Campus (2009) s01e06 Episode Script
An Ending And A Beginning And An Ending
Time creeps on, my friend.
Soon, the bloodthirsty consultant's report will come down on us like the proverbial Assyrian upon the fold.
By sundown today, it could wipe this seat of learning from the map.
Please let us form an alliance.
You sign where it says, "Oriental maths prodigy".
It actually says "ornamental" just ignore that.
If this is still about, "Will I ever see my parents again?" I will tell them where you are just as soon as your headline-grabbing maths genius has saved Kirke.
Now, what if I said you could have a brand-new calculator in the shape of a giant pregnant panda? What about if drama department allowed you to play King Lear later this year? What about if I got you a private hairdresser called Lucy-Anne? So, where's my office? Celebratory cigar? I'm not stupid.
I know that.
I know that! And that is why seven of us smuggled you into a van.
Come on in! You catch me in a good mood.
I'm having a growth spurt! All right, trust me, I've been inside more women than I have newsagents.
I will get older, you know! I predict now that our age gap will remain the same.
You know I can't compete when you bring maths into this.
Can I do the exam at home? No.
I suppose they don't even let you take alcohol in either? Joking! This is so hard.
You stay away from her.
What? If you know what's good for you.
I know people who could shrink you.
Stop! Oh, your hair looks horrible.
Why do you look so awful? What is it? Yeah, I'm not going to use that one either.
You look Oh, God! No.
You look like a horse when you come.
What? Your face resembles that of a horse yawning when you come.
'just in time to savour a few end-of-term perks.
'Fell in love a few weeks back, until I reached down the front 'of my trousers, remembered I was a man.
What's the old saying? "Love puts your balls in a vice and stops you from having lots of shallow, sexy fun.
" 'So true.
' 'Oh, hello!' Big day today! Been practising your presentation in front of the mirror? Checking your report on spellcheck? UK spellings, please.
None of your col-or, hum-or Shouldn't you be working? While you still can.
'Nope! I should be standing here sexily.
'Oh, yeah, here she comes, riding her bicycle in that accusing way of hers.
'Just remind Miss Speccy the Boffin 'that I don't do no girlie romantic shit.
'Say something casual.
Say something wittily meaningless.
'Speak to her.
' 'Speak to me.
' 'Speak to her.
' 'Speak to me.
' 'Speak to her.
' 'Speak to me.
' 'All right, not sure I actually said anything with my mouth, 'but my witty silence definitely said it all.
'No-one owns these balls but me, Miss Missy.
' You are following in some very famous footsteps here.
Some of the greatest minds in British history attended Kirke University.
Who? What? Who were they? Who were who? The ones who studied here? Um Oliver Cromwell, Queen Victoria, Bobby Moore, Patrick Moore, the xylophone player, Sir Clive Sinclair, inventor of children's toys, Simon Cowell, the rich man, Nicola Roberts, the clever one in Girls Aloud, Adrian Chiles, the originator of mild sports sarcasm.
You're a liar.
What?! Nicola isn't the clever one.
That's right, it's Kimberley.
You can't fool a genius, can you? You're hurting my hand! Hiya.
Nice weekend? Er, well, no, not really.
I went to my uncle's funeral.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you want to talk about it? No, it's fine.
He wasn't my real uncle.
I just called him Uncle.
Did you bury him or burn him? We buried him.
Yeah.
But he was in an open-top coffin, which was vertical, and we had to shake his hand.
I like that.
You get to say a proper goodbye.
Yeah.
Did you have music? Yeah, Elton John.
Candle? Um, no, the other one.
Tiny Dancer? I'm Still Standing.
Oh.
He's one of Elton John, one of your lot, isn't he? Gay, I mean, not an accommodations officer.
Yeah, he is gay.
Tremendously so.
I don't know him, though.
So, did Cecilia go with you? No, no.
She says seeing me cry disgusts her.
Did you cry, then? No, not really.
Yeah, a bit.
Aw.
Are we allowed to hold hands? Us gays are really good for the grieving process.
Aw.
Bye! Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye Get a room! He's grieving for his uncle.
It's not my real uncle.
Oh, look who we have here.
A pretty lady with glasses.
There we are.
Stay! Imogen, would you please say hello to our new head of maths? What?! I'm joking, obviously.
But please do say hello to the math department's latest recruit.
Hello.
Now, I'm going to leave him in your very capable hands.
Stay! Bring it on.
Sit down.
And Wilkie Collins uses this device of the unreliable narrator in The Moonstone.
The effect can be quite unsettling.
Normally in a novel, the narrator is reliable, trustworthy.
Not here.
'What about your own narrator?' What? Sorry? Not you.
'What about if your own narrator starts lying? 'What if, earlier, I was bullshitting 'about you being back to your old self? 'Truth is, you're not a despicable bastard any more.
' Yes I am.
Nothing's changed.
'Beg to differ.
Just look at your sad, moony face.
'It's gone all James Blunt.
' It has not! What hasn't? 'Oh, bollocks.
' 'We've both lost our minds to a mere girl.
' 'We'd better pull our socks up, although, as your narrator, sadly, I have no feet and therefore no need for socks.
It's down to you, Matthew.
' Don't call me Matthew.
I didn't.
Not you.
'Let's go for some commitment.
What's the worst that can happen? 'We change our minds again? 'Might screw things up completely for her and Flat, but hey, 'that's what we want deep down, isn't it?' It isn't what I want.
'Isn't it?' Leave.
Now, please.
Quickly.
You're beautiful You're beautiful, it's true.
'Oh, God! I'm sunk.
' What are we like, eh? Us single women? All the single All the same, aren't we, eh? You know what I mean.
Married to our work.
Thank the Lord for dating websites, right? I mean, let's be honest, we all use dating websites, don't we? I mean, I don't, personally, but, you know I'm going to have sex! I'm not going to heal over, like you.
Or you.
Maybe not you.
I'm going to have loads of sex! With actual men.
Ooh! Who are you? Who are you? What are you doing this weekend? Um I've decided to take a year off.
What? In one weekend? It'll probably take about a year.
Oh! What, like a gap year? Great! We can go travelling together.
We'll do the big three Ayia Napa, Ibiza, Magaluf.
No, no, it's more of a sabbatical.
I've got to fully concentrate on my book, no distractions.
Bored.
All right.
Well solve this, young master prodigy.
It took me 20 minutes, but I'll give you one great big whole hour, OK? Look, is this about Matt? I thought you'd worked out that was a dead end.
Of course it's a dead end, but so is this.
Oh, come on, Immy.
Don't stick your feet on the table.
Look, over the past, what, few weeks, you've broken up with me every single day, sometimes twice in a day.
I need to put some space between Between us? Yeah, that was day three.
I don't feel how you want me to feel.
I know.
That was day eight.
Well, I like you, but Day 12.
You're too young.
Day 18.
I'm too old.
19 and 20.
Done.
Shall we tell the beardy man? The Vice Chancellor is very busy.
I can send him an e-mail.
Look, I'm in charge, OK? Let's carry this on in my office.
Come on! OK.
As existentialist acts go, that's quite cautious.
Good.
Good.
Good morning, my little viper.
Now, I suggest that you keep an eye on all media outlets for news of our latest Kirke recruit.
Too little too late, perhaps.
I publish my report this afternoon.
Ah, yes, the dreaded report of doom.
Give us a clue.
Come on, will good old Kirke scrape a B plus? Well, I don't think I'm giving too much away when I say that there are some inefficient areas and some even more inefficient areas.
Oh, let's try to # Accentuate the positive! # shall we? There aren't many, but it seems the sports centre did turn a sort of profit.
A profit, you say?! Of a kind.
Grace! We have had some fantastic news! Grace.
Grace, how long have we got until she brings us down? Oh, God! Oh.
So, it probably would be best spent not just watching this, then? Right.
Right Thought mademoiselle might want a warm almond croissant Oh, my God! Oh, God, Nicole, can you hear me? Can you hear me? Grace, call an ambulance! Nicole, what happened? Hole-punched in the neck Grace! Oh, that's horrible! Kiss of life What?! Kiss of life But you're breathing, it won't OK, all right.
