Champions (2018) s01e06 Episode Script
Grandma Dearest
1 [DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey, look who's home.
Hey, how was school? How dare you! What is it now? My shirt? My tighty whities? The fact that I still get DVDs from Netflix? Uh, all of the above and you've never introduced me to my grandparents.
Well, you barely like me, so why would you wanna meet the people that made me? Because I have to do a monologue on a grandparent for history class, and Mr.
Jones is going on paternity leave for eight months.
So it's 100% of our grade.
Oh, just do it on your mom's parents, Sandeep and Aruna.
They were a Neilson family one year.
And they got "Smash" canceled.
We're not currently on speaking terms.
Well, you are in luck.
Our father Jimmy Cook was fascinating.
He was the first guy in our neighborhood to eat a taco.
Yeah, it wasn't for him, but he tried it.
A taco? Parvati's grandmother was the first Indian woman to climb Mount Everest.
They're making a movie about her starring Emma Stone.
What about your mom, Gayle? Uhh, I will introduce you to anyone else in our family.
Our cousin Abby-she's a millionaire from a Bill O'Reilly settlement.
Look, I just don't think it's a good idea for you to meet Gayle.
Yeah, you're right.
It is a wonderful idea.
Back when mom was 17, she was crowned.
Miss Black Irish Brooklyn.
Her talent was bikini trampoline.
Oh, she looks amazing.
But will she still like me? She missed me at my cutest.
Now I'm just hunky.
Okay, I'm sorry, but Gayle and I don't speak.
- She's toxic.
- Don't speak? Toxic? So far, you're just listing amazing female anthems.
- Now I have to meet her.
- No! Okay, your grandmother is a dangerous woman.
Oops, I did it again.
Ugh! - Well, I'm off.
Guess I have no choice but to write my monologue on Jimmy Cook's - battle with rosacea.
- Heroic battle.
It was everywhere.
He looked like a Craisin.
I know Mom wasn't perfect.
Wasn't perfect? [LAUGHS.]
We got chicken pox 11 times in one year.
Yeah, and Don Mattingly visited us in the hospital.
In his next game, he drew a walk, - just like I asked him to.
- Look, Mom's been disappointing me my entire life.
I don't want her doing the same thing to Michael.
Also, there's a slight possibility that she doesn't - know about him yet.
- About him living here.
About him living period.
What? You can't keep keeping Michael a secret.
Look, I'm going to tell her eventually.
But Gayle never liked admitting she was a mom.
How do you think she's gonna like being a grandmother? Okay, but you don't talk to her as much as I do.
Marrying Gene has really mellowed her out.
[SCOFFS.]
Poor Gene.
As if escaping Tiananmen Square and running five DSW shoe stores wasn't stressful enough.
Now he's gotta clean up after Hurricane Gayle.
He's got her down to a tropical storm at most.
Look, Mom always took it easy on you.
And I'm not ready to introduce her to Michael.
All right, I promise she's changed.
At least shoot her an email.
It's MarriedNotBuried45@aol.
com.
Well, it doesn't sound great when I say it out loud.
Hey, boss.
We need to redo the Champions website.
- We have a website? - Yes.
Uncle Bud designed it 20 years ago to earn back the money he lost on Beanie Babies.
Okay, look, anyone can point out problems.
Bees are dying.
What I need are solutions.
- Doctors for bugs.
- I'll build the site.
Maybe could post info about my upcoming show.
HIMPROV: Improv for the Fellas.
Or my boyfriend Asher could do it.
He's really good with computers.
He even designed ours to warn him - when I'm on my way home.
- Mm-hmm.
- So that he can start dinner.
- Okay, guys, if this is as important as you say it is, I need a digital native.
Someone who's a genius at web design who will also work for free.
Michael, I need you to Zuckerberg our website.
And redesigning it would look pretty good on a college application.
Especially since the only science class offered at your school is on-stage chemistry.
I'm way too talented to go to college.
But I'll do it.
If you introduce me to Gayle.
- A little quid GoPro.
- [SIGHS.]
- That's really what you want.
- Look, I made my decision.
Deliver me Gayle and I'll deliver you the biggest Internet sensation since Buzzfeed.
13 GIFs That Show Michael's Reaction to Meeting His Grandmother.
[GASPING.]
You're gonna do all 13.
I mean, I have them.
"Dear Mom, long time, no email.
"Remember when you bailed on my First Communion "because your nose job hadn't set yet? "I do!" Exclamation point.
[SIGHS.]
Look, this this isn't working.
Hey, what if I tell Michael there was a sudden illness - and I bring him an urn.
- No.
All right, you're doing great.
You didn't even swear in this draft.
But hey, if you're struggling.
What if I just [EXHALES.]
I don't know, you know, like, set up a lunch at 1:45 tomorrow where you can tell her about him in person? - So you already set this lunch up.
- No.
Absolutely not.
Gene set up the lunch.
I had suggested dinner and a show and ice cream.
[SIGHS.]
Ugh! Okay, fine! Lunch.
