Complete and Utter History of Britain (1969) s01e06 Episode Script
James the McFirst to Oliver Cromwell
1
BELL TOLLS
Remember, remember,
the 5th of November,
gunpowder, treason and
JOLLY MUSIC
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
# It's all in separate episodes
# In separate episodes
# In separate episodes
# The Complete And Utter
# The Complete And Utter
# This Complete And Utter
# History
Episode six. ♪
Good evening and welcome.
After the death of Queen Elizabeth
in 1603,
the English throne
passed to James I,
son of Mary, Queen of Scots.
How did this Scotsman adapt himself
to becoming King of England as well?
Watch with me now as James I
makes his first address
to his new countrymen.
SCOTTISH ACCENT:
Good evening, och, aye, gan awa,
and happy Christmas
to you all, eh?
I'd like to say hello
to my dad in Paisley,
Dougie in Galashiels,
And the McGregors
in Dunfermline toon the noo.
May the gran that smacked
the knackers on thee
knack the smackers on thee the noo.
Aye, they'll be singing tonight,
gan Willie, the crofters' boy!
Ya-hoo! Wa-hee!
CLEARS THROA
Now then, McSubjects,
my name's James I,
and I'm your new King, so there.
Now, this is the first time
that our two nations,
England and Scotland,
have been joined together.
I want to assure you that all
my objects will be treated equally,
be they Scotsmen true
or dirty sassenachs.
I want to tell you for a moment
about my theory
of absolute monarchy.
Basically, it's very simple,
I'm King and you're not.
No, this doesn't mean
I want everyone
bowing and scraping
and kissing my feet.
There'll be special people
to do that.
What it does mean
is that I don't want to hear
anyone calling me Sonny Jim
or Jim The Jock,
or ask me if I can play
the bagpipes.
Now, I'd like to say a few words
at this Christmastide also
about the divine right of kings.
Yeah, the divine right of kings
is not an attempt to make myself
into God,
God forbid - and so I did.
It merely means that
I'm God's chosen instrument,
and as such, can do very little,
if anything, wrong.
Now, the divine right of kings
is not going to
SMASH
The divine right of kings
is not going to change anything.
And just to prove this, I shall be
keeping the same Archbishop
and the same Chancellor
as good Queen Elizabeth before me.
Well, happy Christmas,
McSubjects McEverywhere,
I must be away to speak
to the great power,
my chief adviser.
Hallelujah, hallelujah. ♪
It was during the reign of James I
that a small band of Puritans,
later known as the Pilgrim Fathers,
were to leave Plymouth to found
the first English colony in America.
What would they find in America?
What would the natives be like?
And who would be on their side?
It was a courageous decision,
but what made them choose
this uncharted continent?
WHISTLING
SHOP BELL RINGS
Morning, gents. Can I help you?
You certainly can.
We wish to go abroad.
Oh, well, what about Spain, then?
Lots of fun this time of year.
We don't want lots of fun.
Oh, I see, somewhere quiet.
Honeymoon, is it?
Certainly not!
Oh, no.
We wish to go somewhere where
we can practice our own way of life,
undisturbed by the vices and
temptations of the world around us.
How about Ramsgate?
Oh, no use at all.
It must be completely unbearable,
somewhere where
we might indeed perish.
Oh, well, they do say
how it's the worst place on Earth
this time of year,
is north-east America.
Oh! You interest me.
It's really desolate, is it?
Oh, yes, blimey. And what's more,
it involves a hazardous sea journey.
Icebergs, storms,
all that sort of thing.
Oh, so we might indeed perish
on the journey?
I think you very well may, actually.
Oh.
That's excellent. We'll have five.
Right.
On an uncomfortable ship.
Ah, well, I should think
your best bet's the Mayflower.
That's sunk twice
in the last six months.
Sounds very promising.
I'll put you down third class,
all right?
Haven't you got anything lower?
That's the worst we've got,
I'm afraid.
It's all right,
there's no ventilation.
Oh, well, it's a small thing,
but something.
Right, there we are, then,
five tickets to America.
Two and eight, please.
You sail Friday. Have a nice time!
I mean,
hope you nearly perish to death.
Miserable Puritans!
FURTIVE WHISTLES
Hello, girls. Here you are!
Give these to your husbands.
We're sailing on Friday.
We'll see you down The Red Lion
Friday night, eh?
