Call Your Mother (2021) s01e06 Episode Script

1
I'm so happy we decided
to make Sunday dinners
- a weekly thing again.
- Yeah.
Makes it really feel like home.
I guess, if home were
a tiny renovated garage
owned by a semi-divorced Australian.
Ooh. Don't mind her.
She's just grumpy
'cause she's the only one
at the table without a dinner date.
- It's not a date.
- It's not a date.
Okay. Yeah. I was just trying
to burn Jackie.
Don't really need to know your details.
Thank you again for inviting me,
Mother Raines.
We've been looking forward to it
all week.
That's right, everybody.
We're a "we," and we love it.
And yes, we know how cute we are.
[Chuckles] Of course, Victor.
Lane's person is my person.
I love that I'm your person.
So, wait, now everyone
just calls my mother "Mother"
and introduces her to their "person"?
You know, it's funny, when I
first met Freddie, it was
You know, Jackie, I asked you
to bring your person.
Every week.
I've told you I'd like to meet him.
I think we'd all like to meet him.
Why? So you can make fun?
Yes. Of course we'd make fun.
You're dating a guy
who is almost 70, Jackie.
It's not like he's gonna hear us.
It's an example.
Okay, and that is why
it's never happening.
[Cellphone chimes]
- I'm sorry.
- Oh.
You know, I dated an older man once,
but he kept calling me "baby"
and then for some reason,
I started calling him "Daddy."
It was hot until he got sick.
[Clears throat]
Well, looks like we found
a wine that Celia likes.
- [Chuckles]
- I'll grab another.
- [Cellphone chimes]
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
Everything okay?
Yeah, just Cheryl. We're having a thing.
O-Oh. Right.
I'm aware of you and your
not-quite-ex-wife's "thing."
Deal with it later.
I'll serve the cake.
- So, Jackie.
- Nope.
I already went. Pick on Freddie.
This man is in your life,
- for however long
- His kidneys hold up.
His liver keeps functioning.
He lives? I don't know.
I'm just spitballing.
He's your boyf man old
What do you call him?
His name is Hank, okay? I call him Hank.
Look, you guys can make
all the fun you want,
but the reason you haven't met him
is because you've never accepted
my choices.
Clothes, boyfriends.
Remember when I got bangs
and you all got me hats for Christmas?
- [Chuckles]
- Well, honey,
your hair's way too wavy
for bangs, and you know it.
Exactly my point.
Just bring Old Hank to dinner.
I mean Hank. Just Hank.
We'll be on our best behavior.
We can do that, right, Freddie?
Oh, yeah. Of course. I was just kidding.
Bring him, Jackie. We'll be nice.
We'll get him some soft foods,
we'll crank up the heat,
we'll add some railing in the bathroom.
Nailed it. [Chuckles]
I can't. Love has changed me.
All right, fine. I will bring him.
But if any of you embarrass me,
I'll never share another detail
about my life with you again.
Well, this feels like one of those
too-good-to-be-true situations.
Freddie, stop.
You have nothing to worry about,
sweetheart.
I believe I've shown I can tolerate
all sorts of people
in less-than-ideal situations.
Oh, Celia, thanks for bringing the cake.
Oh, boy.
Are you okay?
It's just a little dry. [Clears throat]
Really? This cake is blowing up
on my Instagram feed.
It's not dry.
- It's citrusy, delicate, and delicious.
- [Both chuckle]
Well, I guess everything
slides down easier
when you have enough wine.
- I like it.
- Mm.
But maybe everything tastes
better when I'm with you.
[Chuckles]
Oh, wait.
Never mind.
There is an aftertaste.
Even bad food looks good on you.
[Laughs]
♪♪
♪♪
Freddie, do you think
your mother hates me?
What? No. Baby, of course not.
My mom's from Iowa.
The only thing she hates
is being mistaken for
someone from Nebraska.
[Sighs] You didn't notice
the subtle digs coming at me all night?
