Code Monkeys (2007) s01e06 Episode Script

1
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Aah
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
- I love you, whores!
Dave: [Burps]
Clare: Ew, Dave, gross.
Jerry: Oh, Dave,
how many of those pastrami bombs
did you eat?
Dave: It's more like how many of
those pastrami bombs
didn't I eat, which is zero.
[Burps]
Larrity: What in the hell?
Dean: I'll save you, Dad.
Larry: Now listen up,
this here's Mr. Matsui
and Mr. Noshi.
They're from the Protendo
Corporation.
They're visiting us all the way
from Japan.
That's a country in
not America.
Isn't that right, fellas?
[All agreeing]
Todd: Oh, my god.
It's Matsui. He's the founder
of Protendo,
maker of such games as "Run,
Run, Stickybun,"
"Smiley Dragonface Ball Eater,"
"Sad Mr. Crying Cloud."
Hello? He is the John Hughes
of video games.
Dave: Dude, I crap better
games than those.
Like a kid's ever going to play
a Japanese video game.
What's it gonna be called,
"I'm Superior at Math
And Our Country Has
Zero Blonde Chicks?"
Jerry: Dave, shh.
Larrity: Now, as y'all know,
these sneaky bastards are
gonna own every business
in America in the next 6 or 7
weeks.
So we're getting ahead
of the curve
and considering a merger.
So come to the pitch meeting
this afternoon
with the best you got.
I want these boys to see
that Americans
don't have to drop A-bombs on
their cities
in order to get
their attention.
The A-bomb is a hip term
that the black people say.
Heh. Ain't that right,
Black Steve?
Steve: Yeah, that's right,
you honkified
white bread cracker
mother[bleep].
Noshi: Oh, most honored,
you chocolate man.
Take picture with us.
Steve: Asian honkeys.
Larrity: This is my office,
Mr. Matsui,
and this is Mrs. Larrity
number 4,
God rest her soul.
Say hello, sweetie.
Heh. Happens all the time.
Ooh, and this is my genuine
stuffed Chinaman.
Dang it all.
I'm stupid.
I meant to stay stuffed
Chinaperson. Heh.
What's wrong?
You don't know him, do you?
All right, let's keep on
moving.
Jerry: Dude, what the hell
are you doing?
Dave: Dude, I'm trying to see if
I can levitate.
[Grunts]
[Passes gas]
Jerry: Um, no. But I do think
it's possible
that we have absolutely
nothing to pitch today.
Oh, what's this?
Dave: 4 new games.
I did them last night.
They're only amazing.
Yeah, you're welcome.
Jerry: How late last night?
Dave: Don't know. I just woke up
with my pants around my ankles
and this disk in my hand.
But since I am the best
game programmer,
I guarantee that they're
a hundred percent awesome.
Jerry: Dave, I refuse to put
my name
on any of those insane games
you came up with
when you were unconscious.
They're the kind of games
that rhyme with "titty."
Dave: Dude, calm down, you know
I do my best work
when I don't know what
I'm working on,
just like Alfred Einstein.
Now, do you have any toilet
paper on you?
Mary: So the whole point of
the game
is that girls can be just as
strong as boys,
and that's why Princess Flower
is the hero of this--
Matsui: [Speaking Japanese]
Noshi: Thank you very much.
You may sit now, please.
Larrity: That there game's gonna
be huge in your country.
Ha! Very Jap friendly,
don't you think?
Matsui: [Speaking Japanese]
Noshi: Yes, very impressed.
Pleased to see Dave
and Jerry.
Dave: Thanks, bro. Our first
game is called "Pizza Man."
Jerry: Oh, no.
Dave, you promised.
Dave: Oh, so tasty.
Jerry: Dave!
Dave: What? Huh? Oh.
Don't worry, dude. If that
didn't get them, this will.
"Moon Tennis," anyone?
[All gasping]
You get to play tennis
on the [bleep] moon.
Can you imagine that?
Well, I did, because
that's my job.
And what about "Bacon Avenger"?
[All gasping]
Dave: Don't break the eggs.
He likes it. Yeah, the little
guy likes it in the corner.
Jerry: Heh heh.
My partner here
is just having a little fun.
Noshi: Oh, we love these games.
Please, not to be offended, but
the rest of what we see today
was very terrible,
especially those created by
fat homosexual with horn hat.
Todd: Nobody talks to my friend
like that.
Black Steve, I'm gonna make them
apologize.
Noshi: But these games,
these games we love.
"Don't Break the Eggs!"
[Laughter]
Man: Don't break eggs.