Come on, you lovely dollies!
APPLAUSE
Charles I succeeded James I,
and tried to rule
without calling a Parliament.
This led to civil war,
and cost Charles his life
on the scaffold.
It is about the execution
of Charles I in 1649
that Professor Weaver has chosen
to enlighten us tonight.
Good evening.
I've really gone to town tonight.
I've spent my entire savings
on this wonderful Charles I costume
to show you what really went on
in 1649.
Unfortunately, I hadn't saved
quite as much as I'd expected,
so I've been unable to complete
the picture.
If you bear with me, though,
and you'll see what I mean.
Or if you don't.
Now, I want you imagine, if you can,
that you are the crowd
outside Whitehall,
and it's three o'clock
two o'clock!
The King is about to appear.
Now, I've got to disappear to appear
as the King, you understand?
You understand what I'm doing?
I'm just going off
to come on as the King.
I'll be the King.
You'll recognise me when I come.
Here comes the King!
That was me, you see.
Now, right, here he comes,
the King, the King,
making his way majestically
towards the scaffold.
As he came to the scaffold,
so he mounted.
Like that? No, of course not.
A king, a true king to the end,
he entered with great majesty
and bearing,
making his way majestically
up the scaffold,
and so to the block.
And then pausing for a moment,
he knelt and laid his head
Ah, there, now there's the chopper,
you see.
That's nothing to do with him,
he doesn't meet that till later.
Now, we want that
quite out of the way.
Now, this block, of course,
is not the real, actual block.
This is another block
which I bought for 22 and six
from the railway
lost property offices, bargain.
It's been weatherproofed, you know,
absolutely safe for children.
Absolutely perfect. The King laid
his head on the block, you see.
Oh. And at four minutes pass two,
as the clock struck, the axe fell.
And it's that dramatic moment
that I'll be bringing you
later in the programme,
well, I've made a few, erm
preparations, you see?
I've got to make a few
As Charles I said, don't miss it.
Erm Could you help
knock my block off, please?
Er Help!
No, I'm, I'm Help.
Damn.
Professor Weaver, with part one
of King Charles's execution.
One of the most powerful themes
of the time was witchcraft.
Belief in witches was widespread,
and the suppression of them gave
some people a full-time occupation.
This we now present a film
which was only recently discovered,
which instructs the trainee
witch-finder in his grisly trade.
Question: What is it a witch?
Answer: A witch is one that has sold
her soul to the very Devil,
and in return, doth exercise
most monstrous powers of magic.
SOFT CACKLING
Rabbit's foot.
Odour of newt.
Stir it round.
Use your powers!
Ah! That's very good.
Question:
What powers does a witch possess?
Answer:
She can change her shape at will.
Ah.
She can disappear and reappear
at will.
Abracadabra!
Abracadabra!
Damn!
And she can fly upon her broomstick.
CRASH
Question: How tell ye the witch
from ordinary womenfolk?
Answer: It is, of course,
by the wart upon her nose,
and also by one peculiar mark
upon her back.
WITCH GROANS
Question: What if ye suspect
a woman that she be a witch,
and yet she bears not
any of these marks?
Answer: Take her to the water
and cast her in.
If she be borne upon the water,
it is the Devil's sign
she is a witch.
If you do sink
and rise not to the surface,
run for it.
Question: Who doth a witch attack?
Answer: The witch attack
each and every one,
but especially those
who walk with God.
WITCH CACKLES
GUNSHO
Oh, damn.
CROWD JEERING
Seize her!
Get her up!
You!
CHEERING
Come on, go on, kill her!
CHEERING
WITCH CACKLES
Damn.
Question: Can ye protect thyself
from the maleficent powers
of these said creatures,
these witches?
Answer: Verily, thou canst.
Wear always this charm about thy neck,
for of it, the Devil is sore afraid
and no witch can harm thee.
Wait, help!
Help!
Oh! Oh! Put me down!
Oh, stop it!
Argh! Help!
MUFFLED:
And that concludes this report.
Next week,
Witches - The Inside Story.
Goodbye!
Defeated at the Battle of Worcester
in 1651,
the future King Charles II hides
in the oak tree at Boscobel.
97, 98, 99, 100!
Coming!
Welcome back. And now the moment
we've all been waiting for.
Professor Weaver will complete
his re-enactment
of the execution of King Charles I.