Yes! This is gonna be so great! But I am vetting her before she meets Michael, okay? I don't need her dashing his hopes, too.
He's still upset we're not going to the Cannes Film Festival this year.
Okay.
When was the last time you even saw Mom? Four years ago.
On Tinder.
I had to throw away my phone.
[SHUDDERS.]
All right, everybody, we're all aware, ns I'm sure this gym's website is even more outdated - than Dana's butterfly sleeves.
- What do you mean? I think I look like Stevie Nicks.
Hey, whoa, whoa.
I made that website, all right? You don't mess with a classic, huh? Like, why make another season of "Big Little Lies"? The story's complete, Celeste got away.
Maybe each week the new site can profile a different instructor.
'Cause right now, when you Google Shabaz Cole, the only result that comes up is "Actor Dragged Off Airplane" for Hijacking Seatbelt Demonstration".
Guys, I promised Vince this website would break the Internet.
Or at the very least, our Internet.
So let's have some ideas, please.
Oh! I have so got it.
People love animals.
That's your entire idea? Animals? And that's just off the top of my head.
Okay, I know I didn't specify, but let's have some good ideas.
It seems like there are only two things people wanna know about a gym.
Are they gonna get ripped? And how sweet is the eye candy? Unfortunately, the answers are "no" and "not very.
" That's not true.
I have a client, Denise, who's lost, like, 80 pounds.
But to return to my animals idea Oh! We can do before and after photos.
Like that time I gained 100 pounds to play Garfield - at a birthday party.
- Yes! And we have Denise do a testimonial video on how Champions saved her life.
Now, Britney, take me to my star.
There she is.
But just so you know, her personality's bad.
Please, I love difficult women.
The theme for my 10th birthday was Kim Cattrall.
[LAUGHS.]
She tried to get it shut down.
Excuse me, Denise.
My name is Michael Patel and it was brought to my attention that you Live in a PT Cruiser in the alley.
- It's not mine.
- No, I was actually told that you lost a lot of weight at our gym.
Would you be willing to talk about your transformation - for an Internet video? - For serious? - And I could go by Denise? - Is that not your name? Legally, I changed it to Pizza Hut for a radio contest - that I almost won.
- Okay.
Well, then, welcome aboard, Ms.
Hut.
See? Mom's car's still parked out front.
She didn't bail to do something more fun.
- That's growth.
- Yeah, or she took a cab to the airport.
It's spring break somewhere.
Look, just please, be on my side in there.
- Ohh.
- Oh, my God! Mom! - What happened? - Oh, it's you.
I thought it was that cop I rear-ended.
Matthew, you look wonderful, my handsome little angel.
- Ohh, if I weren't your mother.
- Mom! Stop.
You're embarrassing me in front of my friend.
Yes, Vincent.
- It's been too long.
- What's happening? You look fit.
What's your secret? Uh, I don't know.
Eat right.
There's this thing called X-Fit Blah-ba-da-blah-ba-da-blah-blah-blah.
I was hoping for something a little easier.
I guess I'll just stick to only eating seeds.
You never see a fat bird.
Vince, tell Mom she doesn't need to eat seeds.
She's hotter than a bird.
You look good, Mom.
That's a nice woman shirt.
Thank you.
It was a present last year from Gene for my 45th birthday.
45th.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm 33 And what a special age that is.
[LAUGHS.]
So, should we head inside? Yes.
The chardonnay is getting warm.
[LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
So Denise, thank you again for coming in and doing this.
Is there something I can get you to drink.
- Like, coffee, tea - If it's not too much trouble, I'll take a margarita and a pulled pork sandwich.
[WHISPERING.]
Go.
Uh, I can get you a water bottle or Dana's old cottage cheese.
Gross.
Just the cottage cheese.
Okay, so let's begin.
Who is Denise? What is Denise? Okay, well, I was born in America, back when it was still America.
I hate Obamacare but I love the Affordable Care Act.
And if I can bring one thing to a desert island, it'd be a Cheesecake Factory.
Next question.
Interesting.
Interesting.
Maybe we can just try and talk about your brave weight loss journey.
Well, really, what it all comes down to is what I call CHD.
What what is that, like Coffee, Hostess cupcakes and taking a lot of dumps.
Okay, maybe one way we can rephrase that is everything in moderation.
There was nothing modern about it.
Hella coffee, hella Hostess, hella dumps.
CHD.
TV just one second.
Denise is a disaster.
She's making me question my love of diva behavior.
Wait do I not like Mariah Carey? Look, Michael, I'm not usually a new agey or horoscopeo kind of guy, but I think maybe the universe is trying to tell you to bag it and leave the old website as it is.
I can't bag it.
I promised Vince I'd do a good job.
And my word is my honor.
Unless I have to backstab you to get ahead.
Well, though I like to think people follow me for my thoughts on issues like gun control great arguments on both sides it's probably because of how I look.
That's it! Britney, you should give her a makeover.
You know, balayage, contouring, new teeth.
I'm talking "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" person edition.
You got it.
Back to work.
Mmm, Gene, this Chuanbei liangfen is to die for.
