Catch-22 (2019) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
1 YOSSARIAN: Help! [INSECTS BUZZING.]
Hello? My balls.
[SMOOTH JAZZ MUSIC.]
[PANTING.]
Sweet Jesus.
[GROANING.]
Oh [GRUNTS.]
Ow.
Hello? Hello? Hello? [BELL RINGING.]
[CHILDREN CHATTERING.]
[BELL CONTINUES TO RING.]
[NERVOUS CHATTER.]
YOSSARIAN: Mm.
[PANTING.]
- What? - [HEAVY BREATHING.]
[GROANING.]
[HISSES.]
Oh, Christ.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, God.
How how bad is it, Doc? Eh [STAMMERS.]
Va bene.
Hai perso molto sange.
Uh, sorry, what? Have I lost my balls? Dovrei cucirlo.
[GROANS.]
I I don't understand you.
Uh, do you speak English? - [STAMMERING.]
Inglese? - No, no, Italiano.
[STAMMERING.]
No, Inglese.
BOTH: No, no.
Inglese? No? Oh, no? Oh, Christ.
[SIGHS.]
Um [SNIFFS.]
Hey, can can I Hey, Doc, you see this? Uno.
Due.
Down here.
Due? Ah, si, si.
Due.
Due? Two? Two? I I've got due balls? Si.
Due testicoli, certo.
Oh, God, thank Christ.
Thank God.
I've got two.
- Due.
- ALL: Due.
YOSSARIAN: [LAUGHING.]
Due balls! I got due! Oh! Huh? Oh, yeah, okay, sure.
You do do whatever you gotta do, Doc.
Eh Due.
Oh, Christ! [ALL CHATTERING IN ITALIAN.]
[ZESTY ITALIAN MUSIC.]
MAN: Hey! [ALL CHEERING.]
WOMAN: Bravo! [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
YOSSARIAN: Hi, hi.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh Oh, Christ.
Thank you, thanks.
[ALL CHATTERING IN ITALIAN.]
Cheers, thank you for having me.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Spaghetti's coming.
Oh, my God.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Christ, thank you.
Oh, thank you.
That's wonderful.
MAN: Salute, salute! [ALL CHEERING.]
YOSSARIAN: Cheers.
Salute.
Buongiorno.
WOMAN: Buongiorno, signore.
Buongiorno.
[LAUGHS.]
Buongiorno.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
YOSSARIAN: So what is that? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
I just want to know how far it is to the pasture.
WOMAN: [SPEAKING ITALIAN.]
YOSSARIAN: No, not too far.
Okay, good.
- WOMAN: [LAUGHING.]
- YOSSARIAN: 'Cause I might collapse.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
YOSSARIAN: If you wanted to, that'd be fine.
But I'm not pressuring you or anything.
Yeah, yeah, I'm I'm American.
Yeah, everything about me Yeah.
[INDISTINCT.]
Uh, is that a bird? [NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
What? I I don't understand what you're saying.
- Shh! - Shh.
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN.]
[INSECTS BUZZING.]
Ciao, Yo-Yo.
Buongiorno.
Buongiorno, Silvio.
[APPROACHING ENGINE.]
[ROUSING MILITARISTIC MUSIC.]
Are you an American? [COUGHS.]
No, no Inglese.
No Inglese.
Italiano.
- Is this the American? - Si, si, Americano.
No.
Mamma, nonna, per favore! Si, si! Americano, Americano.
Ah, Yossarian.
No.
[PLANE ENGINE DRONING.]
SCHEISSKOPF: Seven inch swing, four inch gap.
Why is that so hard? Then we look tight! Then we look fierce! Then we stand out from all the goddamn free-swinging arms that seem to be the goddamn fashion these days! You goddamn spastics think I'm gonna let you prance around here like a Busby Berkeley chorus line, then you've got another thing coming to you.
DANEEKA: All right, let's have a look at these nuts.
You're gonna need to skootch and lift.
Okay.
Ow! Sorry, it's just a little dried blood.
[COUGHS.]
- Okay.
- [GROANS.]
DANEEKA: All right, let's have a look at these.
Now, John, it looks like this piece of flak went right between your thighs.
It missed your left testicle, it missed your right testicle, and it split the soft tissue of your scrotum right between your testicles.
And that is what we call spectacular luck.
So can I go home now? Is it that kind of spectacular luck? DANEEKA: You came so close.
Now, if you lose a testicle for your country, of course you get to go home.
But you? You only almost lost a testicle.
You see the difference? The best I can do for an almost-lost testicle is just to keep you here while it's healing.
Of course, while it's healing, the number of missions you have to flying keeps rising.
Which means the longer you're here, the further away you get from going home.
But you already know that.
All right, nurse, I'll leave you to it.
Spectacular luck, huh? Oh, I'm the luckiest guy in the world.
Who knew it was as simple as one testicle? We probably could have arranged for that months ago.
I like the way you think.
MARION: What time do you ship out? 6:00 a.
m.
Ugh, that's ghastly.
Oh, it is.
It's ghastly, all right.
Well, I'd tell you I'm gonna miss you, but I probably won't.
You're gonna miss me a lot more than I'm gonna miss you.
I doubt it.
Do you wanna put money on it? Sure.
- $5.
- [LAUGHING.]
- What? - $5.
What are you, cheap? - 100.
- I'm not putting $100.
- You don't have $100.
