Cybill (1995) s01e06 Episode Script

(Hums scales)? Brrr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rrrrr (Higher)? Brrr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rrrrr - (Higher still)? Brrr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rrrrr? - Ready to go, Cybill? - All set.
- Any questions? No, but I'm pleased to be working with a woman.
It's a different kind of energy, more nurturing.
Then you don't have any questions.
Let's just do it.
Sisters! Sisters.
OK.
Here we go.
Toasted Chickies jingle, take one.
(? Rock-and-roll intro) ? When you're hungry for a snack ? Don't know what you're pickin' ? Try some toasted oats With just a hint of chicken ? Toasted Chickies Eat 'em by the buck, buck, bucket? - How was that? - You're still not giving me chicken.
Try this.
- (More chicken-like)? Buck, buck, bucket? - ? Buck, buck, bucket? You're not a person.
You're a chicken.
? Buck, buck, bucket? ? Buck, buck, bucket? ? Buck, buck, bucket!? ? Buck, buck, bucket? For God's sake! Don't you know what a frickin' chicken sounds like? - Yes, I do, but - Well, then, do it! Maybe I could if you'd stop yelling at me.
You're not gonna start crying? No.
I'm fine.
OK, let's try it again.
(Weepily)? When you're hungry for a snack Don't know what you're pickin' ? Try some toasted oats With just a hint of chicken? - I hate working with women.
- ? Toasted Chickies ? Eat 'em by the buck, buck, bucket? ? Loving one who loves you ? And then taking that vow ? Nice work if you can get it ? And if you get it ? Won't you tell me how?? Guess what Dr Dick bought himself.
A boat.
Son of a bitch bought a boat.
So what? My ex bought a Porsche.
- Guess what he named it.
- Dr Dick's boat? Free At Last.
The bastard named it Free At Last.
Actually, that's kinda clever.
OK, I know that look.
You're gonna hurt him, aren't you? Vengeance, thy name is MasterCard.
- Ooh, pretty.
His? - Ours.
Zippy forget to cancel it.
- What are you gonna buy yourself? - Nothing.
The fun's not spending his money, it's wasting it.
Observe.
Excuse me.
Do you see Mr Young Buns over there? Send him a dozen silk boxers on me.
The challenge is to max out the card and have nothing to show for it.
I love you, you sick, dark work of art.
Oh, pish.
I'm just a simple woman with a dream.
- Cybill.
- What? It's your ex-husband.
Ooh.
That's too good.
Let's play.
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! - Fabulous colour.
- Perfect for the hair on your back.
Oh, terrific.
Hello, ladies.
It's not for me.
- That's not what Cybill told me.
- That was confidential.
Keep the black lace panties, but I would like the black Wonderbra back.
Cute.
If this concludes the emasculation portion, see you later.
You're trying on lingerie.
You want respect? It's a Valentine's present.
Excuse me.
Is this machine-washable? It's Valentine's Day? I didn't even know.
I had no idea it was February.
Alone on Valentine's Day.
What could be more depressing? Watching your ex-husband buy lingerie for his new girlfriend.
- You asked.
- Thank you very much.
But we're not alone.
We're on our own.
- Self-sufficient.
- Independent.
- Liberated.
- Full of crap.
Completely.
I hate to ask, but I left my wallet at home, and they already rang it up.
Ugh! I buy lingerie for your girlfriend? No, it's just that Well, yeah.
Why don't you just shoot me in the face? - I'll owe you big time.
- How big? - Anything, anytime, anywhere.
- Put it in writing.
Anything, anytime, anywhere.
Sign it! It's no good unless you sign it.
Zoey, where's Mom's pasta maker? He moved back to Italy.
I gotta get outta here before she gets home.
I can't listen to another earth goddess "pregnancy is beautiful" speech.
Did you get the "don't be embarrassed about masturbation" chat? Yeah.
The long walk on the beach.
- I got it at the dry-cleaner's.
- You poor thing.
She keeps trying to be my best friend.
Well, I had to live through it.
Now it's your turn.
- (Cybill) Hello! - I'm outta here.
- Take me with you.
- Dream on.
Guess who's here! Your old pal Rachel! - (Cybill) Rachel? - What was the point of that? - My babies are here.
Both my babies! - Hi, Mom.
Hugs.
I'm so happy to see you.
- I'm happy to see you, too.
I gotta go.
- Wait.
I've got presents.
First Zoey.
Happy Valentine's Day.
- Oh, boy.
A hunchback cookie.
- No, it's Cupid.
That's a wing.
- And he's fructose-sweetened.
- Thanks, Mom.
I got a cookie.
And for my other Valentine, slippers.
- Slippers? - Elastic for when your feet swell.
Believe me, they're gonna.
You're gonna turn into a big old balloon girl.
How thoughtful.
I'd better go.
I'm making a special dinner for Kevin.
There's a new mothers class at the women's centre on Friday.
I thought we could go.
I'm not gonna squat in a gymnasium and look at my cervix.
- Once was enough.
- It's not like that.
It's nutrition and exercise, breast-feeding.
I'd really rather spend Friday night with Kevin.
