Callan's Kicks s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
1 Enda Kenny addresses and depresses the nation.
It's been seven long, painful years since I became your president what? Three and a half? Janey Mack it's felt like a decade! A cautionary tale of hurling with DJ Carey and Sean Og O'Halpin, Hit everything that moves, right? Yeah! If it's the referee, clack him too, right? Yeah! And off we go, after 3take the hinges off the door.
One, Two, Three, (Shouting) And Christy Moore sweats like thinker.
There'll be no drinkin' at me shows, or singin' at me gigs.
The audience is there to help me bank account get big.
Dup-ety-dup-ety, dup-ety-do.
Sit back, relax, pour yourself a tin on Lilt and slip into something more comfortable like that Leaving Cert student who's been vomiting on your Volvo since Wednesday.
It's Friday night, and this is Callan's Kicks.
(Theme music) The Labour Cabinet were out in force to try to convince the nation that they're still relevant.
The ageing trio spoke to a few disinterested hacks outside AIB.
(All talking) Shut up! We're outside AIB, which unbelievably is only the second worse bank in the country with those initials.
A-Anglo Irish Shut up, don't remind them.
With AIB, Labour are proud to have helped carry out the biggest redistribution of wealth in the history of this state, by taking all the money from the taxpayers and the poor and handing it by the truckload to the banks and the Germans.
Hi, Angela! No, I do that.
Jan here, will literally do anything I tell her, like implementing those vicious, unjustifiable Back To School Allowance cuts this month.
They're as cruel and as pointless as what I'm about to do to Jan's scarf.
Joan! What are you doing? Shut up! It's only a Hermes.
And you parents out there whingeing and whining begrudgers you should Eh, Joan I don't think Shut up, it doesn't matter any more, no-one's voting for us ever again, we're gone.
Never mind Sinn Fein, it's me Fein, that's all we care about now.
Hold on a second now Relax, Jan, if you're in for 12 months you get the full pension and it's fucking massive! How can parents afford to clothe their children with a 50 euro cut to the allowance? Lookit, there's great value out there, just go to one of those cheap discounty stores their children's wear is affordable mainly because they're made by other children in a country that's as broke as Ireland.
Thank you.
(Journalists shouting) No! Sssh! No more questions.
Myself and Alex are off to the Rose of Tralee to sell the fracking rights to Kerry.
Thank you.
David Davin Power, off to Tramore.
RTE News.
Hi, I'm Rachel Olin, and in this lovely series, I'll be giving you a glimpse into my wonderful life at Ballymaleuh.
(Laughing) (Giggling) It's a life full of lovely friends and rich fomily, with laughter and money and dancing and money, we don't have a care in the world.
Not even for that thing we never, ever mention! I'm Rachel Olin, and my Ballymeleuh life, is better than yours.
Here at Ballymaleuh, I'm hard at work with my mortgage-in-law Darina.
And today, we're making our notorious Ballymaleuh relish! With a turnover of millions, we're practically running a charity! And it's hand made with loove! Work harder, minions! Add plenty of butter! The best way to enjoy our relish is on some bread.
I'll get Tim to look after that! Who? You can't see him, but he's still here.
I don't know who you're talking about.
(Laughing) Laugh! (All laughing) I love cooking outdoors.
When lighting a barbecue, people like to use peat briquettes or charcoal but why bother go all the way to the shops when you can simply throw in some spare bundles of cash you've got lying around your enormous house.
(Laughs) We were simply delighted when Hollywood star Gabriel Byrne secretly married his young wife on the grounds of Ballymaleuh, last week.
There's quite an age difference between the happy couple.
But I suppose, where love is involved, it doesn't really matter.
BOTH: Lovely! (Laughing) After that silly kerfuffle we never talk about, the family thought it might be curtains for our little multi-national empire but we soon found there was higher power that would always support us, the lovely Irish media! Ballymaleuh, relishes yeuh! Four decades of Christy Moore.
The new collection with hits campaigning eighties 50 pints of porter, and 50 pints of stout go to the grill and ate me fill and then I just pass out.
I get on the boat to England and work the Irish rooms, give out about Maggie Thatcher and Ronnie Reagan too.
And who could forget Christy's best known tunes from his teetotal 90s? I'm givin' up the porter, I'm givin' up the stout, the one thing I'm not givin' up is all me givin' out.
There'll be no drinkin' at me shows or singin' at me gigs, the audience are there to help me bank account get big.
Dup-ety-dup-ety, dup-ety-dupety-do.
It was all change as he hated his way through the Noughties.
Ireland, the Celtic Tiger Tool, it roars no more but I will bore the pants off all of you.
You shouldn't of had the money, you shouldn't have dared to dream I'll criticise you although I'm the cat who got the cream.
Dup-ety-dup-ety, dup-ety, yum-edy, yum-edy, yum And get ready for the fresh new sound of Christy's war on craic.
The year of 013 that Arthur's Day was done, I wrote a song to try and ruin everybody's fun.
Featuring bonus bollicking of his adoring fans.
No singin', no talkin', no clappin', no dancin'.
Sweat On - a collection of Christy's endless classics.
I'm an ordinary man, shut the fuck up! Welcome back.
