Bunheads (2012) s01e06 Episode Script
Movie Truck
1 Previously on Bunheads You're her.
- I'm? - The pole dancer from Reno.
I'm not a pole dancer.
Who said I was a pole dancer? - Who are you? - She is my daughter-in-law.
They got married in Las Vegas.
- Hi, Talia.
- Tell me everything.
We got here, he got in a car accident and now he's dead.
- You should go up front today.
- What? No.
- Come on! - I don't stand in the front, Melanie, ever.
Well, you should today.
So you can dance in front of my brother.
If Charlie wants to notice me, he can notice me back here.
- In the back.
- He's not that observant.
- I think my dad's gay.
- Based on what? Just a feeling.
He won't come out.
Thinks it's a giant secret but everyone knows.
It's too bad there's some lovely single gay men in this town.
And Sasha would be so much happier if he smiled once in a while.
It's pretty late.
Do you parents know where you are? - Nope! - Fanny: And it was fun! Putting it together, working with the kids.
Just because you teach doesn't mean it's over.
Michelle: Hey! Did someone see the Virgin Mary in the rosin box again? One time and I never said I was sure.
- The door's locked.
- Right, that's what people do when they don't want you to come in and touch their stuff.
Class is at 10:00 and it's always open a half hour early so we can warm up.
- Is Fanny in there? - Why would she be in there if it's locked? - Well, maybe she didn't unlock it for a reason.
- What reason? Maybe she's testing to see how dedicated you are to ballet.
- What? - How bad you want it.
- What are you talking about? - Well, the door is locked and the only way to get more ballet is to find another way in.
Are you willing to dig a tunnel under the studio with nothing but a plastic spoon, and then cut a giant hole in the floor with the chain saw you dragged along, and then once inside, repair the floor with nothing more than a glue gun, some Bobby pins and your wits? - Fanny! - Oh gee, calling out! - We should have thought of that.
- Hey, you'd better watch it.
With snark like that you'll wind up with your own dirty-girl sitcom on N.
B.
C.
- I'll be right back.
- Where are you going? To find you a teacher, grasshopper.
- Woman: I liked it.
- Woman 2: You did? - I did.
- But why? The emotional struggle between right or wrong? A woman wrestling with her own identity? - 'Cause it's dirty.
- What? I like my books dirty.
- I need a better reason than that.
- I do not have one.
It's a national phenomenon.
That's a reason.
- Not to read a book.
- Look, I don't need a reason.
When Judy Blume put out that book "Wifey," I was first in line to buy it.
Why? It's dirty.
The woman who gave you "Are you there God? It's me, Margaret" writes a dirty book, I'm going to read it.
Twice once to my kid.
- Oh God.
Truly? - Huh? - What about you? - Oh well, I haven't finished it yet.
- Why not? - I'm having the tile in my bathroom re-done and I didn't want the workmen to see it laying out, so I thought I'd put it in the garage, but it's not attached, so I walked outside and my neighbor walked by with his dog and I panicked and threw it in the trash.
We talked for a while and I went back inside to wait, but his dog is old and takes a long time to anyhow, I fell asleep and the next morning was trash day so - Hey.
- You threw away our reading assignment? - Not on purpose.
- Book clubs have rules, Truly.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
- What book are you talking about? - "Fifty shades of grey.
" - Great.
Sorry to interrupt the end of literature as we know it, - but has anyone seen Fanny? - Oh! Am I supposed to right.
That's quite a gathering you've got there.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing.
So are you the official life-alert pusher? - Those women are smart and skilled.
- And old.
- They are not old.
- Compared to you and Methuselah.
I find their conversation stimulating.
Woman: Truly, what kind of stone did your uncle pass last week? - Kidney! - Not gallstone? No, kidney.
There's a picture of it on my phone! - Wow.
- Shut up.
Gonna reminisce about the days when a cup of coffee - cost two bits? - It's a book club.
- You didn't read the book.
- So? So you're hanging with the nickel-slot crowd, Truly.
What am I supposed to do? Stay home alone, buy cats on the Internet? You're supposed to go out with people your own age, do fun things.
- Meet guys.
- You want me to be a slut like you? Yes, I get a coupon to sizzler for every convert.
Thank you for the advice, but those are my friends.
I just think it would be good for you to hang out with people who remember Shaun Cassidy and not Jack Cassidy.
- Here.
- What is this? - It's from Fanny.
- Fanny? Where is she? - Just read it.
- Truly, there's a class full of kids - locked outside the dance studio.
- Keys are in the envelope.
- But ugh.
- Read the note.
And just so you know, these are the people that like and accept me.
These women find me interesting and invited me into their club.
And yes, maybe that means I have to read a terrible terrible, simply awful, dreadful book, but at the end of that book is cake And friendship, - which is, I'm sure, something you will never understand.
- I understand cake.
Celia needs her mylanta.
( Theme music playing ) Bunheads 1x06 - Movie Truck Original air date July 23, 2012 - You're gone? - I'm not gone, I still exist.
- I'm just not there.
- You just left without saying a word.
- I left you a note.
- You left Truly a note.
I knew you'd come into the house to mooch something from me eventually.
- Not fair.
- What did you mooch? Nothing.
There were kids waiting outside the studio to come in.
- What's the point, Michelle? - The point is you have classes! I know.
And how wonderful that you're there, so I can get away for a week and then you can teach them.
- What? - It's fantastic that for once I have a little help.
It's glorious that finally a woman in her twilight years who hasn't had a vacation since Eisenhower was in office can, just for a small moment in time, get away, relax, recharge.
And all while a young vibrant woman who normally does nothing all day but obsess over Brangelina's wedding - can take over.
- Hey, do you know how many kids they have? Take a walk! Buy a ring! Eat some cake! It's time.
- I'll call you later.
- But I can't teach.
- I have plans this weekend.
- What plans? My friend Talia is driving my car here and we're celebrating my birthday.
We have this whole weekend road trip planned.
It's gonna be big.
- Mmm.
- What? Haven't we passed the age where we acknowledge birthdays? No, we didn't think so.
It sounds a little sad a woman of your age? How old do you think I am? All right.
I'm sorry.
I guess if you have to have a birthday party like an eight-year-old, and wear a Cinderella costume and a tiara - One year! - Then I suppose you could do that all that at night.
- But - Classes are during the day.
- But - I'm not suggesting you sit vigil at the studio.
I'm just saying that for once let an old woman meditate on the final moments she has left in this earthly realm.
( Sighs ) What's with the pole? Ah yes.
It's a beauty, isn't it? I got to thinking about all the things you were talking about.
And when you went on and on about that cardio-striptease class, well, the idea just stuck.
When did I go on and on about cardio-striptease classes? - The other day.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Night? - No.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That was Fergie.
Anyhow, the idea stuck and I just ordered the pole.
- When were you talking to Fergie? - She mentioned it on "Leno.
" Anyhow, it's a very hot trend.
It's fun and sexy and very popular with the housewives.
- Like the TV show? - No, actual housewives.
- Those still exist? - And they like to slide on poles.
Okay, I have no idea how to teach a cardio-striptease class.
There's a DVD and a book.
They came with the pole.
- ( Sarcastically ) Oh goody.
- You'll learn the routine, and then liven it up in your own Michelle way, I'm sure.
You mean with sarcasm and general hostility toward the world? I think it's going to be very popular.
I put a sign-up sheet at the oyster bar for one free class, and by the time Rico brought my coffee the sheet was full.
- Yeah, but, Fanny - Enjoy your birthday.
Don't take pictures.
( Sighs ) Okay, whatever happens next, blame Fergie.
Everyone at the barre.
- Ginny: Touch it.
- No way.
Boo, you're exposed to this stuff all the time.
You work here.
Try it.
Nuh-uh, I've never seen that before.
It's fried.
How bad could it be? - So? - Can you speak? - Is it vegetable? - It's probably clams.
Mel, just form words go on words.
'Cause there's lots of clams back there.
I think she's trying to say something.
I think she's signaling for a mercy killing.
Is her face turning a weird color? Okay, whatever.
So be at my house at 7:00 tonight.
The movie starts at 10:00.
And your parents will definitely be gone? My mom has an out-of-town conference she's dragging my dad along.
We're looking at $60 food allowance and complete freedom till Sunday night.
I love the movie truck hitting different towns on different nights.
It's so Bohemian.
And Charlie's going, right? Yeah, Mel, did your idiot brother get us tickets yet? - I don't think she can talk.
- Just nod your head yes or no.
It's rated "R.
" Are they checking I.
D.
s? It's a movie inside a truck.
I think they're just checking pulses.
- I thought you wanted to go.
- Sasha: I do, I'm just saying I don't think we need an elaborate plan or disguises.
- Charlie's feet! - Okay, we're going to need a little more.
It tastes exactly like Charlie's feet.
Okay, Appalachia, how do you know what your brother's feet taste like? Stop.
