Crazyhead (2016) s01e06 Episode Script

1 - RAQUEL: If Suzanne tries to eat you - Arrgh! zap her arse.
No matter what you hear, you stay in bed.
But there is one way your little boy gets to keep his mum.
I'll do anything.
(TOY SQUEAKS) (SHE SUCKS) - Whoa! Whoa! Easy! - Who the hell are you? I'm Harry.
I didn't think I'd ever have this with someone.
(GUNSHOT) Ahhh! (SHE SCREAMS) It's OK! We need some help here, please! I was wrong about him.
He really cares about you.
This whole seeing the future thing It's messing with my head.
- What you going to do? - I have to go away.
Somewhere they can't find me.
I'm a hand grenade.
Some prick's about to pull the pin.
Guess we better pack our bikinis.
We're going to the seaside.
I saw what she can do.
It scares her.
She's the gateway to hell.
And you, my friend you're the key that unlocks her.
I'm going to catch you I'm going to get you Get you Oh, oh, oh I wanna taste the way that you bleed Oh, oh, oh-oh You're my kill of the night.
Gotta raise a little hell Happy Halloween.
Raise hell Somebody gotta Gotta raise a little hell.
My phone has not stopped.
When this party's over, I'm getting on a plane, and I'm hitting the beach.
So! Big day.
- How are we feeling? - Yeah.
OK.
Well, try to contain your excitement.
What's wrong with you, you miserable bastard? What happens to Raquel? You know, after I really don't see there's anything to be gained from keeping her around.
Well, I imagine she'll be more than a little annoyed.
Well, we're banking on it.
Well, her being hurt an angry is what's going to make those gates swing wide open, like a hooker's cooch.
You, eh You ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome? It's a psychological condition where captives develop feelings of affection towards their kidnappers.
Instead of trying to escape, they start whipping up pancakes and other labour-intensive comfort foods.
You like her, don't you? It's OK.
It's always a risk.
It just happened.
You need to keep a little bottle of her tears and drink from it on special occasions.
OK.
I've got a million and one things to do.
Are you ready? (HARRY CHOKES AND WHIMPERS) Shh, shh, shhh (PHONE RINGS) Yep? Yeah, I'm kind of in the middle of something right now.
Delivered the ice sculpture? Yeah, it was going to melt.
(HARRY STRUGGLES) Yeah, I'm going to have to call you back.
(HE SIGHS) Nurse? Need some help in here, please.
(PHONE RINGS) Hello? Yeah, that's me.
Is he OK? Why did Coldplay have to come? He's like a leech on my dick, just sucking the joy out of everything he touches.
They could have used him against Raquel.
If he loves his sister, maybe that's a sacrifice he should be willing to make.
- I'd do it for my sister.
- You hate your sister.
Uhh, she is poison.
Raquel, what is it? It's Harry.
He stopped breathing.
But they revived him.
He's asking for me.
You can't go back.
- It's too dangerous.
- He nearly died.
I know how you feel about him, but he's just one person.
He saved my life.
You want me to ignore him? If you go back and they find you, tens of thousands of people get possessed.
We're talking about the end of the world as we know it! Jesus!You're really freaking me out.
- You can't go.
- So, what? Now you're telling me what I should do? Before I clued you up, you were all stumbling around like a blind woman with her knickers around her ankles wondering why everyone's shouting, - "Beaver alert!" - (JAKE SNORTS) "Beaver alert", classic.
I'm sorry.
I can't let you go.
And just exactly how are you planning on stopping me, Goldilocks? If you make me, I'll tell Tyler.
I'll tell him everything.
Don't involve him in this.
Don't do that to him.
(DOOR OPENS) Rrrrraaah! That's awkward.
What's going on? You win, Goldilocks.
Whoa! - What's that all about? -Nothing.
Now, I'm not saying that was totally your fault, just try and be a bit more sensitive in the future, yeah? What did I do? I put a spell on you Because you're mine You better stop the thing that you do I said, oh watch out I ain't lying Oy, oy! That's for you.
- And for you.
- Cheers.
Right.
Happy Halloween.
ALL: Happy Halloween.
Mmm.
Let's Jenga, bitches.
(SLURRED) Jenga is way harder than I remember it.
Go up It's your go.
(SLURRED) Ha.
You lose, dickhead.
I think I'm I think I'm just going to have a little lie down as well.
(HE MOANS) Mmm.
You smell like my mum.
Get off! Dad It's just cheese.
I have to see him.
You guys have a nice sleep.
No! No, it's stupid.
