Chickens (2011) s01e06 Episode Script

1 I just need some soup, a bit of porridge.
There's a few other things.
I've got a list.
What, a list of demands? Well, yes.
A shopping list.
What's on this list? Yep, I'm going to tell you.
Vegetables.
Every vegetable? Any vegetable will be fine.
Yes, I was going to say - you won't be getting every vegetable, I'm afraid.
Oh, hello, Winky! Oh, dear.
I mean, oh, hello, dear! I missed out the hello! Just finishing the shopping.
Do you want anything? I could do with some ciggies.
And a packet of ciggies for my fiancee.
She's not your fiancee.
I think I'd know if she was my fiance or not.
Tell her, Winky.
I don't want to get involved.
Not even wearing a ring.
She is wearing a Ooh! Now then.
Where's the old ring then, Winky? Next! Hold that thought.
There's five shillings.
Right.
Keep the change.
Yep.
Normally me who says that but Winky! It's on! There, see.
On.
It's back on, certainly.
The thing is really that the ring slides off very easily with just a few twists, and tugs.
And because I find myself tugging it quite a lot, it can tend to it sort of has a will of its own.
It's like it wants to be off.
How about, for safety, I just keep it in my pocket.
Can't fall off if it's already off.
I suppose the only problem with that is that people won't know we're engaged.
Oh, I don't care about that.
Oh, fine then.
Oh, thank you George! Oh, George, I love you! Oh, God, I love you so much! I love you too, Winky! I thought we could have lunch together, but bye! Alright Cecil, I know.
I am trying to be more forceful, that just wasn't the right time.
I'm not Cecil.
Oh, sorry, Bert.
I thought you were Cecil.
I'm not Bert either.
Men Men Men Stop saying "men", old bean.
The men are back.
The men are back on leave.
See you later.
Ooh! Hold your horses.
Have you heard of "We're playing Monopoly"? What? Well I can't help but notice that you're not exactly winning.
Seems an opportune moment to exit.
Bert, my friends are back from their first war.
What about your friends staying in your hotel on Bond Street? They're customers, Bert.
They're not really friends.
So your customer isn't your friend? Well, remind me never to visit your shop or emporium, George, because clearly I'll be regarded as some sort of despised enemy, isn't that right, Cecil? Oh, he's gone.
Windfall! Someone just inherited the Water Works.
Hi, Nellie.
Is Harry back? He's resting.
He's resting.
Absolutely.
No chance of just saying hello? He's out.
He's out as well.
Resting and out.
All right.
Cheers.
Listen, I have missed my boys deeply, and if you think about it, you've had all the women around while the men were at war, while I've had no-one in my life.
So what I'm saying is Are you saying you've missed my own husband more than I have? I think we're even-stevens.
Is there a soldier on the premises? Yeah, Cow.
Cow? Well, Dennis.
But his father and I call him Cow, because he looks braindead.
Do you? Yeah.
Nobody's ever called him Dennis.
Doesn't suit him.
He looks too braindead.
I'd love to talk to Cow if he's in and mooing.
Cow! Dinner! Quickest way.
He must've gone out.
He comes and goes.
Well, this has been the worst one so far.
So you're a pacifist? Yep.
If you want to write something, there's a rag and a bucket to wipe a space, there's some charcoal there too.
Move over, Dot, stop hogging it! Get a bigger house then, cheapskate.
It's all I can afford.
I'm sorry! No, it's all right.
I don't want to write anything.
It's just that, well, I think I might agree with you.
What? You mean I want to become involved in opposing the war.
This is it! Wake up, George.
Thinking head on, this is happening.
Come on, George.
Come in.
Come in, dear boy.
Now, the first thing you need to do is try and make your peace with God.
Oh, yeah, I've done that.
You've done that already? Yeah, I done it on the walk over.
Oh, no, top of the class, that's amazing.
Well, take a seat, please.
That's my bike.
Oi! Hiya! I thought you were turning round cos you'd seen me.
Me? No! Greeting circle.
What? Little greeting circle to welcome you home.
What can I do you for? That's my bike.
No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
I left it tied to the town cross on the day we shipped out.
What colour was your bike? Red.
