Call Me Fitz (2010) s01e06 Episode Script

FITZ: Any dealer worth their shit knows that the first rule of dealing with a couple is "divide and conquer.
" So, fallen for the minivan myth, huh? Okay.
What minivan myth? Ä°t's affordable, it's practical.
-it's a death trap.
-I've heard that.
The wife's expecting her husband to quarterback the deal.
It's up to me to turn him into a lay-down.
Close your eyes for a second.
Go ahead, close your eyes.
Ä°t's 3:26 in the morning, everyone in the house is fast asleep.
Waaah! Could baby be sick? Gotta get to the hospital.
Off we go in the minivan.
Or you can blast the fruit of your loins to the emergency room in a 231 horsepower rocket of safety! With heated leather seats.
I will not have blood on my hands.
We are buying the mini van.
And that's when I land the coup de grâce.
That's French for 'kick in the nuts.
" Well? You're the boss.
I'll get started on the paperwork.
When I walk back out there, he'll buy the Z3 for full sticker just to prove he's in charge.
Larry says we shouldn't use head games to sell cars.
Ä°t's not fair.
Newsflash, honey: life isn't fair.
If it was, there'd be enough of me to go around.
Which reminds me -- What are you doing later? I am not just a receptionist anymore, so you can't use me as a sex toy.
I'm a sales person like you.
Fuck me.
[Sighing.]
They're taking the SUV.
Well, I could've shown you the SUV, but you were very clear on your price point.
And unlike some people, I wouldn't want to push you into a car that you couldn't afford.
Oh, you can't put a price tag on love.
Besides, you're worth it.
Oh, you're worth it.
-He's worth it.
-Aww.
You've got to be fucking kidding me.
Not in front of the baby.
J' Without you J' J' I'd find my smile J' J' Without you J' J' I'd have won by a mile J' J' Without you J' J' Oh, life could be so grand J' J' Without you J' J' I'm half a man J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' Larry, I'm proud of you.
Great numbers.
Eight cars in two days.
I'm happy you're happy, sir.
I'm fucking furious.
I've got one real salesman and a herd of slack-jawed inbreds.
Oh, uh -- I'm sure we're all trying our hardest.
This is a car lot, not a circle jerk.
He's a fucking selling machine! Watch him, study him, mimic him.
Sell a car today or your ass is grass.
Shit, I've been here for 5 years and I haven't sold a car.
What am I supposed to do? Who is that guy? Remember your blood pressure, sir.
Deep breaths, deep breaths! Eight cars? Sonya, these numbers can't be right.
Run them again, would you, babe? Uh, let's see.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Yep, nope, it all checks out.
He's got to be running some kind of scam.
Not at all.
He's totally legit.
Nah.
No one's that good, except for me.
I don't know.
I've been watching Larry, studying him.
He's got this laser focus.
He's like a warrior monk.
He doesn't eat or sleep.
He just sells cars and bugs you.
I don't even think he goes to the bathroom.
What about women? I think they go.
Does he like women? I don't know.
I don't think I've ever seen him with one.
See, he's like a warrior monk.
He doesn't eat or sleep.
He just sells cars and bugs -- Why do you always walk away from me when I'm -- it's about time you got here.
I called you over an hour ago.
I am a single mother now.
Excuse me for making sure my child had a baby sitter.
Don't apologize, just be more punctual.
Do you think Larry likes women? That's your emergency? A Larry question? You couldn't have called me on the phone? Why do you even care what team he plays on? If I can focus Larry's energy on some broad, then he's not selling cars.
No car sales, no Larry.
Trying to get Larry laid? Nice.
You know, if anyone around here deserves sex, it's me.
I haven't had sex in over six months.
Oh, for fuck's sake, just put on something slutty and go into any bar.
Someone's bound to be drunk enough to take you home.
That's howl meal Saul.
Sex with him -- "meh.
" I want great sex.
I want, like, hot, dirty, push me up against the wall, lick my face, take me from behind.
Like, something really special, like in the movies.
I hear Larry's available.
Fuck you, Dick.
Fuck you very much.
Told you not to call me that.
[inhaling deeply.]
Oh, that's the stuff.
You stole my customers today.
No, I didn't -- And when you did, I had an epiphany.
Only a real Fitzpatrick could steal customers from me.
Richard, recognizing our bond is the first step towards reintegration.
That's why I want to welcome you officially to the family.
-Oh.
-By getting you laid.
Yeah, that's, um -- [Clears throat.]
No, I appreciate the offer, but you don't have to -- because if I didn't, uh -- Ah, I'm fine.
You like dudes, is that it? No.
No.
Even when I was inside of you, I wasn't gay.
Uh, I just mean that I'm your conscience.
Right? So every woman that you've had, I've had, too.
