Boston Legal s01e06 Episode Script
Truth Be Told
Roberta's mad at me, sweetheart.
Can you feel it? I'm not mad.
I just wonder with only two days left this is the most optimal use of your time especially since we're missing vital one-on-one interface with the swing voters at the Faneuil Hall event this morning, not to mention Roberta, we have plenty of time for all that.
We'll just be here 20 minutes.
And then we'll need to get you straight down to the harbor for the E.
P.
A.
Announcement which will have crews from every local station.
- Cable news.
- Probably make tomorrow's Globe above the fold.
- So 20 minutes, right? - Yes, 20 minutes.
And that's another thing.
Who the hell is Alan Shore? - Hello, Samantha.
- Alan.
Samantha Fleming, this is Tara Wilson.
- Hello.
- Pleasure.
- Do you get any sleep at all? - Yes, about three hours a night.
- Twenty minutes.
- Jack, don't you think I should be part of the meeting? No.
Samantha and I will take this one alone.
Oh.
The accusations were shocking.
Money laundering.
Tax evasion.
Obstruction ofjustice.
The verdict: Guilty on all counts.
And now, believe it or not, Jack Fleming wants to be our next mayor.
Ask yourself, would you rather have a candidate with convictions or a candidate who's been convicted? Paid for by the committee to reelect Mayor Thomas Snyder.
In your defense, I suppose black and white makes us all look a bit like Moe Howard.
Well, it gets me ticked off every time I see the damn thing and there is not a word of truth in it.
But apparently, that doesn't matter.
You know, I've got three Harvard law professors and a former U.
S.
Attorney on my campaign steering committee all saying that there is no way that I can get that ad yanked off the air.
So I doubt if you've got a silver bullet here, Al.
No offense.
Alan.
None taken.
The ad is completely false.
Jack was never convicted of those charges.
It was a third generation family real estate trust.
He was a passive beneficiary, a victim of a trustee whose greed got the trust prosecuted, notJack personally.
I know you can help us.
You should feel flattered, Alan.
My-My wife seems to hold you in very high esteem.
And I her.
As you know in college not a day went by that I didn't long to sleep with you.
I hope I'm not being inappropriate.
- As a matter of fact, you are.
- Then my apologies.
When you spoke about truth a moment ago I guess I mistook that as a preference for full disclosure.
Uh, boys, we don't have time for this.
Alan, I know it's gonna be tough to get an injunction on this thing.
You've read the First Amendment then.
Three days ago, we had a double-digit lead.
Then they put this thing on the air, and our overnight polls dropped six points in 72 hours.
If we don't move fast, we're going to lose all because of this late hit.
These lies.
Please help us.
Let me see if I understand this.
- In college, you longed to have sex with her.
- Yes.
You ached to feel her naked body pressed up against yours.
- Yes.
Well said.
- And yet, nothing between the two of you ever happened? We suffered from bad timing.
You're wondering if that's our destiny yours and mine.
- Twenty years of unrequited foreplay.
- Is that what you want? Is that what you want? Well, it just seems that our timing might also Mr.
Shore, I saw you in the conference room with Jack Fleming.
- What were you two doing? - Tai chi, actually.
I hope it is clear to you that it would be an unacceptable conflict of interest for you to represent Jack Fleming in any matter.
This firm is extremely close to Mayor Snyder.
Then this firm should take a shower, don't you think? He is a callous smug and brutish man who hates the poor and abuses the powerless.
You're not following me.
We earn a great deal of money working for the city due primarily to Mayor Snyder's good will.
- One would think that was obvious.
- One would.
- One would think that was obvious.
- One would.
Well, now I have to take the case.
- Now, I'm gonna ask you a series of - Denny Crane.
Why did you just say that? Well, isn't that how you guys usually begin a mental status examination by determining if the subject knows his own name? - Well, yes.
- Denny Crane.
Got it.
And who am I, Mr.
Crane? You are Dr.
Thomas H.
Lee, neurologist.
- Good.
Can you tell me what day of the week this is? - Monday.
And a particularly crisp and beautiful one too, I might add.
Good.
And who is the current president of the United States? That would be Ernest Borgnine.
I'll bet you get lunatics in here every day that that say that stuff for real, right? The current president of the United States is George Walker Bush son to George Herbert Walker Bush whose father was the late United States Senator Prescott Bush who, as an undergraduate at Yale, once wrestled my father in the nude.
But that's a story for another day.
Let's stick to the issues at hand.
Denny Crane.
Flight risk? Your Honor, my client can barely walk.
He weighs 300 pounds and suffers from acute rheumatoid arthritis.
Plus, I think I got a touch of the gout, Judge.
I ain't going nowhere.
He was moving at a pretty good clip when he left thatjewelry store.
It was a one-time adrenaline rush.
Your O.
R.
Motion is denied, Miss Colson.
Bail set at 50,000.
We'll take 15, folks.
This way.
- You got a minute? - Sure.
I need a good lawyer.
You available? Flattered.
What's up? Well, Marcy and I split up.
Yeah.
I was so sorry to hear that.
I can recommend somebody, Richard, but I don't do matrimonial work.
No, no.
I already found somebody for that part.
There's something else.
Five years ago when my son was born we saved his umbilical cord blood.
- You mean in the delivery room? - Right.
We got it stored in one of those cryo-labs just in case Zachary ever needs to use it to treat a cancer he develops, God forbid.
Welcome to parenting in the new millennium.