And how many wheels It is my bike.
Look, I've carved my name into the handlebars.
It says "Thomas".
How do you know that's not my name I've carved into the handlebars? Well what's your name? Thomas.
Is it though? Seems to be.
No, I know you.
You're not called Thomas.
You're called something like Talbot.
Talbot's not a name, mate! You're thinking of Thomas.
All right, if you didn't steal it from the town cross, where did you get it from? Blind man.
What? Got it from a blind man in Reading.
For five pounds.
Are you doing your cover story sarcastically? You should be pleased, mate.
Seeing it out and about.
I got a bell for it.
Look at that.
That doesn't change anything.
Well, technically it means we now share ownership.
Right, thank you.
THANK YOU! There's no justice.
Simple as that! OK, you may ride my bike, but you may not touch my bell! That's my property.
Out of bounds.
I'll assume that was an accident.
Do not do it again.
Right.
That's your final warning! Final warning.
That's better.
I knew you'd you're just being cheeky now.
And that's pacifism.
I'm sold.
What? I am sold.
I think what you said was very impressive.
I'm paying my warrant, I'm staying in England.
Just think of how many lives you've saved, George.
Me? Yeah, you've effectively saved the life of anyone I might have killed.
And bear in mind, I used to really go for it.
Bloody hell.
My plan is to stay here, gain the attention of the powers that be and expose this hideous deception that has destroyed so many of us.
You, George, might have saved the lives of the people of Europe.
Gosh.
I don't know what to say.
Not bad for a Tuesday! Mm.
Ooh! Men! Men! MENNN! Argh! Nice morning, Cecil? Tempest of shit.
In a bad way? I can't get near 'em.
Can't get near who? The soldiers.
My actual friends.
That's a shame.
We've had one here all morning.
I don't believe you.
Oh, yes, we had a good old natter.
You can still see the imprint of his bottom, if you're interested.
Is this his tea? Yes.
It's still warm.
No sign of him anywhere! It is ludicrous.
I feel like throwing myself off a cliff.
It's only about a ten-minute walk to the cliffs actually, Cecil.
Shut up, Bert.
Knock knock! Hi! Is this a good time? Could be, if you're thinking what I'm thinking! Right.
Where to begin.
I know that relations between us haven't always been the best, but I hope you'll accept this small gift of food and drink from me.
What's this bullshit? Wow, Cecil.
Wow.
I just thought you three could use a nice night in.
I just really want you to enjoy your own home, here, where you live, with the provisions I've provided.
Just hunker down, shut the shutters, and forget about the outside world.
How remarkably good of you, Agnes.
Don't thank her, mate.
Why are you doing this, Agnes? Just because you like us? Yes, just because I No, I'm not saying that.
I refuse to say it.
I hate you.
Do you hear me? I hate you all.
Just stay in your stupid shack, and don't come to the welcome back bash at the pub tonight.
I knew it.
I knew something was up.
Well you can take this back.
We're not going to be bribed by a Oh, apart from the brandy.
No, Bert.
We're not accepting Is that quince? George! Oh, my God, there's a whole wheel of Stilton.
Right.
That's your lot.
Goodbye, Agnes.
See you tonight.
Another hamper goes begging.
I'm sorry, Bert.
Can we get a dog? No, Bert.
Not allowed to do anything! So.
What on earth have you men been doing? Was it insane? Must have been madness, was it? Well I'll answer what I think was your first inquiry, first.
We disembarked initially at the village of Nimes, which shares it's name with a much larger town in the south but is obviously a separate place.
Cock-up! Hope somebody got their balls roasted for that one.
No, it wasn't a cock-up, we were at the right Nimes.
It's just true that it shares it's name.
It may not be of interest.
Anyway, we were reinforcing an area of the line.
Here we go! Supported by a battalion from Frew on our right.
Oh, God, weren't stuck with those bastards, were you? Well, they did suffer very heavy casualties.
Oh, dear, got a bit of a bloody nose, did they?! 50 or so of them died in the initial attack.
Jesus Christ.
That's That's awful.
The Murphy boys were all killed.
Three brothers.
Youngest 17.
France is pretty, though I'd rather see it in peacetime.
