Brickleberry s01e06 Episode Script

I'm late! Right on time.
Mmm feel the burn.
Aah! Brickleberry Hey, Malloy, nice jersey.
Looks like you're wearing a purple dress.
Yeah, I'm gonna take fashion critiques from a guy in a clip-on and mom jeans.
These aren't my mom's jeans, she couldn't fit into them anymore, they're mine.
Hey, Malloy's just showing his spirit for the big game today.
I can't wait to watch it with you, little buddy.
Aw, damn it! My cookie.
- Five second rule! - Five - I can't get it! - Four Connie, help! Oh, my God.
That was a close one.
Thank you, Connie.
- No problem.
- Oh, come on, Connie.
Don't be so modest.
You're like a freak of nature.
- Mm.
- Steve! We all know Connie's a lumbering, hulk-like affront to humanity, but it's not nice to say it.
That's why I learned sign language.
I was giving Connie a compliment, Ethel.
God blessed her with unnatural lesbian strength.
Lesbian? Watch your mouth, Steve.
That's a hate word.
I think it's high time I speak to you all about tolerance.
We should be tolerant of everyone, be they straight, be they gay, or the Jesus hates homos church who are having a rally at the Park today.
Jesus hates homos? They're an ignorant cult.
Well, that's intolerant.
How would you feel if they said bad things about you? That's all they do! I know because I used to be a member.
It was 15 years ago.
I was your average, everyday little girl.
I wanted to please my mother so much.
She just ignored me and my hankering for hoo haa untill she couldn't anymore.
My father and the church members made a "gay curing" machine.
They called it "the homo eradicator.
" You like that, sinner? Do you? I'll bet Slater from Saved by the Bell would make you Screech.
Mmm Doesn't Pat Sajak hold your gay back? Mmm And try romancin' Ted Danson.
Mmm.
- You had enough? - No.
I wanna see how it ends.
When it didn't work, my parents disowned me.
They bought a St.
Bernard, named it Connie, and photo shopped me out of all the family pictures.
I never spoke to them again.
Man, that's messed up! If they wanted a dog named Connie, they could've just kept you.
Shut up, idiot.
Connie, I never knew you'd been through so much.
Woody, you can't have that hate-filled church here.
Yeah, yeah.
Maybe I should reconsider having these hate-mongers at our Park.
- They paid cash.
- Cha ching! Welcome, hate mongers! We need to make these people feel comfortable.
Time to de-gay the Park! Connie, put on this dress.
Yow.
That's a tough sell.
Here.
For the next 24 hours, you're gonna be a straight guy named Chester Beefbottom.
You don't think I'm a freak, do you? Whatever you say.
Just don't stick me in your crotch again.
Connie? Oh, Sweetie, take that off.
I cannot believe how insensitive Woody is.
Oh! I already took off the fake one! - Ooh! Sorry.
- Thanks for understanding, Ethel.
- You know I didn't choose to be this way.
- Well, that's up for debate.
But you are an incredible person.
You're sweet, you're considerate, you're beautiful, inside and Well, inside.
- Oh.
I didn't know you felt this way.
- Of course I do.
Come here.
Go for it! Connie no! Oh, God, gross! Connie, wait! I didn't mean gross.
I just meant Slightly nauseating.
I just feel a little sick.
I probably won't vomit! Welcome to Brickleberry.
Make yourselves at home.
Who put that there? Woody, here's the remainder of the payment.
- I hope cash is okay.
- Cash? I love cash! But not as much as I love vagina.
Don't you think vagina's much better than a dude's butthole? I do.
Where are you taking us, Connie? Away from everyone.
Woody's having that stupid church here, and Ethel thinks I'm slightly nauseating.
Slightly? Hey.
No smoking in the Park, mister.
Uh-oh! How am I ever gonna get in here? Oh.
Uh-oh.
Ooh.
They may be ignorant Morons, but their cash is green.
Think I'm gonna play golf this weekend to celebrate the windfall.
Denzel, do you wanna caddy again? He can't.
Denzel and I have plans.
We're going to Pez Con! - Pez Con? - Uh, yeah! For pez collectors.
Like me.
Will you say that again, so I can record it? Then I'll have something to play back when I forget why I hate you.
Denzel, why the hell are you going? You're not a dork like Steve.
He's going with me because we're friends.
Something money can't buy.
You must have forgotten, Steve, that I always get what I want.
- Denzel, I'll pay ya double.
- Double? Oh, hell, yeah.
Come on, Denzel.
I can't go to Pez Con alone.
The pez heads will think I'm a loser! The pez heads will think I'm a loser! Got it.
Gays are witty.
Gays are clean.
They are polite, they are good dancers, snappy dressers, and raise property values.
But you got to take my word for it Homosexuals are evil! Thank you.
There is nothing that Jesus hates more than a gay Not a murderer, not a rapist, not even a Jew.
- But Jesus was a Jew.
- Stone him! At ease, soldiers.
Just a Park Ranger.
Sorry about that, Mr Beefbottom.
Wow.
