Brews Brothers (2020) s01e06 Episode Script

Come on, come on! Yes, yes!
- Oh, come on!
- Whoo! Boom shakalaka!
That's another perfect strike
from Team Wilhelm
and a loss for Team A-dam!
- Okay, all right. You're cheating.
- What? How am I cheating? I'm winning.
No, that's how I know you're cheating.
- [Wilhelm] Who's that guy?
- [Adam] I don't know.
Hey, why you think that the only people
who shop at Carnal are celebrities?
Because they're an exclusive sex shop,
and that's who they cater to.
Oh, no, wait.
That's that's Jeremy Marshall.
That is a celebrity.
[Wilhelm]
What? The brewmaster of Lagunitas?
Oh, no, you're right.
Actually, Jeremy's hair's longer.
No, I'm talking about, like,
a real celebrity, like a
Patrick Broderick.
Stop naming brewmasters.
- Let's just go ask him.
- Ask him?
- [Wilhelm] Mm-hm.
- What, like talk to a person?
I hate talking to people.
Although I'd talk to him
if he was Scott Ungermann
from Anchor Steam.
- That's another brewmaster.
- Hey, sorry, can we help you?
Oh, thank you very much, kind gentlemen,
but please be very careful.
These are priceless.
What are we carrying?
Boxes
of dildos.
- John Travolta.
- No.
He's not a celebrity.
He is a normal dildo salesman.
Is that a job?
Not a job. A passion.
I consider myself an artist.
Lazlo Suna, the Picasso of dildos.
I admire your passion.
- I'm also an artist.
- Ah!
Adam Rodman, brewmaster.
You make beer.
I craft beer.
- We craft beer together.
- It's 90-10.
You know, I think of Picasso as being
the Adam Rodman of painting.
[both laughing]
- [all laughing]
- [Wilhelm] Ah.
- You're not in this.
- He doesn't understand.
[theme music playing]
[bottle pops open]
This time when [gasps]
- [Lazlo] Ladies.
- Lazlo!
- Lazlo, we missed you!
- [kisses]
Oh, I'm so excited
to show you my newest designs
based on the red clay towers of Râpa Roşie
in my native Romania.
- [sighs]
- I want to go there so badly.
Oh, you go there every time you use one
of his elegant pieces.
- [woman] So true.
- [Adam] Mm.
We'll take this to the back for you.
Oh! No, we'll take it from here.
And please,
remove yourself from these premises.
"Premises."
Lazlo, you have an open invitation
to visit the brewery whenever you'd like
to sip some of my art.
- I am honored.
- [Adam chuckles]
And you have an open invitation
- to sample my art.
- [woman gasps] No!
- Oh, my God.
- But be careful.
If it touches your heart,
you've gone too far.
[laughs] That's amazing.
Thank you so much.
- Will, please cradle this.
- Will do.
Lazlo, dear, don't waste your time.
Their little beer factory is a menace
to the neighborhood.
- [Adam] Oh, my God.
- This way.
Halle Berry.
- How do you think that's Halle Berry?
- That was her!
You two need to go, now.
- Possibly Laura Ulrich.
- [Wilhelm] Stop naming brewmasters!
Move on!
[grunting]
Look, even for people who drink too much,
this is too much.
Come on, guys. It's a bar, not a gym.
We're trying to work off this beer weight.
[grunts] Can we get another round?
What?
Interval training.
Ten reps, pale ale. Fifteen reps, stout.
- Oh, shit. This again?
- Yeah, this again.
I will not rest until East Belgium
gets its independence from Belgium.
[sighs] I can't work out to this.
Did you guys not learn anything
from the East Belgian C-SPAN videos
I sent you?
No. I turned it off when I realized
it wasn't East Belgian porn.
Look, indifference is what is preventing
German-speaking Belgians
from getting their independence.
I bet you guys didn't even vote.
In Belgium?
Pfft. No.
I just found out Belgium is a country.
I thought you were talking about
Bell's Gym in Panorama City.
You know that low-rent gym
with the brunch buffet,
kind of looks like a strip club?
The ladies always walking by.
- Oh, shit. That's a strip club.