You're Too dangerous.
You can't go! Don't do it.
Raquel! (SNORING) (MACHINE BEEPS) Hey.
You shouldn't have come.
They said you were asking for me.
Well, I was out of it, I didn't know what I was saying.
- Thanks.
- You know I didn't mean it like that.
It's good to see you.
How are you feeling now? You look kind of shitty.
(HE LAUGHS) I'm fine.
You had a visitor? Hmm? The grapes.
Oh, one of the nurses got them for me.
Cos you were all flirting with her? No.
I'm joking, paranoid.
You've got guilty mind.
(SHE CHUCKLES) Scooch up.
Jake? Jake? Jake! Who won Jenga? Raquel drugged us.
She's gone to see Harry.
We have to go after her.
- What about him? - He's fine.
Just leave him asleep.
- Ugh.
- Shh.
I missed you.
You smell of hospital.
(SHE SNIFFS) Sexy hospital.
(SHE LAUGHS) Are you sure you're OK to drive? I passed my driving test having consumed a near-fatal dose of meow meow.
If anything, I'm a better driver when I'm high.
(ENGINE STARTS) I should go.
I'll come back, as soon as it's safe.
Don't stop breathing, dumbass.
I'll try not to.
Raquel I'll see you soon.
Mmm.
Mm, now I'm going.
Now I'm going.
I'm going now.
I'm going now.
Bye.
(SHE LAUGHS) (DOOR CLOSES) (ELEVATOR DINGS) Raquel? What are you doing here? Uh visiting a friend.
He's sick.
What's wrong with him? Er, he was stung by a bee, he's allergic.
His face swelled up.
It's all red and puffy like a baboon's arse.
Poor guy.
Anyway, I'm glad I ran into you.
There was something I'd like to talk to you about.
Now? Oh, no, it's not really a good time.
Ah, it won't take long, Raquel.
Come on.
You doing anything for Halloween? Not really.
Just having a quiet one.
Is that right? Hm, very sensible.
Grab yourself a seat.
So, how are things with your friend Amy? Last time that we spoke you said you'd fallen out.
We made up.
That could change again.
How come? Just a hunch.
(HEARTBEAT) (HEARTBEAT QUICKENS) (HEARTBEAT STOPS) What? What is it? It's nothing.
(HORN BLARES) (HORN BLARES) Yeah, all right.
(HORN BLARES) Yes, thank you! (HORN BLARES) Sorry.
Halloween, it's always a busy day for any mental health professional.
People go nuts.
Seriously.
Are you going to a party? I'm going to the mother of all parties.
You said there was something you wanted to talk to me about.
That's right.
There is.
Do you believe in destiny, Raquel? Depends what you mean by destiny.
Destiny "Events that will necessarily happen to a particular person in the future.
" Thank you, Wikipedia.
Today is all about you.
Your destiny.
Your dad always knew you were special.
He was right.
It's you.
- You're the big, evil prick.
- I am a big, evil prick.
Ugh! Ugh! I'm going to rip your head off! They said it was impossible for a demon to father a child.
We're so twisted and evil, we even kill our own sperm.
I waited over 800 years for someone like you.
I don't want to blow smoke up your arse, but you're unique, one of a kind.
- You're a frigging unicorn.
- If I'm a unicorn, I know exactly where I'm ramming my horn! - I love this banter.
- You killed my dad! A necessary step in your little journey.
Everything that's happened, it's all been leading to this moment.
You killed him.
Save it for later.
We have a party to go to.
I want to be Gentle snow Falling on you Soft white skin I wanna be That tender breeze Drifting for you Mild and sweet.
Ah, are we here? Huh.
It's like my driving test all over again.
Raquel! Go! Go after them! (ENGINE SPUTTERS) Oh, no.
Come on! Come on, you beautiful, sexy bitch.
AMY: We're going to lose them! Piece of shit! (SHE SIGHS) (ENGINE SPUTTERS) We're going to need some Halloween costumes.
CALLUM: Raquel? Hey, Raquel? You should really see this.
There she is.
So What do you think? You've no idea how hard I've worked to bring this all together.
And here we are.
This is huge.
Don't touch me, you prick.
You see up there? That's where you're going to open the gates of hell.
And that's when the fun really starts.
By fun, I mean apocalyptic slaughter.
You think I'm going to fire up and open them for you? You think you can just switch me on? I'm not a toaster! Oh, you're definitely not a toaster.
Well, you've forgotten I'm your therapist.
I know you.
I know exactly which buttons to press.
