Cardinal Burns (2012) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Great game.
Good shot.
Good hustle.
Please, after you.
No.
No, I insist.
You're a gentleman.
OK, can we have Justin and Darvid? David.
Sure, would you like to come through? No, they're just castings.
Yeah, yeah.
Same old, same old.
Yeah, you too, all right, bye.
This is Justin and Darvid.
Justin.
I'm Ben, the director.
And Darvid.
David.
Nice to meet you.
So, basically, what it is, is it's a new campaign for a beer called Hoops.
And it's all about sort of being there for your mates.
It's going to start off in a pub and then you end up in the Wild West.
It's a really funny idea.
We're using green screen and stuff like that.
Oh, like CGI.
Yeah, mate.
So, basically, what I want to see is, I'm going to give you different situations and just improvise around it.
OK, yeah, just keep it really nice and natural.
You're in the pub and, Justin, you're watching a football match on the TV and, Darvid, you've gone to get drinks.
Oh, come on! Here you go, mate.
Get those down you! Thanks, mate, I need it.
Oh, really? Tough day? Yeah, tell me about it.
My boss's been giving me jip.
Tell him to get off your back.
I should do, huh? Cross it! Come on, the ref needs glasses! Darvid, your team just score a goal.
You're over the moon.
Yes! Cos your team have gone down.
Oh, no way! And he's my favourite one, as well.
And then suddenly, the whole pub just transforms into, like, a Wild West saloon.
You're looking around, you've never seen anything quite like it.
Really wide-eyed, Justin, you've never seen anything quite like it.
OK, so you've just been in a pub, Justin, and the whole place has transformed.
So I really want to see really wide-eyed Justin.
Yeah, and you look at yourselves in the mirror.
And you see that you're dressed head to toe in cowboy outfits.
Nice chaps! That's really nice ad-lib, Darvid.
Nice hat.
OK, and then a gun fight breaks out and you're caught right in the middle of it.
So you take your guns out and you're fighting back.
Yeah.
OK, and you make an escape.
You run through the door and then suddenly you hear You look behind you and see these Red Indians, and they lasso you.
So now they've caught you, and, Darvid, you're on the floor and your hands and wrists are tied up with rope.
And Justin, you're on top of Darvid.
Right.
Erm, but facing the other way.
Like this? Yeah.
All the way down, flat, on top of Darvid.
Totally flat.
That's really good.
And you've got spurs so you're trying to undo the rope with them.
It's working.
That's lovely, Darvid.
Really clever.
Hello, mate.
How you doing? You all right? Yeah, I'm just in a casting.
Yeah, OK, I'll ring you back at seven, OK.
Bye-bye.
That's cool, guys, and you finally break loose.
And you stand up and then you take a sip of your beer.
Beer and mates.
Beer and mates.
Darvid, can we have you saying the line, "Beer and mates"? Beer and mates.
Excellent.
That's really, really nice, yeah.
Erm, Darvid, could you stay and, Justin, could you send the next guy in, please? Am I Am I done, then? Unless you want to stay? Do you want me to stay? No.
OK.
Thanks, then.
Cheers.
Cheers, Justin.
Thanks, mate.
That was really good, really nice.
Yeah, what's up? My name is Switch, I'm a spoken-word poet and this one's called Fallen Brothers.
Check it.
Ben Eveley, Matthew Price, William Milling, Andrew Chaplin, Sanderson Jones You chose a path that would tear us apart Cos all you ever wanted to be was smart As I walk these streets Your ghost's torturing me All because you went off to study at university Gabrielle Harry Nunn Richard Hay-Campbell You were taken away from us too soon Places like Bristol, Bournemouth, Exeter Might as well have been the Moon I should have known you'd be taken by these devils When you got four A-stars in your A-levels But I know, my brothers, we will meet again If not for Christmas or Easter Then definitely in the summer holidays One love, never forgotten We miss you.