No way you could've got a tenth of my trim.
I mean, look at me.
-Now look at you.
-Okay.
Now look at me again.
Ah -- Ah.
All those women, hmm? All those lies.
Richard, you're not going to find emotional fulfillment in a string of meaningless conquests.
Gosh, Larry, you're right.
We should discuss this -- Over drinks.
Boys' night out! Yeah.
Yeah! [Loud music playing.]
Any time, sweetheart.
Just put that on the tab, okay? Gentlemen, to the heart.
And to relationships built on a foundation of love and understanding.
I'll fucking punch you, man.
Larry, a good woman is like a new car.
Do you know what I mean by that? Yes, I do.
You treat her with respect, and everything will run smoothly.
No.
She smells good and makes your dick hard.
I had that one.
I suppose that is also technically correct, depending on the circumstances.
Larry, you follow my simple rules and your pecker will always find a hole to screw, okay? Number one: Find the most inebriated woman in the bar.
Or try to meet a nice woman who matches your interests.
Gosh, and where would I find a woman who likes drinking and fucking? There's one.
Dance floor.
Good eyes.
Number two: get her more inebriated.
Pineappletini for the lady, stat.
And a glass of water as well.
Keep her hydrated.
And three: don't talk, dance.
At least if you get shot down, you can always cop a feel.
Observe.
Ask her about herself! FITZ: Hey, yeah, so, uh -- Where was I? Oh yeah -- [Clears throat.]
Rule number four: take her home, make mad, passionate love to her until she passes out, and then make mad, passionate love to her one more time.
Richard, can't you see how shallow and meaningless this is? Stagette, 2:00.
Stiggety-stagette.
Bachelorettes are the casual sex trifecta.
GIRL: I love this song! They're loaded, horned up, and so guilty the next morning, they kick you out.
I know.
She's perfect.
Woo! I fell, I fell! She's perfect.
J' Maybe it's the way you touch me J' This may sound retarded, but I never believed in love at first sight until I saw you.
Buy me a light beer and I'll fuck you.
J' Lost in love is what I feel J' J' When I'm with you J' J' Baby J' [Clattering.]
Larry? Oh, I've been worried sick! Shh! Keep your voice down.
When you didn't answer your phone, I figured the worst, so I drove around all night looking for your car.
And I hope your new lady friend doesn't mind, but I kind of broke her window.
Can you just help me find my shirt so we can get out of here? LARRY: There's something I need to tell you, okay? Janet is, uh -- She's special.
FITZ: Oh, I'll say she's special.
She's got this trick with her tongue she calls her "toad in the hole.
" No, no, no.
She's, um -- She's really "special.
" Tell me in the car, okay? Rule number five: once you get in, get out.
You're leaving? Ah, there's my shirt.
[Chuckles.]
I thought you liked me.
I do.
I do.
I'll be back, baby, I will, because You broke this stallion.
[Speaking slowly and loudly .]
: He means he likes you.
Jesus, Larry.
She's not fucking retarded.
Oh my gosh, I like you, too! I like you so, so much! Oh, my gosh, wait till I tell Betty.
She's gonna be so jealous.
[Phone dialing.]
Hey, Betty.
Guess what? I just had sex! With a boy! [Laughing.]
I know.
I met him at the dance last night and he's so cute.
Say hi.
Say hi, Richard.
Hi.
Hi.
OPERATOR: We're sorry.
Your call could not be completed as dialed.
Please make sure you have the correct number-- Oh.
Special.
Special.
MAN: Janet? Janet, I hear voices.
Did you leave your TV on? No, Daddy! I just had sex! MAN: Sex? [Footsteps approaching.]
-Dad? -Woo! Well, pleased to meet you, sir.
Larry.
Which one of you perverts touched my little girl? [Whispering .]
: It was him, it was him.
You sick son of a bitch! She's 32.
And brain damaged.
Daddy, I have had sex before.
She's got the mental capacity of a 14 year old! Stop it or I will hold my breath! Okay, let's split the difference.
She's 18.
-Actually, that's nine.
-Shut up, Larry.
No, no, because if you split the difference between 32 and 14, you get 18.
You split that difference, you get nine.
-Shut up, Larry! -Son of a bitch! Janet, calm down! DAD: I'm gonna rip your testicles off! I'm going to squeeze them so tight, you'll cry.
Seriously, Larry.
Shut the fuck up.
Is he telling the truth, asshole? Do you love my little girl? With all my heart? You love me? 'Cause, Richie, I love you so much.
[Laughing nervously .]
Oh, Richie.
Cara, what are you doing? I know, I know, we're all still reeling from Chester Vince's misguided decision to suppress the overwhelming evidence against Richard Fitzpatrick.
Well, people are innocent until proven guilty, okay? Even him.
