Cockroaches (2014) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
They're called The Spectrum.
A savage stampede of cannibal women.
One person's dead, another's missing.
Come back! I like your dressing gowns.
I'm Ash.
You're pleased! You love that she likes you! ASH: You call us Spectrum.
Agh! Laura! Tom! Surrender or die! You've got a week to decide.
(THUNDER CRASHES) (YELLS) (VOICES ARGUING) If we don't go after Spectrum, Tom and Laura will die.
If we split up, if we attack them, all of us will die.
But they took my feeble, helpless baby! And Laura, but she can handle herself.
It's too risky.
We're safe here.
No, we're not.
Spectrum are coming back.
(FELIX GRUNTS) Felix! That's kind of my stuff.
(BELLOWS) Calmly, la! Here, here.
Pet this sausage dog.
I'm going after my family.
We are not throwing everything away on a suicide mission.
Here you go.
This is the safest place in Agh! (SCREAMS) Jennifer! It's OK.
Lightning never strikes twice (CHUCKLES) Agh! Get off! Ow! Daddy! Laura! Laura! Let go! Daddy! Laura! (MEN CHANTING) Food! Food! What about them, eh? There's no normal people any more.
Noticed that? No solid, three-star guys.
Blokes who owned a biggish watch and occasionally drank Guinness.
Now everyone's making jewellery out of someone else's teeth.
I hate you! You fell in love with Ash.
What about Mummy?/ All right! What about your mum and Oscar? I just had a few bad thoughts.
You can't punish me for that you're not God.
Who even is God? Can I check with your mum before I answer that question? Is this like Father Christmas-gate, when you said he was dead? The North Pole melted.
He's got nowhere to go.
He can fly away on his sleigh.
How? To survive the radiation, right, he's been in his toy factory for six years, minimum.
He's eaten his flying reindeer and his elves and his pointless wife.
But I was wrong cos Father Christmas is magic.
And magic makes anything possible.
That's right.
Settling in? Why are you doing this? Is this some kind of feminist thing? Does that intimidate you? I don't know.
Maybe you want to tame an alpha male.
And that alpha male isyou? Yeah.
I'm relatively tonk.
I'm sexually magnetic, as we've seen.
(CLICKS TONGUE) I don't care who's downwind of a fart.
I'm 100 per cent prime rib.
So if you're thinking of humiliating me, think again.
Bacon sandwich? Oh, God, yes! Please, pretty please! Ohh! Mmm! Go on, Dad.
Hit her! Your dad wouldn't hit a woman.
Yes, he would.
I wouldn't.
He hits me and Mummy all the time.
ErI really, really don't.
You're such a coward.
Urgh.
Is that a nipple? Eat it.
I wanna fatten you up just like these little piggies.
Right, I feel like you want me to acknowledge how creepy you sound.
I'm a jowl girl, but I've heard great things about this cut, the font color="# Or is it the gock? Urgh! Urgh.
Did you just take my cannibal cherry? Put something on the end of it, yeah? Yeah, mate! TOM: Oscar! I am JK, King of the Gypsies! (FANFARE) Is that meant to be Jeremy Kyle? Four kids of my own.
Keep the livestock entertained and the meat just falls of the bone.
Happy pigs, Happy Meals.
Welcome to the show.
Put something on the end of it, bruv! (CHANTING) Put something on the end of it! Put something on the end of it! Put something on the end of it! Put something on the end of it! Put something on the end of it! Their tracks could go on for miles.
Really we need transport.
The car? I crashed it.
The quadbikes? I threw them in the quarry, one by one.
It's been a bad week.
So where can we find a fast, agile 4x4 to slip under the radar? Well, there is one option.
Oh, Susan, it's perfect.
I found some petrol in the boot.
I'll fill the old queen up.
Hen nights.
(GROANS) You always get stuck with the drunk girl who goes out of her way to tell you why she never gives blow jobs, the one who's hit 30 like a brick wall.
Hen nights can't be that bad? You've never had a naked butler dip his balls in your pudding.
Ooh, pinch me! I've found the mother load.
Upmarket perry and a boxful of knickers.
(SNIFFS) Randal! Come on! They're edible.
I knew that.
Yeah, I'm a gastronome, that's why I was smelling them.
"Ooh, what a bouquet!" is what I was implying.
Next stop: revenge, ladies.
