Clerks (2000) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
[ Announcer .]
Ready to get swamped by our adoring fans? What's the matter, Spade? Nobody love you? [ High-pitched Voice .]
No.
After you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Randal is in the building.
- [ Coughing .]
- This can't be.
Maybe we're early.
Actually, we're ten minutes late.
Uh, hi, loyal fans.
I'm Dante and this is Randal.
We're the stars of the hit A.
B.
C.
cartoon Clerks, and we're ready to take your questions.
- Are you guys gay or what? - No! Next question.
Yeah.
I love the movie Clerks, but I think your show sucks hard.
It's in color, right, and nobody curses? It's nothing like the movie, with all the monkeys and the Little League stuff and the evil billionaire guy.
It's like it's on The Simpsons.
[ Homer Simpson-like .]
Doh! I also feel that you guys come off as gay on the show.
- Thank you.
- That wasn't even a question.
Yeah.
I wanted to ask you, how little you guys sold out for, and what it feels like to have no soul and a black heart? Oh, oh, and when will Ellen be guesting on your very gay show? - I can't believe it.
They hate the show.
- Yeah, and they think you're gay.
We have to do something.
We've gotta make the show more like the movie, quick! But why? The network thinks it's great, and the network would never let a bad show on the air, even if they owned it.
- Would they? - Boys and girls of America, from this point on I promise Clerks, the cartoon is going to be more like Clerks, the movie.
- Who are you talking to? - We're bringing it back to its roots.
You have my word.
Nothing but old school Clerks.
[ Goofy-like Laugh .]
We're keepin' it real, folks.
[ Ringing .]
- [ Dante .]
Hello? - [ Man .]
Neo, I've been looking for you.
- Are you ready to learn the truth about the Matrix? - What? [ Gasps .]
Oh, my God.
[ Groans .]
[ Screaming .]
[ Screaming .]
- Not off to a good start, are we? - Nope.
Come on.
Let's get to work.
I closed the shutters.
Hit the lights and we're out of here.
Thank God.
Man, what a day.
All you did was read Highlights for Children for 12 hours.
- I was doing research for our lawsuit.
- What lawsuit? You mean to tell me you don't notice the more than coincidental similarities between us and "Goofus and Gallant"? It's like someone's been co-opting our lives for publication.
- So, wanna catch a flick? - Can't.
- Dinner with the folks? Someone die? - Nope.
No.
- Gonna kill your folks? - God, no! - Did it ever occur to you I might have a date tonight? - Eww.
With your folks? Nope.
With Caitlin Bree.
Caitlin Bree? But she-- I know.
She cheated on me all the time and she broke my heart.
Well, she's changed.
And tonight could be the start of something good between us.
Yes, sir, things are looking up.
We're closed.
- Clerks, did youse guys see what's happening across the street? - No.
They're putting up some huge fair on the old Quicker Stop lot with pink cotton candy and guys all making out with each other.
It's so gay.
Wanna check it out, Silent Bob? - Did you hear anything about a fair? - No.
Man, youse gotta see how stupid it is over there.
They've got an animal exhibit, a freak show, and Alan Thicke is the guest of honor.
That is the gayest.
I gotta get back.
Holy crap! TV's Alan Thicke? - Wanna go check it out? - Well, I guess I got time.
- It is just across the street.
- [ Phone Ringing .]
Hey, boss.
Yeah.
Hold on a second.
Call waiting.
Hello? He's right here.
For you.
- Caitlin? - [ Man .]
Neo.
It's me again.
I'd still like to tell you what the Matrix is.
Hey, pal, if you don't leave me alone, I'm calling the cops.
I'm back, boss.
Yep.
Got it.
No problem.
Come on.
I wanna pop by the fair before I have to meet Caitlin.
We're not going anywhere.
The boss says because the fair's in town, - he wants us to stay open all night.
- What? All night? - What about the video store? - Nope.
He wants me to help you man this side.
I've told him before that if we stayed open all night, the video store can cater to the vampire and hooker crowds, but he never listens.
I can't believe this! I finally have a date with Caitlin and I can't go.
I better call her.
Open the shutters.
No way.
Those steel shutters are the only thing standing between us and certain doom if that Ferris wheel breaks loose and crashes into the store.
- Those rides are put together by junkies and alcoholics.
- No, they're not.
Do you guys sell Elmer's glue and thumbtacks? We're trying to put together a Tilt-A-Whirl.
Do you guys sell black tar heroin? - No and no.
- Well, rubber bands it is.
- There's no answer at Caitlin's.
- I know what'll cheer you up.
Let's just run over to the fair real quick, just to see Alan Thicke.