Are you sure you're in the right business? [LAUGHS.]
Yes, I am.
The footwear industry has been very kind to me.
As I like to say [SPEAKING MANDARIN.]
[SPEAKING MANDARIN.]
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Hey, you know, it's rude when you - talk Mandarin to each other.
- Well, I don't mind.
It's like a little vacation where I don't have to pay attention.
- [SIGHS.]
- Anyway, I'm glad you reached out.
- I was gonna do the same.
- Oh, yeah? You were gonna contact me? What, do you need another kidney? - [KICKS UNDER TABLE.]
- Ow! Uh, no.
We wanted to talk to you about managing my new shoe store location in Secaucus.
It's the Albany of New Jersey! It's a great location.
The store used to be a strip club.
Uh, I have a job.
Running Champions.
Perhaps you remember it from when the door hit you on the way out? See, Gayle.
I told you he wouldn't wanna do it.
It's not glamorous enough for him.
I only see shoes in a box.
- But he sees them in action.
- Yeah.
Okay.
I was just trying to be a good mom.
I thought you might wanna start wearing ties with your polo shirts, now that you have people looking up to you.
Oh, I don't care what he wears.
[CHUCKLES.]
I was talking about his son.
You know about Michael? Well, I suspected something was up when Matthew posted on Facebook about coming out as an uncle.
Okay, so then you you knew you had a grandson and you just didn't reach out.
- Why? - Spare me the guilt trip.
You didn't tell me I was a gra Gra [TAPS TABLE.]
That you had a son for 15 years.
Okay, okay.
Lots of emotions flying around here.
Some negative, some positive.
Food's good.
So let's focus on what brought us together.
A trap.
I'm leaving.
Thanks for nothing, Mom! - And thanks for lunch, Gene.
- Yeah.
- [SIGHS.]
- [SPEAKING MANDARIN.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Presenting, the new face of Champions.
Excuse me, mamacita, we're expecting a dowdy loser to come through here, so can you please - not block the door? - Oh, sure, my bad.
No, no, Ruby.
This is Denise.
You're Denise? More like De-noice.
No, it's just Denise.
Or Pizza Hut.
I knew going there was a bad idea.
Not only did Mom know about Michael, but now I will always associate Chinese food with the taste of betrayal.
Yeah, well, maybe Mom feels betrayed, too.
I was devastated you kept Michael a secret for 15 years.
The longest I've ever kept a secret from you was one day.
That's a lie.
It was one second, just now! Okay, how are you still taking Mom's side? I'm your brother.
I pay your cell phone bill.
I hold your hand at scary movies.
- I'm scared, too, you know.
- Sir, you are only allowed to be this loud on the subway if you're doing a choreographed dance with friends.
Sorry, Officer.
But, uh, just out of curiosity, what's the fine for being a mama's boy? Same as for being a tattletale.
Now what's it gonna be? You gonna behave, or you gonna dance? - Dance! - Behave.
Behave.
Behave.
Michael, I have terrible news.
You joined the assistants union? Worse.
Denise is a no-show.
I texted the number she gave me, but it's an alt-right resist bot.
She's gone? W-where? She can't leave New York for parole reasons.
Women! Right? Uh - What did you do, Ruby? - Huh? Me? Denise could've gone on a date with anyone last night.
The UPS lady me.
The UPS lady is gay? But I bought her so much jewelry.
So Denise isn't here because you had a bad date? No, it was great physically.
Mentally, it was a nightmare.
I had to cannon ball off of the Staten Island Ferry - to get away from her.
- Great.
My website is ruined.
I don't see what the big deal is.
All right, the old site still works as long as we open it with Netscape Navigator.
Okay, the big deal is I made Vince reconnect with his mom for this.
I haven't messed up his life this bad since my conception.
Vince is talking to Gayle again? That woman is some piece of work.
I called her ma'am one time, my jaw still clicks.
I I promised Vince a website.
And instead, I lead him into the web of a black widow.
Shabaz, write that down, it's good.
I'll be in my trailer.
He has a trailer? Okay, so for copyright reasons, we can't offer Crossfit, but we do have something called X-Fit.
Check it out.
I invented it and, uh [LAUGHS.]
I'm good.
Okay.
[SIGHS.]
What are you doing here? Well, you left this yesterday when you stormed out - like a baby.
- Babies can't storm, Gayle.
I'm tired of fighting.
I spent all night thinking about what you said and you're right.
I should've reached out when I learned you had a son.
I'm sorry.
You're apologizing.
To me? Are you okay? Do you have a brain tumor? Has it been affecting your personality for the last 30 years? Don't get cute, Vincent.
That's your brother's job.
The truth of the matter is that now that I am approaching [STRAINS.]
early middle age, I can admit I wasn't a very good mother.
Maybe I can be a better grandmother.
Are you asking to meet Michael? Don't toy with me, girl.
Yes.
Buy please have him call me Gayle.
I'm too young to be Grandma.
And I'm not gonna call him Michael.
It's too close to Matthew.
It's confusing.
Hey, that's not my fault.