Edward Fenton-White, Richard Hay-Campbell, Gabriel Harry Nunn, Namaste.
Ben, I'm a little bit confused.
I can't see any food and beverage experience on your application form.
So, Ben, what have you been up to? Er, I've been on a gap year.
All right, I don't even know what that means.
Sorry, I'm late, I've got a sore throat, which means that I shouldn't really be here.
Stuart, this is Ben.
Apparently, he's just been on a gap year.
You may as well be talking Swahili to me, Andy.
Look, here at La Bruschetta, our USP is efficient service, which means being able to adapt to any situation.
OK? So let's try some role play.
That sounds like a fantastic idea to me, Andy.
What I'm going to do is, I'm going to give you a familiar scenario and I want you to intervene where you see fit.
Cool.
No, Ben, not cool.
Serious.
OK, so let's say that the cafe is very busy and there's a woman breast-feeding her baby and there's a man on his laptop who's uncomfortable with the situation.
Stuart, do you want to be the man on the laptop? Nah.
No? What about the breast-feeding lady? That'll be great thanks, Andy.
OK, I'll be the guy on the laptop.
OK, here we go.
You enjoying that milk, baby? Excuse me? What? I find it rather uncomfortable, you breast-feeding your baby while I'm working in this beautiful well-stocked cafe.
Right, have you finished? OK, first of all, youshouldn't be looking, OK? Second of all, this happens to be themost natural thing in the world.
But I'd rather not have your tits rammed down my throat while I'm working.
Perhaps you can explain that you don't like my breast-feeding to my boyfriend, Jesus, who happens to be one of the most dangerous and notorious gang members in all of New Mexico.
Oh, is that right, Jesus? Oh, well, if you are one of the, if notthemost notorious gang members in New Mexico, then I'd be very interested to know what you make of this, Jesus.
And these, Jesus.
Oh, my God, Jesus, that means he's part of the Hernandez family! Aren't they the gang that killed your papa? I'm flabbergasted.
God only knows how you must be feeling right now.
Perhaps we should all just Time for talk is over now, there's a proper gun, lad.
Sit down! De puta madre! Get off!! Oh, Ben, this is a role play.
You just crossed the line there, pal.
So that's a "no" to you working here at La Bruschetta.
You two are fucking mental.
Not in front of the baby, Ben.
You're leaking, Stuart.
Oh, no! We were coming to the end of our internship and I realised that things had been moving so fast we'd been putting career first and friendship second.
It's been a real rollercoaster ride, but tonight theses little fishes are going out on the town to celebrate all the good times.
OK, OK, hush.
Hush one second.
OK, before we go on to celebrate our friendship at Honky Tonks, I'd like to read out a poem that I've written.
It's called, "Random".
"Friendships are the little things The memories, the fights "The inside jokes and the craziest nights "But through sunshine and rain Through laughter and tears "We shall be friends all through the years.
" Oh, babe.
I also have a poem.
"Blossom falls on a summer stream" OK! Let's party! Too many bubbles.
Yeah! Who's that? Ah, did you really think we'd be going to Honky Tonks alone? Girls, let me introduce you, to the guys next door.
Raul Buonasera.
Marcello Enchante.
And Ian.
All right.
Raoul, Marcello and Ian, let me introduce you to your hot dates for this evening.
Now, let's get our drink on, come on! Where to? Honky Tonks in Piccadilly Circus.
The cab seats five and there's six of you.
One of you will have to phone another taxi.
OK, this isn't happening.
Oh, God, no! Well, you need to make a decision.
Let's let the boys decide.
OK, guys, who thinks I should be the one to stay behind? Yumi, you stayed.
Rachel, I no leave you, friends forever.
Yeah, friends forever.
Honky Tonks.
Now! Rachel! Ple-e-e-ease! 'Next season on Young Dreams 'more dramas.
' It's always drama, drama, drama with you! 'Olivia gets out of the wrong side of bed.
' 'And Yumi gets possessed by Beelzebub.