I get it.
You've hit the horny part of your pregnancy, haven't you? Mom, I know you're just trying to be helpful, but it may be best if you focus more on your life and less on mine.
- Right.
I'm sorry.
- I don't mean to hurt your feelings - No, no.
I understand.
- You sure? Go.
Have a nice dinner.
Say hi to Kevin.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Bye, honey.
I'll just stay here and focus on my life.
Lots to focus on.
Buck, buck, buckets of stuff.
(Sighs) So, Duke, what's new with you? - Who would I rather sleep with? - Paul Newman or Robert Redford? That's easy.
Paul Newman.
He brings his own popcorn.
- Give me something tough.
- OK.
Ross Perot or a flying devil monkey from the Wizard of Oz.
Mm, that's tough.
Is the monkey rich? - (Maryann laughs) - Evening, girls.
Oh, my.
He cleans up real good, doesn't he? Got a date.
Don't forget to feed the Dukester.
Remember 20 years ago when our marriage fell apart, you moved out and we went on with our lives? Let's do that again.
I am looking.
I'll be out of here before you know it.
- Jeff, you're a pig.
- What? I just felt like saying that.
Come here and give me a kiss.
- Is she kidding? - Are you? I don't know.
Well, good night.
(Growls) (Barks) (Pants) - I love it when you play with his head.
- It's almost too easy.
- This isn't so bad for Valentine's Day.
- Here's to Valentine's Day.
To Valentine's Day.
- This sucks.
- Like a Hoover.
- (Doorbell rings) - Probably Jeff wanting gas money.
Could be some swarthy French stud who wants to use your bathroom.
(French accent) May I please use your facilities? How did you do that? - Who are you? - I am Guy.
My limo driver.
Upstairs, first door to the left.
- Merci.
- Oui, Guy.
You rented a limousine to come to my house? I've got a credit card to max out, remember? He's just sitting in the driveway.
Couldn't you be more creative? You wanna go and shoot guns at Dr Dick's boat? - That doesn't require money.
- Oh, really? Any idea what it costs to buy an automatic weapon at this time of night? I was thinking this weekend we could go horse-back riding, hot-air ballooning.
- Or sky-diving.
- You promised never to bring that up.
"I'm turning 40.
Let's jump out of a plane.
It'll be so symbolic.
" - It would have been.
- If you'd jumped.
Hey, you know what? Shut up.
I know.
Let's have Guy whisk us off to the airport.
- We'll fly to Vegas.
- Tonight? We can blow all of Dr Dick's money and catch a show.
I always wanted to see those guys who make the tigers disappear.
- Sauerkraut and Roy? - I'd love to.
But I can't go to Vegas and leave Zoey.
- Why not? - (Zoey and Guy converse in French) Guy and I are going to watch videos in the limo.
That's why not.
Zoey.
- You don't even know this guy.
- I am Guy.
I get that he's Guy.
Goodbye, Guy.
- Au revoir, Zoey.
- A bientot.
Just because you don't have a life doesn't mean I can't.
Yes, it does.
I can't believe it.
She got a D in French.
I'm telling you, Vegas.
I try to be a good mother, their friend.
For what? All expenses paid.
Only my ex-husbands want me, to lend them money and feed their dog.
Dog, yes.
We could board Zoey in a kennel.
No.
I have a better idea.
- Anything, anytime, anywhere.
- You want me to stay with Zoey now? - Now.
- (Woman) Ira, who's that? - Not now.
- It's an emergency.
- (Maryann) Let's roll! - I gotta take Maryann to Betty Ford.
- In a limo? - I said we were going to the opera.
- Whaaa! Party! - Come on, we'll drop you off.
Ira, the whipped cream is starting to slide off.
Oh, please, Cybill.
Zoey can take care of herself.
Last time I left her alone she put the house on the market.
She only took one deposit.
Shall I tell Miss Dairy Queen who paid for her undies? Let me just go grab my pants.
(? Maryann sings La Marseillaise) Come on, Guy! Sing it with me! Maryann, put down that Frenchman! (? Maryann and Guy sing La Marseillaise) (? Marvin Gaye and Kim Weston: It Takes Two) (Kim)? One can have a dream, baby (Marvin) ? Two can make that dream so real (Kim)? One can talk about being in love (Marvin)? Two can see how it really feels (Kim)? One can wish upon a star (Marvin)? Two can make that wish come true, yeah (Kim)? One can stand alone in the dark (Marvin)? Two can make the light shine through (Both)? It takes two, baby ? It takes two, baby ? Me and you ? Just takes two ? It takes two, baby ? It takes two, baby ? To make a dream come true ? Just takes two (Kim)? One can have a broken heart ? Livin' in misery (Marvin)? Two can really ease the pain ? Like a perfect remedy (Kim)? One can be alone in a car ? On a night like these all alone (Marvin)? Two can make just any place ? Seem just like bein' home (Both)? It takes two, baby ? It takes two, baby ? Me and you ? Just takes two ? It takes two, baby ? It takes two, baby? - Hit me.
- Ma'am, you have 20.
I said hit me.
- 21.
- Damn.