Anyway, the account, it was opened in Marcy's name which, at the time, I didn't think twice about.
But now, the lab is saying that makes her the responsible party, not the two of us jointly.
She's refusing to release the cord blood.
- She won't let it be used.
- Your son is sick? I'm sick.
Multiple myeloma.
It was diagnosed six months ago.
- Oh, Richard, I - Chemo hasn't worked so far, and they're saying that I need a bone marrow transplant.
But they can't find a suitable donor.
And your son's cord blood would work instead? - They think so.
- It's just sitting there in a freezer? Just sitting.
Without it, they give me six months, maybe.
Do you think I got a lawsuit? Let's meet with her first, hope we don't have to file.
Good.
Okay.
Thanks.
And then what happened, Mr.
Shrum? Well, when I couldn't get the Pop Tart out of the toaster, I unplugged it.
And then I jammed a fork down the slot and I guess I must've jiggered it around pretty good because Give us a moment, please.
Mark, what did I tell you about volunteering extraneous information? - Not to.
- Right.
This is a deposition.
You answer the questions truthfully but never volunteer anything.
So don't add stuff like "jiggering forks around pretty good.
" Just answer every question with as few words as possible.
Got it.
Sorry.
All right, Mr.
Shrum, when you repeatedly manipulated the fork around in the toaster slot and then received an electrical shock and second degree burns whose fault would you say that was? Mine? I can't answer any shorter.
That was one word.
Denny, we really do need to talk.
- The partners are concerned.
- About what? Well, your billables.
Do you realize that so far this year you've only billed 1,400 hours which is 200 hours less than you had billed up to this point in calendar '03? Which was, as you know, a year that saw a marked decline - Breakfast? - I already ate.
In short, Denny, you are coming in light by about 700,000 a year which means that since calendar '99 alone you have cost us 3.
5 million.
You ever forget things? - Things? Like what? - I don't know.
People's names, where you put the car keys, whether or not you showered what a case you're arguing is all about? Not really.
Well, you should get it looked at just the same.
You could have what is called mild cognitive impairment.
It's a precursor to Alzheimer's.
Denny, you are theoretically our foremost rainmaker but you haven't brought in a new seven-figure client in two years.
You haven't filed a class action in five years.
Care to guess how much Lisby, DeRusen and Floren billed as lead counsel in the tobacco class action? It's raining cash out there, Denny.
We're not getting wet.
You could do crossword puzzles.
- Excuse me? - It's a great brain stimulator.
So is learning new skills.
You know what else helps? Speaking from time to time in a foreign language.
What are you doing? Researching a case citation.
Have you ever used a computer before? An entirely new experience.
Bottom line, Your Honor, if Mr.
Fleming feels aggrieved by the way he's portrayed in my client's campaign commercials then let him counter it with commercials of his own.
As Justice Brandeis said, the best antidote to false speech is more speech.
It's not surprising Brandeis would say that.
He was a well-known drunk and pedophile.
- No, he wasn't.
- That's right.
He wasn't.
I made it up.
Does anyone have a problem with me making provably false accusations about honorable people just so my side can win? - Because that's certainly their strategy.
- He's amazing.
Yes.
We're quite fond of him.
Mr.
Shore is asking that you impose prior restraint on speech.
And not just any speech, but the robust dialogue of a political contest.
We don't do that in this country.
If they took a song from the Beatles catalog and used it in a campaign commercial without permission would you order the commercial off the air? - Of course you would.
- It's an absurd analogy, Your Honor.
What if they ran a campaign commercial with footage of this young woman here showering? Footage secretly taken with a lipstick camera mounted in her health club locker room.
- This is ridiculous.
- The point is, in all of those cases we absolutely would see injunctive relief granted because those are rights worth protecting.
And so is the right ofJack Fleming to have the truth told about his life.
But how do we determine the truth, Your Honor? Would Mr.
Shore have us establish a government department of veracity? Mr.
Fleming already has a remedy available.
It's called a slander suit.
I'm curious.
When one wins a slander suit, does the court award votes? Because that's the issue here.
They're trying to cost him the election now even if they have to pay him a few dollars years from now.
Well, this has been fascinating, gentlemen.
Kind of like debate night at Mensa.
Mr.
Gellman, that TVspot you're defending is emphatically vile.
But, Mr.
Shore, he's right.
Political speech is not subject to priorjudicial review.
And thank the Lord, or it's all I'd ever do.
We're adjourned.
Well, that was discouraging.
It was.
I'm sorry.
- You tried.
- What now? I'm gonna recommend we do a gang bang sit-down with the four local anchormen.
Obviously, you byJack's side doing the whole "stand by your man" thing.
Very important when accusations go to character like this.
We answer every question, dominate the airwaves.
The message: Our guy is a superior piece of manpower.
- Feedback? - Sounds good.
That copacetic on your end? Mmm, sure.
Copacetic on my end too.
Your end? Got it.
Right back with your coffee.
Thank you.
Well, we're very grateful that you agreed to meet with us.
Did I have a choice? You were pretty insistent on the phone.
Sorry.
It's just a situation of some urgency.
And I know you said you didn't want to retain counsel - but I would respectfully suggest - We've spent enough on lawyers.
Had a five-star divorce, didn't we, Richard? Look, I have to pick up Zach from a play date, so Well, what I came to say, it's simple, Marcy.
I'm sick, and I need your help.
I can't let you use Zach's cord blood.