That's rhetorical.
I'm going home.
7:00 sharp.
Don't be late.
It's not bad.
I'm not scared of you.
You see this? That's a Naomi Malone.
Intimidating, right? Make it rain! - Ahhh.
- I'm sorry, you leave Vegas - then wind up on the pole? - Talia! Talia, Talia oh God, Talia! - ( Laughs ) Hi! - Hi! Hi! Hi! How's Boris? Your car? I thought you named it Kyle.
- No, that was a boyfriend.
- Kyle wasn't a car? He had Miles on him, but he was human.
Well, Boris is fine.
And I come bearing a surprise gift.
- Your last check from the show.
- Cool! Wow.
- Weird.
- Why? It's my last check, it's just it's like reality.
I'm finally realizing no more spangles in my butt crack.
That phrase has never been said so wistfully before, like ever.
- What should I do with it? Hoard it? Frame it? - Blow it? And we'll be right back with more from "the Suze Orman show.
" We're spending it every cent.
Birthday road trip and we'll come back with not even a dime left.
And since you're stripping now you're just one bachelor party away from being set.
- Road trip, yeah right.
- Yeah, right on! You know the crazy lady I live with? - Your mother-in-law? - Yeah well, the loon from loontown up and disappeared this weekend and I have to teach all her classes.
- So that's what the pole's for? - Yeah, here at Paradise dance academy we specialize in girls with daddy issues, so we start 'em young.
- So we're not road-tripping? - Mmm.
But the good news is, according to Loony, we are at the age where we don't do birthdays anymore.
- We're dead? - I guess.
Screw that.
We will always do birthdays.
- We'll just blow it out here in Paradise.
- Really? Absolutely.
We can look hot anywhere.
And consider the advantages of looking as hot as we can look in this place.
We'll knock this town on its ass and then kick it in the face if it even tries to fight back.
- Oh, I've missed you so much.
- I want to show you my place.
I have custom-made curtains.
- Get out.
- And fresh fruit in my fridge.
- Who are you? Ha.
Paradise.
Don't let the name fool you.
Seriously.
Cause it's not.
Okay, so it's quiet.
Quiet is nice for a change.
- Sure.
- What's that? - That is the surf wax store.
- What do they sell? - Surf wax.
- And? - Surf wax.
- And? - Surf wax.
- And? Surf wax.
I can keep this up as long as you can.
- Weird.
- What's weirder is that it used to be a flip-flop store, - where they sold flip-flops.
- And? - Really? - Hey, this looks interesting.
- Uh, Talia? - Oh my God! These clothes are so cute.
C'mon.
Let's start blowing that paycheck.
Whoa, there, Tex.
We can't go in there.
- Why not? - You know how in a fairy tale there's like a bridge that leads to a castle where there's a beautiful princess that's locked in a tower, but there's a crazy little troll that lives under the bridge, and in order to rescue the princess - you have to deal with the troll? - Yeah.
Welcome to Sparkles.
Where the motto is "if you're a princess, you're screwed.
" Oh my God, are those ducks on a dress? Oh, these are classic.
Michelle, do you see these? Who would think to make a dress like this? - Can I help you? - Once upon a time I was just loving the duck dress.
Oh, and this.
And this and oh my God.
Michelle, look how cute! I make everything myself and I can alter anything that doesn't fit for free.
Gold mine.
This place is a gold mine.
You haven't been in here for a while.
- Uh, I've been busy what? - ( Shrieks ) The prices! Have you seen the prices? Are these the real prices? - Yes.
- Everything.
We're buying everything.
Michelle, start grabbing stuff.
We have a lot of trying on to do before tonight.
Tonight? What's happening tonight? - It's her birthday.
- Oh.
I will have a happy birthday.
Thank you, Truly.
- What are you going to do? - Oh, we're just going to go out.
- That sounds fun.
- It's not just fun.
The way we celebrate, it's epic.
We're very into birthdays.
This purse? I'm getting two.
What's with the decapitated bear head? - I'm making a coat.
- You're kidding.
No.
Look.
That is the most disturbed thing I think you've ever done.
- Does it come in my size? - You want to try it on? - Yes.
- So where are you going to go for your birthday tonight? Oh boy.
We haven't figured that out yet.
- We usually just see where the night takes us.
( Gasps ) Remember the time we got drunk and snuck on stage with tom Jones and danced for 10 minutes before he noticed we weren't supposed to be there? Three quarters of "Delilah" and half of "What's new, pussycat?" And then that lady threw that room key and it hit you in the head and you had to go to the hospital and get three stitches.
But the doctor was really cute and he took us out to dinner afterwards.
- Dr.
Lobster.
- Dr.
Lobster.
- That had to make the top-five birthday list, right? - Number four.
- Really, what was five? - Comic-con princess Leia costume contest.
- One-two sweep.
- Right.
Number three? - Sneaking onto the plane with - Bon Jovi! - Right.
- So so right.
- Two? - Two was when I kissed George Clooney.
You kissed George Clooney? - Yeah.
- What was it like? - Like kissing George Clooney.
- And that was two? - Kissing George Clooney was two.
- Yep.
- What was one? - Oh well, one - We never talk about one.
- No, it was so monumental - That we don't want to repeat it.
- And we can't remember it.
For my last birthday Fanny took me to colonial Williamsburg.
I got a bonnet.
Oh, that sounds - Vaguely amish.
- I bet tonight's going to be really fun.
- Make sure to tell me all about it.
- When? - When we talk.
- When do we talk? - We're talking now.
- But that's 'cause she didn't understand about the troll.
You know, sometimes when you're going out, the two of you, it's nice to have another person along to keep an eye on your bag if you get up to dance or to watch the bathroom door in case you need to use the men's room? - Uh-huh? - A third person like in "Charlie's Angels.
" - There were three of them.
- Yeah, but only two stayed on the show for the entire run - so really there were two.
- There were three in the picture.
- But two in loyalty and spirit.
- But three in reality and number.
- I was thinking if you needed a third - We don't.
- I could come along - Two is fine.
and watch the men's room door for you.
- You don't want to come with us.
- Why not? - Yeah, why not? - Wow, are we so not communicating today.
- You said I need to go out with people my own age.
- Yeah, but not with me.
- You're the only person my own age that I know.
- But I'll give you 20% off of everything.
- And some free mood rings.
- I love mood rings.
- Come on, she'll be handy.
- How? Like if a button falls off or a zipper breaks, I can fix it.
Yeah, plus she's cute.
Like a purse dog.
- It'll be like having a shih tzu.
- Oh please?! ( Whispers ) Please let me be your shih tzu? Okay, but if she's coming, we have to change the whole package.
I don't know what that means, but let's do it! - I should not have worn these shoes.
- They're cute.
They're tight and they make me walk funny.
- They make you walk sexy.
- Really? - In a Hanna-Barbera kind of way.
- Huh? You'll be doing a lot of sitting.
- Woman: Tell me again that I'm crazy! - Man: You're crazy! - Woman: When I have nothing but proof on my side?! - Man: What proof? - What do we do? - I guess we knock? - Man: What are you doing? - Woman: I can't be held accountable for my actions.
- Apparently I'm crazy! No! - Man: Put that down! ( Ceramic shatters ) Man: That's Jonathan Adler, you lunatic! - You first.
- I'm not going to knock.
- We can't just stand here.
- Should we go? - What are you doing? - I'm texting Sasha.
Woman: You come over here and you say that to my face! Oh, I hope he doesn't come over here and say that to her face.
( Door opens ) Get in.
Move quickly up the stairs, do not say a word.
- Come on, Boo.
- Woman: And who, for the love of God, - needs this many throw pillows?! - Hi, Mr.
and Mrs.
Torres.
- Boo! - I didn't want to be rude.
- Ow.
- Sorry.
- Ow! - Sorry.
- Ow! - Sorry.
She's going to be sorry for the next 40 plucks.
Just issue a blanket apology and move on.
( Yelling continues ) What's up with you? I don't know why you're plucking your eyebrows if you can't take the pain.
Because Charlie is going to be there tonight and Ginny's going to make me look like Dita Von Teese.
- Wait, I am? - Aren't you? I thought I was making you look like Kat Von D.
- I thought Charlie liked Dita Von Teese.
- Who does Charlie like? - Neo from The Matrix.
- Okay, never mind.
They're almost the same person.
I'll do a combo.
Almost done, now I just need my accent color.
( Yelling continuing ) What time is it? We need to leave.
- Maybe they're not going to go out.
- Oh, they're going out.
This is a work thing.
My mother never misses a work thing.
She'd rather let her roots grow out than miss a work thing.
- Maybe gold.
- Melanie, painting your pinky another color doesn't look like an accent.
It just looks like you ran out of polish.
- I didn't invent the concept.
- Even worse you're copying someone else's moronic idea.
Wow, pleasant person, party of one.
Woman: Sasha! Come down here please! Great.
