Boomers (2014) s01e06 Episode Script

1 (# SMOKEY ROBINSON & THE MIRACLES: The Tears Of A Clown) Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Ripped By mstoll Now if there's a smile on my face #lt's only there trying to fool the public But when it comes down to fooling you Now, honey, that's quite a different subject But don't let my glad expression give you ALAN: If you knew they were collecting it today, why didn't you leave it out? JOYCE: Because you do that sort of thing, Alan.
I don't know what clothes to put in a charity bag.
You did it on purpose.
You didn't leave it out cos you don't like the charity.
What are you talking about? - It's racist.
That's what it is, Alan.
- That is not true.
Look at this place.
Looks more like a bloody prison camp every year.
- Why do we keep coming, then? - Cos Maureen loves it, don't she? She's in her element here.
What we need to be doing is spending more time with the baby.
We'll have to pay for Lee and bloody Suze to come on holiday with us.
It's either the baby or the prison camp.
We can't pay for two holidays.
' "Don't know what clothes to put in.
'" What's Africa ever done to you? What you looking at me like that for? I'm not looking at you.
I'm doing my neck exercises.
Next year - and I know we say this every year, but this year I mean it - next year, Alan, we're booking somewhere different.
I'm going to tell Maureen straight.
We're done with this place.
Here they are.
We were getting worried.
We thought you'd changed your mind and weren't coming.
Miss the weekender? I don't think so.
It's the highlight of our year, isn't it, Alan? We got stuck on the 148.
Some hold-up at Fakenham.
- Should have gone A47, Al.
- I didn't know there was a hold-up.
I've been trying to call you to tell you.
- Is your phone switched off again? - It's on silent.
- Why? - I'm on holiday.
What's the point in having a phone if it's permanently on silent? You can't be on holiday all the time.
What do you think retirement means? - You got your party boots on, Al? - My what? For dancing.
There's live bands tomorrow night.
Have you checked in yet? No, we were waiting for you.
Thought it was easier all together.
Go and sort us out, John.
Have you seen the line-up tomorrow night? Top bands.
The Searchers.
Brian Poole And The Tremeloes.
They still going, are they? I think there's the odd band member missing.
Strictly speaking it's Brian Poole And The Tremeloe.
Mum, if you don't like what's on the menu, they'll change it for you.
They will have something apart from Chinese.
Yes, we're here.
It's lovely.
Yes, she's here.
Ha-ha! Mum says hello.
Hi, Joan! All right, then.
Speak to you later.
Bye.
- (LIFT DOORS PING) - Bye.
Bye.
First time we've been away since she went into the home, they're giving her Chinese.
She has been off Chinese food for years.
Yeah, when it got too spicy for her.
No.
When they took back Hong Kong.
I'm not racist, am I? What? Not filling up the African charity bags, that's not racist, is it? No.
But you are racist.
She's on the phone every five minutes, Joy.
If I didn't have this weekend to get away, I'd go nuts.
Well, it's your time, isn't it? We should book up for next year while we're here, shouldn't we? You get a big discount for booking early.
Do you know what? It's funny you should say that They're here.
- Oh, hi! - CAROL: Hello.
- Hi, girls.
- All arrived safely, then? Yeah.
All ready to rock out? It's about time one of us won the dance competition, isn't it? Yeah, me and Carol have got a good chance this year, because I've been working on throwing in a few contemporary moves.
(LAUGHS) Oh, brilliant.
Go, Trev! (LAUGHS) - Come on, Carol, get over here.
- Yeah, leave the boys to it.
- All right there, Trev? - Ah, very good, John.
Yourself? - I'm good, mate.
- TREV: Yeah.
Everything's very harmonious in our household at the moment.
I think counselling's the best decision I ever made.
I'm going to surprise Carol with a package tomorrow night.
(TREV RUSTLES PAPER) They do romance packages, you know, roses with dinner, that sort of thing.
I just have to choose which one.
They do a gold and a silver package.
Oh.
With the gold, you get a live acoustic performance by The Searchers (WHISPERS) actually at your table.
- And what's the silver package? - Two live performances.
Are we going to book some activities, then? I thought I'd wait and see what the boys want to do first.
Oh, do we have to? We can do things without them, you know.
What, let them do stuff on their own? You have to give your other half some space, Joyce, otherwise you get into an unhealthy co-dependent relationship, where he's just waiting for you to tell him what to do the whole time.
And that's a bad thing? I think we should play it by ear.
It's a weekender.
We're supposed to party on, girls.
(GIGGLES) You know, I read in some survey that people in their 60s are actually like teenagers.
No kids to look after, no job to get up for.
No responsibilities, you see.