- What? [mutters]
Look, the East Belgians
are a wonderful people
who want their independence
so they can enjoy their fries
with mayonnaise,
and a wonderful sport
that involves making a grid on a field
and then placing bets on where a cow
will take its first shit.
Oh, I'll only play that game
if I get to be the cow.
[chuckles] You guys will never guess
where I took a shit.
- What?
- Hey. You must be the owner.
Uh, yes.
Wilhelm Rodman of Rodman's Brewery.
Sabrina Clubock.
I attended the beer contest
where you guys won.
Very impressive.
Thank you very much.
I like to say that it put us
and Van Nuys on the map.
[laughs] Actually,
there is a map of breweries in the Valley,
and you are not on it.
But I am hoping to change that.
Your beers are great,
and there is a high demand
for Belgians right now.
Yes, and I'm very flattered,
but we actually already have
a distributor.
Cole Harris? Great guy.
Despite the DUIs, you know.
And he only reps the Valley.
I'm everywhere.
So, if you're ready to play
with the big boys and ramp up production,
you know, let me know.
Here's my proposal.
Oh.
It's a small order to start with,
but I'm hoping to change that quickly.
- Sure.
- Unless you wanna stick with Cole.
[laughs] Just don't
do not drive with him.
[stammers] Yeah, no, that's a
- This is a small order, you said?
- [laughs] We will be in touch.
Yeah.
Call me.
Boys, this is huge!
Who wants to keep talking about
East Belgian politics?
[sings in German]
If I make a donation,
will you please stop singing?
[continues singing]
- [laughs]
- [Chuy] Fuck East Belgium.
You wanna go to Bell's Gym Strip Club?
- Hell yeah!
- Yeah!
[Wilhelm] These labels turned out great.
Hey, um
I think I'm coming down with something.
You guys mind if I head out?
- Yeah, get outta here, buddy.
- Sorry, Chuy.
The bar is busier than ever.
We need all hands on deck.
Last time
you were "coming down with something,"
you went to a beach party.
Yeah, but I came back.
To nap in the lauter tun.
[sneezes]
[sniffles]
It's on you.
- It's fine.
- Okay.
You like that one? That's my favorite.
- Us as kids? No, I genuinely hate this.
- Mm-hm.
It's not a kindergarten collage
of your family.
This is a beer label, all right?
It's the first time the customer interacts
with our beer.
This
Oh, come on, that's my only copy.
swish.
- [Wilhelm] What do we put on the label?
- [Adam] You're gonna love this idea.
No label. Isn't that fucking brilliant?
No, it's fucking insane.
How will people know it's our beer?
Mybeer speaks for itself.
Then why do you never shut up?
We have a dog. People love dogs.
The label should be Friar Lucas drinking
from his beer bowl.
[coughs, whimpers]
Mm, derivative. I hate it.
My idea is way better.
No, no. The Friar's perfect.
That's a great idea.
- Why didn't I come up with that?
- Ooh, ooh. I know. Maybe it's because
you didn't get into college.
Graduated Oregon State with honors. Was
Don't ruin this for me, okay?
I just frickin' got into UCLA.
Can you believe it?
No. I'm genuinely surprised and impressed.
I had no idea that you could read.
I didn't even know you were applying.
Well, I did,
and I never thought I'd get in.
I mean, my grades sucked.
But you know what?
I guess they just really love my story.
Girl pursues dream of MMA fighting,
even though her parents disown her,
and then she tragically gets injured
and has to begin her adulthood alone.
You put that on your application?
That sounds like a story you tell a court
to get your sentence reduced.
Okay, you know what? You're just jealous
I got into a better school than you did.
[sneers]
You wanna grab lunch and celebrate?
I'm buying.
Might as well get that college debt going.
Oh, my God, I love saying that.
- Mm-hmm.
- Where's the food truck?
Ah, Becky, Elvis, and Truffle drove off
to Las Vegas.
- [Sarah] Oh, right.
- [sighs]
Now that Truffle has been defrocked,
he has a lot of defrocking Becky to do.
- Ooh!
- Ooh, baby. Ha ha!
That's why I'm wearing
this mushroom shirt,
to remind you of Truffle.
A truffle is not a mushroom.
But a Truffle is mushroom-deep in Becky.