Right, hold still! That was so sweet! Quick, Grace! Help me restrain her! It's theatre blood! What?! It wasn't funny, was it? Uh It's hilarious.
I was so It was a gag.
Yeah No.
Ah, it's fine.
Um Very funny.
Yep! Thought we'd lost you, there.
Grace, we don't need to get an ambulance! I know, it's only a joke.
I'm sorry, Jason.
OK.
Jason Yeah, OK By the way, I got you these almond croissants.
Um I warmed them up.
Have mine.
You've got fake blood on your shirt.
OK.
His uncle just died.
It wasn't his real uncle.
Hello.
Grace said you wanted to see me.
Mm-hm.
What do you think? About what? This! Um I am having a sit-in.
Wanted to know if you wanted to join the protest.
Thought your best-selling public profile might lend it some weight.
What's this one about? Ban the Canadian.
Wait I'm sensing this is a personal issue, rather than a crusade against Canadians in general? At the moment, yes.
It's about our baby-faced assassin publishing her ludicrously, ludicrously unbalanced report today! How do you know it's unbalanced if it hasn't been published yet? I've got a nose for these things.
Call it a hunch, or call it a small listening device in her office, whichever.
This sit-in, when did it start? About half an hour ago.
I'm going through to five-thirty, six o'clock.
The same time you're normally at your desk? Yeah.
I'm multitasking, yes.
It was Mrs De Wolfe's idea.
She is amazing.
Where's the media? How are you going to bring anyone's attention to this? Right.
Yeah, Mrs De Wolfe's plans do often reveal her hasty nature.
Ah, well.
Another time! Now, if you'll excuse me, I need the little boy's room.
Yes Can I get you the key? Sadly, that part of the protest was meticulously planned.
In case the pigs tried to forcibly unlock me "Fuck off!" I've posted it.
It is currently en route to a small tobacconist in Somerset.
I don't think there's anything else I can do to help.
Could you ask Grace to come in here with the po, please? Grace! Remember, you're a despicable bastard.
Remember, he's a despicable bastard.
Remember, you're a Oh, God! Just remembered despicable bastard.
I had to go this way around the K.
Remember, he could ruin your life.
Remember, you don't want to ruin her life.
That's a door.
Argh, what was that? Argh.
And these are the these are the admin staff.
This one is a girl.
Oh, thanks! It's just that you can never be too sure.
Oh, look, photocopier! Do you want to photocopy something? Quick! Photocopy the bum, yeah? 20 bums.
Grow up.
Yeah, grow up.
Me? Look at you Fine.
See you later, stupid.
Jason's really upset.
He's been crying.
Oh, shitting hell.
Go on, go on.
Oh, Jason.
I'm I'm really, really, really sorry.
I'm really sorry.
Ha! I'm not really crying.
What? I've got a plate of chopped onions in my lap.
I've had my face in it for the last ten minutes.
Nice work.
Look at Touche, my lord.
That is That's great gag preparation.
It's the best practical joke I've ever played.
Isn't it hurting, though? It's really stinging.
Can we go and wash it off? Yeah, it's making me cry.
Oh It doesn't really work as a joke, actually, does it? No, it's a really good joke.
No, no.
I say I'm not really crying, but of course I am.
Anyway, it's fine.
Jase Ow! Jason It's fine, it's fine.
It's fine.
It was a really good joke! So, I've just joined a dating website.
Gosh, right How nice.
See, that's my profile.
Oh, God, you're naked.
Well, all except my socks.
What do you think of that guy? Oh! And that's in a flaccid state.
Yes, I can see that.
There are sites for every type.
You should try it.
I mean, some men like emotionally weak women who look like string beans and smell of chalk.
I'm talking about you.
Yes, I know.
I hate orange juice.
Oh, God Are you sure you don't want to ruin her life? Don't look at him.
It's not too late to ruin her life.
Oh, don't dance.
There's still time to step in Why are you dancing with him? .
.
change her mind.
It's OK.
That was the sidestep of contempt.
I can dream about the life that I'd have fucked up if I'd let myself.
He could have tried a bit harder to ruin my life.
Um Hello.
How's how's your eye? It's still a touch sore, actually.
What about the shirt? There'll be other shirts.
Jason.
Yes, Nicole? I'm really, really sorry.
It was just a stupid, rubbish joke.
I didn't mean to upset you.
That's OK.
It's just I've already been to a funeral this week.
I couldn't go to another.
Not yours, anyway.
You saved me.
I thought you'd hole-punched your neck.
Um That was just um to say I'm sorry.
Sure, sure, yeah.
Yeah.
Um Yeah.
From my side of things, that was just like saying no hard feelings.
Yes, just kiss and make up kind of thing.
Yeah, exactly.
That's exactly how it felt.
Indeed.
So good.
Just to reiterate no hard feelings.
I'm really sorry.
There! Sorted.
OK.
Make it go back up.
Grace, make it go back up.
Hello.
Hello.
Oh, you're sweaty.
Yeah.
Just had a little run, eight miles, and what! Oh, God! I've had an amazing idea.
I could be your travelling companion.
Just friends, no pressure.
Italia, Espanoles, Peru All those places? Wherever you want to be.
We could pick grapes in Spain, pick olives in Italy, pick potatoes in Peru.
Did you know that Peru was the potato capital of the world? Why do we have to pick things? That's what you do when you go away, isn't it, pick things? I like to sightsee and eat and relax and sleep.
Right, OK.
So, you are going to say no, aren't you? Oh, God.
So my holidaying is too young now, is it? I should have said, look I should have said Let's hire an Italian pensione and explore Tuscany, eh? Swim in the lakes, make love at dusk, eat olives, fresh bread, Italian meats, and swill it all down with a rich red wine.
Do platonic travelling companions make love? Oh, I can't stand it! Look, I just want to be with you.
Us being away from here will make you realise that we are meant to be together.
Not that your age or the fact that you are a lecturer and I'm a post grad.
It just doesn't matter.
Cos I'm not a child! Oh, I've had another idea.
OK.
How about we do a bit of both? OK, so by day, I go out to the fields, pick a few olives, earn a bit of money while you are just relaxing at home.
Then I return from the fields, bit dirty, bit brown, bit sweaty, and we have a shower OK, I'll think about it.
Or you could do the thing where you're the English lady author and I'm the young, swarthy olive-picker just bedding you over and over again.
Morocco Morocco! How about Morocco? But no picking.
All right.
I'll have to sort out my sabbatical first, in any case, but I'll mention Morocco.
I'd better go.
Yes! Whoo! Morocco Me and Imogen on a desert island.
Yes, sir.
Now, the total enterprise value is crashing.
Tell me how you came up with these numbers.
Come again? Sorry, I was concentrating on something else there.
Wh what is he doing? Madame Consultant.
Wondered if you wanted a little more time to submit? A year, maybe two? No, no.
I'm shit-hot at this, I'm afraid.
I have just left a local speculator who has made a rather intriguing offer for the rugby field.
What's the offer? Three magic beans.
That's funny.
Wow! So he's serious enough to give you the beans up front, is he? What type of magic is it? I've literally no idea.
If the magic is benevolent, I'd say you've grabbed yourself a bargain.
But if it's black magic, you could find yourself in some real trouble.
I'll leave the decision to you two and head out for lunch.
Good luck.
OK.
That was so funny.
What was funny, Accountant? Three magic beans.
How so? There's no such thing as magic beans.
Isn't there? Course not.
But people can be shrunk.
Can they? Of course they are not magic! They're just beans.
Not magic beans! Whatever you do, do not move those beans.
Wait, when you say "don't move them", do you mean don't leave the room or don't Wait, what's going to happen? Sir, please! What wh? So, Morocco, eh? Very risky.
Shit.
I made him swear not to tell anyone ever, or I'd stab him.
I'll get you a knife it's all over campus.
Did you hear about the gang rape of that tourist in Casablanca? I'll be fine, thank you very much.