That was so gay, right, Silent Bob? Youse guys can totally skip the fair.
It's all spin art and pony rides for gay little kids.
How stupid.
- What are those? - Tickets.
We might as well finish 'em off.
Come on, Silent Bob.
Come on, man.
Spin art, not 30 feet away from us.
I've gotta try Caitlin again.
She's gonna think I stood her up.
Ah, the old stand-'em-up-and- make-'em-think-you-couldn't- care-less-about-'em.
Randal's first rule of dating etiquette.
You haven't had a date in two years.
Randal's second rule of dating etiquette.
- Hello, Caitlin? - [ High-pitched Voice .]
Hello, Dante.
How are you? - Are you okay, Caitlin? You sound a little sick.
- I'm not sick, Dante.
- [ Man .]
I just want to show you the truth about the Matrix, Neo.
- Good-bye! Mary, mother of God! I cut my hand on a rubber band.
Do you sell Band-Aids? Band-Aids is a brand name.
The proper term is "adhesive strips.
" The man is bleeding to death and you're getting into a semantics argument? Name brand word association is one of the more subtle threats to this nation's free trade.
It gives the larger, well-known companies an unfair advantage.
I'm doing my part to keep the playing field level by weaning people off referring to generic products with brand names.
- Way to show some backbone.
- No spine of Jell-O here, my friend.
- So, do you sell adhesive strips or what? - No.
Well, that's just great.
What are we gonna use to hold the merry-go-round together? Watch the store.
I'm just gonna run over to tell Caitlin I have to work.
Oh, no, back behind the counter, clerk.
Me and Walt are here to make a purchase from your sorry store.
Tell 'em, Steve-Dave.
We need some supplies.
Me and Walt plan on winning Alan Thicke's costume ball at the fair.
- Who are you going as? - What does it look like? Johnny Storm, the Human Torch, while Steve-Dave is a bounty hunter, cleverly dressed just like Steve-Dave, who catches the Torch and delivers him over to Victor Von Doom.
That's right.
We need lighter fluid and matches for Walt, and a burnt cork for a fake beard for me, got it? - Isn't that a little dangerous? - You're just jealous because me and Steve-Dave are having a sleepover after the fair at my mom's house.
Would you two stop it with the sleepovers already.
You're in your mid-twenties, for God's sakes.
You're just jealous because me and Steve-Dave are going to do body painting at the sleepover too, and play naked robber.
Uh, I'll have you know naked robber was one of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry's favorite party games.
Yo, Dante, that Caitlin Bree chick is over at the sucky fair with Dan Wiffler and they're looking for you.
- Did she say anything? - Something about going to have sex with Dan Wiffler.
I knew it.
She thinks I stood her up.
Quick.
I need you two to tell her I'm stuck at the store.
No time, man.
Me and Silent Bob have an appointment at the gorilla cage.
We've come to the conclusion that we need more gorillas in our empty lives.
That's it.
I'm walking across the street to that stupid fair and finding Caitlin.
Run for your lives! Someone let the gorillas loose and they're attacking everyone! - Oh, no, Caitlin! - Except Caitlin Bree and Dan Wiffler who are having sex in a car.
Oh, my God! Someone let the gorillas out of their cage at the fair! They're rampaging through downtown killing anyone in their paths.
- Are you gonna buy something? - I lost my purse in the shuffle.
Well, this ain't a museum, lady.
If you're not gonna buy anything, you've gotta leave.
But there's certain peril out there.
- Ferris wheel's broken loose? - No, the gorillas! Don't waste my time! Out! Out! - [ Woman Screaming .]
- Now, where was I? That you can't believe that Caitlin Bree is cheating on me again.
That we're not even dating officially yet, and the cycle has begun anew.
No, that wasn't it.
Oh, yeah.
See, the thing I don't get about Princess Leia is her sovereignty.
If you were her, wouldn't you be glad when Grand Moff Tarkin blew up Alderaan? I mean, you'd be queen at that point.
Her mom was dead before they blew up Alderaan, so wouldn't she be queen already? Ah, the whole movie's flawed, like that light saber stuff.
They turn it on and it goes yea-high.
How does it know when to stop? - Um, the Force? - Man, that's your answer for everything.
Wait a second.
Did that lady say gorillas were rampaging through downtown? - I wasn't paying attention.
- Maybe we should go see this ape rampage for ourselves.
- It is right outside.
Maybe I could find Caitlin.
- Sure, why not? Do you sell gum? [ Giggling .]
Um, yeah.
It's over there.
[ Giggling .]
[ Screaming .]
It's okay.
It's okay.
Don't worry.
We'll clean it up.
Yipes.
Just yipes.
