Burnistoun (2009) s01e06 Episode Script

1 All right, mate? All right, Peter, man.
How you doin'? I'm no' bad, Scott.
I'm going to cut to the chase here, mate.
The boys are wanting me tae have a wee word with you.
Oh, aye? Sounds ominous.
Just about some o' this patter you've been hittin' oot wi' when you've been in the pub wi' us.
- Ma patter? - Aye.
Well, I mean, I know we're no' gangsters or anything like that, right, but people know no' to mess.
Some of this new patter you've been using is making us look a bit dolly.
Who's sayin' we're dolly? You send them to the MC Bumslap and I'll lay a heavy beat doon on their buttocks, man.
Aye, see, that's the kinda thing I'm talkin' about, really.
What's wrang wi' sayin' buttocks? It's just the wrang kinda word for guys like us.
So who gets to say buttocks? I don't know, mate, but no' us.
That guy mouthin' off in the pub the other day, and you told him that you were the King of Skelpy Bum Mountain, and you were gonnae redden his rump.
That's good patter, mate.
Skelpy Bum Mountain is not good patter, mate.
Well, a guy's no' gonnae like it when the Botty Thrash Master crimsons his cheeks, is he? What's wi' all the arse skelping stuff, for one thing? - It embarrasses the guy.
- It embarrasses us! Oh, is that right? Aye, so you're going to censor me? I'm just tellin' ye.
So what patter d'ye want me to use, then? If a guy's out of order doon the pub, tell him, "Get oot the pub or yer gettin' it.
" Don't tell him that Prince Buttock Lash is gonnae make his bottom blush or any of that rubbish.
You're gettin' it.
You're gettin' leathered.
- Get oot, or I'll boot yer baws.
- Aye.
That's cos it's the established lingo o' threatenin' a guy, in't it? These are the phrases we agreed on when it came to warning a guy.
I never agreed on it.
We need tae widen the scope o' our language.
The guys doon the pub might act like they respect us, but do you know what they say aboot us on way hame? What? They're saying they guys lack creativity in their verbal threats.
Naebody has ever even thought that, ya muppet.
Noo, you're gonnae end up sittin' in that pub by yersel', mate, you've been warned.
Warned, aye? Well, see the next time I threaten a guy, I'm gonnae tell him that Big Billy Bum Scud is gonnae blacken his bum cheeks.
Don't make that guy be you, Peter.
Me? So what's the matter with you? The Archduke Bollock Bash blootered his berries.
- What? - He kicked us in the baws.
My new creation is inspired by a Scottish style that fell out of fashion.
Kagerfeld's autumn collection showcases a new style of headwear for his fashion-forward followers.
Le poly bag on le man's heid.
But now I make it my own.
I make it very chic.
Non, non, le poly bag must roll up so, it must sit across the brow, the rain will gather above, and it will look very chic.
Beautiful, oui? Will you look at some material samples now? Oui.
This is a beautiful Pound Shop poly bag.
Non.
Idiot.
The seam is all wrong, la, non.
This is a lunchtime bakery poly bag.
Lunch tame bakkerie? Eh, oui, for you, know, er pasties and lunchtime meat.
How you say Meaty beef pies? Non, non, meat shaped like a cocoon? A bridie.
A mutton bridie.
Eh, oui, a bridie.
Ah, oui, like a leetle, uh, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet.
No, a bridie.
A meaty mutton bridie? - Oh, bridie! - Oui.
Non, non, I 'ate this bag.
Well, OK, we also have this beautiful poly bag, Richie Stroke, Burnistoun Butcher.
This is That is the poly bag.
Alors.
La.
Et voilà! Davie, your thoughts on today's game.
Well, we dominated again, but, you know, we havenae scored.
I know the fans will say we need a top class striker, but the reality we've got to face here at Burnistoun United is that the Wayne Rooneys of this world willnae come and play in Scotland.
I'm sure most of them would.
