Crossing Swords (2020) s01e06 Episode Script

1
Dance music playing ♪
(LAUGHING)
I hate high school parties.
Patrick, big news.
Hailey's parents are out of town
and they've got a hot tub.
Don't tell Mackenzie, though.
She just found out Hailey and Ryan
hooked up and she is a total mess.
(SLURRING WORDS)
I love drinking next to fire.
See, Ryan? I can be spontaneous.
(SCREAMING)
Nobody look at Mackenzie,
she just does it for attention.
Princess Blossom, we have to go.
You're late for a diplomatic function.
I'm a grown‐ass woman,
I do what I want.
And part of being grown‐ass
is doing things you don't want to do.
Hey, Blossom.
Race you to Hailey's?
Aw, sorry, Logan.
I have to, like, go be a grownup.
Psych! Eat shit, Patrick!
- Hard rock playing ♪
- (HORSE WHINNIES)
Wahoo! Wow!
All right! Yeah, babe!
Hey! Show us your boobies.
Okay, fine.
Oh no, I'm nearsighted!
Bring them over here.
- (PRINCESS SNICKERS)
- Princess!
Are you crazy?
(LAUGHING) I'm crazy for attention.
(STRAINING)
Make way for the bees.
(CHEERING)
First one to swerve is a little bitch.
(LAUGHING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(SHRIEKS) (BEES BUZZING)
♪
(SHEEP BLEATING)
(SHRIEKING)
(TIRES SQUEAL)
(SCREAMS) (HORSE WHINNIES)
Ow! God dammit!
Unexpected windmill?!
(SHRIEKS)
(THUD)
(FLAMES ROARING)
Oh, shit.
Are we still going to Hailey's?
Or what?
♪
You had one job last night:
Get my daughter to that boring function
so I didn't have to go.
Patrick, I hereby sentence you
to being my hype man
and the guy I blame my farts on.
(SNIFFS) Oh! Ooh! Was that you?
No, that was you!
And as for you‐‐.
Every time you go to a bonfire,
you get drunk
and crash a chariot into a windmill.
You're acting crazy lately.
Hype man?
Uh, yeah.
Crazy, y'all!
Blossom, what were you thinking?
Oh! I don't know, okay?
I feel insane.
Like, sometimes I can't stop crying.
And most of the time,
I feel like I could kill someone.
I see. I think I understand.
She's a werewolf!
She's a werewolf, y'all!
Howlin' at the moon.
Owwooooo! (BAGPIPES PLAYING)
My daughter's a werewolf, Patrick.
Read the room.
I'm not a werewolf! (SHRIEKING)
She's turning.
Get me a silver stake and a tarp.
Everything hurts.
My stomach. My back. My boobs!
My feelings! (SOBBING)
(GASPS) Nobody look at me!
I'm a monster!
(CROWD GASPING)
Blood!
She's killed, and she'll kill again.
(ANXIOUS MURMURING)
Everyone shut the fuck up!
She's not a werewolf.
She's a woman.
My baby just got her first period.
Right here, in front of everybody.
(PARTY HORNS BLOWING)
This is the most humiliating day
of my entire
I just farted, everybody!
Oh good god, Merriman.
(MURMURING)
Holden?
What the
(SCREAMING)
(COUGHS)
Patrick, during my months
in the burn ward,
I had a long time to think about why you
set me on fire with a big Roman candle.
You cheated, but I cheated first.
So I consider us square.
No grudges.
That's very big of you. Thanks.
So, are you just visiting?
I'm staying, because you see
I'm perfectly fine!
(CHEERING)
Everyone, meet
our newest squire, Holden.
I see he did the bandage reveal
even though I asked him not to.
Anyway, with Barry out of commission
we had a spot to fill.
And Holden was the runner‐up
in the tournament.
(SNIFFS) What is that smell?
Dude, did you shit your pants?
No. It's the king's farts.
Well maybe you should stop
kissing his ass so hard.
(LAUGHING)
Eerie music playing
(UNCERTAINLY) Hello?
H‐Hello?
Hey, babe. Keefer, baby.
Guess what?
I got my first period.
I love how you're not afraid to say
stuff out loud that no one wants to hear.
I love that about me, too.
And the best part is,
I get a super sweet period party.
Kiss me.
(SLOBBERY KISSES)
Is this working for you?
Not really.
I mean, I can see inside your brain,
and that's cool,
but mostly it just reminds me
I'll never feel a real kiss again.