We can do whatever we want! I don't think you should be taking notice of surveys, Carol.
You don't know who they're asking.
I was watching this programme on telly about this guru in India, 70 if he was a day, and he was nailing his penis to a piece of wood every morning as an act of religious devotion.
I saw that, and I don't usually watch documentaries.
What if they'd surveyed him? Would you be handing Trevor a piece of four by two every morning with his porridge? (CHUCKLES) I don't think so, Carol.
(LIFT DOORS PING) No, there's nothing else under the name of Mitchell.
But we booked online weeks ago.
I'm sorry.
There's nothing we can do about that.
It's a cock-up.
We'll get it sorted.
Have another look, love.
I do have other customers to serve.
- What's up? - They've only booked us in one room.
Maybe you filled out the form wrong.
I don't think we did.
Couldn't we just book another two now? As I've already said, we're fully booked.
You're actually standing in the way there.
Oh, I'm sorry (!) We're only just trying to help you rectify your mistake.
Bit racist.
- What's the hold-up? - We're only booked in for one room.
Oh, my God.
I mean, there is one other room available.
- We'll take that.
- But that's reserved for people who need wheelchair access.
What? This has all worked out OK.
For who? Oh, come on, Al.
You've taken one for the team, mate.
- Why can't you take one for the team? - No-one'd believe I was unfit, Alan.
But you do look a bit down in the mouth, don't you? He always looks a bit down in the mouth.
I don't know why.
- Be fun, mucking in together.
- (MOBILE RINGS) Hey, Carol, no sneaking into the boys' dorm tonight.
(LAUGHS) Yes, Mum.
(WHISPERS) Did you tell Maureen not to book for next year? (WHISPERS) I thought you were going to tell her.
I can't tell her, can I? Why not? Duh! She'll think I don't want to go on holiday with them.
You don't want to go on holiday with them.
Exactly.
Hey, listen, can I get out of this thing now? Ssh! They're in your side table, Mum.
Your Hunger Games DVDs.
They're in the table at the side of your bed.
Here we are.
Boys' room.
So, is that it, then? We're going to turn in? It's gone ten.
- Nobody fancy a nightcap? - No, not me.
I'm bushed.
We don't want to overdo it on our first day.
- Trev, are you coming? - No, no, I I'm pooped.
It was a long drive down, wasn't it? - You go down without me, love.
- Oh.
- Have fun.
- All right.
Night-night.
- Night, Carol.
- See ya.
Night, Joyce.
Sleep well.
She's going down on her own.
Maybe I ought to go down and keep an eye on her.
Er mind you, it is late.
I'll probably turn in.
Night, Joyce.
Right, so, I've put your vitamin pills in the side pocket of the holdall, and your blood pressure ones in the back.
Your toothbrush is with your pants, and you've only brought two pairs so you're going to have to do without again.
Going commando, are we, Al? Ready for action at the drop of a hat? He'll need a bit more notice than that.
Oh, I tell you what, I'm looking forward to a nice kip.
- (TV ON) - Well, you must be exhausted.
What do you make of Carol going down to the bar? - I don't know.
- And Trevor letting her.
I mean, what's the point of coming away if you're not going to spend any time together? Well, you heard her.
They're avoiding co-dependence.
Oh, don't you start.
You're sounding as doolally as she is.
Giving each other space and doing whatever we want.
- Where's it all going to end, Maureen? - (DOOR CREAKS) Ooh! See you later, then.
Don't wait up.
Ha-ha! Dennis? Dennis, I thought it was you! - Carol? - Oh, my God! I haven't seen you in What? - 20 years.
- Yeah, must be 20 years! - You haven't changed a bit.
- Neither have you.
This is a turn-up, isn't it? It's Dennis Hayes.
- Hi.
- We used to work together at What's the name? What was it called? - Holland & Turner's, yeah.
- Holland & Turner's.
We're friends on Facebook, though.
He posts on my wall every now and then, don't you? - Yeah.
- God, what a small world! - What are you doing here? - On the weekender.
- On your own? - Well, kind of.
Coach party.
You know, singles.
I'm just going down to the bar for a nightcap.
- Want to come with? - Oh, lovely.
Oh, Dennis Hayes.
Who'd have thought? - CAROL: Oh, it's so nice to see you.
- DENNIS: Lovely to see you.
(# T-REX: 20th Century Boy) Friends say it's fine Friends say it's good Everybody says it's just like Robin Hood #I move like a cat, charge like a ram Sting like a bee Babe, I wanna be your man Hey! (MUSIC STOPS) (SPEAKS GERMAN) Hey, we've got German news.
Ha-ha! Look, she's German and talking German.
