Crashing (US) (2017) s01e06 Episode Script

1 [sighs.]
So thanks again, guys.
This this was a real lifesaver.
Don't even mention it, dude.
Anytime.
No, I would've been homeless, - so you really saved me.
- Russell: Dude, listen, I'm sorry, but, like, I'd have you stay longer, but, you know, my cousin's coming to town.
You know how that is.
Don't mention it.
Family family first.
I get it.
- Russell: Peace out, man.
- Bye.
- Russell: Oh! - Every time.
- You're gonna miss that, aren't you? - I am.
I left my key on the tub.
Thank you.
See you, Pete.
[door closes.]
Did he buy it? I do not care.
That guy sucks.
- - [people chattering.]
[line rings.]
- [line clicks.]
- Hello? - Artie? - Artie [on phone.]
: Uh, Pete! Hey, what's up, man? Artie: Hey, what's going on with you, man? I haven't seen you since Albany.
You were holding coke for me up there.
I I'm sorry, man.
That woman was gonna take you down a dark path.
I I had to intercept.
- I I thwarted you.
I'm - Artie:You thwarted me? Yeah, I'm sorry.
I I thought maybe you're mad? Artie: Mad? Are you kidding me? I'm proud of ya.
I mean, I thought you I dunno.
Listen, she was all right looking.
Did you fuck her? It was the craziest night of my life.
I I got pepper-sprayed by that woman, then we went back to her place, she gave me cocaine, and I pretended to do cocaine.
[both laughing.]
Sorry.
Is someone Is someone else there? I Okay, hold on.
Wait.
You were pepper-sprayed and then, um like, how do you pretend to do cocaine? You hold the cocaine up to your face, but you blow out instead of sucking in.
[on phone.]
Sorry, who is this? Well, listen, man, you're on my podcast, - and that's Sarah Silverman.
- Hi, Peaches.
Artie, you Hi, Sarah.
Big fan.
I wanna hear more about this story.
This is a good story.
Yeah, yeah, get over here, man.
We'll we'll fuck around on the air.
You You want me to come on your podcast with Sarah Silverman? - [laughing.]
- Yeah, yeah, come on down.
Sarah, if I can just say that Wreck-It Ralph is maybe one of my favorite movies Definitely one of my favorite movies of all time All right, whatever.
Okay, great.
Hello? Okay.
Sarah: I was already a comedian when I lost my virginity.
I was 19, but, you know, it was True story.
I lost my virginity to a Brazilian hooker in the back of my father's handicap van.
No lie.
It was in the parking lot of a diner.
- Sarah: Sounds so right.
- Artie: I miss her.
I actually miss her.
Now, Pete, have you lost your virginity yet? I have had sex with a woman, my wife.
Artie: Oh, your wife.
On our wedding night.
That's when I lost my virginity.
Your wedding night.
You waited.
Yeah, well yes.
It's in the Bible not to have sex before marriage.
- It is? - Pete: So, we would like dry-hump and Oh my God, I miss dry-humping.
Artie: Me too.
I miss the third grade.
Dry-humping's romantic.
It's like a friction-based cum.
- [laughs.]
That's right.
- Please.
Well, if you love dry-humping, you'll be happy to know that it's very big in the Christian community Well into your late 20s.
Oh my God, when I was six and seven, I was so slutty with the furniture in my house.
I I felt guilty.
I thought I was cheating with the corner of my bed - with the corner of the couch.
- [laughter.]
I'm just saying, we were very "wait till marriage" people, - and so - But that's just a loophole.
If you're not supposed to have sex, and then you're just grinding and creaming your jeans - Artie: Really, yeah.
- you think you're tricking God? "You better be cumming in your pants and not having sex.
" - That that is how absurd it is.
- "That's important to me.
" - Artie: Think about it.
- Sex is a special thing when you wait and you've only done it with that person.
I don't You didn't have oral sex before marriage even? Well one time, but that's when I knew we were gonna get married.
- Right.
- She gave me a blow job - Artie: Oh, great.
- and instead of enjoying it, I swear, I was like, "Maybe August.
" - Like I was planning - "Maybe August" for what? - That's so romantic.