I told you that when you called.
What if he gets sick and needs it himself? We saved it for a reason.
Marcy, I can certainly understand your feelings, but perhaps - Do you have children, Miss Colson? - No.
You wanna protect Zach, and I understand that.
But how about protecting him from losing his father? He's not gonna lose you.
You're strong.
- You'll beat this.
- No.
Not without a compatible donor.
This isn't some simple transfusion we're talking about.
They need an exact match, and they can't find one.
- They've tried, Marcy.
Don't you get it? - Well, they should keep trying.
But I'm running out of time! Please don't yell at me.
I'm sorry.
I was thinking on the way over here about the day Zach was born and holding him and feeling as if I was part of some great continuum.
Feeling as if It's stupid, but feeling as if I had thrown my DNA forward into the future.
You know, like some biological javelin.
He's my flesh and blood, Marcy.
I would never do anything to put him at risk.
I've read all the literature.
I mean, the chances of Zach ever needing to use this are about one in 2,700.
But I need it now to live.
I am his flesh and blood too, Marcy.
Please don't ask me about this again.
Either of you.
It's okay.
I understand you provided representation toJack Fleming after all contrary to my explicit instructions.
I did.
But please understand ordinarily, I place great value on all things explicit.
Is it your feeling that Denny Crane will protect you from me? It is to the extent that he recalls who I am.
Well, perhaps it will jog his memory when I devote a large portion of next month's senior partners meeting to a discussion of your situation here.
Miss Wilson.
Was that man threatening you again? Yes.
It seems to be his job description.
CNN said the election was too close to call.
Fleming is up two points, but it's within the margin of error.
I think that's what I'll call my autobiography Within the Margin of Error.
Will I be in it? Depends on who ghosts it.
I'll certainly lobby on your behalf.
Well I'll expect a chapter minimum.
Well, I would imagine you could earn a chapter quite easily I was wondering if you could help me with this product liability issue.
Never mind.
- No, please.
I'm all yours.
- Hardly.
Ever used a computer? Denny.
Um, yes.
Yes, I have.
Remarkable machine.
Let me ask you a question.
A manufacturer of toasters should anticipate that their written safety instructions will be ignored to the extent that they're counterintuitive and should plan for that contingency, right? In an ideal world.
What are you doing here? I was afraid you'd hang up if I tried calling you.
Can we talk? I have nothing else to say.
I think I know your secret.
It was only one time.
Richard and I just had a huge fight.
I went to spend the weekend at my sister's, and there was a guy there this houseguest of hers.
We were all drinking wine, and suddenly, he and I were alone.
And it just happened.
I agonized about whether or not to have the baby.
And in retrospect, I can't imagine not, you know? But I promised myself that Richard would never, ever find out.
You can't tell him.
You should tell him.
He deserves to know, especially now.
No, now would be the worst time.
Being Zach's father is what he lives for.
If you don't tell him, I will.
I'm his attorney.
- I have an obligation.
- Just tell him I won't release the cord blood.
Tell him to keep trying to find a match.
He needs to keep trying.
If Zachary's blood could save him, of course I would let him have it.
And it tears me apart that I can't tell him that, but I can't.
How did you figure it out? Occupational hazard.
I watch people's eyes.
When Richard was telling you how he felt the day Zach was born Promise me you won't tell him.
I have an obligation.
Samantha.
You're wet.
It's raining.
He's screwing her.
That media consultant, Roberta she left a detailed message on his cell phone.
Didn't know I was borrowing it.
- Come in.
Get dry.
- Buy me a drink? Maybe if he'd done it with somebody extraordinary.
Roberta, she's She's just so Sufficient.
I'm sorry.
It's fine.
This is my regular place.
I bring crying women here all the time.
Oh, really? Well, I guess I'm that cliché.
The credulous political wife cheated on, humiliated, didn't see it coming.
I have to do that interview with him tomorrow.
Stand by my man.
He doesn't know that I know.
- What do I do? - What do you want? I want out.
I guess I am out.
I guess I've been out.
I do want him to win the election.
I do.
He'd be a great mayor.
He really does care about people.
As long as they're strangers to him.
You really don't like him.
- Is that why you made that joke in your conference room when When I said not a day in college went by that I didn't long to sleep with you? - Yeah.
- It wasn't a joke.
I had a place all picked out back then.
A motel out on Route 9.
- The Aloha Inn.
- Oh.
I thought you might appreciate the tropical ambience.
I'm imagining a lot of rattan and plastic orchids.
There's a neon sign out front that blinks "Aloha" in orange then "Inn" in pink.
Then the hula girl's skirt in green over and over and over.
- Sounds lush.
- And all night long the rooms are flooded with the glow of that neon.
And I always wondered how you would look naked in all that pink green and orange.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You okay? - Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna see if the candidate can squeeze me in for a moment.
- A moment of your time? - Are you joking? We're about to start.
It's a pressing matter.
Perhaps we could duck in there.
- You've got 30 seconds.
- Then I'd better jump right in.
Do you have a favorite movie about politics? - Mine is The Candidate.
- Okay, we're done here.
I still have 20 seconds left.
I especially like that scene after Redford wins the election when he asks his top adviser "Marvin, what do we do now?" Good-bye, Mr.
Shore.
You're a married man, Jack, having a furtive, sexual relationship with your media consultant.
Which begs the question, "Marvin, what do we do now?" Of course, your name isn't Marvin and Redford had already won.