Really makes you feel like you're on holiday, doesn't it? - In Germany? - It's a nice place, Germany.
Nice people.
Well, they are now.
- ALAN: Bit racist.
- Fantastic roads.
And do you know, in the gents' at the service stations, you can buy male incontinence pads.
I didn't know that.
Little ones for that extra little bit that comes out at the end.
- Not that I'm saying you need one.
- No.
That little extra bit that comes out at the end.
Oh, that's an issue for all ages.
In fact, the bloke on the packet, on the machine, is in his 30s.
- Is he? - Aye.
Good-looking bloke in a suit.
If it was in this country, the bloke on the packet would be some old bugger in a wheelchair.
Hey, they've got handles on the bath and the high toilet seat's really comfortable.
So, er how are we going to do this? Well, I don't mind having the put-me-up.
- I don't mind having it either.
- I don't mind sharing.
I've already taken one for the team.
(BED RATTLES) I mean, what if she don't come back tonight? What are we going to tell Trevor? Puts a fly in the ointment.
I mean, there's so much I wanted us to get through tomorrow.
Spa treatments, Duncan Norvelle, The Searchers.
I'm assuming we're not going to get as far as Suzi Quatro.
(MOBILE RINGS) Hi, Mum.
We should never have let her drift off from the herd.
She'll get picked off like some lame wildebeest.
Hanging about in hotel bars? Reflects badly on us as well.
People will think we're all at it.
Might as well be out in the car park, dogging.
No, that's Joyce.
Just push the handle down, Mum, like they showed you.
She says she can't get the door open, can't get out.
Just ring the emergency cord, Mum.
They'll come and open it for you.
All right? Talk tomorrow, Mum.
I tell you what, Joyce, nothing drags you down as much as a chat with your Mum about her care-home accommodation.
I'll book something for us for tomorrow.
Be nice to all be together.
I mean, let's face it, we don't know how many more of these weekends we've got left.
Mum, it's me.
You got that door open yet? Oh! No, that's Joyce again.
Oh! Oh! Oh! (CLINK) Oh, yeah Oh, yeah #I'm up on the 11th floor and I'm watching the cruisers below Oh, my heart's in the basement My weekend's at an all-time low Cos she's hoping to score so I can't see her letting him go Oh, yeah.
(GRUNTS) Trevor? Trevor? TREVOR: What? What's that? - It's my hot-water bottle.
- (WATER SLOSHES) As you were.
(BIRDSONG) You don't need to be in that any more.
Well, it's just in case we see somebody, you know, reception staff, till we get another room sorted out.
- He likes it.
- He has got a sore neck.
Well, we've all got a sore neck, Trevor.
It's whether you choose to acknowledge it.
I mean, if you let yourself think old, you'll be old and then there's no way back.
I am 67.
You're not old, Alan.
None of us are old.
- Who is old, then? - Well, anyone ten years older than us.
(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you.
You sleep all right? Not really.
Joyce and Maureen wear overnight orthodontic braces.
They rattle like false teeth when they breathe.
It's like sleeping in a joke shop.
Well, it should be a good night tonight.
The Searchers are on.
- Are they? - You remember them.
Barely, to be honest, and don't say anything to Maureen.
Do you know how much she loves all that stuff? I think it's a bit sad.
Everyone going mad over all these old farts hobbling around a stage.
I mean, we're not 18 any more, and all The Searchers are doing is reminding us of that and dragging us down into a big, deep, depressing hole.
Be great to meet them, though.
You sleep all right in the end? Yeah, lovely.
- The bed stopped folding you up? - Yeah.
You just have to jam your leg in the mechanism.
It was fine.
Next door? Yeah, they stopped arguing about three.
- So, you did get some sleep? - Then they started having sex.
But after they'd finished, it was lovely.
Slept like a log.
We're all booked in for the dance class this morning and for the competition this evening.
That's me and Alan, Maureen and John, Carol and Trevor.
Yeah.
I think Trevor wanted to go bowling, didn't you? Well, yes, I did, actually.
Oh, right.
I thought we were all going (LAUGHS) Yes, well, I wanted to spend some quality time with the lads.
Yeah, but they don't want to go bowling.
You don't want to go bowling, do you, Alan? Well, if Trevor's keen, I could keep him company.
Well, we can bowl.
Have you not seen the Paralympics? Well, what about you, John? Are you up for some male bonding? Didn't we do enough of that last night? Yeah, but we're already all booked in on the system.
No, you didn't need to do that.
MAUREEN: Well, Joyce got all that sorted out.
I mean, I did think she was getting in a bit early.
I usually do the activities, as you know, but Joyce seemed very keen to take the reins.
