Boyster (2014) s01e06 Episode Script

1 This is a story of an extraordinary oyster.
Born from a toxic spill, he was adopted by humans with his shell brother.
And now, he must hide his secret oyster powers.
[theme music plays.]
[electricity zaps.]
[Boyster.]
Boyster! And we're back on King of the Castle with me, Vern Sparkle.
Time to spin the Wheel of Stupidly Hard Questions.
[grunting.]
[Rafik.]
Uh, big nose! Ooh! Uh, uh, duck! Yeah, uh, palm tree.
Ooh, ooh! Do the Taj Mahal! What percentage of wild mushrooms can be eaten by humans? Three percent.
[chiming.]
Three percent.
[bell dings.]
[audience applause.]
Wow! You're good at this, Shelby.
I thought everybody knew that.
[Vern.]
What mushroom is also know as [mimics chicken cluck.]
chicken of the woods? The sulfur mushroom.
[alert chimes.]
[woman.]
The sulfur mushroom.
[bell dings.]
You should be on this show.
You'd win hands down, - if you had hands.
- What do you get if you win? A grand prize indeed, one is crowned king of a real castle.
[both.]
A real castle?! [horns sounding.]
[video game sounds.]
[snaps fingers.]
[horse whinnies.]
[elephant trumpets.]
[snaps fingers.]
[dragon roars.]
[singing, indistinct.]
[evil laughter.]
All hail our three kings, Let's give them lovely things That settles it.
You have to go on that show for all of us! Please, Shelby, please? While I have unquestionably absorbed a great deal of general knowledge from hours of watching television, there is one teeny, tiny problem with me being on that show.
I'm a giant talking shell! [grunts.]
I have a genius idea! - We almost there? - Yep.
The studio's just down uh.
- there.
- Look at all those aspiring contestants.
- We'll never get on.
- Oh, yes, we will.
I think I have a way to shorten that line.
[whistle blowing.]
Oh! If I'd known this was part of the plan, I wouldn't have eaten all those quesadillas.
[panting.]
[screaming.]
Maybe try your luck on Are You Smarter Than a Ski Boot? [bird screeches.]
And we're back, with me, Vern Sparkle! Who wants to be king of the cas Oh.
- I guess it's you, Mr - This is my Uncle Shelby.
He's a stunt jet pilot and a deep sea diver.
His hobbies include lion taming, cheese making - and one day he hopes to go to the moon.
- Eww! Outer space would be a good place for you.
But first, you've got a game to play.
[groaning.]
[fan blowing.]
[inhales, grunts.]
[exhales.]
Now we just have to win and we'll be living like kings.
[knock on door.]
And I'm back, Vern Sparkle.
[nasally.]
Time to go, Uncle Shelby.
Go get 'em, champ.
[music, audience applause.]
[buzzer sounds.]
Hello, I'm Vern Sparkle.
Don't touch the hair.
Welcome to King of the Castle! We're here with our returning champion, 987 time winner, - Mary Bighead.
- Ooh! - Still enjoying the royal life, Mary? - Oh yes.
The banquets are delicious and my husband and I find the jester hilarious.
[grunting.]
Ah! [both laughing.]
Oh! Hoping to take over your reign is today's challenger, Uncle Shelby.
[applause.]
Fingers on buzzers.
Up a bit.
A bit more.
There ya go.
Question one: what bird can suck up a liquid? - [chiming.]
The pigeon.
- Huh? [bell dings.]
[applause.]
Hmm? [thunder crashes.]
[chiming.]
The Merry Wives of Windsor.
[chiming.]
3.
1415927.
[chiming.]
Five times higher than the Moon.
[chiming.]
ding-a-da-ding di-dong.
[chiming.]
37 1/2 gallons of - The Silba culture.
- H-C-1-1-M.
[overlapping answers.]
[bell dings.]
[applause.]
What a contest! What a challenger! Could this be reign over for King Mary? Come back after the break to see who'll be King of the Castle! [buzzer sounds.]
[screaming.]
Hmm.
[slurps.]
Keep this up and you can't lose! Ha ha! Castle, here we come.
[knock on door.]
Huh? Fan mail? Already? I guess it's no surprise.
I would've been even more impressive if my body had buzzed a little faster.
Hey, it's hard to focus with a squashed head.
It's from Mary Bighead.
"You're good.
I give up.
Come to my dressing room and I'll give you the keys to the castle.
" [Shelby.]
Hmm.
Something smells fishy here.
Sounds to me like Mary doesn't wanna be shown up on live TV.