Who cares about you? I'm worried about Flat.
He'll be touched by your concern.
Don't expect any mountain rescue.
You break a leg, you'll be lying there dying of thirst while the buzzards squabble over your liver.
All I need is a good stick and a pair of stout boots.
You want to check them in the morning, though.
Home of the Atlas mountain viper, loves a cosy boot.
You're not putting me off.
If you get kidnapped by tribesmen, don't expect cash-strapped Kirke to come up with the ransom.
Listen, at least I'm not the one terrified of changing my normal patterns of behaviour.
And I am? You won't even try sandwiches with granary bread.
Granary bread is an abomination.
Flat likes it.
Flat?! Flat knows fuck all about travel.
He couldn't find the Atlas Mountains in the atlas.
At least he's not scared to look.
OK, well, I hope you can outrun a Toyota pick-up full of Tuaregs with AK-47s.
Brilliant, yeah.
I think I virtually told her I love her there.
Excellent! Oi! Give that back, you shitter! Get up.
Get up, you double-crossing back-stabber bastard twat.
What are you going to do stab me with a baguette?! You tried to scare her out of going away with me! She asked for my advice, so That's mine.
Come on! I don't expect you to understand this, but I am doing you a massive favour.
What, by stealing her? No, by giving you your life back.
Well, maybe I don't want it back! God, you so have this coming, you smug twat! Yes, all right! Oh, God.
What's up with Matt and Flat? Matt and Flat.
Ow! Wedgie! They sound like a product you'd buy on the 24-hour shopping channel.
Not that I watch the 24-hour shopping channel, obviously.
What are they fighting over? WMe.
Deal with it, Vorderman.
Look Act your age! Matt, act your age, and Flat, act Matt's age.
What the hell's going on? Imogen Moffatt, I love you.
You can't say "I love you" in a canteen.
Shit! Excuse me, at what age do you girls teach us the rules, cos this is ridiculous! No, I can't cry.
Oh! Hey! Um, I'm glad we, er forgave each other like that.
Me too.
Are you doing anything tonight? Er, well, no, not busy exactly.
I'm flat-sitting for a friend.
With Cecilia? No, she's on her parents' submarine this week.
Would you like some company? Maybe.
It's a bit short notice, though, and I wouldn't really know who to call.
You could ask me.
Er yeah.
Haven't you got some girl-on-girl thing to go to? Gay Soc disco or something? No, not tonight, I'm lesbian-free.
It's my one night off.
Well, er Well, it is quite a big flat, and, er, no, it would be nice to have someone to talk to.
Who better than your GBF? Big Friendly Giant? Gay best friend.
Oh! Yeah, that fits a lot better.
Um No, that Right I accept your invitation.
All right.
All right! Um Hey, by the way, it's got a Jacuzzi.
I'll bring some sensible swimwear.
You do that! It's just so weird feeling like this about someone.
It messes with your head.
It's like some endless acid trip, you know? The worst part is she is messing with my God-given ability not to give a shit about anything.
You like a girl? Yes.
I'm fully aware that she may smell, but even so What a loser! I know, I know.
What am I supposed to do? Pull her hair.
You think I should? Yeah, or put a frog down her pants.
Right, yeah.
It's worth a try.
Wee on her homework? Absolutely.
Yeah.
OK.
Thank you.
You're very good at this.
Do you have a girlfriend, boyfriend? I prefer sums.
They don't break your heart, do they? Have you ever had your heart broken? I once broke my calculator.
That must have hurt.
No, no, no, no, no! Ah! Please tell me you have found something out about the George.
I've found something out about the George.
Yes! What is it? What's what? You've discovered about the George.
Nothing.
Why did you say you've discovered something about the George? Because you just asked me to.
Look, Ms Huggins, all right, ducky, looking for a good time? You may be the final hope for this university.
OK? Now, the witching hour approach-eth.
I listened in on all the phone calls, like you said, I've been through everything her computer, her desk, her diary, bins.
And? Her pockets.
And? Her pencil case.
And let's just jump to the bit where you tell me what you've discovered.
Does she have any skeletons under her patio? I didn't check under her patio.
What about in a cupboard? Are there skeletons in any location? No, nothing incriminating, but I did find out some really juicy girlie gossip.
Do I look like a girl? Only when your hair's fluffy.
And you're a girl's height.
And do I look like I have time for tittle-tattle? Not at first glance, but deep in your eyes I'm going to take your coffees.
If you change your mind, just text me, and I'll Right.
Let's see if we can solve this.
OK.
Good things about Flat.
Well, he says he loves me.
All the time.
Good things about Matt.
He doesn't say he loves me too much.
Well, or not at all.
Flat has a firm bottom.
Which is important for balance.
Bouncy.
Very shorty.
What? Always wears shorts.
Honest.
Or doesn't understand the concept of a little white lie.
Or polite, although "thank you for having me" does sound a little weird in some situations.
A long, furry line down Ugh! Is that a good thing? Well sometimes.
Matt.
Well, Matt's just Matt.
So there we are.
Just check the arithmetic and we'll have an answer.
Oh, look.
Oh! Oh, no! Oh, dear! That's a mess.
I can't remember how many Flat had now.
Let's check Matt's tower.
One, two.
Yes! Matt's the winner.
Flat had seven.
Just shut up, OK? Why don't you shut up? Four-eyes.
You've got glasses too.
No, I don't.
Neither do I.
Wow.
We need to talk.
Are you the reason why my paperclips went missing? No.
George, as a Canadian, how does it feel to know that the fair country of Canadia has failed to produce a single person of note? Leonard Cohen.
Too moany.
Alanis Morissette.
Too droney.
Shania Twain.
William Shatner.
Did he? Ugh.
Naughty William.
Actually, that reminds me.
Why do your geese all fly over here and shit everywhere? Face it, Canadia is bereft.
You need to fly home and save it.
Actually, do you mind if I stand up? By all means.
Oh! I hope you don't think these elaborate distraction techniques are going to stop me from publishing my report? Hark! I hear your police force calling to you across the great lakes of maple syrup.
"Where are you, Georgina? You could help us.
"If you were here, we wouldn't always have to be on horseback!" Shall we reconvene when you're not a piece of office furniture? Right, see, this is really hard to stand in.
I need to put it back.
Excuse me, I feel quite ill.
Being a desk.
Is it A3? Fold? Cross arms! Cross arms.
There you go.
Can't breathe! Looking pretty normal.
You're ready.
I'm going to put you in for GCSE maths.
Oh, my gosh! This is really emotional! You've taught me! It's like you've given me breast implants, but in my brain.
Well, you have to do the exam.
But we've covered everything adding, subtracting, dividing, your affair with Flat, you secretly being in love with Matt, my thing with Jason, me telling him that I'm gay I didn't say that I was in love with Matt.
Hang on, Jason thinks you're gay? So I can hang out with him although he's engaged.
Didn't I mention it? It's like me not telling him that I'm resitting my maths GCSE cos it already says that I've got it on my CV, and he might have to let the VC sack me if he finds out that I haven't.
Didn't I mention that either? No, you said you had a dream that you were destined to be a great mathematician.
A vision.
Yeah.
Anyway, now I can do trigot try.
Trigonometry.
Can't say it, but I can do it.
I'm not in love with Matt.
Yes, you are.
But now with the Canadian being pregnant and you leaving Hold on.
What? And you leaving She's pregnant?! Yeah.
The VC made Matt sleep with her to throw her off course, and now she's having a baby.
How do you know? It's highly illegal.
You just have to trust me.
It's true.
Oh.
God.
But forget all that.
I can do equations! Can't I? I'm off now.
Sorry.
Miles away.
I dreamt that Kirke had been taken over by a Latin-speaking koala bear.
I hear congratulations are in order.
Do you? The baby.
What baby? Er What baby? Well my baby! You're having a baby? Yep.
One day.
All right.
I see.
Why are you congratulating me? Well, that's what we do in Sussex.
You congratulate other people when you're having a baby? It's a Norman thing.
You're a Norman? Is this still part of my dream? I wish it was.