But then I remembered what you said about needing a witness to the accident.
I'm not going to let you purger yourself.
I don't need to.
You already have one.
A witness? Really? Who? Your mom.
[Beeping.]
That's impossible.
She's in a coma.
[Beeping.]
No, she's in a waking coma.
She's been aware of her surroundings from the beginning but hasn't been able to communicate.
Until now.
Ask her a question.
Any question, just as long as it's yes or no.
Remember, one beat for yes, two for no.
Mom, can you hear me? [ Beeping twice .]
Well, I'm glad to see the accident didn't spoil your sense of humor.
Cara, this is wonderful.
Thank you.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
All right.
Richard, you look exhausted.
Of course I'm exhausted, because brain-damaged sex fucking rocks.
Excuse me? And I've had it all, man.
Cougars, jailbait, doubles, triples, mothers and daughters, maybe a tranny, I'm not sure -- I was loaded.
But none of it was as good as sex with Janet.
How can you take advantage of her when you know she's mentally challenged? I mean, I've fucked stupid women before, and I've fucked women stupid, but sex with Janet is -- That's Olympic-level boning.
Well, special Olympic-level boning.
Oh, okay, no, this is wrong.
All wrong, okay? Janet is an innocent.
Her love is pure and unconditional, and I wanted you to feel that love.
Oh, I did.
Several times last night.
No, no, no.
Not use it to satisfy your own sick perversions.
Bird's gotta fly, baby.
Richie? I made us a mix tape of all the songs we listen to every time we, um, S-E-X each other.
[Chuckling.]
Leave the room, Larry.
Richard, you told her father you loved her.
Man was a paratrooper.
A happy death.
Richard, you can beat this, okay? Just breathe with me.
Get out.
You look very nice.
Thank you.
Rar! Ya! Ya! Ooh.
[Janet meowing.]
FITZ: Get over here, kitty.
Who's been a bad kitty, huh? -JANET: Rar! -Who's been a bad kitty? FITZ: Mmm, ready to lick those whiskers, huh? Ooh, show me your tail.
JANET: Rar! [Giggling.]
Mother fucker! Get back here! -Hi, I'm Meghan.
-Hi.
I'm a tourist.
I like long walks on the beach and dancing in the rain.
My turn-offs are phony people and fast runners.
Okay, okay.
Let's just take a second here.
We've both done things neither of us are proud of, so let's just call it even and walk away.
Oh, dangerous.
Get up.
Oh, God! You're gonna suck that tongue right out of my mouth.
Uh-huh.
You said you like that.
Yeah, uh -- Could you at least take the helmet off? [Sucking loudly.]
Okay, um, let's -- Let's just take a little break for a second, okay? Oh, my God.
Are you breaking up with me? Richie, don't leave me, 'cause everyone, they all think we're awesome together, especially Betty.
Please don't leave me.
Jesus.
Jesus, Janet.
Relax.
Relax, okay? Just take it easy.
I just -- I just need a little break, that's all.
Do you want me to put it in my mouth? I will.
I'll put it in my mouth.
Just please don't leave me! Okay, I -- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Just hold that thought, okay, and stay right here, okay? Kelly, what a surprise.
You really should've called first.
I'm kind of in the middle of something.
Do you think you could fit me in later? Does this stuff really work on sane, intelligent women? I don't know.
Why don't we discuss it over a drink? No, this isn't actually a social call, Mr.
Fitzpatrick.
I just came down here to see the look on your face when I tell you that tomorrow morning the county is filing attempted manslaughter charges against you.
Hm.
Not quite the reaction I was expecting.
Oh, come on.
We both know what this is.
This is the end of you.
I have a witness.
A witness who will testify to the fact that you were driving the car that put my mother in a coma.
Who, that twisted little girl scout? My mother.
Your comatose mother? Celebrate your last night as a free man.
You know what? Have a drink on me.
Thanks.
You are pathetic.
I'll take a sympathy fuck.
Thought I told you to wait in the office.
I know, but baby, I missed you.
I missed you so much.
Hitting on me while your latest conquest is in the other room.
Classy.
[Laughing.]
Yeah, like Richie would ever hit on you.
Oh, what's that supposed to mean? Um, it means you're not his type.
Oh, I am so his type.
You -- Not that this would ever happen.
I mean, there's no chance in hell that this would ever happen 'cause he is not my type.
I would never be that desperate.
I'll see you in court.
Come on, let's do that thing with the trophies again.
I, uh -- I really gotta get back to work.
You are breaking up with me.
No.
[Screaming .]
: I hate you! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! You are such a jerk.
What are you doing with my keys? I'm going to scratch your car.
No, no, not the Alpha.
Not the Alpha! Not the Alpha! [Screaming .]
: I hate -- Now the helmet makes sense.