What is this place? You're inside of a top-secret military research facility.
- Top secret? - Yes! So you must promise to keep our secret a secret.
Pinkie swear! Good enough for me.
The government has been using Brickleberry as a cover for decades.
What we do here is develop highly classified, specialized explosives.
This bomb gives the enemy low blood sugar.
Try fighting a war when you're all cranky.
This one makes your face look like Bruce Jenner's.
Usually leads to mass suicide.
This bomb turns people into dead people.
Just a regular bomb, really.
This one's a gay bomb.
This one's a Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Gay bomb? Tell me about this one.
It's, uh top secret.
- Show the top secret film! - Are you sure about that? Yeah.
He did the pinkie swear.
Top secret Movietone news, your source for all things classified.
The Jerries were on the march to take over all of Europe.
Uncle Sam's only hope was a secret weapon developed using state-of-the-art homo-nuclear technology The gay bomb.
Ka-pow.
And like that, those krauts went from sour to sweet.
The gay bomb pride of America, savior to the world! This baby turns every person in a 20-mile radius into an instant homosexual.
Wow.
I never knew there was a gay bomb.
Well, that's just the slang name.
The eggheads back in Los Alamos call it "the sissy missile.
" Hmm.
Screw it.
Set this bitch off.
What did that hand just say? No! Stop that hand! Oh, no, you didn't! What have you done? The shock wave is going to hit all of those people any minute now! He's my friend, and he's going to Pez Con with me! Bullshit! He is a grown man.
He can make his own decisions.
He's caddying for me.
Denzel is my man! You can have him after I get through with his brown chocolate ass and balls.
Wow! This is the utopia I've dreamed of! Connie, is that you? Uh, Reverend Rusty? Oh, talk about an eye opening moment, you know? I can't believe I was all about hate for so many years.
I just wanna apologize for being so rude to you.
Uh no problem.
Would you two cut it out? We're late for the Kathy Griffin show in Tucson.
All aboard the winky wagon! Hiya, Coco.
Oh, my God, have you seen my snuggly wuggly? - Who, Malloy? - Mall ha ha! No, miss thing.
My boy toy, Denzel.
Ooh! There he is.
How do these pants make my ass look? - Big? - Good! Conini Panini! There you are.
Hey, Steve.
I love your frosted tips.
Thank you.
What did Woody want? - He's looking for Denzel.
- That bitch! Ta ta! This is awesome! What the hell is going on, Connie? Woody's acting really weird.
Steve, pretty much the same.
Well, I found this secret base, I accidentally set off a gay bomb, and then.
.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
No, I read about that in highly unlikely bullshit magazine.
Connie, sorry about earlier.
I've always liked you a lot as a friend, but something's different about you.
Your thighs are so your breasts are completely I just wanna bang your frigging brains in.
Thank you, Jesus! Ethel, don't rush it.
I've dreamed of this moment.
I wanna do it just right.
This is like a dream, Connie.
I know.
Don't ever wake me up.
Oh, no! Oh, my God no! - What's wrong? - I'm straight! Ten seconds left in triple overtime! One final play! Give me that! It's The Cupcake Wars season finale.
- Hey, hey, what are you doing? - Ugh.
I cannot get into sports.
Change it back.
And that's it! The best play in the history of sports! What's that, Jim? Our instant replay machine broke? Hmm.
Well, it looks like if you missed that play, you'll never get to see it.
We now join The Bachelorette already in progress.
Yay! Ow! You know that's a hate crime.
Hi, brown sugar.
- You getting pretty for me? - Maybe.
These are for you.
Oh my God! Wow.
You really like roses, huh? Oh, Woody, Woody, I love it, I love it, I love it! I can't believe I'm not gay anymore.
The blast from the bomb must have done it somehow.
I wonder if mm Uh! Oh, no.
My lesbian strength.
It's gone! Oh, my heavens.
I broke a nail.
Honk, honk.
Why'd you run off, sexy? You left me high and not-so-dry back there.
Uh, Ethel, look, I don't know how to explain this, but I'm just not into you anymore.
What? You're kidding.
You're rejecting me? Nobody rejects me.
I am (Bleep) hot.
I'm at least a nine.
You're, what, a four, a five? And that's on the goddamn Richter scale! Oh.
Look, I'm sorry, Ethel.
You don't understand.
I can be with whoever I want.
- And I wanna be with you.
- No.
Oh, your mouth says no, but your body says No! My body says no too.
Hmm.
Playing hard to get, huh? Well, that gets my lady parts barking like a Jack Russell.
That big, pasty butt'll be mine soon enough.
Oh, I can't believe I'm straight.
This is a disaster.
Excuse me, Sir.
We're late.
Do you know where the Jesus hates homos rally is? Mom? Dad? Connie? Oh, not you, Connie.
The bull dyke.
Your eyes glisten like a star.
Your skin is brown and tasty like a Kit Kat bar.
Yoo-hoo! Denzel! Wanna take a ride on a real boat? You're not leaving me, are you? No, Steve, I'd rather stay here and listen to your poem.