Hello! Congratulations! I'm having a baby one day.
Hi! Congratulations.
I'm having a baby one day.
Hi.
Congratulations.
I'm having a baby one day.
I had thought, after work, perfect time for a cup of tea, but, erm You can't drink tea in a Jacuzzi.
That'd be ridiculous.
Cecilia's really missing out, isn't she? She really is! Missing out on two kinds of bubbles.
Three.
Sorry.
Champagne gives me wind.
You are so refreshing! Am I? Yes.
Yes, you are.
You're like a meadow.
A windy meadow.
Ha! I don't think we can be friends after I get married.
What? Why? Well, Cecilia's pretty traditional and, er, I'm going to have to lose the metrosexual lifestyle, the lesbian best friend, the hair gel.
Hey, um, how does it, um, you know, work? How does it work? What? You know, when you do it with another girl.
Um Well, we just kind of muck around, you know.
Um, we have special parties with pyjamas and stuff.
Ah! Sounds amazing! Yeah, it so is.
Show me how it works.
What, lesbian sex? Yeah.
Show you? Yeah.
So, like, OK, go.
Let's go.
OK.
OK.
Is it happening? Oh, my God, that feels amazing! Oh! That feels totally amazing! That must feel exactly like it is for a woman to I'm not doing anything.
What? Oh, right.
That's the bubbles.
Let's just do it in bed, it's simpler.
Yeah.
OK.
I'm sorry for the considerable delay.
I was visiting Does he have to be here? I needed the viewpoint of a top academic.
Sadly, they don't grow on trees, so Matt Beer will be providing the viewpoint of a lazy twat.
You've changed.
Not really.
Still the same old lovable Matt Beer.
Him! Oh, no.
It's because it's way past my bedtime, but I have stayed up specially for this so you'll have to forgive me if I nod off.
Well, in case you do, I'll start with a summary.
This is a classic case study of a business that is overstaffed, inefficient and haemorrhaging cash.
Specifically I've discovered that, um I've discovered that Aw! Oh, Jesus penis! What now? I'm sorry, I can't do this now.
Fantastic! Then this meeting is adjourned.
Gentlemen, lady thing, if you would please leave the room.
Thank you very much.
Quick as you can.
Thank you so much.
Off you go.
Move! Move quicker.
Walk your legs quicker.
Thank you.
Now, we could, of course, reschedule this for never? It just seems rather harsh.
A bit ruthless all of a sudden.
Grace, are you in this dream as well? I know I should feel a sensual tingle tearing you apart, but instead I feel forgiving, kind of tender and fuzzy And my tits hurt.
Of course! Mrs De Wolfe's voodoo effigy! Can I just say that if you've been poisoned, that wasn't me.
It's only cos I didn't think of it.
I'm pregnant, OK? Don't look at me.
You knocked her up to save Kirke University.
You have met my expectations and exceeded them! Let me shake you by the hand, bruv.
Respec'.
You want to take a guess at how much "respec'" you're getting from me right now? Whoa! Let's all just take a giant fucking step back here.
She's probably slept with shedloads of men recently.
No.
You're the first since April 17th 2009.
I'm sorry.
This just simply isn't on the agenda.
You think this is my game plan? Work really hard, carve out good career, sleep with sexually adept tosser, get knocked up, have compassionate awakening, lose my killer instinct, therefore become unemployable.
Can you hear what I'm saying? Yes, I'm sexually adept.
Thanks for caring! You just hold on, madam! No-one is so unemployable that they cannot work at Kirke University.
Now, just a few little, little tiny tweaks to your final report and I would very happily pay you a handsome salary to hide away here in magnificent two-star luxury.
Oh, God! I will strive to make your life a living hell without pushing you completely over the edge.
You are the father of my child.
Yes.
As Prospero says, though, the bark cannot be lost, yet it will be tempest-tossed.
Yeah, and as Joe Pesci says, I'll see you around, fuck face.
Ah, you two! Come on! Let's have a cigar.
There you are.
One for you, George.
Here you go.
Smoking for two.
Got a little baby in there! OK.
I have just lost my gay virginity.
Yep.
That's how we do it where I come from.
Lesbian Town.
It was a totally different experience.
It's bound to be.
I mean, I actually, um What? I actually saw the project though.
What usually happens when you have heterosexual sex? Cecilia allows me three minutes and then the alarm goes off and I have to finish off in the other room.
Oh.
No wonder this felt a bit more intimate.
It was intimate.
Very sensual, very womanly.
I feel like I now know sex as a woman does.
Yeah.
Sure.
I think what made it so good is that in many ways having got to know you, I have a sort of become a woman.
Mm, possibly.
Or you're not actually in love with Cecilia and you don't find her attractive at all.
Well yeah.
I could see how it would look like that to a lesbian.
Even one that's just broken kind of the main rule by having sex with a man? It's OK, I won't tell.
Have you not noticed I don't actually go out with girls? You're shy, that's fine.
Jason, you div! I'm not a lesbian! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I've turned you.
Yes, that's it, you've turned me.
The Jasonator has turned you.
Yep.
I don't believe it.
I'm really not sure how this misunderstanding came about, and I can see how you'd be slightly surprised to see your son with a completely different name on the lunchtime news, apparently attending a university that you've never heard of.
There is some literature here if you're interested.
Firstly, if I can apologise for introducing your son to the media as Do Long Sum, if that caused any offence.
Secondly, when we first approached him at the National Chess Championships and please notice I used the word "approach", not "kidnap" he very much led us to believe that his parents lived in the remote Kung Chi province of China, as opposed to the not-so-remote city of Nottingham.
He's a very clever boy.
But he's also a bit of a twat.
Oi! But you are, because had you have lived in Upper Timbuktu then we'd have been much more likely on taking a punt on him not being missed.
Timbuktu is not in China.
You're right.
He is very clever.
I think that's where you get the brains from, not Mummy.
We would like a sincere apology, then we say no more.
Then I am velly solly.
I even translated that for you.
It doesn't get much more sincere than that.
Hi.
Just came in to get a packet of crisps.
Why? They're much cheaper in the shops.
Oh.
I was thinking about going to America rather than Morocco.
What do you think? Oh, no.
Don't.
They're horrible over there.
They call them potato chips.
Right.
Well Sorry I heard about the baby before you did.
Not your fault.
No.
So will you marry her? This isn't the 1940s, Imogen.
No.
Is it true that Jonty put you up to it? Gosh! Are you expecting some friends? Are you all right? Why do you ask so many questions? I ask questions when I don't understand something.
That's a normal thing.
What do you care? I'm not sure that I do, but good manners are stopping me from giving you a jolly good pinch.
It is the 1940s! Maybe that's what I need.
For you to pinch me.
You want me to pinch you? I want you.
To pinch you? That too.
Ow, ow, ow, ow! Really, ouch! F uck! Yes, well love hurts.
Close your eyes Give me your hand, darling Do you feel my heart beating? Do you understand? Do you feel the same? Am I only dreaming? Am I only dreaming? Uh oh-oh, uh oh-oh Uh oh-oh, oh oh oh-oh-oh Close your eyes Give me your hand, darling Do you feel my heart beating? Do you understand? Do you feel the same? Or am I only dreaming? Or is this burning an eternal flame? Uh oh-oh, uh oh-oh Uh oh-oh, oh oh oh-oh-oh I believe it's meant to be, darling I watch you when you are sleeping You belong to me Do you feel the same? Am I only dreaming? Or is this burning an eternal flame? Say my name Sun shines through the rain Whoa, whoa! Say my name Sun shines through the rain Our whole life so lonely And then you come and ease the pain Say my name Say my name Sun shines through the rain Through the pouring rain Say my name Sun shines through the rain Our whole life so lonely And then you come and ease the pain I don't want to lose this feeling I don't want to lose this feeling I don't want to lose this feeling Feeling Feeling Feeling Yeah Fe-ee-ee-eeling Close your eyes Give me your hand, darling Do you feel my heart beating? Do you understand? Do you feel the same? Bum bum bum bum Am I only dreaming? Bum bum bum bum Am I only dreaming?