What do you mean? Well, you might not get the one who plays with Manchester United, but all the other Wayne Rooneys of this world would be delighted to earn 20 grand a week, I'm sure.
But then again, how many of the Wayne Rooneys of this world, bar the one who plays with Man U, would actually be good enough to play at this level? And how would you decide between all these Wayne Rooneys? Would you trial them? There's thousands of them.
I mean, where would they all live? Would you have to set up a Wayne Rooneys village near the training centre? Or were you just pluralising the names of football players for absolutely no reason again? I'll tell you something.
Don't (BLEEP) ever offer me that again.
What is it? I know, I'm sorry.
I mean, this is the reason we came here, is it no'? To get away frae the city, to get away frae everybody we know.
- To be ourselves.
- Don't dress it up.
We're cheating on our wives here.
What if somebody saw us? Look, Margaret and your Carol are back in Burnistoun.
We're safe here.
Gimme your haun.
Dermot! James! What are you doing here? Saw what you were doing there.
Shakin' hands on a wee business deal, eh? Aye, aye, that's what it was.
Ah, well, good luck to you, boys, nice to see you.
Jesus.
What're the bloody chances? He doesnae know our wives, does he? Naw.
God, I hope no'.
Dermot! Dermot, big yin.
All right, Billy? Here, he's been talking all week about a dirty weekend.
Are you it? Ha, ha, only kidding you on! No, but where is your missus, but? She's back in Burnistoun.
- We're here on business.
- Excuse me, just a wee request.
I was cleaning your room, and I noticed youse had pushed your two single beds together.
Just wondering if you can separate them later, as you're blocking an air vent.
OK.
Sorry.
Hang on, are you Margaret Hunter's man? My wee cousin Margaret, aye? - You're related? - Aye.
What were youse pushing the beds together for? Aye, what are youse pushing the beds together for? We werenae.
We were just trying to clear a bit of space to have a brainstorming session.
Aye.
An arse-storming session, by the sounds of it.
Don't be silly.
We're married men.
Just bammin' you up.
Dermot? How strange I should bump into you here.
Is this where you bring all your one-night stands? Who is this? What's he talking aboot, one-night stands? - He's naebody.
- Nobody? Don't you dare slap my grandson across the face.
- Granda? - Yes.
I'm here on a fishing trip.
I'll get a photo of all of us and send it to your wives.
Congratulations! You two are our 1,000th couple.
We're no' a couple.
We're here on business.
But the BBC News are here to cover the story.
So, how about a little kiss, then, boys, eh? Time for the fireworks! - What can I do for you, darlin'? - Can I just have one of your poly bags? Ehaye.
Sure.
What can I do for you, fella? Are you Richie Stroke? Aye, that's me, Richie Stroke.
Burnistoun Butcher at your service.
I can see we're gonnae have a wee problem here.
Aye? Why's that? Because I'm the Burnistoun Butcher.
Have you got a butcher's shop an' all? Where ye set up? No, no, no, I'm no' an actual butcher, but that's what they call me.
They call me The Burnistoun Butcher.
Who calls you that? Oh, your customers, you mean? No, no.
The polis call me that.
The papers call me that.
Aye, the papers call me that as well.
Got an advert in the Herald every Tuesday.
Yer really no' gettin' me here.
Look.
Look what I've got here.
Aye, I've got one o' them an' all, son.
It's for choppin' up beef.
How long have you been a butcher? You sound new to this game.
Look, I'm no' a butcher, look.
- How do you think this happened? - Hoo hoo hoo! Rookie butcher error, son.
Forgot to put yer apron on before you opened the shop? I don't have a shop, right? Everything I need I keep up here.
Aye, I love my wee butcher's hat an' all, I know what you mean, know what you mean.
Naw, naw, naw, no' my butcher's hat.
I'm no' a butcher.
But you just said you were.
I am a butcher, I am a butcher, I'm just I'm no' the kind of butcher you think I am.