The top stories tonight are exactly the same as they were this time last year and the year before that, and before that and right back to the Jurassic era, or Anne Doyle's time in the news as it's known.
The annual Festival of Misogyny, Sexism and the Inherent Greed of Kerry people has begun.
The Rose of Tralee brings more Americans to Shannon than the illegal rendition flights Barack Obama's inflicted upon us in exchange for a pint of Guinness and a pat on the head in Offaly.
Mind you with what those poor women are forced to in the Dome while they're being sweated on by their drunken, cheating escorts, as the Garda band blares out that awful ballad is much worse.
It's even rumoured the Tennessee Rose water boarded herself in an attempt to escape from Tralee.
Meanwhile, in surprise news, Leaving Cert students got drunk, shocked and appalled the Evening Herald for the 50th year in a row, and kept Joe Duffy listeners in a state of frothing indignation normally reserved for the mistreatment of cats in made-up TV shows.
Of course they got drunk and had sex, they're teenagers, it's how half of you were conceived.
And now half your own children were too.
And finally in the only real news, the Earth is once again pulling itself asunder from the Middle East outwards.
Let's recap, the Jews, armed by the Fundamentalist American Christians are fighting the Suni Muslims, who are busy of course laying waste to the Shias when they're not cornering Yezidis on the mountain where Noah, who never existed crashed.
Meanwhile the humanist Christian EU are amassing a giant army, not to prevent any of the genocides we just mentioned, but simply to ensure we can still continue selling pigs feet and powdered milk to the peasants in the arse-end of Russia.
But don't worry, Super Soccer Saturday is back tomorrow, so we can all get nice and blackout drunk and pretend none of this matters! (Sighs) The news is broken.
We'll have more later.
I'm done.
Conas ata tu? Today we're at the home of a very loud individual.
I don't mean 'loud' as in my latest constituency of 'Louth', I mean 'loud' as in the sound of a bomb going off.
(Laughs) Anyway, join us as we go through the keyhole.
Get the key lads.
So, who lives in a house like this? Let's take a look at some of the evidence, shall we.
.
Ah, for goodness sake.
This is embarrassing.
Did we not scope the place out, first of all, lads? Very presumptuous of her as well, putting her beside the 1916 martyrs.
I know what we'll do, we'll pretend we never even saw that.
I do it all the time, just watch.
.
Teddy ar la! Now, lets go have a look at the cash.
.
collection of DVDs.
Clearly there is a lot of interest in the situation in the 6 counties.
You have 'Bloody Sunday', You have 'The History of our Struggle' Oh, that Bobby Sands documentary for teenagers wasn't very accurate.
And Oh, what do we have here? It's a reminder of this person's shady past.
(Incorrect buzzer) Lets go see what else we can find.
Well obviously this is someone who has no qualms about declaring their Irishness And they're in a loving relationship.
So not Rory Mcilroy then.
(Laughs) Oh, and what's this over here? The owner of this house is not leadership material, they're a messy hoarder.
And an orange hoarder at that! (Laughs) What was that? They're coming!? Aw Fuck, we're compromised lads.
Okay, lets make like a pair of fucks, and run! Oh, Mary Lou.
What are you doing here? This is my house Gerry! And a fine big house it is for someone on the average industrial wage.
That's rich coming from someone with three addresses, including your retirement home in Donegal.
Retirement! There's plenty of life in the old wolf yet.
And besides, I think you're a little bit too green to be the next leader.
Not to mention, Orange.
(Laughs) Excuse me? With respect.
Anyway, that's all we've got time for, join us next time.
You never know who's home I'll be going 'Through the Keyhole'.
Slan! Wave, Deputy.
Bye! And we're doing Fix it Friday.
We've a letter in from Clare, she has a Volkswagen golf, and she asks the question, what PSI should my tyres be inflated to? Well Clare, the answer to that is on Google.
There you go another fix it, helping out the nation.
Yay.
Yay.
Yay.
Now, in a bit of a change to the show, I want to ask the question, do women really prefer taller men? Yes.
Without a doubt.
Well, that's for our listeners to say, and anyway, the answer is, no.
There's a thing in the paper that agrees with me as well.
Will, any texts? No texts, Ray.
Shut up Will.
Anyway, why is there a camera crew in here Mairaid? I'm actually doing a show for RTE about Irish women and fit fellas, called 'Sex and the fitty' (Ray Laughs) Great name Mairaid.
I know.
I Like the way you played on a current and popular TV series, very clever.
That show actually finished a decade ago.
Shut up Will.
And if you're looking to interview someone for the fitty part, I do 5 kilometre runs.
He hay! Now, here's Paulo Nutini! (Radio jingle plays) You're after pressing the wrong button there.
Something went wrong with the desk there.
Will, that was your fault.
Well, I.
.
Shut up.
Now, lets do some items in the papers.
No mention of my campaign on the fizzy drinks.
.
your sandwich is on my paper there Mairaid.
That's actually my bap, Ray.
Oh, and do you like butter on your baps? (Laughs) (All laugh) Okay, lets do the odd one out quiz.
We don't do that any more.
(Sighs deeply) Will is so stupid.
There's actually a caller on line one, Ray.
