Bless This Mess (2019) s01e06 Episode Script

1 - You ready? - Oh, yeah, girl.
.
Let's see those moves.
Round she go, round and around she go Lil' baby coming down that pole Look at all that money on the floor All that money on the floor Okay, girl.
You do you.
- Priyanka, up.
- [SNAPS FINGERS.]
Look at all that money on the floor - Ah! - Watch this.
- Two.
- [SNAPS FINGERS.]
Round she go Oh! Oh! - Seven.
- [SNAPS FINGERS.]
Look at all that money on the floor [LAUGHS.]
Four.
Yes.
Oh, ho! - [SNAPS FINGERS.]
- Up.
Look at all that money on the floor Wow! That was incredible.
- Yeah.
- This chicken is ready.
RIO: Di-dee-dee - Hi.
- Hey.
- We are from Maggie's Farm - Yeah.
and we have the best hen in the whole damn county.
- I think it's yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
- And I am so proud of you.
I love you.
Mm.
Mm.
Okay, most people just call, though.
But I'm glad you came down.
Her full name is Priyanka.
Levine.
Hyphen.
Young.
Maggie's Farm's Hen.
Is it weird to say that I'm more excited about this than anything ever in my entire life? Are you kidding? This blows our wedding out of the water.
Right? [LAUGHS.]
Look at all these events.
I know.
"Polka," "Best Hog.
" Ooh.
"The Wife Carry"? What is a wife carry? That seems kind of problematic.
It is.
At the end, the wife stands on a scale, and then the husband wins her weight in beer.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
They put you on a seesaw, and then they put the beer at the other end.
But that's the silly events.
Now, the farm ones, like "Best Hen" - Yeah? - that gets heated.
Three days of farmers battling it out for county-wide supremacy.
- Yeah.
- Total war.
Blue ribbon or death.
- Destroy.
Dominate.
Conquer.
- Carnage.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
- Take Ooh.
Hang on one sec.
What is it? - I got to go.
Scrapbooking.
- Oh, oh, right now? Um, can you give Priyanka her bubble bath? - Can you? - Oh, yeah.
I'll give her a little treat before she crushes dreams.
I still haven't told Beau about our scrapbooking sessions.
The only thing that scares Beau more than talking about his own feelings is when I talk about my feelings with someone else.
- Right.
- Oh, and dots.
Seeing a bunch of dots really weirds him out.
Interesting.
So, in our last scrapbooking session, you mentioned that you were gonna - write a letter to Beau.
- Yeah.
We weren't gonna give it to him.
- It was just an exercise.
- Yes.
And then you did give it to him.
- I did.
- How did that go? - It did not go well.
- Okay.
I was gonna use "I feel" statements like you said.
- Yeah.
- But then he suddenly remembered that he had something to do in the barn.
And then he stayed out there all night.
So I just watched "SVU" all by myself.
To tell you the truth, it was nice not have all those dumb questions.
"Who's that? Is that the killer?" Well, I don't know, Beau, okay? You and I have the same exact information.
Well, he can't avoid you forever, right? I don't know.
That barn's got a cot, a fridge, a hot plate.
If he could get football and dirty websites on his phone, he could be out there for three to four months.
You know what that barn doesn't have? - Me? - Okay.
[CRYING SOFTLY.]
There you go.
Let it out.
- Come here.
- [SNIFFLES.]
He'll have to come back to the Kay well 'cause he needs some Kay water.
That's really good stuff.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
What'd I do without you? [LAUGHS.]
Do you need a flamingo sticker? I would like one.
Thank you.
Oh, let's get these talons sparkling.
You're really giving that bird the business, huh? You know, Priyanka's up for "Best Hen.
" - If we get a blue ribbon - [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
it would turn everything around.
That's a lot of pressure for one chicken.
Well, when we moved here, we really thought we were gonna be farming the land.
Then we got our ass kicked with the soil and the weather, losing the tractor.
Well, your wife has done a hell of a job with that bird.
Right, Priyanka? When she first came here, Rio was totally helpless.
I was sure one day I was gonna find her dead at the bottom of a well.
Each morning, I'd go over there and cry out, "Rio.
" But she was never down there.
Your wife she's a strong woman.
- She really is.
- Enough jibber jabber.
I need your honest opinion.