Put your foot down.
Laura's out there somewhere.
Let's put some meat on the bone of this story.
Come on! You said that she said that you said that she said that you said Don't Look at me! Look at me! Why didn't you eat him? Oscar's useful.
He's charismatic.
The lie-detector tests are in.
Plus, we did a taste test, and he is repulsive.
He gave someone salmonella.
(DRUM ROLL) Well, well, well, well.
It turns out, you were lying! (MEN GASP) Ohh, never! Never! You're just a boy, Tony! Kill him! Kill him! (YELLS) Put something on the end of it! This is my show! My name in the title, bitches! My show! The JK Kyle Show! Don't look at me, Tony! Look at me! Are you not entertained? Yeah! Where are you going? Just for a jog.
Bit of cardio.
Eating all that human man has gone straight to my hips.
# Grab it hard (DUBSTEP MUSIC) God, I'm a terrible mother.
No, I am.
But it's just so hard, Stevie.
I really admire you, babe.
I found another bottle! Whooo! Yes, we get it! Brap brap, Dorothy.
Welcome to Oz.
Stay back, Laura.
Afraid of my trident? It's a glorified hoe.
Yeah, well.
Speaking of hoes where's yours at, fanny? You ain't nothing without Suze.
Oh, yeah? What's to stop me winning the trust of your prisoners and leading a revolution to shake this society to its very foundations? Magic mushrooms.
They call me The Fun Guy.
How are they magic? Believe, ya.
See this? This is called Insania.
One of these, you'll be totally hamstered.
Turned mandem into Mickey Mouse.
The rainbows, the shows that's how you keep those men under control.
They're Baked.
Mashed.
Hashtag spangled.
Shit, I envy them.
But Spectrum live by the candy-man's code.
Page one of the rulebook.
Know it? Yes, obviously.
I'm a pimp.
A watched pot never boils.
Never get high on your own supply.
Dad, you're falling apart.
Hell, I'd keep you alive, just to have someone to rinse.
But that way, I'd be letting you off the meat hook.
I'd rather be in that rank cage with those mouth-breathing mushroom-junkies than safe, warm, well-fed and working for Spectrum.
I wouldn't.
I'm your dad.
You can't leave me alone with the fat men.
You shouldn't negatively stereotype body shapes, you lanky git.
Sha-boi! You just got served a plate of your own ass! How'd it taste? I want to join Spectrum.
Then you better speak to the boss.
Hello! Jackpot! I surrender.
Ohh! (WHISTLES) Liberty caps.
Took one of these in Truro, ended up crawling seven miles just to giggle at a village called Cocks.
I found this bleach in the limo.
Bleach? What were those women planning in there? Believe me, you don't want to know.
I'll combine it with acetone in these cosmetics to make c To knock the guards unconscious.
And I'll use the rest of the bleach to fill these water pistols.
Let's font col Water-pistol willies.
Those hens and their risque sense of humour.
It's so silly.
I love it! We're relying on the element of surprise.
Yamato, get these chocolate handcuffs melting.
Let's hit them with a little bit of theatre.
Whoo! Aren't you still angry with me? I thought you wanted to beat me up? Mum says getting angry is easy.
It's a bad habit.
How do I know you won't stab me in the back to try and save your dad? I don't mix business with family.
We'll see.
Let the games begin.
The throne-room.
How d'you like it? Yeah.
Very er very snazzy.
I'm trying to drag cannibalism into the 21st century.
Thank you very much.
Listen I get it.
You hate men.
And a pack of shaggers like me and the lads, we're heartbreakers.
You ladies want revenge.
This isn't about gender.
I'd offer you a job but you crammed your font color=" and I'm not having this office party getting lungey.
(WHOOPING AND CHEERING) Five boxes.
Five contestants.
One game that could change a life! Welcome to the Dream Factory! (WHOOPING AND CHEERING) (BIRDLIKE SCREECH) Hello! (RANDAL HISSES, GUARD SCREAMS) Well, that waselaborate.
Gentlemen, show me your boxes.
(WHOOPING AND CHEERING) Now, Ash, tell me, are you nervous? Do you have a strategy, a tactical game plan? Tactics? It's blind luck.
I think me and Number 3 formed a real bond when I force-fed him the guys from his life-drawing class.
You have selected Box Number 3.