That's crazy.
You did not just call me crazy.
Relax.
You did not just tell me to relax.
Jamás en la vida
yo he sido loco como ella
se atreve pensar asi?
Dios mío.
I think I heard something about a train?
Cel, my mom loves everybody.
Maybe you just don't get
her sense of humor.
You know, she's Iowa funny.
Yeah, well, she's California mean.
I don't understand, Fred.
I've never had a boyfriend's mom
not like me.
I have 100,000 followers, okay?
I made a career of being loved.
I love you.
I've spent my whole life
getting parents to like me.
I've had two stepmoms, three stepdads,
and one dad's friend named Connie.
If I can get Connie to love me,
[Scoffs] I can get your mom.
Yeah. Before you know it,
she'll think I'm too good for you.
[Exhales sharply]
Is that really
the win we're looking for?
♪♪
It's just an inch off to the left.
Is it? Oh, shoot.
No. It's fine.
I'm kidding. What's going on with you?
You love Sunday family dinner.
Yeah, but this week is different.
I'm just really nervous
about meeting Jackie's Old Hank tonight.
But you're the one
who wanted him to come.
Why are you stressed about it?
Because Jackie thinks
I judge her terrible choices,
and I need to show her that I'm capable
of accepting her disastrous
life decisions.
Okay, I'm gonna suggest
a different toast, but yeah.
I just don't know how I'm
supposed to accept the fact
that my 25-year-old daughter
is dating someone
who's 25 years older than me.
I thought you said he was in his 60s.
Shut up. This isn't about math.
I just need to make Old Hank
feel comfortable,
even if the whole thing
makes me wildly uncomfortable.
I mean, what do old guys like?
[Inhales sharply] Old women?
No, that's clearly wrong. Sorry.
[Inhales sharply]
Oh. You look nice.
- Thank you.
- You know Hank will appreciate it.
Old people are always talking
about how much they liked it
when passengers dressed up
to fly on airplanes.
Yeah, uh, but Jean,
I'm not staying for dinner
tonight, remember?
Oh, no. I didn't remember.
I have that thing with Cheryl.
Oh, right.
Uh, you actually never
told me what that thing was.
- Didn't I?
- Mm.
- [Chuckles] Thought I did.
- No.
Hmm.
Should I tell you now, or is this
It'll add to the stress of all the
Yeah, I'll tell you now.
So, Cheryl and I have these old friends,
and they're getting married,
but they don't know that
we're getting un-married,
and there was just never
a good time to tell them,
and so, uh, funny story
Cheryl and I are agreeing
to go to the wedding together.
Keep up appearances.
You know, for old friends, you know?
In and out, not a big deal.
Mm.
Got it. Yeah.
Uh, you know, if it helps,
we're driving separately.
- Oh.
- I mean, kind of.
We're meeting at a 7-Eleven parking lot
and then we're going in together.
- You mad?
- Nope.
- You seem mad.
- I could get mad.
- I should go.
- Yeah, you should.
I don't want to make you late
with my drama.
Have a nice time with your drama.
Okay. I'll, uh
I'll bring you back some shrimp,
maybe, if they have any.
You sure you're not mad?
♪♪
[Knock on door]
Oh, hi, Cookie. Where's Victor?
Oh, he had to work, but he sends
his regards and these.
Oh, they're beautiful!
I like this guy for you and for me.
Ah, yeah, but he's only for me.
- I don't do that anymore.
- Ah.
Hey, Mom. Hey, is Jackie here
with her man-pa yet?
Her grand-friend?
Ah, I'm still working on it.
Shh! No, and no more of that.
He has a name.
It's Old Hank.
Hank! [Sighs]
Look at the beautiful flowers
that Victor got me.
Oh, did that fall off of here?
No, no, no. I'm being
sponsored by a florist.
This is a European hand bouquet.
It's supposed to be small.
Oh. Lovely.