Oh.
You're one o' thae organic butchers.
Naw, naw, I'm no' a butcher I am a butcher.
Just listen, right? You'd better stop callin' yersel' the Burnistoun Butcher, or you'll be in trouble.
Don't threaten me wi' lawyers, son.
I've been the Burnistoun Butcher for years.
Think you're going to open a new butcher's shop using ma name? It's you that'd better be worried about gettin' sued.
I'm no' a butcher, right?! I'm an actual butcher.
I mean, I'm no' a butcher butcher.
Ah, tae hell wi' you.
You'll be hearin' aboot me.
Aye, hearin' aboot yer pies no' havin' any meat in 'em, nae doubt.
I see the Burnistoun Butcher's struck again.
Aye? Oh, God, what's he done now? Only gone and reduced his ashet pies to 50p a pop.
Buckin' joke, man.
Well now, well now, we all had a good laugh at the charity ball last night, when Mr Coughlin's wife Marge complained about having pins and needles in her feet.
What did she expect? Every hour Mr Coughlin is in London, she spends with her legs in the air, yes, having sex with men.
Well now, well now, I wonder if Mr Brogue has considered the possibility that the reason none of his constituents are using the cycle lanes he had installed at great cost is because they're all too busy riding the local bike, his wife, Mrs Brogue? Yes, yes.
Bike in the sexual sense.
Well now, well now, on a day when Mr Coughlin is trying so hard to charm the trade unions, one wonders if he realises what his own wife Marge has in common with those trade unions? And what would that be? They've both spent years being shafted by Tories.
Yes, shafted with the shaft of the male genitalia indeed.
Well now, well now, shafted, is it? Isn't it ironic that while the MSP for Burnistoun North was doing his damnedest to shut the Burnistoun coal mines, his good wife had so many helmets in her own mineshaft? Yeah, jerry helmets, I'm talking about.
Yeah.
With respect to our German friends in the EU.
Well now, well now, likewise, on a day when Mr Coughlin has spent so long talking about the military, one wonders if he understands the difference between his wife, Marge, - and the Taliban fighters in Afghanistan.
- What? His wife likes missiles in her cave.
Well now - Well now - Well now, it looks like Mr Coughlin has run out of patter, much like his government has run out of ideas! Order! Order! I refer the honourable gentleman to the slaggings I handed out earlier.
- Ladies' night.
- Ladies' night.
Kelly's idea.
Can I still come in? - You a lady? - Do I have to be one? Nae clues.
- Are ye a lady? - Naw.
Ladies' night.
- So I'm no' allowed in? - Naw.
But the pub's empty.
- Aye.
It's empty o' men.
- Naw, it's empty o' everybody bar you, and you're a man.
I'm no' a man.
I'm a bar man.
Am I going to have to go hame and put a dress on? It's ladies' night, no' trannies night.
- How come you can stay but I cannae? - I just telt ye.
I'm behind the bar.
- I'm staff.
- Gie us a job, then.
All right? What can we all get fer youse? Hello there.
I'm Dougie Flapps, this is my brother Duggie Flapps.
We're frae Dougie And Duggie Flapps Dug Flaps And Flat Caps.
You phoned us about buying some flat caps.
A dug flap, I was looking for.
Luckily Dougie And Duggie Flapps Dug Flaps And Flat Caps also sell dug flaps as well as flat caps.
Come in.
Can I interest you in some flat caps while I'm here? No, thanks.
There's a 50% discount on flat caps for every dug flap purchased with a flat cap frae Dougie And Duggie Flapps Dug Flaps And Flat Caps.
No, thanks.
So, is this an access door here? - Aye.
- An' is it a real dug you've got? A labrador.
Right, well, imagine my brother is a labrador.
Grease that floor up a bit, Duggie.
Picture this.
Big labrador dug runnin' towards your back door, trying to get in the hoose.
Show him, Duggie.
