Bored to Death (2009) s01e06 Episode Script

(theme music playing) All the shadows in the city Used to love you, what a pity I miss the questions you used to ask me Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely - (coughs) - Bored to death Cut, mad and lonely.
(whistle blows) ("Shaft"-style music playing) - Mr.
Eaton? - Mr.
Ames? Sorry I'm late.
There was traffic.
It's great to be here.
I grew up in New Jersey.
Do you know who that is? Oh, that's my colleague.
He does all the driving.
Anyways, why don't you tell me what the exact problem is? I appreciate you wanting to be discreet on the phone.
I'm being blackmailed.
Why? What happened? Well, I've been married 11 years.
I have two little boys.
They're lovely.
And my wife and I When I was a kid my parents had two separate bedrooms.
I don't think I ever even saw them kiss.
- That happens a lot.
- Yeah, well, it happened to me.
So I went on Craigslist.
I guess I figured it'd be all right if I had an affair with a married woman, if you know what I'm saying.
Oh, my God, this woman's body is beautiful.
Did you really meet her? Sorry.
Go on.
Yeah, we met at a motel, you know, one of those that charges by the hour.
(sighs) Her name was Sophia and she was I mean, she is beautiful.
I actually thought that she liked me, which is pathetic.
Hey, don't beat yourself up.
- You were vulnerable.
- I don't know how, but she filmed us.
She sent me a copy and she asked for $1000 or she would show it to my wife.
- You paid? - Yeah.
I maxed out the credit card and I thought the whole thing was over.
But then she called again.
She wants $500 a month.
That is a lot of money.
Yeah, I don't have that, especially not in this economy.
You know, I've got two kids.
Your ad said that your rates were reasonable.
All the other detectives were way out of my league.
I charge $100 a day, but I'm good.
I'm one of the well, I'm good.
I can afford that.
I just need you to get that tape back for me.
The weird thing is I feel closer to my wife than ever.
I can't lose her now.
- I understand.
- (phone rings) Will you get me a hamburger to go? I'm starving.
- Okay.
Cheese? - No cheese.
All right, no cheese.
I'll get your tape for you.
I promise.
Excuse me, can I get a cheeseburger, no cheese, to go? - Jonathan: Hello, ladies.
- Good morning.
So just wait here under these ballerinas, okay? Okay, I like ballet.
Hi.
George.
Hey, Jonathan, dear boy, come in.
Got your email.
I came by to pick up the galley for the new Paul Auster novel.
Oh, shit.
- What's the matter? - There's a party tonight for Gay Talese at the National Arts Club.
Another award.
I think he's a great writer, but how many of these things can I go to in life? I don't know.
It seems like you go to one almost every night of the week.
I know, and it's always the same boring people, going on 35 years.
Though some die and some press on.
I fall into the press-on category.
Pressing on is good.
Pressing on is heroic.
Maybe.
The first 25 years or so it all seemed very meaningful.
The past 10 years I feel like I'm on autopilot.
I may not even be talking right now.
This could be a tape recording.
Your Auster.
Oh, great.
I love Paul Auster.
I'll write you a good review.
Yeah, whatever, but more importantly, I want you to come with me tonight to the party.
You can get quotes for the society page or something.
See, I don't want to go to the party by myself.
Tonight? I'm really sorry but I can't.
What? You never say no.
Don't you need money for the piece? I do but Since when do you play it so close to the vest? I don't like secrets.
I'm the only one who gets to have secrets.
Sit down.
I I have another job.
Oh, you're not writing for Antrem at "GQ," are you? No no no.
I would never do that to you.
Do you really want to know the truth? Yes, I do, as long as it's not boring.
Well I have a second job as a private detective.
I haven't wanted to tell you because I thought you would think it was strange.
If you're going to lie you need to make it believable.
Throw in an element of truth.
That's what I do.
But I'm not lying.
I have an ad on Craigslist advertising myself as an unlicensed private detective.
And tonight in New Jersey I'm meeting this woman a blackmailer.
I still don't believe you.
What kind of blackmailer? She targets married men.
We've been emailing and texting for the last 24 hours.
I posed as married to lure her in.
And tonight I have to get my client's sex tape back.
- I want to come with you.
- On my case? Yes yes.
Gay Talese would want me to do something like this.
I mean, to hell with a boring dinner party.
Now don't you see, Jonathan? This is the kind ofjournalism that we need in the magazine.
We'll be writers who fight crime, you know, give it a big cover story you know, "Blackmailers Brought" no no, "Sextortionist Brought Down by George Christopher and Jonathan Ames.
" Or your name would go first if you want.
I'm just thinking out loud here.
What do you say? Ray, this is George my boss.
He's coming with us.
Nice to meet you.
Heard a lot about you.
Thank you for letting me come on this adventure with you and Jonathan.