If you were Constance, which pair of overalls would really get you going? I think I'd go with the ones that were less stained.
Come on, don't jerk me around.
I need this date to go perfectly.
Then, I guess wear the ones that you're most comfortable in.
Sorry.
I'm all a-titter about this date at the fair.
Constance has lit a fire in my belly I haven't felt since Theresa left me.
Oh, yeah, you've never really told me about her.
She left me for a pig farmer a couple of towns over.
I used to catch myself thinking about her all the time her kisses, sweet embrace, her heaving chest crying out in ecstasy.
Okay, well, have fun, pal.
Sounds like you're completely over her.
Yeah, I am.
I am.
RIO: Hey! Ladies, get a load of my county fair hat.
When I wear this, I am B-A-D bad.
Oh, I'll bet.
Ooh! Sookie, sookie.
Come on, now.
Sorry.
"Sookie, sookie"? - It's like, "Sookie, sookie!" - Yeah.
"Sookie, sookie!" - No.
- You think Rudy will like it? Yes.
He's gonna love it.
Don't you think he's the most beautiful man in the world? - He is, uh - Well, he's - very t tall.
- He is, uh He's a tall glass of buttermilk, and I'm planning on taking a sip.
- Oh! - Oh, my goodness! - Come on, now.
- Constance! It's the hat.
I got to take this thing off before it gets me into trouble.
I got to take Oh.
Hi, Miss Rio.
Hey, Jacob.
Beau, how are you? You excited for your first fair? - I am, actually.
I'm really excited.
- JACOB: Yeah, me too.
It's my last year competing in the junior category, so - Oh, cool.
- starting next year, in the eyes of the fair, at least, uh I am a man.
Cool.
Well, listen, buddy, in my eyes, you're already a man.
Oop.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO.]
I have to go outside now.
[MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Okay.
[DOOR BELLS JINGLE.]
- Kay, um - Hmm? what are you doing here? I thought you were, uh, quilting over at Clara's? The jig is up.
I've been scrapbooking with Rio.
Why don't I have eyes? Wha What's going on here? You want the truth? Rio and I have been meeting and talking about my life for a while now.
Her advice has been really helpful.
- Thank you.
- Oh, yeah? What kind of advice? Putting diapers on the photo of a grown man? I'm sorry.
It's highly unethical for me to engage with you regarding the scrapbooking that may or may not be occurring currently.
Beau, I wouldn't have to talk to someone else about our marriage if you didn't say "uh-oh" - every time I said, "I feel.
" - There you go.
[GROANS.]
Dots, Kay? Dots? [SNIFFLES.]
I feel like you wanted him to find that.
I did.
Is that bad? We should probably talk about that next week.
[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYS, INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
- RUDY: Constance? - CONSTANCE: Mm.
If I may be so bold, you look absolutely stunning today.
Well, thank you.
I like your overalls.
- That stain looks like a heart.
- Oh, it's rust.
Mike said to wear clean ones, but I think he was just having fun with me.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, that makes two of us, because I'm having so much fun with you now.
Well, that makes three of us, 'cause I'm fun and you're fun, and Damn it.
I can't think straight.
- I'm all a-titter.
- Just breathe, and let all your titters out.
No, it's you, Constance.
You make me feel like I can't breathe, like my heart is skipping beats, like I'm about to die, but it's sublime.
I haven't felt this good since Rudy? I thought that was you.
[LAUGHS.]
- Hello, Theresa.
- Hello.
Oh, Theresa, you you look great.
Aw, thanks.
[CHUCKLES.]
And you look [CLEARS THROAT.]
you look good.
So, it's been a long time.
And I've heard some disturbing rumors that you built an underground bunker for the apocalypse? Yes, but it only sleeps two.
So good luck out there, Theresa.
And I always thought that we'd be fighting the zombies together.
So did I.
Well, uh, you all enjoying the fair? Yes.
We are enjoying it very much.
Constance is my date.
She makes me feel dead.
Something you could never do.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, the dog says hi.
Are you okay? Think you need a minute? The only minute I need is this minute to let you know I don't need a minute.
Let's go get you sculpted in butter.
Come on.
[LAUGHS.]
What? RIO: There you go, little lady.
MIKE: Oh.
- Hi.
- The princess is here.