Soon, the bloodthirsty consultant's report will come down on us like the proverbial Assyrian upon the fold.
By sundown today, it could wipe this seat of learning from the map.
Please let us form an alliance.
You sign where it says, "Oriental maths prodigy".
It actually says "ornamental" just ignore that.
If this is still about, "Will I ever see my parents again?" I will tell them where you are just as soon as your headline-grabbing maths genius has saved Kirke.
Now, what if I said you could have a brand-new calculator in the shape of a giant pregnant panda? What about if drama department allowed you to play King Lear later this year? What about if I got you a private hairdresser called Lucy-Anne? So, where's my office? Celebratory cigar? I'm not stupid.
I know that.
I know that! And that is why seven of us smuggled you into a van.
Come on in! You catch me in a good mood.
I'm having a growth spurt! All right, trust me, I've been inside more women than I have newsagents.
I will get older, you know! I predict now that our age gap will remain the same.
You know I can't compete when you bring maths into this.
Can I do the exam at home? No.
I suppose they don't even let you take alcohol in either? Joking! This is so hard.
You stay away from her.
What? If you know what's good for you.
I know people who could shrink you.
Stop! Oh, your hair looks horrible.
Why do you look so awful? What is it? Yeah, I'm not going to use that one either.
You look Oh, God! No.
You look like a horse when you come.
What? Your face resembles that of a horse yawning when you come.
'just in time to savour a few end-of-term perks.
'Fell in love a few weeks back, until I reached down the front 'of my trousers, remembered I was a man.
What's the old saying? "Love puts your balls in a vice and stops you from having lots of shallow, sexy fun.
" 'So true.
' 'Oh, hello!' Big day today! Been practising your presentation in front of the mirror? Checking your report on spellcheck? UK spellings, please.
None of your col-or, hum-or Shouldn't you be working? While you still can.
'Nope! I should be standing here sexily.
'Oh, yeah, here she comes, riding her bicycle in that accusing way of hers.
'Just remind Miss Speccy the Boffin 'that I don't do no girlie romantic shit.
'Say something casual.
Say something wittily meaningless.
'Speak to her.
' 'Speak to me.
' 'Speak to her.
' 'Speak to me.
' 'Speak to her.
' 'Speak to me.
' 'All right, not sure I actually said anything with my mouth, 'but my witty silence definitely said it all.
'No-one owns these balls but me, Miss Missy.
' You are following in some very famous footsteps here.
Some of the greatest minds in British history attended Kirke University.
Who? What? Who were they? Who were who? The ones who studied here? Um Oliver Cromwell, Queen Victoria, Bobby Moore, Patrick Moore, the xylophone player, Sir Clive Sinclair, inventor of children's toys, Simon Cowell, the rich man, Nicola Roberts, the clever one in Girls Aloud, Adrian Chiles, the originator of mild sports sarcasm.
You're a liar.
What?! Nicola isn't the clever one.
That's right, it's Kimberley.
You can't fool a genius, can you? You're hurting my hand! Hiya.
Nice weekend? Er, well, no, not really.
I went to my uncle's funeral.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you want to talk about it? No, it's fine.
He wasn't my real uncle.
I just called him Uncle.
Did you bury him or burn him? We buried him.
Yeah.
But he was in an open-top coffin, which was vertical, and we had to shake his hand.
I like that.
You get to say a proper goodbye.
Yeah.
Did you have music? Yeah, Elton John.
Candle? Um, no, the other one.
Tiny Dancer? I'm Still Standing.
Oh.
He's one of Elton John, one of your lot, isn't he? Gay, I mean, not an accommodations officer.
Yeah, he is gay.
Tremendously so.
I don't know him, though.
So, did Cecilia go with you? No, no.
She says seeing me cry disgusts her.
Did you cry, then? No, not really.
Yeah, a bit.
Aw.
Are we allowed to hold hands? Us gays are really good for the grieving process.
Aw.
Bye! Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye Get a room! He's grieving for his uncle.
It's not my real uncle.
Oh, look who we have here.
A pretty lady with glasses.
There we are.
Stay! Imogen, would you please say hello to our new head of maths? What?! I'm joking, obviously.
But please do say hello to the math department's latest recruit.
Hello.
Now, I'm going to leave him in your very capable hands.
Stay! Bring it on.
Sit down.
And Wilkie Collins uses this device of the unreliable narrator in The Moonstone.
The effect can be quite unsettling.
Normally in a novel, the narrator is reliable, trustworthy.
Not here.
'What about your own narrator?' What? Sorry? Not you.
'What about if your own narrator starts lying? 'What if, earlier, I was bullshitting 'about you being back to your old self? 'Truth is, you're not a despicable bastard any more.
' Yes I am.
Nothing's changed.
'Beg to differ.
Just look at your sad, moony face.
'It's gone all James Blunt.
' It has not! What hasn't? 'Oh, bollocks.
' 'We've both lost our minds to a mere girl.
' 'We'd better pull our socks up, although, as your narrator, sadly, I have no feet and therefore no need for socks.
It's down to you, Matthew.
' Don't call me Matthew.
I didn't.
Not you.
'Let's go for some commitment.
What's the worst that can happen? 'We change our minds again? 'Might screw things up completely for her and Flat, but hey, 'that's what we want deep down, isn't it?' It isn't what I want.
'Isn't it?' Leave.
Now, please.
Quickly.
You're beautiful You're beautiful, it's true.
'Oh, God! I'm sunk.
' What are we like, eh? Us single women? All the single All the same, aren't we, eh? You know what I mean.
Married to our work.
Thank the Lord for dating websites, right? I mean, let's be honest, we all use dating websites, don't we? I mean, I don't, personally, but, you know I'm going to have sex! I'm not going to heal over, like you.
Or you.
Maybe not you.
I'm going to have loads of sex! With actual men.
Ooh! Who are you? Who are you? What are you doing this weekend? Um I've decided to take a year off.
What? In one weekend? It'll probably take about a year.
Oh! What, like a gap year? Great! We can go travelling together.
We'll do the big three Ayia Napa, Ibiza, Magaluf.
No, no, it's more of a sabbatical.
I've got to fully concentrate on my book, no distractions.
Bored.
All right.
Well solve this, young master prodigy.
It took me 20 minutes, but I'll give you one great big whole hour, OK? Look, is this about Matt? I thought you'd worked out that was a dead end.
Of course it's a dead end, but so is this.
Oh, come on, Immy.
Don't stick your feet on the table.
Look, over the past, what, few weeks, you've broken up with me every single day, sometimes twice in a day.
I need to put some space between Between us? Yeah, that was day three.
I don't feel how you want me to feel.
I know.
That was day eight.
Well, I like you, but Day 12.
You're too young.
Day 18.
I'm too old.
19 and 20.
Done.
Shall we tell the beardy man? The Vice Chancellor is very busy.
I can send him an e-mail.
Look, I'm in charge, OK? Let's carry this on in my office.
Come on! OK.
As existentialist acts go, that's quite cautious.
Good.
Good.
Good morning, my little viper.
Now, I suggest that you keep an eye on all media outlets for news of our latest Kirke recruit.
Too little too late, perhaps.
I publish my report this afternoon.
Ah, yes, the dreaded report of doom.
Give us a clue.
Come on, will good old Kirke scrape a B plus? Well, I don't think I'm giving too much away when I say that there are some inefficient areas and some even more inefficient areas.
Oh, let's try to # Accentuate the positive! # shall we? There aren't many, but it seems the sports centre did turn a sort of profit.
A profit, you say?! Of a kind.
Grace! We have had some fantastic news! Grace.
Grace, how long have we got until she brings us down? Oh, God! Oh.
So, it probably would be best spent not just watching this, then? Right.
Right Thought mademoiselle might want a warm almond croissant Oh, my God! Oh, God, Nicole, can you hear me? Can you hear me? Grace, call an ambulance! Nicole, what happened? Hole-punched in the neck Grace! Oh, that's horrible! Kiss of life What?! Kiss of life But you're breathing, it won't OK, all right.