That's a good one. Ha ha!
Jerry: Yeah, don't break
the eggs. Ha ha.
[Video game music]
Larrity: Good job, boys.
I guess I should have figured
a bunch of foreigners
wouldn't know [bleep] from
Shinola.
Men: Don't break eggs!
[Laughter]
Dave: The Protendo boys
are going.
Do you want to come out?
Jerry: I've got work to do,
so you go ahead.
Dave, I'm sorry I doubted you.
Dave: Eh, I'm used to it
by now.
Jerry: Ahh! What the
Were you just asleep
under my desk?
Noshi: Oh, sorry.
Mr. Matsui keep me working
for 142 consecutive hours.
I mostly sleep on the desk
in my office back in Japan.
It is all I deserve.
Do you perhaps have any
amphetamines?
Jerry: No. Hey, but Benny's
usually holding.
Come on.
Todd: [Speaking Japanese]
Matsui: [Speaking Japanese]
Steve: Late.
I'm out of here.
Noshi: You are leaving already?
Jerry: Yeah, it's 5:00.
But I like putting in
extra hours,
so back to work for me.
See you later, guys.
Mary: Good night.
Noshi: Ahh, you work
very hard, I can tell.
And very bright man,
not shoot Noshi when you find
under desk.
Jerry: Shoot you?
Noshi: Forgive for saying,
but isn't it that most Americans
gun-crazy idiot?
Jerry: No, that's just
a stereotype.
Larrity: Dean, there's
another one.
Stand over behind it so I've
gots a bigger target.
Dean: Over here, Dad.
[Gunshot]
Ahh!
Larrity: Walk it off, boy.
[Gunshot]
Dean: Buzz off, Dad.
Noshi: Jerry-san, is all right
if I call you Jerry-san?
Jerry: Yeah. Actually, that's
kind of awesome.
Noshi: Jerry-san, when merger
happens,
you come back with us to
headquarters in Tokyo.
In Japan, hard-working
programmers treated like God.
Boy: You must be tallest man
in whole world.
Jerry: Uh, yes, I am the tallest
man in the world.
Woman: You are biggest
I've ever seen.
5 inches.
Jerry: That's as big as they
get, baby.
I'll definitely think
about it.
Hey, but what about
my partner Dave?
Noshi: Ah, yes, the smelliest of
you all.
We will figure out what
is best,
but I am not entirely sure
he fit in with restrained,
bright culture.
[All chanting, laughter]
Dave: You guys rule!
Especially you, Toshiki.
Anybody who can almost keep
up with me
automatically qualifies for
bro status.
Yamada: What do you mean
"almost"?
You are the one who can almost
keep up with us.
Dave: Oh, yeah? Well, we may
have bailed you guys
out in WWII, but don't expect
any mercy this go around, Hodgy.
Come here, come here,
give me a hug.
[Laughter]
Yamada: You truly believe
you can out-consume
the men of Protendo?
Dave: The men of Protendo?
Please.
"Mr. Sad, Crying Cloud" is
probably the gayest game
I've ever seen.
You guys really turned up
the suck knob on that one.
[Record scratches]
Candy: Hey, boys.
Who needs boobs in
their face?
Yamada: Silence her!
Man: Hyah!
Candy: Oh, my back.
Dave: Holy--
Yamada: Yes. In Japanese
business school,
we train all the mental
and physical arts,
including eating and drinking
contests.
Now we battle.
Dave: Yeah, I don't know.
I don't think our bosses would
like us fighting like this.
Yamada: Mr. Matsui does not
know of this,
and you will not tell Larrity.
Kobatashi!
Now you will wager
your honor against Kobatashi.
Dave: I don't have any honor.
Bring it on.
Yamada: Ready?
Hamburger battle!
Point for Kobatashi.
[Laughs]
Dave: You want to go, bitches?
Now it's on.
Shake it off, Dave.
Shake it off.
I'm coming to get you.
Here comes Daddy.
Yamada: Jager shot battle!
Dave: I will eat it. Eat it!
Yeah, that's what I want
to eat. Eat it.
Yamada: Jager shot battle
part 5.
Dave: You've got to be
kidding me.
Oh, man, I'm gonna die tonight.
Yamada: Fried eel battle!
You're about to lose
your honor,
lose America's honor.
Dave: [Bleep] you, man.
I'm gonna eat its face off.
You can do it, man.
It probably tastes like chicken.
Ach! It doesn't taste
like chicken.
It tastes like ass.
Ugh!
[Coughs, vomits]
Kobatashi: May I--
Do not break eggs.