Oh, baby! [laughs]
I'm actually not even bothered by it,
okay?
The Becky-Elvis-Adam throuple experiment
is officially over.
In fact let's get in there.
- What are you doing?
- Not what you think.
- [Sarah] Oh, my God!
- And [grunts]
- [Wilhelm] What is what?
- My guiche.
We got three of them together,
all of us matching.
Oh, God, why does it smell?
It's a piercing of the perineum.
The ass-balls superhighway
known as the "taint."
- Oh!
- Oh, my God!
- Get it off the table!
- Why? [exclaims]
[Chuy clears throat, groans]
[coughs]
- [glasses shatter]
- [woman] Oh, my God!
[customers clamor]
Right, so maybe he is coming down
with something.
[bell rings]
Sarah says they're still waiting
for a doctor.
I hope Chuy's okay.
Should I have gone with them?
No. That's why you hire help.
We have much more important things
to focus on, okay?
Excuse me, hi.
Could I get another, uh, iced tea, please?
And remember, a twist, not a wedge.
- Okay.
- I apologize on his behalf.
I am not sorry.
I can't believe Sarah's going to college.
I'm gonna miss her.
Sarah? Why?
Look, I-I kinda feel responsible
for her leaving.
I may or may not have turned her down
the night after the beer contest.
[laughing]
Yeah.
You're serious?
[stammers]
Why am I talking to you about this?
You are the man who was recently rejected
by Becky
so that she could go have sex
with a monk!
Oh, God!
- This burger
- Is it?
It's a good burger? Oh, yeah.
It's not good, it's exquisite.
In fact, I give it four Adams.
I'm sorry, you're so conceited
that your rating system is just your name?
I have great taste.
Everything can be measured in Adams.
For instance, this conversation: one Adam.
How many Adams are you?
Five. It's a perfect score.
And I regret to inform you
that the Belgian quad
we're about to bottle
is only three and a half Adams.
It costs us a half-Adam
when you work on something.
Who said bottles? We're not bottling.
They're going in cans.
My beer does not belong in a can, okay?
It belongs in a golden chalice.
I'm willing to settle for a bottle.
No, they're way too expensive.
A can kills the taste, okay?
Besides, how are you gonna handle
the second fermentation?
The can could explode.
All right, you're right. Quads don't work.
Yeah, in a can, quads don't work.
They're bad, they're shitty,
they're useless. Quads don't work.
Quads don't work.
Pieces of shit. You think you're better
than me because I'm disabled?
- No.
- I'll have you know that I'm a paraplegic,
so you're idiots and assholes.
No, sir, I don't
- Don't stand.
- Okay. That's probably right.
[stammers] Sir,
we're not talking about legs,
we're talking about beers.
Yeah. A quad is a type of Belgian beer.
It's a quad, short for "quadrupel."
But everyone just says "quad."
"I'll have a quad."
"One quad on the house."
- Stop saying "quad."
- It's a quad!
Never heard of it.
- Anybody heard of a beer called a quad?
- [man] No.
Okay, I wouldn't expect you guys
to have heard of it.
Okay, I'm sure you're all perfectly happy
drinking your American turd-water beer.
Okay, I think you guys need to go now.
And don't come back.
You heard her.
Walk on out of here, assholes.
I will have you know
that this is gonna cost you two Adams.
What the fuck is an Adam?
And trust me,
you don't want to get a Wilhelm.
- [mumbles] Let's go.
- Okay, very sorry about him.
You have a very negative energy.
People pick up on it.
I'm so sorry. Are you okay, sir?
Oh, ho ho! He is here! He is back!
Chuy, how you doing, buddy?
[Chuy] Oh, so good.
It's no biggie.
Doctor says I just pass out when I cough.
It's called cough syncope.
It's when you immediately
lose consciousness
after a violent cough
due to decreased blood flow
in the brain, limiting oxygen supply.
Wow. You get into a good school,
and suddenly, you know everything.
Salutations, fellow artists.
Salutations, Lazlo Suna.
[laughing]
Is that the dildo guy?
Yep, and he's just as full of himself
as Adam.
You know, you seem like the kind of guy
who would love a doppelbock.