You, on the other hand, could still lose if anything unpleasant were to come up.
- And does she know? - Use her name.
Does Samantha know? Samantha knows.
This is a memorandum of agreement.
By all means, read it when you have a free moment.
But I'll need your signature right now, I'm afraid.
So here are the headlines.
Samantha will do your little dog and pony show out there and all other events with you from now through the inauguration should you be lucky enough to have one.
She, of course, smiling at all times exactly like Pat Nixon.
And in return, after the divorce she gets a meaningful role in every high-level appointment and major policy initiative during your first term.
She put you here.
She's earned it.
I would never, ever give her that.
Do you understand? Perfectly.
So then, we'll handle this transaction in the only currency that's really available to us.
Samantha gets the house in Nantucket in the various bank accounts as of close of business yesterday, the mutual funds in their entirety and 60% of all other assets as determined by the forensic accountants that we will hire and you will pay for.
Oh.
Uh, be sure to date it on the bottom there.
- You can't lie to a client.
- I know.
I told her.
It's just the news will crush him, Paul.
And to what end? What good will have been done? He will have been dealt with truthfully by his attorney.
That's the good.
I know all the law school arguments.
Let's talk real world here.
Okay.
Real world? If I learned that an attorney in this firm knowingly told a lie to a client a lie central to the matter the client had retained us to handle I would personally report it to the ethics committee of the state bar regardless of whatever respect or affection I might feel for the attorney in question.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I was just leaving.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
I know I could'vejust faxed this over but I wanted to massage some of the language with you.
You're gonna be a better judge on whether the arguments here are too inflammatory - Richard - which is the obvious pitfall - filing appellate papers against your ex-wife - Richard, listen.
I'll just shut up and let you read it.
I'm sorry.
Look, there's something I need to tell you and I don't know how to begin.
You said my client was here.
Mark Shrum? He was here.
Mr.
Crane came out to get him.
Denny got him? I don't understand how Marcy could do this.
She feels deeply ashamed.
But the priority now has to be finding you a suitable donor.
But how could Marcy destroy the cord blood? It wasn't intentional.
She was having it transferred last week from one lab to another.
I guess she wanted to hide it from you.
There was a shipping glitch.
It went 36 hours without being refrigerated.
She's devastated.
I talked to Denny Crane.
He's a trustee of Boston General.
He's having their chief of oncology call you tomorrow.
Thank you.
That's very kind.
They'll find you a match.
I know they will.
You're gonna get through this.
Let's hope.
And at other times, often obnoxious this refusal of Mayor Snyder to agree to debate his challenger Of course, there was onejoint campaign appearance the candidates sharing the same stage at one point several weeks ago when the Snyder camp called a debate - It feels good, doesn't it? - What feels good? Having sex with a candidate.
If he wins I bet the orgasms are even better if he wins.
I'm jealous.
And we're ready to make a call in the race for mayor of Boston.
Okay, everybody, this is it! Based on exit polling, we are now projecting that Mayor Thomas Snyder has lost his bid to win reelection.
Let's go.
He'll want you downstairs in the ballroom basking in the adulation.
- Part of the deal.
- New deal.
This is where I get off.
You coming? But one thing we do know tonight.
The Thomas Snyder era is coming to an end and Boston's new mayor will beJack Fleming.
Stan Forrester is standing by at the Fleming victory party at the Hyatt where a very happy crowd is waiting for the mayor-elect and his wife to make their way down to the ballroom.
Can you hear me, Stan? Denny, I'm worried about you.
You're speaking French to the messengers.
You got crossword puzzles spread out all over the conference table.
You walk into reception, hijack one of Sally Heep's clients actually have a meeting with him in your office.
Did you even know what his case was about? I took that test the other day.
The one where they ask you a bunch of questions to see if you've turned into an imbecile.
Then they do a scan of your brain.
You know what they found out? That I have a lot of blue and yellow and red stuff colliding up there.
The damn M.
R.
I.
Photo looks like a hurricane.
I don't remember what was the good color and what was the bad color.
But the point is this.
They discovered that I remember some things and I forget others.
And that's the way it's gonna be.
You wanna know what that man's case is all about? He stuck a fork in a toaster.
It's a little pissant lawsuit.
- But I remember what you said the other day.
- What was that? Seriously, Paul, you have to have that test.
You said that we weren't filing enough class action suits.
That we were missing out on a gold shower.
L-I believe I said a money shower.
I heard the fact pattern of the Sally Heep case.
I was able to persuade Mr.
Shrum that there was a greater good to be achieved.
And, long story short, happily the toaster company was open to my argument.
What argument? That an attorney like Denny Crane with extensive class action experience could easily turn Mr.
Shrum's case into a lucrative opportunity.
On the other hand, if they were to give Denny Crane their ongoing legal business augmenting the fine work done by the in-house counsel then Denny Crane would be unavailable to represent Mr.
Shrum who incidentally is going to receive $50,000 from the company as a goodwill gesture.
So don't you worry too much, Paul about Denny Crane.
And I also want to say to my wife Samantha who unfortunately could not be here tonight She's a little under the weather.
Samantha, I love you and I wish you could be right up here beside me right now.
That's right.
Sure we do.
Okay.
Thank you all.
God bless you, Boston.
You did the right thing.
Yes, I did.
I lied to him.
Lori.
You realize you have exposed this firm to a potentially enormous liability award and imposed on me certain excruciating ethical obligations? You'll do the right thing too.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
We should've done this much sooner.