Well, I'm just the driver.
My girlfriend lent us the car.
A nice car? A Subaru, automatic.
What's a Subaru? Now what's the exact plan? How are we doing this? Well, I'm gonna meet the woman at this motel outside the Lincoln Tunnel.
She's supposed to get a room and call me.
But I'm gonna stand her up.
Except we'll be there and we'll follow her home.
Then what? - Then the plan gets weak.
- It doesn't.
Either I'll confront her at her home and ask for the tape back or we'll wait till she leaves and we'll break in there, grab the thing and flee.
How are we gonna break in? I went online.
There's a spy shop in the Village.
They have a special lock picker that opens all doors.
This is all very insane and illegal, isn't it? Well Yes, it is illegal.
And insane.
Good.
I like insane.
So this is the Subaru? Yeah, try not to make a mess.
$700? - Is that a lot? - You know, I have no idea.
I mean, it could be a good deal, night vision and all.
Those are top of the line, very popular in Afghanistan at 3:00 A.
M.
Howard Baker.
George Christopher.
Howard, we'll take one.
- Charge it to the magazine.
- Maybe we won't need them.
Let me tell you something, Sunday styles I'd hate to think of a situation where you needed night-vision goggles and you didn't have night-vision goggles.
(distorted) You know, maybe he's got a good point.
We'll take one of these too.
What are these? Oh, those are cameras.
Oh, look at that.
That's great.
Do you have an EZ lock picker? - Yeah, right over here.
- (phone rings) Hello.
Well, I already thought it was a done deal.
Is he gonna change his mind? Okay, thanks for calling.
(mutters) Is everything okay? That was my friend at "Esquire.
" They're not gonna run the cartoon about me trying to get the lesbians pregnant.
That was $5000 I was gonna get.
- What happened? - The senior editors hated it.
They're not gonna even let me do a revision.
- I really needed that cash, man.
- I'm sorry.
I know it's not much, but I'll give you half of what I make tonight Good.
That's good for half of a colonic.
- Hey, how much for the taser? - I can't sell you that.
Oh, Howard, come on.
George, it takes special training.
I don't have time.
I gotta close up in 10 minutes.
Man, if I get home late, my wife will kill me.
I mean, I wear the pants, but she's got the belt, if you know what I mean.
You know something? This pen doesn't work.
Oh, that's because it's a camera.
Ah, look at that.
You know, I love this place.
I'm gonna do all my shopping here.
George, we've got a blackmailer to meet.
So who's this fellow? That's my girlfriend's kid's toy.
It's called Janet.
The unicorn's name is Janet? Yeah, she likes for her kids to use real names for some reason.
- (phone rings) - Oh.
- Hello.
- Woman: Ray? Yes, this is Ray.
- Ray? - Shh.
Get us a room and call me when you're inside.
- I'm almost there.
- But I thought See you soon.
Why'd you use my name? It was the first one that came to mind.
I didn't use your last name.
So what's going on? She wants me to rent a room and call her from inside.
So how are you gonna stand her up if you're already in the room? Um, okay.
I'll meet her and then I'll pretend to get cold feet.
The plan still works.
We'll tail her when she leaves.
- Sounds good to me.
- Okay.
Oh, boy.
(exhaling) - Are you okay? - I'm fine.
She's a blackmailer but looked very small in her picture.
And I fenced in college.
I have some moves.
Maybe we should have gotten the taser.
No no no, I don't need the taser.
I'll be okay.
I'm doing this to save a man's marriage.
He shouldn't be punished for one mistake.
- Why not? - Ray.
Hey, we'll be right here if anything goes wrong.
Woman: Hello.
Hi, it's Ray.
I'm in room 6.
Great.
I'll be right there.
No rush.
No rush.
(sighs) (distant dog barking) Not much to see.
In fact, it's actually pretty well-lit out there.
Do you mind if I smoke pot in here? Not at all.
Can I have some? You smoke pot? Since the '60s.
Okay.
Look look, here she is.
Oh my God, she's a knockout.
Let me see.
Let me see.
- (knocks on door) - Yeah yeah yeah.
Coming coming.
Can I come in? (quietly) Yes.
Yes yes, of course.
Mind if I smoke? You know, it's actually a non-smoking room, but for some reason they have an ashtray.
It sort of sends a mixed message.
Just sit on the bed? Okay.
You're more attractive than I thought you'd be.
I like a man with a big nose.
Oh, yeah? Thank you.
Is it really that big? In a good way.
So you're unhappy with your wife? My wife? I'm not Oh, right, yes, my wife Suzanne.
Things haven't been good.
She thinks I drink too much, but it's her father who's the alc (grunts) You know, maybe this isn't a good idea.
I haven't been with another woman since Suzanne I mean, since Suzanne and I started having troubles, and I think I'd better go.