Oh, my days! What a roller coaster ride! Number 3, you're back to the cage.
Hush now, the phone is ringing.
Ring-a-ding-ding.
Ring-a-ding-ding.
'Sup, bruv? The phone isn't even plugged in.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
He is a dick.
Mm, yeah.
Mm.
All right.
Bye.
Can we get this bullshit over with, so I can get back to my sty? You know the prize, what you win, right? If you get the golden ticket, we unlock your chains and set you font color="#00f OSCAR: Yeah.
Ooh! Hello, Tracy.
(MUFFLED CRY) Good night, sweetheart.
Now for the main room.
We gotta take them out armed only with some bows and arrow a French maid's cossie and a pair of nipple tassels.
How do we do that? Never fear, Susan.
One of us mentioning no names can grab their attention voila.
Come on! Feel the force.
OSCAR: Focus, Ash, focus.
Positive energy! Come on.
4! Yes! Ohh! Oh, you've been a great player, by the way.
I hope you win.
You deserve it.
Best of luck, mate.
Cheers, thanks then.
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! I'm free! I'm free, yes! In your face! Yes! That's not a ticket, Tom.
What? Number 2, let's complete the game.
(CHEERING AND WHOOPING) Thanks very much.
See you later, guys.
Take care.
Look after yourself.
That's piri-piri.
Dad! OSCAR: That's right, pussy whore.
You better piri-piri up them digits.
Cos I'm gonna play wing roulette with your fingers, bruv! Ain't so jokes now, is it? Time to go put on my rape bib.
(WOMEN LAUGH) I knew this game was rigged! You set me up, sitting there like some sexy Jesus.
Just get him in the oven.
You're gonna cook me alive? Why d'you have to be such a bitch? There it is.
The textbook misogynist.
Guys think it's all about them.
I wear nice clothes and apparently I'm dressing for men.
I get into shape, go out dancing and suddenly I'm trying to find a font color=" I find a boyfriend, jail-break his phone, misinterpret one text message and end up paying for a plane to fly a massive banner over his sister's font col saying, "Ben Hackett is a lying three-inch prick!" Suddenly I'm the crazy bitch? Crazy? No! No! Yeah, you told him, sister.
Just get him to the oven.
Let him go! It's OK, Laura.
Don't be scared.
I'm not scared, I'm angry! Angry? WaitI can't feel my face.
Did you spike my drink? (ECHOING) I spiked everyone's drink.
Do your magic.
You've all been drinking Insania! You sick, twisted little monster! Seriously, just examine that sentence.
Oh, just get him cooking! Don't you wanna season me first? What about a marinade? Ahem! (WOMEN GIGGLE) What the hell? Felix! Oh, don't all start passing out! I had a whole dance routine planned.
Oh, puddle duck! Felix! No-oo! (GIGGLES) Well, would you look at that? Nipple tassel saved my life.
That's quality craftsmanship.
SUZE: Oi! D'you know your problem? You're the kind of girl that gets her flatmates' attention by pretending to be anorexic, then sneaks into the communal fridge at night and eats all their fucking cheese.
That is scarily accurate.
Yes! Any minute now, they are all gonna turn into Mickey Mouse! Well, if I know anything about Liberty Caps, which I do, these poor mares are heading into a drug-induced coma.
It's magic! It's brain damage.
You mean they're all OK, let's leave the nice ladies to have a long, long sleep, hm? No, he was saying that they're all dead.
Randal! What about Daddy? He's in there! (COUGHING) Oh, oh! Thank God.
Where are your clothes? You mean, you didn't go in there naked? It was hot.
It was getting seriously sweaty in there.
Shall I go and get them? Yeah.
Tom? Go.
I'll catch up.
Dad, what are you doing? You called me a coward and you were right.
I don't want to be a coward font colo Tom! Come on, you're free.
Hurry! Noel's back.
And this time, it's my house party.
Come on, let's take a walk to Crinkly Bottom, bruv.
Agh! Agh! Gotcha! I've waited a long time to do this.
It's time to meet the banker.
(CHOKES) There's an arrow in my neck.
Man, that's cringe.
Help me.
You utter queef! Shit! I was aiming for his leg.
Tom! (TOM WINCES) That was just like in Under Siege.
The Steven Seagal movie? You're learning, love.
Agh! Oh, no, Tom! No, no, no, Tom, Tom! Tom! Oh, fuck! Tom! Tom, please.