I know they fight a lot, but this one sounds bad.
- I wonder if it's about the Timothy situation.
- Must be.
- We don't know if that's true or not.
- We know.
- Everyone knows.
- Sasha's dad and Timothy Marsh are boyfriends.
- They're in love.
- Forbidden love.
- Forbidden by who? - Sasha's mom.
- Oh.
Yeah well - and now Timothy's moving away.
- And they'll never get to really be together.
- Sad.
- So so sad.
- Shh! It's quiet.
( Knocks ) ( Girls yell ) - Everybody decent? - Josh! - Boo: You scared us half to death.
- I did? - We thought you were Sasha.
- Why are you scared of Sasha? Because she's using her parents' corpses as a couch.
No, she's not.
I just saw her.
She's having a yogurt.
- She let me in.
- What are you doing here? - I brought you guys some overnight kits.
- Josh.
Nothing big, just some muffins, cookie dough, pre-loaded pez dispensers, some apples for Boo - Josh! - Two decks of cards if you want to play some canasta, cucumber eye masks pop them in the freezer for a few minutes for the best results fuzzy socks in case your feet get cold - and a DVD of "Grease.
" - Wow, you're the only person in the world whose boyfriend is basically a girl.
I meant that in a good way.
- I sure hope so.
- You have the best boyfriend ever.
- I do, don't I? - Oh my God, I love cookie dough! - It's my crack.
- You want to stay? Nope, it's girls' night out.
I am gonna either go hit a strip club or do some trig homework.
I'm still debating.
Are you sure you don't want to come to the movie with us? Bag.
Out.
What's going on down there? ( Crashes ) - My mother's redecorating.
- What does that mean besides new furniture? - It means the idiots are not going out.
- Rats! - Well, at least we have snacks.
- And fuzzy socks.
And we can watch "Grease" sing-along.
What are we, "Revenge of the nerds"? - We are going out.
- What? - How? - Look, once my mother is done wrecking the joint, she'll take her happy bye-bye pills and go lie down.
And then my father will go in the den, put on his headphones and watch old performances of his college improv group for the rest of the night.
They'll never know we're gone.
- But - no buts! Now paint it if you're gonna paint it, pluck it if you're gonna pluck it, but get your shoes and bring the bags 'cause we are going out! - Come on, Truly.
- No.
- Just let us see the dress.
- I can't.
Honey, you have to come out of the dressing room if you want to watch the men's room for us.
- I feel like a hooker.
- Then we've done our job.
Truly! Here, boy.
I'll give you a treat.
I told you we had to change the whole package.
Okay! Fine, I'm coming out.
- Wow.
You look totally doable in that.
- I do? - You do.
- You sure? This isn't some cruel hazing ritual you've concocted to humiliate me? How did we not think of concocting a cruel hazing ritual to humiliate her? - We are so off our game.
- You look great.
I do? Michelle? Angels, the mission tonight is to go out there and rock the casbah! - Whoo! - Both: Whoo! I don't know what "rock the casbah" means.
Stick with the "whoo" instinct, Truly.
- Your first impulse was right on that.
- Okay.
- Whoo! - All: Whoo! - Boo! - Sorry.
Did I screw up my eyebrows? No.
I think you look like Kat Von D.
Or Dita Von Teese.
I think I look like me with uneven eyebrows.
Don't worry, Boo.
I'm sure Charlie, like every guy in America, has very strong eyebrow-tweezing opinions.
I bet he makes all his decisions based on the tweeze.
- So are mine okay? - Sure.
Great, the princess and all her little princess friends are here.
- What's your problem? - We've been here for hours.
Really? For hours? Like you've been right here for how many hours? - Enough hours.
- You were at the house like 10 seconds ago.
And then I came here and got your tickets and then waited for you with your tickets like I told you I was going to do.
- So hand 'em over and stop bitching.
- Here, now go away.
For the rest of the night I don't know you and you don't know me.
We look identical, moron! - Boo, what are you doing? - Being invisible.
- It's what I do best.
- Can we just go inside? You officially suck! The place is full, we almost didn't find seats and the seats we do have aren't together.
I'm never doing anything for you or your friends ever again! I thought you didn't know me.
Someday, Boo, someday you will tell me what exactly you like about my brother.
Because seriously, I don't get it.
I don't think you're supposed to get it.
That would be gross.
He's right.
No seats together.
And I'll probably end up sitting next to some loser who's been lifting things all day and didn't bother to shower.
Oh my God, Debbie Downer, relax.
- We'll get four seats together.
- How? Children.
Ginny, see that seat up there next to the old guy? - Yeah? - Go up there and get him to move.
- How? - He's old.
You can probably just make water sounds and he'll have to run for the bathroom.
Mel, you go up front and be tall.
Got it, be tall.
And then? Be tall in front of people and they will switch with you - and you'll end up with Ginny.
- Brilliant.
I'll go in the back and work my way forward.
Boo, over there.
Work your way in.
Got it? Fan out and we'll meet in the middle.
Boo: Sorry sorry.
I could really really use some popcorn.
Yeah, popcorn.
Popcorn is awesome.
I'm on it.
Hi there.
I know, I'm tall.
Genes, right? The inherited ones, not the lowrise kind.
We could switch.
I don't mind.
Hi.
I was wondering if you would - What's wrong with your eyebrows? - Switch with me? Nope.
( Spits ) Yeah, I think it's about vampires.
They battle flesh-eating zombies very scary.
Especially for children and, well, anyone with a bad ticker.
- A bad what? - Ticker isn't that what you call it? Hey, I could really use a soda.
Not into older women, huh? - Why are you holding a freakin' baby? - Don't ask.
- But how - my last plan to switch seats backfired, okay? I said don't ask.
- 60? 61? - No.
No no.
Please don't make me guess how old you are.
Hey, I really could use some nachos.
- So go get some.
- Rats.
I'm gone for two seconds and you're hitting on another girl? - I'm going home.
- Wait! - At the buzzer.
Mel! - I wasn't talking to her.
- Liar! - Where's Boo? - She hasn't moved.
- She's putting down roots.
Raising a family.
- We gotta get rid of this guy.
- He's not budging for anything.
- We're so close.
- Wait, let me try something.
Excuse me, could we have your seat - so we can all sit together? - Well, sure.
- I did not think of that.
- I'll text Boo.
Charlie! Dude! A seat! Oh, um, I'll talk to you after, right? Sure.
- No way.
- Wow.
- What do I do? - Stay there.
Wait, is she still holding a baby? Somehow that doesn't surprise me at all.
- ( Gasps ) Oh my God.
- Hey Boo.
Uh, hey hi.
What's up? - Is that a baby? - No.
( Cooing ) Okay, people, who's missing a baby? - Want some? - Okay.
How is everything in this town closed by 6:00? Branson is open later Branson.
My God, even the Osmonds' dinner show doesn't start until 7:00.
I've gotta take these shoes off.
No no no.
Party rule number one: Never take your shoes off until the end of the night.
Your feet will swell and you'll never get them back on again.
Then you're the loser carrying her shoes around.
- Here's the movie truck.
- Yay, activity.
- Michelle: Are you kidding me? - Unbelievable.
- Plus ticket dude's a lady.
- Can't even seduce our way in.
- Just our luck.
- We could bribe her.
- With what money? - With the money you were gonna use for my fabulous birthday dinner.
And there's my check.
- It's gone.
- Talia.
- We spent it at sparkles.
- What did we buy? My outfit, your outfit, Truly's outfit.
- Truly owns the store! - It was a gift.
It's not a gift unless you buy it for the person.
So you're buying gifts for Truly from her own store, but you're not buying me dinner? She's standing right there and you're making her feel bad.
- And look how cute she looks.
- Okay fine.
Sorry, Truly.
- Enjoy it.
- There's a back.
- Wait, Truly, what? - There's a back door and it's propped open.
- We could just sneak in.
- Look at you, acting all grown up and figuring out how to sneak in places, wearing short dresses and acting age-appropriate.
I'm so proud of you.
( Screams, chainsaw roaring ) I look away for one second - and he's got a pile of salami.
- No, the guy with no arms had arms a minute ago.
They're on the side there, see? The effects aren't super great, so it kind of looks like salamis.
If I had a nickel for every arm ( Laughs ) You're funny.
( Screaming, maniacal laughter ) ( Chainsaw roaring ) ( Sighs ) - We're leaning against a wall.
- It's cool.
- Yeah, it's something.
- It's been a long time - since I've stood in back and watched a movie.
- Wait.
Truly Frances Abigail Dominica III, did you sneak booze into this movie truck? I stole it from Sam's desk at Sparkles.
I worship you.
- Woo! - Woo! - Crowd: Shhh! - ( Softly ) Woo.
- Hey, what is this called? - "Mountain of arms.
" "Mountain of arms"? As in someone builds a ( Chainsaw roars ) Mountain of arms.
- We got to go.