Great, who is it? It's president Michael D.
Higgins.
Hello president, is it raining in the Phoenix Park? No it's rather lovely out here, Ryan.
Now, (high pitched cough) I agree that height isn't important, Isn't that Dennis O'Brien wider than he is Oops, don't know what happened there.
Will, any texts? No texts, Ray.
Can I just say something lads? Muffin tops! (Ray laughs) Brilliant! Brilliant, Okay that's it.
And here's Paulo Nutini! Recorded voice: The Ray D'Arcy show on Today FM.
I don't know, if it wasn't for the text machine, we'd be F King screwed.
(Sighs deeply) Coming up after the break, have two fingers of this Be the Jeeasus.
You're so strong, you're like a beast! We all make sacrifices, We're all making sacrifices.
We'll see you in two minutes.
(Irish National Anthem) Friends, Irish mens, Castlebarbarians, lend me what's left of your disposable incomes.
And by lend, I mean, hand it over for good.
It's been 7 long painful years since I became your president.
What? Three and a half? Janey Mack! It's felt like a decade.
I've suffered a wallop in the Seanad, a local and European wallop and next week I get a personal wallop, when Mayo face Kerry in Croagh park.
Lord have mercy on our half back line.
There have been many achievements.
Turn.
Young people have continued to find well paid work at a record rate.
.
On other continents.
House prices are getting higher than 40 year olds at the Electric Picnic.
By the time they sober up, 3 weeks later, they'll wake up at the ploughing championships in Stradbally, staring blearily at a leering Daithi O Se.
Turn back.
But, Daithi O Se's joke beard will also be learing at the many average girls contesting the Rose of Tralee, next week.
I for one, look forward to seeing the Boston Rose recite the complete Jacobs USA biscuit tin collection while playing Sliabh na Mban, using only spoons and a turnip.
It's Kerry's annual opportunity to vacuum the last cent out of every tourist pocket, sending them home broke, hungover and devoid of hope, much like all of ye out there.
But don't worry, we can all find solace in my triple pension, once I escape from this never ending, all expenses paid, 20 hours a week, 7 months a year.
.
nightmare.
Goodnight.
Take care.
If you can't hide them don't ride them and who cares about the state of the mantelpiece if you have a fireplace to poke.
By a lonely prison wall.
.
God save our grac Deutchland.
.
Ireland(Mumbles) Hi, I'm Derek Mooney and I earn 220,000 euro a year, and that makes me an expert on everything.
In this series, I'll be talking off the top of my head about the Secrets of the Irish Landscape.
This is the most challenging week yet.
It's August in RTE and I'm the only person working.
Nobody to make me tea or call me a taxi and I knew I couldn't risk driving my Audi S line, where I was going.
O'Connell Street.
I was pleasantly surprised to find the northside as busy and vibrant as ever.
But of course they're not on holidays.
None of them have jobs.
The Parnell monument is fantastic.
An elegant tribute to Charles Stewart Parnell, a man who became an iconic Nationalist leader, in spite of his Protestant philandering and his disadvantaged upbringing as a wealthy landlord from the Tudor bloodline.
This is a humiliation.
What self respecting Protestant would be found dead on the northside? And what's he pointing at anyway? Smithfield Markets? No, I don't want to buy an old horse or heroin.
The only thing I'm high on is Club Orange and Centrum 55 which I've been on since I hit puberty at 27.
Now, we're off to a mid 19th century reminder of Ireland's grim past.
No, not Sheriff Street.
But a beautiful memorial to the Great Irish Famine.
The Great Hunger was not fantastic.
This memorial marks the spot where the first Famine ship set sail to the New World in search of a better tomorrow and potatoes.
It's a black mark on our nation's history which we shall never forget.
Why didn't they just eat the dog? Or if they had enough money for a ferry crossing to New York, they could have bought some food.
Also we're a nation surrounded by and frequently under water.
Eat some sushi.
And now from heartbreak to shopping.
'Meeting Place' monument is fantastic.
It celebrates the rich salt of the earth characters of Dublin's northside, depicting two women enjoying a well earned rest from selling some apples, oranges and counterfeit cigarettes on Moore Street.
A statue for two nobodies.
What are they talking about anyway? Probably their latest welfare fraud.
And who pays for that? Derek and Brenda Taxpayer, that's who.
And you won't see a statue for them.
No matter how many times I ask RTE.
Disaster has struck.
I've been spotted by some of my fans.
Derek! Mr Mooney! There was only one thing for it.
To give them what every Mooney listener wants.
Who wants to get some of Mooney's money? We do! To win, simply answer the following question.
True or false.
An apple is larger than the planet Venus.
Both: False! Correct! Bye! While they were distracted by the money and their freshly fractured bones, I made a run for it towards the only safe haven I know.
Dublin's southside.
Hello there, foreign multinationals and tyrant billionaires.
I'm Ireland's finance minister and "second in command" Michael "Power-Nap" Noonan.
Here's my guide to the Irish taxation system 2014 to 2016 or what I like to call Taking the Complete Michael.
It's really heavy.
Ireland.
You may not have heard of it over in Silicon Valley but it's a desolate rock somewhere between Newfoundland, the Faroe Islands and west Scotland.