' Rachel, please! If you're not the one Then why does my soul feel glad today? Hey, Janice.
Hi, Charlie, could you sign this? I will, but only in exchange for a flirt.
If it's quick, Charlie, I've got to get back to work.
Yeah, we can make it a quickie.
It's a beautiful day outside.
Yes, it's lovely.
It's very hot.
Yes, yes, it is.
You're also hot, Janice.
Thank you, Charlie.
After Sally, you're probably the hottest girl in the office.
Thanks.
Hey, Jan-ice, hey, Charlie.
Flirting, huh? Room for a little one? You haven't got a shirt on.
Yeah, it's dress-down Friday.
I know that.
Hence why I'm wearing denim jeans.
You have an amazing body.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Yes, she's my pride and joy.
We just got back from Miami.
She loves the beach and I love the bars, so it's a real match made in heaven! Wow! Oh, she's getting restless.
I'd better take her down to the park.
But it's not even 12! She doesn't care about the time, she just wants to get out into the sun.
Come on, let's go! Catch you guys later.
What's that, Cher? Yes, we can get an ice cream.
He's amazing.
Yes he is.
And he's my best friend.
Oh.
So, someone in the office another year older.
Before long, you're asking yourself, "Where did it all go?" Actually, it's not a birthday.
It's a leaving card for New Guy.
You fucking what?! 'Well, today's a very exciting day for me.
'It's the opening of my new exhibition 'and Jill thought it might be quite nice to have it at our home in Hadley Wood.
'We thought we'd keep it small and informal for family and close friends.
' The mini bread sticks are in here, Jill.
Oh, right.
Basically, we wanted to have it away from the agents and buyers in London where they'll get their grubby paws all over it.
Jill likes to call them "the vultures".
Oh, bet your bottom dollar that'll be Graham.
First to arrive, last to leave.
Guaranteed.
Hello.
Speak of the devil.
Banks, am I all right parked there? Yes, you're all right on a Saturday, but in the week it's a nightmare.
Oh, hello, someone's gone to town, look.
Yeah, Jill's gone for a sort of Moroccan spread.
We've got hummus with lemon and coriander, hummus with red peppers, hummus with caramelised onion and just plain hummus.
I said to Jill, "I just hope that people like hummus.
" 'Everyone's here and I've got to admit, I'm quite nervous.
'I'm hoping the feedback is good, but you never know.
' Would you believe it, Margaret, that a little birdy told me that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie might be interested in buying some of my work, he says rubbing his hands.
Oh! Brangelina! Jill, Margaret just called Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie "Brangelina"! That is absolutely brilliant.
That's very, very funny.
Did you hear that, Graham? This one here's of planet Earth as a sort of sad smiley face.
Oh, right, yeah.
What's the er what's the message, Banks? Er, the message there being, Michael, is sadly we are losing her.
So Now, that I really do love that.
That is That is fantastic.
Yes, actually, that's not one of mine, that's one of Jill's watercolours.
She's obsessed with leopards.
Jill? Have you ever thought of selling these? They're very good.
Oh, no, it's just a silly hobby, really! Banksy thinks I've got too many! No! Yes, yes! No, I didn't say that.
I like them, I just posed the question, "How many pictures of leopards can one household have?" How do you get your inspiration, Jill? Google mainly.
'Well, all in all I think today went rather well.
'I got some really positive feedback on my street pictures.
' And Jill managed to sell off a couple of her leopards, which was unexpected.
What did I tell you? First to arrive, last to leave.
Every single time.
Wow! Hello there, don't be scared.
What's your name? What you doing up there? Are you hungry? I've got to go to work, little fella.
I'll see you later.
OK? He's still there.
Look what I got you.
I've got some bread for you.
Here you go.
Come on, little one.
You look starving.
OK, have it your way.
Bye-bye.
Hey, there.
Still here? Look what I've got for you.
That's it.
Come on, don't be scared.
Hey, come on, eat it all up.