This is the greatest Valentine's Day I've ever had.
You know the best part? A month from now Dr Dick gets the credit-card bill.
Free at last, my ass.
What I was thinking was, finally we're doing something for ourselves.
No children, no men.
Just us.
Drinking, gambling.
Smoking $10 stogies.
Oh, yeah! - What do you wanna do next? - Only two things left.
Buy a hooker or get married.
Will you marry me? I'm sorry.
I can only marry a virgin.
Well, then, our course is clear.
Excuse me, sir.
Where do you keep your hookers? ? It takes two, baby ? It takes two, baby? - (Knocking) - Who's that at this hour? The police coming to break up our wild party.
- (Jeff) Somebody let me in! - Jeff? Yeah.
Thank you.
- What happened? - Poison oak.
- How'd you get it on your hands? - Tell you later.
It's a long story.
I'm not interested in any story that ends with you coming back.
- What happened? - I was out on a date.
- We went for a walk in the woods.
- At night? - Yeah, it's romantic.
- If you're a racoon.
She wanted to look at the stars, so one thing led to another.
On the ground? Isn't that why you people have pick-up trucks? I don't wanna talk about this.
What are you doing here? I'm with Zoey while Cybill takes the dragon lady to rehab.
- No date on Valentine's Day, huh? - I had a great date.
Didn't have to drag her to the forest, either.
- I'm starving.
- Woodsman like you, course you are.
- Give me a hand.
- What do you want? Cereal.
No, the fruity stuff with the marshmallows.
I'm fixing a snack for my ex-wife's ex-husband on Valentine's Day.
Boy, oh boy.
It's like a dream come true.
It's not how I envisioned my evening, either.
Lots of milk.
I like it when the marshmallows float.
Thank you.
Ira, you mind? You gotta be kidding.
I want you to know, I really, really hate this.
You're not gonna like what's coming next.
What? I gotta pee.
No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
- Uh-uh.
(? Raunchy dance music) (Women whooping) - This really isn't doing a lot for me.
- Me neither.
I can't help thinking he's somebody's son.
I can't stop worrying he's gonna catch a cold.
Finally.
Here, dear.
Buy yourself some pants.
Call your mother.
I'm sorry, but your credit card is over the limit.
Yes! Here, Conan.
Keep the change.
Yoo! Looks like our work in this town is done.
- Not quite.
- What do you mean? Before I go back to being unappreciated mother, ex-wife and singing chicken, I'd like to do something meaningful, transforming, that makes a lasting impact on my life.
You wanna go to the Liberace Museum? Yes, that's exactly what I wanna do.
You lied to me! I have to do this.
I've got to find out what I'm made of.
I don't have to find out what you're made of.
Stay up all night drinking and then jump out of a plane? Come on, it's not like we're driving.
If we can do this, we can do anything.
What better Valentine's present could we give ourselves? How about a nice apricot facial? Maryann, are we gutsy women leaping into the second half of our lives, or middle-aged has-beens sliding into a world of early-bird dinners and Monday-night bingo? - Maryann? - I'm thinking.
We're over the jump site.
As soon as you clear the door, hit your hard arch and protect your reserve shoot, in case you need it.
Good luck, ladies.
- Well, are you with me? - You're right, Cybill.
We need to do this.
From this moment on, our life starts anew! Great! Come on, on three! One! Two! Three! Oh! Good, it opened.
So, Flight Boy, where are you from? I'm still tingling.
What a rush, staring into the face of death.
- I know I'll never be the same.
- Shut up, you wimp.
I'm not a wimp.
I'm a wuss.
Move over.
(She sighs) Hi, Mom.
Rachel spent the night.
Marital problems.
Bet she'd love to talk to you about it.
Bye.
Mom, I'm fine.
There's nothing to talk about.
- OK.
- It's not a big deal.
- Good.
- It's not like he's cheating on me.
- That's a relief.
- Don't you wanna know the problem? You told me to stop focusing on your life.
Right, I did.
Kevin fell asleep at eight on Valentine's Day.
We haven't slept together in three weeks.
Maybe he just sees me as an incubator for his baby.
- I'm sure you'll work it out.
- Mom.
I need a little advice here.
I don't know what to do.
Oh.
(Mumbling) Withhold sex.
- What? - Withhold sex.
Mother, he doesn't want sex.
Honey, he will if you withhold it.
Good night.
Wait a minute.
What's wrong with you? Where were you last night? We flew to Vegas, gambled away ten grand, watched a naked man dance and then I jumped out of an airplane.
Good night.
I don't know why I even try talking to her.
(? Rock-and-roll intro) ? When you're hungry for a snack ? Don't know what you're pickin' ? Try some toasted oats With just a hint of chicken ? Toasted Chickies Eat 'em by the buck, buck, bucket? (Cybill) Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
(Jeff) Watch it.
Ouch! (Ira) Sorry.
(Jeff) Look at what you're doing.
(Ira) If I look, I have to re-examine my entire life.
(Jeff) If you can't do it right, forget it.
- (Ira) If you'd hold still.
- Just get outta here.
Jeez, you try and do a guy a favour.