- To get married, because I knew I was only Oh! You were thinking about centerpieces - while you were getting a blow job? - Yes! It was like an engagement blow job.
You know what's a great blow job? A divorce blow job is a great blow job.
- Oh really? - Yeah.
'Cause it's not from your wife.
- Well - [laughter.]
Great live comedy tonight, guys.
We've got a great live comedy show.
Great live comedy.
Great live comedy.
Great live comedy tonight, 8:30.
Great live com Hey.
Oh.
Hey! I know this guy! Sorry, I didn't Obviously, I didn't recognize you.
- My friend Pete.
- Yeah.
- The podcast.
Podcast Pete.
- From just hours ago.
I'm honored.
Nice to see ya.
- What are you doing? - I didn't recognize you.
I'm I'm handing out fliers for the Boston.
I'm barking.
Oh, you're barking.
That's your you got a job barking.
- That's good.
- Well, yeah, I mean, I do it for stage time.
If I get five people, they let me go on at the end of the night if anyone's still there.
You don't have a job.
How do you make money? - [chattering.]
- Great live comedy, guys.
I'm kind of in-between jobs right now.
I'm flying below the radar, staying on couches, you know.
I eat a lot of free samples.
I eat 75-cent hot dogs, - then I get a lot of free toppings.
- Oh, you're homeless.
- What's that? - You're homeless.
- No.
No.
- Do you have a home? - No.
But, you know - So, you're homeless.
Not all those who wander are lost, you know? I You know, I stay on people's couches.
Where are you staying tonight? I don't have anything lined up for today, but, you know, after the show, I send out little feelers and, "Hey, what neighborhood do you live in?" Which train do you take?" And then I befriend them.
I can't.
It's so sad.
This is so sad.
And then at the end of the night, I have a pillow.
[sighs.]
All right.
I feel like homeless people are - [sighs.]
- It's another category.
When you're done tonight, go here.
You can stay at my place.
- What? Really? - Yeah.
I Wow, thank you.
You know, I'm kind of in a weird place, emotionally.
I don't know if we should be - staying - I'm not gonna fuck you.
I'm excited that you have that much moxie.
Maybe you can get your shit together after all.
- I misread the - Jesus Christ.
Ask for Steve.
He might fuck you.
Thank you, Sarah! Uh, we got a we got a We got a place to stay.
Great live comedy.
Ha! Come see me at 1:15 a.
m.
tonight.
I think if birds knew how many dumb names we call them, they'd take down a lot more planes.
Right? Just get all the birds together take out a bunch of planes.
What What is going on? Nobody showed up.
Nobody? There was a guy here earlier, but he saw what was happening, and he left.
So, what, do we just cancel everything? No show? Well, he's got a really funny new bit that he's work Working out right now.
Yeah, I barked for four hours.
Can I have this? [clears throat.]
Has anybody seen Mr.
Robot? - Anaya: Yes.
Yes.
- Just say yes so that I wish it was called Mrs.
Robot and it was about the maid from The Jetsons.
[Anaya chuckles.]
That's gotta be fleshed out.
- [beeps.]
- [on intercom.]
Hello? - Steve: Hello? - Hi.
Sorry.
Is this Steve? Steve: Who's asking? This is This is Pete? Steve: Is is that a question? - What? - Are you asking me if your name is Pete? No, this is Pete.
Like, I was being polite.
- [on intercom.]
Hi, Pete.
- Hi.
I'm a friend of Sarah, um, well, not really a friend.
[door buzzes.]
Hey, so, um, I stay upstairs, in the guest room.
You can take the couch, because Dave's got sciatica and sleeps on the floor.
There's laundry downstairs.
I'm assuming you're gonna wanna do that right away.
If there's anything in the dryer of mine, you can fold it.
- Hey.
Who's this? - Oh, Dave, this is - Hey, I'm Pete, Sarah's friend.
- Pete.
Did you bring a toothbrush? - What? - Did you bring a toothbrush? I Yes, I have a toothbrush.
Well, good, because a lot of people come here, they don't bring a toothbrush, then I go in there, and I see my toothbrush is a little amiss, but I can't be sure, so I touch it.
It's damp to the touch, but I'm still not sure.
So, if you could leave yours on the counter, it would really put me at ease.