Tom! Tom, look at me! I love you.
Are you saying that cos you're afraid? Afraid of losing you.
Daddy! Tom? Tom! Happy birthday.
I brought you some lukewarm Polish lagers.
Ooh, what a treat! How was your summer? Average, you know.
I got a job at Blockbuster's.
I thought they went bust? A job demolishing a Blockbuster's.
Was it a bit like destroying your childhood? Yeah, kind of.
Like wanking in my Thunderbirds pyjamas which I do not still font color="#00f How was France? Yeah, it was OK.
Amazing how far you can get on just, like, "Bof".
I told you.
French is just Pretentious shrugging, I know.
(CHUCKLES) Turns out Oscar was staying in the same part of Paris.
Oscar? Jesus.
Yeah, it was OK, actually.
So I was taking a sledgehammer to the action films Oh.
.
.
and I got to thinking, that if you ever wanted to go bowling in a font color=" What? Oh, Tom, I didn't know.
Why didn't you tell me before? You know me, I like to play it cool.
The thing is, I'm seeing Oscar.
Oscar? Oscar Oscar? Why? He's very emotionally intelligent.
What, as opposed to intelligent intelligent? Yeah, to be honest, it is more of a physical thing.
He has got an amazing OK, I'm just gonna crank this thing up.
Oh, if you're thinking of playing 21 Seconds, I played it earlier.
Bombed.
# YOUNG FATHERS: No Way.
Oh, Young Fathers! I love this band.
Yeah, they're really um They er they some Sorry, as in Oscar-Oscar-Oscar? Blame Paris.
The City of Love.
The City of Bullshit.
Hey! We can still be friends, right? Yeah, yeah.
Like, it was just an idea.
It's not like I love youloads.
Hey.
Smile.
Will Daddy be OK? Oh, I hope so, sweetheart.
Randal, those aren't edible.
They're my actual knickers.
But I'm halfway through the gusset.
Randal, that's disgusting! Mummy, are we there yet? Laura, seriously? # At the end of a highway # There's no place you can go # But just tell me you love me # And you are only mine # And our love will go on # Till the end of time Oscar: Jesus will rise again!
A savage stampede of cannibal women.
One person's dead, another's missing.
Come back! I like your dressing gowns.
I'm Ash.
You're pleased! You love that she likes you! ASH: You call us Spectrum.
Agh! Laura! Tom! Surrender or die! You've got a week to decide.
(THUNDER CRASHES) (YELLS) (VOICES ARGUING) If we don't go after Spectrum, Tom and Laura will die.
If we split up, if we attack them, all of us will die.
But they took my feeble, helpless baby! And Laura, but she can handle herself.
It's too risky.
We're safe here.
No, we're not.
Spectrum are coming back.
(FELIX GRUNTS) Felix! That's kind of my stuff.
(BELLOWS) Calmly, la! Here, here.
Pet this sausage dog.
I'm going after my family.
We are not throwing everything away on a suicide mission.
Here you go.
This is the safest place in Agh! (SCREAMS) Jennifer! It's OK.
Lightning never strikes twice (CHUCKLES) Agh! Get off! Ow! Daddy! Laura! Laura! Let go! Daddy! Laura! (MEN CHANTING) Food! Food! What about them, eh? There's no normal people any more.
Noticed that? No solid, three-star guys.
Blokes who owned a biggish watch and occasionally drank Guinness.
Now everyone's making jewellery out of someone else's teeth.
I hate you! You fell in love with Ash.
What about Mummy?/ All right! What about your mum and Oscar? I just had a few bad thoughts.
You can't punish me for that you're not God.
Who even is God? Can I check with your mum before I answer that question? Is this like Father Christmas-gate, when you said he was dead? The North Pole melted.
He's got nowhere to go.
He can fly away on his sleigh.
How? To survive the radiation, right, he's been in his toy factory for six years, minimum.
He's eaten his flying reindeer and his elves and his pointless wife.
But I was wrong cos Father Christmas is magic.
And magic makes anything possible.
That's right.
Settling in? Why are you doing this? Is this some kind of feminist thing? Does that intimidate you? I don't know.
Maybe you want to tame an alpha male.
And that alpha male isyou? Yeah.
I'm relatively tonk.
I'm sexually magnetic, as we've seen.