Let's do it again.
Can you feel it? I'm not mad.
I just wonder with only two days left this is the most optimal use of your time especially since we're missing vital one-on-one interface with the swing voters at the Faneuil Hall event this morning, not to mention Roberta, we have plenty of time for all that.
We'll just be here 20 minutes.
And then we'll need to get you straight down to the harbor for the E.
P.
A.
Announcement which will have crews from every local station.
- Cable news.
- Probably make tomorrow's Globe above the fold.
- So 20 minutes, right? - Yes, 20 minutes.
And that's another thing.
Who the hell is Alan Shore? - Hello, Samantha.
- Alan.
Samantha Fleming, this is Tara Wilson.
- Hello.
- Pleasure.
- Do you get any sleep at all? - Yes, about three hours a night.
- Twenty minutes.
- Jack, don't you think I should be part of the meeting? No.
Samantha and I will take this one alone.
Oh.
The accusations were shocking.
Money laundering.
Tax evasion.
Obstruction ofjustice.
The verdict: Guilty on all counts.
And now, believe it or not, Jack Fleming wants to be our next mayor.
Ask yourself, would you rather have a candidate with convictions or a candidate who's been convicted? Paid for by the committee to reelect Mayor Thomas Snyder.
In your defense, I suppose black and white makes us all look a bit like Moe Howard.
Well, it gets me ticked off every time I see the damn thing and there is not a word of truth in it.
But apparently, that doesn't matter.
You know, I've got three Harvard law professors and a former U.
S.
Attorney on my campaign steering committee all saying that there is no way that I can get that ad yanked off the air.
So I doubt if you've got a silver bullet here, Al.
No offense.
Alan.
None taken.
The ad is completely false.
Jack was never convicted of those charges.
It was a third generation family real estate trust.
He was a passive beneficiary, a victim of a trustee whose greed got the trust prosecuted, notJack personally.
I know you can help us.
You should feel flattered, Alan.
My-My wife seems to hold you in very high esteem.
And I her.
As you know in college not a day went by that I didn't long to sleep with you.
I hope I'm not being inappropriate.
- As a matter of fact, you are.
- Then my apologies.
When you spoke about truth a moment ago I guess I mistook that as a preference for full disclosure.
Uh, boys, we don't have time for this.
Alan, I know it's gonna be tough to get an injunction on this thing.
You've read the First Amendment then.
Three days ago, we had a double-digit lead.
Then they put this thing on the air, and our overnight polls dropped six points in 72 hours.
If we don't move fast, we're going to lose all because of this late hit.
These lies.
Please help us.
Let me see if I understand this.
- In college, you longed to have sex with her.
- Yes.
You ached to feel her naked body pressed up against yours.
- Yes.
Well said.
- And yet, nothing between the two of you ever happened? We suffered from bad timing.
You're wondering if that's our destiny yours and mine.
- Twenty years of unrequited foreplay.
- Is that what you want? Is that what you want? Well, it just seems that our timing might also Mr.
Shore, I saw you in the conference room with Jack Fleming.
- What were you two doing? - Tai chi, actually.
I hope it is clear to you that it would be an unacceptable conflict of interest for you to represent Jack Fleming in any matter.
This firm is extremely close to Mayor Snyder.
Then this firm should take a shower, don't you think? He is a callous smug and brutish man who hates the poor and abuses the powerless.
You're not following me.
We earn a great deal of money working for the city due primarily to Mayor Snyder's good will.
- One would think that was obvious.
- One would.
- One would think that was obvious.
- One would.
Well, now I have to take the case.
- Now, I'm gonna ask you a series of - Denny Crane.
Why did you just say that? Well, isn't that how you guys usually begin a mental status examination by determining if the subject knows his own name? - Well, yes.
- Denny Crane.
Got it.
And who am I, Mr.
Crane? You are Dr.
Thomas H.
Lee, neurologist.
- Good.
Can you tell me what day of the week this is? - Monday.
And a particularly crisp and beautiful one too, I might add.
Good.
And who is the current president of the United States? That would be Ernest Borgnine.
I'll bet you get lunatics in here every day that that say that stuff for real, right? The current president of the United States is George Walker Bush son to George Herbert Walker Bush whose father was the late United States Senator Prescott Bush who, as an undergraduate at Yale, once wrestled my father in the nude.
But that's a story for another day.
Let's stick to the issues at hand.
Denny Crane.
Flight risk? Your Honor, my client can barely walk.
He weighs 300 pounds and suffers from acute rheumatoid arthritis.
Plus, I think I got a touch of the gout, Judge.
I ain't going nowhere.
He was moving at a pretty good clip when he left thatjewelry store.
It was a one-time adrenaline rush.
Your O.
R.
Motion is denied, Miss Colson.
Bail set at 50,000.
We'll take 15, folks.
This way.
- You got a minute? - Sure.
I need a good lawyer.
You available? Flattered.
What's up? Well, Marcy and I split up.
Yeah.
I was so sorry to hear that.
I can recommend somebody, Richard, but I don't do matrimonial work.
No, no.
I already found somebody for that part.
There's something else.
Five years ago when my son was born we saved his umbilical cord blood.
- You mean in the delivery room? - Right.
We got it stored in one of those cryo-labs just in case Zachary ever needs to use it to treat a cancer he develops, God forbid.
Welcome to parenting in the new millennium.
Anyway, the account, it was opened in Marcy's name which, at the time, I didn't think twice about.