[Laughter, slurps]
Dave: Hey, that's my line.
[Whimpers] Ow.
Who the hell are you?
Hugetsu: I was watching you
tonight.
You have great potential
to be all-time eating champion.
I should know.
I used to be champion.
Dave: Did you see the part
where I lost?
Forget it, old man.
Hugetsu: Tell me, Dave,
how did it feel to lose?
Did it burn?
Dave: Yeah, it burned my ass
a little bit.
Wait, wait, how do you know
my name?
Hugetsu: It's coach's job
to know everything.
Also, it is written
on your shirt.
Dave: No, it isn't.
Hugetsu: Your talent is raw,
just like eel.
Dave: Oh, crap. [Vomits]
Hugetsu: With the training,
you will follow in
my footsteps
and defeat those who have
humiliated you here tonight.
Dave: It would feel pretty good
to humiliate Kobatashi.
Hugetsu: That is the spirit.
Find your rage.
Harness it!
E-tech!
Bonsai!
Dave: Are you like this
all the time?
Hugetsu: Very sorry.
I am very drunk
on the very cheap sake.
Bonsai!
Dave: All right, man,
let's do it.
Let's murder those Jap bastards!
No offense.
Hugetsu: None taken.
[Indistinct murmuring]
Noshi: Hey, you got it exactly.
We keep the one employee,
Jerry-san,
to make it technically
a merger.
The rest are liquidated. Hey!
15 million. No problem.
Done deal.
All right, good night
to you, too.
Jerry: Holy--
[Game chirps]
Hugetsu: Hey! Take wax.
Dave: Dude, I'm here to train
to be an eating champ.
I'm not here to wash
your truck.
Hugetsu: You eat wax.
Dave: What?
Hugetsu: Hey! Do not
to be chicken, eat wax.
Dave: I'll show you chicken.
I'll show you chicken all the
way to the bank.
[Clucking like a chicken]
[Video game sounds]
Dean: You really got me on that
last round, Dad.
My head's like a magnet for
bullets.
Larrity: Maybe if you'd pointed
at the bat better,
I'd have known where
to shoot.
Now go sit in your failure
corner, son.
Jerry: Mr. Larrity, thank God
you're here.
Larrity: Why's that, other Dave?
What's sticking in your craw,
boy?
Jerry: It's Protendo,
Mr. Larrity.
They don't really want
a merger.
They're just gonna give you
$15 million
and then liquidate the company.
Larrity: What in the hell?!
That is a gosh darn outrage.
Jerry: That's what I said.
It's--
Larrity: They told me 20.
It's a sneak attack.
It worked at Pearl Harbor,
but it ain't gonna work
at Larrity Harbor.
Dean: Where's that, Dad?
Larrity: Near Idiot Street
and Dumbass Lane.
Jerry: You knew about this?
Larrity: Shoot, son,
I made the deal.
The American video game sector
is doomed.
I'm getting out while
the getting's good.
I'm putting all my money in
mutant repellant.
Jerry: What?
Larrity: For when the Ruskies
drop them bombs on us.
Every American family's gonna
need
its own stock of mutant
repellant.
Look.
Dean: Oh, my face hurts
like fire.
Larrity: Hoo hoo!
That's the ticket.
Good job, Dean.
Now get back in your corner.
Dean: Thanks, Dad. Ow!
Larrity: I'm sorry, son.
I'm afraid it's over.
Now git, yeah.
Jerry: But, Mr. Larrity,
we need--
Larrity: I said git before
you get
a snoot full of mutant paste.
Hugetsu: See fence.
Dave: Dude, I am not painting
your fence.
And I've been peeing blood
all day,
so I think I have wax poisoning.
Hugetsu: No paint fence.
You drink paint.
Cover fence.
Dave: But that will kill me.
Hugetsu: [Laughs]
It is non-toxic paint.
Don't be a baby.
Googoo gaga.
Dave: I'll show you who's
a baby.
[Game chimes]
Jerry: We have to stop this
merger.
Mary: It's too late.
The merger's gonna go through
whether we like it or not.
Jerry: We can do this.
Where's your can-do spirit?
Mary: What do you care?
Everybody knows that you've
still got a job
no matter what happens.
Jerry: I care a whole lot.
You might even say I care
50 states worth,
plus the commonwealth of
Puerto Rico.
I care about democracy,
and I care about freedom,
apple pie, baseball,
and keeping our jobs in the good
old U.S. of A.
Todd: Well, the Japanese love
baseball
and they are not Americans.