- Put it on the counter.
- I can do that.
So, Sarah's letting you stay here too? Yeah, that's right.
Weren't you on her TV show? I mean, that Yeah, that was, like, six years ago, man.
- [cabinet closes.]
- What happened to you? Oh, she feels bad.
I'm going through a divorce, - so I'm kinda floating around.
- Steve: All right.
Do you have a nut allergy? - No.
- Okay, 'cause we're about to make PB and J's for the week.
We go through them really fast.
Are you a white or a wheat guy? - Steve.
- We're out of white bread.
[sighs.]
- Fuck.
- Wheat's fine.
- He's a wheat guy.
- Ah! Wheat it is! [faucet running.]
they come in.
In a note that we got several years ago, from a little boy only known by "Jason," and he wrote with a crayon, "Thank you for the PJ’s.
They're the first I've ever owned.
" All sizes of pajamas are needed, but especially larger sizes 10, 12, and 14, also adult sizes for teenagers.
For more information, head to pajamaprogram.
org.
[sighs.]
[door opens.]
- Hey.
- Sarah: Hey! - Pete: I made it.
- You made it.
- Oh my God, thank you so much for this.
- [Sarah chuckles.]
This is incredible.
Your house is amazing.
Isn't it fancy? Hey, guys.
- 'Sup? - Did you meet Steve and Davey boy? Yup.
They gave me the lay of the land.
Okay.
What's your plan? I don't really have a plan.
Do you wanna watch a movie or No.
You're welcome to stay here.
I just If you're not working towards a plan, I can't I can't I You can't stay here, Right.
because I just I've already ruined Steve.
He's ruined, and I can't have three of these.
[laughs.]
Oh no, I I have a plan.
I I'm on a track.
Good.
I'm getting up every night, doing a lot of stand-up.
I'm going at it hard.
Great.
But you make - zero dollars at stand-up.
- Yeah.
That's not how I make my money.
Oh.
Okay, how do you make your money? I was married, as you know, so up until very recently, my wife was supporting me.
And, you know, I got married when I was 22, so for the first 22, my mom supported me.
So, it was mom, and then wife, and now How are you gonna afford, like a place to live or a laptop or insurance or, like, be able to go to the dentist? You have to go to the dentist.
You have to floss every single day.
- Really? - Death creeps in through the gums.
I always thought that was a lie started by Big Floss.
[laughs.]
That's funny.
You're an idiot.
Yeah.
No, that's Those are the jokes I like.
I like clean, silly.
I just want everyone to have a fun time.
You'd be a great warm-up! - What do you mean? - You should be a warm-up comedian.
What Is that like a what? Like, you know how they shoot all different shows in New York City? Some of them have live audiences.
Oh, the guy that tells everyone to clap? Exactly.
He's the comedian that comes out, tells some jokes, have dance contests with the audience, just anything to kind of entertain them in between shots.
- I could do that.
I Yeah, all right.
- Yes.
They get paid? [Sarah speaks emphatically.]
They get paid.
It's so steady, and then you can still do stand-up at night.
- [stammers.]
Where do I sign? - I know.
I mean, I would do that in a heartbeat.
I know a couple of TV shows that shoot in this city.
Hey, excuse me.
I've lived here for three months, and you haven't once tried to get me a warm-up gig.
That's right, Steve.
And that's because the one time I set you up with a meeting with a producer, you tried to fuck her, and it was super smarmy.
I didn't try to fuck her.
She tried to fuck me - and succeeded.
- Dave: Ooh.
Steve: She did have some big ol' titties.
Oh yeah.
[mimics squirt, slurp.]
[mutters.]
This is a prison of my own design.
- [slurping.]
[gargles.]
- [laughs.]
I don't want to waste your time, so I'll be direct.
We already have a warm-up guy, but Sarah says you're funny, - so it can't hurt to have you on-call.
- Like an understudy.
Call it that if you want.
I'm excited for whatever.
I'm a really big fan of the show.
Okay, just a heads up.
Our warm-up guy is not gonna be happy you're here.
He's a little intense, so whatever you do, - don't tell him why you're here.
- What should I say? Schmitty, could you please let me know if there are disabled people in the audience? I can't keep going out there blind! If there's anything irregular about the audience, you need to tell me.