(CLICKS TONGUE) I don't care who's downwind of a fart.
I'm 100 per cent prime rib.
So if you're thinking of humiliating me, think again.
Bacon sandwich? Oh, God, yes! Please, pretty please! Ohh! Mmm! Go on, Dad.
Hit her! Your dad wouldn't hit a woman.
Yes, he would.
I wouldn't.
He hits me and Mummy all the time.
ErI really, really don't.
You're such a coward.
Urgh.
Is that a nipple? Eat it.
I wanna fatten you up just like these little piggies.
Right, I feel like you want me to acknowledge how creepy you sound.
I'm a jowl girl, but I've heard great things about this cut, the font color="# Or is it the gock? Urgh! Urgh.
Did you just take my cannibal cherry? Put something on the end of it, yeah? Yeah, mate! TOM: Oscar! I am JK, King of the Gypsies! (FANFARE) Is that meant to be Jeremy Kyle? Four kids of my own.
Keep the livestock entertained and the meat just falls of the bone.
Happy pigs, Happy Meals.
Welcome to the show.
Put something on the end of it, bruv! (CHANTING) Put something on the end of it! Put something on the end of it! Put something on the end of it! Put something on the end of it! Put something on the end of it! Their tracks could go on for miles.
Really we need transport.
The car? I crashed it.
The quadbikes? I threw them in the quarry, one by one.
It's been a bad week.
So where can we find a fast, agile 4x4 to slip under the radar? Well, there is one option.
Oh, Susan, it's perfect.
I found some petrol in the boot.
I'll fill the old queen up.
Hen nights.
(GROANS) You always get stuck with the drunk girl who goes out of her way to tell you why she never gives blow jobs, the one who's hit 30 like a brick wall.
Hen nights can't be that bad? You've never had a naked butler dip his balls in your pudding.
Ooh, pinch me! I've found the mother load.
Upmarket perry and a boxful of knickers.
(SNIFFS) Randal! Come on! They're edible.
I knew that.
Yeah, I'm a gastronome, that's why I was smelling them.
"Ooh, what a bouquet!" is what I was implying.
Next stop: revenge, ladies.
Put your foot down.
Laura's out there somewhere.
Let's put some meat on the bone of this story.
Come on! You said that she said that you said that she said that you said Don't Look at me! Look at me! Why didn't you eat him? Oscar's useful.
He's charismatic.
The lie-detector tests are in.
Plus, we did a taste test, and he is repulsive.
He gave someone salmonella.
(DRUM ROLL) Well, well, well, well.
It turns out, you were lying! (MEN GASP) Ohh, never! Never! You're just a boy, Tony! Kill him! Kill him! (YELLS) Put something on the end of it! This is my show! My name in the title, bitches! My show! The JK Kyle Show! Don't look at me, Tony! Look at me! Are you not entertained? Yeah! Where are you going? Just for a jog.
Bit of cardio.
Eating all that human man has gone straight to my hips.
# Grab it hard (DUBSTEP MUSIC) God, I'm a terrible mother.
No, I am.
But it's just so hard, Stevie.
I really admire you, babe.
I found another bottle! Whooo! Yes, we get it! Brap brap, Dorothy.
Welcome to Oz.
Stay back, Laura.
Afraid of my trident? It's a glorified hoe.
Yeah, well.
Speaking of hoes where's yours at, fanny? You ain't nothing without Suze.
Oh, yeah? What's to stop me winning the trust of your prisoners and leading a revolution to shake this society to its very foundations? Magic mushrooms.
They call me The Fun Guy.
How are they magic? Believe, ya.
See this? This is called Insania.
One of these, you'll be totally hamstered.
Turned mandem into Mickey Mouse.
The rainbows, the shows that's how you keep those men under control.
They're Baked.
Mashed.
Hashtag spangled.
Shit, I envy them.
But Spectrum live by the candy-man's code.
Page one of the rulebook.
Know it? Yes, obviously.
I'm a pimp.
A watched pot never boils.
Never get high on your own supply.
Dad, you're falling apart.
Hell, I'd keep you alive, just to have someone to rinse.
But that way, I'd be letting you off the meat hook.
I'd rather be in that rank cage with those mouth-breathing mushroom-junkies than safe, warm, well-fed and working for Spectrum.
I wouldn't.
I'm your dad.