- I won't need it.
- Yes, you will.
- No.
[LAUGHS.]
You're silly.
- YOSSARIAN: No, I'm not.
- MARION: Mm-hmm.
[BOTH MOAN.]
[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY.]
MARION: [MOANS.]
YOSSARIAN: [MOANS.]
I like the way your neck smells.
MARION: Mm.
YOSSARIAN: I like the way your hair smells.
[SIGHS.]
I like the way your shoulders smell.
MARION: [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
- [KISSES.]
- YOSSARIAN: [LAUGHS.]
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- Better start saving your pennies.
- MARION: [LAUGHING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
LORENZO: Buongiorno, Mister Yo-Yo.
- We have a gift for you! - Hey, fellas.
What's the rumpus? LORENZO: Is from, uh, Mister Milo.
Oh, is he back? I need to talk to him.
Eh, no, no.
Mister Milo in Togo.
When is he back? - Eh, sabato.
- Saturday.
Well, can you get him on the radio? I need to talk to him.
He offered me a job.
I said no, but now I think I need to say yes.
Eh, no, no, he on a ship.
He send you this.
This for your testicolo.
Is very big room.
For testicolo, no? - LEONARDO: Yes, because no want, eh - [HISSES THROUGH TEETH.]
- is very bad.
- For your balls.
[JAUNTY JAZZ MUSIC.]
SOLDIER: [WOLF WHISTLES.]
Over here, tootsie! [SMOOCHES.]
SOLDIER: [WOLF WHISTLES.]
Nice pants! [SOLDIER LAUGHS.]
I'm told this is Cathcart's office now.
Yes, sir.
- Where's Major Major gone? - TOWSER: He's in there, too, sir.
- They're in there together? - TOWSER: Yes, sir.
- Can I go in? - That depends.
- YOSSARIAN: Depends on what? - Depends on who you're here to see.
- Cathcart? - Fine.
CATHCART: I told you, the deal's off, Yossarian.
YOSSARIAN: I know the deal's off.
Hiya, Major.
- Hi, Yossarian.
- How you been? Pretty swell.
- Well, then what is it that you want? - I want to go home.
You owe me.
I just told you the deal is off.
Scheisskopf saw to that.
You were there.
But I didn't make the deal with Scheisskopf, - I made it with you! - And he unmade it.
My hands are tied.
I've had my balls blown off.
I want you to send me home.
I can't.
What do you mean you can't? - Yes, you can! - CATHCART: I mean that I can't.
I'd like to, believe me.
I'd like to see you gone from here as much as you would.
- Then do it! - CATHCART: I can't, son.
You mean to tell me that you don't have the authority - to send people home? - Oh, I have the authority to send people home, I just can't send you home.
I am under strict instructions not to send you home without his prior approval.
- He actually said that? - CATHCART: He did.
But I've had my balls blown off! What more does it take? This is a medical emergency.
Well, if it's a medical emergency, I suggest you go talk to Doc Daneeka.
Do I look like a ball doctor to you? - You understand? - Yes, sir.
- That's two doses every two hours.
- Okay.
Doc, hey, I need your help.
You gotta tell Scheisskopf that I've had my balls blown off.
But you haven't had your balls blown off.
Doesn't matter.
He needs to think that they've been blown off.
You're asking me to lie to a guy that we both know is trouble.
No, I'm not asking you to lie.
I'm asking you to use your imagination.
You know that if I stay here, Scheisskopf is gonna fuck me.
I've lost all my friends.
I've flown more missions than anybody on this base, and every time I get close to reaching the quota they raise it on me to fuck me.
I can't do this anymore.
I get that you couldn't ground me for insanity.
I get that you couldn't ground me for liver problems that never existed, but now I finally have a legitimate, actual medical complaint.
And you promised to help me when it counted.
I'm not asking you to lie.
I'm asking you to be a doctor.
DANEEKA: Sir, Captain Yossarian suffered a catastrophic testicular infarction.
A what? - A catastrophic testicular infarction.
- What the hell is that? Well, sir, it's a soft tissue trauma to the scrotal sack.
And? And I believe Captain Yossarian should be sent home.
It's that bad? He may never have children.
You're saying he's had his balls blown off.
Approximately, sir.
Hmm.
I don't know, Doc.
If I'd had my balls blown off, I can't imagine I'd be standing there just like that.
And at attention, no less.
Well, he's heavily medicated right now, sir.
I want to see.
[STAMMERS.]
Excuse me, sir? I want to see.
I wanna understand this "infarction.
" Drop your pants, soldier.
I-I'm not sure that's such a good idea, sir.
He he's very tender down there.
I want to see.
Drop your pants, soldier.
Take the bandage off.
[GASPING.]
[GRUNTS.]
I'm counting two testicles down here, Doc.
I want these stitches out, God damn it.
I want this nut sack back in the air flying missions and serving his country like everybody else, God damn it.
Hike up your pants, soldier! [VELCRO RIPS.]
Who are you? I'm Nurse Cramer.
Oh.
Is Sue Anne not working today? Nurse Duckett's gone.
Where? CRAMER: Gone home.
To the nurses' quarters? She's gone home.
Her tour finished.
When? She left this morning.
She didn't say anything.
CRAMER: We treat a lot of soldiers here.
She's not about to say goodbye to all of them.
All right, let's have a look at these testicles.
[MELANCHOLY MILITARISTIC MUSIC.]