- I can't not know these things.
- Okay.
Would it kill you if there You could tell me there are two rows of people that don't speak fucking English! Or people in wheelchairs! I'm telling people to get up and dance, and they can't get up! - Copy that.
- Mort: Yeah, you say that, but you don't fucking copy anything.
I want to see you write it down.
Copy this down.
Tell me when there are people in the crowd that have a disability or are from fucking Spain! - What's this? - This is Pete.
He'll be doing warm-up if you ever have to miss a day.
Fill him in.
"Miss a day"? Does Rachael know about this? Schmitty, is this coming from Rachael? Is this coming from Ray? Fuck! - How about a hand for the birthday girl? - [cheers, applause.]
- What's your name, sweetheart? - Gwen.
- Gwen.
And you're 29 years old today? - [laughter.]
You look fantastic.
And what are you gonna do on this special day? Coming to see Rachael Ray! [cheers, applause.]
Yeah, that's great.
Oh! Okay, you're a beautiful crowd.
Now, you see we've got a big studio here, so I need you to fill it with your love and laughter and applause.
Ready? Three, two, one! [cheers, applause.]
Who wants Kit Kats, huh? Yeah! Who likes Kit Kats? There you go! All right, keep calm! Ladies and gentlemen, here she is! Rachael Ray! Candy girl, you are my world - Look so sweet - Hi, everybody! Oh, sit down.
Sit down, please.
Whoo! Fucking animals.
[mockingly.]
"It's my birthday.
I came to see Rachael Ray.
" They give me nothing to work with.
You're taking notes? Yeah, I'm just writing down some of the things you say.
Oh, Jesus, dude.
Don't You're staring at me, you're taking notes.
They offered you the job, right? I swear, nobody said anything about me taking your job.
I'm just gonna fill in Oh God.
if you're ever, you know, sick or can't make it.
I'm training my own replacement.
They're handing me a shovel to dig my own grave.
- [Rachael speaking indiscernibly.]
- I can't believe this.
I promise, nobody promised me your job.
I'm just here to observe.
Maybe I'll do warm-up for another show.
Oh yeah, for another show, and so you take my shit that I've been working on for fucking years, and you steal it and go to another show.
Nobody owns, "Who's from far away?" Nobody owns, "Any birthdays here?" These are free Free for everyone.
How did you get in here, really? How did you get in here? - I was referred by a friend.
- Who? - A comedian.
- Who? - Sarah Silverman referred me.
- Sarah Silverman? - I just met her.
- Holy God.
These people are medieval.
They're squeezing me out of a job.
No! Sarah Silverman.
Oh, did Seinfeld drive you over here in one of his little fancy cars, drinking coffee? I get the reference, but no.
I mean, if you're gonna fire me, at least let me ass-fuck an intern.
That's unbelievable.
This is bullshit.
- [cheers, applause.]
- Hey! Isn't she wonderful? Rachael Ray! Tony, hit me with that beat, baby.
- - Yeah.
Come on, put your hands together.
Oh, I'm gonna moonwalk.
Whoa! All right, we are back, guys.
Big finish to the show today.
My husband John - is joining me in the kitchen.
- Hello.
If you guys watch, then you know what time that means it is.
- Time for you to start drinking.
- That's right.
We're gonna make a cocktail with Johnny, our mixologist.
Sorry, sorry.
Sorry, Rachael.
We're just having audio issues.
If you can just go see Freddy, it'll be five minutes.
I'm sorry, you guys.
We're gonna take a fiver.
Honey, why don't you come with me? - Sounds like a good idea.
- We'll be right back.
- - Five, maybe seven minutes.
- They're gonna have to rewire Rachael.
- Fuck! Okay, could you just calm down and go do your job? Excuse me? Calm down? Schmitty, you've been riding my ass for two months, ever since Rory left.
- Then bring in this motherfucker? - [sighs.]
- Can you just - Watching me, taking notes.
Take the fucking Mic and do your job.
Got sum mo'hitz in tha oven mane That Memphis, Tennessee be gettin' it in! Baby, baby, bring it back, ooh, ooh - Baby, baby, bring it back - Hey, everybody.
- People: Hey.
- Hey.