But now, the lab is saying that makes her the responsible party, not the two of us jointly.
She's refusing to release the cord blood.
- She won't let it be used.
- Your son is sick? I'm sick.
Multiple myeloma.
It was diagnosed six months ago.
- Oh, Richard, I - Chemo hasn't worked so far, and they're saying that I need a bone marrow transplant.
But they can't find a suitable donor.
And your son's cord blood would work instead? - They think so.
- It's just sitting there in a freezer? Just sitting.
Without it, they give me six months, maybe.
Do you think I got a lawsuit? Let's meet with her first, hope we don't have to file.
Good.
Okay.
Thanks.
And then what happened, Mr.
Shrum? Well, when I couldn't get the Pop Tart out of the toaster, I unplugged it.
And then I jammed a fork down the slot and I guess I must've jiggered it around pretty good because Give us a moment, please.
Mark, what did I tell you about volunteering extraneous information? - Not to.
- Right.
This is a deposition.
You answer the questions truthfully but never volunteer anything.
So don't add stuff like "jiggering forks around pretty good.
" Just answer every question with as few words as possible.
Got it.
Sorry.
All right, Mr.
Shrum, when you repeatedly manipulated the fork around in the toaster slot and then received an electrical shock and second degree burns whose fault would you say that was? Mine? I can't answer any shorter.
That was one word.
Denny, we really do need to talk.
- The partners are concerned.
- About what? Well, your billables.
Do you realize that so far this year you've only billed 1,400 hours which is 200 hours less than you had billed up to this point in calendar '03? Which was, as you know, a year that saw a marked decline - Breakfast? - I already ate.
In short, Denny, you are coming in light by about 700,000 a year which means that since calendar '99 alone you have cost us 3.
5 million.
You ever forget things? - Things? Like what? - I don't know.
People's names, where you put the car keys, whether or not you showered what a case you're arguing is all about? Not really.
Well, you should get it looked at just the same.
You could have what is called mild cognitive impairment.
It's a precursor to Alzheimer's.
Denny, you are theoretically our foremost rainmaker but you haven't brought in a new seven-figure client in two years.
You haven't filed a class action in five years.
Care to guess how much Lisby, DeRusen and Floren billed as lead counsel in the tobacco class action? It's raining cash out there, Denny.
We're not getting wet.
You could do crossword puzzles.
- Excuse me? - It's a great brain stimulator.
So is learning new skills.
You know what else helps? Speaking from time to time in a foreign language.
What are you doing? Researching a case citation.
Have you ever used a computer before? An entirely new experience.
Bottom line, Your Honor, if Mr.
Fleming feels aggrieved by the way he's portrayed in my client's campaign commercials then let him counter it with commercials of his own.
As Justice Brandeis said, the best antidote to false speech is more speech.
It's not surprising Brandeis would say that.
He was a well-known drunk and pedophile.
- No, he wasn't.
- That's right.
He wasn't.
I made it up.
Does anyone have a problem with me making provably false accusations about honorable people just so my side can win? - Because that's certainly their strategy.
- He's amazing.
Yes.
We're quite fond of him.
Mr.
Shore is asking that you impose prior restraint on speech.
And not just any speech, but the robust dialogue of a political contest.
We don't do that in this country.
If they took a song from the Beatles catalog and used it in a campaign commercial without permission would you order the commercial off the air? - Of course you would.
- It's an absurd analogy, Your Honor.
What if they ran a campaign commercial with footage of this young woman here showering? Footage secretly taken with a lipstick camera mounted in her health club locker room.
- This is ridiculous.
- The point is, in all of those cases we absolutely would see injunctive relief granted because those are rights worth protecting.
And so is the right ofJack Fleming to have the truth told about his life.
But how do we determine the truth, Your Honor? Would Mr.
Shore have us establish a government department of veracity? Mr.
Fleming already has a remedy available.
It's called a slander suit.
I'm curious.
When one wins a slander suit, does the court award votes? Because that's the issue here.
They're trying to cost him the election now even if they have to pay him a few dollars years from now.
Well, this has been fascinating, gentlemen.
Kind of like debate night at Mensa.
Mr.
Gellman, that TVspot you're defending is emphatically vile.
But, Mr.
Shore, he's right.
Political speech is not subject to priorjudicial review.
And thank the Lord, or it's all I'd ever do.
We're adjourned.
Well, that was discouraging.
It was.
I'm sorry.
- You tried.
- What now? I'm gonna recommend we do a gang bang sit-down with the four local anchormen.
Obviously, you byJack's side doing the whole "stand by your man" thing.
Very important when accusations go to character like this.
We answer every question, dominate the airwaves.
The message: Our guy is a superior piece of manpower.
- Feedback? - Sounds good.
That copacetic on your end? Mmm, sure.
Copacetic on my end too.
Your end? Got it.
Right back with your coffee.
Thank you.
Well, we're very grateful that you agreed to meet with us.
Did I have a choice? You were pretty insistent on the phone.
Sorry.
It's just a situation of some urgency.
And I know you said you didn't want to retain counsel - but I would respectfully suggest - We've spent enough on lawyers.
Had a five-star divorce, didn't we, Richard? Look, I have to pick up Zach from a play date, so Well, what I came to say, it's simple, Marcy.
I'm sick, and I need your help.
I can't let you use Zach's cord blood.
I told you that when you called.
What if he gets sick and needs it himself? We saved it for a reason.