Okay.
Looks like you're good to go.
[ENGINE RUMBLING.]
SOLDIER: [SPITTING.]
[HEAVING.]
[RETCHING, COUGHING.]
Sorry, sir.
- What's your name? - Snowden, sir.
- YOSSARIAN: What's your first name? - Christopher, sir.
I'm John.
This your first mission? Yes, sir.
It's it's my first mission.
- Take a breath, son.
- [LAUGHS.]
You're gonna be fine.
Okay? Let's go, it'll be fun.
Yes, sir.
Hey, where you going? I I'm a tail gunner.
There's nothing to shoot at.
There's no Germans in the air.
It's just us.
Have a seat by that window over there.
You'll be all right.
Just stay out of that tail.
Yes, sir.
[METAL CREAKING.]
[RUMBLING GROWING LOUDER.]
[ENGINE WHIRRING.]
AARFY: Coming up on two minutes out.
[ENGINES DRONING, CANNONS BOOMING.]
We're at 4,000 feet.
See the target on the left? You see that? [BANGING.]
SOLDIER: I got it.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Here we go.
AARFY: Holding steady.
Are you lined up, Yossarian? YOSSARIAN: Yes, I'm fucking lined up.
AARFY: That's the wrong bridge.
[BANGING, EXPLOSION.]
MAN: [HOLLERS.]
- Hey, what happened back there? - AARFY: The right engine is hit! - We're hit! - CO-PILOT: Help him! - PILOT: Cut the fuel! - CO-PILOT: Help him! - PILOT: Cutting the fuel! - CO-PILOT: Help him! - Help who? - CO-PILOT: The bombardier! Help him! Help the bombardier! I'm the bombardier! CO-PILOT: Then help him! - Help him! - Help who? - Who is this? - CO-PILOT: The side gunner! The kid! The new kid! Help him! AARFY: Where the hell you going? [REPEATED BANGING, GUNFIRE.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
YOSSARIAN: Okay, okay.
I'm cold.
You're gonna be all right, okay? You're gonna be all right.
[INDISTINCT MUTTER.]
Okay.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
I'm cold.
Well, we're gonna get you warm.
[GRUNTS, SHAKY BREATHING.]
YOSSARIAN: Okay.
Okay, look it's ugly, kid, but it's not as ugly as it looks.
There's no arteries cut, so you're not gonna die.
But I'm cold.
YOSSARIAN: Well, that's a good sign, you know? - It's a sign that your body - [HEAVY BREATHING.]
Is responding properly [GRUNTS.]
And it's sending the warmth to your leg.
But your brain doesn't know.
Okay.
- Keep that there.
- SNOWDEN: [GROANS.]
It's all right.
That's all right.
What did you say your name was? It's John.
John Yossarian.
John Yossarian.
[SNIFFS.]
Okay, look at me, okay? Ah, fuck.
[RAGGED BREATHING.]
Hey, can somebody help me here? This is a good bandage, okay? It's gonna get you home safe.
[GROANING, SHALLOW BREATHING.]
My my dad's a dentist.
YOSSARIAN: Yeah, I knew it.
And he's gonna be glad to have you back, right? Just look at me.
Look at me.
- [GRUNTS.]
- When I get you back on land, Doc Daneeka's gonna make you right as rain.
Okay.
Come here, let's get you up.
Okay, come on.
Let's get you up.
[WIND HOWLING.]
Oh, shit.
[HEAVY BREATHING.]
Oh, shit.
SNOWDEN: [WHIMPERING SOFTLY.]
[HEARTRENDING MUSIC.]
- Look at me.
- [STAMMERS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GASPING.]
Oh, fuck.
Okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Your eyes Keep your eyes right on me.
Okay, all right.
Okay, now.
Now We just gotta get you comfortable.
- Okay.
- Okay? Okay, get you comfortable.
Nice and comfortable.
Get you nice and comfortable.
Okay.
Nice and easy.
- Nice and easy.
- [WHIMPERING.]
YOSSARIAN: [MURMURING INDISTINCTLY.]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[WHEELS SCREECH.]
[ENGINE SPUTTERING.]
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
[BELT BUCKLE RATTLING.]
[MUFFLED CHATTER.]
[LADDER CLATTERS.]
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
[ENGINE RUMBLING, SIREN WAILING.]
[CHATTER, HOSE SPRAYING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[KEYS CLACKING.]
CHAPLAIN: Yossarian.
You okay? Oh, hi, Chaplain.
I'm fine.
We had a hairy run and we lost a man, but other than that I'm fine.
You're covered in blood.
It's not mine.
Do you want can I get you some clothes? No, I'm fine.
Thanks.
How are you? I'm I'm fine, I'm I'm good.
Uh That's good.
Who did you lose? Oh, he was a new kid.
You might not have known him yet.
Where are you off to? I'm heading home.
Can I get you anything? No, thank you.
CHAPLAIN: None of us can say we really knew Christopher but we know the kind of boy he was: A boy willing to put himself in the path of danger A boy barely out of school, willing to leave his family and all that the held dear, all that was safe, all that was familiar To come to a place where those things would seem like a dream, for there was a bigger dream to liberate a world beset by darkness.
Christopher Snowden shared that dream [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
With all of us.
When I came here, I knew this would be one of my duties.
This But nobody really dies here.
They just vanish, they They vanish into the sky.
So I do services.