Yeah.
Do you think they're cognizant of how bad they got it? Well, let's hope not, poor bastards.
I wanna send a dozen roses to Caitlin.
Lend me a couple bucks.
- Uh-uh-uh.
First you gotta press ham against the window.
- Fine.
Yipes.
Just yipes.
Yeah.
Do you think they're cognizant of how bad they've got it? Let's hope not.
Poor bastards.
Thank you.
Have a good fair.
One of us! One of us! [ Giggling .]
Check it out, Silent Bob.
Dante's parents came by to check on him.
Youse guys are missing the sweetest fair.
- I thought you said it sucked and was gay.
- It's getting better.
This guy with the realest beard I ever saw set another guy wrapped in tin foil on fire at the costume ball, and Alan Thicke made an awesome joke at their expense.
He's gotta be the funniest man alive.
Let's get back to the sucky fair, Silent Bob.
I wanna get in line for that Caitlin chick's kissing booth.
What? Caitlin has a kissing booth, like for charity? Yeah, only it don't cost nothing and it's not for charity.
And there's no booth.
And it's more than just kissing.
And you don't have to be a guy.
Dude, she's cheating on you.
So much for Dante and Caitlin II: Electric Boogaloo.
- I think I hate her.
- You know what I hate? Soccer.
Hockey is so much better.
- What does that have to do with Caitlin? - Everything.
- Like it's so stupid how they use nets in soccer.
- Hockey uses nets.
Yeah, but in soccer, the object is to get the ball past a goalie.
- That's so dumb.
- There are goalies in hockey too.
- Dude, Caitlin's cheating on you.
- [ Leonardo .]
Good evening, clerks.
I couldn't help but monitor your conversation about soccer - over the wire tap I've installed in your store.
- So? So, Mr.
Leonardo is hosting a party honoring the Brazilian men's soccer team this evening.
- Why? - Their plane went down on top of his building.
Yes, they'd already eaten two of their teammates before I discovered them.
I've been looking to set up an exhibition game for the survivors.
You'll never find anyone to play.
Who wants to play soccer? Soccer's for girls.
Ohhh.
I'll wager you one million dollars that my team beats you clerks without using their hands.
Oh, you're on.
How much you got in the register? Are you crazy? We can't beat the Brazilian soccer team.
Relax.
We have home field advantage.
And I know just where to play.
You know, we could just play on the roof.
No way.
That fair might distract us.
You ready? [ Trilling .]
Run! Is that a forfeit? [ Ringing .]
Quick Stop.
Yep.
Hey, it's for you.
I think it's your dad.
- Hello? - [ Man .]
Is your refrigerator running? - That's the oldest one in the book.
- Neo, please.
Let me tell you about the Matrix.
- No, I'm hanging up.
- Don't hang up.
We don't have to talk about the Matrix.
We could just talk about stuff: your favorite bands, chicks who've broken our hearts, uh, the Matrix.
[ Groans .]
This guy won't leave me alone.
- Well, let's crank call him.
- I don't have his number.
- Star 69, my friend.
- But isn't this guy supposed to be a master hacker? He probably figured out a way around Star 69.
Trust me, if I can't get around Star 69, no one can get around Star 69.
- 69-- [ Chuckles .]
- [ Line Ringing .]
- Hello? - Uh, hi, this is U.
S.
A.
Today.
We're polling Americans on their spelling acumen for one of those cool color graphs we do.
Can you please spell the phrase "I Cup"? - I don't understand the question.
- What's to understand? Just spell "I Cup.
" - I-- I don't get it.
- Man, "I-C-U-P!" Get it? You-- You do? What? Yeah, sure, whatever.
Bye.
- Good job.
- Well, at least we didn't get in trouble.
[ Man Over Bullhorn .]
This is the F.
B.
I.
You're under arrest for violating national security and spying on the president.
Come out with your hands up.
[ Caitlin Over Bullhorn .]
Dante, it's Caitlin.
If you can hear me, I'm getting married to a man I just met.
[ Ringing .]
One of us! One of us! [ Giggling .]
[ Man Over Bullhorn .]
We still have the place surrounded.
Come out with your hands up.
[ Caitlin .]
Dante, it's Caitlin again.
I want you to go wedding dress shopping with me and other emasculating activities that I can think of.
- You threatened the president? - Not today.
- Hey, does "emasculating" mean "cool"? - Um, yes.
[ President .]
Hey, you in there.
This is the president.
- Can you still see me pee? - What are we gonna do? Face the music, I guess.
Go out there, - look them in the eye and tell them you made the call.
- You made the call! - You made the call! - That's not gonna work.
With my record, they'll lock me up for life.