- What? It's 11:40.
My house alarm sets at midnight and it doesn't go back off until 6:00 A.
M.
- We need to get Boo.
- I'll do it.
- What? - Michelle is here.
( Crowd groans ) Oh my God, it's another arm.
It's like ed wood! It's like someone literally went to a warehouse - looked around, saw 50,000 arms and thought, "done"! - Tank top! - Drink.
- Hey, we should make a movie.
"Skyscraper of teeth"! "Ziggurat of legs"! - "The tower of torsos.
" - Yes! "Tower of torsos"! Hey, Talia was in a movie called that.
It was called "Blood Dungeon Two.
" Same thing.
And she took her top off.
- Really? - Which is why I was killed in the first scene.
- First boobs equals first kill.
- What killed you? I have no idea.
I don't think anyone knew exactly, but it was large, it glowed and I slept with it after we wrapped.
( Chuckles ) - She'll tell madame Fanny.
- Maybe she won't.
- We could sneak past her.
- She's 18 feet tall, she's totally going to see us.
- Well, is she a narc? - She doesn't look narc-y to me.
She could be a covert narc, like she acts like she's your friend, you hang out and do narc-able things with them, and then you go home and you've been totally narced.
- So what do we do? - We wait for the movie to be over and they leave, then we run back to my house.
( Chainsaw rumbles ) - I think his chainsaw died.
- Excellent.
I thought it was really poetic how the killer cut off his own arms to finish the mountain, but then there was no way of getting them to the top.
( Laughs ) Okay, someone get Boo so we can go.
- Found her.
- Excellent.
- Wait! - Michelle: Boo! "Mountain of arms"! Oh my God, right? "Mountain of arms"! Oh my God.
- ( Whispering ) Did she see us? - I don't think she saw anything.
- We have to leave.
- I have to thank Charlie for the tickets.
- Boo.
- Charlie! - Hey.
- She's trying to kill me.
11:55, how fast can we all run? That's it, I'm getting her.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Boo! - Hi, I just wanted to thank you for the - Oh, gimme your hand.
My phone died and my hands are greasy - from the popcorn.
- Oh.
- Text me that when you get home, okay? - Okay.
- Come on! - I can't look.
What does it say? - "Shari" and then Shari's number.
- Who's Shari? - That's Shari.
- That's totally what Dita Von Teese looks like.
We definitely didn't get that right, Boo.
Sorry.
Yeah, it's a real tragedy.
Let's move! Truly: Wait, where are we? Talia: More importantly, where did we park? We parked near a tree that looks like a hobbit.
All the trees here look like hobbits.
I like that word "hobbit.
" Hobbit.
It has a nice in-my-mouth-feel when I say it h-hobbit.
Oh, there's my car! I'm thinking we should walk home.
- Or sleep here.
- Yes, sleep is genius.
I could take off my shoes and start sleeping.
No! You said we would stay up all night and it hasn't been all night, - so you can't take your shoes off.
- But I wanna.
- Me too.
- Cupcake A.
T.
M.
! - Truly? - Did you say "cupcake A.
T.
M.
"? I read about it.
In Los Angeles there is a pink A.
T.
M.
And it dispenses all kinds of cupcakes 24 hours a day.
( Squeaks ) Who is she? I have no idea, but I like her.
Problem is we made Mr.
Tom Collins go bye-bye, all empty.
And I may have drunk all the bitters.
- I'm sober.
- Unpossible.
You matched us drink for drink.
Yes, and then I spit it back in the bottle.
- Oh my God! - I'm not a drinker.
- Back in the bottle?! - Seriously, that's disgusting.
But it's a good thing 'cause I can drive, so we can go get A.
T.
M.
cupcakes, right? Back in the bottle? ( Groans ) Uhh yeah ha.
Okay.
- Cupcakes! - Whoo-hoo! Boo: It's 12:15 no, 12:16.
- Sasha: It is? - Yes, I've been yelling that at you - for the past three blocks.
- I thought you were saying "run faster.
" "12:15" doesn't sound anything like run faster.
- It's blinking red.
- Damn it! - Can we turn the alarm off? - From the inside.
- Let's do that.
- Yeah, Mel, let's do that.
Everyone think real hard and use all your psychic powers to turn the alarm off.
Are you doing it? Okay? Is it working? No? Really? Shocking.
- Sorry.
- I knew we'd get caught if we snuck out.
Just lemme figure this out.
Over here! - There.
- Yes? - We'll get up there and climb in.
- Oh okay, - lemme get my catapult.
- If there was a tree to climb maybe.
Or a mountain of arms.
We can make a mountain of arms and climb up that.
The car, you idiots.
We'll climb up the car.
- That's never going to work.
- Boo, Boo.
Okay.
- C'mon - Yeah, talk to the window, that will help.
You know what? I'm trying to save us all from lectures and groundings, so you can either help or shut it! - Did you grow in the last 10 seconds? - No, I'm gonna jump.
Oh okay, this I'm gonna wanna get on video.
( Crashes ) Oh my God! Don't wake my parents up! - I had an idea.
- You did.
- None of you had ideas.
- This is true.
I could ( Laughter continues ) All righty then.
Do you remember that James Bond movie where they spray-painted that girl gold and then she suffocated 'cause all her pores were clogged? - Yes.
- That is going to happen to me, but in reverse.
Frosting is going to clog my pores from the inside out.
I will stop breathing and colored sprinkles will shoot out my nose.
- How many did you eat? - Oh my God.
- This many.
- This many.
- Ohhh.
- You could always out-eat me.
- You could always out-dance me.
- Yeah well, that was then.
Arms.
- Frosted arms.
- Oh God, please tell me she remembers her dreams.
Look, she kept her heels on the whole night.
- The student surpasses the teacher.
- So on the birthday scale? This one definitely cracked the top 10.
- Really? Wow.
- Not the top five, but I think it knocked out the time that we broke into that temple and skinny-dipped in the Mitzvah baths.
So how does it feel getting older? Fantastic.
I like getting older.
Some women say they don't, but me, I feel like every time a part of me sags lower to the ground, an angel gets its wings.
- It's nice you're still drunk.
- I think it's the bitters.
- Oh, last one.
- Split it.
- Mmm, 60/40? - Fine.
- A cupcake A.
T.
M.
- A 24-hour cupcake A.
T.
M.
What a country.
Mmm.
- It's sweet.
- Mmm.
It's supposed to be sweet.
It's a cupcake.
- No.
I mean this.
- What? This place, this town, your pad.
- You have a gazebo.
- Fanny has a gazebo.
Your ass is sitting in it right now.
- True, very true.
- I love it here.
- You do? - Don't you? You know, this was supposed to be a whole different thing here.
This was supposed to be a whole different life.
I was supposed to be married a sadie.
I was supposed to have a husband - and we were supposed to - To what? I don't know be really happy.
Now I don't know what the plan is.
You can't be really happy here without being a sadie? - So next year - Uh-huh, mm-hmm.
- for my birthday - I promise I will be more prepared.
- I'll do some planning.
- Okay.
I'll check out what's going on in the other towns.
- Is there more to Solvang than windmills? - There's not.
I'll check out Carmel, scope out the night life in Los Olivos, see what the kids are up to in Carpinteria.
And I'll see if I can't liven this place up a little bit before then.
If anybody can Three more minutes.
Boy, those two can sleep in any position, can't they? Boo? - Oh jeez.
- Hey! - Pathetic.
- No, don't! Forget him, Boo.
You'll meet someone else just as dumb, driving just as crappy a car any day now.
- I was supposed to text that to him.
- And then what? - And then he would thank me.
- And after he thanks you for texting him some other girl's number, then what? I just like him.
I know.
You're probably right though.
I know.
Look one more time and the hand goes too.
So I got my letter today From the Joffrey.
- The official invitation.
- Oh.
Yeah.
Well, you knew that was coming.
It wasn't 100%.
So are you going to go? I'm certainly not going to stick around here all summer.
- What did your parents say? - I'll tell them when I get back.
- Sasha.
- Look, they won't even notice I'm gone.
- Trust me.
- You can't just up and leave.
I'll leave a note on the throw pillows.
- But - it's time.
C'mon! Let's move it! - Dad? - Huh? I stayed out all night and wrecked mom's car.
Good night.
( Footsteps ascending ) ( Folk music playing ) Istanbul was Constantinople now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople been a long time gone, Constantinople now it's Turkish delight on a moonlit night every gal in Constantinople lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople so if you've a date in Constantinople she'll be waiting in Istanbul even old New York was once New Amsterdam why they changed it I can't say people just liked it better that way so take me back to Constantinople no, you can't go back to Constantinople been a long time gone, Constantinople why did Constantinople get the works? that's nobody's business but the Turks ( Vocalizing ) - Istanbul - Istanbul so take me back to Constantinople no, you can't go back to Constantinople been a long time gone, Constantinople why did Constantinople get the works? that's nobody's business but the Turks Istanbul!