Not burials services.
But thankfully, not today.
We'll keep Christopher Snowden here.
We'll know where he is.
We'll know where to find him.
We'll lament that the life he lived did not turn out to be the life he should have lived.
He was 18.
He didn't get to know the love of a wife or children.
That they loved him, they longed for his return just as he longs for them.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Nevertheless, he was greatly loved, and will be greatly missed.
Let us pray for his parents, Raymond and Elizabeth.
MILO: Hey.
What are you doing in a tree? Oh, hiya, Milo.
MILO: Can I come up? [GRUNTING.]
I heard about your protest.
Good for you.
This isn't a protest.
Well, good for you.
Whose funeral? YOSSARIAN: They're burying that kid that got killed in my plane the other day.
MILO: What happened to him? He got killed.
I heard your deal with Cathcart fell through.
You're not going home.
Did you hear about Orr? He turned up in Sweden.
His body? No, alive and well.
Apparently he rode there.
I don't know, they're saying that's what he did.
Who's saying? Where did you hear this? Somebody heard from somebody.
They're all talking about it down there.
If you weren't running around naked you might have heard it, too.
Hey, good for him.
[SIGHS.]
It's gonna be all right.
Hey.
Hey, where you going? Hey, you're gonna come work with me, right? We'd be unstoppable! SCHEISSKOPF: And during the long winter of 1777, a Prussian nobleman by the name of Baron Von Steuben aided George Washington greatly in teaching musket drill to a small unit of 100 soldiers.
Those soldiers taught the remaining Continental Army at Valley Forge.
And so, drill formation has a long and glorious history that is a living link to the days and the dreams of our founding fathers.
And so, here today with these shining blue skies that God has seen fit to deliver we, too, are a part of that history.
General Dreedle, Commanding Officer of the entire European operation, has come here all the way from London because he has heard about you men And your tight formations.
Your fiercely tight formations.
And now, without further ado strike up the band.
And, let's start the parade! Forward, march! DREEDLE: For uncommon valor, I hereby award you the Distinguished Flying Cross.
KORN: This is Private First Class James Marsh, sir.
Step forward, Private.
For uncommon valor, I hereby award you the Distinguished Flying Cross.
Well, sir, you know what? I didn't do nothing my grandpappy didn't teach me.
"Be a straight shooter.
Be a straight talker.
Be a clean fighter," he always used to tell.
And by golly, if I hadn't tried to abide by his advice - KORN: Thank you, Private.
- I didn't do nothing brave, though.
- I did what any other fella - I'm sure you did.
- Good for you, son.
- Just like instinct.
DREEDLE: And who the hell is this? This is Yossarian, sir.
I don't know what the hell he thinks he's doing.
Is this some kind of a joke, soldier? What the hell is he doing here? CATHCART: Captain Yossarian is receiving the Distinguished Flying Cross, sir.
Well, I'll be damned.
Why aren't you wearing clothes, son? I don't want to.
DREEDLE: What do you mean, you don't want to? Why the hell don't you want to? I just don't want to.
- Why isn't he wearing clothes? - Why isn't he wearing clothes? A man was killed in his plane and bled all over him.
He swears he will never wea A man was killed in his plane and bled all over him, and he's left his clothes in the laundry.
- Where are his other uniforms? - In the laundry as well, sir.
- What about his underwear? - They're his underwear's in the laundry as well, sir.
Sounds like a lot of crap to me.
- It is a lot of crap, sir.
- SCHEISSKOPF: Don't worry, sir.
I can promise you that I will personally punish this man.
He will be thrashed within an inch of his life.
What the hell do I care if he's punished or not? He's just won a medal, for Christ's sake.
My sentiments exactly, sir.
DREEDLE: He wants to receive it without any clothes on, what the hell business is it of yours? Did you win a medal? Uh, n-no, sir, I didn't win a medal.
[STAMMERS.]
DREEDLE: I commend your bravery, Captain.
What did he do? CATHCART: He blew up a bridge in Ferrara, sir.
Went over the target twice under enemy fire, sir.
- So you're a pilot, son? - He's a bombardier, sir.
- Why isn't the pilot getting a medal? - Why isn't the pilot getting a medal? - He died, sir.
- No, he didn't.
- Yes, he did.
- No, he didn't.
Jesus Christ, I haven't got all day.
- I'm with you there, sir.
- You shut up.
Soldier, for flying back over Ferrara to blow up a bridge under enemy fire, I hereby award you the Distinguished Flying Cross.
Good work, son.
[APPROACHING PLANE ENGINE.]
[LIGHTHEARTED JAZZ MUSIC.]
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
[MUSIC FADES.]
[PAPER RUSTLING.]
[DISTANT ENGINES RUMBLING, MEN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY.]
Hi.
I think I'm supposed to be in this tent.
They said I'm supposed to be in Tent 12? Are you Captain Yossarian? Yes, I am.
Lieutenant Newman.
Hi.
Are you okay? [PATS BACK.]
[ENGINE GROWING LOUDER.]
[GUNFIRE POPPING.]
[METAL RATTLING.]
PILOT: Yo-Yo, how we looking down there? YOSSARIAN: Almost there.
And [BUTTON CLICKS.]
Release.
[ENGINE DRONING.]
And release.
Let's call it a day [SLOW JAZZ MUSIC.]
And release.
Let us say That we just can't pretend And we know it's the end Why delay? Let's call it a day YOSSARIAN: And release.