And if you think that sounds depressing, you'd be right.
However we're home to many big name companies like the Intel who manufactures the bong sound when your PC crashes.
The Goggle.
Which is like the Golden Pages and Aertel.
International super villain Dr Dre has his Beats company here.
I think it has something to do with vegetables.
He has 99 problems but his tax ain't one.
And here's the IKEA.
A huge Norwegian day-care centre for those in negative equity located in the ancient ruins of the mythical Ballymun flats.
On top of all that we're the world's centre of the cloud which is the vaporised remnants of our people's hopes and dreams.
But Michael.
I don't understand.
Sure any of these greedy, heartless, profit mongering corporations could have located in a tax haven like Switzerland or Monaco.
Or how about an island paradise? The Seychelles or the Caymans? I'm glad you asked me that, Michael.
And here to answer is the Banker Magazine's finance minister of the year, me.
Thanks, lads.
I'll take it from here.
This rock has many attractions.
Many corporations are rightly worried about rebellious citizens like Greece, Spain, the London riots, the Arab Spring.
The Irish are different though.
They're so broken they can't even look you straight in the shoes.
And I'll tell you why.
800 years of oppression.
90 years of Catholic dictatorship.
80 years of Fianna Fail corruption and incompetence.
And then we came along.
What's more, we've taken all these savings and passed them on to ye.
So join us and Take the Complete Michael out of the Irish people from 2014 to 2016 and beyond.
This limited offer must end soon before the EU or Obama stops us.
I'm waiting to take your call between naps.
(sound of hearbeat) The destiny of man.
(baby cries) Oh, look, 'tis a fella! Good man yourself! A gift passed from father to son.
From generation to generation.
Do whatever the bainisteoir says.
Don't make a show of us.
We'll make a man of him yet.
We'll show you what to do.
Run! Run! But destiny has a price.
(he cries) You soft boy! Will you get up! Get up and show something! And only the bravest will pay that price.
(howling) Boy becomes man.
With the beginnings of success comes temptation.
One pint in December and that's it.
If I catch you with a pint in your hand, you're out of the team.
I've seen too many players ruined.
Stay away from them.
Don't mind those guys.
I've seen it all before.
They're a crowd of users.
When you're on top they want you.
As soon as anything happens they won't want you any more.
Don't mind that fella! He doesn't know what he's talking about.
He has nine All-Stars.
He never did it for the parish.
You're a good club man but if you want to go county you need to work! 25 to go, lads.
Come on! Greatness is made one lap at a time.
It's knowing the feel of sun and rain and sleet and pain across your face.
And running just the same.
(yells in pain) Mind yourself.
Think of your future.
These guys don't give a shit.
They only want you for the next match.
Don't mind him! You can do it! Walk the lap! Keep training! Do it for the love of the game! I'm only getting expenses here.
I believe in you.
We all make sacrifices.
We're doing it for the parish.
Only one shot at this county final.
Are ye ready? Yeah! Do ye want it? Yeah.
Tactic is: Hit everything that moves, right? All: YEAH!!!! If it's the referee, clock him too, right? YEAH!! Fuck them! And off we go, after three, take the hinges off the door YEAH!! COME ON!!! All: ONE, TWO, THREE YEAAHHH!!!! It all leads to this moment (Cracks hurl) (All Cheer) And a legend is born!! YEAHH!!! (Crowd Cheers) Oh, he's so hot.
(The three women whisper and murmur in his ear) Get out of here! Aaah!! (Glass breaks) You're so strong! You're like a BEAST! Jaysus! (Laughs) (Kissing sound) The retired hero opens the biggest bar in the parish.
A just reward for a lifetime of sacrifice.
They will never leave his side I'll love you forever!! (Crowd cheering) (Glass breaks) Alright lads, just one more, now.
But medals tarnish with time.
There you go.
Glories fade, as fresh heroes are made.
Thanks, lads.
You're coming in for the band at the weekend.
The minors are going fierce well lads, anyway, aren't they? (Glass clicking) Alright.
See yas, lads! Thanks for coming in again.
Jees, if it wasn't for the two of ye pair.
.
(Glass clanging) I'd have no one left at all.
Things have gone fairly quiet, all the same.
Sure, there's not a pair of lads? Lads are you not staying for one more? (SILENCE) A hero.
Forgotten.
(Sighs) Look at ye! You're like your father! I married the wrong brother.
(Baby whimpers) (Grunts) (Chokes) (Coughing and Gasping) (Priest blesses body) (Crying) I always loved him! Aaahh! Your father was a legend.
You've a lot to live up to.
You've a lot to live up to.
You have.
I'll see you at training tomorrow.
Do it, boy! And the circle begins again.
Log onto Callan's Kicks Facebook and Twitter for the full uncut How To Be a Hurler.
And that's it for this series.
It doesn't matter how much news I feed you, nothing ever changes.
In fact one wonders what's the point any more? All I can do now is head home to my meaningless mediocre life in my estate and take solace in the little things in life like playing a little round of golf and the odd foursome.
I'm a specialist at birdies and I often get the odd hole-in-one.
Oh stop, Dobo! Now now, it's Professor Dobo.
That's all from me.