So, when the time comes, I'm going to crack that big heart of yours wide open.
You won't be able to help yourself.
You'll open the gateway and the legions of hell will come pouring through it.
(HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS AND CLAPS) - Job done.
- The only thing I'm going to be cracking is your pointy little rat face.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, you say, "Tomato," I say, "There's no tomatoes," just pain, terror, and unimaginable suffering.
Who's hungry? Shall we order some Thai food? Yeah, you fancy it? JACK: Are we ready to do this? Have you seen this? Practically everyone we know is going to this Halloween Party.
- Is Pete going? - Which Pete? Fit sister Pete? Fat sister Pete? Tall Tony? Little Finn? Gay Simon? Weird Simon? Simon One Ball? - Big, bald Jimmy Chemo? - They're all going.
Poor bastard's got cancer.
He shouldn't be going to a party.
And if we don't stop it, they'll all be possessed.
Yeah, well.
It's a lot pressure.
I'm not good with pressure.
This costume is not designed for bowel-related emergencies.
CALLUM: I can't wait to see the look on her face when you take it off.
It is going to break her heart.
All hell is going to break loose, literally.
You should get changed.
Chop, chop.
Something is going on.
What is it? I think I'm going to die.
I saw it.
OK.
We get on a plane and go live on a desert island.
Let's just get on a plane.
What about everyone else? Tall Tony, Little Finn, Fat Sister Pete? They'll have to take their chances.
I am not losing you.
What about Raquel? She'd never walk away from me, no matter what.
She'd be straight in there, cracking skulls.
I don't want to die.
You don't have to die.
Walk away, Amy.
My mum spent her life running away.
Yeah.
From demons, from the future, from me.
Maybe you have to run toward it, balls-out.
Don't do this.
Don't go balls-out.
I have to.
I save Raquel, or I die trying.
Well, then I guess we're going balls-out together, aren't we? Balls-out and the wind in our hair.
(LOUD ROCK MUSIC) JACK: You can say what you want about the evil shits but they know how to throw a party.
It is going off! Whoo! Jimmy.
Hey, man.
Guess what? I got the all clear.
The tumour, it's gone.
I'm fine.
That's great, man.
I'm made up for you.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
Yeah.
About that.
- You've got to get out of here.
- What? They're going to open the gates of hell and everyone here is going to get possessed by demons.
Are you high? You crazy bastard.
Yeah, cool.
Catch you later, man.
Jimmy! Jimmy! Get out of here! Jimmy! Oh! You silly, bald prat.
They must be holding Raquel backstage.
Check down there.
Amy? Dr Weaver.
We met in the hospital the night you had your hallucination.
What're you doing here? Sorry.
Sometimes I lose track of who knows what.
I'm behind this whole legions of hell thing.
It was all me.
I can't believe you're the same confused, scared, stupid, little girl I met that night.
Hats off, really.
Where's Raquel? Well, she's in the Green Room, chilling, before her big moment.
You already know Mercy.
That F-15 fighter jet in my tit.
You ruined my favourite bra.
- The rescue party's here.
- Amy? I was going to snap her neck like a chip-stick, but I really wanted her to see this.
Here we all are, hmm.
All the players.
I don't know about you but I'm feeling it.
Man.
I need a cigarette.
I think we can manage that.
Aargh! Jeez, you little bitch! Uh, uh, uh.
I'm a unicorn.
On second thoughts, you're not a unicorn.
You're a dodo.
And we all know what happened to the dodos.
Did they have sex with your mum? I am Baleros of the ancient ones, the spawn of the Dark Lord himself.
I don't have a mum.
So the Dark Lord just shat you out? Mmm.
That figures.
As much as I'd like to hang around exchanging pithy insults, the gates of hell won't open themselves.
I hope he's going to be awake for the main event.
It's late for him.
Well, I suppose if he stays up after ten o'clock he has to wear kneepads and a helmet.
You just make sure he's there.
I hope you're not having second thoughts about him being possessed.
Find their dickhead friend, and check the first aid kit.
See if we have any of that pain relief spray.
Amy? (DOOR OPENS) (DOOR CLOSES) Amy.
Amy? Hey.
I'm sorry.
I should have listened to you.
Next time.
What? There might not be a next time.
You saw something? Was it bad? About as bad as it can get.
You, or me? Me.
You came anyway? I thought I was crazy and then I met you.
I guess we're both pretty weird.
I like that about us.
Me too.
(LOUD ROCK MUSIC) Let's get this shit storm started.