Why don't you
And you seem like the type of man
who could handle one of these.
Wow. I am touched by this. And I think
I'll let Will break it in, though.
You are a good brother,
but I don't think he could handle this.
It would break him mentally.
Why am I sad you don't think
I can handle that?
Okay, now, I'm pro-dildo,
but that thing scares me.
Does it have eyes? Is it looking at me?
Oh. Masterful.
We are kindred spirits.
I feel the same way.
You know, most dildo artists,
they play it safe.
They create
the same plastic garbage every day.
Straight, maybe a few bumps.
I take my inspiration
from the world around me.
For example:
you flip this chair over,
four dildos, right there.
- [Adam] Ha!
- Okay. That handle, it could be a dildo.
The glass over there, turn it over,
shave it, could be a dildo.
- His head could be a dildo.
- Uh-huh.
- No.
- I go into a cave. Stalactites are dildos.
- Stalagmites, they are dildos.
- [laughing]
You see a bear. How could it be a dildo?
Its internal organs can be cut out,
stuffed, and made into dildos.
- Yes.
- Everywhere.
Dildo, dildo, dildo, dildo, dildo, dildo.
Look under there. Dildo.
That lamp, dildo.
No. Never a lamp.
- What?
- That is dangerous.
- Come on.
- Thought we were just playing around.
Right now, I'm working on
solar-powered vibrator.
Hmm, saving the planet,
one sex toy at a time.
I'm inserting locally, thinking globally.
- [laughs, sighs]
- Mmm! It's so good.
I must try another one.
- I know you have other flavors.
- [Adam] Yeah.
You know,
I never realized the similarities
between our two industries.
Like, they're both full to the brim
with just unimaginative hacks,
but there are a few holdouts like us,
who are unwilling to compromise the art.
- Yes!
- For example,
Will wants our beer to be served in cans.
Cans!
I mean, cans make the beer taste cheap
and metallic.
- Chuy, you agree with me, right?
- Oh, yeah.
The only cans I like
are shaped like bottles.
This guy is smart.
He probably knows a good dildo
when he feels one.
Oh, I'm sure he does. Okay, it's settled.
We all agree. All beer belongs in bottles.
No, no, hold up.
We're not letting Chuy
and Leonardo DaVibrator
decide the biggest decision
in the history of the brewery.
Plus, Sarah's with me on cans.
[whines] Listen, I want to,
but I kind of agree with Salvador Dildo.
Cans are cheaper,
but bottles have more prestige.
And with our high-quality beer,
it's kind of a no-brainer.
Concession speech?
All right, bottles it is. Fine.
Andy War-balls! [laughs]
[Adam] A canning machine?
- No, what happened to bottles?
- Yeah, no, way too expensive.
I ran the numbers. It wasn't even close.
It would have to cut
into our profit margin.
- Wait, did I say that right?
- Uh-huh.
Yeah, I said that right.
The distributor wants us
to make our Belgium blonde first,
and that can be in a can anyway,
so who cares?
Fine.
Then I want my name taken off the can.
Your name was never on the can.
- Don't put a thank you to me on the back.
- Yeah, that wasn't happening, either.
Then I want you to take down the plaque
commemorating my beer brewing brilliance.
I'll take the plaque down.
What we need to focus on is figuring out
a way to fill this order in time.
We should shut down the brew pub
for a few days and focus on canning.
No, Will. We'll lose too much money.
We'll figure it out.
We just need
a little extra manpower, okay?
Maybe you guys can, I don't know,
ask some of your friends to volunteer.
Uh
Y-yeah, uh
Okay. This could be a problem.
I can have my soccer buds help out.
Once again, problem solved.
And you want to know why?
This is why. College, baby.
You framed your UCLA admissions letter?
Yeah. Don't judge me.
Adam puts his stuff up all the time.
No, I like this.
We should all put stuff up.
Will, you could put up your certificate
from the Rotterdam Free Clinic.
Let people know you are 97% free
of gonorrhea.
- So you still have 3%?
- Oh, yeah. That doesn't go away.
It's like going to war.
It's always with you.
Hi, there. Uh, we are picking up
a large can order for Rodman's Brewery.
Rodman's. Oh, is that the place
where the monk fight happened?