I've already got a few priors: harassing Rue McClanahan, threatening Estelle Getty, exposing myself to Bea Arthur.
I told you hating The Golden Girls would result in something like this.
I regret nothing.
Sic semper, Bea Arthur! Fine.
We'll surrender before they tear gas us.
Let's go.
I know I'm usually a wise-cracking smart aleck who's quick with the quips, but I don't mind telling you I'm really scared.
Man, get a room.
- How'd you get past the F.
B.
I.
and the president? - Oh, that was easy.
Getting past that Caitlin chick was tough, though.
She's one of those huggy chicks and kissy and-- - All right! - What the hell's going on out there? Oh, it's whacked, man.
The president was attacked by a couple of pinheads that looked like your parents.
Then an elephant trampled the president.
That Caitlin chick was making out with everyone whose name starts with the letter "J".
Sounds like they're gonna be pretty busy out there for a while.
You know what I meant to ask you? Do you think as a nation, we should stick with the electoral college or go back to one man, one vote? - Why do you ask? - Just trying to liven up the evening, I guess.
Holy crap! The freaks have declared war on the F.
B.
I.
And half the Brazilian soccer team just ate the other half.
And the guy at the popcorn stand was carried off by gorillas.
And that Caitlin chick was making out with everyone whose name starts with the letter "B".
Can I ask you a question? If you were Steven Tyler from Aerosmith for one night, and you could pretty much get any woman alive, who would you pick? - Oh, Caitlin.
- Her? Me, I'd pick Liv Tyler.
Dude, it's chaos out there! A bunch of hookers and vampires showed up looking to rent a movie, and when they saw the video store was closed, they bit the president.
And there's no one at the funnel cake stand.
Oh, and that Caitlin chick lifted the alphabetical stipulations, and was making out with everyone in sight.
Have you noticed something weird about tonight? Things seem a little off.
- How do you mean? - Man, oh, Manashevitz! The F.
B.
I.
had to graft the president's head to the body of a gorilla to save him from becoming a vampire.
He climbed up the Ferris wheel and it broke loose and crushed the elephant.
Then that Caitlin chick started making out with the Ferris wheel.
And look what Silent Bob and me found on the soccer team's bus.
Do you remember the days we used to sit around cursing like sailors, - talking about the minutiae of pop culture? - Hey, yeah.
Sometimes we'd play some hockey on the roof or knock a casket over at a funeral, but other than that, our lives were a lot less episodic.
Although Caitlin was still a pretty big whore.
One of us! One of us! [ Giggling .]
I think we need to take a stand, Randal.
Let's just stay in here and ignore what sounds like too much plot outside.
Under no circumstance, no matter what's going on out there, do we step one foot outside that door.
- Agreed? - Agreed.
Dude, I think someone just keyed your car.
What? Oh, that's it! We're going outside.
Come on, Randal! Here we go.
- What's all this? - It's the Matrix, Neo.
I am not Neo and this is not the Matrix.
Oh, yeah? Beef jerky.
The Matrix is telling my brain this is turkey jerky.
Now let's try Asian porn stars.
Asian porn stars! Hey, what's going on? Rembrandt, wake up! I said Asian porn stars.
Hop to it.
[ Techno .]
Okay, ha-ha.
We don't fit into these surroundings at all.
Lips or hips? Uh, hips.
All right, you slop artist.
Knock it off! Don't insult him, man.
You might make him mad.
Relax.
We're the stars of this picture.
He's gotta treat us with dignity.
Make me look like I'm supposed to, now! Do I look like a slacker? I ain't laughing here.
- This is all wrong! - Maybe.
- But when in Rome-- - [ Screaming .]
Hey, check it out.
Caddyshack.
Now we're talking.
[ Imitating Bill Murray .]
Na-na-na-na-na-na.
He's a Cinderella boy.
[ Screaming .]
We gotta find a way out of here.
There's something.
Uh-oh.
It's the writer's room.
[ Snoring .]
Hey, guys, I got the funniest idea ever! How 'bout we send them to Gilligan's Island and make gay jokes about them the whole episode? It's pretty warm on this island, eh, little buddy? - I'm gonna take my shirt off.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, no, must fight this.
Look, mac, if you're gonna fool around, how 'bout putting us in a cartoon with some chicks so maybe we could score? [ Gasps .]
What is this guy's fascination with gay jokes? As long as middle America is unprejudiced and open-minded, we ain't going anywhere.
[ Together .]
Oh, brother.
- This is humiliating.
- Eh, could be worse.
How? How could it ever be worse? Welcome to the three-hour version of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? [ Screaming .]
Ain't I a stinker? Naga-naga-nooch!