But it was really nice to meet you.
- Shut up, Ray.
- Oh, boy.
I don't understand.
It was a cartoon about your sperm? Yeah, I've been giving my sperm to these two lesbians.
They're fans of mine.
They want to have a kid.
You're helping lesbians have a baby? My girlfriend she doesn't want any more kids and I thought, "Well, this is my chance and I can also help this couple.
" That's beautiful.
I have a daughter.
Oh, yeah? Are you guys close? She lives in Seattle.
We love each other but we're we don't really know each other.
Oh my God.
I have completely failed at the most important thing in life.
I'm gonna call her right now and tell her I love her.
No no no no, you don't want to high-dial your daughter.
- I'm not that high really.
- I think you are.
I'll use the voice changer.
That way she won't be able to tell I'm stoned.
No no no, here.
(distorted) "Hey, honey, I just called to tell you that I love you.
This is your father.
I'm a robot.
" That's stoned thinking.
You'll scare the shit out of her.
You're right.
Hey, should I send her a text message? (screams) Oh, God! - Did you come? - No, not yet.
- That was a loud yell.
- No, you'll know.
Put a finger in now, okay? That'll push me over the top.
Yeah, okay.
See, this is my fleet of Super Sperms.
I could have really used that five grand.
You're very talented.
I mean, these are amazing.
Really? Do you think you could publish them? No no.
It's probably too sperm-oriented for our readership, but I love your style.
Wait wait.
What? How long has Jonathan been in there? I don't know.
I'm on marijuana minutes.
Yeah, me too.
I usually set my diver's watch when I'm stoned so I know how long it's been.
He could have been in there for two hours, but it seems like it's only been five minutes.
I need a new watch.
Are you happy with yours? Yeah, it's Navy Seals', water-resistant up to 200'.
I wear it in the bathtub all the time.
I should get one of these.
I can't wear mine in the bathtub.
(water running) Wow, thank you.
That was amazing.
Get over here now.
You know, they say if babies don't get touched enough they die.
I think the same thing applies to adults, you know? You know, the water pressure is actually pretty good here.
Your name's not Ray.
It's Jonathan.
- How did you? - Jonathan Ames, Brooklyn, New York.
That's my license.
I can't lose that.
I videotaped us.
You're gonna pay me $500 now - and $500 a week for the next 10 weeks.
- Every week? That's more than If I don't get my money your wife gets the tape.
Listen, I had a really nice time with you, but I'm holding all the cards here.
I'm not married.
Who's Suzanne? My ex-girlfriend.
You're actually the first person I've slept with in months.
It was really nice with you, just so you know.
Okay, but you're a novelist.
You're in the public eye.
How did you know? You've read my work? I Googled you.
You freelance at "Edition New York.
" You've written one book, "I Pass Like Night.
" And your Amazon ranking is roughly 447,000.
But the Amazon's ranking thing is all screwed up.
It's not fair I'm gonna put the video on YouTube, Facebook everywhere.
You will be humiliated.
But you had two orgasms.
I want my $500 now.
Have you thought about going to counseling to help with your relationship? I have a wonderful therapist.
He has me doing all sorts of things.
I went a few weeks ago.
Leah made me go.
She also made me go get some colonics.
I'd like a colonic.
- Hey, let me see, let me see.
- Whoa, be patient.
Be patient.
Hey, can I draw you next? I haven't drawn in years.
I want to be like a child.
I want to be free.
Pss-ss-ss.
Please.
Okay okay.
- Did he pay? - Not yet.
He's only got 40 bucks in his wallet.
We'll go out to the ATM.
- Who are you? - I'm the guy with the taser.
Do you guys shop at the spy store on Christopher Street? Shut up.
$500 now and $500 for the next 10 weeks or I will fuck you up.
Listen, I'm a writer.
I don't make that kind of money.
- (buzzes) - (screaming) Ow! That's not cool, man.
That really hurt, all right? You need special training to use one of those things.
Get your fucking pants on.
You didn't have to hurt him.
You do your thing, I'll do mine.
Okay, $500.
Let's go.
Okay okay.
It'll only let me take out $200 at a time.
So make three withdrawals, genius.
But that's three separate service charges.
Look, I will taser you in the face.
Okay okay, I'm just saying you guys should at least acknowledge that I'm now basically paying $509.
Okay okay.
(car engines start) Hey hey hey, guys.
Hey hey.
Hey, Jonathan.
I feel like a child again.
I'm drawing.
What the hell? Didn't you guys see what was going on? No.
What happened? Follow that van.
That guy tasered me.
- Look what I drew.
- Just follow the van.
Now what? I gotta go in there and get those tapes back.
Are you nuts? You can't go in there.
He's tasered you already.