I wanted you to name him Kirk.
Kirk Cook? It sounds like you're clearing your throat.
Mom, be cool! You were finally getting along.
All right.
How about if I come by tomorrow? - Yes! - Sounds good.
All right, Mom's gonna be here soon.
Did you hide the Obama poster? I put a mustache on it.
She'll think it's Steve Harvey.
Hey, Vince, this really means a lot.
I'm sorry I couldn't hold up my end of the deal.
But if it's any consolation, it's all Ruby's fault.
Hey, I was out of your life for 15 years.
- We good.
- [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
All right, that's her.
How do I look? Uh, let's see.
Weird hair, messed up cheek bones, huge Adam's apple, long torso, patchy eyebrows the usual.
Hello! Gene.
So you're just an automatic invite to all family things now.
That's cool, I guess.
Oh, hello.
You must be Michael.
I'm Gene Yu.
I'm your step-grandfather.
And where is the lady of the hour? [GASPS.]
Oh, is she going to make a grand entrance? I already love her.
- What song should I queue? - Unfortunately, Gayle will not be dining with us this afternoon.
She was very excited to come.
But got too tired after all her injectables.
But why? If she looked any younger, she'd be a baby.
Matthew, it's not the injectables, all right? Gayle couldn't face the fact that she's a grandma, so she bailed.
Right? Just like she bailed on Dad's funeral and my ninth birthday.
Chuck E.
Cheese had to drive me home.
- Oh.
- God, I can't believe I ever blamed you, Vince.
It was Mom's fault the whole time.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go update our status to complicated.
I understand why you're angry, but your mother got married very young and didn't have many options.
And learning that she has a grandson just reminded her of all the things that she hasn't accomplished.
Huh.
I hadn't thought of that.
Too bad she couldn't tell me that in person.
My point is, though she wasn't meant to be a parent, clearly, you and Matthew are.
They haven't killed me yet.
Okay, I have to go.
I have to pick up Gayle.
She hopped out of the car three blocks away.
Oh, and Gene, I'm always here whenever Grandma feels ready to kiss the ring.
Yes.
Though she prefers Gayle.
Oh, does she? Sorry, Gene.
I did that for effect.
You seem really nice.
I understand.
Bye.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, I, uh, saw the picture you posted of Mom with no makeup on Facebook.
- Bold.
- Yeah, I felt so bad I instantly commented, "Hubba, hubba.
" I'm just too good at seeing the best in people.
Did you know Vladimir Putin has a dog named Buffy? - I mean, how cute is that? - Hey, being nice is way better than always being mad at people.
I mean, Gene came here to do a decent thing and I'm still like, no gift for Michael? You own a shoe store, son.
You know, for what it's worth, I think that's why I'm more forgiving of Mom than you are.
Well, that and she always called me her flawless angel too perfect to look at.
And my nickname was "Not now, Vincent.
" - I know.
- Still, man, whenever Mom bailed on us, I never really noticed because you were always there for me.
Just you, my teddy bear Vince and my imaginary friend, - Vince the teddy bear.
- Right, what you're saying is that in a twisted way, we have her to thank for making us so close.
[LAUGHS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hey, hey, what's everyone doing here? That homeless guy, he's posing as a trainer again.
We finished the website for Michael.
Most of our audience will be wondering where the animals are,.
but it's fine.
Champions has finally entered the 21st century.
Ah the 20th century.
How'd you get Pizza Hut back? Who? Wait, what is happening? What's happening is I finally got a legit movie credit, all right? "Special thanks to.
" So now the world will know Shabaz has gone showbiz! Also, Uncle Bud got Ruby to keep dating Denise or whatever.
Who cares? It's stupid I did the most important thing.
[LAUGHS.]
No one has clarified anything.
Just watch the movie and after that, the only question you'll have is, "Can we play it again?" And the answer is no, the system is still glitchy.
Hi, I'm Denise and joining Champions is the best decision I ever made.
I lost 80 pounds, thanks to their state-of-the-art facility and a little something I like to call CHD.
What's CHD, you ask? [DINGING.]
And using these three steps, I transformed myself from a worm into the beautiful butterfly that I am today.
In fact, Champions hasn't just given me a new body.
It's given me a new partner.
Uh uh, hey.
Ruby, I know I've only been living at your place - for a few days - Feels like forever.
But would you do me the honor of assuming half of my many debts? What the [DING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Awesome, dude! You are a good director.
My little Michael Bay.
Uh, my name is Michael and I am bae, but how dare you? Also, thank you.
Though, honestly, these guys did most of the work.
And special shout out to Uncle Bud.
It's nice to know that there are some old people that can be relied on.
I saw what it meant to you, Michael.
And it felt good.
I never had children myself.
In fact, that old website's the only thing I ever made that I thought would outlive me.
- Jeez.
- Well, if you're interested, I think I know another way you can help me out.
So there I was, surrounded by Viet Cong.
Hundreds of miles behind enemy lines.
My company assumed I was dead.
Little did they know that I was bartending at a strip joint in Hanoi.
Man, did those girls teach me a lot.