I'll be up for a while but you go back to sleep now, Ireland.
It's been seven long, painful years since I became your president what? Three and a half? Janey Mack it's felt like a decade! A cautionary tale of hurling with DJ Carey and Sean Og O'Halpin, Hit everything that moves, right? Yeah! If it's the referee, clack him too, right? Yeah! And off we go, after 3take the hinges off the door.
One, Two, Three, (Shouting) And Christy Moore sweats like thinker.
There'll be no drinkin' at me shows, or singin' at me gigs.
The audience is there to help me bank account get big.
Dup-ety-dup-ety, dup-ety-do.
Sit back, relax, pour yourself a tin on Lilt and slip into something more comfortable like that Leaving Cert student who's been vomiting on your Volvo since Wednesday.
It's Friday night, and this is Callan's Kicks.
(Theme music) The Labour Cabinet were out in force to try to convince the nation that they're still relevant.
The ageing trio spoke to a few disinterested hacks outside AIB.
(All talking) Shut up! We're outside AIB, which unbelievably is only the second worse bank in the country with those initials.
A-Anglo Irish Shut up, don't remind them.
With AIB, Labour are proud to have helped carry out the biggest redistribution of wealth in the history of this state, by taking all the money from the taxpayers and the poor and handing it by the truckload to the banks and the Germans.
Hi, Angela! No, I do that.
Jan here, will literally do anything I tell her, like implementing those vicious, unjustifiable Back To School Allowance cuts this month.
They're as cruel and as pointless as what I'm about to do to Jan's scarf.
Joan! What are you doing? Shut up! It's only a Hermes.
And you parents out there whingeing and whining begrudgers you should Eh, Joan I don't think Shut up, it doesn't matter any more, no-one's voting for us ever again, we're gone.
Never mind Sinn Fein, it's me Fein, that's all we care about now.
Hold on a second now Relax, Jan, if you're in for 12 months you get the full pension and it's fucking massive! How can parents afford to clothe their children with a 50 euro cut to the allowance? Lookit, there's great value out there, just go to one of those cheap discounty stores their children's wear is affordable mainly because they're made by other children in a country that's as broke as Ireland.
Thank you.
(Journalists shouting) No! Sssh! No more questions.
Myself and Alex are off to the Rose of Tralee to sell the fracking rights to Kerry.
Thank you.
David Davin Power, off to Tramore.
RTE News.
Hi, I'm Rachel Olin, and in this lovely series, I'll be giving you a glimpse into my wonderful life at Ballymaleuh.
(Laughing) (Giggling) It's a life full of lovely friends and rich fomily, with laughter and money and dancing and money, we don't have a care in the world.
Not even for that thing we never, ever mention! I'm Rachel Olin, and my Ballymeleuh life, is better than yours.
Here at Ballymaleuh, I'm hard at work with my mortgage-in-law Darina.
And today, we're making our notorious Ballymaleuh relish! With a turnover of millions, we're practically running a charity! And it's hand made with loove! Work harder, minions! Add plenty of butter! The best way to enjoy our relish is on some bread.
I'll get Tim to look after that! Who? You can't see him, but he's still here.
I don't know who you're talking about.
(Laughing) Laugh! (All laughing) I love cooking outdoors.
When lighting a barbecue, people like to use peat briquettes or charcoal but why bother go all the way to the shops when you can simply throw in some spare bundles of cash you've got lying around your enormous house.
(Laughs) We were simply delighted when Hollywood star Gabriel Byrne secretly married his young wife on the grounds of Ballymaleuh, last week.
There's quite an age difference between the happy couple.
But I suppose, where love is involved, it doesn't really matter.
BOTH: Lovely! (Laughing) After that silly kerfuffle we never talk about, the family thought it might be curtains for our little multi-national empire but we soon found there was higher power that would always support us, the lovely Irish media! Ballymaleuh, relishes yeuh! Four decades of Christy Moore.
The new collection with hits campaigning eighties 50 pints of porter, and 50 pints of stout go to the grill and ate me fill and then I just pass out.
I get on the boat to England and work the Irish rooms, give out about Maggie Thatcher and Ronnie Reagan too.
And who could forget Christy's best known tunes from his teetotal 90s? I'm givin' up the porter, I'm givin' up the stout, the one thing I'm not givin' up is all me givin' out.
There'll be no drinkin' at me shows or singin' at me gigs, the audience are there to help me bank account get big.
Dup-ety-dup-ety, dup-ety-dupety-do.
It was all change as he hated his way through the Noughties.
Ireland, the Celtic Tiger Tool, it roars no more but I will bore the pants off all of you.
You shouldn't of had the money, you shouldn't have dared to dream I'll criticise you although I'm the cat who got the cream.
Dup-ety-dup-ety, dup-ety, yum-edy, yum-edy, yum And get ready for the fresh new sound of Christy's war on craic.
The year of 013 that Arthur's Day was done, I wrote a song to try and ruin everybody's fun.
Featuring bonus bollicking of his adoring fans.
No singin', no talkin', no clappin', no dancin'.
Sweat On - a collection of Christy's endless classics.
I'm an ordinary man, shut the fuck up! Welcome back.