I don't want to die.
I don't want to fucking die.
I'm not going to kill you, silly.
I just want the date you promised me.
I didn't promise you anything.
The date you promised me -- With your eyes.
-Hey, Rosa! -Hola.
This reminds me of the time that I was camped out on a ridge for four days in East Timor, waiting for my target.
He never shows, right, and I got a bullet with his name on it, so I'm fuckin' pissed.
Turns out he choked himself to death while jerking off.
Yeah, this is exactly like that.
Look, all I'm trying to say is, uh -- Fuck, what was I trying to say? Uh, government sanctioned execution, auto-erotic asphyxiation -- Just go with the flow, man! Being charged with attempted manslaughter, I can't exactly just go with the flow.
I need people to see me for the lovable scamp that I am.
We've got to get rid of her.
Please tell me you're just giving Janet a trolley ride and the trolley ride is not a euphemism for something.
[Sighing.]
Everything's candy apples, numb nuts.
What did you do? Nothing.
I'm totally innocent, for once.
Richard, this kind of thing is exactly what I'm trying to save you from.
From your own salacious desires.
You're supposed to be on a healing journey of self-discovery, not engaged in some twisted sexual game like this.
Especially on company time.
Jesus, Larry.
Judge much.
I am here to help you.
[Grunting.]
Oh! Winner by knockout! Or technical knockout.
it's different.
Well, yeah, he's still breathing.
Load 'em up.
-FITZ: Hey, Rosa.
-Hola.
[Phone dialing.]
-Roy? it's Richard.
-ROY: Richard! -Janet's missing.
-Missing? Some guy broke into the apartment and took her.
I think he was on drugs.
[Roy shouting incoherently.]
[ Snapping fingers .]
[Whispering .]
: Drugs.
Drugs.
Yeah, he said something about the Highland Motel, room 17.
I don't know why he was so specific.
Just hurry, okay? I love her -- So much.
Okay, this is perfect.
Once everybody finds her Larry with poor Janet, his reputation will be ruined.
And if I'm real lucky, Roy'll take care of Larry when he gets here.
Okay.
You know, I'm only recently back on the market.
[Moaning.]
My husband Saul left me a few weeks ago.
I know, I can hardly believe it myself.
Like, "What?" But I hope what's happening here is I'm going to change this energy that I'm feeling.
But you should know -- I have a son.
I know, I look very youthful, not like I would have a child, but I do.
But I'm not just a mother.
I'm also a woman.
I have needs and desires.
I changed my mind.
Kill me now.
[Distant police sirens.]
[Gasping.]
The police! Help, help! I'm in here! Babe, you've got to be quiet -- OW! Jesus! I bruise easy, man! Oh! [Sirens wailing .]
I don't want to hurt you, but I will.
Show time.
Officer! Officer! Room 17.
Please hurry.
[Groaning.]
Right over there.
My daughter's in there! Yes.
Yes, and the woman I love.
Drop the gun! What the fuck is that? Richie! Ah! I dunno, but he's high jacking your shake-down.
Don't do this.
I'm the fucking victim here.
Did I want to be a purse snatcher? I'm a paleontologist! Mother fucker.
You know what kind of jobs there are for freelance fucking paleontologists? Jack and shit.
So put the gun down before I blow her ass meat all over the parking lot.
You hurt her, you little prick, I'll kill you! Oh, yeah.
And me, too.
You're a paleontologist.
[Giggling.]
Everyone shut up.
Shut the fuck up! Okay, let's all just calm down.
No one has to get hurt.
Yeah, right.
Do what I say.
I want a chopper, a million bucks in cash, a new pair of pants and a long, hot shower.
With soap.
Lots of it.
Daddy! Ooh.
Oh, Daddy! Keep still.
Good work, son.
DAD: Did anyone hurt you? He tried to attack me.
She attacked me.
Oh! OFFICER: Yeah, attacking mentally challenged girls and old women.
You're going away for a long time.
Who the fuck are you calling old? -DAD: You little prick! -OFFICER: You're a hero, son.
DAD: You better not have touched my daughter, you little prick! You're an honest-to-God hero.
Richie! Oh! OFFICER: Watch your head.
Did you see Larry rescue me? I really like Larry.
Oh, but don't worry You're still my boyfriend.
Janet, let's go.
That's sweet.
J' Like a painted picture J' J' You're standing across the room J' Bye! Bye, Larry! Bye, Richie! I love you! I love you, Richie! Call me! Bye! Don't fucking touch me.
Okay.
J' One after another J' J' They are all trying to take you home J' J' After saying nothing J' J' You'd rather spend the night alone J' J' How could she see me? J' J' I'll make my move J' J' Then I see she's waving at the guy behind me J' J' At the guy behind me J' J' No one can please you J'