Hello? My balls.
[SMOOTH JAZZ MUSIC.]
[PANTING.]
Sweet Jesus.
[GROANING.]
Oh [GRUNTS.]
Ow.
Hello? Hello? Hello? [BELL RINGING.]
[CHILDREN CHATTERING.]
[BELL CONTINUES TO RING.]
[NERVOUS CHATTER.]
YOSSARIAN: Mm.
[PANTING.]
- What? - [HEAVY BREATHING.]
[GROANING.]
[HISSES.]
Oh, Christ.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, God.
How how bad is it, Doc? Eh [STAMMERS.]
Va bene.
Hai perso molto sange.
Uh, sorry, what? Have I lost my balls? Dovrei cucirlo.
[GROANS.]
I I don't understand you.
Uh, do you speak English? - [STAMMERING.]
Inglese? - No, no, Italiano.
[STAMMERING.]
No, Inglese.
BOTH: No, no.
Inglese? No? Oh, no? Oh, Christ.
[SIGHS.]
Um [SNIFFS.]
Hey, can can I Hey, Doc, you see this? Uno.
Due.
Down here.
Due? Ah, si, si.
Due.
Due? Two? Two? I I've got due balls? Si.
Due testicoli, certo.
Oh, God, thank Christ.
Thank God.
I've got two.
- Due.
- ALL: Due.
YOSSARIAN: [LAUGHING.]
Due balls! I got due! Oh! Huh? Oh, yeah, okay, sure.
You do do whatever you gotta do, Doc.
Eh Due.
Oh, Christ! [ALL CHATTERING IN ITALIAN.]
[ZESTY ITALIAN MUSIC.]
MAN: Hey! [ALL CHEERING.]
WOMAN: Bravo! [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
YOSSARIAN: Hi, hi.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh Oh, Christ.
Thank you, thanks.
[ALL CHATTERING IN ITALIAN.]
Cheers, thank you for having me.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Spaghetti's coming.
Oh, my God.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Christ, thank you.
Oh, thank you.
That's wonderful.
MAN: Salute, salute! [ALL CHEERING.]
YOSSARIAN: Cheers.
Salute.
Buongiorno.
WOMAN: Buongiorno, signore.
Buongiorno.
[LAUGHS.]
Buongiorno.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
YOSSARIAN: So what is that? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
I just want to know how far it is to the pasture.
WOMAN: [SPEAKING ITALIAN.]
YOSSARIAN: No, not too far.
Okay, good.
- WOMAN: [LAUGHING.]
- YOSSARIAN: 'Cause I might collapse.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
YOSSARIAN: If you wanted to, that'd be fine.
But I'm not pressuring you or anything.
Yeah, yeah, I'm I'm American.
Yeah, everything about me Yeah.
[INDISTINCT.]
Uh, is that a bird? [NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
What? I I don't understand what you're saying.
- Shh! - Shh.
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN.]
[INSECTS BUZZING.]
Ciao, Yo-Yo.
Buongiorno.
Buongiorno, Silvio.
[APPROACHING ENGINE.]
[ROUSING MILITARISTIC MUSIC.]
Are you an American? [COUGHS.]
No, no Inglese.
No Inglese.
Italiano.
- Is this the American? - Si, si, Americano.
No.
Mamma, nonna, per favore! Si, si! Americano, Americano.
Ah, Yossarian.
No.
[PLANE ENGINE DRONING.]
SCHEISSKOPF: Seven inch swing, four inch gap.
Why is that so hard? Then we look tight! Then we look fierce! Then we stand out from all the goddamn free-swinging arms that seem to be the goddamn fashion these days! You goddamn spastics think I'm gonna let you prance around here like a Busby Berkeley chorus line, then you've got another thing coming to you.
DANEEKA: All right, let's have a look at these nuts.
You're gonna need to skootch and lift.
Okay.
Ow! Sorry, it's just a little dried blood.
[COUGHS.]
- Okay.
- [GROANS.]
DANEEKA: All right, let's have a look at these.
Now, John, it looks like this piece of flak went right between your thighs.
It missed your left testicle, it missed your right testicle, and it split the soft tissue of your scrotum right between your testicles.
And that is what we call spectacular luck.
So can I go home now? Is it that kind of spectacular luck? DANEEKA: You came so close.
Now, if you lose a testicle for your country, of course you get to go home.
But you? You only almost lost a testicle.
You see the difference? The best I can do for an almost-lost testicle is just to keep you here while it's healing.
Of course, while it's healing, the number of missions you have to flying keeps rising.
Which means the longer you're here, the further away you get from going home.
But you already know that.
All right, nurse, I'll leave you to it.
Spectacular luck, huh? Oh, I'm the luckiest guy in the world.
Who knew it was as simple as one testicle? We probably could have arranged for that months ago.
I like the way you think.
MARION: What time do you ship out? 6:00 a.
m.
Ugh, that's ghastly.
Oh, it is.
It's ghastly, all right.
Well, I'd tell you I'm gonna miss you, but I probably won't.
You're gonna miss me a lot more than I'm gonna miss you.
I doubt it.
Do you wanna put money on it? Sure.
- $5.
- [LAUGHING.]
- What? - $5.
What are you, cheap? - 100.
- I'm not putting $100.
- You don't have $100.
- I won't need it.
- Yes, you will.
- No.