Mary: Shut up, Todd.
Todd: One of their teams is
called
the Nippon-Ham Fighters.
Ham. That sounds good.
It's 10:30, right?
I got to take a ham break.
Mary: Shut up, Todd.
Clare: You're fat, Todd.
Todd: They don't actually
fight ham.
They fight other teams.
Steve: Hey, dickweed.
Shut the [bleep] up.
Todd: Copy that, good buddy.
Steve: Go ahead, Jerry.
Tell us your plan.
Jerry: My plan? Oh, my plan.
The plan to get rid of Protendo
and block the merger.
Yes, sir, got to have a plan.
Honestly, I'm at a loss.
Dave's usually the one that
comes up with the evil plan.
Clare: So go get Dave, idiot.
Clarence: Yeah, Dave will know
what to do ♪
Jerry: Great idea.
The thing is, though, is Dave's
a little bit MIA.
Steve: No problem, man.
I know how we can find him.
[Video game music]
Hugetsu: You like my new deck?
Is impressive, no?
Dave: Why, do you want me
to eat it?
Hugetsu: Do not be silly.
Only eat sawdust.
Dave: Eat sawdust.
Yeah, sure, why not?
Who's a chicken now, baby, huh?
You happy?
You know what, I thought you
were training me,
but this is bull[bleep].
I'm done.
Hugetsu: No!
Only getting started.
For me, eat the burger. Hey!
Now show me, drink the Jager.
Hoy!
Yes, now show me,
eat the eel.
[Both shouting]
Dave-san, wax, paint,
wood chip
make stomach tough.
Now you can eat anything.
You ready.
Dave: Ahh!
Steve: Tell us
where Dave is
or your brain's about to have
company, mother[bleep].
Yamada: Do not kill me,
chocolate demon.
[Sobbing]
He has gone underground.
He has become [Speaks Japanese].
Jerry: Well, what's that?
Steve: It means food warrior.
Underground competitive eating
clubs.
Really bad [bleep], J.
I double majored in Japanese
at Dartmouth, all right?
Jerry: Where is this club?
[Video game music]
Yamada: Do you have a problem
with that, Mr. Rollins?
Sweep the leg!
Dave: Ahh! What the hell?
Referee: Disqualify you!
[Cheering]
Referee: Championship match.
Dave vs. Kobatashi.
Jerry: Hey, Dave, let's go back
to GameAVision.
We'll see if we can find you
an icepack.
Hugetsu: You'll go nowhere!
It is the time
to reclaim honor.
Dave: I don't know if I can
do it, man.
Jerry: Well, you heard the man.
There's no way he can win.
OK, Dave, let's go.
We have a situation here.
Dave: Oh, I get it, Jerry.
First you doubted my
programming,
now you doubt my eating.
Well, I'll show you.
Jerry: Wait, Dave.
Referee: Final round.
Dave: Bring it.
I'm not afraid of eels.
Referee: Live spider battle,
hey!
Dave: Holy!
Jerry: Dave, come on, man.
You can do it.
You can do it.
Eat their faces off.
Dave: Ooh! Ahh!
Referee: Winner,
America Dave!
Jerry: Dave, I'll never
doubt you again.
Now, listen, you have to come
back to work.
We have to block a merger
with Protendo,
and you're the only one
who can save us.
Hugetsu: Wait.
Where are you going?
Dave: Sorry, dude.
I have to save GameAVision.
And I am still pooping sawdust.
Todd: And in conclusion,
I propose that we cast
a spell of wellness over
the entire company.
I need you all to hold hands
and stand in a circle.
I will strip my clothes off
and get in the middle.
I just need to go get a--
Jerry: All right, everybody,
I brought back Dave,
just as I promised.
Now, Dave, tell us how we're
gonna stop this merger.
Tell us the plan.
Dave: Right, the plan is simple.
We just need to pull
some crazy pranks,
freak out the Japanese,
and send them running back
to Tokyo
with their sushi between
their legs.
Clare: Oh, my god.
Dave: Let's do this.
[Video game music]
[All screaming]
Jerry: OK, they're coming.
Here we go, here we go,
here we go.
Dave: Sneak attack!
[Pigs squealing]
Jerry: That was your big
surprise, Dave? Pigs?
Dave: Dude, the Japanese
hate pork.
It's against their Japanese
religion.
Dave: That's Jews, Dave.
Dave: Hmm, I think I'm getting
my Js confused.
Explain to me the difference
between the Jews and the
Japanese.
Larrity: Fellas, this new
GameAVision's
going to be hotter than
Nagasaki
after we dropped a A-bomb
on you.