Oh, your hair feels amazing.
Bye-bye.
Got ya! Hello, Jamous? Yeah, I got a pick up for you.
Four blokes and they're waiting outside.
I think they're students.
All right, ta-dah.
How was your weekend, all right? Bit of a funny one actually, Terry.
Oh, yeah? You know when we was having a drink down at the pub? Yeah.
After you left, right, some geezer's come over, right, started having a go, giving it the big'un.
Right.
So I've had to take them outside.
Did you give him a good pasting? We had a bit of a scuffle.
Yeah.
Anyway, just as I was leaving, right, this mysterious stranger's come out the shadows, he's given me his card.
He goes "Have you ever thought about doing this for money?" Oh, yeah? He goes, "There's a fighting competition on this island in the South China Seas.
"We could do with a bloke like you.
" He goes, "We'll pay for the flights, the grub and the hotel.
Pop along.
" So I thought, "Yeah, let's have it.
" And I flew out the next day.
" Was Jason Statham there? That's the sort of thing I could picture him at.
Oh, he was there.
But he weren't fighting cos he'd done his knee in.
He was just having a flutter and a drink.
So what was the hotel like? Not bad.
Did you go to your room or did you look about? I went to my room, freshened up, had a couple of Murray Mints on the bed.
Murray Mints.
They had an itinerary saying that we had to go down to the ballroom for a meet and greet, so I go down there, right.
Some old bloke looks like Ming The Merciless.
Oh, I know him, yeah.
He's doing some speech about honour.
Yeah.
The warriors had to throw a ball and say each others names.
Oh, break the ice and that? Yeah, all that sort of stuff.
So was breakfast included, Phil? Well, this is the thing.
I was led to believe it was, but it was only a continental that was included.
If you wanted an English you had to pay for it, and it was nine quid! God, they try it on, don't they? Oh, yeah, I was livid.
But I used that anger in the tournament.
Oh, yeah, so was it winner stays on? Oh, yeah, they couldn't touch me.
The organisers were desperately trying to find someone to beat me.
In the end, they wheeled out a fucking panda in a grass skirt.
Cor, they're vicious, aren't they, pandas? Oh, yeah.
When they're cornered.
I was like, "Oh, give over, I don't mind having a tear-up with a geezer "but I'm not going to hit an animal.
" Well, they're God's creatures.
Yeah.
So what was Statham doing? I bet he was lovin' it.
He weren't even there, he'd gone off to move his car.
No! So anyway, panda comes out, I've given a little wink, like, let's give 'em a bit of a show and everything.
He was down with it, so we have a tussle.
I've given a coupla knocks.
Few to the left, few to the right and then I pretended to have an asthma attack.
Oh, that's good of you.
So what did you do the rest of the weekend? Me and Statham rented mopeds.
We did a little tour of the island, didn't we? Oh, lovely.
Yeah.
So, now you spend some time with Jason Statham, what do you make of him? Truth be told, Terry - he's tight as arseholes.
Mr Carey, cab to Billericay.
There you are.
Not enjoying the party, huh? Yeah, no, it's great.
The pussy's out in full force.
So when were you going to tell me? Oh, Charlie.
I was only ever covering maternity leave.
Maternity leave? That's what I do, I'm a temp.
You mean you're not even a full-time employee? No, sir, I just go from job to job.
Get a call on a Friday and I rock up Monday morning.
It's a lifestyle choice.
Job Angels? There's a whole world out there just waiting for you, Charlie.
I don't know, I've got my shit locked down here, I've got my system.
I'm happy.
I'm not going to lie to you.
Temping isn't all champagne and speedboats.
No sick pay, no holidays, there'll be long periods when I'm out of work all together.
But the pussy, Charlie.
The pussy's out of this world.
So where to next, New Guy? King's College - it's an £8.
50 hourly wage and I know, for a fact, that they're looking for more admin staff.
When do we start? So you must be the new temps.
Maybe we are.