Now, I say girls, but
Hey, look who's home.
Hey, how was school? How dare you! What is it now? My shirt? My tighty whities? The fact that I still get DVDs from Netflix? Uh, all of the above and you've never introduced me to my grandparents.
Well, you barely like me, so why would you wanna meet the people that made me? Because I have to do a monologue on a grandparent for history class, and Mr.
Jones is going on paternity leave for eight months.
So it's 100% of our grade.
Oh, just do it on your mom's parents, Sandeep and Aruna.
They were a Neilson family one year.
And they got "Smash" canceled.
We're not currently on speaking terms.
Well, you are in luck.
Our father Jimmy Cook was fascinating.
He was the first guy in our neighborhood to eat a taco.
Yeah, it wasn't for him, but he tried it.
A taco? Parvati's grandmother was the first Indian woman to climb Mount Everest.
They're making a movie about her starring Emma Stone.
What about your mom, Gayle? Uhh, I will introduce you to anyone else in our family.
Our cousin Abby-she's a millionaire from a Bill O'Reilly settlement.
Look, I just don't think it's a good idea for you to meet Gayle.
Yeah, you're right.
It is a wonderful idea.
Back when mom was 17, she was crowned.
Miss Black Irish Brooklyn.
Her talent was bikini trampoline.
Oh, she looks amazing.
But will she still like me? She missed me at my cutest.
Now I'm just hunky.
Okay, I'm sorry, but Gayle and I don't speak.
- She's toxic.
- Don't speak? Toxic? So far, you're just listing amazing female anthems.
- Now I have to meet her.
- No! Okay, your grandmother is a dangerous woman.
Oops, I did it again.
Ugh! - Well, I'm off.
Guess I have no choice but to write my monologue on Jimmy Cook's - battle with rosacea.
- Heroic battle.
It was everywhere.
He looked like a Craisin.
I know Mom wasn't perfect.
Wasn't perfect? [LAUGHS.]
We got chicken pox 11 times in one year.
Yeah, and Don Mattingly visited us in the hospital.
In his next game, he drew a walk, - just like I asked him to.
- Look, Mom's been disappointing me my entire life.
I don't want her doing the same thing to Michael.
Also, there's a slight possibility that she doesn't - know about him yet.
- About him living here.
About him living period.
What? You can't keep keeping Michael a secret.
Look, I'm going to tell her eventually.
But Gayle never liked admitting she was a mom.
How do you think she's gonna like being a grandmother? Okay, but you don't talk to her as much as I do.
Marrying Gene has really mellowed her out.
[SCOFFS.]
Poor Gene.
As if escaping Tiananmen Square and running five DSW shoe stores wasn't stressful enough.
Now he's gotta clean up after Hurricane Gayle.
He's got her down to a tropical storm at most.
Look, Mom always took it easy on you.
And I'm not ready to introduce her to Michael.
All right, I promise she's changed.
At least shoot her an email.
It's MarriedNotBuried45@aol.
com.
Well, it doesn't sound great when I say it out loud.
Hey, boss.
We need to redo the Champions website.
- We have a website? - Yes.
Uncle Bud designed it 20 years ago to earn back the money he lost on Beanie Babies.
Okay, look, anyone can point out problems.
Bees are dying.
What I need are solutions.
- Doctors for bugs.
- I'll build the site.
Maybe could post info about my upcoming show.
HIMPROV: Improv for the Fellas.
Or my boyfriend Asher could do it.
He's really good with computers.
He even designed ours to warn him - when I'm on my way home.
- Mm-hmm.
- So that he can start dinner.
- Okay, guys, if this is as important as you say it is, I need a digital native.
Someone who's a genius at web design who will also work for free.
Michael, I need you to Zuckerberg our website.
And redesigning it would look pretty good on a college application.
Especially since the only science class offered at your school is on-stage chemistry.
I'm way too talented to go to college.
But I'll do it.
If you introduce me to Gayle.
- A little quid GoPro.
- [SIGHS.]
- That's really what you want.
- Look, I made my decision.
Deliver me Gayle and I'll deliver you the biggest Internet sensation since Buzzfeed.
13 GIFs That Show Michael's Reaction to Meeting His Grandmother.
[GASPING.]
You're gonna do all 13.
I mean, I have them.
"Dear Mom, long time, no email.
"Remember when you bailed on my First Communion "because your nose job hadn't set yet? "I do!" Exclamation point.
[SIGHS.]
Look, this this isn't working.
Hey, what if I tell Michael there was a sudden illness - and I bring him an urn.
- No.
All right, you're doing great.
You didn't even swear in this draft.
But hey, if you're struggling.
What if I just [EXHALES.]
I don't know, you know, like, set up a lunch at 1:45 tomorrow where you can tell her about him in person? - So you already set this lunch up.
- No.
Absolutely not.
Gene set up the lunch.
I had suggested dinner and a show and ice cream.
[SIGHS.]
Ugh! Okay, fine! Lunch.
Yes! This is gonna be so great! But I am vetting her before she meets Michael, okay? I don't need her dashing his hopes, too.
