Cooper Barretts Guide to Surviving Life (2016) s01e06 Episode Script

1 When you're in your 20s, disputes with your landlord can land you in some pretty compromising situations! My contacts are fusing to my eyeballs! Also, we're gonna die, aren't we?! Probably, yeah! My name is Cooper Barrett.
My friends and I are here to mess up our lives so you don't have to.
I know I've said this before, but I mean it this time - no more tequila, ever.
- What? No.
But tequila makes you break dance and talk in a bad British accent.
My accent is bloody brilliant.
I could literally talk like this all day.
That's not even close.
Okay, well, good night pal.
Yeah.
See you tomorrow buddy.
Quick question: How are we gonna deal with the incredible amount of sexual tension between us? We are going to ignore it.
Can you just admit that the kiss we had at the Clippers game was unbelievable.
I've never been to a Clippers game.
Fine.
We don't have to talk about it.
All right, fine, I admit it.
The kiss was amazing.
I'm just scared that if we try it again, that same magic's not gonna be there.
Sure.
It's like watching The Goonies again when you're 20.
Right, I don't know what that means.
But I think, instead of trying to recreate it, we should just be grateful for that moment and move on.
Or Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.
Wow, this is really happening, huh? Feels so right.
Oh.
Something's touching my leg.
I feel like it's less romantic if we call it out.
God, no.
It's your stupid pet pig, James Franco.
You guys treat him like a human being.
We know he's an animal, all right? Brush your teeth, James Franco, or no Fallon! Come on.
Now where were we? I know I've said this before, but I mean it this time.
Vodka is delicious.
Barry, code black! I repeat, code black! But code black means that Cooper and Kelly are about to have se gregated washrooms.
Saved it.
What's up, guys? What's crack-a-lacking? - Go away.
- That's a weird code.
Go to the room, use the bathroom.
All right, now where were we? Is something wrong? Yes! It's the pig, two roommates, one functioning wall outlet and a giant patch of black mold on the ceiling.
Oh, that's not black mold we had an electrical fire.
Which killed the black mold.
Cooper, this apartment is killing my lady boner.
- What? - I think you need to call Virgil - and get some repairs.
- Absolutely not.
I mean, sure, he's not the best landlord, but our rent is cheap and he lets us keep James Franco, so I'm not gonna rock the boat over some minor repairs.
Now Now, where were we? What? - Hey, Virgil.
- Hi.
How's everyone's favorite landlord? I'm not here.
Okay, well, when you are here, can you leave you a message? Hey, Virgil, there's something wrong with our apartment, and we'd really appreciate it if you just came down and Hey, are those my headphones? No proof.
They say "Neal" on the side.
I had them custom made, but the package never got delivered.
"Neal" is foreign brand.
Very big.
- Is that my shirt? - Lies.
Oh, hold on.
Lies, my ass, okay? It's three sizes too big and it has the face of Santa Claus on it.
That's Frederick Douglass.
The face of Frederick Douglass.
I wear as a nightgown.
Look, look, Virgil, a giant tree just fell into our apartment.
Okay.
What tree? This gigantic tree was not here when we moved in.
This is two bedroom, one tree, always.
Well, in that case, that's on us.
Look, are you gonna fix the apartment or not? How do I know you did not put tree here, hmm? Uh, because if we put a tree in here, it would be oak, not this tacky pine.
Oh, come on, I know you kids and your parties with your trees.
Perverts.
This is exactly why everyone in the building thinks you're a horrible landlord.
Who else thinks bad of Virgil, hmm? Nobody.
Was it Kelly? - Yes.
- Yes, it was Kelly.
That is correct Yep, you're right on the nose.
Don't you do something Just keep something, something I said, "Something, something" She said, "Shut up and dance with me!" Hey! If you refuse to fix our apartment, we will take legal action.
Oh, no, I am scared like a girl.
Well, you should be scared like girl.
Just so happens, my brother is the most feared, most dangerous real estate attorney in all Los Angeles.
That sounds like the worst TV show ever.