Hey, everyone.
What do you think we should call her fans? Should we call them, like, Priyonkers - or, like, Beak babies? - Oh, I like that.
Ah, yeah, it's Um, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no.
Spectators, you sit over there.
- Oh, no, we're competing, Kent.
- I know.
It was just a little friendly trash talk.
- Oh! - [LAUGHS.]
Oh.
"Ha! Your bird stinks.
" Oh, that's good.
I've met hay bales with more charisma than that thing.
- Yeah.
- Okay, that's good.
Yeah, alright.
My turn.
Hey, is that your hen, or did your grandson suddenly turn cute? We showed you his picture.
Boom.
- Ouch.
- Teach him to roll up on some New Yorkers with that weak sauce.
You walked right up to the line.
- Right? - Maybe a little over it.
Hey.
Good morning, neighbors.
I'm surprised you have time to compete, given all the time you spend trying to turn my wife against me.
Beau, I cannot discuss anything that goes on between me and my patient.
Your wife has been doing some scrapbooking therapy stuff with Kay.
- Ah.
- Well 20 perfect years of marriage, and then she goes, "Oh, let's now look below the surface.
" Can you please remove your negative energy away from this space? Because Priyanka's about to get judged.
Well I am the judge.
When I heard you guys were competing, I gave up my "Best Hog" post so we could spend some quality time together.
This is gonna be fun.
And hens to their marks! MIKE: I'm sure he'll be unbiased.
I don't think so.
Priyanka, up.
Priyanka, up.
Up, Priyanka.
Ah, ah, up.
- She's She's feeling my energy.
- No, no.
- Hey, hey, hey.
No, okay.
- She doesn't know that You got this, okay? Okay.
Think about where you've come from.
You were born on the mean streets of the Upper West Side.
Now you're standing here in front of all these folks about to win your first chicken competition in the 10th biggest county in eastern Nebraska.
Not to mention, you have never fallen in a well.
I don't give myself enough credit for that.
Since we moved here, every day, I have been amazed by you.
- You can do this.
- Okay.
I love you.
You're the best.
Okay.
Okay.
Time to dance.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
- Priyanka, up.
- [SNAPS FINGERS.]
Oh! [LAUGHS.]
- Whoo! Whoo! - [LAUGHS.]
Where my Priyonkers is at? Where my Priyonkers is at? Come on.
Put your hands up! What! Put your No? No one's doing it.
- I'm gonna take a quick lap.
- You know what? Take a lap and just like, get it out of your system.
BEAU: And the final chicken in the "Best Hen" competition is from Maggie's Farm.
Let's have a look.
[PRIYANKA CLUCKING.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
[PRIYANKA MURMURING.]
[PRIYANKA CLUCKING.]
Oh, ow! Disqualified.
She pecked me.
- No.
Beau - Dis - That is That is not - Disqualified.
- No! My ass! - Hey! Show me where.
- There.
Right there.
- She did not.
And this is how I like them.
- One, two, three.
- No, no, no, no.
That's it.
The competition is over.
Great.
So you guys are just fine with this blatant corruption? Beau, you are better than this.
You cried on my shoulder.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, shove it, Beau.
You are the worst neighbor we have ever had, and the people above us in New York - ran a musical school for children.
- It's over.
They're judging fruit pies here in 10 minutes.
- Clear out.
- This ain't over.
You took a blue ribbon from us, - we take one from you.
- Yep.
You name the event, we're there.
The wife-carry.
You name any other event, - and we will be there.
- Any of them.
The wife-carry.
WOMAN: Whoo! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
I always thought that seeing Theresa again would make me crumble, but, Constance you make me feel like an unbreakable block of granite.
Like Mount Rushmore but with fewer heads.
I'm so glad you didn't crumble, because I I want you all in one piece.
Go easy on this old horse.
[HORN HONKS.]
Beep beep.
Coming through.
Damn you, Clara.
Clara, it's okay.
You didn't do anything wrong, girl.
Sorry.
Will you be attending the square dance tomorrow? I might.
Then I will be attending as well.
So we'll be there at the s-same time.
If you're there between the hours of 4:00 and 6:00, then yes.
Well, I'll put on my dancing boots.
Are you sure you don't want to buy any cotton candy? - It's for ch - Go, Clara! Get out of here! I will never forgive you! Sorry.