Now, imagine my brother's heid was made o' dug, and he never had a flat cap on.
He'd be deid.
You all right, pal? Let's be honest, my brother cannae run as fast as a labrador dug can run.
I'm the only one that can do that.
So, let's see what happens at full dug speed.
Oot the way, Duggie.
You all right? Ohoh! Phew, that's a concussion shot, that.
Your labrador is lucky to be alive wi' a door that hard.
What you need, sir, is a dug flap.
I've already told you I want a dug flap.
Ye don't have to convince me.
You might have pointed that out before the demonstration, instead of trying to buy flat caps.
I never mentioned anything aboot flat caps.
That was you.
Right, OK, OK.
So where do you want your dug flap? In the ceiling, in the window? In the door.
And you realise we need to make a hole in the door for the dug flap to be effective? You cannae have a dug flap withoot a hole.
Some people do, sir.
I mean, let's take, for example that frying pan.
Now, let's say this is a dug flap.
And we've installed it in your door.
Do your dug, Duggie.
That frying pan could be your brain if you're planning on running heid first into doors wi' nae flat cap.
I'm no' planning on running into any doors.
- So who's yer dug flap fer? - The dug.
I'm no' interested in any flat caps, or even cat flaps.
I just want Who said anything about cat flaps? - Cat flaps? - Cat flaps? - Cat flaps? - Cat flaps? Cat flaps? We're Dougie and Duggie Flapps Dug Flaps and Flat Caps.
No' Dougie and Duggie Flapps Dug Flats and Cat Flaps, although I have got their card.
Just gie 'em a wee ring, and they'll sort yer labrador out with a nice penthouse apartment.
Sit down, Jeremy.
We've had a few complaints from your colleagues about your behaviour in the office, Jeremy.
Really? What did they say? They said you've been acting inappropriately towards the female staff.
They said that about me-e-e-e? Yes.
They said you've been making sexually suggestive remarks.
They said that about me-e-e-e? What are you doing there, exactly? - What do you mean? - That stupid voice.
Oh.
Oh, that's ma thing.
Sorry, I didn't mean tae exasperate ye.
Yes, well, it's always awkward dealing with things like this, but I have to take it very seriously when my staff say that someone is out of line.
They said that about me-e-e-e? Right.
Would you care to explain this carry-on? But that's me.
That's ma character, that's what I do.
Every week, somebody tells me that somebody said something about me, and I just go They said that about me-e-e-e? What do you mean, it's your character? That's the defining aspect of me as a person.
Every single week since as long ago as I can remember, somebody comes up to me and tells me that somebody said something about me, and I just go they said that about me-e-e-e? What sort o' defining characteristic is that, exactly? Well, how can I help maself with a surname like mine? Look at my file.
People like it.
I doubt it.
Well, you don't like it.
You get exasperated at me saying it.
But other people like it.
Other people like it when you get exasperated at me saying it.
No, other people say you drive them up the wall as well, Jeremy.
They said that about me-e-e-e? Will you stop saying that? I'm sorry, I promise, I'll never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever say it again.
Good.
Now, back to the matter at hand.
Your colleagues have said Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah Ah, what? See? That's ma other thing.
Even when I'm not saying it, it's the anticipation of me inevitably saying it again that people like.
- That's why I'm so popular.
- You're far from popular, Jeremy.
- Your colleagues have said - See? The anticipation, can you feel it? No, I can't feel it.
I can feel it building up! Here it comes, can you feel it? No, no, no.
Here it comes, I can feel it, this is it, this is it! I won't stand for any more of this, Jeremy.
You're in big trouble here.
Your colleagues have said I should fire you.
They said that about me-e-e e-e-e-e-e-e e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e e-e-e-e-e-e-e e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e Are you between 18 and 24? Are you a stunning looking lassie? Then why not prank your pals with the funniest prank ever? Kid on you're going oot wi' me, Davey McGroggan.