- But I need to get those tapes.
- Who cares? Someone puts a sex tape of you online.
I can't think of anybody's career who hasn't been helped by a sex tape.
Could even help a writer like you.
Jonathan, are you working on your novel? No.
Please, I don't want to talk about my writing.
I have to get that tape back for Mr.
Eaton.
He's got two kids.
It's a sexless marriage but he loves her.
Who cares about that guy? Are you gonna get yourself maimed for $100 $50 if we split it? What do you think, George? I don't really have an opinion.
I'm too stoned to think.
But I'm having a really good time.
Shh.
Oh, God.
- I thought he saw us.
- (laughing) The pot's making me so paranoid.
Okay, she's alone in there.
I'm going in.
I think we should just give up.
There's nothing wrong with failure.
I do it all the time.
But if I can get her alone I can reason with her.
Jonathan.
It's okay.
She had two orgasms.
She must like me.
How do you know she wasn't faking it? - She wasn't.
- Two orgasms? Yes, it was kind of amazing.
I'm anyway, and I could tell that she felt bad when he tasered me.
I think she really likes me.
George, will you reason with him? I think he should go in.
See? Now listen.
If that guy comes back you need to call my cell phone and warn me.
Definitely.
I can handle that.
All right.
I'm counting on you guys.
So please no more pot.
Just keep an eye out, okay? She's gonna face the music and I'm gonna play it.
(distorted) Good luck.
Shh shh.
Kill! What what are you doing here? I want the tapes not just mine, all of them.
You followed me? Of course I followed you.
And I want my tape and Mr.
Eaton's and my money and I guess that's it.
You know Mr.
Eaton? Yeah, he hired me.
I'm a private detective.
I'm also a writer with a bad Amazon ranking, but that doesn't mean I can't call the cops.
No, no cops, please.
Why not? It's the next logical step.
It wasn't my idea.
My brother made me do it.
The cops won't care.
You'll probably get at least five years for extortion.
But you could call me when you get out.
My brother's got gambling debts with the wrong type of people.
If I didn't help him they were gonna kill him.
And this was what you came up with? If he made you do this even if we had a good time then I'm not sure he's a brother worth saving.
So give me those tapes and your word that you'll stop, and I'll leave the cops out of it.
- You promise? - Yes.
Now give me those tapes and the money.
(exhales) Help me! All right, let's go.
Here.
We only did it twice, I swear you and Mr.
Eaton.
He was a nice guy.
But you liked me better, right? I don't want to compare.
- Oh, shit.
- You gotta call Jonathan.
- What? - Call Jonathan.
I can't get a signal.
Stupid New Jersey.
Don't go in the house.
Don't go in the house.
He went in the house.
We gotta go in there.
We gotta go in the house.
- What the fuck are you doing here? - Carl Wait wait, what do I use for a weapon? - Janet? - Yeah.
She extends? Carl: What the fuck are you doing in my house? (all three shouting) Jonathan: We're business partners.
No, we're business partners.
- Carl: Oh, really? - Jonathan: All three of us.
Kill! Damn! Aghh! Oh my God, go go go! Get in the car.
George, come on.
George, come on.
Get in the car.
Now now now.
Come on, go! Hurry.
He's gonna catch us.
George: Floor it.
Ray: I am.
This car sucks.
Shit.
Fuck you.
You too.
We did it! (siren whoops) (laughing) This is not good.
Let me handle this.
Is there a problem, Officer? Oh, yeah.
I think this is the best night I've had in years.
It's 5:30 in the morning, George.
Oh, come on, what's wrong with you guys? Show some team spirit.
The cops found Ray's pipe.
We already smoked everything.
It's not illegal to have a glass pipe.
Residue.
Plus driving while impaired.
Hey, fellows, listen to me.
Don't worry, all right? The magazine has had a criminal lawyer on retainer for years.
I'm going to make all of this go away.
Sometimes one has to embrace one's place in society.
Leah is gonna kill me when she sees that fender.
And we lost Janet.
Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry about Janet.
But, you know, the car just needs a little work.
We'll find a body shop.
I can't afford a body shop right now.
You know, I have a solution for that too.
I'm full of solutions.
I want to pay you and Jonathan to collaborate on a comic for the magazine about this whole case.
I mean, my original cover story idea was way too grandiose.
But a comic is better, right? I mean, comics are really in now.
Could be fun.
We've never worked together.
I don't give a shit about that.
I need the money.
Well, thanks, George.
No, thank you for a great night.
I am still stoned.
That was really good pot.
Shh, God.
Don't say that.
(George laughing) (theme music playing) All the shadows in the city Used to love you, what a pity I miss the questions you used to ask me All the shadows in the city All right Bored to death, plus expenses The only trouble is my sentence You said you'd never love another A Russian doll, one inside the other.