He's still upset we're not going to the Cannes Film Festival this year.
Okay.
When was the last time you even saw Mom? Four years ago.
On Tinder.
I had to throw away my phone.
[SHUDDERS.]
All right, everybody, we're all aware, ns I'm sure this gym's website is even more outdated - than Dana's butterfly sleeves.
- What do you mean? I think I look like Stevie Nicks.
Hey, whoa, whoa.
I made that website, all right? You don't mess with a classic, huh? Like, why make another season of "Big Little Lies"? The story's complete, Celeste got away.
Maybe each week the new site can profile a different instructor.
'Cause right now, when you Google Shabaz Cole, the only result that comes up is "Actor Dragged Off Airplane" for Hijacking Seatbelt Demonstration".
Guys, I promised Vince this website would break the Internet.
Or at the very least, our Internet.
So let's have some ideas, please.
Oh! I have so got it.
People love animals.
That's your entire idea? Animals? And that's just off the top of my head.
Okay, I know I didn't specify, but let's have some good ideas.
It seems like there are only two things people wanna know about a gym.
Are they gonna get ripped? And how sweet is the eye candy? Unfortunately, the answers are "no" and "not very.
" That's not true.
I have a client, Denise, who's lost, like, 80 pounds.
But to return to my animals idea Oh! We can do before and after photos.
Like that time I gained 100 pounds to play Garfield - at a birthday party.
- Yes! And we have Denise do a testimonial video on how Champions saved her life.
Now, Britney, take me to my star.
There she is.
But just so you know, her personality's bad.
Please, I love difficult women.
The theme for my 10th birthday was Kim Cattrall.
[LAUGHS.]
She tried to get it shut down.
Excuse me, Denise.
My name is Michael Patel and it was brought to my attention that you Live in a PT Cruiser in the alley.
- It's not mine.
- No, I was actually told that you lost a lot of weight at our gym.
Would you be willing to talk about your transformation - for an Internet video? - For serious? - And I could go by Denise? - Is that not your name? Legally, I changed it to Pizza Hut for a radio contest - that I almost won.
- Okay.
Well, then, welcome aboard, Ms.
Hut.
See? Mom's car's still parked out front.
She didn't bail to do something more fun.
- That's growth.
- Yeah, or she took a cab to the airport.
It's spring break somewhere.
Look, just please, be on my side in there.
- Ohh.
- Oh, my God! Mom! - What happened? - Oh, it's you.
I thought it was that cop I rear-ended.
Matthew, you look wonderful, my handsome little angel.
- Ohh, if I weren't your mother.
- Mom! Stop.
You're embarrassing me in front of my friend.
Yes, Vincent.
- It's been too long.
- What's happening? You look fit.
What's your secret? Uh, I don't know.
Eat right.
There's this thing called X-Fit Blah-ba-da-blah-ba-da-blah-blah-blah.
I was hoping for something a little easier.
I guess I'll just stick to only eating seeds.
You never see a fat bird.
Vince, tell Mom she doesn't need to eat seeds.
She's hotter than a bird.
You look good, Mom.
That's a nice woman shirt.
Thank you.
It was a present last year from Gene for my 45th birthday.
45th.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm 33 And what a special age that is.
[LAUGHS.]
So, should we head inside? Yes.
The chardonnay is getting warm.
[LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
So Denise, thank you again for coming in and doing this.
Is there something I can get you to drink.
- Like, coffee, tea - If it's not too much trouble, I'll take a margarita and a pulled pork sandwich.
[WHISPERING.]
Go.
Uh, I can get you a water bottle or Dana's old cottage cheese.
Gross.
Just the cottage cheese.
Okay, so let's begin.
Who is Denise? What is Denise? Okay, well, I was born in America, back when it was still America.
I hate Obamacare but I love the Affordable Care Act.
And if I can bring one thing to a desert island, it'd be a Cheesecake Factory.
Next question.
Interesting.
Interesting.
Maybe we can just try and talk about your brave weight loss journey.
Well, really, what it all comes down to is what I call CHD.
What what is that, like Coffee, Hostess cupcakes and taking a lot of dumps.
Okay, maybe one way we can rephrase that is everything in moderation.
There was nothing modern about it.
Hella coffee, hella Hostess, hella dumps.
CHD.
TV just one second.
Denise is a disaster.
She's making me question my love of diva behavior.
Wait do I not like Mariah Carey? Look, Michael, I'm not usually a new agey or horoscopeo kind of guy, but I think maybe the universe is trying to tell you to bag it and leave the old website as it is.
I can't bag it.
I promised Vince I'd do a good job.
And my word is my honor.
Unless I have to backstab you to get ahead.
Well, though I like to think people follow me for my thoughts on issues like gun control great arguments on both sides it's probably because of how I look.
That's it! Britney, you should give her a makeover.
You know, balayage, contouring, new teeth.
I'm talking "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" person edition.
You got it.
Back to work.
Mmm, Gene, this Chuanbei liangfen is to die for.
Are you sure you're in the right business? [LAUGHS.]