Marcy, I can certainly understand your feelings, but perhaps - Do you have children, Miss Colson? - No.
You wanna protect Zach, and I understand that.
But how about protecting him from losing his father? He's not gonna lose you.
You're strong.
- You'll beat this.
- No.
Not without a compatible donor.
This isn't some simple transfusion we're talking about.
They need an exact match, and they can't find one.
- They've tried, Marcy.
Don't you get it? - Well, they should keep trying.
But I'm running out of time! Please don't yell at me.
I'm sorry.
I was thinking on the way over here about the day Zach was born and holding him and feeling as if I was part of some great continuum.
Feeling as if It's stupid, but feeling as if I had thrown my DNA forward into the future.
You know, like some biological javelin.
He's my flesh and blood, Marcy.
I would never do anything to put him at risk.
I've read all the literature.
I mean, the chances of Zach ever needing to use this are about one in 2,700.
But I need it now to live.
I am his flesh and blood too, Marcy.
Please don't ask me about this again.
Either of you.
It's okay.
I understand you provided representation toJack Fleming after all contrary to my explicit instructions.
I did.
But please understand ordinarily, I place great value on all things explicit.
Is it your feeling that Denny Crane will protect you from me? It is to the extent that he recalls who I am.
Well, perhaps it will jog his memory when I devote a large portion of next month's senior partners meeting to a discussion of your situation here.
Miss Wilson.
Was that man threatening you again? Yes.
It seems to be his job description.
CNN said the election was too close to call.
Fleming is up two points, but it's within the margin of error.
I think that's what I'll call my autobiography Within the Margin of Error.
Will I be in it? Depends on who ghosts it.
I'll certainly lobby on your behalf.
Well I'll expect a chapter minimum.
Well, I would imagine you could earn a chapter quite easily I was wondering if you could help me with this product liability issue.
Never mind.
- No, please.
I'm all yours.
- Hardly.
Ever used a computer? Denny.
Um, yes.
Yes, I have.
Remarkable machine.
Let me ask you a question.
A manufacturer of toasters should anticipate that their written safety instructions will be ignored to the extent that they're counterintuitive and should plan for that contingency, right? In an ideal world.
What are you doing here? I was afraid you'd hang up if I tried calling you.
Can we talk? I have nothing else to say.
I think I know your secret.
It was only one time.
Richard and I just had a huge fight.
I went to spend the weekend at my sister's, and there was a guy there this houseguest of hers.
We were all drinking wine, and suddenly, he and I were alone.
And it just happened.
I agonized about whether or not to have the baby.
And in retrospect, I can't imagine not, you know? But I promised myself that Richard would never, ever find out.
You can't tell him.
You should tell him.
He deserves to know, especially now.
No, now would be the worst time.
Being Zach's father is what he lives for.
If you don't tell him, I will.
I'm his attorney.
- I have an obligation.
- Just tell him I won't release the cord blood.
Tell him to keep trying to find a match.
He needs to keep trying.
If Zachary's blood could save him, of course I would let him have it.
And it tears me apart that I can't tell him that, but I can't.
How did you figure it out? Occupational hazard.
I watch people's eyes.
When Richard was telling you how he felt the day Zach was born Promise me you won't tell him.
I have an obligation.
Samantha.
You're wet.
It's raining.
He's screwing her.
That media consultant, Roberta she left a detailed message on his cell phone.
Didn't know I was borrowing it.
- Come in.
Get dry.
- Buy me a drink? Maybe if he'd done it with somebody extraordinary.
Roberta, she's She's just so Sufficient.
I'm sorry.
It's fine.
This is my regular place.
I bring crying women here all the time.
Oh, really? Well, I guess I'm that cliché.
The credulous political wife cheated on, humiliated, didn't see it coming.
I have to do that interview with him tomorrow.
Stand by my man.
He doesn't know that I know.
- What do I do? - What do you want? I want out.
I guess I am out.
I guess I've been out.
I do want him to win the election.
I do.
He'd be a great mayor.
He really does care about people.
As long as they're strangers to him.
You really don't like him.
- Is that why you made that joke in your conference room when When I said not a day in college went by that I didn't long to sleep with you? - Yeah.
- It wasn't a joke.
I had a place all picked out back then.
A motel out on Route 9.
- The Aloha Inn.
- Oh.
I thought you might appreciate the tropical ambience.
I'm imagining a lot of rattan and plastic orchids.
There's a neon sign out front that blinks "Aloha" in orange then "Inn" in pink.
Then the hula girl's skirt in green over and over and over.
- Sounds lush.
- And all night long the rooms are flooded with the glow of that neon.
And I always wondered how you would look naked in all that pink green and orange.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You okay? - Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna see if the candidate can squeeze me in for a moment.
- A moment of your time? - Are you joking? We're about to start.
It's a pressing matter.
Perhaps we could duck in there.
- You've got 30 seconds.
- Then I'd better jump right in.
Do you have a favorite movie about politics? - Mine is The Candidate.
- Okay, we're done here.
I still have 20 seconds left.
I especially like that scene after Redford wins the election when he asks his top adviser "Marvin, what do we do now?" Good-bye, Mr.
Shore.
You're a married man, Jack, having a furtive, sexual relationship with your media consultant.
Which begs the question, "Marvin, what do we do now?" Of course, your name isn't Marvin and Redford had already won.
You, on the other hand, could still lose if anything unpleasant were to come up.