My cousin had a blast.
- He lost a tooth there.
- I lost a tooth, too.
- [woman] Wow.
- I think we got that tooth.
- [Wilhelm] What?
- Yeah, it's in lost and found.
[chuckles]
We don't keep teeth in the lost and found.
Yeah, we do. Do you have the same teeth
as your cousin?
Maybe? Let me see. Open it up.
- Ahh.
- [Chuy] There you go.
- We're not doing that. What?
- Oh, her incisors are impacted.
I'm gonna go get my supervisor,
and you guys can fill this out.
- Thank you so much.
- Yeah.
[clears throat]
- You okay?
- I'm fine.
- I just forgot my cough medicine, but
- Okay.
- I'm gonna be [coughs]
- [thuds]
Shit, Chuy, Chuy, Chuy. Hello!
Okay.
But not now. Anytime but now.
[grunts] No, no. Oh, God, you're dense.
Okay, just gonna tuck you over there.
[grunts]
Ugh, this chair needs a parking brake.
Hello.
What do you know? It's the quad guy.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Look, I am so sorry about earlier.
My brother is very good
at offending everyone,
but you got to believe me.
Quadrupel beers are a real thing.
I wanted to show you this
at the restaurant.
[stammers] These are photos of quad beers.
Quadrupel beers in bottles.
It is a disgusting name. Yes, I get it.
But as soon as I'm back,
I will petition the Brewers Association
and make them change it
to anything other than "quad."
Okay. [chuckles]
- We're good.
- We're good? Yes.
Thank you so much, sir.
That that really means a lot.
Let's get you those cans.
Yes, yes. Let's get those cans.
- So I think I filled everything out.
- [Chuy moaning]
And I would never do anything
to offend someone in your position.
Is this your friend making fun of me?
No, no, no! He has cough syncope.
It's a d-disability.
You think it's the funniest thing,
don't you?
- No!
- Get out of here!
No, sir, please. I need those cans!
If I don't have them,
it'll cripple my business!
Keep digging, buddy.
If I can't get these,
I have to use tiny bottles, stubbies.
I hate stubbies.
Fuck you, asshole!
Oh, come on! What?
[snores]
- [indistinct chatter]
- Change of plans.
- We're going with bottles.
- Yes, you're doing it the right way:
my way.
Which means
you've probably come around
to my brilliant idea
of the no-label label.
- No!
- No! Will, what happened?
Well, it's actually a very funny story.
We were blackballed
by the largest can supplier in LA.
- [laughs]
- That's funny, right?
You're just as impossible as your brother.
How? No, this is one can supplier in LA.
He was banished
by the state of Oregon.
Actually, I prefer the pronunciation
bani-shed.
As in, "I have been bani-shed
from the Pacific Northwest."
And also Calgary, Alberta,
but who even knows where that is?
Is that dildo still here?
Because I want to dick-slap you
for saying bani-shed like that.
Okay, look. If we want to fill this order
on time, we need to step it up.
Come on, you guys, okay?
Where are the bottles?
They're coming tomorrow.
And if Chuy's soccer team can help us,
we will get it done in time.
Don't worry. They'll be here.
Don't you guys worry.
[heaves]
What's up? What's up? What's up?
Do you want to play fetch again?
Do you want this?
- Here you go. Oh, go get it.
- [Friar Lucas barks]
- [mechanical whirring]
- [air hissing]
You started without us?
I didn't even know the bottles arrived.
Come on, man!
I was excited. I couldn't wait, okay?
At the last moment, I made an adjustment,
a slight adjustment to the bottles.
Oh, shit.
My God, those are the nicest bottles
I've ever seen.
- How much were they?
- Cheaper. Much cheaper.
Okay, so you're welcome. Problem solved.
Holy crap, Adam, these are incredible.
Don't you feel
a label would corrupt the bottle?
No, that's not happening.
But, seriously, man,
you have truly outdone yourself.
- A toast to our first bottled beer.
- Cheers.
- [shouts]
- [Adam] It's fine. It's fine.
Okay,
so the glass is a little bit brittle.
- You just gotta be careful, okay?
- [wails] Oxy, we can't use these!
So there's a few shards, right?
You just drink around 'em.