I might be going actually, when the old war's over.
Treat myself.
Come, if you want.
Thanks.
Three words.
Lwar Wy Rew - can't even say it! Loire Wine Route.
There we go.
Fancy it? I'll pencil you in.
I used to really enjoy these sort of Army knees-up.
Now I'm leaving it all behind.
The bonus is I've got a beautiful new girlfriend to share my new life with.
Oh, hold up.
Girlfriend.
You're a dark horse, Harold.
Who's the filly? I met her when she started writing letters to me at the front.
Oh, yes, I'm familiar with that scheme.
I'll introduce you, although we've to keep it a bit hush-hush because she was seeing some other bloke in the village.
Oh, scandal! Also called George actually.
Also called George? Also called what's her name? Winky.
It is Winky in the end.
NCO's a fucking enormous bloke.
Anyway I'm thinking, he looks like trouble.
But a laugh, you know? I get my three hours' sleep and I get up, I'm ready to do my watch.
I said, where's the big bloke from last night? But he's already dead.
He's gone out, first night on patrol, and got hit.
We didn't know there were any Germans on that part of the line.
That was quite a shock.
Yeah, yeah, reminds me of something that happened here actually.
Right.
Can't imagine what this is, but One day, Cecil decided to climb the biggest tree in the village.
I don't know.
He's just he's a lunatic.
Anyway, it doesn't quite go to plan - he gets stuck in the tree.
It's a plum tree as well, so even worse.
Bit of a tourist magnet.
Lots of onlookers.
And this the truly unbelievable thing - we'd been having an unusually hot autumn.
The weather now turns.
Instead of the hot sun, clouds.
Clouds, every bit of the sky, clouds.
Even the temperature falls.
As in, it actually comes down a bit.
And to cut a long story short, Cecil was up there for an hour in just a loose shirt and a jacket.
And I think he had a scarf on as well.
Furious.
Still living it down.
Hello, Winky.
I'd like you to meet George.
Hello, Winky.
Well, um dunno really.
Did you manage to see Mrs Halesley about your drain in the end? Um.
Yes, she's coming tomorrow.
Excellent.
Fabulous.
Leaky spigot, Harold.
So you two know each other then? Vaguely.
Well.
You've met Harold, I hear.
Just a bit! Wonderful.
Tremendous.
I was under the impression you had another man in the village, Winky? Apparently that relationship's become very difficult.
Relationships aren't simple, mate.
One faulty spigot - you don't throw out the whole system, you plug the leak.
Mrs Halesley's throwing out the whole system.
Forget the spigot, Winky.
You brought it up.
OK.
Let's just Winky, my dear, do you mind if I borrow your Well, blow me down, your boyfriend, for a second? I think you should go back to war at the earliest convenience.
What? What do you mean? Turns out you can serve us best if you're actually in France.
At the front.
Right in the line of fire.
Spreading doubt in the trenches? Yes, that works.
Good idea.
It's brilliant.
That way I can engage with the soldiers directly, start a mass desertion, the likes of which the army has never seen.
Whatever, really.
The most important thing is for you to tell this girl of yours, what's her name? Winky.
That's the one.
Tell her that your duties as a pacifist require you to go back into the army in, certainly, the medium to long-term.
Feeling left out, Cecil? No.
It can't be easy for you.
Here, have a piece of cake.
Is that from our hamper? No, it's fresh out of the oven.
It's made with figs.
Really, that's my favourite.
I know.
Also a good amount of ginger in there.
Get away! That's my second favourite thing.
That's right.
And then one final touch - a nice thick layer of marzipan on top.
I see.
Oh, no.
You're not still acutely allergic to marzipan, are you? I can't believe you've baked a cake purely so that I can't have any.
What are you talking about? So it's just a coincidence that it's got a layer of, effectively, poison on top? Yes.
I suppose I could peel the marzipan off.
I have also mixed it into the body of cake.
Shitloads of it.
Would you like a piece? Cecil can't have any.
He's got a sensitive stomach.
I thought it was your feet.
And flat feet, as well! My goodness, Cecil, what else is wrong with you? Hay-fever? Constipation? Don't open it out, Agnes.