- I'm? - The pole dancer from Reno.
I'm not a pole dancer.
Who said I was a pole dancer? - Who are you? - She is my daughter-in-law.
They got married in Las Vegas.
- Hi, Talia.
- Tell me everything.
We got here, he got in a car accident and now he's dead.
- You should go up front today.
- What? No.
- Come on! - I don't stand in the front, Melanie, ever.
Well, you should today.
So you can dance in front of my brother.
If Charlie wants to notice me, he can notice me back here.
- In the back.
- He's not that observant.
- I think my dad's gay.
- Based on what? Just a feeling.
He won't come out.
Thinks it's a giant secret but everyone knows.
It's too bad there's some lovely single gay men in this town.
And Sasha would be so much happier if he smiled once in a while.
It's pretty late.
Do you parents know where you are? - Nope! - Fanny: And it was fun! Putting it together, working with the kids.
Just because you teach doesn't mean it's over.
Michelle: Hey! Did someone see the Virgin Mary in the rosin box again? One time and I never said I was sure.
- The door's locked.
- Right, that's what people do when they don't want you to come in and touch their stuff.
Class is at 10:00 and it's always open a half hour early so we can warm up.
- Is Fanny in there? - Why would she be in there if it's locked? - Well, maybe she didn't unlock it for a reason.
- What reason? Maybe she's testing to see how dedicated you are to ballet.
- What? - How bad you want it.
- What are you talking about? - Well, the door is locked and the only way to get more ballet is to find another way in.
Are you willing to dig a tunnel under the studio with nothing but a plastic spoon, and then cut a giant hole in the floor with the chain saw you dragged along, and then once inside, repair the floor with nothing more than a glue gun, some Bobby pins and your wits? - Fanny! - Oh gee, calling out! - We should have thought of that.
- Hey, you'd better watch it.
With snark like that you'll wind up with your own dirty-girl sitcom on N.
B.
C.
- I'll be right back.
- Where are you going? To find you a teacher, grasshopper.
- Woman: I liked it.
- Woman 2: You did? - I did.
- But why? The emotional struggle between right or wrong? A woman wrestling with her own identity? - 'Cause it's dirty.
- What? I like my books dirty.
- I need a better reason than that.
- I do not have one.
It's a national phenomenon.
That's a reason.
- Not to read a book.
- Look, I don't need a reason.
When Judy Blume put out that book "Wifey," I was first in line to buy it.
Why? It's dirty.
The woman who gave you "Are you there God? It's me, Margaret" writes a dirty book, I'm going to read it.
Twice once to my kid.
- Oh God.
Truly? - Huh? - What about you? - Oh well, I haven't finished it yet.
- Why not? - I'm having the tile in my bathroom re-done and I didn't want the workmen to see it laying out, so I thought I'd put it in the garage, but it's not attached, so I walked outside and my neighbor walked by with his dog and I panicked and threw it in the trash.
We talked for a while and I went back inside to wait, but his dog is old and takes a long time to anyhow, I fell asleep and the next morning was trash day so - Hey.
- You threw away our reading assignment? - Not on purpose.
- Book clubs have rules, Truly.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
- What book are you talking about? - "Fifty shades of grey.
" - Great.
Sorry to interrupt the end of literature as we know it, - but has anyone seen Fanny? - Oh! Am I supposed to right.
That's quite a gathering you've got there.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing.
So are you the official life-alert pusher? - Those women are smart and skilled.
- And old.
- They are not old.
- Compared to you and Methuselah.
I find their conversation stimulating.
Woman: Truly, what kind of stone did your uncle pass last week? - Kidney! - Not gallstone? No, kidney.
There's a picture of it on my phone! - Wow.
- Shut up.
Gonna reminisce about the days when a cup of coffee - cost two bits? - It's a book club.
- You didn't read the book.
- So? So you're hanging with the nickel-slot crowd, Truly.
What am I supposed to do? Stay home alone, buy cats on the Internet? You're supposed to go out with people your own age, do fun things.
- Meet guys.
- You want me to be a slut like you? Yes, I get a coupon to sizzler for every convert.
Thank you for the advice, but those are my friends.
I just think it would be good for you to hang out with people who remember Shaun Cassidy and not Jack Cassidy.
- Here.
- What is this? - It's from Fanny.
- Fanny? Where is she? - Just read it.
- Truly, there's a class full of kids - locked outside the dance studio.
- Keys are in the envelope.
- But ugh.
- Read the note.
And just so you know, these are the people that like and accept me.
These women find me interesting and invited me into their club.
And yes, maybe that means I have to read a terrible terrible, simply awful, dreadful book, but at the end of that book is cake And friendship, - which is, I'm sure, something you will never understand.
- I understand cake.
Celia needs her mylanta.
( Theme music playing ) Bunheads 1x06 - Movie Truck Original air date July 23, 2012 - You're gone? - I'm not gone, I still exist.
- I'm just not there.
- You just left without saying a word.
- I left you a note.
- You left Truly a note.
I knew you'd come into the house to mooch something from me eventually.
- Not fair.
- What did you mooch? Nothing.
There were kids waiting outside the studio to come in.
- What's the point, Michelle? - The point is you have classes! I know.
And how wonderful that you're there, so I can get away for a week and then you can teach them.
- What? - It's fantastic that for once I have a little help.
It's glorious that finally a woman in her twilight years who hasn't had a vacation since Eisenhower was in office can, just for a small moment in time, get away, relax, recharge.
And all while a young vibrant woman who normally does nothing all day but obsess over Brangelina's wedding - can take over.
- Hey, do you know how many kids they have? Take a walk! Buy a ring! Eat some cake! It's time.
- I'll call you later.
- But I can't teach.
- I have plans this weekend.
- What plans? My friend Talia is driving my car here and we're celebrating my birthday.
We have this whole weekend road trip planned.
It's gonna be big.
- Mmm.
- What? Haven't we passed the age where we acknowledge birthdays? No, we didn't think so.
It sounds a little sad a woman of your age? How old do you think I am? All right.
I'm sorry.
I guess if you have to have a birthday party like an eight-year-old, and wear a Cinderella costume and a tiara - One year! - Then I suppose you could do that all that at night.
- But - Classes are during the day.
- But - I'm not suggesting you sit vigil at the studio.
I'm just saying that for once let an old woman meditate on the final moments she has left in this earthly realm.
( Sighs ) What's with the pole? Ah yes.
It's a beauty, isn't it? I got to thinking about all the things you were talking about.
And when you went on and on about that cardio-striptease class, well, the idea just stuck.
When did I go on and on about cardio-striptease classes? - The other day.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Night? - No.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That was Fergie.
Anyhow, the idea stuck and I just ordered the pole.
- When were you talking to Fergie? - She mentioned it on "Leno.
" Anyhow, it's a very hot trend.
It's fun and sexy and very popular with the housewives.
- Like the TV show? - No, actual housewives.
- Those still exist? - And they like to slide on poles.
Okay, I have no idea how to teach a cardio-striptease class.
There's a DVD and a book.
They came with the pole.
- ( Sarcastically ) Oh goody.
- You'll learn the routine, and then liven it up in your own Michelle way, I'm sure.
You mean with sarcasm and general hostility toward the world? I think it's going to be very popular.
I put a sign-up sheet at the oyster bar for one free class, and by the time Rico brought my coffee the sheet was full.
- Yeah, but, Fanny - Enjoy your birthday.
Don't take pictures.
( Sighs ) Okay, whatever happens next, blame Fergie.
Everyone at the barre.
- Ginny: Touch it.
- No way.
Boo, you're exposed to this stuff all the time.
You work here.
Try it.
Nuh-uh, I've never seen that before.
It's fried.
How bad could it be? - So? - Can you speak? - Is it vegetable? - It's probably clams.
Mel, just form words go on words.
'Cause there's lots of clams back there.
I think she's trying to say something.
I think she's signaling for a mercy killing.
Is her face turning a weird color? Okay, whatever.
So be at my house at 7:00 tonight.
The movie starts at 10:00.
And your parents will definitely be gone? My mom has an out-of-town conference she's dragging my dad along.
We're looking at $60 food allowance and complete freedom till Sunday night.
I love the movie truck hitting different towns on different nights.
It's so Bohemian.
And Charlie's going, right? Yeah, Mel, did your idiot brother get us tickets yet? - I don't think she can talk.
- Just nod your head yes or no.
It's rated "R.
" Are they checking I.
D.
s? It's a movie inside a truck.
I think they're just checking pulses.
- I thought you wanted to go.
- Sasha: I do, I'm just saying I don't think we need an elaborate plan or disguises.
- Charlie's feet! - Okay, we're going to need a little more.
It tastes exactly like Charlie's feet.
Okay, Appalachia, how do you know what your brother's feet taste like? Stop.
That's rhetorical.
I'm going home.