[LAUGHS.]
You're silly.
- YOSSARIAN: No, I'm not.
- MARION: Mm-hmm.
[BOTH MOAN.]
[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY.]
MARION: [MOANS.]
YOSSARIAN: [MOANS.]
I like the way your neck smells.
MARION: Mm.
YOSSARIAN: I like the way your hair smells.
[SIGHS.]
I like the way your shoulders smell.
MARION: [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
- [KISSES.]
- YOSSARIAN: [LAUGHS.]
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- Better start saving your pennies.
- MARION: [LAUGHING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
LORENZO: Buongiorno, Mister Yo-Yo.
- We have a gift for you! - Hey, fellas.
What's the rumpus? LORENZO: Is from, uh, Mister Milo.
Oh, is he back? I need to talk to him.
Eh, no, no.
Mister Milo in Togo.
When is he back? - Eh, sabato.
- Saturday.
Well, can you get him on the radio? I need to talk to him.
He offered me a job.
I said no, but now I think I need to say yes.
Eh, no, no, he on a ship.
He send you this.
This for your testicolo.
Is very big room.
For testicolo, no? - LEONARDO: Yes, because no want, eh - [HISSES THROUGH TEETH.]
- is very bad.
- For your balls.
[JAUNTY JAZZ MUSIC.]
SOLDIER: [WOLF WHISTLES.]
Over here, tootsie! [SMOOCHES.]
SOLDIER: [WOLF WHISTLES.]
Nice pants! [SOLDIER LAUGHS.]
I'm told this is Cathcart's office now.
Yes, sir.
- Where's Major Major gone? - TOWSER: He's in there, too, sir.
- They're in there together? - TOWSER: Yes, sir.
- Can I go in? - That depends.
- YOSSARIAN: Depends on what? - Depends on who you're here to see.
- Cathcart? - Fine.
CATHCART: I told you, the deal's off, Yossarian.
YOSSARIAN: I know the deal's off.
Hiya, Major.
- Hi, Yossarian.
- How you been? Pretty swell.
- Well, then what is it that you want? - I want to go home.
You owe me.
I just told you the deal is off.
Scheisskopf saw to that.
You were there.
But I didn't make the deal with Scheisskopf, - I made it with you! - And he unmade it.
My hands are tied.
I've had my balls blown off.
I want you to send me home.
I can't.
What do you mean you can't? - Yes, you can! - CATHCART: I mean that I can't.
I'd like to, believe me.
I'd like to see you gone from here as much as you would.
- Then do it! - CATHCART: I can't, son.
You mean to tell me that you don't have the authority - to send people home? - Oh, I have the authority to send people home, I just can't send you home.
I am under strict instructions not to send you home without his prior approval.
- He actually said that? - CATHCART: He did.
But I've had my balls blown off! What more does it take? This is a medical emergency.
Well, if it's a medical emergency, I suggest you go talk to Doc Daneeka.
Do I look like a ball doctor to you? - You understand? - Yes, sir.
- That's two doses every two hours.
- Okay.
Doc, hey, I need your help.
You gotta tell Scheisskopf that I've had my balls blown off.
But you haven't had your balls blown off.
Doesn't matter.
He needs to think that they've been blown off.
You're asking me to lie to a guy that we both know is trouble.
No, I'm not asking you to lie.
I'm asking you to use your imagination.
You know that if I stay here, Scheisskopf is gonna fuck me.
I've lost all my friends.
I've flown more missions than anybody on this base, and every time I get close to reaching the quota they raise it on me to fuck me.
I can't do this anymore.
I get that you couldn't ground me for insanity.
I get that you couldn't ground me for liver problems that never existed, but now I finally have a legitimate, actual medical complaint.
And you promised to help me when it counted.
I'm not asking you to lie.
I'm asking you to be a doctor.
DANEEKA: Sir, Captain Yossarian suffered a catastrophic testicular infarction.
A what? - A catastrophic testicular infarction.
- What the hell is that? Well, sir, it's a soft tissue trauma to the scrotal sack.
And? And I believe Captain Yossarian should be sent home.
It's that bad? He may never have children.
You're saying he's had his balls blown off.
Approximately, sir.
Hmm.
I don't know, Doc.
If I'd had my balls blown off, I can't imagine I'd be standing there just like that.
And at attention, no less.
Well, he's heavily medicated right now, sir.
I want to see.
[STAMMERS.]
Excuse me, sir? I want to see.
I wanna understand this "infarction.
" Drop your pants, soldier.
I-I'm not sure that's such a good idea, sir.
He he's very tender down there.
I want to see.
Drop your pants, soldier.
Take the bandage off.
[GASPING.]
[GRUNTS.]
I'm counting two testicles down here, Doc.
I want these stitches out, God damn it.
I want this nut sack back in the air flying missions and serving his country like everybody else, God damn it.
Hike up your pants, soldier! [VELCRO RIPS.]
Who are you? I'm Nurse Cramer.
Oh.
Is Sue Anne not working today? Nurse Duckett's gone.
Where? CRAMER: Gone home.
To the nurses' quarters? She's gone home.
Her tour finished.
When? She left this morning.
She didn't say anything.
CRAMER: We treat a lot of soldiers here.
She's not about to say goodbye to all of them.
All right, let's have a look at these testicles.
[MELANCHOLY MILITARISTIC MUSIC.]
Okay.
Looks like you're good to go.
