Children Ruin Everything (2022) s01e06 Episode Script

1 ASTRID: Before kids, a car meant freedom, convenience, possibility, hitting the open road was exciting.
With kids, it's like you're an Uber driver for a drunk cop.
They boss you around, shame you for texting, spill their food everywhere and then you just have to take it.
JAMES: Your car becomes a kitchen, a bedroom, a family room, a toilet, and a prison.
It feels like you got to bring everything in your house with you, except the cool stuff.
ASTRID: But the hardest part of driving anywhere is leaving the damn house.
[SHOUTING.]
She's mad because there's no room in her tummy for a snack because I've made too much breakfast.
What, kiddo! Come on, we got a long drive ahead of us.
I'm gonna stick you in the trunk.
Yay! The trunk.
No, no, no, Daddy's joking, baby.
No one ever, ever, ever goes in the trunk.
That's not an idea we want to explore.
I'm not going, Dad! [SHOUTING.]
Can I go in the trunk? [VIV CONTINUE SHOUTING.]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hey, Manitoulin Island is a six-hour drive and we were supposed to leave two hours ago.
I'm trying something.
All right, let's see what you brought for the car.
A frisbee, oh, your Tooth Fairy money, some string, and a yo-yo.
You know none of this stuff you can use in the car.
- It's for the cottage.
- Uncle Bo's brother's cottage is bigger than our entire house and full of toys.
- Can we have a cottage? - Of course, we can't.
- Did you pee? - I think so.
Okay, I'm gonna need you to step it up a bit.
You're eight years old now.
It's time you take responsibility for getting ready and for your own pee, quite frankly.
It's your bladder now, you're in charge.
Okay.
Been through the war with this beast.
Oh, yeah, Florida, Tofino, that time the streetcar hit me.
Us, my love, the streetcar hit us.
Yeah, you're right, I think, uh, I think we're due for a new ride or a new used ride.
Or if Teslas will ever come down in price.
Why, because Bo's brother Trevor has one? [LAUGHS.]
It's so fun to bomber out of that thing.
Trev, he's he's a pretty good guy.
Disagree.
He's a twice-divorced crypto guru, who thinks his invisible braces are actually invisible but I can see them, James, I can see them because the man chews like a horse.
Great cottage, though.
It's not even a cottage, it's like a set from The Bachelor.
So, I'm thinking that maybe our next car should have a third row and be a van.
For my guitar.
Or another baby.
I was actually - thinking about that.
- Mm.
No, I was thinking about making this trip with an infant, driving while being sleep-deprived, diaper changes, baby crying, which is more haunting than kid crying.
I understand that another human makes things more difficult.
It's less time, less space, less money.
We have to change when we retire.
But it's also that new baby smell, and the first words and holding another human that's a little bit of both of us.
Why can't you acknowledge what I'm saying is valid? Why can't you acknowledge that, like, babies are sweet? I do, but is it realistic? "Is it realistic?" What is realistic? Is anything actually realistic? - Okay.
- Well, I say we ignore reality.
You know what? It's May 2-4.
It's the weekend.
Let's just go to a cottage with an espresso machine and then we'll talk about all this over a glass of wine while we sit on one of the docks.
- Okay.
- Yes.
So if you think that sweating half a day in the car with our children is gonna change my mind, you're wrong.
Oh! I think it might make you regret the first two.
- How are you less ready? - Yeah, guys, we're we're supposed to be on the 400 now.
That's a highway.
You guys don't know anything.
Felix, why are you eating cereal? - It's for the car.
- What? I'll be careful.
Viv, what are you wearing? Stop, stop whirly twirling.
Okay, okay, you know what? Maybe we're gonna go to the cottage without you, - what do you think about that? - Oh.
Don't make threats you can't follow through on.
That's like ice cream in the garbage all over again.
No, no, no, it's gonna work.
They don't know I'm not gonna follow through.
They're gonna start getting ready, you watch.
- No.
- I'm gonna start the car and then I'm gonna go with or without you.
I want you kids to know I admire your daddy's follow-through.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Mm.
I was right, you haven't left yet.
Can you email me a sip of that mimosa? Don't even joke about drinking and driving.
There was a huge accident on the highway and a family got mangled, including two kids.
- Oh, hi, Viv! - Hi, Dawn Aunty! How's it going out there? Ah! So peaceful.
- We'll be there soon.
- I hope so.
The last ferry leaves Tobermory at 5:00 now.
- What? Really? Is that new? - JAMES: Guys, I have had it up to here.
That's Look how close to the top it is.