The top stories tonight are exactly the same as they were this time last year and the year before that, and before that and right back to the Jurassic era, or Anne Doyle's time in the news as it's known.
The annual Festival of Misogyny, Sexism and the Inherent Greed of Kerry people has begun.
The Rose of Tralee brings more Americans to Shannon than the illegal rendition flights Barack Obama's inflicted upon us in exchange for a pint of Guinness and a pat on the head in Offaly.
Mind you with what those poor women are forced to in the Dome while they're being sweated on by their drunken, cheating escorts, as the Garda band blares out that awful ballad is much worse.
It's even rumoured the Tennessee Rose water boarded herself in an attempt to escape from Tralee.
Meanwhile, in surprise news, Leaving Cert students got drunk, shocked and appalled the Evening Herald for the 50th year in a row, and kept Joe Duffy listeners in a state of frothing indignation normally reserved for the mistreatment of cats in made-up TV shows.
Of course they got drunk and had sex, they're teenagers, it's how half of you were conceived.
And now half your own children were too.
And finally in the only real news, the Earth is once again pulling itself asunder from the Middle East outwards.
Let's recap, the Jews, armed by the Fundamentalist American Christians are fighting the Suni Muslims, who are busy of course laying waste to the Shias when they're not cornering Yezidis on the mountain where Noah, who never existed crashed.
Meanwhile the humanist Christian EU are amassing a giant army, not to prevent any of the genocides we just mentioned, but simply to ensure we can still continue selling pigs feet and powdered milk to the peasants in the arse-end of Russia.
But don't worry, Super Soccer Saturday is back tomorrow, so we can all get nice and blackout drunk and pretend none of this matters! (Sighs) The news is broken.
We'll have more later.
I'm done.
Conas ata tu? Today we're at the home of a very loud individual.
I don't mean 'loud' as in my latest constituency of 'Louth', I mean 'loud' as in the sound of a bomb going off.
(Laughs) Anyway, join us as we go through the keyhole.
Get the key lads.
So, who lives in a house like this? Let's take a look at some of the evidence, shall we.
.
Ah, for goodness sake.
This is embarrassing.
Did we not scope the place out, first of all, lads? Very presumptuous of her as well, putting her beside the 1916 martyrs.
I know what we'll do, we'll pretend we never even saw that.
I do it all the time, just watch.
.
Teddy ar la! Now, lets go have a look at the cash.
.
collection of DVDs.
Clearly there is a lot of interest in the situation in the 6 counties.
You have 'Bloody Sunday', You have 'The History of our Struggle' Oh, that Bobby Sands documentary for teenagers wasn't very accurate.
And Oh, what do we have here? It's a reminder of this person's shady past.
(Incorrect buzzer) Lets go see what else we can find.
Well obviously this is someone who has no qualms about declaring their Irishness And they're in a loving relationship.
So not Rory Mcilroy then.
(Laughs) Oh, and what's this over here? The owner of this house is not leadership material, they're a messy hoarder.
And an orange hoarder at that! (Laughs) What was that? They're coming!? Aw Fuck, we're compromised lads.
Okay, lets make like a pair of fucks, and run! Oh, Mary Lou.
What are you doing here? This is my house Gerry! And a fine big house it is for someone on the average industrial wage.
That's rich coming from someone with three addresses, including your retirement home in Donegal.
Retirement! There's plenty of life in the old wolf yet.
And besides, I think you're a little bit too green to be the next leader.
Not to mention, Orange.
(Laughs) Excuse me? With respect.
Anyway, that's all we've got time for, join us next time.
You never know who's home I'll be going 'Through the Keyhole'.
Slan! Wave, Deputy.
Bye! And we're doing Fix it Friday.
We've a letter in from Clare, she has a Volkswagen golf, and she asks the question, what PSI should my tyres be inflated to? Well Clare, the answer to that is on Google.
There you go another fix it, helping out the nation.
Yay.
Yay.
Yay.
Now, in a bit of a change to the show, I want to ask the question, do women really prefer taller men? Yes.
Without a doubt.
Well, that's for our listeners to say, and anyway, the answer is, no.
There's a thing in the paper that agrees with me as well.
Will, any texts? No texts, Ray.
Shut up Will.
Anyway, why is there a camera crew in here Mairaid? I'm actually doing a show for RTE about Irish women and fit fellas, called 'Sex and the fitty' (Ray Laughs) Great name Mairaid.
I know.
I Like the way you played on a current and popular TV series, very clever.
That show actually finished a decade ago.
Shut up Will.
And if you're looking to interview someone for the fitty part, I do 5 kilometre runs.
He hay! Now, here's Paulo Nutini! (Radio jingle plays) You're after pressing the wrong button there.
Something went wrong with the desk there.
Will, that was your fault.
Well, I.
.
Shut up.
Now, lets do some items in the papers.
No mention of my campaign on the fizzy drinks.
.
your sandwich is on my paper there Mairaid.
That's actually my bap, Ray.
Oh, and do you like butter on your baps? (Laughs) (All laugh) Okay, lets do the odd one out quiz.
We don't do that any more.
(Sighs deeply) Will is so stupid.
There's actually a caller on line one, Ray.
Great, who is it? It's president Michael D.
Higgins.