Aw, Keef!
What else do you miss about being real?
Um, I guess playing with my band.
The taste of my grandma's peach cobbler.
Not feeling untethered in a directionless
void between heaven and hell.
Taking a big‐ass whiz
ranks unexpectedly high.
Baby, it's so tragic.
We're like a young adult novel.
It's It's the beautiful princess
in love with the ghost
of a super‐hot theremin player
who died onstage in a cursed iron maiden.
You know I'd freak everybody out
if I went to your period party.
AUNT DONNA:
Did someone say "period party"?
Aunt Donna!
Piss off, you crazy egg lady.
I haven't had visitors in years.
We're not visiting you.
This is our secret makeout spot now.
Ugh! My grandpa locked her weird ass
up here before I was even born.
Yes. Now it's just me and Daniel.
(GROANS) She macraméd herself
a boyfriend.
He's not my boyfriend,
we're common law married now.
Aunt Donna, I swear to fucking god.
Beware the period party, girl.
At the end of the night,
the maiden's valuable virginity
gets locked up tight in a chastity belt.
No way I'd put on a chastity belt.
Princesses who refuse
get locked up in towers.
If you don't believe me, just ask me!
(THUNDER CRASHES) (CACKLING)
(PATRICK GRUMBLING)
Royal farts are
so much worse than regular farts.
I can't scrub them off.
(GASPS) Holden!
Hello, Patrick. Shower apple?
Whoa!
Still sporting that meat collar, huh?
A what?
Your foreskin, my good man.
My own is sadly departed.
The burn doctors grafted it
onto a missing part of my face.
My eyelid.
Turns out foreskins
are incredibly versatile.
Again, I'm really sorry
about setting you on fire.
But why are we talking about my foreskin?
What the
Patrick, we've known
about circumcision check for weeks.
Guess you've been too busy with the king
to pay attention to squire business.
PATRICK:
But why is it mandatory?
Foreskins are a hygiene liability
on the battlefield.
A case of trench dick can put you
out of action for weeks.
Oh, crap, this bandage
isn't supposed to get wet.
Shower banana?
Mom! Am I really getting
a chastity belt?
Ah, there is the woman of the hour.
Who the fuck are you?
I am Andrew Thomas Paulson,
and I give you my magnum opus.
Behold. The Patriarch‐kini.
Oh! It's gorgeous. Don't you think?
So it's true?
You promised me a perfect party,
not a pussy prison.
It's pinching my labia.
Arrgh, I can't believe Aunt Donna
was right.
Aunt Donna?
I told you to stay out of the tower.
She's deranged.
Well maybe she's deranged
because grandpa threw her in a tower
because she wanted control
over her own disgusting body!
(GUARD GROANS)
I hide my initials
in all of my masterpieces.
Guess where I hid them on this one?
Uhh
That's right, the anus.
Keefer! (SOBBING)
They're locking up my vagina,
and you're an intangible specter
and now we can never
lose our virginities to each other.
(SOBBING) Oh right.
There might still be a way you can
smash your ugly bits together.
What are you talking about,
you old egg witch?
I've heard tell of forbidden magic
that makes spirits flesh and blood again,
but only for a single hour.
Keef, if you got your body back,
then you could be my first
and I could be your first.
Yeah, about that: When you're on tour,
casual sex is basically on tap 24/7.
Shh! Shut your beautiful ghost face.
Aunt Donna, let's do it.
I could help if I had the spell book.
Unfortunately
it's in the castle library,
in the banned books section.
I need two books.
Forbidden Magic Spells
and Sinful Thirty Minute Meals For One‐‐.
God dammit, Aunt Donna.
I can give you the sad meal book,
but you must be 18
to check out the other one.
But I'm the Princess.
Rules are rules.
Fine. I lied.
My name is Tiffani, I'm 29, and I work
at the mall selling hair extensions.
I have four kids and it's wine o'clock.
Gimme the fucking book!
All right, Tiffani.
I just need your library card.
I just need your library card.
Get out of my way!
(SHRIEKS)
- (COUGHS)
- Princess. Are you all right?
No, I'm not all right, Patrick!
My whole day's ruined because
I don't have a frickin' library card.
Well, I have a library card.
Nerd! (CHUCKLES)
No, but seriously,
if you could help me out, that'd be great.
Why'd you make me carry these?
I dunno, they looked heavy.
They're really not.