I disagree.
It could be called Lethal Escrow.
Guys.
I fear nothing but rejection from film festival.
You don't have a leg to stand on, Virgil.
We have a lease.
This is literally the worst lease I've ever seen in my life.
Uh, you mind if I make a copy of this? The boys at the office are gonna love it.
There's got to be something in there that makes him responsible for the tree.
No, but there's a hell of a lot of other stuff.
Like a 3:00 a.
m.
curfew for any adult male cat.
He gets Prima Nocta on any new showerheads.
That's actually a good idea.
There's something in here that just says, "No Thanksgiving.
" Oh, in two years, everyone has to pitch in and take care of Virgil's Uncle Gohar.
Oh, I knew about Uncle Gohar.
If we don't take care of the older generation, who will? I can't believe you guys dragged me into this.
I had to rinse my hair with bottled water.
And, yes, we agree it looks fantastic, but it was really expensive.
Josh, what can we do? I don't know, buy a cheaper brand of water.
About the lease.
Cut a deal.
It's your only option.
Come on, guys, just say it.
- I'm not doing it.
- Come on.
Let's just say it so we can start.
Virgil is the best landlord ever.
All other landlords will perish at his feet.
Negotiations may begin.
What'll it take for you to get rid of our tree? And fix my water? I will fix all the problems if Kelly and I switch apartments.
- Done.
- Um, excuse me, no.
My apartment is three times the size of yours.
- No, think of another option.
- Fine.
If you three give up pig.
Done.
Virgil is the worst landlord ever, and I'm including Donald Sterling.
You guys are getting rid of that pig, right? You seriously expect us to kick a 300-pound pig out of our place when you can easily move into an apartment that's one-third the size of your current apartment? I know you guys love that pig.
Don't you think it's time to grow up a little? Whoa! Since when did you become the security guard at Sunglass Hut? Terrance is really bossy, and he talks down to me all the time, and I don't appreciate it.
Bottom line is, we're not giving up of James Franco.
All right, well, I'm not giving up my apartment.
Here's the thing, though I can shower at the gym.
You guys got to live with a giant tree in your living room.
Okay, I think you'd be surprised by what we can live with.
Oh, hey, Kelly.
- Hey! - Oh, hey! We're just chilling in our perfectly livable apartment.
Want me to cut you a seat? Hey, Barry, could you pass me the cream, please? Oh, yeah.
No problem.
You know, this tree is the best thing that's ever happened to us.
You know, we give it a couple days, we're gonna have syrup up in here.
Ha, ha.
Well done.
You guys are not fooling me.
I know this tree is driving you nuts.
- What? - Speaking of nuts, there's a stash right here.
What was that, Rudy? What's up, Rudy? We're not fooling you.
We straight-up love the tree.
Oh, by the way, if you get tired of showering at the gym, it's gonna rain in, like, ten minutes, so now no peeksies.
Okay.
I can't believe I almost kissed you again.
Anyone else think the tree sucks? - Yes! - It's the worst.
Okay, here's the plan.
We're gonna stash James Franco somewhere safe until Virgil comes to fix the apartment.
I love it, but where are we gonna stash a giant pig? Josh the kid's asleep, and that's all it takes to turn me on these days.
Come on.
It's sex time.
Josh?! - Yeah.
- Why is there a pig - in our bed? - Sweetie, you know that the sheets in the guest room are like sandpaper.
Oh, by the way, do you mind if we pork-sit Cooper's pig for a few weeks? - Get out! - You heard her.
Let's go.
- It's sex time.
Come on.
- No, not the pig.
You.
Get out! Yeah, I get it.
Okay.
Yeah! Get her! How happy are you guys to get rid of this thing? Honestly, I am so proud of you guys for giving up James.
Yeah, I know.
It's sad, but we're making an old woman in Oregon very happy.
Stop! Stop! Sorry, guys.
Leslie won't give me sex with a pig in the room.
It is what it is.
I never fix tree, water, nothing! Dimitri, let's go listen Coldplay.