[ENGINE RUMBLING.]
SOLDIER: [SPITTING.]
[HEAVING.]
[RETCHING, COUGHING.]
Sorry, sir.
- What's your name? - Snowden, sir.
- YOSSARIAN: What's your first name? - Christopher, sir.
I'm John.
This your first mission? Yes, sir.
It's it's my first mission.
- Take a breath, son.
- [LAUGHS.]
You're gonna be fine.
Okay? Let's go, it'll be fun.
Yes, sir.
Hey, where you going? I I'm a tail gunner.
There's nothing to shoot at.
There's no Germans in the air.
It's just us.
Have a seat by that window over there.
You'll be all right.
Just stay out of that tail.
Yes, sir.
[METAL CREAKING.]
[RUMBLING GROWING LOUDER.]
[ENGINE WHIRRING.]
AARFY: Coming up on two minutes out.
[ENGINES DRONING, CANNONS BOOMING.]
We're at 4,000 feet.
See the target on the left? You see that? [BANGING.]
SOLDIER: I got it.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Here we go.
AARFY: Holding steady.
Are you lined up, Yossarian? YOSSARIAN: Yes, I'm fucking lined up.
AARFY: That's the wrong bridge.
[BANGING, EXPLOSION.]
MAN: [HOLLERS.]
- Hey, what happened back there? - AARFY: The right engine is hit! - We're hit! - CO-PILOT: Help him! - PILOT: Cut the fuel! - CO-PILOT: Help him! - PILOT: Cutting the fuel! - CO-PILOT: Help him! - Help who? - CO-PILOT: The bombardier! Help him! Help the bombardier! I'm the bombardier! CO-PILOT: Then help him! - Help him! - Help who? - Who is this? - CO-PILOT: The side gunner! The kid! The new kid! Help him! AARFY: Where the hell you going? [REPEATED BANGING, GUNFIRE.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
YOSSARIAN: Okay, okay.
I'm cold.
You're gonna be all right, okay? You're gonna be all right.
[INDISTINCT MUTTER.]
Okay.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
I'm cold.
Well, we're gonna get you warm.
[GRUNTS, SHAKY BREATHING.]
YOSSARIAN: Okay.
Okay, look it's ugly, kid, but it's not as ugly as it looks.
There's no arteries cut, so you're not gonna die.
But I'm cold.
YOSSARIAN: Well, that's a good sign, you know? - It's a sign that your body - [HEAVY BREATHING.]
Is responding properly [GRUNTS.]
And it's sending the warmth to your leg.
But your brain doesn't know.
Okay.
- Keep that there.
- SNOWDEN: [GROANS.]
It's all right.
That's all right.
What did you say your name was? It's John.
John Yossarian.
John Yossarian.
[SNIFFS.]
Okay, look at me, okay? Ah, fuck.
[RAGGED BREATHING.]
Hey, can somebody help me here? This is a good bandage, okay? It's gonna get you home safe.
[GROANING, SHALLOW BREATHING.]
My my dad's a dentist.
YOSSARIAN: Yeah, I knew it.
And he's gonna be glad to have you back, right? Just look at me.
Look at me.
- [GRUNTS.]
- When I get you back on land, Doc Daneeka's gonna make you right as rain.
Okay.
Come here, let's get you up.
Okay, come on.
Let's get you up.
[WIND HOWLING.]
Oh, shit.
[HEAVY BREATHING.]
Oh, shit.
SNOWDEN: [WHIMPERING SOFTLY.]
[HEARTRENDING MUSIC.]
- Look at me.
- [STAMMERS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GASPING.]
Oh, fuck.
Okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Your eyes Keep your eyes right on me.
Okay, all right.
Okay, now.
Now We just gotta get you comfortable.
- Okay.
- Okay? Okay, get you comfortable.
Nice and comfortable.
Get you nice and comfortable.
Okay.
Nice and easy.
- Nice and easy.
- [WHIMPERING.]
YOSSARIAN: [MURMURING INDISTINCTLY.]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[WHEELS SCREECH.]
[ENGINE SPUTTERING.]
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
[BELT BUCKLE RATTLING.]
[MUFFLED CHATTER.]
[LADDER CLATTERS.]
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
[ENGINE RUMBLING, SIREN WAILING.]
[CHATTER, HOSE SPRAYING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[KEYS CLACKING.]
CHAPLAIN: Yossarian.
You okay? Oh, hi, Chaplain.
I'm fine.
We had a hairy run and we lost a man, but other than that I'm fine.
You're covered in blood.
It's not mine.
Do you want can I get you some clothes? No, I'm fine.
Thanks.
How are you? I'm I'm fine, I'm I'm good.
Uh That's good.
Who did you lose? Oh, he was a new kid.
You might not have known him yet.
Where are you off to? I'm heading home.
Can I get you anything? No, thank you.
CHAPLAIN: None of us can say we really knew Christopher but we know the kind of boy he was: A boy willing to put himself in the path of danger A boy barely out of school, willing to leave his family and all that the held dear, all that was safe, all that was familiar To come to a place where those things would seem like a dream, for there was a bigger dream to liberate a world beset by darkness.
Christopher Snowden shared that dream [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
With all of us.
When I came here, I knew this would be one of my duties.
This But nobody really dies here.
They just vanish, they They vanish into the sky.
So I do services.
Not burials services.
But thankfully, not today.