Acne.
Oops.
Dandruff.
At least dandruff's real.
Flat feet isn't even a real thing.
It is a real thing.
Ingrowing teeth.
That's more like it! Hair-ache.
Verrucas! Back on the real ones.
Depression.
Where's depression come from? Spot on your bum.
Bert?! That IS true! OK! Fine! I'll have the cake! It will send my digestive system into a state of severe shock, but No, you're right, irrelevant.
Cheers! Your very good health.
Mmmm.
Delicioussshh I'm writing this off, as an image.
Don't let on you fancy him, Agnes! Cecil, please.
She doesn't fancy him.
Hello? Excuse me? Is something the matter? No.
I just thought you looked like you needed some company.
Well, we don't.
You've misread the situation massively.
On yer bike, mate.
Well, fine.
Kissing's lost a lot of its romantic connotations these days, anyway, hasn't it? You kiss your mum, you kiss a dog.
Lovable mutt.
She'll probably be kissing me in a minute, mate.
Oh, we will look back on this and laugh, Agnes.
We will look back on this and laugh.
And regret it.
I've decided to stay in the army.
Oh, really? I know.
Be strong.
It's just that, with me being back in the army, it would be It would be irresponsible of you.
It would be irresponsible of me to enter into anything with you, in case I got injured.
Or killed.
Or killed.
I'm so sorry, my dear.
That's alright.
No, I can't go back to France.
Not without knowing you'll be here when I get back.
Hang it all, let's do it properly.
Let's get engaged.
Ah, now Get engaged?! Why not? We're both unattached.
And I don't have a ring, but Oh, well in that case I've got a ring.
Oh! Why would you say that? You've got a ring? It's not a very good one.
Thanks very much.
Were you gonna propose to me? What's this? Um Winky might be getting engaged.
Hmm.
Interesting.
Where do you stand on that, old chap? Not sure.
Think I'm in control.
Just watching at this stage.
Havin' a bit of a watch.
Everyone! I've asked Winky to marry me, and she's said yes! Oh, Jesus, I can't even Oh, the ramifications.
Well done, mate.
All the best.
She's wearing the ring, mate.
She wasn't this morning.
Yeah.
I suppose.
You wanted it on - bingo! It's on.
Call it a night.
Whose round? Agnes? When Belgium put the kibosh on the Kaiser Europe took a stick and made him sore When we get to Germany, not the Kaiser it will be Oh, we won't be hoch the Kaiser any more When Belgium put the kibosh on the Kaiser Alright? What's going on? He's had a right shocker.
Winky's engaged to someone else! Course she has.
Pretty bad to be engaged to just George! He's really in pieces about it.
I'm having a lot of fun.
Excuse me.
Can I have your attention for a moment.
I've just received a telegram from the DCO in Frew.
Booooo! "Frew".
It's a nice part of the world, Cecil! The trenches South of Mons have been sustaining severe losses for the past 48 hours and we're the lucky buggers who've been deployed to assist them.
How long do we have? You should all go home right away, start saying goodbye to your families.
Might as well polish these off.
Well, that was good.
Good to see them.
I agree.
It's a relief they're gone.
Tried to take my woman, Agnes.
Not your woman.
And nicked my bike.
Not your bike.
All I'm saying is, they didn't do themselves any favours with regard to being invited back.
Right, think it's action time vis-a-vis me vomiting marzipan.
See you out front.
Women, stop what you're doing.
In honour of our brave men returning to battle, and for those who may not return, I would like to propose a minute of silence to reflect on their sacrifice.
Oh, good, wonderful Hello, stomach! Not pretty.
Hello, ladies.
Gladys's armed?! Shit! She's a shot - killed seven geese this season! We can't shake 'em! They're faster than us! Not all of them.
Hesta's fading.
Looks like a hamstring.
Alright, Hesta? Ooh, looks painful.
Gotta stop smoking.
Oh, I love watching Agnes run - look at those! Eyes front, Bert! Spoilsport.
I'm flagging.
Keep it together, George.
We can do pub-to-cottage in under three minutes, we've prepared for this.
Now the next question is, have I left my front door key in the pub, to which the answer is certainly "Yes".