Common Ground (2013) s01e06 Episode Script
Fergus and Crispin
Wurgh! What are you doing? Trying to surprise an idea out of you.
Oh, OK.
Well, it's not gonna be surprising if you do the same Argh! Right! That's almost certainly broken.
But did you have any ideas? Yes.
We need to get a new laptop.
Good.
Put it on the To Do list.
Well, I'll have to use yours.
Mm, no.
Don't want you breaking mine as well.
Fine, then I'll write it on the paper.
Why?! Thought it might give me an idea.
All I've got is, er Wet, annoying business partner who doesn't have any ideas.
Victorian Bingo? No, Crispin! We've done that the past two weeks, it's not working.
It's just bingo.
With hats.
How many people came? Um Total six.
And how many people on the Facebook fan page? 67.
Well, where were they?! We're gonna have to think of something different.
Let's consult the dream board.
No ideas from the dream board again.
I think we should take this onto the roof.
You know, there's not enough room for my head in here.
There's quite a lot of space.
I still think we could've got a smaller office.
Crispin, we need this room for when the company expands.
We're gonna fill it full of hot secretaries and have affairs with them.
I'm gonna get a French one.
Doesn't speak a word of English but she happens to be 18 years old.
What about you? Yeah mine's gonna be 27.
Exactly the same age as me.
Kinky.
I've got it! What's current? What's in the news every day? Organ harvesting.
What? No.
Celebrities! Let's have a celebrity night.
We can invite celebrities Roll out a red carpet Give them, like, figurine statues for acting that they've done.
Isn't that the Oscars? It would have like a similar vibe.
I just worry that that's impossible.
Crispin, nothing is impossible.
Who said that? Lots of people.
But who put it on a poster? You did.
Well, maybe we could make it celebrity-themed.
I could do my Mike Myers impression.
Proceed.
One million dollars.
Isn't that Dr Evil? Yes.
You merchant! One million dollars.
Ha! One million dollars! One million dollars! Hahahahaha! Our celebrity night will cost us One million dollars! No, it's not gonna work.
You need to learn more quotes.
Well, good progress today.
I'm having lunch with my sister, so I've got to bust a groove.
Take five.
You're gonna be five minutes? No, take, like, twelve fives and a ten I'll be like three hours, so I'll probably just go straight home after.
OK.
Well, remember to ask her for that loan, we're a month behind rent for the office.
Well, I bought the office phone so That doubles as your phone.
Which doubles as my phone, exactly, so the rent's probably your gig.
OK, well we still need to think about what the hell we're going to do for this night! Sorry, Ferg.
I know it's not about the money.
Screw the rat race, right? We're just living the dre Got to admit, it feels pretty weird and formal.
Sat in a restaurant, having lunch.
Well, that's what they're for.
Usually I just grab a sausage roll.
There's this fantastic place near our office run by this amazing polish girl called Greggs.
19 years old and she's got her own pastry joint, now there's some business acumen for you.
Right.
Have you seen the specials board? You never could look me in the eye could you? No, I was just looking at the specials.
Yeah, well, it's a shame you can't look at your special brother.
I mean, not as in special needs Like Sam.
My Sam? Yeah.
He's a bit slow isn't he? No.
OK then, why's he always doing this? Because he's a baby.
Business good? Like hotcakes, my friend.
Like extremely hot cakes I was doing hot cakes Urgh.
What!? Hi baby.
Left my laptop in our bed.
So it would be like waking up together I told you not to wake me up this morning.
How was the cast party last night? Is there much blood in your alcohol stream? Do not say the word ketamine to me today.
I didn't.
I did.
Is that Lawr What you doing in my bed, Lawrence? He wasn't exactly gonna sleep on the sofa, was he? That's where he was when I left.
Yeah, you woke me up.
So you got into mine and Emsie's bed.
Chill out, dude.
I kept all my clothes on.
Thanks dude.
How's the party planning business thing? Pretty good, yeah.
Word is spreading like wildflower Spreading like wildflower? Can I speak to Emsie please? Quickly, baby, cos I'm feeling really groggy.
Oh.
Poor thing.
Have you got a temperature? I dunno.
Lawrence? Er, let me check your glands.
How about underneath the ribs? Probably do those yourself, babe.
And the upper groin.
Are there glands ther? She's fine, mate.
Just needs to get some sleep.
OK, well Am I hot down there, as well as my head? I'd like to offer you a few grand.
Got some spare cash at the moment and I think it would be a good investment for me.
Fuck you! Excuse me? You heard me.
I said fuck off.
You're just desperate for me to fail, aren't you? Well guess what? I have failed.
I thought you said Business is booming, sister.
But I'm addicted to drugs.
And I went and got married.
Fergus, that's brilliant.
You've been single for ages.
Yeah, I don't think Dad's going to be saying it's brilliant when he finds out - she's black! Why would he care about that? Cos he's gonna probably stereotype her.
And call her a criminal.
I'm sure he won't.
Well she IS a criminal.
She's a drug dealer.
But you love her? Big time.
When she's conscious.
Well, can we meet her? Bring her round next week.