Hello president, is it raining in the Phoenix Park? No it's rather lovely out here, Ryan.
Now, (high pitched cough) I agree that height isn't important, Isn't that Dennis O'Brien wider than he is Oops, don't know what happened there.
Will, any texts? No texts, Ray.
Can I just say something lads? Muffin tops! (Ray laughs) Brilliant! Brilliant, Okay that's it.
And here's Paulo Nutini! Recorded voice: The Ray D'Arcy show on Today FM.
I don't know, if it wasn't for the text machine, we'd be F King screwed.
(Sighs deeply) Coming up after the break, have two fingers of this Be the Jeeasus.
You're so strong, you're like a beast! We all make sacrifices, We're all making sacrifices.
We'll see you in two minutes.
(Irish National Anthem) Friends, Irish mens, Castlebarbarians, lend me what's left of your disposable incomes.
And by lend, I mean, hand it over for good.
It's been 7 long painful years since I became your president.
What? Three and a half? Janey Mack! It's felt like a decade.
I've suffered a wallop in the Seanad, a local and European wallop and next week I get a personal wallop, when Mayo face Kerry in Croagh park.
Lord have mercy on our half back line.
There have been many achievements.
Turn.
Young people have continued to find well paid work at a record rate.
.
On other continents.
House prices are getting higher than 40 year olds at the Electric Picnic.
By the time they sober up, 3 weeks later, they'll wake up at the ploughing championships in Stradbally, staring blearily at a leering Daithi O Se.
Turn back.
But, Daithi O Se's joke beard will also be learing at the many average girls contesting the Rose of Tralee, next week.
I for one, look forward to seeing the Boston Rose recite the complete Jacobs USA biscuit tin collection while playing Sliabh na Mban, using only spoons and a turnip.
It's Kerry's annual opportunity to vacuum the last cent out of every tourist pocket, sending them home broke, hungover and devoid of hope, much like all of ye out there.
But don't worry, we can all find solace in my triple pension, once I escape from this never ending, all expenses paid, 20 hours a week, 7 months a year.
.
nightmare.
Goodnight.
Take care.
If you can't hide them don't ride them and who cares about the state of the mantelpiece if you have a fireplace to poke.
By a lonely prison wall.
.
God save our grac Deutchland.
.
Ireland(Mumbles) Hi, I'm Derek Mooney and I earn 220,000 euro a year, and that makes me an expert on everything.
In this series, I'll be talking off the top of my head about the Secrets of the Irish Landscape.
This is the most challenging week yet.
It's August in RTE and I'm the only person working.
Nobody to make me tea or call me a taxi and I knew I couldn't risk driving my Audi S line, where I was going.
O'Connell Street.
I was pleasantly surprised to find the northside as busy and vibrant as ever.
But of course they're not on holidays.
None of them have jobs.
The Parnell monument is fantastic.
An elegant tribute to Charles Stewart Parnell, a man who became an iconic Nationalist leader, in spite of his Protestant philandering and his disadvantaged upbringing as a wealthy landlord from the Tudor bloodline.
This is a humiliation.
What self respecting Protestant would be found dead on the northside? And what's he pointing at anyway? Smithfield Markets? No, I don't want to buy an old horse or heroin.
The only thing I'm high on is Club Orange and Centrum 55 which I've been on since I hit puberty at 27.
Now, we're off to a mid 19th century reminder of Ireland's grim past.
No, not Sheriff Street.
But a beautiful memorial to the Great Irish Famine.
The Great Hunger was not fantastic.
This memorial marks the spot where the first Famine ship set sail to the New World in search of a better tomorrow and potatoes.
It's a black mark on our nation's history which we shall never forget.
Why didn't they just eat the dog? Or if they had enough money for a ferry crossing to New York, they could have bought some food.
Also we're a nation surrounded by and frequently under water.
Eat some sushi.
And now from heartbreak to shopping.
'Meeting Place' monument is fantastic.
It celebrates the rich salt of the earth characters of Dublin's northside, depicting two women enjoying a well earned rest from selling some apples, oranges and counterfeit cigarettes on Moore Street.
A statue for two nobodies.
What are they talking about anyway? Probably their latest welfare fraud.
And who pays for that? Derek and Brenda Taxpayer, that's who.
And you won't see a statue for them.
No matter how many times I ask RTE.
Disaster has struck.
I've been spotted by some of my fans.
Derek! Mr Mooney! There was only one thing for it.
To give them what every Mooney listener wants.
Who wants to get some of Mooney's money? We do! To win, simply answer the following question.
True or false.
An apple is larger than the planet Venus.
Both: False! Correct! Bye! While they were distracted by the money and their freshly fractured bones, I made a run for it towards the only safe haven I know.
Dublin's southside.
Hello there, foreign multinationals and tyrant billionaires.
I'm Ireland's finance minister and "second in command" Michael "Power-Nap" Noonan.
Here's my guide to the Irish taxation system 2014 to 2016 or what I like to call Taking the Complete Michael.
It's really heavy.
Ireland.
You may not have heard of it over in Silicon Valley but it's a desolate rock somewhere between Newfoundland, the Faroe Islands and west Scotland.
And if you think that sounds depressing, you'd be right.
