Changing Ends (2023) s01e06 Episode Script

1
Dare I say it, but there was an
air of optimism in Northampton.
The Cobblers had had a
string of good results,
and we'd even reached the
quarter-finals of the Milk Cup.
Alan?
'Ey, great result on Saturday.
That Richard Hill
header was cracking.
The Cobblers doing well had
crossed one item off the list
of things to bully
Alan Carr for.
All I needed was veneers,
laser eye surgery
and conversion therapy,
and you could scrap
the list altogether.
But let's not run
before we can mince.
Can you tell your
dad I said hello?
Will do.
Cobblers! Yeah!
Yeah
ADULT ALAN: 'Even the County Ground
was looking less death-trappy.'
Well, I'd like to
thank the builders
for the work they've been doing
and the work that they are doing,
and I'd like to thank the rest
of you for supporting me on this.
The only way is up.
APPLAUSE
There you go,
Graham. Gift for you.
State-of-the-art
Mitsubishi Roamer.
Jacqueline's got one.
Had a conversation with her
the other day on the toilet.
Crystal clear.
Thank you, Ron.
I have to hand it to you, Graham.
You've turned things round.
There were many times this season
when I thought we were ruined.
"Cobblers are finished.
"What was I thinking,
employing Graham Carr?
"The man's a complete
and utter disaster."
At least we're on
the up now, eh?
That we are.
Always knew you
could do it. Oh!
Thanks.
Animal Farm: The Musical.
It's a wonderful play about
the Russian Revolution,
but sung by farmyard animals.
ADULT ALAN: Maverick, activist,
provocateur, socialist.
Miss Gideon was none of these,
but she still ploughed on
with her crackpot schemes.
OK, then. Yes!
But please keep the
politics to a minimum.
I'll start casting
straightaway. Hmm.
Viva la revolucion!
DOORBELL RINGS
Angela. Bloody hell, you
look like a bar code.
What's the matter?
It's Nigel. He's
having an affair!
Cow. Yes!
Back of cow.
You can be our
sheep. Yes!
Horse. SNORTS
And you, Alan, will be Squealer.
And that leaves you, Kay. Hmm.
I'm getting donkey vibes.
Boxer. Yes!
Miss Gideon?
Yes. There seems to
be some added songs.
And who is Starpig? It's
not in the original text.
Yes, that's me.
I've written myself a bigger part
and self-penned a solo number.
Curtains up, profits down.
It's a damning indictment
of underfunding in the arts
on a recorder.
O K.
OK, listen up, guys.
I wasn't going to tell you this,
but you have twisted my arm.
I have found out we've got
some old casting agents
coming to the
show. CHILDREN GASP
Looking for lots of
new talent and
not-so-new talent.
Wah-wah-wah-wah.
I'm not gonna tell you
where they're from.
Coronation Street!
Coronation Street! ALL GASP
Slipped out.
Naughty Miss Gideon!
So, Animal Farm is the
hottest ticket in town, right?
Tell your mums.
Tell your dads,
grannies, grandads.
If you know anyone in the
industry, let me know,
I will change your part.
Lovely!
SNIFFS
He just doesn't look
at me like he used to.
Well, you have got a cold
sore. It's since before that.
Is it still bad?
Just round the edge.
It's good it's crisping up.
Obviously on its road out.
SNIFFS
We used to make love
morning, noon and night.
Tossed me on the bed, bent
me over the kitchen table.
Oh, Ange, don't
overthink things.
I was bending over, shaving
my legs once, and
well, you can imagine.
Do you want another Viscount?
"Whatever goes on two
legs is an enemy."
Why would you want to
read in your lunch break?
Ugh! Boring!
How's the play going, Alan?
Oh, Val, no-one's
supposed to know.
Oh There's a casting
agent coming to see the play!
What?! I know!
A Coronation Street casting
agent. Can you believe it?
I could be off to
t'Cobbles, Val. T'Cobbles!
Coronation Street? The soap?
Yeah, the casting director's
good friends with Miss Gideon.
Are there any roles
left? I can have a word.
The man in the Arndale asked
to take my photo the other day,
and he said I had star quality.
I'll talk to Miss Gideon.
Could you? Oh, my God.
You do know you'll be
dressed as a farmyard animal?
I don't care. As long as it
gets me out of this dump.
Just think, you could be eating
Betty's hot pot with Alan!
Hopefully it won't have
hairs in it. Like yours.