Right, hold still! That was so sweet! Quick, Grace! Help me restrain her! It's theatre blood! What?! It wasn't funny, was it? Uh It's hilarious.
I was so It was a gag.
Yeah No.
Ah, it's fine.
Um Very funny.
Yep! Thought we'd lost you, there.
Grace, we don't need to get an ambulance! I know, it's only a joke.
I'm sorry, Jason.
OK.
Jason Yeah, OK By the way, I got you these almond croissants.
Um I warmed them up.
Have mine.
You've got fake blood on your shirt.
OK.
His uncle just died.
It wasn't his real uncle.
Hello.
Grace said you wanted to see me.
Mm-hm.
What do you think? About what? This! Um I am having a sit-in.
Wanted to know if you wanted to join the protest.
Thought your best-selling public profile might lend it some weight.
What's this one about? Ban the Canadian.
Wait I'm sensing this is a personal issue, rather than a crusade against Canadians in general? At the moment, yes.
It's about our baby-faced assassin publishing her ludicrously, ludicrously unbalanced report today! How do you know it's unbalanced if it hasn't been published yet? I've got a nose for these things.
Call it a hunch, or call it a small listening device in her office, whichever.
This sit-in, when did it start? About half an hour ago.
I'm going through to five-thirty, six o'clock.
The same time you're normally at your desk? Yeah.
I'm multitasking, yes.
It was Mrs De Wolfe's idea.
She is amazing.
Where's the media? How are you going to bring anyone's attention to this? Right.
Yeah, Mrs De Wolfe's plans do often reveal her hasty nature.
Ah, well.
Another time! Now, if you'll excuse me, I need the little boy's room.
Yes Can I get you the key? Sadly, that part of the protest was meticulously planned.
In case the pigs tried to forcibly unlock me "Fuck off!" I've posted it.
It is currently en route to a small tobacconist in Somerset.
I don't think there's anything else I can do to help.
Could you ask Grace to come in here with the po, please? Grace! Remember, you're a despicable bastard.
Remember, he's a despicable bastard.
Remember, you're a Oh, God! Just remembered despicable bastard.
I had to go this way around the K.
Remember, he could ruin your life.
Remember, you don't want to ruin her life.
That's a door.
Argh, what was that? Argh.
And these are the these are the admin staff.
This one is a girl.
Oh, thanks! It's just that you can never be too sure.
Oh, look, photocopier! Do you want to photocopy something? Quick! Photocopy the bum, yeah? 20 bums.
Grow up.
Yeah, grow up.
Me? Look at you Fine.
See you later, stupid.
Jason's really upset.
He's been crying.
Oh, shitting hell.
Go on, go on.
Oh, Jason.
I'm I'm really, really, really sorry.
I'm really sorry.
Ha! I'm not really crying.
What? I've got a plate of chopped onions in my lap.
I've had my face in it for the last ten minutes.
Nice work.
Look at Touche, my lord.
That is That's great gag preparation.
It's the best practical joke I've ever played.
Isn't it hurting, though? It's really stinging.
Can we go and wash it off? Yeah, it's making me cry.
Oh It doesn't really work as a joke, actually, does it? No, it's a really good joke.
No, no.
I say I'm not really crying, but of course I am.
Anyway, it's fine.
Jase Ow! Jason It's fine, it's fine.
It's fine.
It was a really good joke! So, I've just joined a dating website.
Gosh, right How nice.
See, that's my profile.
Oh, God, you're naked.
Well, all except my socks.
What do you think of that guy? Oh! And that's in a flaccid state.
Yes, I can see that.
There are sites for every type.
You should try it.
I mean, some men like emotionally weak women who look like string beans and smell of chalk.
I'm talking about you.
Yes, I know.
I hate orange juice.
Oh, God Are you sure you don't want to ruin her life? Don't look at him.
It's not too late to ruin her life.
Oh, don't dance.
There's still time to step in Why are you dancing with him? .
.
change her mind.
It's OK.
That was the sidestep of contempt.
I can dream about the life that I'd have fucked up if I'd let myself.
He could have tried a bit harder to ruin my life.
Um Hello.
How's how's your eye? It's still a touch sore, actually.
What about the shirt? There'll be other shirts.
Jason.
Yes, Nicole? I'm really, really sorry.
It was just a stupid, rubbish joke.
I didn't mean to upset you.
That's OK.
It's just I've already been to a funeral this week.
I couldn't go to another.
Not yours, anyway.
You saved me.
I thought you'd hole-punched your neck.
Um That was just um to say I'm sorry.
Sure, sure, yeah.
Yeah.
Um Yeah.
From my side of things, that was just like saying no hard feelings.
Yes, just kiss and make up kind of thing.
Yeah, exactly.
That's exactly how it felt.
Indeed.
So good.
Just to reiterate no hard feelings.
I'm really sorry.
There! Sorted.
OK.
Make it go back up.
Grace, make it go back up.
Hello.
Hello.
Oh, you're sweaty.
Yeah.
Just had a little run, eight miles, and what! Oh, God! I've had an amazing idea.
I could be your travelling companion.
Just friends, no pressure.
Italia, Espanoles, Peru All those places? Wherever you want to be.
We could pick grapes in Spain, pick olives in Italy, pick potatoes in Peru.
Did you know that Peru was the potato capital of the world? Why do we have to pick things? That's what you do when you go away, isn't it, pick things? I like to sightsee and eat and relax and sleep.
Right, OK.
So, you are going to say no, aren't you? Oh, God.
So my holidaying is too young now, is it? I should have said, look I should have said Let's hire an Italian pensione and explore Tuscany, eh? Swim in the lakes, make love at dusk, eat olives, fresh bread, Italian meats, and swill it all down with a rich red wine.
Do platonic travelling companions make love? Oh, I can't stand it! Look, I just want to be with you.
Us being away from here will make you realise that we are meant to be together.
Not that your age or the fact that you are a lecturer and I'm a post grad.
It just doesn't matter.
Cos I'm not a child! Oh, I've had another idea.
OK.
How about we do a bit of both? OK, so by day, I go out to the fields, pick a few olives, earn a bit of money while you are just relaxing at home.
Then I return from the fields, bit dirty, bit brown, bit sweaty, and we have a shower OK, I'll think about it.
Or you could do the thing where you're the English lady author and I'm the young, swarthy olive-picker just bedding you over and over again.
Morocco Morocco! How about Morocco? But no picking.
All right.
I'll have to sort out my sabbatical first, in any case, but I'll mention Morocco.
I'd better go.
Yes! Whoo! Morocco Me and Imogen on a desert island.
Yes, sir.
Now, the total enterprise value is crashing.
Tell me how you came up with these numbers.
Come again? Sorry, I was concentrating on something else there.
Wh what is he doing? Madame Consultant.
Wondered if you wanted a little more time to submit? A year, maybe two? No, no.
I'm shit-hot at this, I'm afraid.
I have just left a local speculator who has made a rather intriguing offer for the rugby field.
What's the offer? Three magic beans.
That's funny.
Wow! So he's serious enough to give you the beans up front, is he? What type of magic is it? I've literally no idea.
If the magic is benevolent, I'd say you've grabbed yourself a bargain.
But if it's black magic, you could find yourself in some real trouble.
I'll leave the decision to you two and head out for lunch.
Good luck.
OK.
That was so funny.
What was funny, Accountant? Three magic beans.
How so? There's no such thing as magic beans.
Isn't there? Course not.
But people can be shrunk.
Can they? Of course they are not magic! They're just beans.
Not magic beans! Whatever you do, do not move those beans.
Wait, when you say "don't move them", do you mean don't leave the room or don't Wait, what's going to happen? Sir, please! What wh? So, Morocco, eh? Very risky.
Shit.
I made him swear not to tell anyone ever, or I'd stab him.
I'll get you a knife it's all over campus.
Did you hear about the gang rape of that tourist in Casablanca? I'll be fine, thank you very much.
Who cares about you? I'm worried about Flat.
He'll be touched by your concern.