We'll keep Christopher Snowden here.
We'll know where he is.
We'll know where to find him.
We'll lament that the life he lived did not turn out to be the life he should have lived.
He was 18.
He didn't get to know the love of a wife or children.
That they loved him, they longed for his return just as he longs for them.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Nevertheless, he was greatly loved, and will be greatly missed.
Let us pray for his parents, Raymond and Elizabeth.
MILO: Hey.
What are you doing in a tree? Oh, hiya, Milo.
MILO: Can I come up? [GRUNTING.]
I heard about your protest.
Good for you.
This isn't a protest.
Well, good for you.
Whose funeral? YOSSARIAN: They're burying that kid that got killed in my plane the other day.
MILO: What happened to him? He got killed.
I heard your deal with Cathcart fell through.
You're not going home.
Did you hear about Orr? He turned up in Sweden.
His body? No, alive and well.
Apparently he rode there.
I don't know, they're saying that's what he did.
Who's saying? Where did you hear this? Somebody heard from somebody.
They're all talking about it down there.
If you weren't running around naked you might have heard it, too.
Hey, good for him.
[SIGHS.]
It's gonna be all right.
Hey.
Hey, where you going? Hey, you're gonna come work with me, right? We'd be unstoppable! SCHEISSKOPF: And during the long winter of 1777, a Prussian nobleman by the name of Baron Von Steuben aided George Washington greatly in teaching musket drill to a small unit of 100 soldiers.
Those soldiers taught the remaining Continental Army at Valley Forge.
And so, drill formation has a long and glorious history that is a living link to the days and the dreams of our founding fathers.
And so, here today with these shining blue skies that God has seen fit to deliver we, too, are a part of that history.
General Dreedle, Commanding Officer of the entire European operation, has come here all the way from London because he has heard about you men And your tight formations.
Your fiercely tight formations.
And now, without further ado strike up the band.
And, let's start the parade! Forward, march! DREEDLE: For uncommon valor, I hereby award you the Distinguished Flying Cross.
KORN: This is Private First Class James Marsh, sir.
Step forward, Private.
For uncommon valor, I hereby award you the Distinguished Flying Cross.
Well, sir, you know what? I didn't do nothing my grandpappy didn't teach me.
"Be a straight shooter.
Be a straight talker.
Be a clean fighter," he always used to tell.
And by golly, if I hadn't tried to abide by his advice - KORN: Thank you, Private.
- I didn't do nothing brave, though.
- I did what any other fella - I'm sure you did.
- Good for you, son.
- Just like instinct.
DREEDLE: And who the hell is this? This is Yossarian, sir.
I don't know what the hell he thinks he's doing.
Is this some kind of a joke, soldier? What the hell is he doing here? CATHCART: Captain Yossarian is receiving the Distinguished Flying Cross, sir.
Well, I'll be damned.
Why aren't you wearing clothes, son? I don't want to.
DREEDLE: What do you mean, you don't want to? Why the hell don't you want to? I just don't want to.
- Why isn't he wearing clothes? - Why isn't he wearing clothes? A man was killed in his plane and bled all over him.
He swears he will never wea A man was killed in his plane and bled all over him, and he's left his clothes in the laundry.
- Where are his other uniforms? - In the laundry as well, sir.
- What about his underwear? - They're his underwear's in the laundry as well, sir.
Sounds like a lot of crap to me.
- It is a lot of crap, sir.
- SCHEISSKOPF: Don't worry, sir.
I can promise you that I will personally punish this man.
He will be thrashed within an inch of his life.
What the hell do I care if he's punished or not? He's just won a medal, for Christ's sake.
My sentiments exactly, sir.
DREEDLE: He wants to receive it without any clothes on, what the hell business is it of yours? Did you win a medal? Uh, n-no, sir, I didn't win a medal.
[STAMMERS.]
DREEDLE: I commend your bravery, Captain.
What did he do? CATHCART: He blew up a bridge in Ferrara, sir.
Went over the target twice under enemy fire, sir.
- So you're a pilot, son? - He's a bombardier, sir.
- Why isn't the pilot getting a medal? - Why isn't the pilot getting a medal? - He died, sir.
- No, he didn't.
- Yes, he did.
- No, he didn't.
Jesus Christ, I haven't got all day.
- I'm with you there, sir.
- You shut up.
Soldier, for flying back over Ferrara to blow up a bridge under enemy fire, I hereby award you the Distinguished Flying Cross.
Good work, son.
[APPROACHING PLANE ENGINE.]
[LIGHTHEARTED JAZZ MUSIC.]
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
[MUSIC FADES.]
[PAPER RUSTLING.]
[DISTANT ENGINES RUMBLING, MEN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY.]
Hi.
I think I'm supposed to be in this tent.
They said I'm supposed to be in Tent 12? Are you Captain Yossarian? Yes, I am.
Lieutenant Newman.
Hi.
Are you okay? [PATS BACK.]
[ENGINE GROWING LOUDER.]
[GUNFIRE POPPING.]
[METAL RATTLING.]
PILOT: Yo-Yo, how we looking down there? YOSSARIAN: Almost there.
And [BUTTON CLICKS.]
Release.
[ENGINE DRONING.]
And release.
Let's call it a day [SLOW JAZZ MUSIC.]
And release.
Let us say That we just can't pretend And we know it's the end Why delay? Let's call it a day YOSSARIAN: And release.