[muffled.]
Come on, Shelby.
We're gonna be kings.
[Shelby.]
Well, if you're sure.
His Highness Rafik [groans, thuds.]
[knock on door.]
Well played, Uncle Shelby.
Well played.
Thank you, Mary.
It takes a big head to know when you've been beaten.
I mean, big man no, woman.
[awkward chuckle.]
- So, how 'bout those keys? - I've changed my mind.
Rather than keys, I'm gonna give you locks! [gasps.]
[metal clinking.]
I don't believe you've had the pleasure of meeting - my husband, Iva.
- You'll never get away with Hang on, Iva Bighead, seriously? - It's a family name.
- For months we've been living like kings.
We've gotten quite used to it and we don't plan on moving out ever! - You're bound to lose one day.
- Well, I doubt it.
We got a plan so fiendishly clever you'll never guess it in a million years! Umm, are you looking up the answers online and then feeding them to Mary through a tiny radio receiver hidden in her ear? Huh! Oh, he's good.
- No wonder he's winning.
- Well, he ain't gonna be winning anything locked in a cupboard.
[grunts.]
[yelling.]
[chuckles.]
[both laugh.]
Shelby, why didn't you stop her? Me? I'm just a shell.
What were you doing? Huh? Uh [knock on door.]
[grunting.]
And, we're back! This is me, Vern Sparkle, inviting Uncle Shelby back on set.
[Rafik.]
Uh, hang on a minute.
[Vern.]
No can do, Shelbs.
Unless you return to the set right now, - they'll be no castle for you.
- But I, uh [high pitched voice.]
Be right with you.
[rustling.]
You OK in there, Uncle Shelby? - Huh? - Let's do this.
I mean [high pitched voice.]
Let's perambulate the antithesis.
[coughing.]
Wonderful.
Not only am I going to lose the competition, but thanks to your unfortunate aroma, I'm going to lose consciousness as well.
This is me, Vern Sparkle, saying back on the air in five seconds.
Huh? [gasps.]
[buzzer sounds.]
[audience applause.]
And we're back, with me, Vern Sparkle! Time to spin the Wheel of Stupidly Hard Questions.
And the subject is - oysters.
- Ha! Oh [coughing.]
Oysters are especially rich in what mineral? What? Who knows that? Let me see.
Zinc! [chiming.]
Zinc.
[bell dings.]
Oh, come on.
That was so easy.
I'm getting us outta here.
[Vern.]
Along with scallops and mussels, oysters are part of what biological group? [Rafik.]
Seriously? [grunting.]
[Iva.]
Bivalves.
[chiming.]
[Mary.]
Bivalves.
[bell dings.]
[audience applause.]
Yes! Uncle Shelby, to stay in the game Can we take a short break? I suffer from, um a medical condition where I shout my own name very loudly.
Shelby! Shelby! Shelby! [chuckles.]
[locker opens.]
[grunts.]
Look at my big head, Bighead.
[shrieks, groans.]
We have to get out there.
He's losing.
Worse yet, he's making me look like an ignoramous.
There's no time.
Maybe I can buy us some time.
When an oyster holds it's breath, it turns what color? Sky blue pink with yellow polka dots.
[chiming.]
Sky blue pink with yellow polka dots.
[buzzer sounds.]
Huh? Incorrect! Looks like you've got a chance to tie the game, Uncle Shelby.
- Ahh.
- Looking for the color an oyster turns when it holds it's breath.
[inhales.]
[grunting.]
[chiming.]
Uh, sort of a, greeny-brown.
[bell dings.]
[applause.]
It's all down to this final tie breaker.
What is an oysters favorite food? Hah! [chiming.]
Ooh! Corn on the cob! [buzzer sounds.]
[audience groans.]
I'm sorry, that's incorrect.
Over to you, Mary.
This is for the win.
I'm a great big cheat with a wire in my ear.
[chiming.]
I'm a great big cheat with a wire in my ear.
[buzzer sounds.]
[audience gasps.]
No! I didn't mean it! It's true! Look! [feedback.]
Hmm? [audience boos.]
What?! I'm not the only cheat.
That isn't even the real Uncle Shelby.
It can't be.
The real one's chained up in my closet.
[all gasp.]
[audience jeering.]
This is Vern Sparkles saying everybody calm down.
Oh! [jeers continue.]
Time for this king to get off the throne! [rumbling.]
[evil laughter.]
[yelling.]
[screams.]
[gasps.]
[grunting.]
Ugh, I'm gonna feel this in the morning.
[screaming.]