We're gonna go and you guys are gonna watch me leave.
James, we have to go, the ferry leaves at 5:00.
Guys, we have to leave, this is serious.
- Hello, James.
- Oh, hey, Dawn.
Yeah.
Uh Tell Trev I couldn't put my ax in the car, but I'm excited to jam, though.
Should I tell Bo too? [EXCLAIMS.]
Sure.
Mm.
And don't forget your bathing suits.
Trevor just put in a brand-new Jacuzzi.
See you soon.
Guys, the cottage has a Jacuzzi.
What's that? It's a tiny hot pool you can sit in.
Yeah, it makes a soup out of you and your friends.
- Yes! - Yes! - Okay! - Okay, okay, let's go, let's go.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Hey, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy, you have your backpack on.
Come on.
Can we listen to Scoob McDooby? Ah! You know what? We don't have it in the car.
Oh, it's in my backpack.
You found it, huh? Okay, great.
Oh, I see you brought some sticker books to read, huh? - Am I sneaky? - Yes, you're so sneaky, but, remember, reading is what makes you feel sick and you hate being sick, right? It's not reading, she can't read.
- Thank you, Felix.
- No problem.
I can read stickers.
Viv, where's your yuck bucket? - I got it, I got it.
- Thank you.
Okay, what do you what do you do, Viv, when your stomach starts to feel yucky? - I cry.
- Before that.
- I puke.
- In the bucket, right? I can only do my best.
[SCREAMING IN AGONY.]
Okay, okay, okay, okay - Are you bleeding? - No.
Well, then Band-Aid's not really going to help, is it? It makes it better.
I mean, actually, it's called a "placebo effect" and it's your brain lying to your body.
- Is there rainbow Band-Aid? - There is.
Here we go and like that, is it better? - So much better.
- "So much better.
" [BEARD TRIMMER BUZZING.]
What the What are you doing? Oh, I just realized, if there's a hot tub, I better trim my bikini line.
With my beard trimmer? Uh, yeah, I just need to take out some of the volume so it's not like a little bird's nest peeking out.
[CAWS.]
- [CAR HORN BEEPING.]
- Is that our horn? What happened? [SNIFFLES.]
I was just trying to start the car, - and it worked.
- Yes, no, yeah, I mean, it's gonna work, buddy.
Why Why Why did you do that? I was trying to help save time.
Hey, come here, I appreciate you taking the initiative but that was really dangerous, and honestly not a huge time saver for us.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
ASTRID: Planning a family road trip, you have to factor in small bladders and queasy tummies, and your optimal route involves a lot more stops.
You can't focus on making good time, only making the time somehow good, thereby proving to yourself and your partner that it wasn't a totally stupid idea.
- James, some music.
- Mm-hmm.
ANNOUNCER: In an accident that left five dead, including two children Yeah, less talk, more rock, let's go! - [ALL CHEERING.]
- Let's go! [CAR HORN HONKING.]
Only six hours left to go.
PERSON: Move it, you fool! [SONG PLAYING.]
Not a long time ♪ Not a long time ♪ So have a good time ♪ The sun won't shine every day ♪ And the sun is shinin' ♪ - Hey, no reading in the car.
- Viv can't read.
Yes, I can.
Viv, no reading, no looking at stuff, no staring at anything in your lap, that's how you get sick, okay, honey? - Not looking.
- Totally, um, except I can see you, though, so Okay, look, Viv, if you don't stop, we're You know what, let's do this.
Uh, first person to see a green car is the green car champion.
It's a really good call.
Wow.
Oh, we need to stop and get some pies at the Mennonite farm.
I don't It's not, uh, exactly on the way and we're already cutting close.
No, no, last year we showed up empty-handed, remember? And Dawn asked if we needed grocery money.
We brought stuff.
Nobody believed those Paw Patrol yogurts were for the group, James.
We need something special.
We're never gonna make the ferry.
Please don't think that's a challenge to drive fast.
It's too late, James.
FELIX: Viv's looking out my window.
VIV: Felix looked up mine.
All windows are in play.
His eyes are hogging all the windows.
We're losing 'em.
How about we listen to some more music? Scoob McDooby.
Yeah! When I say tre You say three, tre ♪ Tre ♪ When I say tre You say three, tre ♪ - Tre ♪ - When I say trick ♪ You say treat ♪ Trick, trick ♪ When I say trick You say treat ♪ Trick, trick ♪ Uh, there's a Uh Sorry, I can't.
This music is making me wanna put an icepick in my ears.
I'm just gonna turn this down real quick, guys.