Listen, my family tree is just cousins
fucking cousins on every branch.
My fragile little bird bones
can snap in a stiff wind, okay?
And why are we in the tower?
- KEEFER: Hey, man.
- Jesus fucking Christ!
Oh, Keefer's a ghost now.
Cursed iron maiden.
It happens.
Oh man, I never had a chance
to apologize for that.
Since you were dead.
(LAUGHS) It's cool.
Hurry up! I gotta turn Keefer real again
so he can drill me hardcore
before midnight.
It's basically Cinderella,
except way hotter.
Ah, Princess,
you're up in a prison tower
with a spell book threatening
to have sex with a ghost.
I might need to tell your parents
about this.
Don't you dare.
You're the one who shoved Keefer
into that haunted death box.
You owe me. You owe Keef.
You‐you owe love itself!
But, Princess
I know I don't treat you
the greatest, Patrick.
And I'm sorry, I am.
But this is the most important thing
in the world to me.
Aw! All right. I'll help.
Yes! Oh, god, I'm good.
Did you get the books?
Give them to me. Give them!
- Hi, I'm Patrick.
- Hope you like 30‐minute paella, Patrick.
(GROANS) No, Aunt Donna!
We're making Keefer real.
Ah, yes, here we are.
"To raise the unliving
for one hour's time,
"collect these items
that don't even rhyme:
"One baby unicorn tooth,
one shedded snakeskin,
and one pickled griffin knuckle!"
Well, that sounds easy enough.
But, um, hey, while we've
got the spell book open,
is there anything in there about, uh,
magic circumcisions?
Ha! Freak!
Hmm, the more I think about it,
this spell makes the unliving live,
but can also reverse the process,
making living things shrivel up and die.
Like, say, your cock‐top.
That's it. That's what I need.
Princess, we can kill
two birds with one stone.
Great, great, great,
but all this blah‐blah
isn't getting my clam jammed,
so let's fuckin' move it!
Remind me what
this shopping trip is for again.
So you, a legal adult,
can help a teenage girl have sex?
No, Broth, it's not about that.
I killed her boyfriend. I feel terrible.
I just want to make it up to her
any way I can.
I've got the unicorn tooth,
I've got the griffin knuckle.
I just need a snakeskin.
They keep those behind the counter.
Ugghhh, this is always the worst.
Hi, I need, uh
(TITTERS) a, uh, snakeskin.
A what? Uh
a snake skin.
(MERCHANDISE CLATTERING)
- I don't see any.
- What? Can you check in the back?
Hold on. Shelly!
SHELLY: What?
This young boy needs a snakeskin!
SHELLY:
Skim milk is in aisle three!
No, skin!
From a snake!
Oh my god.
Oh, Keef.
Soon I'm gonna be in your arms again
for a whole hour, baby.
Can I carve out 10 minutes
of that hour for the dessert table?
Ughhh!
I guess.
Spirits, hear our desperate call,
soon our loved one shall stand tall,
tooth of beast and snakeskin grey,
bring to life my
macramé!
- Macramé?!
- (AUNT DONNA CACKLING)
(DOLL ROARING)
He lives! He lives!
- (CACKLING)
- God dammit, Aunt Donna!
You double‐crossing bitch!
♪
A little on the nose, don't you think?
(LIQUID POURING)
Hmm, you know what?
I don't hate it.
(SOBBING)
It's over!
I can't believe that Aunt Donna
did that to me after I was so nice to her.
What the hell?
I'm sorry about your dick thing,
which I do not understand
or want to know more details about.
Just don't give up hope.
I'll go get more ingredients.
We can try again.
That's a good idea.
Otherwise it's like
you killed Keefer twice.
Oh, let me guess,
you need another snakeskin?
Yes!
Hang on.
Shelly! SHELLY: What?
Kid out here needs
another snakeskin!
(MERCHANDISE CLATTERING)
SHELLY: We're all out!
Yeah, we're all out.
Yeah, I heard.
Regal music playing ♪
Okay. We've got one Bloody Mary,
one Crimson Tide, and one Period Colada.
GUESTS: Mmm! Delectable.
This is pretty extravagant
for a late bleeder.
I heard she faked it.
(PANTING) Give me the stuff.
My belt goes on in 10 minutes.
Princess. I failed.
I'm really sorry.
(PRINCESS SOBS)
(BLOWS FANFARE)
(GUESTS GASPING)
(SOBBING) The hardest thing
about a masterpiece
is knowing when to walk away.