[screaming louder.]
[thuds.]
[grunting, yelling.]
This is me, Vern Sparkle, saying see you next time on King of the Castle.
Ahh! [Shelby sobbing.]
My favorite quiz show, canceled.
I'm sorry, Shelby.
This is my fault.
If I hadn't made you go on the show none of this - woulda happened.
- I accept your apology, Boyster.
Though I'm afraid I'll never feel as passionate about a quiz show again.
[man on TV.]
Now it's time for our brand new quiz show, - Lord of the Manor.
- Oooh! - Lord of a real manor? - Ah! All hail the Lords of the manor as we unfurl our oyster banner! [buzzer sounds.]
Don't even think about it! [beeps.]
[wind howling.]
[crow cawing.]
Huh? [all laughing.]
Guys? Hello? Guys? [gasps.]
They're hypnotized! [laughing continues.]
Rafik! Not you too! Uhh.
[grunting.]
[gurgling, coughs.]
- What are you doing?! - Helping you.
Someone put the whole school in a trance.
We're not in a trance.
We're watching Cat Dog Rocket Duck.
Check it.
It's hilarious.
Cat.
Cat.
Cat.
[music.]
Dog.
Dog.
Dog.
Rocket.
Rocket.
Rocket.
Duck.
Duck.
Duck.
[chuckles.]
- It's had like 180 billion views so far.
- Why? I don't get it.
You don't get it? - Uh - Of course he gets it.
Figures a loser like you wouldn't "LOL" at comedy.
I LOL, out loud.
I just don't see what's funny about this.
Oh, so you know what's funny? OK.
Make us laugh, funny man.
Uh, hm.
OK, here's one.
Why did the mudskipper cross the road? Because he could! [laughs.]
See? The mudskipper can actually use it's pectoral fins to walk short distances across dry la Ahh! Fail! [all laughing.]
[bell rings.]
Hey, Boyster.
What class are you going to, History of Unfunny Jokes? [laughter.]
- Ssss.
Ouch.
- But Shelby loved that joke.
He's your twin fish bro, of course he did.
[gasps.]
You think people don't get my sense of humor 'cause of my, you know, background? Hey, don't worry about it.
I'll bet other human-oyster hybrids find you hilarious.
Oh, wait.
There aren't any.
Rafik! This is bad.
If no one gets me they won't wanna hang out with me.
I'll be friendless.
Ah, come on.
A lot of humorless people still have friends.
Well, no, maybe they don't.
[sobbing.]
OK, take it easy.
This is fixable.
Even someone as unfunny as you can be trained.
You just need some time with the master! [gasps.]
[Rafik.]
This gag is an oldie, but a goodie.
All you gotta do is get everybody's attention then, wham! Hit yourself in the face with this beauty.
The laugh quake is gonna be so huge they'll have to rebuild the school.
Trust me.
Rafik knows funny.
Now, go ahead and make 'em laugh! [grunts.]
[grunting.]
[clank.]
Ow! Ah.
[all grumbling.]
It wasn't me.
He did it.
- It was Boyster.
- Huh? [all yelling.]
[Rafik.]
OK, so the pie face thing was a blow up, but this gag is sure to kill.
- Skateboard wipeouts are always LOL.
- Out loud.
- LOL is out loud.
- I knew that.
So, here's the play, you head down the hill hit the trip wire and then giggle McLaughstations.
- What's that? - Come on, stay on task.
And, action! [grunts.]
[groaning.]
[marching band playing.]
[all grunting.]
[yelling.]
- Was it funny? - Opinions differ.
[all yelling.]
[man on TV.]
My love, I have waited by your bedside for five years, and at last you have come out of your coma.
It was all worth it.
[hitch pitched feedback.]
- Do I know you? - [man.]
Noooo! [sobbing.]
See? I don't even get that.
- Why is it funny? - Boyster, it's a drama.
- It's not supposed to be funny.
- Hmm? Ahh! I can't even tell anymore.
Your mental state seems quite addled.
Would you care to explain? I don't get people's jokes and people don't get my jokes.
- I'm never gonna fit in.
- Mmm.
I see.
So you suspect your bivalvian hybridization may be dampening your drollery? You're half oyster so your jokes are bombing.
Yes! Rafik tried to teach me to be funny but it was a disaster.
Well, of course.
His taste is a bit sophomoric, after all.
Maybe I'm just not meant to be around other kids.
Maybe I should just let you home school me.
Nonsense.
You just need to consult a comedy expert.
- But I don't know any.
- Or do you? Huh? A certain bivalve known for his sparkling wit.