Yes, I am.
The footwear industry has been very kind to me.
As I like to say [SPEAKING MANDARIN.]
[SPEAKING MANDARIN.]
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Hey, you know, it's rude when you - talk Mandarin to each other.
- Well, I don't mind.
It's like a little vacation where I don't have to pay attention.
- [SIGHS.]
- Anyway, I'm glad you reached out.
- I was gonna do the same.
- Oh, yeah? You were gonna contact me? What, do you need another kidney? - [KICKS UNDER TABLE.]
- Ow! Uh, no.
We wanted to talk to you about managing my new shoe store location in Secaucus.
It's the Albany of New Jersey! It's a great location.
The store used to be a strip club.
Uh, I have a job.
Running Champions.
Perhaps you remember it from when the door hit you on the way out? See, Gayle.
I told you he wouldn't wanna do it.
It's not glamorous enough for him.
I only see shoes in a box.
- But he sees them in action.
- Yeah.
Okay.
I was just trying to be a good mom.
I thought you might wanna start wearing ties with your polo shirts, now that you have people looking up to you.
Oh, I don't care what he wears.
[CHUCKLES.]
I was talking about his son.
You know about Michael? Well, I suspected something was up when Matthew posted on Facebook about coming out as an uncle.
Okay, so then you you knew you had a grandson and you just didn't reach out.
- Why? - Spare me the guilt trip.
You didn't tell me I was a gra Gra [TAPS TABLE.]
That you had a son for 15 years.
Okay, okay.
Lots of emotions flying around here.
Some negative, some positive.
Food's good.
So let's focus on what brought us together.
A trap.
I'm leaving.
Thanks for nothing, Mom! - And thanks for lunch, Gene.
- Yeah.
- [SIGHS.]
- [SPEAKING MANDARIN.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Presenting, the new face of Champions.
Excuse me, mamacita, we're expecting a dowdy loser to come through here, so can you please - not block the door? - Oh, sure, my bad.
No, no, Ruby.
This is Denise.
You're Denise? More like De-noice.
No, it's just Denise.
Or Pizza Hut.
I knew going there was a bad idea.
Not only did Mom know about Michael, but now I will always associate Chinese food with the taste of betrayal.
Yeah, well, maybe Mom feels betrayed, too.
I was devastated you kept Michael a secret for 15 years.
The longest I've ever kept a secret from you was one day.
That's a lie.
It was one second, just now! Okay, how are you still taking Mom's side? I'm your brother.
I pay your cell phone bill.
I hold your hand at scary movies.
- I'm scared, too, you know.
- Sir, you are only allowed to be this loud on the subway if you're doing a choreographed dance with friends.
Sorry, Officer.
But, uh, just out of curiosity, what's the fine for being a mama's boy? Same as for being a tattletale.
Now what's it gonna be? You gonna behave, or you gonna dance? - Dance! - Behave.
Behave.
Behave.
Michael, I have terrible news.
You joined the assistants union? Worse.
Denise is a no-show.
I texted the number she gave me, but it's an alt-right resist bot.
She's gone? W-where? She can't leave New York for parole reasons.
Women! Right? Uh - What did you do, Ruby? - Huh? Me? Denise could've gone on a date with anyone last night.
The UPS lady me.
The UPS lady is gay? But I bought her so much jewelry.
So Denise isn't here because you had a bad date? No, it was great physically.
Mentally, it was a nightmare.
I had to cannon ball off of the Staten Island Ferry - to get away from her.
- Great.
My website is ruined.
I don't see what the big deal is.
All right, the old site still works as long as we open it with Netscape Navigator.
Okay, the big deal is I made Vince reconnect with his mom for this.
I haven't messed up his life this bad since my conception.
Vince is talking to Gayle again? That woman is some piece of work.
I called her ma'am one time, my jaw still clicks.
I I promised Vince a website.
And instead, I lead him into the web of a black widow.
Shabaz, write that down, it's good.
I'll be in my trailer.
He has a trailer? Okay, so for copyright reasons, we can't offer Crossfit, but we do have something called X-Fit.
Check it out.
I invented it and, uh [LAUGHS.]
I'm good.
Okay.
[SIGHS.]
What are you doing here? Well, you left this yesterday when you stormed out - like a baby.
- Babies can't storm, Gayle.
I'm tired of fighting.
I spent all night thinking about what you said and you're right.
I should've reached out when I learned you had a son.
I'm sorry.
You're apologizing.
To me? Are you okay? Do you have a brain tumor? Has it been affecting your personality for the last 30 years? Don't get cute, Vincent.
That's your brother's job.
The truth of the matter is that now that I am approaching [STRAINS.]
early middle age, I can admit I wasn't a very good mother.
Maybe I can be a better grandmother.
Are you asking to meet Michael? Don't toy with me, girl.
Yes.
Buy please have him call me Gayle.
I'm too young to be Grandma.
And I'm not gonna call him Michael.
It's too close to Matthew.
It's confusing.
Hey, that's not my fault.
I wanted you to name him Kirk.