(MUSIC STOPS) Since the dawn of time, demons have walked among us.
Most of you can't see them.
They possess people who look just like you and you and you.
(CHEERING) Recognise the voice? - It's the guy off Big Brother.
-Yeah? They live in the darkness, waiting, waiting.
Their time is coming.
(CHEERING) They are loving it.
At the stroke of midnight, a gateway will open between this world and the underworld.
The legions of hell are coming for you! Show time.
This is your big moment.
Now.
Do it! No.
No! I'm sorry.
No! No! No! No! (ELECTRICAL CRACKLING) (SHE SCREAMS) (SHE SCREAMS) It's beautiful.
Balls-out! Aargh! I know how to stop it.
I know how to stop it! Go! AMY: Raquel.
Raquel.
You're going to end the world because of that prick? Screw him! He's a lying shit! Don't end the world for his limp dick.
You are a strong, independent woman.
You're like Beyonce! All the ladies.
Throw your hands up! Raquel! Throw your hands up! Throw them! He didn't care about you.
I do.
I love you! I love you.
No! - Aargh! - Aargh! [MUSIC: Laura by Bat For Lashes.]
You say that they've all left you behind Your heart broke when the party died Amy? Amy? Drape your arms around me and softly say Can we dance upon I thought you were dead.
We did it.
We saved the world.
With a little help from Beyonce and an inflatable zombie.
(SHE LAUGHS) There's something happening here But what it is ain't exactly clear There's a man with a gun over there Telling me I've got to beware I think it's time we stop, children, what's that sound? Everybody look What's going down? Hey.
Hey.
I was thinking about all the people waking up possessed down there.
- How many do you think there are? - It's hard to say.
More than ten, less than 50.
Could've been a lot worse.
Sitting there eating their Coco Pops, looking around at their families thinking, "Which one of you shall I kill first?" Eeny, meeny, miney mo.
There's the kicker.
- Right in your twot.
- No! Raquel! Raquel! (HE GRUNTS) Oh! You have no idea how good that feels! Hundreds of years, waiting in the darkness.
You know time, it really drags down there.
They say the first one's the sweetest.
They're right.
I was born to do this.
(PHONE RINGS) Oh! Bloody phones! Now, this is totally ruining it for me.
Where is it? Come on! Whoever this is calling you, they're next.
Have I got a surprise for them! (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) (SHE GASPS) We need to do another exorcism.
- Who? - Jake.
Prick! Are you thinking about Harry? Should've let you shoot the prick.
When I was being the gateway and you kissed me and you told me you loved me As a friend.
You can love your friends.
OK.
Friends.
That's cool.
Do I have to tell you that I love you? Cos I'm not exactly comfortable with that.
It's fine.
I know you do.
Sorry I can't help with the exorcism.
Imagine that idiot as a revenant.
The world isn't ready for that! I already lost one friend.
(HE GRUNTS) I want my friend back.
(TRICKLING) In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti Sicuit fluit cera a facie ignis, sic pereant peccatores a facie Dei (HE GRUNTS) (HE YELLS) Jake? Jake? Jake? Jake! Jake! Say something! Say something, you crude, vulgar cock mouth.
You pissed on me! Oh, my God! - You're totally in love with me.
- Shut up! Oh, it worked.
He's fine.
Where is he? Just drying his T-shirt.
He's very excited that I pissed on him.
You OK? Me? I'm fine.
- I guess it's over.
- Yeah, it is over.
Except all those other people who got possessed.
Yeah, apart from that, obviously.
Got any plans for the next few weeks? AMY: You know Tyler's still asking about what happened the night you spiked him? - Well, what you telling him? - Playing it innocent.
You don't sound innocent! I can hear you through the walls.
OK, moving on! What number is it? - 36.
Oh, we've got another one straight after this.
Some girl on Facebook says that her boyfriend's semen's all cold.
If a girl's possessed, can she get a frosty snatch? Frosty snatch, are you being for real? - Could be a thing.
- OK.
Well, next time we meet one, you can stick a thermometer in her poon.
Whoo! You got that nailed! It's all in the wrist.
I used to play a lot of badminton.
(SHE SCOFFS) Badminton?! - You ready? - Ready as a beaver with a chainsaw.
What does that even mean? [MUSIC: Kill Of The Night by Gin Wigmore.]
RAQUEL: OK, pricks.
Who wants a pole up their arse? I'm gonna catch ya I'm gonna get ya, get ya Oh, ah-oh I wanna taste the way that you bleed Oh, oh-oh You're my kill of the night.