You can't leave me alone with the fat men.
You shouldn't negatively stereotype body shapes, you lanky git.
Sha-boi! You just got served a plate of your own ass! How'd it taste? I want to join Spectrum.
Then you better speak to the boss.
Hello! Jackpot! I surrender.
Ohh! (WHISTLES) Liberty caps.
Took one of these in Truro, ended up crawling seven miles just to giggle at a village called Cocks.
I found this bleach in the limo.
Bleach? What were those women planning in there? Believe me, you don't want to know.
I'll combine it with acetone in these cosmetics to make c To knock the guards unconscious.
And I'll use the rest of the bleach to fill these water pistols.
Let's font col Water-pistol willies.
Those hens and their risque sense of humour.
It's so silly.
I love it! We're relying on the element of surprise.
Yamato, get these chocolate handcuffs melting.
Let's hit them with a little bit of theatre.
Whoo! Aren't you still angry with me? I thought you wanted to beat me up? Mum says getting angry is easy.
It's a bad habit.
How do I know you won't stab me in the back to try and save your dad? I don't mix business with family.
We'll see.
Let the games begin.
The throne-room.
How d'you like it? Yeah.
Very er very snazzy.
I'm trying to drag cannibalism into the 21st century.
Thank you very much.
Listen I get it.
You hate men.
And a pack of shaggers like me and the lads, we're heartbreakers.
You ladies want revenge.
This isn't about gender.
I'd offer you a job but you crammed your font color=" and I'm not having this office party getting lungey.
(WHOOPING AND CHEERING) Five boxes.
Five contestants.
One game that could change a life! Welcome to the Dream Factory! (WHOOPING AND CHEERING) (BIRDLIKE SCREECH) Hello! (RANDAL HISSES, GUARD SCREAMS) Well, that waselaborate.
Gentlemen, show me your boxes.
(WHOOPING AND CHEERING) Now, Ash, tell me, are you nervous? Do you have a strategy, a tactical game plan? Tactics? It's blind luck.
I think me and Number 3 formed a real bond when I force-fed him the guys from his life-drawing class.
You have selected Box Number 3.
Oh, my days! What a roller coaster ride! Number 3, you're back to the cage.
Hush now, the phone is ringing.
Ring-a-ding-ding.
Ring-a-ding-ding.
'Sup, bruv? The phone isn't even plugged in.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
He is a dick.
Mm, yeah.
Mm.
All right.
Bye.
Can we get this bullshit over with, so I can get back to my sty? You know the prize, what you win, right? If you get the golden ticket, we unlock your chains and set you font color="#00f OSCAR: Yeah.
Ooh! Hello, Tracy.
(MUFFLED CRY) Good night, sweetheart.
Now for the main room.
We gotta take them out armed only with some bows and arrow a French maid's cossie and a pair of nipple tassels.
How do we do that? Never fear, Susan.
One of us mentioning no names can grab their attention voila.
Come on! Feel the force.
OSCAR: Focus, Ash, focus.
Positive energy! Come on.
4! Yes! Ohh! Oh, you've been a great player, by the way.
I hope you win.
You deserve it.
Best of luck, mate.
Cheers, thanks then.
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! I'm free! I'm free, yes! In your face! Yes! That's not a ticket, Tom.
What? Number 2, let's complete the game.
(CHEERING AND WHOOPING) Thanks very much.
See you later, guys.
Take care.
Look after yourself.
That's piri-piri.
Dad! OSCAR: That's right, pussy whore.
You better piri-piri up them digits.
Cos I'm gonna play wing roulette with your fingers, bruv! Ain't so jokes now, is it? Time to go put on my rape bib.
(WOMEN LAUGH) I knew this game was rigged! You set me up, sitting there like some sexy Jesus.
Just get him in the oven.
You're gonna cook me alive? Why d'you have to be such a bitch? There it is.
The textbook misogynist.
Guys think it's all about them.
I wear nice clothes and apparently I'm dressing for men.
I get into shape, go out dancing and suddenly I'm trying to find a font color=" I find a boyfriend, jail-break his phone, misinterpret one text message and end up paying for a plane to fly a massive banner over his sister's font col saying, "Ben Hackett is a lying three-inch prick!" Suddenly I'm the crazy bitch? Crazy? No! No! Yeah, you told him, sister.
Just get him to the oven.