Come on, Virgil, no.
Please wait.
About the whole Oregon thing Save it, okay? I have to go shower, and Mrs.
Pascal's sprinkler turns on in two minutes.
Well You know what our problem is? We have no leverage over Virgil.
So we have to start making his life miserable till he agrees to our demands.
Remember this? Ready? Yeah! Yeah! What the hell, Virgil?! We play some loud music, and you shoot at us?! You missed me by three inches! I could have died! This was supposed to be fun! You were supposed to turn up our heat or something! Sorry to disturb you, sir.
- Sorry.
- Never mind.
You have a good night, okay? Bye.
Guys? Guys?! Take Neal! Don't shoot! - What time is it? - 2:00 in the afternoon.
Rough night? Oh, you have no idea.
Our CD/DVD tower is destroyed, Virgil's been shooting at us, and Neal's stuck to the counter 'cause Barry had maple syrup earlier.
- Hey.
- Listen, guys, um, there's just there-there's something that I want to tell you.
You feel bad about being difficult, and you want to make out right now.
- No.
- It's cool.
I'll just go brush my teeth.
James Franco? Oh, my God, James Franco is gone! Virgil must have took him while we were sleeping.
You know what? This is it! He's gone too far.
Really? This is worse than shooting at us? Virgil didn't take your pig.
Who did? I did.
You Aah! You monster! Where exactly did you take James Franco? To a place where he can live happily.
Have you lost your freakin' mind? You didn't even pack any of his things! What things?! His smartphone, his little work boots, his shiny sunglasses, underwear, backpack, milk, "I Don't Eat Bacon" sticker for the back of his ass.
I can't believe you would resort to this just to have your water turned back on.
No, this isn't about my water.
It's about you guys.
You've put up with giant trees and people shooting at you through the floor because you're not mature enough to give up a pig who was never meant to live indoors? You take that back.
This is his dream apartment! Okay, we're gonna go get him.
Take us to whatever hellhole you brought him to.
This is no place for an animal.
Look, James Franco is enjoying his own personal hot tub.
Tonight, he'll dine on the finest of organic slop while enjoying the company of other animals.
What about people? James Franco likes people! Like that? Okay, you know what? That's it.
We're getting him out of here.
I'm gonna get the truck.
Neal, knock over these kids.
Great.
I'm on it.
- Guys, guys, guys, look at him.
- Neal! She's right.
He's glowing.
Maybe it's the right place for him.
I'll never let go! Pretty different, right? I mean, it looks like actual human beings live here.
And, oh, my God, is this a houseplant? We got kind of used to the tree and figured this was a happy medium.
Anne Hathaway, meet Kelly.
Kelly, Anne Hathaway.
Cooper Barrett, seriously, I'm impressed.
I'm impressed.
This place is all grown up.
Barry or Neal here? Uh, it's Thursday, so right now, they're out hunting for the Zodiac Killer.
Why'd you ask? Uh, look, Kelly, I'm sorry.
I just don't feel like myself right now.
- Please tell me this is not about the pig.
- It's about the pig.
- I don't get it.
- That's 'cause you're a heartless monster.
Explain to me, what is so important about James Franco.
The first night we spent in this apartment, we woke up and he was here, and he's been with us every moment since.
I mean, the birthdays, the Super Bowl, those couple of months we were friends with Topher Grace.
I thought we weren't gonna talk about that.
Look, I know the petting zoo is a better place for him and we all have to grow up, but with James gone, it's it's kind of a reminder it's happening really fast.
Hey.
I need a pig back.
Uh, what's it look like? Uh, well, he's got a long, white, silky mane.
It's got a big, giant horn sticking out of his head.
What do you mean, "What does he look like?" He's a giant pig named James Franco.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's my friends' pig, and-and I only just now realized how much it means to them, so I need it back.
They need it back.
- He's gone.
- Wait, what? A pig like him was never meant for a petting zoo.
All he wanted to do was lay around and watch TV.
Keeping him here just seemed cruel.
Well, where did you send him? A slaughterhouse.