So this is the World Wife-Carrying Competition - Okay.
- in Sonkajarvi, Finland.
Whoa.
What is that wife up to? This is called The Estonian Method.
Now, all the locals around here, they're mostly gonna be using that simple backpack hold.
This will give us an edge.
Look at Priyanka.
She's thirsty for revenge.
[PRIYANKA CLUCKING.]
Husband, carry me like the Estonian wife that I am.
[THE SHIRELLES' "BABY IT'S YOU" PLAYS.]
So, limber up first.
Limber up.
There's a way for us to just Ow.
Ow.
I think if I started here.
Oh! Are you okay? Get down on the ground, - I'll get into position.
- Oh.
- Spin around.
180, honey, 180.
- Honey, I'm doing it.
- Come on.
Just roll.
- [LAUGHS.]
Is this something? Here it is.
Like, if I do this - Right.
- Oh, right.
That's great.
And then I'll, like, stand.
Yeah, and then Nobody - Hi.
- Baby, it's you Oh, No, no, no, no, we got to focus.
We got to focus.
- We got to keep our heads in the game.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
- Yeah.
- Defeat.
- Dominate.
Destroy.
- Yes.
- Blue ribbon.
- Oh, my gosh.
Yeah.
On second thought, let's just do it - and get it out of the way.
- Yeah, just 'cause we don't want it to happen tomorrow in front of the crowd.
- And just like - [GRUNTS.]
Baby, it's you MAN: Alright, all wife-carry competitors to your marks.
The wi-fi in the barn went out about midnight last night.
Why did you need wi-fi after midnight? Barn stuff.
- RIO: Coming through, coming through.
- MIKE: Go time.
[GRUNTS.]
Well, I'll be.
I didn't think you'd show up.
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
- Excuse us.
- MAN: Last call.
- Racers to your marks.
- [BOTH GRUNT.]
- Yep.
- What in the - Ha! - Ohh.
Breathe through your mouth, baby, not your nose.
- RIO: Got it.
- This is a family event.
We get it, you're newlyweds.
- You surprised, Beau? - Oh, my God.
It's called The Estonian Method.
And when you're staring at the back of my thighs and my wife's inverted back, I want you to think of one thing Priyanka.
Why would he think about your chicken? [MUFFLED.]
Why don't you ask your husband? What was that? I said I said, why don't you ask your husband? What did you do to their hen? They're just salty 'cause I disqualified her.
You ready? Hop on.
That hen was the one thing they had on their sad, dilapidated farm.
- And you took it away out of spite.
- Yep.
- MAN: On your marks - Hop on.
We'll talk about it later.
No, no.
We're talking about it now.
Get set [STARTER PISTOL FIRES.]
[CROWD CHEERING.]
You can't tune me out when I'm this close to your ear.
[SQUARE-DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
MAN: Now come together in groups of eight.
Go to your left and don't be late.
[MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Doing this from day to morn, come tomorrow, husk that corn.
Well, hello, there.
Oh, Theresa, hello.
We haven't seen each other in over a decade, and now it's twice in two days.
You were always good with numbers.
Hey, remember when we last square danced together? It was at my nephew's wedding, and I wore white because I hated the bride.
So, Rudolph Enoch Longfellow, will you dance with me again? I'm waiting for Constance.
Oh, she can have your heart.
I'm just asking for your body.
Okay.
Now roll away to a half-sashay.
Then come together and play! Promenade with heel and toe! Swing your partner high and low! Whoo-hoo! Big finish.
Yee-haw! Ace of diamonds, jack of spades.
Get together, promenade.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Ohh! Watch the head.
- You're doing great, babe.
- Yeah, Rio! It's me, Jacob! I feel that you shut me out emotionally.
I feel that you hide behind your work.
I feel that I would like to try one of those sideways positions.
I get it.
Ease up on the neck a little.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
RIO: Ohh! Ohh! I I can't see where I'm going.
All I see is butt.
[CROWD GASPS.]
Oh, God.
[CROWD GASPS.]
Wait, what? What'd I just hit? Go left! Don't stop! I can't see, but I trust you.
Brakes, brakes, brakes! Aah! [ALL SCREAM.]
[CROWD "OHHS".]