Ready to get swamped by our adoring fans? What's the matter, Spade? Nobody love you? [ High-pitched Voice .]
No.
After you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Randal is in the building.
- [ Coughing .]
- This can't be.
Maybe we're early.
Actually, we're ten minutes late.
Uh, hi, loyal fans.
I'm Dante and this is Randal.
We're the stars of the hit A.
B.
C.
cartoon Clerks, and we're ready to take your questions.
- Are you guys gay or what? - No! Next question.
Yeah.
I love the movie Clerks, but I think your show sucks hard.
It's in color, right, and nobody curses? It's nothing like the movie, with all the monkeys and the Little League stuff and the evil billionaire guy.
It's like it's on The Simpsons.
[ Homer Simpson-like .]
Doh! I also feel that you guys come off as gay on the show.
- Thank you.
- That wasn't even a question.
Yeah.
I wanted to ask you, how little you guys sold out for, and what it feels like to have no soul and a black heart? Oh, oh, and when will Ellen be guesting on your very gay show? - I can't believe it.
They hate the show.
- Yeah, and they think you're gay.
We have to do something.
We've gotta make the show more like the movie, quick! But why? The network thinks it's great, and the network would never let a bad show on the air, even if they owned it.
- Would they? - Boys and girls of America, from this point on I promise Clerks, the cartoon is going to be more like Clerks, the movie.
- Who are you talking to? - We're bringing it back to its roots.
You have my word.
Nothing but old school Clerks.
[ Goofy-like Laugh .]
We're keepin' it real, folks.
[ Ringing .]
- [ Dante .]
Hello? - [ Man .]
Neo, I've been looking for you.
- Are you ready to learn the truth about the Matrix? - What? [ Gasps .]
Oh, my God.
[ Groans .]
[ Screaming .]
[ Screaming .]
- Not off to a good start, are we? - Nope.
Come on.
Let's get to work.
I closed the shutters.
Hit the lights and we're out of here.
Thank God.
Man, what a day.
All you did was read Highlights for Children for 12 hours.
- I was doing research for our lawsuit.
- What lawsuit? You mean to tell me you don't notice the more than coincidental similarities between us and "Goofus and Gallant"? It's like someone's been co-opting our lives for publication.
- So, wanna catch a flick? - Can't.
- Dinner with the folks? Someone die? - Nope.
No.
- Gonna kill your folks? - God, no! - Did it ever occur to you I might have a date tonight? - Eww.
With your folks? Nope.
With Caitlin Bree.
Caitlin Bree? But she-- I know.
She cheated on me all the time and she broke my heart.
Well, she's changed.
And tonight could be the start of something good between us.
Yes, sir, things are looking up.
We're closed.
- Clerks, did youse guys see what's happening across the street? - No.
They're putting up some huge fair on the old Quicker Stop lot with pink cotton candy and guys all making out with each other.
It's so gay.
Wanna check it out, Silent Bob? - Did you hear anything about a fair? - No.
Man, youse gotta see how stupid it is over there.
They've got an animal exhibit, a freak show, and Alan Thicke is the guest of honor.
That is the gayest.
I gotta get back.
Holy crap! TV's Alan Thicke? - Wanna go check it out? - Well, I guess I got time.
- It is just across the street.
- [ Phone Ringing .]
Hey, boss.
Yeah.
Hold on a second.
Call waiting.
Hello? He's right here.
For you.
- Caitlin? - [ Man .]
Neo.
It's me again.
I'd still like to tell you what the Matrix is.
Hey, pal, if you don't leave me alone, I'm calling the cops.
I'm back, boss.
Yep.
Got it.
No problem.
Come on.
I wanna pop by the fair before I have to meet Caitlin.
We're not going anywhere.
The boss says because the fair's in town, - he wants us to stay open all night.
- What? All night? - What about the video store? - Nope.
He wants me to help you man this side.
I've told him before that if we stayed open all night, the video store can cater to the vampire and hooker crowds, but he never listens.
I can't believe this! I finally have a date with Caitlin and I can't go.
I better call her.
Open the shutters.
No way.
Those steel shutters are the only thing standing between us and certain doom if that Ferris wheel breaks loose and crashes into the store.
- Those rides are put together by junkies and alcoholics.
- No, they're not.
Do you guys sell Elmer's glue and thumbtacks? We're trying to put together a Tilt-A-Whirl.
Do you guys sell black tar heroin? - No and no.
- Well, rubber bands it is.
- There's no answer at Caitlin's.
- I know what'll cheer you up.
Let's just run over to the fair real quick, just to see Alan Thicke.