7:00 sharp.
Don't be late.
It's not bad.
I'm not scared of you.
You see this? That's a Naomi Malone.
Intimidating, right? Make it rain! - Ahhh.
- I'm sorry, you leave Vegas - then wind up on the pole? - Talia! Talia, Talia oh God, Talia! - ( Laughs ) Hi! - Hi! Hi! Hi! How's Boris? Your car? I thought you named it Kyle.
- No, that was a boyfriend.
- Kyle wasn't a car? He had Miles on him, but he was human.
Well, Boris is fine.
And I come bearing a surprise gift.
- Your last check from the show.
- Cool! Wow.
- Weird.
- Why? It's my last check, it's just it's like reality.
I'm finally realizing no more spangles in my butt crack.
That phrase has never been said so wistfully before, like ever.
- What should I do with it? Hoard it? Frame it? - Blow it? And we'll be right back with more from "the Suze Orman show.
" We're spending it every cent.
Birthday road trip and we'll come back with not even a dime left.
And since you're stripping now you're just one bachelor party away from being set.
- Road trip, yeah right.
- Yeah, right on! You know the crazy lady I live with? - Your mother-in-law? - Yeah well, the loon from loontown up and disappeared this weekend and I have to teach all her classes.
- So that's what the pole's for? - Yeah, here at Paradise dance academy we specialize in girls with daddy issues, so we start 'em young.
- So we're not road-tripping? - Mmm.
But the good news is, according to Loony, we are at the age where we don't do birthdays anymore.
- We're dead? - I guess.
Screw that.
We will always do birthdays.
- We'll just blow it out here in Paradise.
- Really? Absolutely.
We can look hot anywhere.
And consider the advantages of looking as hot as we can look in this place.
We'll knock this town on its ass and then kick it in the face if it even tries to fight back.
- Oh, I've missed you so much.
- I want to show you my place.
I have custom-made curtains.
- Get out.
- And fresh fruit in my fridge.
- Who are you? Ha.
Paradise.
Don't let the name fool you.
Seriously.
Cause it's not.
Okay, so it's quiet.
Quiet is nice for a change.
- Sure.
- What's that? - That is the surf wax store.
- What do they sell? - Surf wax.
- And? - Surf wax.
- And? - Surf wax.
- And? Surf wax.
I can keep this up as long as you can.
- Weird.
- What's weirder is that it used to be a flip-flop store, - where they sold flip-flops.
- And? - Really? - Hey, this looks interesting.
- Uh, Talia? - Oh my God! These clothes are so cute.
C'mon.
Let's start blowing that paycheck.
Whoa, there, Tex.
We can't go in there.
- Why not? - You know how in a fairy tale there's like a bridge that leads to a castle where there's a beautiful princess that's locked in a tower, but there's a crazy little troll that lives under the bridge, and in order to rescue the princess - you have to deal with the troll? - Yeah.
Welcome to Sparkles.
Where the motto is "if you're a princess, you're screwed.
" Oh my God, are those ducks on a dress? Oh, these are classic.
Michelle, do you see these? Who would think to make a dress like this? - Can I help you? - Once upon a time I was just loving the duck dress.
Oh, and this.
And this and oh my God.
Michelle, look how cute! I make everything myself and I can alter anything that doesn't fit for free.
Gold mine.
This place is a gold mine.
You haven't been in here for a while.
- Uh, I've been busy what? - ( Shrieks ) The prices! Have you seen the prices? Are these the real prices? - Yes.
- Everything.
We're buying everything.
Michelle, start grabbing stuff.
We have a lot of trying on to do before tonight.
Tonight? What's happening tonight? - It's her birthday.
- Oh.
I will have a happy birthday.
Thank you, Truly.
- What are you going to do? - Oh, we're just going to go out.
- That sounds fun.
- It's not just fun.
The way we celebrate, it's epic.
We're very into birthdays.
This purse? I'm getting two.
What's with the decapitated bear head? - I'm making a coat.
- You're kidding.
No.
Look.
That is the most disturbed thing I think you've ever done.
- Does it come in my size? - You want to try it on? - Yes.
- So where are you going to go for your birthday tonight? Oh boy.
We haven't figured that out yet.
- We usually just see where the night takes us.
( Gasps ) Remember the time we got drunk and snuck on stage with tom Jones and danced for 10 minutes before he noticed we weren't supposed to be there? Three quarters of "Delilah" and half of "What's new, pussycat?" And then that lady threw that room key and it hit you in the head and you had to go to the hospital and get three stitches.
But the doctor was really cute and he took us out to dinner afterwards.
- Dr.
Lobster.
- Dr.
Lobster.
- That had to make the top-five birthday list, right? - Number four.
- Really, what was five? - Comic-con princess Leia costume contest.
- One-two sweep.
- Right.
Number three? - Sneaking onto the plane with - Bon Jovi! - Right.
- So so right.
- Two? - Two was when I kissed George Clooney.
You kissed George Clooney? - Yeah.
- What was it like? - Like kissing George Clooney.
- And that was two? - Kissing George Clooney was two.
- Yep.
- What was one? - Oh well, one - We never talk about one.
- No, it was so monumental - That we don't want to repeat it.
- And we can't remember it.
For my last birthday Fanny took me to colonial Williamsburg.
I got a bonnet.
Oh, that sounds - Vaguely amish.
- I bet tonight's going to be really fun.
- Make sure to tell me all about it.
- When? - When we talk.
- When do we talk? - We're talking now.
- But that's 'cause she didn't understand about the troll.
You know, sometimes when you're going out, the two of you, it's nice to have another person along to keep an eye on your bag if you get up to dance or to watch the bathroom door in case you need to use the men's room? - Uh-huh? - A third person like in "Charlie's Angels.
" - There were three of them.
- Yeah, but only two stayed on the show for the entire run - so really there were two.
- There were three in the picture.
- But two in loyalty and spirit.
- But three in reality and number.
- I was thinking if you needed a third - We don't.
- I could come along - Two is fine.
and watch the men's room door for you.
- You don't want to come with us.
- Why not? - Yeah, why not? - Wow, are we so not communicating today.
- You said I need to go out with people my own age.
- Yeah, but not with me.
- You're the only person my own age that I know.
- But I'll give you 20% off of everything.
- And some free mood rings.
- I love mood rings.
- Come on, she'll be handy.
- How? Like if a button falls off or a zipper breaks, I can fix it.
Yeah, plus she's cute.
Like a purse dog.
- It'll be like having a shih tzu.
- Oh please?! ( Whispers ) Please let me be your shih tzu? Okay, but if she's coming, we have to change the whole package.
I don't know what that means, but let's do it! - I should not have worn these shoes.
- They're cute.
They're tight and they make me walk funny.
- They make you walk sexy.
- Really? - In a Hanna-Barbera kind of way.
- Huh? You'll be doing a lot of sitting.
- Woman: Tell me again that I'm crazy! - Man: You're crazy! - Woman: When I have nothing but proof on my side?! - Man: What proof? - What do we do? - I guess we knock? - Man: What are you doing? - Woman: I can't be held accountable for my actions.
- Apparently I'm crazy! No! - Man: Put that down! ( Ceramic shatters ) Man: That's Jonathan Adler, you lunatic! - You first.
- I'm not going to knock.
- We can't just stand here.
- Should we go? - What are you doing? - I'm texting Sasha.
Woman: You come over here and you say that to my face! Oh, I hope he doesn't come over here and say that to her face.
( Door opens ) Get in.
Move quickly up the stairs, do not say a word.
- Come on, Boo.
- Woman: And who, for the love of God, - needs this many throw pillows?! - Hi, Mr.
and Mrs.
Torres.
- Boo! - I didn't want to be rude.
- Ow.
- Sorry.
- Ow! - Sorry.
- Ow! - Sorry.
She's going to be sorry for the next 40 plucks.
Just issue a blanket apology and move on.
( Yelling continues ) What's up with you? I don't know why you're plucking your eyebrows if you can't take the pain.
Because Charlie is going to be there tonight and Ginny's going to make me look like Dita Von Teese.
- Wait, I am? - Aren't you? I thought I was making you look like Kat Von D.
- I thought Charlie liked Dita Von Teese.
- Who does Charlie like? - Neo from The Matrix.
- Okay, never mind.
They're almost the same person.
I'll do a combo.
Almost done, now I just need my accent color.
( Yelling continuing ) What time is it? We need to leave.
- Maybe they're not going to go out.
- Oh, they're going out.
This is a work thing.
My mother never misses a work thing.
She'd rather let her roots grow out than miss a work thing.
- Maybe gold.
- Melanie, painting your pinky another color doesn't look like an accent.
It just looks like you ran out of polish.
- I didn't invent the concept.
- Even worse you're copying someone else's moronic idea.
Wow, pleasant person, party of one.
Woman: Sasha! Come down here please! Great.
I know they fight a lot, but this one sounds bad.