I'm gonna say this I miss the tree.
- Yes! Thank you.
- Yeah.
Barry! Were you eating pancakes on the sofa? Yeah, why? Hey, Barry.
Hey, guys.
Good, good.
Listen, I have some bad news.
Uh, but it's better news than, say, that missing plane.
Remember that? That plane's actually still missing.
Kelly, what happened? Can't you drive any faster? What's the point? He's probably bacon or sausage by now.
Hey, that's our pig you're talking about! You think we could stop at a drive-through? Look, the zoo manager told Kelly James Franco was picked up just an hour ago.
So we get to Westfield Meats, and we stop it.
'Cause that's what we do.
We have each other's backs.
Right! And we don't assign blame and we don't focus on who might have caused - a particular problem.
- Did you say "Westfield Meats"? Josh, turn around! Slow down! I'm slowing down.
Whew! I feel like a badass getaway driver.
- Stay in the minivan.
- Feeling gone.
Okay, Barry, Neal, you distract the truck driver.
Cooper, you're with me.
Come on.
Hey, buddy.
Here to bust you out.
Better hurry up.
The trucker's already paid.
Okay.
Hey there, fellow trucker! How's the road treating you? Uh, can't complain.
Every day's a good day when it's not raining.
I hear that.
That's not how you do it.
- Then how do you do it?! - I don't know.
Leslie usually handles this kind of stuff.
There's nothing us truckers hate more than the rain.
You got that right, pal.
Except maybe those who deny that Israel is a sovereign nation with the right to defend itself.
Great.
Start the car! - We got to go! - What happened?! He started talking politics! Josh, we're set.
Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! No! Josh! Josh! - I don't think he's following us.
- Yeah, we did it! I hate to put a damper on things, guys, but where are Cooper and/or Kelly? And where's the trailer? Hey! - Hey! - Hey! - What are you doing?! - What are you doing?! We got James Franco! - Slow down, Josh! Slow down! - Help! Help! Help! We're gonna die, aren't we?! Probably, yeah! And all to get back a pig our landlord won't even let us have.
No, he will.
I agreed to change apartments with him after I realized how much the pig meant to you.
That is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me! - Truck! - Truck! Dr.
Levy, pick up line two.
Dr.
Levy, pick up line two.
How is she? She's in recovery but stable.
- Can we see her? - Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
I told you James Franco was getting freaky on those little pig playdates.
Aw, James Franco's a mom.
- I never thought I'd live to see this.
- Well, you wouldn't have if that truck driver hadn't had such good reflexes.
Question: why did you name her James Franco if you knew that she was a girl? Couldn't tell the sex when we found her, and James Franco the actor was killing it back then.
Yeah.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2 and Tristan and Isolde.
Are you kidding me? Well, anyway, I now so see why you kept James that first night.
I don't know how anyone could be miserable holding this little guy.
I have an idea.
Now I have found a reason to live.
So Kelly can keep her apartment? Yes, she keeps.
Now leave before I shoot you.
Mmm, Elsa.
Elsa, give Virgil a kiss.
Give Virgil a kiss.
So what have we learned? Well, always read your lease; a tree can really open up a room; and even the meanest, most psychotic landlord can have a soft side.
Hey.
I just spoke to Virgil.
Thank you so much.
Oh, thank you.
I have my pig back, and the place looks great.
Yeah.
- So, about that kiss - Smooth segue.
I know what you're gonna say, and I totally agree.
There's been way too much buildup.
Yeah.
Exactly.
I mean, we've been talking about it for weeks.
I just feel like the moment's passed.
Yeah.
100% agree.
We're on the same page.
All right.
Well, thanks again for talking to Virgil.
You're a really good friend.
I'd do anything for you, buddy.
Okay.
All right.
Well, see you later, pal.
See you later.
Magic's totally gone, right? Yeah.
Totally.
That kiss was just, uh - Cool.
- Okay.
Josh! Yeah.
Guys, not on the pillow.
You're never getting laid again.
Come on, guys.