However we're home to many big name companies like the Intel who manufactures the bong sound when your PC crashes.
The Goggle.
Which is like the Golden Pages and Aertel.
International super villain Dr Dre has his Beats company here.
I think it has something to do with vegetables.
He has 99 problems but his tax ain't one.
And here's the IKEA.
A huge Norwegian day-care centre for those in negative equity located in the ancient ruins of the mythical Ballymun flats.
On top of all that we're the world's centre of the cloud which is the vaporised remnants of our people's hopes and dreams.
But Michael.
I don't understand.
Sure any of these greedy, heartless, profit mongering corporations could have located in a tax haven like Switzerland or Monaco.
Or how about an island paradise? The Seychelles or the Caymans? I'm glad you asked me that, Michael.
And here to answer is the Banker Magazine's finance minister of the year, me.
Thanks, lads.
I'll take it from here.
This rock has many attractions.
Many corporations are rightly worried about rebellious citizens like Greece, Spain, the London riots, the Arab Spring.
The Irish are different though.
They're so broken they can't even look you straight in the shoes.
And I'll tell you why.
800 years of oppression.
90 years of Catholic dictatorship.
80 years of Fianna Fail corruption and incompetence.
And then we came along.
What's more, we've taken all these savings and passed them on to ye.
So join us and Take the Complete Michael out of the Irish people from 2014 to 2016 and beyond.
This limited offer must end soon before the EU or Obama stops us.
I'm waiting to take your call between naps.
(sound of hearbeat) The destiny of man.
(baby cries) Oh, look, 'tis a fella! Good man yourself! A gift passed from father to son.
From generation to generation.
Do whatever the bainisteoir says.
Don't make a show of us.
We'll make a man of him yet.
We'll show you what to do.
Run! Run! But destiny has a price.
(he cries) You soft boy! Will you get up! Get up and show something! And only the bravest will pay that price.
(howling) Boy becomes man.
With the beginnings of success comes temptation.
One pint in December and that's it.
If I catch you with a pint in your hand, you're out of the team.
I've seen too many players ruined.
Stay away from them.
Don't mind those guys.
I've seen it all before.
They're a crowd of users.
When you're on top they want you.
As soon as anything happens they won't want you any more.
Don't mind that fella! He doesn't know what he's talking about.
He has nine All-Stars.
He never did it for the parish.
You're a good club man but if you want to go county you need to work! 25 to go, lads.
Come on! Greatness is made one lap at a time.
It's knowing the feel of sun and rain and sleet and pain across your face.
And running just the same.
(yells in pain) Mind yourself.
Think of your future.
These guys don't give a shit.
They only want you for the next match.
Don't mind him! You can do it! Walk the lap! Keep training! Do it for the love of the game! I'm only getting expenses here.
I believe in you.
We all make sacrifices.
We're doing it for the parish.
Only one shot at this county final.
Are ye ready? Yeah! Do ye want it? Yeah.
Tactic is: Hit everything that moves, right? All: YEAH!!!! If it's the referee, clock him too, right? YEAH!! Fuck them! And off we go, after three, take the hinges off the door YEAH!! COME ON!!! All: ONE, TWO, THREE YEAAHHH!!!! It all leads to this moment (Cracks hurl) (All Cheer) And a legend is born!! YEAHH!!! (Crowd Cheers) Oh, he's so hot.
(The three women whisper and murmur in his ear) Get out of here! Aaah!! (Glass breaks) You're so strong! You're like a BEAST! Jaysus! (Laughs) (Kissing sound) The retired hero opens the biggest bar in the parish.
A just reward for a lifetime of sacrifice.
They will never leave his side I'll love you forever!! (Crowd cheering) (Glass breaks) Alright lads, just one more, now.
But medals tarnish with time.
There you go.
Glories fade, as fresh heroes are made.
Thanks, lads.
You're coming in for the band at the weekend.
The minors are going fierce well lads, anyway, aren't they? (Glass clicking) Alright.
See yas, lads! Thanks for coming in again.
Jees, if it wasn't for the two of ye pair.
.
(Glass clanging) I'd have no one left at all.
Things have gone fairly quiet, all the same.
Sure, there's not a pair of lads? Lads are you not staying for one more? (SILENCE) A hero.
Forgotten.
(Sighs) Look at ye! You're like your father! I married the wrong brother.
(Baby whimpers) (Grunts) (Chokes) (Coughing and Gasping) (Priest blesses body) (Crying) I always loved him! Aaahh! Your father was a legend.
You've a lot to live up to.
You've a lot to live up to.
You have.
I'll see you at training tomorrow.
Do it, boy! And the circle begins again.
Log onto Callan's Kicks Facebook and Twitter for the full uncut How To Be a Hurler.
And that's it for this series.
It doesn't matter how much news I feed you, nothing ever changes.
In fact one wonders what's the point any more? All I can do now is head home to my meaningless mediocre life in my estate and take solace in the little things in life like playing a little round of golf and the odd foursome.
I'm a specialist at birdies and I often get the odd hole-in-one.
Oh stop, Dobo! Now now, it's Professor Dobo.
That's all from me.
I'll be up for a while but you go back to sleep now, Ireland.