That was so gay, right, Silent Bob? Youse guys can totally skip the fair.
It's all spin art and pony rides for gay little kids.
How stupid.
- What are those? - Tickets.
We might as well finish 'em off.
Come on, Silent Bob.
Come on, man.
Spin art, not 30 feet away from us.
I've gotta try Caitlin again.
She's gonna think I stood her up.
Ah, the old stand-'em-up-and- make-'em-think-you-couldn't- care-less-about-'em.
Randal's first rule of dating etiquette.
You haven't had a date in two years.
Randal's second rule of dating etiquette.
- Hello, Caitlin? - [ High-pitched Voice .]
Hello, Dante.
How are you? - Are you okay, Caitlin? You sound a little sick.
- I'm not sick, Dante.
- [ Man .]
I just want to show you the truth about the Matrix, Neo.
- Good-bye! Mary, mother of God! I cut my hand on a rubber band.
Do you sell Band-Aids? Band-Aids is a brand name.
The proper term is "adhesive strips.
" The man is bleeding to death and you're getting into a semantics argument? Name brand word association is one of the more subtle threats to this nation's free trade.
It gives the larger, well-known companies an unfair advantage.
I'm doing my part to keep the playing field level by weaning people off referring to generic products with brand names.
- Way to show some backbone.
- No spine of Jell-O here, my friend.
- So, do you sell adhesive strips or what? - No.
Well, that's just great.
What are we gonna use to hold the merry-go-round together? Watch the store.
I'm just gonna run over to tell Caitlin I have to work.
Oh, no, back behind the counter, clerk.
Me and Walt are here to make a purchase from your sorry store.
Tell 'em, Steve-Dave.
We need some supplies.
Me and Walt plan on winning Alan Thicke's costume ball at the fair.
- Who are you going as? - What does it look like? Johnny Storm, the Human Torch, while Steve-Dave is a bounty hunter, cleverly dressed just like Steve-Dave, who catches the Torch and delivers him over to Victor Von Doom.
That's right.
We need lighter fluid and matches for Walt, and a burnt cork for a fake beard for me, got it? - Isn't that a little dangerous? - You're just jealous because me and Steve-Dave are having a sleepover after the fair at my mom's house.
Would you two stop it with the sleepovers already.
You're in your mid-twenties, for God's sakes.
You're just jealous because me and Steve-Dave are going to do body painting at the sleepover too, and play naked robber.
Uh, I'll have you know naked robber was one of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry's favorite party games.
Yo, Dante, that Caitlin Bree chick is over at the sucky fair with Dan Wiffler and they're looking for you.
- Did she say anything? - Something about going to have sex with Dan Wiffler.
I knew it.
She thinks I stood her up.
Quick.
I need you two to tell her I'm stuck at the store.
No time, man.
Me and Silent Bob have an appointment at the gorilla cage.
We've come to the conclusion that we need more gorillas in our empty lives.
That's it.
I'm walking across the street to that stupid fair and finding Caitlin.
Run for your lives! Someone let the gorillas loose and they're attacking everyone! - Oh, no, Caitlin! - Except Caitlin Bree and Dan Wiffler who are having sex in a car.
Oh, my God! Someone let the gorillas out of their cage at the fair! They're rampaging through downtown killing anyone in their paths.
- Are you gonna buy something? - I lost my purse in the shuffle.
Well, this ain't a museum, lady.
If you're not gonna buy anything, you've gotta leave.
But there's certain peril out there.
- Ferris wheel's broken loose? - No, the gorillas! Don't waste my time! Out! Out! - [ Woman Screaming .]
- Now, where was I? That you can't believe that Caitlin Bree is cheating on me again.
That we're not even dating officially yet, and the cycle has begun anew.
No, that wasn't it.
Oh, yeah.
See, the thing I don't get about Princess Leia is her sovereignty.
If you were her, wouldn't you be glad when Grand Moff Tarkin blew up Alderaan? I mean, you'd be queen at that point.
Her mom was dead before they blew up Alderaan, so wouldn't she be queen already? Ah, the whole movie's flawed, like that light saber stuff.
They turn it on and it goes yea-high.
How does it know when to stop? - Um, the Force? - Man, that's your answer for everything.
Wait a second.
Did that lady say gorillas were rampaging through downtown? - I wasn't paying attention.
- Maybe we should go see this ape rampage for ourselves.
- It is right outside.
Maybe I could find Caitlin.
- Sure, why not? Do you sell gum? [ Giggling .]
Um, yeah.
It's over there.
[ Giggling .]
[ Screaming .]
It's okay.
It's okay.
Don't worry.
We'll clean it up.
Yipes.
Just yipes.
Yeah.