Yeah, fine she might be dealing heroin that weekend, but I'll see what we can do.
Fergus? Yeah, who's this? It's Crispin.
What do you want? I dunno, you called me.
Did I? No! You idiot, it's that thing I do.
It's called being hilarious.
Oh yeah.
Did you get the money from your sister? You bet your bottom dollar I did Bottom dollar's right.
I just got a statement in Listen, I've had a great idea for the night.
Speed dating.
It's original, it's unique And it's never been done before.
I think it has.
Well, ours is gonna have a twist.
All the girls have to be black.
We can't do that.
It's cool, we'll just have a door policy or something.
I'm pretty sure that would be illegal.
Crispin! Nothing is illegal.
Who said that? Yeah I'm really not sure how much sense that makes, Ferg.
Fine.
You just get on doing publicity and venue.
I'll think of a different twist.
It needs to be a good one.
Don't worry, dude, I'll think of something.
Wankers! Same to you, buddy! You booked a Mexican restaurant? Mexico city.
City of love.
Oh yeah, spring break.
Nice one.
Let's see who wants to get laid.
Guess it's still early doors.
They seem to be doing alright What are the chances? At least those two uglies turned up That's Emma! Oh yeah! I just thought it was a random freak.
Wow, Lawrence's Kingdom Brunei is fantastic! Enough! Unhand her! I will run you through.
I'm fucking serious, mate.
I will not be made a cuckold of.
Crispin what are you doing? Relax it's a stage sword.
Dude! Do you realise how expensive Mezcal is? Stand up! Put the phone down.
Let's see what he has to say.
If you want her so badly you'll have to fight me.
What? Stand up so I can stab you! Her? I'm gay, mate.
Ha-ha! Crispin, it's so funny how you've made such a fool of yourself.
You're gay? Why do you think I dress so well? You do make a good Isambard.
Thank you.
You make a lovely Mad Hatter.
It's Isambard.
Is it? Yeah.
Sorry, Lawrence.
Was that supposed to turn me on, Crispin? No.
Apparently I was supposed to be turning you on! That's good.
I'll get you another tequila.
It's Mezcal, and you'll mess it up.
Listen, mate.
I get why you're so protective of her.
She's a beautiful girl.
Yeah.
And she gives absolutely outstanding blow jobs.
Yaah! Is Lawrence taking her to hospital? Yeah.
That's nice of him.
By the way, I heard she's cheating on you with Lawrence.
How did you hear that? Lawrence told me.
Oh.
Sorry I screwed up the night, Ferg.
At least we got the money from your sister.
And at least we've got each other.
Friends till the en
Oh, OK.
Well, it's not gonna be surprising if you do the same Argh! Right! That's almost certainly broken.
But did you have any ideas? Yes.
We need to get a new laptop.
Good.
Put it on the To Do list.
Well, I'll have to use yours.
Mm, no.
Don't want you breaking mine as well.
Fine, then I'll write it on the paper.
Why?! Thought it might give me an idea.
All I've got is, er Wet, annoying business partner who doesn't have any ideas.
Victorian Bingo? No, Crispin! We've done that the past two weeks, it's not working.
It's just bingo.
With hats.
How many people came? Um Total six.
And how many people on the Facebook fan page? 67.
Well, where were they?! We're gonna have to think of something different.
Let's consult the dream board.
No ideas from the dream board again.
I think we should take this onto the roof.
You know, there's not enough room for my head in here.
There's quite a lot of space.
I still think we could've got a smaller office.
Crispin, we need this room for when the company expands.
We're gonna fill it full of hot secretaries and have affairs with them.
I'm gonna get a French one.
Doesn't speak a word of English but she happens to be 18 years old.
What about you? Yeah mine's gonna be 27.
Exactly the same age as me.
Kinky.
I've got it! What's current? What's in the news every day? Organ harvesting.
What? No.
Celebrities! Let's have a celebrity night.
We can invite celebrities Roll out a red carpet Give them, like, figurine statues for acting that they've done.
Isn't that the Oscars? It would have like a similar vibe.
I just worry that that's impossible.
Crispin, nothing is impossible.
Who said that? Lots of people.
But who put it on a poster? You did.
Well, maybe we could make it celebrity-themed.
I could do my Mike Myers impression.
Proceed.
One million dollars.
Isn't that Dr Evil? Yes.
You merchant! One million dollars.
Ha! One million dollars! One million dollars! Hahahahaha! Our celebrity night will cost us One million dollars! No, it's not gonna work.
You need to learn more quotes.
Well, good progress today.
I'm having lunch with my sister, so I've got to bust a groove.
Take five.
You're gonna be five minutes? No, take, like, twelve fives and a ten I'll be like three hours, so I'll probably just go straight home after.
OK.
Well, remember to ask her for that loan, we're a month behind rent for the office.
Well, I bought the office phone so That doubles as your phone.
Which doubles as my phone, exactly, so the rent's probably your gig.
OK, well we still need to think about what the hell we're going to do for this night! Sorry, Ferg.
I know it's not about the money.