Kirk Cook? It sounds like you're clearing your throat.
Mom, be cool! You were finally getting along.
All right.
How about if I come by tomorrow? - Yes! - Sounds good.
All right, Mom's gonna be here soon.
Did you hide the Obama poster? I put a mustache on it.
She'll think it's Steve Harvey.
Hey, Vince, this really means a lot.
I'm sorry I couldn't hold up my end of the deal.
But if it's any consolation, it's all Ruby's fault.
Hey, I was out of your life for 15 years.
- We good.
- [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
All right, that's her.
How do I look? Uh, let's see.
Weird hair, messed up cheek bones, huge Adam's apple, long torso, patchy eyebrows the usual.
Hello! Gene.
So you're just an automatic invite to all family things now.
That's cool, I guess.
Oh, hello.
You must be Michael.
I'm Gene Yu.
I'm your step-grandfather.
And where is the lady of the hour? [GASPS.]
Oh, is she going to make a grand entrance? I already love her.
- What song should I queue? - Unfortunately, Gayle will not be dining with us this afternoon.
She was very excited to come.
But got too tired after all her injectables.
But why? If she looked any younger, she'd be a baby.
Matthew, it's not the injectables, all right? Gayle couldn't face the fact that she's a grandma, so she bailed.
Right? Just like she bailed on Dad's funeral and my ninth birthday.
Chuck E.
Cheese had to drive me home.
- Oh.
- God, I can't believe I ever blamed you, Vince.
It was Mom's fault the whole time.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go update our status to complicated.
I understand why you're angry, but your mother got married very young and didn't have many options.
And learning that she has a grandson just reminded her of all the things that she hasn't accomplished.
Huh.
I hadn't thought of that.
Too bad she couldn't tell me that in person.
My point is, though she wasn't meant to be a parent, clearly, you and Matthew are.
They haven't killed me yet.
Okay, I have to go.
I have to pick up Gayle.
She hopped out of the car three blocks away.
Oh, and Gene, I'm always here whenever Grandma feels ready to kiss the ring.
Yes.
Though she prefers Gayle.
Oh, does she? Sorry, Gene.
I did that for effect.
You seem really nice.
I understand.
Bye.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, I, uh, saw the picture you posted of Mom with no makeup on Facebook.
- Bold.
- Yeah, I felt so bad I instantly commented, "Hubba, hubba.
" I'm just too good at seeing the best in people.
Did you know Vladimir Putin has a dog named Buffy? - I mean, how cute is that? - Hey, being nice is way better than always being mad at people.
I mean, Gene came here to do a decent thing and I'm still like, no gift for Michael? You own a shoe store, son.
You know, for what it's worth, I think that's why I'm more forgiving of Mom than you are.
Well, that and she always called me her flawless angel too perfect to look at.
And my nickname was "Not now, Vincent.
" - I know.
- Still, man, whenever Mom bailed on us, I never really noticed because you were always there for me.
Just you, my teddy bear Vince and my imaginary friend, - Vince the teddy bear.
- Right, what you're saying is that in a twisted way, we have her to thank for making us so close.
[LAUGHS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hey, hey, what's everyone doing here? That homeless guy, he's posing as a trainer again.
We finished the website for Michael.
Most of our audience will be wondering where the animals are,.
but it's fine.
Champions has finally entered the 21st century.
Ah the 20th century.
How'd you get Pizza Hut back? Who? Wait, what is happening? What's happening is I finally got a legit movie credit, all right? "Special thanks to.
" So now the world will know Shabaz has gone showbiz! Also, Uncle Bud got Ruby to keep dating Denise or whatever.
Who cares? It's stupid I did the most important thing.
[LAUGHS.]
No one has clarified anything.
Just watch the movie and after that, the only question you'll have is, "Can we play it again?" And the answer is no, the system is still glitchy.
Hi, I'm Denise and joining Champions is the best decision I ever made.
I lost 80 pounds, thanks to their state-of-the-art facility and a little something I like to call CHD.
What's CHD, you ask? [DINGING.]
And using these three steps, I transformed myself from a worm into the beautiful butterfly that I am today.
In fact, Champions hasn't just given me a new body.
It's given me a new partner.
Uh uh, hey.
Ruby, I know I've only been living at your place - for a few days - Feels like forever.
But would you do me the honor of assuming half of my many debts? What the [DING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Awesome, dude! You are a good director.
My little Michael Bay.
Uh, my name is Michael and I am bae, but how dare you? Also, thank you.
Though, honestly, these guys did most of the work.
And special shout out to Uncle Bud.
It's nice to know that there are some old people that can be relied on.
I saw what it meant to you, Michael.
And it felt good.
I never had children myself.
In fact, that old website's the only thing I ever made that I thought would outlive me.
- Jeez.
- Well, if you're interested, I think I know another way you can help me out.
So there I was, surrounded by Viet Cong.
Hundreds of miles behind enemy lines.
My company assumed I was dead.
Little did they know that I was bartending at a strip joint in Hanoi.
Man, did those girls teach me a lot.
Now, I say girls, but