We're having some, uh, a little difficulty, little technical problems.
It'll be up in a minute, but I got some coupons from Omaha steaks.
- [cheers, applause.]
- Huh? Yeah.
Yeah.
Y'all wanna win some meat.
- Don't you? Yeah.
- [laughter.]
Of course.
Of course you do.
That's all you care about.
Prizes.
"Let's get something.
Let's grab something.
Throw me a fucking Kit Kat bar.
" You're just like every other American.
All they want is something to eat and something to fuck, and they're happy.
Do you have any idea what's going on in the world? Any idea? "No! Just let me have my steak!" You just sit there and flap your flippers every time you see the fish bucket, you fucking morons.
Can we get security? Security now, please.
Look at you, sitting on your asses, standing in line at the Apple store.
You know they're gonna have the same product next week, but no, you gotta have it now! You gotta have it now! And by the way, leave your children alone, okay? Let 'em fucking fail.
They're not gonna peak at 12.
And stop taking pictures with your fucking iPhones! That's bullshit.
Don't touch me, guys! - Don't touch me! - Woman: Come on, get him outta here! And you know when I said you were a great audience? - I lied.
You're a shitty audience.
- Come with us, please.
And, Gwen, nobody gives a fuck about your birthday.
Man: Let's go.
Right now.
Mort: Yeah.
Ooh, what are you doing here? Learning about secrets of cinnamon? Go home! Read a goddamn book! Spend some time with your children! - Keep walking.
- Here you go, Schmitt.
- Fuck you, dick.
- [audience murmuring.]
- What the fuck did you say to him? - [audience murmuring.]
I didn't say anything to him.
What are you talking about? Fucking fix it.
Go! - "Fix it"? - Go out there.
Get them back.
Okay.
Um [clears throat.]
Hi.
Hello.
Um Hi, everyone.
My name is, uh, my name is Pete.
I'm the [clears throat.]
I'm the other warm-up.
We have two here at The Rachael Ray Show.
I feel like I feel like we can get over this.
Together, we can get over this.
Uh The The scary uncle has left.
- [laughter.]
- Right? God, what was that? I feel like Dad just yelled at us on the way to Disneyland.
We need to shake it off.
That was terrifying.
Did you see the vein in his neck? It was pulsing.
If we could hook up some jumper cables to that vein, - we could power Vancouver.
- [laughter.]
Maybe we could, uh Let's dance or something.
You guys wanna dance? Tony? Tony, can I get a beat? - - Okay, let me get some people.
Will you dance with me? Come on up! Give her a round of applause, everybody, come on! The bad man is gone.
We're gonna dance.
Will you dance with us? Yes, sir, please get in there.
Get in here.
Gwen, it's your birthday.
Give it up for Gwen! Give it up for Gwen! - Okay, what do you think of this one? - [clapping rhythmically.]
Pretty good.
Number two? - [cheering.]
- Pretty good.
What about number three? Oh sh Okay.
What about Gwen? Oh! Oh! Dance Gwen! Clap for Gwen! It's her birthday! Now, that was amazing! Sit down! Everybody stand up! Everybody stand up! - Say, "Hey!" - Audience: Hey! - Say, "Ho!" - Audience: Ho! - Say, "He was scary!" - Audience: He was scary! - I'm glad he's gone! - Glad he's gone! - Rachael Ray! - Rachael Ray! - Rachael Ray! - Rachael Ray! - Yeah! - Yeah! Okay, sit down.
Sit down! - Let's get some Kit Kats! - Audience: Yeah! Where are the Kit Kats? I'm in charge of the Kit Kats now! - [music playing on TV.]
- [geese honking.]
Steve: This shot actually makes me motion sick.
[door opens.]
- Sarah: Hey! - Hey.
- How'd it go? - [music stops.]
[key clatters.]
It was crazy.
I got there, they have a warm-up, and then he loses his mind.
He turned on everybody.
He flips out.
The-the Schmitty gave me the Mic - and was like, "Get out there.
" - You did warm-up today? - I went out and did warm-up.
- [Sarah laughs.]
They paid me for today, they said I can come back for, like, a trial week.
- You got it.
- But like, I mean, yeah, I got it.
- Huh.