- Uh.
I know you don't mean you so I wonder - Yes, I mean me! I've watched every funny film and TV show ever made I can tutor you on comic modalities.
[moos.]
[flatulence sound.]
I suggest an eight week course of seminars and informal workshops.
I have to go back to school.
You've got ten minutes.
All righty then.
Cat.
Cat.
[music.]
Dog.
Dog.
[laughter.]
- Rocket.
Rocket.
- Silence! I shall be teaching art class today.
Your regular teacher, Ms.
Rubiet seems to have painted herself into a corner.
Hmm? [snickering.]
Cat.
Cat.
[laughing.]
Distracting tomfoolery! I won't tolerate it here! If I catch anyone laughing it'll mean two weeks detention.
To be followed by another two weeks detention.
Do you understand me?! Not a peep out of any of you! Beware, I have urgent business to handle in my office but this Laugh-o-Meter will keep me informed of any illicit laughter.
[music.]
[grunts.]
[chuckles.]
[gasps.]
[muffled snickering.]
[grunting.]
[giggling.]
Ow! [muffled snickering.]
[chuckles.]
[hitch pitched feedback.]
[whining.]
[Mr.
Pluss.]
What's going on here? [gasps.]
Some sort of jackanapery no doubt.
But as I didn't hear any laughter I can only assume it was of no consequence.
[whines.]
Oh, and, Boyster, perhaps you're unaware of the school rule forbidding false mustaches.
That'll be two weeks detention! Boyster, your motherless expression indicates you did not have comedic success.
- I laid an egg.
- I don't understand.
We approached this in a rigorously scientific manner.
Never understand what the kids at school find funny.
- Maybe I should just leave the country.
- You can't give up yet, chum.
Rational analysis always provides the answer.
We know your classmates find infinite amusement in that Cat Dog Rocket Duck video, - ergo, the extreme - Wait a minute, the video! - That's it! - Boyster, I've just begun my analysis.
Sorry, Shelby, I've just finished mine.
Let's see.
Contacts.
Select all.
- Subject: Do you like comedy? - Hmm? [chatter.]
Great idea! Ripping off that video to make people think you're funny.
Wow.
Why didn't I think of that? [purring.]
It's not ripping off.
I'm taking it to a new level.
Hmm? [electricity zaps.]
OK.
Hit it.
[beeping.]
[slow techno music playing.]
And curtain! Cat.
Dog.
Cat.
Dog.
Cat.
Dog.
Cat.
[screeching.]
[barking.]
Wait, wait! Come on! [screeching and barking continues.]
This isn't what we rehearsed.
Wait! No! Come back here! [crashing.]
[screeching.]
[groans.]
[laughter.]
- Hardcore! - [whimpering.]
Huh? [barking.]
[grunting.]
[screeching.]
[crashing.]
[kids screaming.]
[whimpers.]
- Rafik! - Don't worry, Boyster.
I got Quackers! [quacking.]
I don't got Quackers.
[quacks.]
[rocket whistling.]
Ah! [grunts.]
[screaming.]
Ah! Incoming! [all.]
Whoa! Waah! [grunting.]
[screeching and barking.]
[screeching and barking approaching.]
Hmm? [screeching and barking.]
[grunting.]
[rocket whistling.]
[gasps.]
[whimpering.]
[grunting.]
[rocket whistling.]
[explosion.]
[screaming.]
[grunts.]
[grumbles.]
- What's this? - Your lifetime membership card to detention.
You've earned it.
[sighs.]
Well, you did take it to a new level.
It's all over, Rafik.
It's back to the sea for me.
- Uh, Boyster - Starfish and plankton may not have much to say but at least they don't go around judging you.
- Boyster.
- [Boyster.]
If I get lonely maybe I can teach some lobsters to play ninja nouns with me.
Sure the ocean smells kind of fishy, but it can't be any worse than Ozzy's breath.
Boyster! Your microphone is on.
You think anyone heard? [loud chatter.]
Ha ha.
Boyster, that was brilliant.
Starfish and plankton? How'd you come up with that stuff? Hilarious sketch, bro.
Way funnier than that lame Cat Dog Rocket Duck video.
[all agreeing.]
But wait, I thought you all loved the video.
[all.]
Umm - What? - Well, I was kind of just laughing at it - 'cause everyone else was.
- You were? - I thought it was just me.
- Same here.
So, no one actually thought it was funny? I think Rafik did.
[laughing.]
Duck! And his name is Quackers.
[laughing.]
Quack, quack.