Chappelle's Show (2003) s01e06 Episode Script

1
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Ow.
Whoo-hoo-hoo.
Whoo-hoo.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's start
the show.
(announcer) You've seen them at
Mardi Gras and on Spring Break.
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That's right, available for
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it's National Geographic's
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showing girls
lifting
their shirts up is complete
without National Geographic's
"Third-World Girls Gone Wild."
Call now.
(announcer)
Dave Chappelle!
Hey!
(applause)
Welcome back
to Chappelle's Show.
You know, folks, uh,
it's Oscar season,
and, uh, I don't
know who's gonna win,
but I gotta tell you,
the most moving film
that I saw last year had to be
"Antwone Fisher".
Yes.
It was directed
by Denzel Washington,
but, but more noteworthy
than that is
it was written
by Antwone Fisher,
which is pretty deep.
I didn't know you were allowed
to write a movie about yourself.
I mean, you know what I mean?
The temptation to lie would be
too strong for me
to do something like that.
Not that I'm a liar,
but, man, this is a movie.
You gotta tell the legend.
So I bring to you now,
"Dave Chappelle",
written by Dave Chappelle.
(announcer)
Once in a great while,
a film comes along
that changes the way
we think about ourselves.
(woman screaming)
(man) Last time, all
right? Last time, now.
I want you to push
push, Mrs. Chappelle.
I want you to push.
Aah!
(coughing)
Excuse me.
Aah!
Ah
(laughing)
That is one
funny-ass kid.
Wacka-wacka!
(all laughing)
And look at the penis on him!
It's bigger than mine!
What are you
gonna name him?
I'm gonna call him Dave.
Dave?
Dave Chappelle.
Watch your eye.
He set his sights on comedy,
and would not be denied.
(theme from "8 Mile"
playing)
Where you from?
when you leavin'?
Nice shirt,
Does it come in your size?
Do I come to your job
and smack the broom
out your hand?
Something needs to happen with
this comedy thing right now.
Jokes and jokes and jokes
and jokes and ah-ha-ha-ha.
spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti,
spaghetti, spaghetti.
8 Mile.
His skills took him
to the top,
and allowed him to
have sex with Janet Jackson,
Jennifer Lopez,
a bunch of the girls from the
"Big Pimpin'" video
and Halle Berry.
That was great havin' sex
in the shower, Halle Berry.
You drained
my monster's balls.
Aw, girl
(cell phone ringing)
Oh, hold up, I'm getting a call,
I'll be right back.
Hello?
(man) Hey, Dave, it's Eddie Murphy.
(man)
And Richard Pryor.
Ah, what's up, y'all?
Hey, man,
we were just talking
about how much funnier
you are than us.
Y'all crazy, man.
Can you come have dinner
with us, Dave?
I mean, really, please?
Could you, could you
have some dinner?
Dinner tonight sounds
great, Richard Pryor.
Really?
Ha!
You gonna bring Halle?
'Cause that's a fine bitch.
Nah, son, that ain't
no dinner thing.
Call me later, man.
Hey, Halle,
how you gettin' home?
And all the time,
he kept it real.
Did I tell y'all
to sell drugs, huh?!
No, Hove did that!
So hopefully none of y'all
have to go through that.
His amazing journey led him
straight to the halls of power.
("America the Beautiful"
playing)
Thanks for having me, Mr. Bush.
I appreciate the invitation.
Well, son,
your huge heart,
generosity and courage
have saved America.
You're the champ.
I know I am.
I beat everybody I faced,
and I'm still here.
I'm still standin',
I'm still strong!
I'm bright.
Would you like to take
a bath with my daughters?
They could learn something
from you,
and I heard you
have a 16-inch penis.
18, but who's countin'?
(both laughing)
Yeah, gimme
one of them
Yeah, thing there
did I get that right?
Yeah
(laughing)
No!
True story.
Hey, look, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break,
and we'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.
Thank you.
Ha-ha!