CHOP AND THUD
Argh!
Oh, dear.
Oh, how awful.
It seems that Professor Weaver
has completed his re-enactment
of the execution of Charles.
This is indeed a sad occasion.
To us all, of course,
there must come the time
when the Grim Reaper
turns his sickle
towards our corner of the meadow.
Professor Weaver has been reaped.
Tragically, and before his time.
We shall never see his like again.
Excuse me.
Erm It's me.
No!
Yes, you see
But then who was that?
I don't know,
some very charming fellow,
came out of the audience to help me,
you see.
And I was only showing him
how it worked and
You mean to say you topped
one of the public?
The whole head came off, you see!
I didn't know.
He'd got Wilson written
inside the collar.
Oh, you No, it wasn't me.
I mean, you can ask
the visiting, viewing millions!
I'll write to both of them.
You'd tell me.
Anyway, it was you.
It was to him! Ask him!
Oh, no! Wasn't me!
I'm sorry. Apologies.
Oh, no, I'm sorry!
What? Oh, yes.
Oliver Cromwell, thank you.
Erm For nine troubled years,
Cromwell tried to rule England
as a republic.
But was this
the kind of cur government
the people really wanted?
Did the people want a king back?
The young Samuel Pepys,
a rising literary figure,
was in a unique position
to examine this question.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's The Pepys Show.
And here's our host, Samuel Pepys!
APPLAUSE
Hello, good evening, welcome.
The new authorised version
of the Bible
contains over 500 misprints.
A bishop commenting on the misprints
said he didn't mind Nora's Arc,
but that the whole question
of original sin
could be affected
by Adam and Steve.
LAUGHTER
Sir Isaac
HE CHUCKLES
Sir Isaac Newton fell 90 feet from
an oak tree in his garden today.
In hospital, he was reported
to be very pleased.
And reports have been confirmed
that the son of Charles I is abroad.
CLEARS HIS THROAT,
LAUGHTER
Bit slow there, bit slow there.
Thank you. But undoubtedly,
the greatest news this week
has been the dramatic decline
of the government's popularity.
Will Cromwell resign?
Will the monarchy be restored?
Well, here to answer
some of these questions,
we have the Lord Protector himself,
please welcome Oliver Cromwell!
APPLAUSE
Oliver, lovely to have you
on the show.
Well, thank you, Samuel.
Oliver, can I begin by asking you
the question
that's on everybody's minds,
why is your government
so disastrously unpopular?
Is it the very repressive
legislation?
Is it the army?
Or is it your own basically complete
failure as a national leader?
Yes, well, I'm very glad
you asked that question, Samuel,
very glad indeed,
because it's raised
some very important points,
and what's more,
I'm very glad you raised them,
as indeed, you have,
and I'm very glad you have.
Yes.
Er Could you be more precise
there on that?
Well, for a start, I mean,
there's no proof, is there,
that my government is unpopular
in any way at all.
Why don't you get knotted, Cromwell?
Oh, please. I can only answer
one question at a time.
Why don't you quit
before somebody kicks you out?
Look, Mr Pepys
has asked me a question,
and I intend to answer it.
LIGHT APPLAUSE
Thank you.
As I was saying,
there's no evidence to suggest
that my government is at all
unpopular in any way whatsoever.
THEY CHANT: Out! Out! Out! Out!
Please, please. Thank you.
I do detect a slight ripple
of disagreement there, Oliver.
Can we just ask our audience?
Would those in our audience
who support the Cromwell government
raise their hands?
I see. And those who want to see
Cromwell overthrown
and the monarchy restored?
One, two, three about 500.
Thank you.
We've never based our support
upon people who can raise
their right hand.
I mean, our support has always been
upon the army.
Yes, well, can I stop you there
a moment, Oliver?
'Cause I think we have in the studio
four members of your New Model Army.
Are they there?
Yes, there they are, in the front.
Would one of you like
to sum up your objections?
WELSH ACCENT: I would, Sammy, bach.
I speak for the army, and we find
conditions is getting very bad.
Nobody don't take
a blind bit of notice.
May I remind you that
Now, look you here,
you had your say.
Filth, filth, filth, filth,
that's what I say, filth!
Many years ago, I can tell you
Filth, filth, filth, filth!
Oh, will you shut up?
Please, man over there?