Screw the rat race, right? We're just living the dre Got to admit, it feels pretty weird and formal.
Sat in a restaurant, having lunch.
Well, that's what they're for.
Usually I just grab a sausage roll.
There's this fantastic place near our office run by this amazing polish girl called Greggs.
19 years old and she's got her own pastry joint, now there's some business acumen for you.
Right.
Have you seen the specials board? You never could look me in the eye could you? No, I was just looking at the specials.
Yeah, well, it's a shame you can't look at your special brother.
I mean, not as in special needs Like Sam.
My Sam? Yeah.
He's a bit slow isn't he? No.
OK then, why's he always doing this? Because he's a baby.
Business good? Like hotcakes, my friend.
Like extremely hot cakes I was doing hot cakes Urgh.
What!? Hi baby.
Left my laptop in our bed.
So it would be like waking up together I told you not to wake me up this morning.
How was the cast party last night? Is there much blood in your alcohol stream? Do not say the word ketamine to me today.
I didn't.
I did.
Is that Lawr What you doing in my bed, Lawrence? He wasn't exactly gonna sleep on the sofa, was he? That's where he was when I left.
Yeah, you woke me up.
So you got into mine and Emsie's bed.
Chill out, dude.
I kept all my clothes on.
Thanks dude.
How's the party planning business thing? Pretty good, yeah.
Word is spreading like wildflower Spreading like wildflower? Can I speak to Emsie please? Quickly, baby, cos I'm feeling really groggy.
Oh.
Poor thing.
Have you got a temperature? I dunno.
Lawrence? Er, let me check your glands.
How about underneath the ribs? Probably do those yourself, babe.
And the upper groin.
Are there glands ther? She's fine, mate.
Just needs to get some sleep.
OK, well Am I hot down there, as well as my head? I'd like to offer you a few grand.
Got some spare cash at the moment and I think it would be a good investment for me.
Fuck you! Excuse me? You heard me.
I said fuck off.
You're just desperate for me to fail, aren't you? Well guess what? I have failed.
I thought you said Business is booming, sister.
But I'm addicted to drugs.
And I went and got married.
Fergus, that's brilliant.
You've been single for ages.
Yeah, I don't think Dad's going to be saying it's brilliant when he finds out - she's black! Why would he care about that? Cos he's gonna probably stereotype her.
And call her a criminal.
I'm sure he won't.
Well she IS a criminal.
She's a drug dealer.
But you love her? Big time.
When she's conscious.
Well, can we meet her? Bring her round next week.
Yeah, fine she might be dealing heroin that weekend, but I'll see what we can do.
Fergus? Yeah, who's this? It's Crispin.
What do you want? I dunno, you called me.
Did I? No! You idiot, it's that thing I do.
It's called being hilarious.
Oh yeah.
Did you get the money from your sister? You bet your bottom dollar I did Bottom dollar's right.
I just got a statement in Listen, I've had a great idea for the night.
Speed dating.
It's original, it's unique And it's never been done before.
I think it has.
Well, ours is gonna have a twist.
All the girls have to be black.
We can't do that.
It's cool, we'll just have a door policy or something.
I'm pretty sure that would be illegal.
Crispin! Nothing is illegal.
Who said that? Yeah I'm really not sure how much sense that makes, Ferg.
Fine.
You just get on doing publicity and venue.
I'll think of a different twist.
It needs to be a good one.
Don't worry, dude, I'll think of something.
Wankers! Same to you, buddy! You booked a Mexican restaurant? Mexico city.
City of love.
Oh yeah, spring break.
Nice one.
Let's see who wants to get laid.
Guess it's still early doors.
They seem to be doing alright What are the chances? At least those two uglies turned up That's Emma! Oh yeah! I just thought it was a random freak.
Wow, Lawrence's Kingdom Brunei is fantastic! Enough! Unhand her! I will run you through.
I'm fucking serious, mate.
I will not be made a cuckold of.
Crispin what are you doing? Relax it's a stage sword.
Dude! Do you realise how expensive Mezcal is? Stand up! Put the phone down.
Let's see what he has to say.
If you want her so badly you'll have to fight me.
What? Stand up so I can stab you! Her? I'm gay, mate.
Ha-ha! Crispin, it's so funny how you've made such a fool of yourself.
You're gay? Why do you think I dress so well? You do make a good Isambard.
Thank you.
You make a lovely Mad Hatter.
It's Isambard.
Is it? Yeah.
Sorry, Lawrence.
Was that supposed to turn me on, Crispin? No.
Apparently I was supposed to be turning you on! That's good.
I'll get you another tequila.
It's Mezcal, and you'll mess it up.
Listen, mate.
I get why you're so protective of her.
She's a beautiful girl.
Yeah.
And she gives absolutely outstanding blow jobs.
Yaah! Is Lawrence taking her to hospital? Yeah.
That's nice of him.
By the way, I heard she's cheating on you with Lawrence.
How did you hear that? Lawrence told me.
Oh.
Sorry I screwed up the night, Ferg.
At least we got the money from your sister.
And at least we've got each other.
Friends till the en