- I wonder if it's about the Timothy situation.
- Must be.
- We don't know if that's true or not.
- We know.
- Everyone knows.
- Sasha's dad and Timothy Marsh are boyfriends.
- They're in love.
- Forbidden love.
- Forbidden by who? - Sasha's mom.
- Oh.
Yeah well - and now Timothy's moving away.
- And they'll never get to really be together.
- Sad.
- So so sad.
- Shh! It's quiet.
( Knocks ) ( Girls yell ) - Everybody decent? - Josh! - Boo: You scared us half to death.
- I did? - We thought you were Sasha.
- Why are you scared of Sasha? Because she's using her parents' corpses as a couch.
No, she's not.
I just saw her.
She's having a yogurt.
- She let me in.
- What are you doing here? - I brought you guys some overnight kits.
- Josh.
Nothing big, just some muffins, cookie dough, pre-loaded pez dispensers, some apples for Boo - Josh! - Two decks of cards if you want to play some canasta, cucumber eye masks pop them in the freezer for a few minutes for the best results fuzzy socks in case your feet get cold - and a DVD of "Grease.
" - Wow, you're the only person in the world whose boyfriend is basically a girl.
I meant that in a good way.
- I sure hope so.
- You have the best boyfriend ever.
- I do, don't I? - Oh my God, I love cookie dough! - It's my crack.
- You want to stay? Nope, it's girls' night out.
I am gonna either go hit a strip club or do some trig homework.
I'm still debating.
Are you sure you don't want to come to the movie with us? Bag.
Out.
What's going on down there? ( Crashes ) - My mother's redecorating.
- What does that mean besides new furniture? - It means the idiots are not going out.
- Rats! - Well, at least we have snacks.
- And fuzzy socks.
And we can watch "Grease" sing-along.
What are we, "Revenge of the nerds"? - We are going out.
- What? - How? - Look, once my mother is done wrecking the joint, she'll take her happy bye-bye pills and go lie down.
And then my father will go in the den, put on his headphones and watch old performances of his college improv group for the rest of the night.
They'll never know we're gone.
- But - no buts! Now paint it if you're gonna paint it, pluck it if you're gonna pluck it, but get your shoes and bring the bags 'cause we are going out! - Come on, Truly.
- No.
- Just let us see the dress.
- I can't.
Honey, you have to come out of the dressing room if you want to watch the men's room for us.
- I feel like a hooker.
- Then we've done our job.
Truly! Here, boy.
I'll give you a treat.
I told you we had to change the whole package.
Okay! Fine, I'm coming out.
- Wow.
You look totally doable in that.
- I do? - You do.
- You sure? This isn't some cruel hazing ritual you've concocted to humiliate me? How did we not think of concocting a cruel hazing ritual to humiliate her? - We are so off our game.
- You look great.
I do? Michelle? Angels, the mission tonight is to go out there and rock the casbah! - Whoo! - Both: Whoo! I don't know what "rock the casbah" means.
Stick with the "whoo" instinct, Truly.
- Your first impulse was right on that.
- Okay.
- Whoo! - All: Whoo! - Boo! - Sorry.
Did I screw up my eyebrows? No.
I think you look like Kat Von D.
Or Dita Von Teese.
I think I look like me with uneven eyebrows.
Don't worry, Boo.
I'm sure Charlie, like every guy in America, has very strong eyebrow-tweezing opinions.
I bet he makes all his decisions based on the tweeze.
- So are mine okay? - Sure.
Great, the princess and all her little princess friends are here.
- What's your problem? - We've been here for hours.
Really? For hours? Like you've been right here for how many hours? - Enough hours.
- You were at the house like 10 seconds ago.
And then I came here and got your tickets and then waited for you with your tickets like I told you I was going to do.
- So hand 'em over and stop bitching.
- Here, now go away.
For the rest of the night I don't know you and you don't know me.
We look identical, moron! - Boo, what are you doing? - Being invisible.
- It's what I do best.
- Can we just go inside? You officially suck! The place is full, we almost didn't find seats and the seats we do have aren't together.
I'm never doing anything for you or your friends ever again! I thought you didn't know me.
Someday, Boo, someday you will tell me what exactly you like about my brother.
Because seriously, I don't get it.
I don't think you're supposed to get it.
That would be gross.
He's right.
No seats together.
And I'll probably end up sitting next to some loser who's been lifting things all day and didn't bother to shower.
Oh my God, Debbie Downer, relax.
- We'll get four seats together.
- How? Children.
Ginny, see that seat up there next to the old guy? - Yeah? - Go up there and get him to move.
- How? - He's old.
You can probably just make water sounds and he'll have to run for the bathroom.
Mel, you go up front and be tall.
Got it, be tall.
And then? Be tall in front of people and they will switch with you - and you'll end up with Ginny.
- Brilliant.
I'll go in the back and work my way forward.
Boo, over there.
Work your way in.
Got it? Fan out and we'll meet in the middle.
Boo: Sorry sorry.
I could really really use some popcorn.
Yeah, popcorn.
Popcorn is awesome.
I'm on it.
Hi there.
I know, I'm tall.
Genes, right? The inherited ones, not the lowrise kind.
We could switch.
I don't mind.
Hi.
I was wondering if you would - What's wrong with your eyebrows? - Switch with me? Nope.
( Spits ) Yeah, I think it's about vampires.
They battle flesh-eating zombies very scary.
Especially for children and, well, anyone with a bad ticker.
- A bad what? - Ticker isn't that what you call it? Hey, I could really use a soda.
Not into older women, huh? - Why are you holding a freakin' baby? - Don't ask.
- But how - my last plan to switch seats backfired, okay? I said don't ask.
- 60? 61? - No.
No no.
Please don't make me guess how old you are.
Hey, I really could use some nachos.
- So go get some.
- Rats.
I'm gone for two seconds and you're hitting on another girl? - I'm going home.
- Wait! - At the buzzer.
Mel! - I wasn't talking to her.
- Liar! - Where's Boo? - She hasn't moved.
- She's putting down roots.
Raising a family.
- We gotta get rid of this guy.
- He's not budging for anything.
- We're so close.
- Wait, let me try something.
Excuse me, could we have your seat - so we can all sit together? - Well, sure.
- I did not think of that.
- I'll text Boo.
Charlie! Dude! A seat! Oh, um, I'll talk to you after, right? Sure.
- No way.
- Wow.
- What do I do? - Stay there.
Wait, is she still holding a baby? Somehow that doesn't surprise me at all.
- ( Gasps ) Oh my God.
- Hey Boo.
Uh, hey hi.
What's up? - Is that a baby? - No.
( Cooing ) Okay, people, who's missing a baby? - Want some? - Okay.
How is everything in this town closed by 6:00? Branson is open later Branson.
My God, even the Osmonds' dinner show doesn't start until 7:00.
I've gotta take these shoes off.
No no no.
Party rule number one: Never take your shoes off until the end of the night.
Your feet will swell and you'll never get them back on again.
Then you're the loser carrying her shoes around.
- Here's the movie truck.
- Yay, activity.
- Michelle: Are you kidding me? - Unbelievable.
- Plus ticket dude's a lady.
- Can't even seduce our way in.
- Just our luck.
- We could bribe her.
- With what money? - With the money you were gonna use for my fabulous birthday dinner.
And there's my check.
- It's gone.
- Talia.
- We spent it at sparkles.
- What did we buy? My outfit, your outfit, Truly's outfit.
- Truly owns the store! - It was a gift.
It's not a gift unless you buy it for the person.
So you're buying gifts for Truly from her own store, but you're not buying me dinner? She's standing right there and you're making her feel bad.
- And look how cute she looks.
- Okay fine.
Sorry, Truly.
- Enjoy it.
- There's a back.
- Wait, Truly, what? - There's a back door and it's propped open.
- We could just sneak in.
- Look at you, acting all grown up and figuring out how to sneak in places, wearing short dresses and acting age-appropriate.
I'm so proud of you.
( Screams, chainsaw roaring ) I look away for one second - and he's got a pile of salami.
- No, the guy with no arms had arms a minute ago.
They're on the side there, see? The effects aren't super great, so it kind of looks like salamis.
If I had a nickel for every arm ( Laughs ) You're funny.
( Screaming, maniacal laughter ) ( Chainsaw roaring ) ( Sighs ) - We're leaning against a wall.
- It's cool.
- Yeah, it's something.
- It's been a long time - since I've stood in back and watched a movie.
- Wait.
Truly Frances Abigail Dominica III, did you sneak booze into this movie truck? I stole it from Sam's desk at Sparkles.
I worship you.
- Woo! - Woo! - Crowd: Shhh! - ( Softly ) Woo.
- Hey, what is this called? - "Mountain of arms.
" "Mountain of arms"? As in someone builds a ( Chainsaw roars ) Mountain of arms.
- We got to go.
- What? It's 11:40.