Just not sure I have a vase
this European.
[Chuckles]
Oh, I have something.
See? She loved them.
See?
Perfect fit for my toothbrush cup.
[Door opens]
Okay. We are here.
Um, Mom, this is Hank,
my boss, my person.
The Bogie to her Bacall.
[Chuckles]
What is that? What are you doing?
It's before your time.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hmm.
May I call you Mom?
You may not.
[Chuckles]
Listen, I know we're all
a little anxious,
and I've had enough waitresses
tell me my daughter is pretty
to know that this relationship
is unconventional.
Unconventional?
Weird.
But just so you know,
I care about Jackie.
She keeps me laughing all day long.
You're kidding.
I'm funny when I want to be.
[Laughs]
- These are for you.
- Oh. Ooh.
Wow. Those are some serious flowers.
She's gonna need
a bigger toothbrush cup.
♪♪
And why did they get rid of car keys?
[Laughing] I said
the exact same thing yesterday.
And twice this morning.
They're not keys. They're fobs.
And why did they have to
change the name?
I said that, too!
Are we gonna eat food ever?
Also, I miss real bumpers.
I only had an apple for lunch.
I have to say, Hank,
I'm so glad that Jackie finally
decided to introduce us.
This has been such a lovely surprise.
- The pleasure is mine.
- Mm.
I just knew I'd love you all.
You're as warm
and easy to get along with
as Jackie herself.
Really?
I'm different at work.
I'm gonna check on the pot pie.
- Ooh, pot pie is my favorite.
- Ooh.
Guess I'm still
an Illinois boy at heart.
You're from the Midwest?
Oh, I should have guessed.
You can always tell the people from LA.
They always have their faces
- buried in their phones.
- [Chuckles]
And don't get me started on Nebraska.
Don't get me started on Nebraska.
Seriously. Do not get them
started on Nebraska.
[Chuckles]
Can I help you in the kitchen?
Oh, don't be silly.
You just enjoy yourself.
Tonight, you're family.
Oh, can I help?
Oh, don't be silly. You're a guest.
Can I see you outside, please?
Oh, God, yes.
- [Door opens]
- Uh, where are you going?
And cars used to just have
one big front seat
- [Door closes]
- so you could have your girl
just slide right up next to you.
I really like Old Hank.
He's charming and funny.
It just goes to show,
you shouldn't judge someone
I'm breaking up with Hank.
What?
I realized we're not a good match.
I think the only reason I was with him
is 'cause I was so lost
after Andy left me,
and he was there.
But we have nothing in common.
But now I like him,
and I thought that was the whole point.
This is just like when I finally
got used to your bangs
and then you decided to grow them out.
What happened?
I was feeling confused
about my feelings for him,
but I'm not confused anymore.
So, when I was horrified
and disapproved,
you had no intention of
breaking up with him?
Correct.
But now that I like him
and accept the relationship,
- you want to end it?
- Correct.
[Sighs] What did I do to you?
Do you see it now?
She welcomes everybody into this family
with open arms except for me.
She's practically adopted Lane.
She put my flowers
in her toothbrush cup.
She's probably gonna
press Hank's in a book.
Come on, baby.
- Hank's flowers are way too big for a book.
- [Door opens]
- Hey, what are you
- Your mother hates me.
- Never mind.
- Lane.
Come back here.
We need your opinion.
Look, I don't want to get caught up
in the middle of whatever this is.
Plus, I got to get back in with Hank.
He was just about to tell me
how hard it was
to understand the words in "Hamilton."
Lane, do you think Jean likes me?
Lane, just say yes,
'cause you know my mom
likes everybody, right?
Answer the question.
Yeah. Go ahead, Lane.
Answer the question.
Okay.
I would say I've definitely noticed
Mother Raines is not as
what's the word?
She doesn't like Celia! Okay?
I don't know why, because
Mother Raines likes everyone,
but she definitely
has a problem with you.