- (SOBBING)
- Oh, come on, Princess, it's
it's not the end of the world.
Oh, I know.
But look at him up there, Patrick.
He's doesn't just love me.
He's the only person here
who actually likes me.
He's my only friend.
That's not true.
You have Ivy, Fern, Human Shield.
They're staff.
They don't like me.
Last summer they rented a beach house
together and I wasn't invited.
They didn't think I'd find out, but I did.
I'm your friend.
Only because my parents make you.
(SOBBING)
It's only him.
And we can't even have one dance.
'Cause after tonight I get locked up until
I lose my virginity to some fourth cousin
with a tooth growing out
of his fuckin' forehead.
(SOBBING)
Okay. It's not over yet.
All you need is the dead skin
off something long and cylindrical.
Maybe they're serving grilled snake
at the buffet.
Or sausages. Come on, Patrick!
Who wants cham‐PAN‐ya?
Ow!
(SOBBING)
No. It can't work. Can it?
Turns out foreskins
are incredibly versatile (ECHOING)
It's the skin of a snake, kinda.
Let's pop this top.
- Hey.
- You might wanna step back.
This could get messy.
Dramatic music playing ♪
(CHOIR VOCALIZING)
(GROANS IN SLOW MOTION)
(GASPS) What did you do?
Blossom use this snakeskin.
You did that for me?
I was wrong.
I have more than one friend here‐‐.
Oh, you're unconscious.
- PRINCESS: Fucking ew.
- Do you remember the spell?
Spirits, hear our desperate call,
soon our loved one shall stand tall,
tooth of beast, snakeskin grey,
sorta, bring to life my
ghostly bae?
(ENERGY PULSING)
Ow! Ow‐ow‐ow!
This hurts like a bitch!
This hurts like a fucking bitch!
(KEEFER SCREAMING)
And there.
Those bandages will keep the leeches
from crawling away.
(PATRICK GROANING)
Payback's a bitch, Pattycake.
I made the whole thing up.
There was never a circumcision check.
Much like shrimp, revenge is a dish
best served room temperature.
(PATRICK SIGHS)
Wow. You're even more beautiful
than I remember.
There's no woman in the world
I'd rather be real with.
(SIGHING, MOANING)
This is so much hotter
when I can't see the inside of your skull.
Oh, Keef. Intercourse me!
(BOTH MOANING, GROANING)
GUESTS:
Lock her up! Lock her up!
Lock her up! Lock her up!
Lock her up! Lock her up!
Lock her up
Forget about them, babe.
GUEST: Lock that bitch up!
This isn't how I wanted it to happen.
Not on a bird shit‐covered balcony,
over a thousand assholes.
I wanted it to happen on a beach
in the crashing surf,
with, like, all of my ladies‐in‐waiting
watching, looking jealous as hell.
One day, we'll find a way
to make that happen.
But maybe not for a while,
because growing all of my bones
and skin back
was way worse than dying the first time.
I'm sorry I put you
through all this, Keef.
Are you kidding?
Not only do I get an hour of life,
I get to spend it with you.
BOTH: Mwah!
So let's go party, Princess.
I hereby declare my daughter's sexuality
under control!
(CROWD CHEERING, LAUGHING)
(PANTING)
Look at me, bitches!
(CHUCKLES)
Oooh, that's nice.
Ahh
(PRINCESS MOANING)
I'm very proud of you.
Today you were everything
a princess should be:
Beautiful and 100% obedient.
(GROANS) How am I supposed
to sleep in this fucking thing?
Here's the spare key.
The what?
My mother gave me one,
and her mother before her.
The men think they're in control,
but we have all the power.
Wow. Thanks, Mom.
Also, it's impossible to shit
with that thing on.
And today's lunch meat will be
loaf.
And one more thing.
Thanks to everyone's
hilarious prank on Patrick
(LAUGHING)
And Patrick's unfathomable gullibility,
it's come to my attention
that most of you are uncircumcised.
Not me. You've all seen it.
You're all a case of trench dick
waitin' to happen.
Therefore, next week:
Mandatory circumcisions!
SQUIRE: My penis!
I understand the prank
was Holden's idea.
You may thank him.
(SQUIRES SNARLING) Aw, shit.
(CHUCKLES)
(GROANS)
I'm gonna go hose off.
Finish this for me, baby.
♪
CHILD: That was amazing!
(GAME BUZZER SOUNDS,
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)