Do you think they're cognizant of how bad they got it? Well, let's hope not, poor bastards.
I wanna send a dozen roses to Caitlin.
Lend me a couple bucks.
- Uh-uh-uh.
First you gotta press ham against the window.
- Fine.
Yipes.
Just yipes.
Yeah.
Do you think they're cognizant of how bad they've got it? Let's hope not.
Poor bastards.
Thank you.
Have a good fair.
One of us! One of us! [ Giggling .]
Check it out, Silent Bob.
Dante's parents came by to check on him.
Youse guys are missing the sweetest fair.
- I thought you said it sucked and was gay.
- It's getting better.
This guy with the realest beard I ever saw set another guy wrapped in tin foil on fire at the costume ball, and Alan Thicke made an awesome joke at their expense.
He's gotta be the funniest man alive.
Let's get back to the sucky fair, Silent Bob.
I wanna get in line for that Caitlin chick's kissing booth.
What? Caitlin has a kissing booth, like for charity? Yeah, only it don't cost nothing and it's not for charity.
And there's no booth.
And it's more than just kissing.
And you don't have to be a guy.
Dude, she's cheating on you.
So much for Dante and Caitlin II: Electric Boogaloo.
- I think I hate her.
- You know what I hate? Soccer.
Hockey is so much better.
- What does that have to do with Caitlin? - Everything.
- Like it's so stupid how they use nets in soccer.
- Hockey uses nets.
Yeah, but in soccer, the object is to get the ball past a goalie.
- That's so dumb.
- There are goalies in hockey too.
- Dude, Caitlin's cheating on you.
- [ Leonardo .]
Good evening, clerks.
I couldn't help but monitor your conversation about soccer - over the wire tap I've installed in your store.
- So? So, Mr.
Leonardo is hosting a party honoring the Brazilian men's soccer team this evening.
- Why? - Their plane went down on top of his building.
Yes, they'd already eaten two of their teammates before I discovered them.
I've been looking to set up an exhibition game for the survivors.
You'll never find anyone to play.
Who wants to play soccer? Soccer's for girls.
Ohhh.
I'll wager you one million dollars that my team beats you clerks without using their hands.
Oh, you're on.
How much you got in the register? Are you crazy? We can't beat the Brazilian soccer team.
Relax.
We have home field advantage.
And I know just where to play.
You know, we could just play on the roof.
No way.
That fair might distract us.
You ready? [ Trilling .]
Run! Is that a forfeit? [ Ringing .]
Quick Stop.
Yep.
Hey, it's for you.
I think it's your dad.
- Hello? - [ Man .]
Is your refrigerator running? - That's the oldest one in the book.
- Neo, please.
Let me tell you about the Matrix.
- No, I'm hanging up.
- Don't hang up.
We don't have to talk about the Matrix.
We could just talk about stuff: your favorite bands, chicks who've broken our hearts, uh, the Matrix.
[ Groans .]
This guy won't leave me alone.
- Well, let's crank call him.
- I don't have his number.
- Star 69, my friend.
- But isn't this guy supposed to be a master hacker? He probably figured out a way around Star 69.
Trust me, if I can't get around Star 69, no one can get around Star 69.
- 69-- [ Chuckles .]
- [ Line Ringing .]
- Hello? - Uh, hi, this is U.
S.
A.
Today.
We're polling Americans on their spelling acumen for one of those cool color graphs we do.
Can you please spell the phrase "I Cup"? - I don't understand the question.
- What's to understand? Just spell "I Cup.
" - I-- I don't get it.
- Man, "I-C-U-P!" Get it? You-- You do? What? Yeah, sure, whatever.
Bye.
- Good job.
- Well, at least we didn't get in trouble.
[ Man Over Bullhorn .]
This is the F.
B.
I.
You're under arrest for violating national security and spying on the president.
Come out with your hands up.
[ Caitlin Over Bullhorn .]
Dante, it's Caitlin.
If you can hear me, I'm getting married to a man I just met.
[ Ringing .]
One of us! One of us! [ Giggling .]
[ Man Over Bullhorn .]
We still have the place surrounded.
Come out with your hands up.
[ Caitlin .]
Dante, it's Caitlin again.
I want you to go wedding dress shopping with me and other emasculating activities that I can think of.
- You threatened the president? - Not today.
- Hey, does "emasculating" mean "cool"? - Um, yes.
[ President .]
Hey, you in there.
This is the president.
- Can you still see me pee? - What are we gonna do? Face the music, I guess.
Go out there, - look them in the eye and tell them you made the call.
- You made the call! - You made the call! - That's not gonna work.
With my record, they'll lock me up for life.