- Really? - Hell, no! (Bleep) Your poem.
Aah! Dear, why haven't you called in all these years? You moved and didn't give me the number.
Right.
Well, it's been fun.
- Let's do it again in 15 years.
- Or 20.
Wait.
Mom, dad, I have something to tell you.
- I'm straight! - Oh! Really? Oh, thank God! My little girl.
Oh, we've got our daughter back! Alan, it may be kind of awkward having two Connie's around though.
Way ahead of you.
Shh, shh Go to sleep, Connie.
Go to sleep.
She called me her little girl.
Mommy's little girl! Hello, lover.
Aah! Ethel, stop trying to get a peek at my baby maker.
You're gonna ruin everything with my mom.
Oh, screw that crotch blocker.
That woman had you tortured.
Things are different now, Ethel.
She even bought me this body wash.
No! I like it when you smell like the floor of a circus.
- Alan, we have a problem.
- Yeah.
I can't believe you ruined my game, Woody.
What the hell are you doing? I have company coming over later, and you're shedding all over the house.
And you left toothpaste in the sink again.
Toothpaste in the sink? Last week you got drunk and shit down the garbage disposal.
Well, that was the old me.
Meet the new me, honey.
I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it! I'm fine if you turn into a gay guy.
But only you would turn into the most annoying gay guy on Earth.
That was uncalled for, you heartless bastard! And now I suddenly have sympathy for Katie Holmes.
My little girl is straight.
Oh, we're gonna spend the whole day together.
I'm so excited, mom.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy! Hope I'm not interrupting anything! Can't you see we're busy getting busy? I'm not speaking to you.
Denzel, I just wanted to give you this.
Ooh, arts and crafts! Oh, turn down the flame a little bit.
Oh, Steve, I love it.
Huh? Oh, no, you don't! He's mine! - Says who? - Says me! Will you two stop it? I like both of you.
- But he likes me more.
- You shut your big mouth! Aah! I'll claw your eyes out.
That's it.
I'm done.
Hey, anybody else got a little stiffy? Ethel, I've come to my senses.
I need your evil lesbian body now.
Connie? That was a weird note, but I No! Hey! What are you doing to me? Meet the homo eradicator.
You know, I never really liked that name that much.
I always thought we should call it "the queer-o-disappear-o.
" - Alan, stop! - Shh, shh.
- I was just kidding.
- Go to sleep, Chuck.
- I like the name, Alan.
- Go to sleep.
Connie, you look great in your outfit.
I don't know.
It's kinda itchy, mom.
Well, sometimes having class is itchy, dear.
What's the matter? You haven't touched your crumpets.
Oh, I was just thinking about my friend Ethel.
Oh, that evil lez ho? About her It was supposed to be a surprise, but your father is reprogramming her as we speak! No! What? You should be happy for that skank.
Look how well this worked on you.
It doesn't work, mother.
That machine is torture.
It does work.
Look at you now.
You used to be a freak.
I liked being a freak.
All my life, I just wanted your acceptance.
But it's not worth it.
I gotta be me! Now, excuse me while I save my friend.
I'm taking these.
And these.
You gonna eat that pink one? Ethel! I can't get past those guards without my lesbian strength.
Come on, Connie.
You must have a little lesbian left in there.
Just dig deep.
Yeah.
You're right.
You bastard! Let her go.
Let her go! That's it, sinner.
Let it all out.
Get your hands off me.
Those maniacs are gonna torture Ethel to death, and I'm powerless to stop them.
That's it! I need to reverse the effects of the gay bomb.
- Yes, we do.
- Malloy? Yes.
This is my problem too.
A gay Woody is hard to swallow.
Get your mind outta the gutter, Connie.
We need to get to the army base.
This is exactly what I thought secret government bases were like.
Beefbottom! How are you? - We need to reverse the - What? We're hoping that you know a way - What? - We need the goddamn antidote.
Oh! Here.
We only have one dose.
Hey, who says you get it? I'm taking this to Woody.
No, I need it to save Ethel.
Give me that! Oh! Oh, look what you did.
That was my last chance to save Ethel.
Ha ha ha! I was just (Bleep) with you.
That wasn't the antidote.
That was a Mai Tai that Bruce made.
Well, where's the real antidote? There isn't one.
The effects wear off in 24 hours, silly.
What kind of bomb goes away after 24 hours? Uh, anything Katherine Heigl's in.
So the effects should be wearing off right about What the (Bleep) am I wearing? Are you guys feeling straight? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Five-second rule? Hey! I'm not gay anymore! Of course you'd say that.
Crank up the juice! Oh, I I think we're all done here.
Congratulations.
You passed.
Oh, no need to thank us for fixing your friend.
You'll have to come over for Christmas dinner this year.
Dad, I'm gay again.
Or not.
You know what I'm really regretting right now.
- Choking our dog to death? - Yeah.
Thank you for saving my life, Connie.
I'm sorry I caused all this trouble, guys.
Next time, instead of turning everyone gay, I'm just gonna sneak into Ethel's cabin and Chloroform her.
Wait, what? Aah!