Darn it, I'm sorry.
I keep forgetting not to say
that.
[Men screaming]
Clarence: Hey, everyone,
it's me, [indistinct] ♪
Man: What is that?
Dave: Clare, it's gonna be
great.
I'll grab your chest,
and then I'm gonna pretend
your boobs are dials--
oh, yeah, just like that--
and then I'll say, "Tune into
Tokyo. Tune into Tokyo."
And I'll do this for about
30 minutes or so. Now--
Clare: But how does that get rid
of the Japanese?
Dave: Dammit, Clare, do you want
to stop this merger or not?
You have to give, woman.
Larrity: Boys, I want to talk to
you now.
Follow me.
Jerry: Oh, crap.
Dave: Hey, Jerry, I'm not
feeling so hot.
Do you have any live eels?
[Game chirps]
Noshi: Jeff, I regret
to inform you
that you are not performing up
to expectation.
You are saka.
Jeff: But I can try harder.
I have this new game called
"Short Order Cook."
It's really, really cool,
I swear.
Noshi: I sorry, Jeff.
Jerry: Holy!
Noshi: Ahh, apologies,
Mr. Larrity.
Mr. Matsui say I need to learn
how to fire employee correctly.
Larrity: Well, mission
accomplished.
Can we have the office
for a moment?
Dave: You know what, I'm glad I
never got to know him.
He seems like a dick.
Larrity: Boys,
I know what you're trying
to do,
and your passion to keep
GameAVision alive
has touched me in a way
that I haven't been touched
since I was a kid.
I appreciate it, but your plans
not working.
Jerry: So what should we do?
Larrity: You can't just scare
off the Japanese, fellas.
No, you got to prove to them
that you can be just as
efficient as they are.
These buggers have small
little hands
so they got an unfair
advantage.
Their tiny fingers just fly all
over them keyboards.
Not like our big American
bear paws.
Check out these sum bitches.
Only good for 3 things--
fighting, diddlying,
and counting money.
Jerry So we blow them away
with our efficiency?
Larrity: Son, to impress
these suckers,
you'd have to break Protendo's
one day efficiency record.
Dave: Are you saying
you doubt us?
Ahh!
Larrity: I like your spunk, son.
I'll stall them for 24 hours
just to give you a shot.
Tonight we come together ♪
And we will rock forever ♪
Together forever
just you and me ♪
- Right now ♪
- Right now is the time,
right now ♪
- Right now ♪
- Can't touch the shine
right now ♪
- Right now ♪
- Let's shine right now ♪
Right now ♪
Now ♪
Noshi: They did it.
They broke the one day
efficiency record.
Matsui: [Speaking Japanese]
[Men groaning]
Jerry: Oh, my god!
Todd: Does this mean that
the merger's off?
Larrity: There never was
a merger, son.
Jerry: What?
Larrity: Never was a deal.
I brought Mr. Matsui here to
prove a little theory of mine.
See, I always thought
that you all
were a bunch of lazy jackasses,
and this whining about creative
freedom
was all just a bunch of hooey.
I figured under the right
circumstances,
you all could work for
24 hours straight.
And guess what, Big T wins
again.
Y'all set a brand-new one day
efficiency record.
Plus, there's 20 dead Japanese
fellas to boot.
Correction--21 dead Japanese.
All in all, I'd call today
a big win.
Noshi: Jerry-san.
Jerry: Yeah, Noshi?
Noshi: What you did was
quite amazing.
You would have done well
in Tokyo.
Jerry: Thanks. But I don't think
I could have left GameAVision.
These people are my family here.
Steve: I'm going to [bleep] you
up later, dawg.
Jerry: Hey, all right,
Black Steve.
Noshi: I want you to have my
[Speaks Japanese]
Jerry: Thanks.
But most of all, Noshi,
I think I working in the USA.
Larrity, and most Americans,
might be crazy,
but we're proud of who
we are,
and I think that counts
for something.
Noshi?
This is awkward.
[Video game music]
Larrity: Well, I'd like to
announce a merger.
Introducing our new investors
from Deutchenmachen Housen
Hazen Corps.
We'll get started with
the interro--
ahh, our personality profiles in
just a minute.
Todd: Guten Tag, mein herr.
[German accent] Should we all go
burn some books?
Hitler: You do not ask
the questions.
We will make an example
of this one.
Todd: Was ist das?
Hitler: Nothing.
[Video game music]
[Elephant trumpets]
Dave: You guys rule!
Especially you, Toshiki.