Let him go! It's OK, Laura.
Don't be scared.
I'm not scared, I'm angry! Angry? WaitI can't feel my face.
Did you spike my drink? (ECHOING) I spiked everyone's drink.
Do your magic.
You've all been drinking Insania! You sick, twisted little monster! Seriously, just examine that sentence.
Oh, just get him cooking! Don't you wanna season me first? What about a marinade? Ahem! (WOMEN GIGGLE) What the hell? Felix! Oh, don't all start passing out! I had a whole dance routine planned.
Oh, puddle duck! Felix! No-oo! (GIGGLES) Well, would you look at that? Nipple tassel saved my life.
That's quality craftsmanship.
SUZE: Oi! D'you know your problem? You're the kind of girl that gets her flatmates' attention by pretending to be anorexic, then sneaks into the communal fridge at night and eats all their fucking cheese.
That is scarily accurate.
Yes! Any minute now, they are all gonna turn into Mickey Mouse! Well, if I know anything about Liberty Caps, which I do, these poor mares are heading into a drug-induced coma.
It's magic! It's brain damage.
You mean they're all OK, let's leave the nice ladies to have a long, long sleep, hm? No, he was saying that they're all dead.
Randal! What about Daddy? He's in there! (COUGHING) Oh, oh! Thank God.
Where are your clothes? You mean, you didn't go in there naked? It was hot.
It was getting seriously sweaty in there.
Shall I go and get them? Yeah.
Tom? Go.
I'll catch up.
Dad, what are you doing? You called me a coward and you were right.
I don't want to be a coward font colo Tom! Come on, you're free.
Hurry! Noel's back.
And this time, it's my house party.
Come on, let's take a walk to Crinkly Bottom, bruv.
Agh! Agh! Gotcha! I've waited a long time to do this.
It's time to meet the banker.
(CHOKES) There's an arrow in my neck.
Man, that's cringe.
Help me.
You utter queef! Shit! I was aiming for his leg.
Tom! (TOM WINCES) That was just like in Under Siege.
The Steven Seagal movie? You're learning, love.
Agh! Oh, no, Tom! No, no, no, Tom, Tom! Tom! Oh, fuck! Tom! Tom, please.
Tom! Tom, look at me! I love you.
Are you saying that cos you're afraid? Afraid of losing you.
Daddy! Tom? Tom! Happy birthday.
I brought you some lukewarm Polish lagers.
Ooh, what a treat! How was your summer? Average, you know.
I got a job at Blockbuster's.
I thought they went bust? A job demolishing a Blockbuster's.
Was it a bit like destroying your childhood? Yeah, kind of.
Like wanking in my Thunderbirds pyjamas which I do not still font color="#00f How was France? Yeah, it was OK.
Amazing how far you can get on just, like, "Bof".
I told you.
French is just Pretentious shrugging, I know.
(CHUCKLES) Turns out Oscar was staying in the same part of Paris.
Oscar? Jesus.
Yeah, it was OK, actually.
So I was taking a sledgehammer to the action films Oh.
.
.
and I got to thinking, that if you ever wanted to go bowling in a font color=" What? Oh, Tom, I didn't know.
Why didn't you tell me before? You know me, I like to play it cool.
The thing is, I'm seeing Oscar.
Oscar? Oscar Oscar? Why? He's very emotionally intelligent.
What, as opposed to intelligent intelligent? Yeah, to be honest, it is more of a physical thing.
He has got an amazing OK, I'm just gonna crank this thing up.
Oh, if you're thinking of playing 21 Seconds, I played it earlier.
Bombed.
# YOUNG FATHERS: No Way.
Oh, Young Fathers! I love this band.
Yeah, they're really um They er they some Sorry, as in Oscar-Oscar-Oscar? Blame Paris.
The City of Love.
The City of Bullshit.
Hey! We can still be friends, right? Yeah, yeah.
Like, it was just an idea.
It's not like I love youloads.
Hey.
Smile.
Will Daddy be OK? Oh, I hope so, sweetheart.
Randal, those aren't edible.
They're my actual knickers.
But I'm halfway through the gusset.
Randal, that's disgusting! Mummy, are we there yet? Laura, seriously? # At the end of a highway # There's no place you can go # But just tell me you love me # And you are only mine # And our love will go on # Till the end of time Oscar: Jesus will rise again!