Go ahead.
Welcome back, gang,
welcome back.
Folks, in my ongoing
effort to promote dialogue
amongst the diversity
of Americans,
I have another segment
I would like to bring to you.
A lot of you might, uh,
have questions
that you want
to ask gay people,
but you're afraid, again,
'cause you're afraid to ask.
So I gave people an opportunity
to ask those questions,
as well,
and I got none other than
Mario Cantone,
known as the gay guy
on, um, "Sex and the City".
Matter of fact, he's just
a gay guy in the city.
But he's also
a fantastic comedian.
Please, ladies and gentlemen,
make some noise
for Mario Cantone
and "Ask a Gay Dude."
All right,
I would like to know
when a gay guy is performing
oral sex,
is it better than a female?
Better, better
how the fuck do I know?
Next question!
It's better!
Hey, yo, I just got
one question
for you
fruity pants out there,
it's Bazaar Royale from
Bloodline Records,
I wanna know,
what is the rainbow about?!
What is the rainbow
about?!
I'm not feelin' the rainbow!
I'm not feelin' the rainbow!
Get back at me
about that!
"Fruity pants",
let me tell you something.
I'll put a band-aid
over your left cheek
and make you my Nelly.
Fruity pants!
Since you're guys
like, guys are always,
like, after every chick
so, since you're still a guy,
but you like guys,
then, you'd be
after every guy
so, do you want me
now?
Do you want this?
You can't have this,
but if you want
I wanna know
do you want this?
Oh-ho, you tease.
You big tease.
Hold on one second.
(wretching & spitting)
I gotta tell you guys,
man, uh,
my favorite TV show
for the last few years
has been "The Real World".
Maybe real life is just more
interesting than fake life,
I don't know what it is
but that
show moves me!
But the thing that makes me,
like, mad about
not mad, but I just don't like
this about "The Real World,"
is, every few years,
they always put a black guy
on there and try to make him
look crazy.
Like, he'll freak out,
you know, but it's like
of course, he's gonna
freak out.
You put him around six of
the craziest white people
you can find,
and then expect him to live
a normal life.
They would not like
that if we made a show
where we put one white guy
around six
of the craziest black
people we could find,
would they?
Well,
guess what?
I got a show just like that.
This is the true story of six
motherfuckin' strangers
bein' put in
a motherfuckin' house
and havin' their motherfuckin'
lives taped
find out what happens when
people stop bein' all polite
and shit and start
bein' real.
Mad real.
Mad Real World,
son.
(all)
Hoboken!
A'ight?
A'ight?
All right?
When I first entered the house,
um, you know
needless to say,
I was a little surprised
to meet the other roommates.
Sorry, sorry.
How ya doin'?
What's up, baby?
(all arguing)
(woman) What? What? What? What?
Hey, what's goin' on?
My name is Chad.
(coughing)
(muttering)
I don't hang out
with many black people.
Who ordered pizza?
No, no, no, I, I
I'm your new roommate, right?
You wanna you wanna room?
Nah, uh,
all the beds is full.
You got to room
with Tyree.
(Tyree) My name is Tyree, and, yeah,
I went to prison.
I'm I'm your
roommate, Chad.
Well, looky here, Chad,
for the entire period
you in my room,
I better not catch
you standin' up peein'.
You sit down when you pee,
you understand?
Uh
That's right.
Now, get your fat ass on
out of here, white boy.
Nighty-night,
keep your butthole tight.
Let me try on some
cotton Dockers, ha-ha-ha.
What's the square root
of this apartment?
He didn't know what he was
getting himself into, you know?
We persevere
they gave us a job
running the juice bar.
All right, enjoy.
Thanks a lot.
I wasn't really crazy
about the way
some of the other roommates, um,
acted in the juice bar.
(coughing)
Look at me, America,
I'm makin' juice.
I call this,
"the Tron special."
Boo-ya!
This right here is
the good shit.