- There.
- Ha. I knew it.
I hate that you made me do that.
That's not what I do.
I'm a spreader of sunshine.
This dinner party sucks for me.
I'm so hungry.
Hmm. See?
I told you. Your mother doesn't like me.
I win.
Oh, wait.
Your mom really doesn't like me.
[Sighs]
Jackie, you can't treat Hank like this.
You're worried about Hank?
You're supposed to be on my side.
Oh, you're Team Hank. I got it.
No, I'm always Team Jackie,
but I guess you're right.
I-I just don't understand your choices.
I haven't been making choices.
I've just been letting life
happen to me.
I'm not happy with Hank,
but I haven't been able to leave.
So I was counting on you guys
to make things horrible tonight
so maybe he would go away on his own
and I wouldn't have to
do anything about it.
Oh, Jackie.
Seriously. What did I do to you?
When I was 6,
I wanted to stop being friends
with Abigail Hunt,
but you said I had to
keep being friends with her
'cause if I didn't,
it would hurt her feelings,
and I haven't been able to
end a relationship since.
Wait. What?
You're saying I really
did do this to you?
Yes. You're also the reason
that I can't let my food touch
and I don't like hot tubs.
Oh.
Mom, listen,
if you don't help me scare Hank
off, he's never gonna leave,
and I'm gonna be stuck
with him forever, too.
- [Knock on door]
- [Sighs]
[Sighs]
Hey, how's it going? Is it awful?
How's Old Hank? Is he old?
Oh. Hank's fine. Jackie's the problem.
Every time I think I'm on level ground
and I've got a handle on things,
she shakes things up.
- Oh.
- Wait. You left Cheryl?
Oh, it was a cash bar.
There was no shrimp. There was no AC.
- I'm sorry I left you.
- What about your thing?
Well, I like our thing better.
Oh, that's just so incredibly nice.
What just happened?
Jackie wants to dump Hank,
but she can't because she
doesn't break up with people.
She just waits for them to leave her,
which is apparently my fault.
No, you kissed me on my mouth.
Oh, so now everything's my fault?
Look, I was under duress.
[Chuckles nervously]
Some people drink in times of stress.
I kiss people.
It's why I file my taxes online now.
[Door opens]
- Can I see you outside, please?
- Oh, God, yes.
♪♪
Oh, I have bad news.
Jackie wants to break up with Hank.
Hey, Mom, do you hate my girlfriend?
She says they have nothing in common.
Answer me.
Celia's been feeling your vibe.
Oh, for corn's sake, my vibe?
Freddie, that's ridiculous.
Lane said it, too.
What? What did Cookie say?
He said that he can tell
you don't like Celia,
and it's bothering him and her.
Now me.
I can assure you,
I have no opinion about Celia
whatsoever.
Mom, now I know that they're right
because you have an opinion
about literally everything.
You ranted for 45 minutes
to me yesterday
about outdoor rugs.
Well, why do people have rugs outside?
Outside is for grass.
Outside is for dirt.
Mom!
This is crazy.
I love her.
I need to know what you think of her.
Okay.
I think it's great
that Celia is comfortable being herself.
All the time.
Mom, I know what that is.
That's how you used to say
you didn't like a kid
when you were a teacher.
Okay, fine.
I feel like she's the reason
we grew apart.
O-Once she came into the picture,
I didn't hear from you as much.
You stopped calling me.
But, look, I don't have to
love all your girlfriends.
Everyone goes through phases.
You're gonna date all kinds of people.
I'm a phase, Freddie?
What? No. No.
I have to go.
Celia, my mom didn't mean that.
Mom, will you tell her
that you didn't mean that?
I didn't mean that!
I was under duress!
Celia, wait.
Freddie, I have nothing against Celia.
She's just not who I pictured
for you long-term.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, God.
- Celia, just wait, please.
- Freddie, it's okay.
Jean, I don't care
if you like me or not,
or if you like my cake,
which is highly rated by celebrities.