GASPS Cheeky.
See you later.
DOOR OPENS, CLOSES
Oh, that'll be Graham.
Ange, I really should
be getting on. Oh.
Hello, love. Angela
was just about to
Oh, Graham.
You don't normally see
me like this, do you?
Broken. Vulnerable.
Almost like a little
kitten you just wanna hold.
Angela thinks that Nigel
might be having an affair.
Oh. Who with?
We don't know. We don't even
know for sure that he is, do we?
MOBILE PHONE RINGS Sorry.
It's in my pocket. Thanks.
Yes?
Ron, you don't have to
keep ringing me on this.
Well, thank God there's
not a camera on it. Bye.
Do you think Nigel could
be having an affair?
Yes, he could.
See, I told you!
For God's sake, Graham.
"Could". Of course he
could be having an affair.
The Cobblers could
win the league.
I could come home one day
and not have any drama.
Oh, just take no
notice of him, Ange.
Alan?
Alan, erm what
have you said to Maz?
She keeps talking about being
a star and going to Hollywood.
Oh, I'm gonna get her to
audition for the play.
What do you think
of the costumes?
What do you think?
Very snazzy.
There's still a few parts left,
if you fancy it? You're all right.
Well, tell Maz I'll take
her to audition tomorrow.
Here's the script. Thanks.
Bye, Kay. I'll see you tomorrow.
See you tomorrow, Alan.
What actual proof do you have
that Nigel is having an affair?
All of a sudden, he started
taking more care of himself.
Brushing his teeth, washing,
wearing clean pants.
He never used to do that for me.
Well, it sounds like you need
to have an affair, Angela.
Thanks, Chris. I know I slag
you off behind your back,
but you've been a real friend.
Well, hopefully, it might
make you a bit nicer.
DOOR CLOSES I doubt it.
Oh
How's Kay? Great!
MOUTHS: Girlfriend.
All right, Dad.
You've got to be kidding me.
Show me. What's up with Angela?
Oh, she's just a bit
upset. What's all this?
Oh, it's nothing, it's just
Er, hello?
Oh, it's Wayne Sleep.
He wants his bag back!
We're doing a play.
I'm in a show.
What kind of show? A
theatre show. A musical.
Is he still doing that? I thought we
knocked all that crap on the head.
Graham?
Well, Miss Gideon's
putting on a play.
I'm playing a pig,
Kay's a donkey.
We're a goat down, but Miss
Gideon just says that's showbiz.
If you know anyone
who'd like to play it
Well, if you can
wait till tomorrow,
I can do a shout-out
in the dressing room,
see if any of the lads fancy it.
Graham, try and be supportive.
Mum, will you come to see it?
No. I'm just not a
big fan of musicals.
Are they singing? Are they
talking? Make your mind up.
I've got a match. It's a
Milk Cup quarter-final.
Can't exactly say to Ron,
"Sorry I can't be there, I've got to
watch my son prancing around stage,
"dressed as Miss Piggy."
It's not Miss Piggy,
it's a proper show.
About communism. With songs.
Forget it, the lot of
you. I don't need you.
Why was Mrs Hudson crying?
Oh, her and Charlie's dad
have had a bit of a row.
Nothing to worry about.
Christ, you know what they're like,
that pair. They blow hot and cold.
Next time you see them,
they'll be all lovey-dovey
like nothing ever happened.
ANGELA: Scumbag!
You dirty, lying,
cheating scumbag.
Everyone, our lovely art department
have created these wonderful masks,
so please try them on for size.
Excuse me? I'm here to audition.
Oh.
Sorry, we've only got big
singing parts left, I'm afraid.
I think I'm gonna have to
take them all. But I can sing.
I was singing Whitney Houston,
and my neighbour thought
it was the radio.
OK, well, let's see
what you've got.
Goddess of the mountain top
Shining like a silver flame
The summit of beauty and love
And Venus was her name
She's got it ♪
It's very pitchy.
Yeah, it's a "no"
from me, I'm afraid.
Pitchy? Are you having
a laugh? That was great.
SCOFFS I don't think so.
And if you can't take criticism,
you really shouldn't pursue
a career in the arts.
I think you should tell your
neighbour to stop lying to children.
A-Amazing grace
How sweet the sound ♪
Make it stop, make it stop!
Eurgh!
You're worried I'll
sound better than you.
Those songs are mine. Mine!