[both] What?
It's totally fine. It's like fish bones
when you're eating fish.
If you're gonna let something kill you,
let me do it.
Here we go.
- Oh, my God, don't do it.
- Stop, stop! Adam, don't do it. Adam!
[Sarah gasps]
[both groan]
I-It's fine. It's actually fine, okay?
So it gets four and a half Adams for look,
and, uh, one Adam for function.
How could you do this?
We're never gonna get new bottles in time,
and you're bleeding out.
Hey, guys, look. I can open it
without a bottle opener.
- No!
- Oh!
- Chuy, no, don't drink it.
- Chuy, why would you
- [Sarah] Stop.
- [Wilhelm] Why would you Chuy!
[sighs] Tight.
I called Sabrina the distributor and asked
if we could push back our order,
and she said no.
When you sign a contract,
they're not meant to be broken.
Obviously we should just use my bottles,
okay?
Put a little sticker on there that says
"handle with care," and we're good.
[sobbing]
What's up with Butticelli?
Poor guy. For the first time ever,
they rejected one of his dildos.
No.
And since I've never been rejected before,
I already had them mass produced.
Oh, I am so sorry, Master Lazlo.
How could they do that to you?
I don't know! I had a vision.
A groundbreaking idea:
to put a camera inside a glass dildo.
Genius! It's genius.
It's disgusting, but genius.
But they rejected it.
[sniffles] I had to make the dildo hollow
to put the camera inside,
and they thought it would be too fragile,
and it would break.
Well, it makes sense.
If you break one glass dildo,
that'd be the end of glass dildos.
But my dildos are very strong!
I tested them on my whole family.
My family has such strong butts,
and they didn't break.
Wait.
These dildos are glass, hollow,
strong, and already mass produced?
Yes. Why?
[upbeat rock music playing]
Oh.
The world's first-ever
glass dildo beer bottle.
Oh, wow.
Hey, can you guys stop stroking
each other's shafts and do some work?
We're not gonna finish in time.
Also, where's Chuy?
He said
he was gonna bring some extra manpower.
[blows whistle] Los Tigres are here!
[cheering]
- No!
- You said you were gonna bring
your soccer team buds.
I know. I'm the coach. These are my buds.
This is wrong,
even with normal bottles.
This is genius.
Their little hands will be perfect
for pulling the bottles out
when they get stuck.
What do we do?
[blows whistle] Game on!
[cheering]
[upbeat instrumental music playing]
- [mechanical whirring]
- [air hissing]
Well, we're never gonna unremember
what we just witnessed, but
Presenting Rodman's Brewery's
first bottled beer
the Belgian Blonde Accommodator.
We almost pulled an all-nighter,
but, hey, we got it done.
You're gonna be pulling
a lot of all-nighters in college.
I'm not so sure about that.
What are you doing? Put that back!
Have you read the whole thing,
or are you waiting
- for the picture-book version?
- Yes, of course I read it.
"Congratulations, Sarah Dressel!
We are honored
to offer you admission to UCLA!"
And then keep reading.
"Summer Program for Teens
is an excellent way to experience
college life before leaving high school."
Damn it.
That was fantastic. Can you read it again?
Oh, and do it in an English accent.
England is part of Great Britain.
You would've learned that in college.
Although, presumably sooner. I don't know.
I don't know.
Hey, look. Yes, this sucks
but, selfishly,
I will say I'm kind of glad
it's just a summer program,
because I'd we'd miss you around here.
I'm not going
to a stupid high school program, Will.
You know what you need?
A little Belgian Blonde Accommodator
to lighten up the mood.
No, no, no. I think you should leave that
to someone who can legally drink,
and then you can collect the empty.
And you can keep it.
I'm sure you'll know what to do with it.
Yeah, I'll shove it up your ass.
- Ooh, do it in an English accent.
- Come here, you little shit!
- [British accent] Shove it up me bum!
- [shouting]
Slide it up me fanny!
[Sarah] I'll knock your teeth out,
piece of shit!
I'll keep it there all day!
- [shouting continues]
- [Adam] Shove it up me bum, governor!
- [Sarah shouts]
- [Chuy] This is better than Bell's Gym!
[theme music playing]