Drip, drip, drip, drip
it's just better in, uh
get outta my face,
nigga!
I'm making
juice, all right?
Fine, fine, you make your juice,
I don't know.
Whoa!
They didn't have much respect
for the job.
(Tron)
All right, all right.
Hold on, let me roll,
one more roll, one more roll.
Hey, uh, guys,
you know, uh
we're here
to work, not play.
You know, we can't have this
conversation every day.
Hey!
Yo, what is your problem,
man?!
Why you wanna
work so hard, huh?!
Yeah, man, America wanna see us
live, not work.
Look at me, America,
look how Tron is living.
For the city
Get your ass
outta here, now!
This is a place
of business
Well, bring some
juice back, nigga!
Sell me some juice, bitch,
I'm thirsty!
Get me
a Philly blunt, son.
And a banana
cognac, biatch!
C'mon, a-clickety-clack,
a-clickety-clack.
(sirens wailing)
Police, police,
they comin' this way!
This way, come on,
y'all!
Get my money!
Hurry, get my money!
My girlfriend Katie
came in from Maine,
so great to spend
some quality time with her.
Hi, my name is Katie.
(Chad)
I know we're still young,
but, I get the feeling
that Katie, you know,
she might be the one.
Tyree made me
really uncomfortable,
the way he was looking
at me and Katie.
Something in his eyes
that kind of scared me,
you know, and, uh it wasn't
appropriate.
keep on doin'
what you doin'.
And then there was
that one night in my room.
(audience)
Oh!
(Tyree) Say, nigga, get your ass up.
I need that bed.
I got company.
My man, Lysol,
fresh out the joint.
Yeah.
Hello, Lysol,
no problem, Tyree.
C'mon, Katie,
let's go.
No, nah, nah, son,
ooh, she can stay.
No, you know what, Chad?
I'm gonna stay here.
Lysol and Tyree, they're just
genuinely nice guys.
What you waitin' for, man?
Get your fat ass out of here
before I cut some bacon
off your back.
Can we stop the tape?
(Lysol)
What's up?
Yeah, we gonna send that
back to the joint
so niggas know
how we livin' out here,
you know what I mean?
I saw Katie with, uh,
Tyree and Lysol,
and, um,
I worked my way through it.
(Tyree) Do your thing
there, doggy, yeah!
(sobbing)
Oh, Katie
Yo, could you hold it down?
We're tryin' to make
love over here.
(Tron) Chappelle's
Show. will be right back
with more "Mad Real World,"
biatch!
Turn on your TV.
Ow.
What you gonna see?
(Tron) And, now, more "Mad Real World".
Um, it's good
to be alone for a minute
in the confession
room.
(laughing)
Niggas
is wildin'!
(crowd yelling)
I remember that we were
all joking around,
and Tron got me
in a, uh a sleeper hold.
Oh yeah!
(crowd yelling)
I'm king of the world!
I don't think he meant
to hurt me, but, uh
I don't, I'll be honest,
I don't remember
a whole lot after that.
Sssss!
(crowd yelling)
(Tyree) We gonna take Chad upstairs,
you know what I'm sayin',
and tuck him in.
Oh, okay,
that's nice, yeah.
Be careful if you get
a sleeper hold
because the next day
your anus will really hurt.
You know, I'll admit it,
when my dad came by,
I was a little bit concerned.
(Chad) Hey, guys, I'd like to
introduce you all to my dad.
I brought some brownies.
Do they got weed
in 'em?
No!
I felt bad
for that white boy,
but his daddy shouldn't have
looked at her like that,
so, you know?
'Cause I don't like
how you looked at me.
Why you gotta
look at me like that?!
Zondra, I apologize.
I don't know how
I'm looking at you.
Like that!
Like what?!
Oh, look!
Look, he doin' it!
I'll look over here!
Don't look at me!
He don't know
how to talk to people.
Why you gotta be lookin'
at me, white man?!
I'm not looking
at anyone, if someone
(grunting)
I've been stabbed!