- Is this You guys watching Planet Earth or is this Nova? I feel like You know what? You only get a few times to have that, like, "I got it" moment, and I feel like you kinda shit the bed with this one.
Like, go out, come back in, act like you didn't get it, and then the reveal, "I got it.
" - Make it bigger.
Really - Misdirect.
It's a missed opportunity.
- Ah.
Okay.
- Dave: Yeah.
- Steve: Sell it.
- Dave: Let's give the kid another shot.
[music playing on TV.]
[geese honking.]
I don't think Pete did well today.
I mean, he's never done it before.
- [door opens.]
- Dave: I feel bad for him.
- [sighs.]
- [key clatters.]
Hey, buddy.
You okay? I don't I I'm sorry.
[scoffs.]
You set that all up for me, and I know, Steve, you would've liked that opportunity and - And I got it.
- [shouting.]
Oh my God! Oh my God! - Ah! - Sarah: Woo! [Steve shouts.]
Whoopee! - You got it! - Jerk me off.
Jerk me off.
[laughs.]
Woo! [crying.]
I feel like fucking shit because I went in there and I got it! [shouting.]
- My parents were right.
- Dave: What? - I got it! - [shouting.]
I've been getting shit a long time, and I've pretty much had it, so today was the last day I was gonna take it.
That's why I'm so glad I got it! - [cheering.]
- It would be a bad look, talking about - Hey.
- Hey.
So, let's celebrate while we still can - Is this okay? - [laughs.]
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm just so happy.
I I don't remember the last time I felt so good and silly and fun and right.
And I did something that I'm good at, that, like, felt like me.
I really owe you big time.
- Oh, my joy.
You know what I think? - What's that? I think somebody earned a little tooty-toot-a-loot - on the weed pipe.
- I've never I don't You've never smoked pot? - No, I've never smoked yeah.
- Aww.
Well, I don't want to push.
I mean, I wouldn't Don't do it then, unless you want me to encourage you to.
Okay, yeah, talk me into it.
Just have a little.
What's the big deal? - [babbling.]
- Just have a puff.
Celebrate.
- You had a great day.
- What do I do? Press the button [inhales.]
suck it in, and then take it out, and suck in again, like a second time.
- That's enough.
- [deep cough, laugh.]
Oh my God, you just smoked pot.
You just smoked pot.
- I think Okay, thank you.
- Yes.
Put it down for a second.
I feel kind of weird that I I have something to tell you.
I've never seen your I've never seen your stand-up.
[laughs.]
That's okay.
I feel weird.
I I thought maybe you'd be mad.
- I just - No, I don't care.
Now I can use my jokes, like, in conversation with you, - and you'll think I'm a genius.
- [laughs.]
I love stand-up.
It's just I I don't know if you know Remember, I'm raised religious, and our community you know, you make fun of Jesus.
- Who? - You know, Jesus of Nazareth? - So, you're a God person.
- Yes, I'm a God person.
- Aw.
- - When does it work? - In seconds.
If you smoke too much, you can't go back, Okay.
so just make it a treat, just have a little puff.
I feel like I'm floating in honey.
Is that is that what the buzz is about? - That's the buzz.
- That's what all you guys are like, "Hey, put down the hacky sack.
I have something to tell you guys.
" After a while, you stop needing to talk about the high.
Distance can change fate - Just, like, exist.
- [deep laugh.]
- Is that a weird laugh? - [laughs.]
These are nice, man.
I shouldn't I shouldn't be sleeping on your couch.
I should sleep out here.
Wait a minute.
You can't sleep here tonight.
- What? - You've got a job, you're making hundreds of dollars a day, you've been sleeping on couches.
You really want to sleep tonight with your head on a pillow filled with Steve's farts? - No.
- Treat yourself.
You're gonna thank me for this.
[sighs.]
The sun came up with no conclusion Flowers sleeping in their beds The city's cemetery's humming I'm wide awake, it's morning I have my drugs, I have my woman They keep away my loneliness My parents, they have their religion But sleep in separate houses I read the body count out of the paper And now it's written all over my face No one ever plans to sleep out in the gutter Sometimes that's just the most comfortable place So I'm drinking, breathing, writing, singing Every day I'm on the clock