I've already got a few priors: harassing Rue McClanahan, threatening Estelle Getty, exposing myself to Bea Arthur.
I told you hating The Golden Girls would result in something like this.
I regret nothing.
Sic semper, Bea Arthur! Fine.
We'll surrender before they tear gas us.
Let's go.
I know I'm usually a wise-cracking smart aleck who's quick with the quips, but I don't mind telling you I'm really scared.
Man, get a room.
- How'd you get past the F.
B.
I.
and the president? - Oh, that was easy.
Getting past that Caitlin chick was tough, though.
She's one of those huggy chicks and kissy and-- - All right! - What the hell's going on out there? Oh, it's whacked, man.
The president was attacked by a couple of pinheads that looked like your parents.
Then an elephant trampled the president.
That Caitlin chick was making out with everyone whose name starts with the letter "J".
Sounds like they're gonna be pretty busy out there for a while.
You know what I meant to ask you? Do you think as a nation, we should stick with the electoral college or go back to one man, one vote? - Why do you ask? - Just trying to liven up the evening, I guess.
Holy crap! The freaks have declared war on the F.
B.
I.
And half the Brazilian soccer team just ate the other half.
And the guy at the popcorn stand was carried off by gorillas.
And that Caitlin chick was making out with everyone whose name starts with the letter "B".
Can I ask you a question? If you were Steven Tyler from Aerosmith for one night, and you could pretty much get any woman alive, who would you pick? - Oh, Caitlin.
- Her? Me, I'd pick Liv Tyler.
Dude, it's chaos out there! A bunch of hookers and vampires showed up looking to rent a movie, and when they saw the video store was closed, they bit the president.
And there's no one at the funnel cake stand.
Oh, and that Caitlin chick lifted the alphabetical stipulations, and was making out with everyone in sight.
Have you noticed something weird about tonight? Things seem a little off.
- How do you mean? - Man, oh, Manashevitz! The F.
B.
I.
had to graft the president's head to the body of a gorilla to save him from becoming a vampire.
He climbed up the Ferris wheel and it broke loose and crushed the elephant.
Then that Caitlin chick started making out with the Ferris wheel.
And look what Silent Bob and me found on the soccer team's bus.
Do you remember the days we used to sit around cursing like sailors, - talking about the minutiae of pop culture? - Hey, yeah.
Sometimes we'd play some hockey on the roof or knock a casket over at a funeral, but other than that, our lives were a lot less episodic.
Although Caitlin was still a pretty big whore.
One of us! One of us! [ Giggling .]
I think we need to take a stand, Randal.
Let's just stay in here and ignore what sounds like too much plot outside.
Under no circumstance, no matter what's going on out there, do we step one foot outside that door.
- Agreed? - Agreed.
Dude, I think someone just keyed your car.
What? Oh, that's it! We're going outside.
Come on, Randal! Here we go.
- What's all this? - It's the Matrix, Neo.
I am not Neo and this is not the Matrix.
Oh, yeah? Beef jerky.
The Matrix is telling my brain this is turkey jerky.
Now let's try Asian porn stars.
Asian porn stars! Hey, what's going on? Rembrandt, wake up! I said Asian porn stars.
Hop to it.
[ Techno .]
Okay, ha-ha.
We don't fit into these surroundings at all.
Lips or hips? Uh, hips.
All right, you slop artist.
Knock it off! Don't insult him, man.
You might make him mad.
Relax.
We're the stars of this picture.
He's gotta treat us with dignity.
Make me look like I'm supposed to, now! Do I look like a slacker? I ain't laughing here.
- This is all wrong! - Maybe.
- But when in Rome-- - [ Screaming .]
Hey, check it out.
Caddyshack.
Now we're talking.
[ Imitating Bill Murray .]
Na-na-na-na-na-na.
He's a Cinderella boy.
[ Screaming .]
We gotta find a way out of here.
There's something.
Uh-oh.
It's the writer's room.
[ Snoring .]
Hey, guys, I got the funniest idea ever! How 'bout we send them to Gilligan's Island and make gay jokes about them the whole episode? It's pretty warm on this island, eh, little buddy? - I'm gonna take my shirt off.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, no, must fight this.
Look, mac, if you're gonna fool around, how 'bout putting us in a cartoon with some chicks so maybe we could score? [ Gasps .]
What is this guy's fascination with gay jokes? As long as middle America is unprejudiced and open-minded, we ain't going anywhere.
[ Together .]
Oh, brother.
- This is humiliating.
- Eh, could be worse.
How? How could it ever be worse? Welcome to the three-hour version of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? [ Screaming .]
Ain't I a stinker? Naga-naga-nooch!