I'm a cannibal,
I haven't eaten for a week.
Hasn't eaten for a week.
Give him a hand.
APPLAUSE
Ah! Thank you, thank you.
No, seriously, seriously,
can you sum up your arguments?
We're running out of time.
Well, with all due respect,
I say the people of this country
are fed up with
Oliver Two-Face Cromwell
and his rotten, filthy government,
with all due respect.
CROWD: Hear, hear!
Our government has had
a lot of problems to face,
not least of which has been
600 years of royalist misrule.
UPROAR
Just because there's a lot of people
in the audience shaking their heads,
hissing, booing very loudly
and using abusive language,
doesn't mean to say I'm unpopular.
Ah, you see, I mean,
there's an example.
They're throwing me the food
out of their own mouths.
It's certainly been
in someone's mouth.
UPROAR,
CROMWELL SHOUTS
Man in the back row there?
I'm an insomniac and
Thank you, there we must stop.
ALL SHOUTING
Two years after the death
of Cromwell,
Charles II ascended the throne
of England.
The republic was dead.
So, with the monarchy
safely restored,
we take a break in this examination
of Britain's past.
But perhaps one day,
you'll be joining us again,
for many stories
still remain to be told.
AMERICAN ANNOUNCER:
Thrill, as James Watt,
inspired by the kettle,
invents the steam engine!
STEAM WHISTLING
Salute the fall of Nelson!
CRASH
See the gay side of Queen Victoria!
See Sir Robert Peel
start the police force!
BANG
Yes, it's all part
of the rich pageant
that goes to make up
in which the scores
were as follows.
Wallace Eaton - five kings,
two popes, one archbishop,
one bishop, one newspaper salesman.
Michael Palin -
ten kings, one cardinal,
one parson, one queen.
Terry Jones - five kings, one queen,
one witch, one saint, one loony.
Colin Gordon - one narrator.
Roddy Maude-Roxy - one historian.
And the Barmy Army as ten cavemen,
eight heralds,
three monks, 614 peasants,
1237 serfs,
four French soldiers,
86 English soldiers
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
# Designer Bryan Bagge
# Producer Humphrey Barclay
# Director
Maurice Murphy. ♪
COIN RATTLES
Thank you, thank you very much.
BELL TOLLS
Remember, remember,
the 5th of November,
gunpowder, treason and
JOLLY MUSIC
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
# It's all in separate episodes
# In separate episodes
# In separate episodes
# The Complete And Utter
# The Complete And Utter
# This Complete And Utter
# History
Episode six. ♪
Good evening and welcome.
After the death of Queen Elizabeth
in 1603,
the English throne
passed to James I,
son of Mary, Queen of Scots.
How did this Scotsman adapt himself
to becoming King of England as well?
Watch with me now as James I
makes his first address
to his new countrymen.
SCOTTISH ACCENT:
Good evening, och, aye, gan awa,
and happy Christmas
to you all, eh?
I'd like to say hello
to my dad in Paisley,
Dougie in Galashiels,
And the McGregors
in Dunfermline toon the noo.
May the gran that smacked
the knackers on thee
knack the smackers on thee the noo.
Aye, they'll be singing tonight,
gan Willie, the crofters' boy!
Ya-hoo! Wa-hee!
CLEARS THROA
Now then, McSubjects,
my name's James I,
and I'm your new King, so there.
Now, this is the first time
that our two nations,
England and Scotland,
have been joined together.
I want to assure you that all
my objects will be treated equally,
be they Scotsmen true
or dirty sassenachs.
I want to tell you for a moment
about my theory
of absolute monarchy.
Basically, it's very simple,
I'm King and you're not.
No, this doesn't mean
I want everyone
bowing and scraping
and kissing my feet.
There'll be special people
to do that.
What it does mean
is that I don't want to hear
anyone calling me Sonny Jim
or Jim The Jock,
or ask me if I can play
the bagpipes.
Now, I'd like to say a few words
at this Christmastide also
about the divine right of kings.
Yeah, the divine right of kings
is not an attempt to make myself
into God,
God forbid - and so I did.
It merely means that
I'm God's chosen instrument,
and as such, can do very little,
if anything, wrong.
Now, the divine right of kings
is not going to
SMASH
The divine right of kings
is not going to change anything.
And just to prove this, I shall be
keeping the same Archbishop
and the same Chancellor
as good Queen Elizabeth before me.