[CROWD MURMURS.]
- [EXHALES HEAVILY.]
My bad.
- I'm sorry.
[CHICKENS CLUCKING.]
- Honey.
- Yeah? I feel like we got too competitive with the whole county fair thing.
Yeah.
Everyone hates us, for sure.
[SIGHS.]
- I feel like I let Aunt Maggie down.
- What? Well, you know, she left me this farm, and I and I just I wanted to make her proud.
Mike Aunt Maggie left you this farm with dead soil, and you figured out a way to bring it back to life and to make it our home.
And for that, I think she'd be damn proud.
I mean, I know I am.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, my gosh.
What? Do you remember what we thought living on a farm was gonna be like? - [LAUGHS.]
- Oh, my God, were we wrong.
Oops.
I envisioned myself, like, sitting on a porch, drinking lemonade, listening to wind chimes.
I thought I'd always have, like, a piece of straw hanging out of my mouth.
- You know, take a lot of naps - Yeah.
- with my hat over my face.
- Sure.
Classic.
Here we are.
A bunch of patches of clover coming up, chicken tractor, and a good-sized column of smoke.
That's, uh Oh, my God, Mike.
Oh, that's coming from the Bowmans' farm.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
- [CELLPHONE BUZZES.]
- [SIGHS.]
[CELLPHONE BUZZES.]
[KNOCK ON WINDOW.]
Constance, can we talk? Honey, it keeps going to Connie's voicemail.
[GRUNTS.]
We got to get the animals out of here.
Even the cows? Yes, even the cows, hon! - It's only cows! - I was just checking.
- [COW MOOS.]
- Yeah, I'm scared, too.
MIKE: [GRUNTS, SCREAMS.]
- [GASPS.]
- [COW MOOS.]
Shut up and let me save your life, or I'll keep Oh, are you licking me? Oh, that's so scratchy.
Oh, God.
There's gratitude.
[SHOUTS.]
You and Theresa are quite the pair.
She is was a big part of my life.
We have towels with our initials on them.
It's hard to move on.
Every time you think you have, you you see that there's a lot more moving to do.
I think we just took on too much too soon.
Maybe we should just slow down.
There's a reason molasses is so sweet.
Constance, would you dance with me? [LAUGHS.]
And [SING-SONG VOICE.]
There's a fire at the Bowmans', come on, let's go! [NORMAL VOICE.]
Sorry, there's a real fire.
I've been calling the square dance all day.
[SIREN WAILING.]
[MIKE COUGHING.]
What the hell are you doing in there?! Saving your barn.
You fought that fire? Just the two of you? We lost Rio, didn't we? My 4H cows.
Are they - [COWS MOOING.]
- Yeah, they're fine.
Except this one likes to lick, and it's freaking me out.
Oh, my God.
- Please take these cows.
- JACOB: Yeah.
Yeah.
Thank you two.
Seriously.
Yeah, thanks.
Thanks for not standing by and letting our barn burn down like a couple psychos.
You're welcome, Beau.
It's what neighbors do.
Maggie would be so proud of you for what you did here.
Thank you.
- How can we repay you? - Oh, please, you know, just - being able to help out's enough - Yeah, it feels good.
- for us.
- I can give you your tractor back.
- Yes, we will take that.
- Absolutely.
Sounds like overkill.
How about a nice, crisp $20? Just give them the damn tractor.
Fine.
It It's yours.
- We're back to square one! - We can plant again! Oh! We did it! Take a load off, Fanny Take a load for free Take a load off, Fanny And, and You put the load right on me [WIND CHIMES RING.]
- [VEHICLE APPROACHES.]
- Ahh! [HORN HONKS.]
- Beau's here, honey.
- Hmm? BEAU: Morning, neighbors.
Kay and I had an in-depth conversation about her feelings, so I thought I'd drop by and let you know how much I appreciate you trying to help our marriage Oh, that makes me feel so happy.
but she kicked me out is the end of that sentence.
- What? - Kay kicked me out.
BEAU: [GRUNTS.]
So I figured I'd crash here until you guys put this fire out, too.
- Uh - Thanks, neighbors.
Oh, uh I sleep in the raw.
So when you bring me coffee in the morning, you might want to knock first.
Hey, what time's supper? I'll cook on Tuesdays.