ADULT ALAN: Oh, it
looked like jazz hands
would soon be turning
into jazz fists.
Look, why don't you
help out backstage?
We always need people
behind the scenes too,
and, I mean, look, they are just
as important as the actual actors.
I mean, look at, erm
Bob? Ted.
Ted! Ted, lovely Ted.
You could be a stagehand.
Or a stage manager.
OK. Yeah, Miss Gideon.
I'll help out backstage.
Wonderful. I think
you'll feel more at home
out of sight, you know,
behind the curtain.
Mm-hm. Anything I can do to
make the evening more memorable.
What a sweet girl.
Well, thank you.
What shall I do first?
Grab me a Kit Kat, darling, and
those bins could do with a rinse.
Right. Gather round, here we go.
There's your proof. Hm!
Where'd you find 'em? They
were right there on the drive.
And they're
definitely not yours?
"Squealer"?
It's probably not even
her real name. I know.
DOOR OPENS ALAN: I'm home!
All right? All right,
love? All right?
Hello, Angela.
Again.
Oh, er how are
you feeling, Angela?
Devastated.
With a touch of
indigestion thrown in.
We had rehearsals today. Ooh.
Alan's in the drama club.
They're doing a show.
Dad, are you sure you
can't come and see it?
I've told you, Alan, I
can't. I've got a game.
But can't someone just stand in for
you, you know, like an understudy?
It's a quarter-final of
the Milk Cup, it's not
West Side Story.
We're against Swindon.
They're a tough team.
They're on a winning streak.
I mean, if you offered
me penalties right now
Oh, Graham, read the room.
It's two women and Alan.
Nobody's interested.
I'll tell you what, Alan. I'll come.
I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Thanks, Mum.
Angela, why don't you come?
Yeah, Angela. You need cheering
up, and I can't go on my own.
What's it about again?
The Russian Revolution,
set to music.
You must have other
friends, Christine.
Oh, you're gonna love it.
I play a pig called Sq
KNOCK ON WINDOW Angela!
Angela, I am not
having an affair.
I'm only brushing my teeth
because the dentist said I've
got gum disease. Gum disease!
Oh, and I'm supposed to
believe that, am I?! What?
I can't wait to see his face
when I tell him he's sleeping in
the Trust House Forte tonight.
What?!
MUSIC: 'Temptation'
by New Order
ANNOUNCER: 'A chilly night
here at Abington Ave,
'and you join us as
Graham Carr's Cobblers
'face their old rivals Swindon
'for a place in the
semi-finals of the Milk Cup.'
FANS: Shoe Army! Shoe Army!
CHATTER
Hi, Lynette? All right, hon?
Yeah, I've chucked
Nigel out. Oh.
Screwing someone else. I know.
Yeah, I'll give you a
tinkle, fill you in.
What? I hate musicals.
ANNOUNCER: 'And it's kick-off!'
Come on! Push up,
push up, push up.
Go on, lads.
MISS GIDEON: Ladies
and gentlemen,
welcome to Jackie
Gideon's production
of Animal Farm: The Musical,
written, directed and
starring Jackie Gideon.
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
CHEERING
Come on! Come on!
ANNOUNCER: '..on target.
It's 1-0 to the Cobblers!'
Boss? Boss? Come on, lads.
You dropped this, mate. Eh?
Keep your jewels
and your crown
You can't bring us down
Be kind is all I ask
I'm just a woman
Behind a mask ♪
How many songs is
she gonna sing?
Five. And the
showstopper. Her words.
Hee-haw, hee-haw
Knock at the door ♪
But who is this?
Quick, Alan, that's your cue.
But who is this?!
I can't find my tights!
Miss, I've lost my tights.
My name is Squealer.
I come all the way
from Leningrad
What did he just say?
I think he said his
name was Squealer.
Sorry!
Lynette, forget what I said.
Sorry. Sorry, Alan.
Sorry, everyone.
I found these on my
driveway. Oh, it's my tights!
I've been a fool. My poor Nigel.
He's in a Trust House Forte.
Three stars, breakfast included.
I'm not a complete cow.
MISS GIDEON: Well,
let us continue.
ANNOUNCER: 'That Swindon
equaliser is gonna make it
'a tight final 20 for
the Cobblers here.'
Shoe Army!
FANS: Shoe Army!
Shoe Army! Shoe Army!
Bread, give us our bread!