My house alarm sets at midnight and it doesn't go back off until 6:00 A.
M.
- We need to get Boo.
- I'll do it.
- What? - Michelle is here.
( Crowd groans ) Oh my God, it's another arm.
It's like ed wood! It's like someone literally went to a warehouse - looked around, saw 50,000 arms and thought, "done"! - Tank top! - Drink.
- Hey, we should make a movie.
"Skyscraper of teeth"! "Ziggurat of legs"! - "The tower of torsos.
" - Yes! "Tower of torsos"! Hey, Talia was in a movie called that.
It was called "Blood Dungeon Two.
" Same thing.
And she took her top off.
- Really? - Which is why I was killed in the first scene.
- First boobs equals first kill.
- What killed you? I have no idea.
I don't think anyone knew exactly, but it was large, it glowed and I slept with it after we wrapped.
( Chuckles ) - She'll tell madame Fanny.
- Maybe she won't.
- We could sneak past her.
- She's 18 feet tall, she's totally going to see us.
- Well, is she a narc? - She doesn't look narc-y to me.
She could be a covert narc, like she acts like she's your friend, you hang out and do narc-able things with them, and then you go home and you've been totally narced.
- So what do we do? - We wait for the movie to be over and they leave, then we run back to my house.
( Chainsaw rumbles ) - I think his chainsaw died.
- Excellent.
I thought it was really poetic how the killer cut off his own arms to finish the mountain, but then there was no way of getting them to the top.
( Laughs ) Okay, someone get Boo so we can go.
- Found her.
- Excellent.
- Wait! - Michelle: Boo! "Mountain of arms"! Oh my God, right? "Mountain of arms"! Oh my God.
- ( Whispering ) Did she see us? - I don't think she saw anything.
- We have to leave.
- I have to thank Charlie for the tickets.
- Boo.
- Charlie! - Hey.
- She's trying to kill me.
11:55, how fast can we all run? That's it, I'm getting her.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Boo! - Hi, I just wanted to thank you for the - Oh, gimme your hand.
My phone died and my hands are greasy - from the popcorn.
- Oh.
- Text me that when you get home, okay? - Okay.
- Come on! - I can't look.
What does it say? - "Shari" and then Shari's number.
- Who's Shari? - That's Shari.
- That's totally what Dita Von Teese looks like.
We definitely didn't get that right, Boo.
Sorry.
Yeah, it's a real tragedy.
Let's move! Truly: Wait, where are we? Talia: More importantly, where did we park? We parked near a tree that looks like a hobbit.
All the trees here look like hobbits.
I like that word "hobbit.
" Hobbit.
It has a nice in-my-mouth-feel when I say it h-hobbit.
Oh, there's my car! I'm thinking we should walk home.
- Or sleep here.
- Yes, sleep is genius.
I could take off my shoes and start sleeping.
No! You said we would stay up all night and it hasn't been all night, - so you can't take your shoes off.
- But I wanna.
- Me too.
- Cupcake A.
T.
M.
! - Truly? - Did you say "cupcake A.
T.
M.
"? I read about it.
In Los Angeles there is a pink A.
T.
M.
And it dispenses all kinds of cupcakes 24 hours a day.
( Squeaks ) Who is she? I have no idea, but I like her.
Problem is we made Mr.
Tom Collins go bye-bye, all empty.
And I may have drunk all the bitters.
- I'm sober.
- Unpossible.
You matched us drink for drink.
Yes, and then I spit it back in the bottle.
- Oh my God! - I'm not a drinker.
- Back in the bottle?! - Seriously, that's disgusting.
But it's a good thing 'cause I can drive, so we can go get A.
T.
M.
cupcakes, right? Back in the bottle? ( Groans ) Uhh yeah ha.
Okay.
- Cupcakes! - Whoo-hoo! Boo: It's 12:15 no, 12:16.
- Sasha: It is? - Yes, I've been yelling that at you - for the past three blocks.
- I thought you were saying "run faster.
" "12:15" doesn't sound anything like run faster.
- It's blinking red.
- Damn it! - Can we turn the alarm off? - From the inside.
- Let's do that.
- Yeah, Mel, let's do that.
Everyone think real hard and use all your psychic powers to turn the alarm off.
Are you doing it? Okay? Is it working? No? Really? Shocking.
- Sorry.
- I knew we'd get caught if we snuck out.
Just lemme figure this out.
Over here! - There.
- Yes? - We'll get up there and climb in.
- Oh okay, - lemme get my catapult.
- If there was a tree to climb maybe.
Or a mountain of arms.
We can make a mountain of arms and climb up that.
The car, you idiots.
We'll climb up the car.
- That's never going to work.
- Boo, Boo.
Okay.
- C'mon - Yeah, talk to the window, that will help.
You know what? I'm trying to save us all from lectures and groundings, so you can either help or shut it! - Did you grow in the last 10 seconds? - No, I'm gonna jump.
Oh okay, this I'm gonna wanna get on video.
( Crashes ) Oh my God! Don't wake my parents up! - I had an idea.
- You did.
- None of you had ideas.
- This is true.
I could ( Laughter continues ) All righty then.
Do you remember that James Bond movie where they spray-painted that girl gold and then she suffocated 'cause all her pores were clogged? - Yes.
- That is going to happen to me, but in reverse.
Frosting is going to clog my pores from the inside out.
I will stop breathing and colored sprinkles will shoot out my nose.
- How many did you eat? - Oh my God.
- This many.
- This many.
- Ohhh.
- You could always out-eat me.
- You could always out-dance me.
- Yeah well, that was then.
Arms.
- Frosted arms.
- Oh God, please tell me she remembers her dreams.
Look, she kept her heels on the whole night.
- The student surpasses the teacher.
- So on the birthday scale? This one definitely cracked the top 10.
- Really? Wow.
- Not the top five, but I think it knocked out the time that we broke into that temple and skinny-dipped in the Mitzvah baths.
So how does it feel getting older? Fantastic.
I like getting older.
Some women say they don't, but me, I feel like every time a part of me sags lower to the ground, an angel gets its wings.
- It's nice you're still drunk.
- I think it's the bitters.
- Oh, last one.
- Split it.
- Mmm, 60/40? - Fine.
- A cupcake A.
T.
M.
- A 24-hour cupcake A.
T.
M.
What a country.
Mmm.
- It's sweet.
- Mmm.
It's supposed to be sweet.
It's a cupcake.
- No.
I mean this.
- What? This place, this town, your pad.
- You have a gazebo.
- Fanny has a gazebo.
Your ass is sitting in it right now.
- True, very true.
- I love it here.
- You do? - Don't you? You know, this was supposed to be a whole different thing here.
This was supposed to be a whole different life.
I was supposed to be married a sadie.
I was supposed to have a husband - and we were supposed to - To what? I don't know be really happy.
Now I don't know what the plan is.
You can't be really happy here without being a sadie? - So next year - Uh-huh, mm-hmm.
- for my birthday - I promise I will be more prepared.
- I'll do some planning.
- Okay.
I'll check out what's going on in the other towns.
- Is there more to Solvang than windmills? - There's not.
I'll check out Carmel, scope out the night life in Los Olivos, see what the kids are up to in Carpinteria.
And I'll see if I can't liven this place up a little bit before then.
If anybody can Three more minutes.
Boy, those two can sleep in any position, can't they? Boo? - Oh jeez.
- Hey! - Pathetic.
- No, don't! Forget him, Boo.
You'll meet someone else just as dumb, driving just as crappy a car any day now.
- I was supposed to text that to him.
- And then what? - And then he would thank me.
- And after he thanks you for texting him some other girl's number, then what? I just like him.
I know.
You're probably right though.
I know.
Look one more time and the hand goes too.
So I got my letter today From the Joffrey.
- The official invitation.
- Oh.
Yeah.
Well, you knew that was coming.
It wasn't 100%.
So are you going to go? I'm certainly not going to stick around here all summer.
- What did your parents say? - I'll tell them when I get back.
- Sasha.
- Look, they won't even notice I'm gone.
- Trust me.
- You can't just up and leave.
I'll leave a note on the throw pillows.
- But - it's time.
C'mon! Let's move it! - Dad? - Huh? I stayed out all night and wrecked mom's car.
Good night.
( Footsteps ascending ) ( Folk music playing ) Istanbul was Constantinople now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople been a long time gone, Constantinople now it's Turkish delight on a moonlit night every gal in Constantinople lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople so if you've a date in Constantinople she'll be waiting in Istanbul even old New York was once New Amsterdam why they changed it I can't say people just liked it better that way so take me back to Constantinople no, you can't go back to Constantinople been a long time gone, Constantinople why did Constantinople get the works? that's nobody's business but the Turks ( Vocalizing ) - Istanbul - Istanbul so take me back to Constantinople no, you can't go back to Constantinople been a long time gone, Constantinople why did Constantinople get the works? that's nobody's business but the Turks Istanbul!