Well, happy Christmas,
McSubjects McEverywhere,
I must be away to speak
to the great power,
my chief adviser.
Hallelujah, hallelujah. ♪
It was during the reign of James I
that a small band of Puritans,
later known as the Pilgrim Fathers,
were to leave Plymouth to found
the first English colony in America.
What would they find in America?
What would the natives be like?
And who would be on their side?
It was a courageous decision,
but what made them choose
this uncharted continent?
WHISTLING
SHOP BELL RINGS
Morning, gents. Can I help you?
You certainly can.
We wish to go abroad.
Oh, well, what about Spain, then?
Lots of fun this time of year.
We don't want lots of fun.
Oh, I see, somewhere quiet.
Honeymoon, is it?
Certainly not!
Oh, no.
We wish to go somewhere where
we can practice our own way of life,
undisturbed by the vices and
temptations of the world around us.
How about Ramsgate?
Oh, no use at all.
It must be completely unbearable,
somewhere where
we might indeed perish.
Oh, well, they do say
how it's the worst place on Earth
this time of year,
is north-east America.
Oh! You interest me.
It's really desolate, is it?
Oh, yes, blimey. And what's more,
it involves a hazardous sea journey.
Icebergs, storms,
all that sort of thing.
Oh, so we might indeed perish
on the journey?
I think you very well may, actually.
Oh.
That's excellent. We'll have five.
Right.
On an uncomfortable ship.
Ah, well, I should think
your best bet's the Mayflower.
That's sunk twice
in the last six months.
Sounds very promising.
I'll put you down third class,
all right?
Haven't you got anything lower?
That's the worst we've got,
I'm afraid.
It's all right,
there's no ventilation.
Oh, well, it's a small thing,
but something.
Right, there we are, then,
five tickets to America.
Two and eight, please.
You sail Friday. Have a nice time!
I mean,
hope you nearly perish to death.
Miserable Puritans!
FURTIVE WHISTLES
Hello, girls. Here you are!
Give these to your husbands.
We're sailing on Friday.
We'll see you down The Red Lion
Friday night, eh?
Come on, you lovely dollies!
APPLAUSE
Charles I succeeded James I,
and tried to rule
without calling a Parliament.
This led to civil war,
and cost Charles his life
on the scaffold.
It is about the execution
of Charles I in 1649
that Professor Weaver has chosen
to enlighten us tonight.
Good evening.
I've really gone to town tonight.
I've spent my entire savings
on this wonderful Charles I costume
to show you what really went on
in 1649.
Unfortunately, I hadn't saved
quite as much as I'd expected,
so I've been unable to complete
the picture.
If you bear with me, though,
and you'll see what I mean.
Or if you don't.
Now, I want you imagine, if you can,
that you are the crowd
outside Whitehall,
and it's three o'clock
two o'clock!
The King is about to appear.
Now, I've got to disappear to appear
as the King, you understand?
You understand what I'm doing?
I'm just going off
to come on as the King.
I'll be the King.
You'll recognise me when I come.
Here comes the King!
That was me, you see.
Now, right, here he comes,
the King, the King,
making his way majestically
towards the scaffold.
As he came to the scaffold,
so he mounted.
Like that? No, of course not.
A king, a true king to the end,
he entered with great majesty
and bearing,
making his way majestically
up the scaffold,
and so to the block.
And then pausing for a moment,
he knelt and laid his head
Ah, there, now there's the chopper,
you see.
That's nothing to do with him,
he doesn't meet that till later.
Now, we want that
quite out of the way.
Now, this block, of course,
is not the real, actual block.
This is another block
which I bought for 22 and six
from the railway
lost property offices, bargain.
It's been weatherproofed, you know,
absolutely safe for children.
Absolutely perfect. The King laid
his head on the block, you see.
Oh. And at four minutes pass two,
as the clock struck, the axe fell.
And it's that dramatic moment
that I'll be bringing you
later in the programme,
well, I've made a few, erm
preparations, you see?
I've got to make a few
As Charles I said, don't miss it.
Erm Could you help
knock my block off, please?
Er Help!
No, I'm, I'm Help.
Damn.
Professor Weaver, with part one
of King Charles's execution.
One of the most powerful themes
of the time was witchcraft.
Belief in witches was widespread,
and the suppression of them gave
some people a full-time occupation.
