Californication s01e06 Episode Script

- My name is Hank.
- I know.
This is Mia, Bill's daughter.
And this is Hank.
- You know each other? - No.
- I am 16, you know.
- So I've been told.
I got to ask you a favor.
I was supposed to be the guest speaker at Mia's school, but I have to go out of town.
They're very young.
Say that again slower this time.
My fleshy T.
A.
didn't hear you.
Just be careful of him and those of his ilk.
Hank Moody, as I live and breathe, are you looking out for me? - Back to work.
- Yes, sir.
Anything you want to tell me about, captain? Please.
I'm a married man.
In this past life of ours, was I mean? You weren't mean, no.
But you can be pretty hard on people.
- I wish it was different.
- And so do I.
Do you know anything about wine? Wine is fine, but whiskey is quicker.
"Suicide is slow with liquor.
" Sabbath.
Close Ozzy, solo.
But nice try.
Thanks That stuff will kill you.
Life will kill you.
That's heavy.
It will make sense.
Taking it in.
Let it sink in.
Here you go.
No, no.
I can't let you do that.
Unless you've got some "fuck you" money stashed up your whosie-whatsit, you're shit out of places to look.
So just take it.
- You're sweet.
- It's my pleasure.
And cute.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
What? It's a damsel in distress.
I love all women.
I love you.
I'll make a run at you, crusty.
I will.
- I fucking love vinyl.
- Yeah, it just sounds better.
It's warmer, right? It's just human.
You're just an analog guy in a digital world, aren't you? I might steal that.
What is your name, by the way? Wouldn't you rather just fuck me and never know? Oh, fuck.
who says romance is dead? Oh, shit.
You again? Fuck me.
- All right, sure.
why not? - Stop it.
I've been robbed.
- Save the drama for your mama.
- She stole my guitar and my records.
My records! Oh, the humanity! Who did this? - I don't know.
some girl.
- She let you have access to the most intimate of her areas, she didn't give you her name? Well, it seemed like a pretty fair trade-off at the time.
What do you want? I don't know.
Peace in the Middle East, a 2 h orgasm, a few pages of your lesser work.
That is not possible.
There is no such thing as a 2 h orgasm or my lesser work.
You're shit out of luck.
Yes No, if you want lesser work, just write something yourself.
- I can't.
I'm lazy.
- I'll say.
- I'll cry rape.
- No, you won't.
How do you know? 'Cause you enjoy torturing me too much.
- That's true.
- Okay, listen, you just write something Anything Okay, and I will help you with it.
- I'll give you notes.
- Really? - You'd do that for me? - Of course.
Why wouldn't I? My own father hasn't even so much as offered to help me with my homework, so You know, as much as I love to hear about Bill's failings as a parent, I do not like to be compared to him in the same sentence.
It creeps me out.
Given that you've been inside of me and all? Something like that, okay.
Now, you're a smart little sociopath.
I'm sure you can put two sentences together.
Now scram.
You wanted me? You know, I dropped an Advil on the floor earlier and couldn't find it.
I thought maybe you could crawl around and look for it.
Whatever you say, boss.
Go slowly.
I don't want you to miss anything.
Yes, boss.
Maybe I should look more closely.
Poor you.
your head must be throbbing.
It is actually, a bit.
- Anybody home? - Hey, baby! Hi, baby.
Good afternoon, Mrs.
Runkle.
Dani? What's going on? I dropped an Advil on the floor earlier and couldn't find it.
I looked myself, you know.
And then my back just Found it! Thank you, Dani.
That's an Advil.
You can take lunch.
I'll just eat something at my desk.
It was nice to see you, Mrs.
Runkle.
She's like your little slave, that one.
You want to get lunch? I'd rather get laid.
Excuse me? I want to change things up a little bit.
I used to come by for nooners all the time when you were at CAA.
Yeah, well, that was CAA.
everybody was fucking everybody.
Besides, Dani's right outside, there.
Even better.
Come on.
I'll lap-dance you if you throw me 20 bucks.
You're already halfway there.
That's it.
That's it, baby.
But take your time.
Take your time.
Take your Maybe I'll hit Nordstrom's.
All right, testing, testing, 1, 2.
Good.
You're on time, as usual.
This chick stole my t-shirt my favorite t-shirt.
- Just seat.
- The "Keith Richards President" one.
The one I got you at that little poutiquey place? - I love that.
- I know.
I'm sad about it.
Why did she steal your t-shirt? - You really want to know? - Good point.
Ladies and gentlemen, from Venice, California, please welcome Kill Jill! Are you crying? Shut up.