Don't expect any mountain rescue.
You break a leg, you'll be lying there dying of thirst while the buzzards squabble over your liver.
All I need is a good stick and a pair of stout boots.
You want to check them in the morning, though.
Home of the Atlas mountain viper, loves a cosy boot.
You're not putting me off.
If you get kidnapped by tribesmen, don't expect cash-strapped Kirke to come up with the ransom.
Listen, at least I'm not the one terrified of changing my normal patterns of behaviour.
And I am? You won't even try sandwiches with granary bread.
Granary bread is an abomination.
Flat likes it.
Flat?! Flat knows fuck all about travel.
He couldn't find the Atlas Mountains in the atlas.
At least he's not scared to look.
OK, well, I hope you can outrun a Toyota pick-up full of Tuaregs with AK-47s.
Brilliant, yeah.
I think I virtually told her I love her there.
Excellent! Oi! Give that back, you shitter! Get up.
Get up, you double-crossing back-stabber bastard twat.
What are you going to do stab me with a baguette?! You tried to scare her out of going away with me! She asked for my advice, so That's mine.
Come on! I don't expect you to understand this, but I am doing you a massive favour.
What, by stealing her? No, by giving you your life back.
Well, maybe I don't want it back! God, you so have this coming, you smug twat! Yes, all right! Oh, God.
What's up with Matt and Flat? Matt and Flat.
Ow! Wedgie! They sound like a product you'd buy on the 24-hour shopping channel.
Not that I watch the 24-hour shopping channel, obviously.
What are they fighting over? WMe.
Deal with it, Vorderman.
Look Act your age! Matt, act your age, and Flat, act Matt's age.
What the hell's going on? Imogen Moffatt, I love you.
You can't say "I love you" in a canteen.
Shit! Excuse me, at what age do you girls teach us the rules, cos this is ridiculous! No, I can't cry.
Oh! Hey! Um, I'm glad we, er forgave each other like that.
Me too.
Are you doing anything tonight? Er, well, no, not busy exactly.
I'm flat-sitting for a friend.
With Cecilia? No, she's on her parents' submarine this week.
Would you like some company? Maybe.
It's a bit short notice, though, and I wouldn't really know who to call.
You could ask me.
Er yeah.
Haven't you got some girl-on-girl thing to go to? Gay Soc disco or something? No, not tonight, I'm lesbian-free.
It's my one night off.
Well, er Well, it is quite a big flat, and, er, no, it would be nice to have someone to talk to.
Who better than your GBF? Big Friendly Giant? Gay best friend.
Oh! Yeah, that fits a lot better.
Um No, that Right I accept your invitation.
All right.
All right! Um Hey, by the way, it's got a Jacuzzi.
I'll bring some sensible swimwear.
You do that! It's just so weird feeling like this about someone.
It messes with your head.
It's like some endless acid trip, you know? The worst part is she is messing with my God-given ability not to give a shit about anything.
You like a girl? Yes.
I'm fully aware that she may smell, but even so What a loser! I know, I know.
What am I supposed to do? Pull her hair.
You think I should? Yeah, or put a frog down her pants.
Right, yeah.
It's worth a try.
Wee on her homework? Absolutely.
Yeah.
OK.
Thank you.
You're very good at this.
Do you have a girlfriend, boyfriend? I prefer sums.
They don't break your heart, do they? Have you ever had your heart broken? I once broke my calculator.
That must have hurt.
No, no, no, no, no! Ah! Please tell me you have found something out about the George.
I've found something out about the George.
Yes! What is it? What's what? You've discovered about the George.
Nothing.
Why did you say you've discovered something about the George? Because you just asked me to.
Look, Ms Huggins, all right, ducky, looking for a good time? You may be the final hope for this university.
OK? Now, the witching hour approach-eth.
I listened in on all the phone calls, like you said, I've been through everything her computer, her desk, her diary, bins.
And? Her pockets.
And? Her pencil case.
And let's just jump to the bit where you tell me what you've discovered.
Does she have any skeletons under her patio? I didn't check under her patio.
What about in a cupboard? Are there skeletons in any location? No, nothing incriminating, but I did find out some really juicy girlie gossip.
Do I look like a girl? Only when your hair's fluffy.
And you're a girl's height.
And do I look like I have time for tittle-tattle? Not at first glance, but deep in your eyes I'm going to take your coffees.
If you change your mind, just text me, and I'll Right.
Let's see if we can solve this.
OK.
Good things about Flat.
Well, he says he loves me.
All the time.
Good things about Matt.
He doesn't say he loves me too much.
Well, or not at all.
Flat has a firm bottom.
Which is important for balance.
Bouncy.
Very shorty.
What? Always wears shorts.
Honest.
Or doesn't understand the concept of a little white lie.
Or polite, although "thank you for having me" does sound a little weird in some situations.
A long, furry line down Ugh! Is that a good thing? Well sometimes.
Matt.
Well, Matt's just Matt.
So there we are.
Just check the arithmetic and we'll have an answer.
Oh, look.
Oh! Oh, no! Oh, dear! That's a mess.
I can't remember how many Flat had now.
Let's check Matt's tower.
One, two.
Yes! Matt's the winner.
Flat had seven.
Just shut up, OK? Why don't you shut up? Four-eyes.
You've got glasses too.
No, I don't.
Neither do I.
Wow.
We need to talk.
Are you the reason why my paperclips went missing? No.
George, as a Canadian, how does it feel to know that the fair country of Canadia has failed to produce a single person of note? Leonard Cohen.
Too moany.
Alanis Morissette.
Too droney.
Shania Twain.
William Shatner.
Did he? Ugh.
Naughty William.
Actually, that reminds me.
Why do your geese all fly over here and shit everywhere? Face it, Canadia is bereft.
You need to fly home and save it.
Actually, do you mind if I stand up? By all means.
Oh! I hope you don't think these elaborate distraction techniques are going to stop me from publishing my report? Hark! I hear your police force calling to you across the great lakes of maple syrup.
"Where are you, Georgina? You could help us.
"If you were here, we wouldn't always have to be on horseback!" Shall we reconvene when you're not a piece of office furniture? Right, see, this is really hard to stand in.
I need to put it back.
Excuse me, I feel quite ill.
Being a desk.
Is it A3? Fold? Cross arms! Cross arms.
There you go.
Can't breathe! Looking pretty normal.
You're ready.
I'm going to put you in for GCSE maths.
Oh, my gosh! This is really emotional! You've taught me! It's like you've given me breast implants, but in my brain.
Well, you have to do the exam.
But we've covered everything adding, subtracting, dividing, your affair with Flat, you secretly being in love with Matt, my thing with Jason, me telling him that I'm gay I didn't say that I was in love with Matt.
Hang on, Jason thinks you're gay? So I can hang out with him although he's engaged.
Didn't I mention it? It's like me not telling him that I'm resitting my maths GCSE cos it already says that I've got it on my CV, and he might have to let the VC sack me if he finds out that I haven't.
Didn't I mention that either? No, you said you had a dream that you were destined to be a great mathematician.
A vision.
Yeah.
Anyway, now I can do trigot try.
Trigonometry.
Can't say it, but I can do it.
I'm not in love with Matt.
Yes, you are.
But now with the Canadian being pregnant and you leaving Hold on.
What? And you leaving She's pregnant?! Yeah.
The VC made Matt sleep with her to throw her off course, and now she's having a baby.
How do you know? It's highly illegal.
You just have to trust me.
It's true.
Oh.
God.
But forget all that.
I can do equations! Can't I? I'm off now.
Sorry.
Miles away.
I dreamt that Kirke had been taken over by a Latin-speaking koala bear.
I hear congratulations are in order.
Do you? The baby.
What baby? Er What baby? Well my baby! You're having a baby? Yep.
One day.
All right.
I see.
Why are you congratulating me? Well, that's what we do in Sussex.
You congratulate other people when you're having a baby? It's a Norman thing.
You're a Norman? Is this still part of my dream? I wish it was.
Hello! Congratulations! I'm having a baby one day.