This we now present a film
which was only recently discovered,
which instructs the trainee
witch-finder in his grisly trade.
Question: What is it a witch?
Answer: A witch is one that has sold
her soul to the very Devil,
and in return, doth exercise
most monstrous powers of magic.
SOFT CACKLING
Rabbit's foot.
Odour of newt.
Stir it round.
Use your powers!
Ah! That's very good.
Question:
What powers does a witch possess?
Answer:
She can change her shape at will.
Ah.
She can disappear and reappear
at will.
Abracadabra!
Abracadabra!
Damn!
And she can fly upon her broomstick.
CRASH
Question: How tell ye the witch
from ordinary womenfolk?
Answer: It is, of course,
by the wart upon her nose,
and also by one peculiar mark
upon her back.
WITCH GROANS
Question: What if ye suspect
a woman that she be a witch,
and yet she bears not
any of these marks?
Answer: Take her to the water
and cast her in.
If she be borne upon the water,
it is the Devil's sign
she is a witch.
If you do sink
and rise not to the surface,
run for it.
Question: Who doth a witch attack?
Answer: The witch attack
each and every one,
but especially those
who walk with God.
WITCH CACKLES
GUNSHO
Oh, damn.
CROWD JEERING
Seize her!
Get her up!
You!
CHEERING
Come on, go on, kill her!
CHEERING
WITCH CACKLES
Damn.
Question: Can ye protect thyself
from the maleficent powers
of these said creatures,
these witches?
Answer: Verily, thou canst.
Wear always this charm about thy neck,
for of it, the Devil is sore afraid
and no witch can harm thee.
Wait, help!
Help!
Oh! Oh! Put me down!
Oh, stop it!
Argh! Help!
MUFFLED:
And that concludes this report.
Next week,
Witches - The Inside Story.
Goodbye!
Defeated at the Battle of Worcester
in 1651,
the future King Charles II hides
in the oak tree at Boscobel.
97, 98, 99, 100!
Coming!
Welcome back. And now the moment
we've all been waiting for.
Professor Weaver will complete
his re-enactment
of the execution of King Charles I.
CHOP AND THUD
Argh!
Oh, dear.
Oh, how awful.
It seems that Professor Weaver
has completed his re-enactment
of the execution of Charles.
This is indeed a sad occasion.
To us all, of course,
there must come the time
when the Grim Reaper
turns his sickle
towards our corner of the meadow.
Professor Weaver has been reaped.
Tragically, and before his time.
We shall never see his like again.
Excuse me.
Erm It's me.
No!
Yes, you see
But then who was that?
I don't know,
some very charming fellow,
came out of the audience to help me,
you see.
And I was only showing him
how it worked and
You mean to say you topped
one of the public?
The whole head came off, you see!
I didn't know.
He'd got Wilson written
inside the collar.
Oh, you No, it wasn't me.
I mean, you can ask
the visiting, viewing millions!
I'll write to both of them.
You'd tell me.
Anyway, it was you.
It was to him! Ask him!
Oh, no! Wasn't me!
I'm sorry. Apologies.
Oh, no, I'm sorry!
What? Oh, yes.
Oliver Cromwell, thank you.
Erm For nine troubled years,
Cromwell tried to rule England
as a republic.
But was this
the kind of cur government
the people really wanted?
Did the people want a king back?
The young Samuel Pepys,
a rising literary figure,
was in a unique position
to examine this question.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's The Pepys Show.
And here's our host, Samuel Pepys!
APPLAUSE
Hello, good evening, welcome.
The new authorised version
of the Bible
contains over 500 misprints.
A bishop commenting on the misprints
said he didn't mind Nora's Arc,
but that the whole question
of original sin
could be affected
by Adam and Steve.
LAUGHTER
Sir Isaac
HE CHUCKLES
Sir Isaac Newton fell 90 feet from
an oak tree in his garden today.
In hospital, he was reported
to be very pleased.
And reports have been confirmed
that the son of Charles I is abroad.
CLEARS HIS THROAT,
LAUGHTER
Bit slow there, bit slow there.
Thank you. But undoubtedly,
the greatest news this week
has been the dramatic decline
of the government's popularity.
Will Cromwell resign?
Will the monarchy be restored?
Well, here to answer
some of these questions,
we have the Lord Protector himself,
please welcome Oliver Cromwell!