Which is fine.
One less job for me.
But we do seem to be in a bit of a mess.
It's no problem.
We can go into the booking system and change it.
I mean, how hard can that be? MACHINE: Touch screen to clear.
Touch screen to clear.
Touch screen to clear.
- Touch screen to clear.
I just did that.
- Well, go back to menu.
It won't clear.
Try a different finger.
- What about ' "options'"? - Go on, then.
See? Oh, sorry, lads.
We're having a bit of trouble with this.
Oh, it's no rush.
We're going on the climbing wall, so it shouldn't be too busy.
The screen seems to have stuck.
Yeah, you're in, er demonstration mode.
What activity are you after? JOHN: Well, there's a lot to choose from, isn't there? I quite fancy the quad-biking, but then there's the jet-ski hire.
I thought we were playing bowls.
Yeah.
I've already got that page up for you.
(# TOM JONES: It's Not Unusual) I don't know why we can't just let her get on with it.
I just want to make sure she's not going to do anything she regrets later.
I feel a responsibility towards Trevor.
We brought her on this weekend, Maureen.
They were all queuing up to pounce on her.
I don't see anyone queuing up to pounce on us.
Good, I'm quite happy not having to deal with all that kind of thing all over again, thank you very much.
Not even the really old ones.
Are you cross with me for booking the activities? I didn't mean to tread on your toes, Maureen, but I just thought booking another aromatherapy and whale music session wasn't going to do anyone any good this year.
I don't care what we do, Joyce, as long as we're having fun.
If I'd have known it was going to be a mass orgy, I'd have thought twice about coming, and I certainly wouldn't have brought Alan.
This is a bloody stupid idea.
A climbing wall.
I was quite looking forward to the bowling.
We haven't had a game in a while, the three of us together.
- Bowling's an old men's game.
- We are old men.
You're setting your sights too low, Alan.
Oh, it's OK, John, you just carry on with whatever senile fantasy is playing out inside your head, but we are having no part of it, are we, Trevor? I'll give it a whirl.
- What? - TREVOR: I'm game.
What do you mean, you're game? Well, how hard can it be? I mean, we're in pretty good shape.
Trevor, you can't get the lid off your Wellman pills.
(# TOM JONES: Help Yourself) I'm just saying if you don't like whale music, why do you let me book it every year? We could have done Suzi Quatro instead.
Well, being honest with yourself, Maureen, would that have been any better? I wouldn't want to force you to come on holiday with us every year.
Well, maybe that's something we've got to think about for next time.
Yeah.
Yeah, maybe it is.
We're always told repeatedly The very best in life is free - Hey! - Hey.
How's it going? You guys cool? Do you need help? - We're cool.
- And we need help.
Exactly, we're cool and we need help.
Cool.
(# AMEN CORNER: (lf Paradise Is Half As Nice) I wouldn't mind coming again, Maureen.
The problem is Lee and Suze.
They're not spending any time with us, and the only way I know I'm going to see my granddaughter is if we pay to take them on holiday with us.
You have to do what you have to do, Joyce, but once you start organising your life around your grandkids, it's a slippery slide you're on, Joy.
I mean, you're giving up on your own life.
I had a friend, paid for her family to go on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday to Lapland.
She wasn't up to it, Joy.
She fell off the back of the dogsled on the wilderness ride, and nobody noticed till they got back to the hotel.
She lost three toes to frostbite.
If that's the way you want to go, Joy We can't afford two holidays, Maureen, and you have to think ahead, don't you? I mean, what's going to happen in five, ten years? I mean, I can look after Alan, but when he goes and I'm on my own Got to think ahead, haven't you? Got to think about these things.
You reckon he'll go first? He'll go first.
It's like with the washing up.
Always leaves me to finish off the drying.
# as heaven that you take me to Who needs paradise You're not going to prove anything to anyone, you know.
You're just going to make idiots of yourselves.
- Ready to climb? - Yeah, raring to go, ain't we, Trev? Yeah.
Um I was just wondering about the safety procedure.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
As in, what's the general what's the safety procedure generally? - Oh, well, the usual drill.
- Excellent.
You know, lock off your karabiner, get your signals clear, - that kind of stuff.
- Yeah.
In here we use, '"ready to belay, belay on'", when we're ready to belay, ' "climbing'" when we're ready to climb.
- Ready to belay, belay on, climbing.
- That's right.
- But you can use whatever, really.
- No, we'll use that.
- OK.
- Well, that's put my mind at rest.
If you're thinking about the standard of safety generally of the equipment Oh, yeah, that's it.
The equipment standards.
- We're all good.
- Oh, well, that's fine.