Your pals willnae believe it when you come swanning in the door with smelly old Davey McGroggan on your arm.
Old pishy drawers hisself.
It's the funniest prank ever done.
Fora low, low price of only ten quid a night I'll even make it realistic.
I'll winch ye and all that Tongues and everything.
Hauns everywhere.
It's hilarious.
Look at her pals.
They cannae believe she's going oot with manky Davey McGroggan frae Burnistoun Flats.
I wouldnae believe it masel if you told me.
It's magic.
Only a fiver, four quid, even a quid'll dae.
Listen to these testimonials.
He was pure smelling.
I mean, I had an ear infection once and it was pure disgustin', and he smelt like that.
Oh, I'm gonnae boak.
I cannae believe she's going out wi' that smelly old Davey McGroggan.
I nearly spewed.
He's got flies buzzin' round his baws.
Urgh! Urgh! Why no' go for the ultimate prank? Nothin' brings families together like a good laugh.
Prank your da by lettin' him catch ye gettin' shagged by smelly old Davey McGroggan, whose hoose is full o' deid dugs.
Oh, no! Davey McGroggan! You and this jakey tramp under ma roof? This smelly alky bastard? Get oot, ya wee hoor! Don't miss out We're booked up until 2012.
Get on the waitin' list A Davey McGroggan prank It's the best idea lever thought o'.
Hiya.
My name's Kelly McGlade, just aboot to have a meetin' wi' my shitey band mates.
Tell them we're breaking up.
I'm going solo.
Listen, I brought youse here today to gie you some bad news.
It's just gonnae be me frae noo on, pleasin' masel.
Oh, that's a shame.
D'ye want a lend o' my rabbit? I mean I'm goin' solo.
Pleasing masel music-wise.
I'm breakin' up the band.
Nae tears, nae tears, nae tears, nae tears.
Youse have had a good run.
Youse can go back to yer job in the tottie scone factory wi' yer heids held high.
Well, as high as ye can haud yer heids wi' the amount o' make-up you got plastered on them.
But ye need us.
We're eye candy.
They call me the Rihanna of Burnistoun.
Excuse me? The Rihanna of Burnistoun? - Mair like the piana of Burnistoun.
- Piana? Aye, cos at parties guys all staun round ye while somebody has a shot.
Look, it's over.
I'm no' gonnae be able to make it carryin' youse two on ma back.
We'll stop drinkin'.
I don't mean literally carryin' youse on ma back, although that's a problem an' all.
I mean talent-wise.
I mean, look at me.
I'm magnificent.
And nae offence to youse two, but if I rolled a bottle o' WKD past any street corner, there'd be a dozen o' youse chasin' after it.
You said you were gonnae get us oot o' Burnistoun.
How can I take youse oot o' Burnistoun? I cannae take youse anywhere.
Remember that time we stayed in that hotel? Youse didnae just steal the towels, you stole the interior decorating.
I couldnae believe it.
I was like, are these two lassies gonnae win me a Grammy? These two lassies steamin' a border aff the wall wi' an iron? It was a nice border.
There was that time at that restaurant wi' the talent scout.
And Emma goes into her fake Radley for some lipstick, and pulls oot Oh, my God! A used condom, while the talent scout's eatin' his semolina.
And doesnae apologise fer bein' so disgusting.
Naw, decides to turn it into a mid-dinner anecdote like a sexually promiscuous Peter Ustinov.
- I don't even know who that is.
- Exactly! Youse don't know anything! That's how I need to get rid o' youse.
Youse are too stupit to survive in this business.
Youse probably think a castin' couch is where yer Granny sits to dae her knittin'.
Away and show yersels oot, ya pair o' wee tramps.
Breaks yer heart, dun't it? Well, this is ma new manager's hoose.
I'm away in tae meet him for the first time, so we can plan oot ma solo career.
He doesnae want any cameras in for some reason, so I suppose this is cheerie-bye, thanks for followin' ma story.