- And does she know? - Use her name.
Does Samantha know? Samantha knows.
This is a memorandum of agreement.
By all means, read it when you have a free moment.
But I'll need your signature right now, I'm afraid.
So here are the headlines.
Samantha will do your little dog and pony show out there and all other events with you from now through the inauguration should you be lucky enough to have one.
She, of course, smiling at all times exactly like Pat Nixon.
And in return, after the divorce she gets a meaningful role in every high-level appointment and major policy initiative during your first term.
She put you here.
She's earned it.
I would never, ever give her that.
Do you understand? Perfectly.
So then, we'll handle this transaction in the only currency that's really available to us.
Samantha gets the house in Nantucket in the various bank accounts as of close of business yesterday, the mutual funds in their entirety and 60% of all other assets as determined by the forensic accountants that we will hire and you will pay for.
Oh.
Uh, be sure to date it on the bottom there.
- You can't lie to a client.
- I know.
I told her.
It's just the news will crush him, Paul.
And to what end? What good will have been done? He will have been dealt with truthfully by his attorney.
That's the good.
I know all the law school arguments.
Let's talk real world here.
Okay.
Real world? If I learned that an attorney in this firm knowingly told a lie to a client a lie central to the matter the client had retained us to handle I would personally report it to the ethics committee of the state bar regardless of whatever respect or affection I might feel for the attorney in question.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I was just leaving.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
I know I could'vejust faxed this over but I wanted to massage some of the language with you.
You're gonna be a better judge on whether the arguments here are too inflammatory - Richard - which is the obvious pitfall - filing appellate papers against your ex-wife - Richard, listen.
I'll just shut up and let you read it.
I'm sorry.
Look, there's something I need to tell you and I don't know how to begin.
You said my client was here.
Mark Shrum? He was here.
Mr.
Crane came out to get him.
Denny got him? I don't understand how Marcy could do this.
She feels deeply ashamed.
But the priority now has to be finding you a suitable donor.
But how could Marcy destroy the cord blood? It wasn't intentional.
She was having it transferred last week from one lab to another.
I guess she wanted to hide it from you.
There was a shipping glitch.
It went 36 hours without being refrigerated.
She's devastated.
I talked to Denny Crane.
He's a trustee of Boston General.
He's having their chief of oncology call you tomorrow.
Thank you.
That's very kind.
They'll find you a match.
I know they will.
You're gonna get through this.
Let's hope.
And at other times, often obnoxious this refusal of Mayor Snyder to agree to debate his challenger Of course, there was onejoint campaign appearance the candidates sharing the same stage at one point several weeks ago when the Snyder camp called a debate - It feels good, doesn't it? - What feels good? Having sex with a candidate.
If he wins I bet the orgasms are even better if he wins.
I'm jealous.
And we're ready to make a call in the race for mayor of Boston.
Okay, everybody, this is it! Based on exit polling, we are now projecting that Mayor Thomas Snyder has lost his bid to win reelection.
Let's go.
He'll want you downstairs in the ballroom basking in the adulation.
- Part of the deal.
- New deal.
This is where I get off.
You coming? But one thing we do know tonight.
The Thomas Snyder era is coming to an end and Boston's new mayor will beJack Fleming.
Stan Forrester is standing by at the Fleming victory party at the Hyatt where a very happy crowd is waiting for the mayor-elect and his wife to make their way down to the ballroom.
Can you hear me, Stan? Denny, I'm worried about you.
You're speaking French to the messengers.
You got crossword puzzles spread out all over the conference table.
You walk into reception, hijack one of Sally Heep's clients actually have a meeting with him in your office.
Did you even know what his case was about? I took that test the other day.
The one where they ask you a bunch of questions to see if you've turned into an imbecile.
Then they do a scan of your brain.
You know what they found out? That I have a lot of blue and yellow and red stuff colliding up there.
The damn M.
R.
I.
Photo looks like a hurricane.
I don't remember what was the good color and what was the bad color.
But the point is this.
They discovered that I remember some things and I forget others.
And that's the way it's gonna be.
You wanna know what that man's case is all about? He stuck a fork in a toaster.
It's a little pissant lawsuit.
- But I remember what you said the other day.
- What was that? Seriously, Paul, you have to have that test.
You said that we weren't filing enough class action suits.
That we were missing out on a gold shower.
L-I believe I said a money shower.
I heard the fact pattern of the Sally Heep case.
I was able to persuade Mr.
Shrum that there was a greater good to be achieved.
And, long story short, happily the toaster company was open to my argument.
What argument? That an attorney like Denny Crane with extensive class action experience could easily turn Mr.
Shrum's case into a lucrative opportunity.
On the other hand, if they were to give Denny Crane their ongoing legal business augmenting the fine work done by the in-house counsel then Denny Crane would be unavailable to represent Mr.
Shrum who incidentally is going to receive $50,000 from the company as a goodwill gesture.
So don't you worry too much, Paul about Denny Crane.
And I also want to say to my wife Samantha who unfortunately could not be here tonight She's a little under the weather.
Samantha, I love you and I wish you could be right up here beside me right now.
That's right.
Sure we do.
Okay.
Thank you all.
God bless you, Boston.
You did the right thing.
Yes, I did.
I lied to him.
Lori.
You realize you have exposed this firm to a potentially enormous liability award and imposed on me certain excruciating ethical obligations? You'll do the right thing too.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
We should've done this much sooner.
Let's do it again.