APPLAUSE
Oliver, lovely to have you
on the show.
Well, thank you, Samuel.
Oliver, can I begin by asking you
the question
that's on everybody's minds,
why is your government
so disastrously unpopular?
Is it the very repressive
legislation?
Is it the army?
Or is it your own basically complete
failure as a national leader?
Yes, well, I'm very glad
you asked that question, Samuel,
very glad indeed,
because it's raised
some very important points,
and what's more,
I'm very glad you raised them,
as indeed, you have,
and I'm very glad you have.
Yes.
Er Could you be more precise
there on that?
Well, for a start, I mean,
there's no proof, is there,
that my government is unpopular
in any way at all.
Why don't you get knotted, Cromwell?
Oh, please. I can only answer
one question at a time.
Why don't you quit
before somebody kicks you out?
Look, Mr Pepys
has asked me a question,
and I intend to answer it.
LIGHT APPLAUSE
Thank you.
As I was saying,
there's no evidence to suggest
that my government is at all
unpopular in any way whatsoever.
THEY CHANT: Out! Out! Out! Out!
Please, please. Thank you.
I do detect a slight ripple
of disagreement there, Oliver.
Can we just ask our audience?
Would those in our audience
who support the Cromwell government
raise their hands?
I see. And those who want to see
Cromwell overthrown
and the monarchy restored?
One, two, three about 500.
Thank you.
We've never based our support
upon people who can raise
their right hand.
I mean, our support has always been
upon the army.
Yes, well, can I stop you there
a moment, Oliver?
'Cause I think we have in the studio
four members of your New Model Army.
Are they there?
Yes, there they are, in the front.
Would one of you like
to sum up your objections?
WELSH ACCENT: I would, Sammy, bach.
I speak for the army, and we find
conditions is getting very bad.
Nobody don't take
a blind bit of notice.
May I remind you that
Now, look you here,
you had your say.
Filth, filth, filth, filth,
that's what I say, filth!
Many years ago, I can tell you
Filth, filth, filth, filth!
Oh, will you shut up?
Please, man over there?
I'm a cannibal,
I haven't eaten for a week.
Hasn't eaten for a week.
Give him a hand.
APPLAUSE
Ah! Thank you, thank you.
No, seriously, seriously,
can you sum up your arguments?
We're running out of time.
Well, with all due respect,
I say the people of this country
are fed up with
Oliver Two-Face Cromwell
and his rotten, filthy government,
with all due respect.
CROWD: Hear, hear!
Our government has had
a lot of problems to face,
not least of which has been
600 years of royalist misrule.
UPROAR
Just because there's a lot of people
in the audience shaking their heads,
hissing, booing very loudly
and using abusive language,
doesn't mean to say I'm unpopular.
Ah, you see, I mean,
there's an example.
They're throwing me the food
out of their own mouths.
It's certainly been
in someone's mouth.
UPROAR,
CROMWELL SHOUTS
Man in the back row there?
I'm an insomniac and
Thank you, there we must stop.
ALL SHOUTING
Two years after the death
of Cromwell,
Charles II ascended the throne
of England.
The republic was dead.
So, with the monarchy
safely restored,
we take a break in this examination
of Britain's past.
But perhaps one day,
you'll be joining us again,
for many stories
still remain to be told.
AMERICAN ANNOUNCER:
Thrill, as James Watt,
inspired by the kettle,
invents the steam engine!
STEAM WHISTLING
Salute the fall of Nelson!
CRASH
See the gay side of Queen Victoria!
See Sir Robert Peel
start the police force!
BANG
Yes, it's all part
of the rich pageant
that goes to make up
in which the scores
were as follows.
Wallace Eaton - five kings,
two popes, one archbishop,
one bishop, one newspaper salesman.
Michael Palin -
ten kings, one cardinal,
one parson, one queen.
Terry Jones - five kings, one queen,
one witch, one saint, one loony.
Colin Gordon - one narrator.
Roddy Maude-Roxy - one historian.
And the Barmy Army as ten cavemen,
eight heralds,
three monks, 614 peasants,
1237 serfs,
four French soldiers,
86 English soldiers
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
# Designer Bryan Bagge
# Producer Humphrey Barclay
# Director
Maurice Murphy. ♪
COIN RATTLES
Thank you, thank you very much.