They're allergies.
We should do this more often.
I'm not deluded or anything.
I know you guys aren't gonna live happily ever after.
It's just nice to be together sometimes.
As long as you don't hate each other, I don't see what the big deal is.
Oh, you know this could be uncle Charlie.
So I'm gonna just - Yes.
- You have to come get me.
No, I can't do that.
I'm a little busy right now.
Asshole, you have to.
I'm in trouble.
What kind of trouble? Remember my teacher? He's coked out of his mind, he's trying to get me into a threesome.
- Jesus.
Fuck.
- I can't call Karen 'cause she'll tell my dad, and I'll be in a world of shit.
Don't you have friends who can come get you, - one with a fucking learner's permit? - Aren't you my friend, Hank? - In a word, no.
- Ok, whatever.
Don't worry about it.
I'll figure it out myself.
Get the fuck off me, you asshole! Hold on, where are you? You wanna go to the movies with us, dad? Oh, would that I could, but it turns out that was bald old uncle Charlie.
He's going through a rough patch, and he kind of needs a friendly ear, so Uncle Charlie, huh? Just an ear? Nothing else? Do you think I'd rather be anywhere else? Moody! Hank fucking moody! You came! What the fuck is up, my brother from another mother? Where is she? Mia? I don't know.
She said she was gonna call you.
- Glad you could make it, mofro.
- You were expecting me? Yeah, we thought you might want to partake.
Line? Let's go.
Where are you going? I was hoping you'd want to get in on this action.
Get in on what action? You and me and Betty and Veronica here make 3.
Well, 4, actually.
I'm sorry.
My bad.
I'm fucking snow-blind right now.
- You need to get out of the way.
- OK! You're a one-on-one kind of guy.
Tap that ass, dude.
Go for it.
Hey, you've got to drink the nectar, right? One more word And I put you through that fucking wall.
Would you read something of mine sometime? That's good.
Fine.
Give me the silent treatment.
- See where it gets you.
- What were you thinking? I wanted out of there.
- You weren't in trouble.
- Sure I was.
I was in danger of being bored to death.
- You cried wolf.
- So? Maybe I just wanted to see you.
Did you ever think that maybe I did not want to see you? Never entered my mind.
You enjoy the banter too much.
What I was enjoying was spending time with my daughter.
- And Karen? - Yes, and Karen.
- Don't enjoy it too much, pal.
- Why not? Because she's marrying my father.
You don't even like the guy.
What do you care? Yeah, maybe he's not much of a parental figure.
It doesn't mean I don't wanna see him happy.
And she makes him happy, Hank.
Captain fantastic.
But the question is does he make her happy? That's what you really want to know.
Why can't you just ask me? - Why don't you just fuck off? - Come on.
What do you think? In your heart or hearts, what's your best guess? I don't know.
Thanks for the ride.
How's uncle Charlie? I just came by to say goodnight to our little Courtney Love in training.
Well, she went to celebrate with her band mates.
Will you please tell her that I will call her first thing in the morning? Yes, I will.
Whoa, she was a She was good tonight, huh? - I know.
She was incredible.
- And we made that.
You made it.
- You helped, like, a teeny bit.
- I give you that.
All right.
I apologize.
Good night.
Do you want to come in for a drink? So, uh, did Dani say anything to you about our little afternoon session? Well, I mean, even if she heard, it's not like I talk about my love life with my assistant.
Although, I have to say when you said that thing about her being my slave, It did get me kind of thinking.
- Thinking about what? - You know, um role-playing.
You know, master/slave, dominance/submission bondage.
You know, we never tried any of that stuff.
I'm just trying to, you know, mix things up a little bit, like you did today.
Okay, I hear you.
So you want me to beat the crap out of you? If you want, I guess.
Or, you know, I could beat you up, whichever you prefer.
Or nobody has to beat anybody up.
We just There's a master and a slave.
And the slave does whatever the master tells her to.
"Her" being me, your slave.
In that example, yeah.
Okay, so What do you want me to do? You know, whatever makes you happy, right? Maybe you want me to make you wear a ball gag in your mouth.
Or maybe you would want me to drip hot candle wax on your nipples.
Or maybe you like to be teased? I could bring you to the brink of orgasm without ever letting you come.
I feel like we've done that.
All right, maybe maybe you want me to pee on you.
- Why would I want you to pee on me? - I don't know.
I just I know there's people that do that.
Okay, that's all.
Look, baby, I'm in.
Just start doing some shit to me.
We'll see how it goes, okay? You know what, we should probably have a safe word, so I know what your limits are.