Oh, Celia, I don't dislike you
or your cake.
That's a lie. I dislike your cake.
But I have nothing against you.
Mom
[Sighs] that's just not true.
Celia's right.
You treat her different
than you treat everybody else.
You're even on board with Old Hank.
Actually, my uncle is Old Hank.
I'm Little Hank.
This has nothing to do with Celia.
I just pictured you
with someone different,
someone from the Midwest.
- [Sighs]
- A family person.
A-A vest person.
Quirky, but down to earth.
You know.
So, you?
You could do worse.
- Ugh.
- Oh, my God.
Mom, Celia is my partner.
I love her.
I want to spend my life with her.
Freddie, I don't want to make you choose
between me and your mom.
No, there is there's no choice.
Thank you, honey.
[Exhales sharply]
Celia
Celia, my life is so much better
with you in it.
I love the way you smile.
I love the way you curse at me
in Spanish
at least, that's what I assume
you're doing
to the way that you just don't mind
watching me play video games
for hours on end.
You let me be myself,
and I want to be with you
for forever.
[Gasps]
Oh, my God.
Celia, will you marry me?
Are you sure about this?
100%.
- Yes.
- Ooh.
[Chuckles]
I want to break up with you.
What?
I'm sorry. I had to do it.
Uh, maybe the timing isn't perfect.
Maybe?
I'm sorry.
It's okay, Jackie.
Breakups don't have to be dramatic.
We're not Tracy and Hepburn.
From accounting?
Mnh.
That one hurt a little.
I think it's time for me to go.
Okay.
Whoo! [Chuckles]
That felt good. [Chuckles]
I've never walked away
from anything before.
Ah.
Okay. And actually, while I'm at it,
property management
is not my soulmate, either.
I would like to offer my resignation.
I'll miss you.
As my girlfriend.
Work-wise, you're totally replaceable.
I'll miss you, too.
I'm just gonna say goodbye to Jeannie.
Ask her out, and it will be
the last thing you do.
Then I'll just go home.
- [Cheering]
- [Laughs]
Congratulations.
Oh, my God! [Chuckles]
♪♪
Oh, thanks.
I'm still adjusting to the news.
I could use a Celia-sized pour.
In my family,
we call it a "Cousin Carol."
[Sighs]
Are we gonna talk about the kiss?
My baby's engaged.
Yeah, we can stay on that for a second.
It's just so hard 'cause I used to get
to make all their decisions for them.
I used to lay out
their clothes on their beds,
give them their haircuts,
pick their friends,
cut their friends' hair.
I think we should talk about the kiss.
It was nothing.
In the heat of the moment. No big deal.
Still doesn't mean anything.
We're off limits.
See? Nothing. Absolutely
Absolutely nothing.
♪♪
I'm just saying, if I wanted
a computer, I'd get a computer.
I just want a car.
I just want to stop
having this conversation.
How you doing, sweetie?
You feeling okay?
I'm great.
Well, actually, I'm kind of
worried about money.
I do not have a job,
and I do not get to keep the change
that Hank used to leave
on the dresser anymore.
But on the upside, the old man smell
is finally leaving my apartment.
Thank you guys for being Team Jackie.
Well, I'm definitely Team Jackie,
now that we're gonna be sisters.
Mm. [Chuckles]
Wow. You miss one dinner.
Yeah, you're never missing another one.
Like, even if we break up.
But we're never breaking up.
And to celebrate the new development,
I made a special dessert.
It's my famous
three-layer buttercream cake.
Made with four sticks of butter
and an unspeakable amount of sugar.
Now this is a cake.
[Chuckles]
It's an old family recipe,
and since you're family now,
I think it's time to pass
the recipe along to you.
[Exhales sharply]
I'm family.
Careful what you wish for.
[All chuckling]
To family.
- To family.
- Family.
[Indistinct chatter]
I like it. I like it.