Hi! Congratulations.
I'm having a baby one day.
Hi.
Congratulations.
I'm having a baby one day.
I had thought, after work, perfect time for a cup of tea, but, erm You can't drink tea in a Jacuzzi.
That'd be ridiculous.
Cecilia's really missing out, isn't she? She really is! Missing out on two kinds of bubbles.
Three.
Sorry.
Champagne gives me wind.
You are so refreshing! Am I? Yes.
Yes, you are.
You're like a meadow.
A windy meadow.
Ha! I don't think we can be friends after I get married.
What? Why? Well, Cecilia's pretty traditional and, er, I'm going to have to lose the metrosexual lifestyle, the lesbian best friend, the hair gel.
Hey, um, how does it, um, you know, work? How does it work? What? You know, when you do it with another girl.
Um Well, we just kind of muck around, you know.
Um, we have special parties with pyjamas and stuff.
Ah! Sounds amazing! Yeah, it so is.
Show me how it works.
What, lesbian sex? Yeah.
Show you? Yeah.
So, like, OK, go.
Let's go.
OK.
OK.
Is it happening? Oh, my God, that feels amazing! Oh! That feels totally amazing! That must feel exactly like it is for a woman to I'm not doing anything.
What? Oh, right.
That's the bubbles.
Let's just do it in bed, it's simpler.
Yeah.
OK.
I'm sorry for the considerable delay.
I was visiting Does he have to be here? I needed the viewpoint of a top academic.
Sadly, they don't grow on trees, so Matt Beer will be providing the viewpoint of a lazy twat.
You've changed.
Not really.
Still the same old lovable Matt Beer.
Him! Oh, no.
It's because it's way past my bedtime, but I have stayed up specially for this so you'll have to forgive me if I nod off.
Well, in case you do, I'll start with a summary.
This is a classic case study of a business that is overstaffed, inefficient and haemorrhaging cash.
Specifically I've discovered that, um I've discovered that Aw! Oh, Jesus penis! What now? I'm sorry, I can't do this now.
Fantastic! Then this meeting is adjourned.
Gentlemen, lady thing, if you would please leave the room.
Thank you very much.
Quick as you can.
Thank you so much.
Off you go.
Move! Move quicker.
Walk your legs quicker.
Thank you.
Now, we could, of course, reschedule this for never? It just seems rather harsh.
A bit ruthless all of a sudden.
Grace, are you in this dream as well? I know I should feel a sensual tingle tearing you apart, but instead I feel forgiving, kind of tender and fuzzy And my tits hurt.
Of course! Mrs De Wolfe's voodoo effigy! Can I just say that if you've been poisoned, that wasn't me.
It's only cos I didn't think of it.
I'm pregnant, OK? Don't look at me.
You knocked her up to save Kirke University.
You have met my expectations and exceeded them! Let me shake you by the hand, bruv.
Respec'.
You want to take a guess at how much "respec'" you're getting from me right now? Whoa! Let's all just take a giant fucking step back here.
She's probably slept with shedloads of men recently.
No.
You're the first since April 17th 2009.
I'm sorry.
This just simply isn't on the agenda.
You think this is my game plan? Work really hard, carve out good career, sleep with sexually adept tosser, get knocked up, have compassionate awakening, lose my killer instinct, therefore become unemployable.
Can you hear what I'm saying? Yes, I'm sexually adept.
Thanks for caring! You just hold on, madam! No-one is so unemployable that they cannot work at Kirke University.
Now, just a few little, little tiny tweaks to your final report and I would very happily pay you a handsome salary to hide away here in magnificent two-star luxury.
Oh, God! I will strive to make your life a living hell without pushing you completely over the edge.
You are the father of my child.
Yes.
As Prospero says, though, the bark cannot be lost, yet it will be tempest-tossed.
Yeah, and as Joe Pesci says, I'll see you around, fuck face.
Ah, you two! Come on! Let's have a cigar.
There you are.
One for you, George.
Here you go.
Smoking for two.
Got a little baby in there! OK.
I have just lost my gay virginity.
Yep.
That's how we do it where I come from.
Lesbian Town.
It was a totally different experience.
It's bound to be.
I mean, I actually, um What? I actually saw the project though.
What usually happens when you have heterosexual sex? Cecilia allows me three minutes and then the alarm goes off and I have to finish off in the other room.
Oh.
No wonder this felt a bit more intimate.
It was intimate.
Very sensual, very womanly.
I feel like I now know sex as a woman does.
Yeah.
Sure.
I think what made it so good is that in many ways having got to know you, I have a sort of become a woman.
Mm, possibly.
Or you're not actually in love with Cecilia and you don't find her attractive at all.
Well yeah.
I could see how it would look like that to a lesbian.
Even one that's just broken kind of the main rule by having sex with a man? It's OK, I won't tell.
Have you not noticed I don't actually go out with girls? You're shy, that's fine.
Jason, you div! I'm not a lesbian! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I've turned you.
Yes, that's it, you've turned me.
The Jasonator has turned you.
Yep.
I don't believe it.
I'm really not sure how this misunderstanding came about, and I can see how you'd be slightly surprised to see your son with a completely different name on the lunchtime news, apparently attending a university that you've never heard of.
There is some literature here if you're interested.
Firstly, if I can apologise for introducing your son to the media as Do Long Sum, if that caused any offence.
Secondly, when we first approached him at the National Chess Championships and please notice I used the word "approach", not "kidnap" he very much led us to believe that his parents lived in the remote Kung Chi province of China, as opposed to the not-so-remote city of Nottingham.
He's a very clever boy.
But he's also a bit of a twat.
Oi! But you are, because had you have lived in Upper Timbuktu then we'd have been much more likely on taking a punt on him not being missed.
Timbuktu is not in China.
You're right.
He is very clever.
I think that's where you get the brains from, not Mummy.
We would like a sincere apology, then we say no more.
Then I am velly solly.
I even translated that for you.
It doesn't get much more sincere than that.
Hi.
Just came in to get a packet of crisps.
Why? They're much cheaper in the shops.
Oh.
I was thinking about going to America rather than Morocco.
What do you think? Oh, no.
Don't.
They're horrible over there.
They call them potato chips.
Right.
Well Sorry I heard about the baby before you did.
Not your fault.
No.
So will you marry her? This isn't the 1940s, Imogen.
No.
Is it true that Jonty put you up to it? Gosh! Are you expecting some friends? Are you all right? Why do you ask so many questions? I ask questions when I don't understand something.
That's a normal thing.
What do you care? I'm not sure that I do, but good manners are stopping me from giving you a jolly good pinch.
It is the 1940s! Maybe that's what I need.
For you to pinch me.
You want me to pinch you? I want you.
To pinch you? That too.
Ow, ow, ow, ow! Really, ouch! F uck! Yes, well love hurts.
Close your eyes Give me your hand, darling Do you feel my heart beating? Do you understand? Do you feel the same? Am I only dreaming? Am I only dreaming? Uh oh-oh, uh oh-oh Uh oh-oh, oh oh oh-oh-oh Close your eyes Give me your hand, darling Do you feel my heart beating? Do you understand? Do you feel the same? Or am I only dreaming? Or is this burning an eternal flame? Uh oh-oh, uh oh-oh Uh oh-oh, oh oh oh-oh-oh I believe it's meant to be, darling I watch you when you are sleeping You belong to me Do you feel the same? Am I only dreaming? Or is this burning an eternal flame? Say my name Sun shines through the rain Whoa, whoa! Say my name Sun shines through the rain Our whole life so lonely And then you come and ease the pain Say my name Say my name Sun shines through the rain Through the pouring rain Say my name Sun shines through the rain Our whole life so lonely And then you come and ease the pain I don't want to lose this feeling I don't want to lose this feeling I don't want to lose this feeling Feeling Feeling Feeling Yeah Fe-ee-ee-eeling Close your eyes Give me your hand, darling Do you feel my heart beating? Do you understand? Do you feel the same? Bum bum bum bum Am I only dreaming? Bum bum bum bum Am I only dreaming?