Blah, blah
Zondra,
I've been stabbed
and I don't know
what I did!
You came in the house
with six wild niggas,
that's what you did!
"I'm
I'm bleeding!"
(Chad) Hey, guys, what's
going on out there?
(chatter and music)
(loud chatter
continues)
Ha!
I said, look
enough!
(music stops)
What is wrong
with you people?!
Can't you be quiet
for one night?!
It's 1:30 in the morning
and I have to get up early
to go to work,
damn it!
Oh, this white boy's
trippin', "you people?"
What the hell you mean,
"you people?!"
I think we need to
have a house meeting, y'all.
A'ight?
(stomping up stairs)
(Zondra) The reason why we called
this house meeting is because
we just don't feel safe with you
in the house anymore, Chad.
Are you serious?
I don't feel safe.
We feel as though you should
leave, man today.
I should leave?
Tyree, you
you stabbed my dad!
And you had sex
with Katie.
Wait a minute,
you got that all wrong.
I didn't have sex
with Katie.
Lysol had
sex with Katie.
I just filmed it.
No, Tyree,
you had sex with me too.
Correction, I had sex
with Katie.
And now you
want me to leave?!
I mean, really, man,
we could just fuck
you up.
But, you know, we tryin' to be,
you know, comvenial about this.
But worse
come to worse,
we reserve the right to
fuck you up.
Right.
Fine, I
I guess I'll go.
Hey, Chad?
I had sex with Katie too,
man.
Katie has
some big-ass titties.
(laughing)
Ooooohhhhhh.
Aaahh.
Oh oh.
Oh.
Oooooh.
Got that feelin'.
Ooohhh.
Got that feelin'.
Ooooh.
we're gonna take
a quick commercial break,
and we'll be right back with
more Chappelle's Show.
How about that?
The greatest show.
Now, here to re-enact
one of my favorite
"Real World" moments,
make some noise for my man,
David Broom
from the New Orleans cast.
(cheers & applause)
What's up, maestro?
Take me there,
son.
Take me there
Oh, so baller!
You mind if I sing
a little bit over that?
Yeah, man, go ahead.
Oh, yeah, you set 'em up nice,
I'm gonna come in.
I'm gonna come in
watch how I do it.
(both) Squee-ba-boo
dee-ba-boo-dee.
Squee-ba-boo-dee-ba-boo-ba.
Wquee-ba-boo-dee
ba-boo-squee.
Squee-ba-boo.
Squee-ba-boo-squee.
Squee-da
squee-do.
(Broom)
Squee-ah-ee-ah-ee.
Ow.
Squee-ah
ee-ah-ee.
I-I-I
Aw, you lost me.
Come on
be my baby tonight.
Oh, that's monster.
Come on
be my baby tonight.
I've seen the way
you've treated
other thugs
you've been with.
She treat 'em bad,
don't she?
Come on
be my baby tonight.
She treated them
thugs bad.
Come on
be my baby tonight.
come on be my baby
tonight.
Come on,
you rotten bitch, be my baby!
Other thugs
you've been with
Come on
be my baby tonight.
I would like to thank
David Broom.
I would like
to thank you at home
and you here in
the studio.
God bless you all,
and I'll see you next week.
I'm out.
(cheering and applause)
(Chappelle)
I'm rich, biatch!
(horn honks)
Hi,
thank you.
What you doin',
girl?
Huh, what you mean,
what am I talkin' about, girl?
You know what I'm
talkin' about.
Come over here
so I can stick my chocolate
in your peanut
butter.
(laughing)
What?
Oh, I'm sorry
No, no, pardon me,
miss, I
I understand, I didn't
know it was an emergency.
Bitch, I'm tellin' ya!
I didn't know it was
an emergency, I'm sorry!
All right!
Hmm.
Chad, it's your moms.
She say something wrong
with you grandmother.
She dead or
something, my fault.
Bitch.
Mommy?