- No! - Okay! - Cottage this way - Mm-hmm.
four million dollars.
Wow! They probably think they're so much better than us.
FELIX: Can I eat food I find on the seat? For the last time, yes.
Yes! Aren't you supposed to be checking for traffic? Yeah, no, I was, we're good.
Then I started thinking about buying some land, probably prefab down.
You know, Trevor has a pretty sweet setup.
- The kids have a separate bunkie.
- Hey.
- Who threw that? - I can't hear.
You don't throw a horse at Mommy because you can't hear your Halloween music.
- Come on.
- Oh, my God! You know, not to belabor the point but imagine all this plus an infant and sore nipples.
It's not as far-fetched as buying some land and dropping a prefab.
I just wanna think of a future where we can do that.
And a separate bunkie for the kids like how Trev has.
Cool Trev with all his erotic Japanese art It's called shunga.
Why is it so crazy to think that we can have a cottage? Why is it crazy to think that we can have a baby? - FELIX: Dad? - Hmm? - Viv threw up again.
- What, again? She threw up before but you guys were talking.
Okay, you can interrupt for barf for future [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
Oh, God! Can I have my snacks now? No, we have to hose down the snacks you already ate.
- Are you kidding me right now? - Did it ruin my sticker book? Yes, Viv, it got in your sticker book.
I asked you so many times to put that away.
You can't read while we're driving.
- She can't read.
- Felix, your sister's gonna have people telling her she can't do things her entire life, she doesn't need to hear it from you too.
Viv look at this, this is covered in vomit.
This is garbage now, sorry.
- Hey, that's littering.
- Felix, shut up.
Hey, that wasn't about you, Mommy's just frustrated.
But also, like, come on.
[PANTS.]
Hi.
Found this under the car seat.
Oh, my God! [EXHALES.]
I hate yelling at the kids, but I want to throw them into the sun.
Yeah it's a bad feeling.
[EXHALES.]
I love you.
There's a picnic area up ahead.
We can change Viv, clean up, regroup.
Maybe you can chat with Felix? Can't we just leave them there? Mm.
Yeah, we pick them up on the way back.
Yeah.
- Or not.
- Okay.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
Eat your salad.
Mm.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Oh, is there raspberry vinaigrette on this? Nope, it looks like a bug peed on it.
Mm.
Well, whatever you did, it's delicious.
All right, you guys go run around and burn off some energy.
Hey, I'm sorry I told you to shut up.
You said that two times already, Mommy.
- I'm sorry.
- [LAUGHS.]
I'm gonna go check out that creek right after I, uh raspberry vinaigrette behind that tree.
Okay.
I'll pack up.
Oh, my God! [VIV AND FELIX SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
ASTRID: Usually, one parent ends up being the family documentarian.
JAMES: You get all the birthdays or the first days at school, the beautiful candids, the incredibly framed action shots.
ASTRID: You're a great photographer, sweetheart.
JAMES: Oh, it's nothing.
I'm just quick on the draw and use the rule of thirds and have an excellent eye.
ASTRID: Anyway, having a family album in your pocket makes it easy to reminisce about the adorable things that happened when the kids were little or like last week.
JAMES: It also makes it easy for those precious moments to get stolen or worse.
- Oh, no! - No! No, no, no, no! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
- No, no, no, no! - [GASPS.]
- Just get it.
I'm so sorry.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
- Ah.
No, it's okay, it's okay.
It's okay.
Okay, it's fine, it's fine, do we have any rice? Uh We have lentil salad.
Nope, that's nope.
But everything's in the cloud, right? We have a cloud.
For a year, the cloud has emailed me once a week to tell me the cloud is full.
[SIGHS.]
[CLOCK TICKING.]
[SNICKERS.]
Did you drug their food? Felix looks like such a stoner when he sleeps.
JAMES: "Energy is everything, dude.
" [EXCLAIMS.]
"Does my body make hair or is it, like, already inside me?" "Cats are just mini tigers.
" [LAUGHS.]
Oh! Oh, he's a little stoner.
I'd take a picture but [SIGHS.]
Hopefully, we didn't lose everything.
Mm.
You're right about the pies, let's just get to the ferry.
All right, agreed.
I'm so sick of it being a battle just to get out of the house to go somewhere fun.
- Totally.
- Just done with dragging people kicking and screaming, it's exhausting.
Amen, sister.
Well, I'm talking about you, too.
I can't make you want to have a kid.
You don't want to and that's legit.
So, that's, that's the end of the conversation.
- You sure? - Yeah.
[MELODIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SONG PLAYING.]
Okay.
Are we there? I see pioneers.
JAMES: Those are Mennonites, buddy.
You made my pie dreams come true.
I did some calculations and a lot of speeding and I figure we have about 17 minutes here.
- So let's get some pies.
- [SQUEALS.]
You're the best.
Now my sister's not going to judge me all weekend.
Just kidding, yes, she will.
Can I use my Tooth Fairy money to buy cookies for Viv and me? That's so sweet of you but you know I'll give you the money.
But I want to use my money.
All right, you got it, mister.
- Can I have the keys? - Yeah.
- Meet you by the pie guy? - Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Actually, how do you feel about getting that money on your own, - huh? - Thanks.
- So where are those pies? - Mm.
This way, milady.
We will take your freshest apple pies.
Unfortunately, we're fresh out.
Oh! Okay, what about, um, strawberry rhubarb? Just sold the last one.
All we have left is shoo fly pie.
I heard the word fly.
What is shoo fly pie? It's made with molasses and raisins.
- A raisin pie - Now, is it called shoo fly because when you cut into it, the raisins, they look like dead flies? - Uh - No.
It's because the molasses attracts the flies and you have to shoo them away.
My love, how many pies that need protection from insects would you like to take to the cottage? Well, no less than two.
We gotta have two, man.
Oh, God.
Felix, why did you start the car again? I didn't want to.
My body made me do it.
No, your body didn't make you do it, kiddo, your body isn't a separate guy.
Okay, we don't have time for cookies anymore, let's go.
Ooh.
- No.
- Yeah.
We have to call CAA.
Okay, um, is your phone in the car? It is, yes.
Top-up? Yes, please.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
You know I haven't had to shoo a single fly away from this pie? It's false advertising.
Felix says that flies throw up when they land on food.
You should call them barfs then - because the - Yeah, no, you're right.
- You get it.
- Yeah.
You're really done with having another baby? No.
I definitely still want one.
I'm just done with talking about it and, honestly, I'm not done with talking about it.
Right, okay, well [SIGHS.]
I may have a baby compromise.
We try.
That's a great idea, let's do it.
- Ah! You're a genius.
- Okay, if we have a baby, we do that, and if we don't have a baby But we might have a baby [CHUCKLES.]
But if we don't have a baby, then that's cool too.
Okay.
We try - for four months.
- Eight months.
Six.
Done.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
[EXHALES.]
- Take this party inside.
- Yeah-ha, I think so.
Also one beer puts me to sleep.
The road of life can be bumpy and windy and make you sick.
ASTRID: Are you really doing a "life is a highway" metaphor? JAMES: Oh, come on, can you just [GRUNTS.]
When you're on your own, you're in the driver's seat but when you have passengers ASTRID: [LAUGHS.]
This is terrible.
JAMES: When you have passengers, you need to consider where everyone wants to go.
ASTRID: It's not the destination, it's the journey, am I right? JAMES: Okay, I, I support you when you do your talking thing.
- Can you have my back, please? - ASTRID: Always have your back.
JAMES: We've reached a fork in the road and have to make a choice - whether or not to have a - ASTRID: Hitchhiker? JAMES: Ooh, yes, a hitchhiker who will delight us and make the journey more interesting.
Or murder us.
Likely a bit of both.
ASTRID: We may alter the route or even the destination, but the beautiful thing is that we're all in the car together.
JAMES: [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, there she is.
That was great.
ASTRID: Yeah, I'm amazing.
JAMES: You are amazing.
We're amazing.
Here's a spooky trick or treat for you ♪ It's a Halloween rap MC Boo! ♪ Ghost flies by Watch out for the mummy ♪ When you eat candy There is sugar in your tummy ♪ Enzymes breaking down into glucose ♪ Look out behind you That was too close ♪ Grab your masks Let's get on the ceilings ♪ When I say trick You say treat ♪ Trick, trick ♪ When I say trick You say treat ♪ Trick, trick ♪ Trick, trick ♪ When I say trick You say treat ♪ Trick, treat ♪ When I say trick You say treat ♪ And we want it now ♪ Call Scoob McDooby ♪ In trick or treat land ♪ Scoob McDooby is part of my crew ♪ Wolfman, Frankenstein ♪ Very scary two ♪ You didn't spill it Gather 'round ♪ Let's have the best Halloween in this whole town ♪ Some jack-o'-lanterns at our door ♪ Don't be scared of spooks galore ♪ Because once a year We roll the street ♪ It's Happy Hip-Hop Halloween ♪