And obviously, you know, don't be touching the anchor ropes.
- (THEY CHUCKLE) - Obviously.
Yeah, actually, I'm I'm not doing it.
- You're missing out.
- Staying alive is what I'm doing.
Being alive is not the same as living your life.
- You guys have climbed before, right? - Oh, yeah.
BEN: Course you have.
Probably climbed more than me.
Sorry, it's like teaching my grandmother how to suck eggs.
My my grandfather.
Not my grandfather, like, like cos you're not as old as my - More like an uncle, really.
- Just leave it.
Sure, OK.
So, what have you climbed before? Are you local or what? Oh, around.
Lots of places.
You know the Old Man of Hoy? Shit! No way! Have you climbed the Old Man? It was a long time ago.
It's (CLEARS THROAT) It was the Middle-Aged Man of Hoy back then.
You know what your trouble is, Joy? You worry too much.
You should take it easy.
Look at Carol.
Carol's enjoying herself.
I know she's being a bit of a tart, but she looks good on it, doesn't she? Oh! Oh, I'm exhausted.
I don't know what it is about gay men, but you're always such fabulous dancers, aren't you? - They send us on a special course.
- (GIGGLES) Now, either of you ladies fancy a quick workout? No, thanks.
I don't think we could keep up, could we? I'm going to wait for Trevor to get back.
We're having an aromatherapy session with whale music.
Sounds lovely, doesn't it? Anyway, nice seeing you, Carol.
We'll have to get together for another boogie next year.
- Yay! - Bye.
- (MUSIC PLAYS) - Dennis? Mind my bag.
- Dance? - Oh! Everybody (# THEME FROM 2001:: A SPACE ODYSSEY) - On belay.
- OK.
Oh, sorry.
Belay on.
He's going to kill himself.
- He's not.
- I'm not catching him.
He needs to get some confidence back, discover his balls.
Shouldn't be too difficult.
Next time we go away, Mum, you come with us.
Well, wouldn't really make any difference, would it? (SONG ENDS) You see, you're not too shabby, are you? - (MUSIC STARTS) - Ooh.
Are you ready to pick it up a bit? Yeah.
Yeah, why not? Come on.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
(CRASH) No, Mum, that's Joyce again.
You can do it, Trev.
Go on! The old fart's going to beat him.
Trev, he's going to do it, he's going to do it.
(LAUGHS) Go on, Trevor! You should have played bowls, mate.
Yes! Unbelievable, Trev.
John? - Told you.
- You did.
You told me.
- John? - It's all up here, Alan.
See, the human body is an amazingly resilient machine.
It's all about how you manage yourself.
- John? - Yeah, all right, Trev.
You know, Trevor was telling me, actually, that they've isolated the ageing gene in the nematode worms.
They breed the gene from them, Alan, and they just don't get old.
That technology's there.
Ha-ha! If we keep ourselves fit, who knows what's round the corner? - Are you talking about immortality? - I'm talking about science, Alan.
- John?! - What? I can't get down! - What do you mean? - I'm stuck! I'll go and find the guy.
I'll go up and get him.
Give me some slack, Al.
- Eh? - Some rope.
Slack rope.
- (CRASH) - Oh.
Was that a person? All right? Done my hip.
Over-enthusiastic dance partner yesterday.
I'm in this thing for six months, they reckon.
What's yours? Spinal injury? Yeah.
Sorry.
You know, medical science is making progress all the time.
You should never give up hope.
You'll have to leave it there, Alan! (CLEARS THROAT) All the best.
TREVOR: All right, Dennis? Bearing up? Poor thing.
See you soon.
Bye.
TREVOR: Nice for you to run into an old friend.
Hope you didn't mind me sneaking into your room for a cuddle last night.
- I didn't mind at all.
- Hm.
Kept John awake, though.
So, we won't do Hollingers again next year.
- No.
- It's not been the same.
No.
A lot going on.
Baby Emilia for us, your mum, Trevor and Carol.
At Vista Village, down the coast, they do a brilliant revival weekend, all cover groups.
Sounds fun.
The Rolling Clones and the Grateful Dead Ringers.
Shall I book it? - Yeah, why not? - (THEY LAUGH) - See you.
- Take care.
- Bye! - Bye.
- Which way you going back? - 148.
- This time of day? - Yes, this time of day.
You'll hit the Norwich traffic.
No, I won't, because that We'll be going the other way.
Well, I'm going round the top on the 140.
Dirty old river Ripped By mstoll #Must you keep rolling Flowing into the night? People so busy, make me feel dizzy Taxi light shines so bright But I don't need no friends #As long as I gaze on Waterloo sunset I am in paradise #