How about, "don't pee on me"? Okay, that should work.
- God damn it! - Sorry.
Sorry.
- Okay, okay, let me rub it.
- That hurts.
- I'll rub it.
- Don't touch it.
What would you do if our little spawn - actually became, like, a rock star? - I would be really proud of her.
- You would? - And I would be there to help pump her stomach when she od'd.
Oh, God.
Do you think she's ever Do you think she's ever smoked pot? I mean, like, successfully.
No, no, she told me that she saw you and Bill get high once, and it so creeped her out that she swore to me she was never gonna try it.
So, well done with that.
Yeah? Bill saw - he saw a spider.
- A spider? That guy, he is the biggest fucking pansy in captivity.
You happy? - What? - It's a simple question.
are you happy? I don't even know what that means anymore.
All right, I'll I'll make it specific.
Does Bill make you happy? - Yes.
- Bullshit! He does.
He makes me really happy.
Like I made you happy? You made me fucking insane.
So I never made you happy? I made you insane? I mean, once upon a time, you made me happy.
But then you made me crazy, and that was okay, too, for a while.
But then I I evolved.
You outgrew me.
I understand.
And I didn't? No, you stayed right in the crazy zone.
Well, that is a hell of a way to sum up a decade-long love affair.
Well, Mr.
Moody how would you sum it up? I would say we loved each other too much.
Too much.
And I think we made the mistake of getting it right the first time, and that put an insane amount of pressure on us to keep it going.
And We buckled.
You know what I miss most about? Well, aside from Becca, of course.
I miss your smell.
That's it? When you left, I couldn't wash the sheets because I didn't want to lose that completely You.
And it fucked me up for a long time because I would wake up and I'd smell you and I'd think you were there.
And that would My heart would break all over again.
I think that's why I go in for the kiss all the time.
I know, yeah.
I think I'm going for another hit.
Have you washed those sheets yet? Oh, well, you know, I had to throw them away.
Oh, good.
Yeah, this hot little Starbucks barista got her period all over them.
You're so fucking disgusting.
- Look at that.
You see? - Why do you have to say shit like that? If I can make you laugh like that, why can't we be together? - That's what I don't understand.
- You know what? You don't want to be with me.
You think I know you think you do.
But if I were to give myself to you, you would run for the hills, 'cause you're not in love with me.
You're in love with the idea The idea of love.
Now, on that brave, profound note, I'm gonna go and get some coffee.
How you can be so fucking beautiful and so fucking wrong? - What? - You're running for the hills.
Yes, you are.
Oh, my God! I'm sorry.
Calm down, girlie man.
- It's not like I blew you or anything.
- Get off of me.
Hey, I'm taking you up on your offer.
Read this and give me notes.
- Now? - Yeah.
What else are you doing? What happened last night? Too drunk to drive? Too limp to fuck? Does my father have anything to worry about? You're up! - Good morning to you.
- Have you seen Mia anywhere? No, who? Mia, no.
- About last night - Let's not and say we did.
- You don't want to talk about it? Not so much Now.
- That's fine.
- I'm just a little raw.
It's too soon for me.
Are you okay? You're being kind of weird.
- Do you feel - No, I'm good.
Do you want me to get you some Advil? - I'll put some coffee on.
- Thank you.
You're too good to me.
What about last night? - Does my father have to worry about? - No more than usual.
Oh, my god! You look so lame.
Well, good, because that's exactly the look that I'm going for.
- Have a seat.
- Don't mind if I do.
- Coffee? - For the love of God, yes.
Times? Boo-ya.
What? You eat pop-tarts? Pop-tarts? I don't mind much.
I'll go for them.
Yeah, we're good.
I know.
Yeah, we miss you, too.
So much.
When are you coming back? I've got to go.
I'll call you later.
Yes, she's right here.
What? "Rome is burning," he said, as he poured himself another drink.
"Yet here I am, knee-deep in a river of pussy.
" "Here it comes," she thought, "another self-indulgent, whiskey-soaked diatribe "about how fucking great everything was in the past " "And how all us poor souls born too late to see the Stones at wherever "or snort the good coke like they had at studio 54, "well, we had all just missed out on practically everything worth living for.
" And the worst part was, she agreed with him.
I felt bad.
You were so nice to me, and I totally took advantage.
So Do you want to get high and listen to some records? By the way, my name is "Here we are," she thought, "at the edge of the world, the very edge of western civilization, "and all of us are so desperate to feel something, "anything, that we keep falling into each other and fucking our way towards the end of days.
"