We work hard
We need to be fed
Give us wheat
We need to eat
Bloomer, cob, loaf, bap
Feed the workers
Give me my bread
Give me my bread ♪
Give me my bread!
AUDIENCE MEMBERS GASP
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Whoa! ALL GASP
Jackie. Jackie!
That's Alan's girlfriend.
He's got a girlfriend.
I need a moment.
The show must go
on, Miss Gideon.
Oh, piss off. SHOCKED GASPS
SHE GROANS
WHISTLE BLOWS, CHEERING Come on!
ANNOUNCER: 'A huge victory
for the Cobblers this evening.
'Up the Town!'
Come in. There we go.
Paddy? Where's Graham?
I've not seen him, Ron.
Well, you get in
here anyway. Hey-hey!
Ladies and gentlemen,
a big toast for Paddy!
CHEERING
Oh, Kay, what happens now?
You've got to do something.
Go on, take this.
Ah
Oh, God.
Well, this is going
well, isn't it?
I'm in at the deep end
here, thanks to Miss Gideon!
Concussed by a Mighty
White. Whatever next?
CHUCKLING
I don't think this musical
gives a realistic interpretation
of the Russian Revolution.
The Russian Revolution
was shorter!
LAUGHTER
Do you like my outfit?
At least when people
say my acting's hammy,
I can take it as a compliment.
GROANING
Come on, give me a break.
I'm filling up time here.
It can't all be gold.
Look at these sets.
I think the man who built the stand
at the County Ground made these.
LAUGHTER
That's my son, that's my son.
OK, fine, I'm not
saying they're unsafe,
but I burped once and
a tile fell on my head.
You liked that, madam.
This musical has been a
bit like a football match.
You know, two halves, foul play,
and what a header
from Miss Gideon!
MUSIC: 'Atmosphere'
by Joy Division
My dad didn't wanna
come and see the show.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
He said I'd be like Miss
Piggy. AUDIENCE: Aw!
Oh, don't give me "Aw!"
I quite like Miss Piggy.
Besides, you paid to
watch this rubbish.
So, basically,
we're all Muppets!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Graham Carr!
Great result tonight, eh?
Yeah, yeah, it was.
Up the Cobblers!
Did you see that? Eh?
Graham Carr. Hoo!
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Hello?
CHRISTINE: 'This
is a message'
Chris? '..for
Graham Carr.'
Christine, I can hear you.
'Oh. Oh, Alan, he can hear us
on the new phone! Innit good?
'Right, where are you?
We've just got in.'
Still at the
game. 'Ah.' I'm
'All right, then.'
I'm heading home now.
'All right, love. See
you when you get back.'
HANGS UP
CHILDREN SHOU
Oh, I wish you'd seen him,
Graham. He was so funny.
Making jokes about the
play and his pig costume.
Decided against some of his more
political, edgier stuff, did he?
Oh, take no notice of him, Alan.
I would have liked
to have been there.
Maybe next season, but the fixture
list at the moment is full-on.
We've got the Milk Cup, and we're
away at Burnley, Scunthorpe
MUSIC BLASTS
There might not be a next time.
The performing arts can be a
notoriously tough business.
I'm not gonna let it
go to my head, though.
Reckon you'll make
it to Hollywood?
Maybe. If the part's right.
Bye!
ALL: Bye!
ADULT ALAN: 'Well,
the reviews were in,
'and my ad hoc stand-up
routine had been a success.
'Sadly, like Nigel's affair, the
casting agent hadn't materialised,
'but, hey, I'd had fun,
'and I couldn't wait to
relive my performance.'
Come on, give me a break.
I'm filling up time here.
'It was the voice
that struck me first.
'That high pitch, that squawk.
'And the hands. Why
were they flapping?
'More to the point,
why was I mincing?
'My heart sunk.
'So that's why I
was getting bullied.
'I was camp as tits.
'The glasses, the buck teeth,
the campness, the voice.'
BOY: Drama's
definitely for benders.
'In the world of television,
these were called trademarks,
'but in the school world,
they set you apart.
'They were targets on my back.'
And I wasn't ready
to be on the telly.
Well, not just yet.
SIGHS
MUSIC: 'Don't Leave Me
This Way' by The Communards
Don't leave me this way
I can't exist
I would surely miss
Your tender kiss
So don't leave me this way
A-a-a-a-a-ah, baby
My heart is full of
love And desire for you
So come on down And
do what you've got to do
It's started this fire
Down in my soul ♪
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