Dad Stop Embarrassing Me! (2021) s01e06 Episode Script

What's up, guys?
It's your girl, Sasha,
and in a couple hours,
you will see me
throwing it back at the block party.
Could you cover that, please?
First of all, you won't be throwing
nothing back at the block party.
You need to get your tail out there
and open the chairs and tables
for the cookout we got coming.
What are you talking about?
Zia and I are going to
the Juneteenth block party.
Check this, Lil Yachty is gonna be there,
Lil Baby, DaBaby.
I don't care
what kind of babies is gonna be there.
Grown-Faced Baby. Even Babyface
Is Babyface gonna be there?
Don't matter. Whatever it is,
my baby ain't gonna be there.
- Y'all talking about Juneteenth?
- Yes.
Well, that all started
when Abraham Lincoln got shot.
That's what they said at the barbershop.
Yeah, teach!
It wasn't even Lincoln
who wanted to free the slaves at first.
It was James Garfield.
[Brian] Hmm?
You don't even know who that is.
- [Brian scoffs and mumbles]
- [Pops mumbling]
The way the cat
got his name. Garfield the cat.
And plus, what are you going to learn
about Juneteenth from a bunch of Lils?
Hey, guys.
Ooh! Wearing your long shorts?
I thought you were
wearing your booty shorts.
Did you tell your dad
we're going to the block party?
See, that's the difference.
When you've got a Caucasian daddy,
you tell them what you're going to do.
But you got a Black daddy,
you gotta ask. She asked, and I said no.
Come on, girl. Let's go outside.
Well, there's always Julyteenth.
[hesitates] Listen, don't leave.
You're gonna miss the barbecue battle.
We about to burn for the urn.
Whatever that means.
You know what it means, Pops.
It's the barbecue battle,
baby, burn for the urn. You ready?
You know I'm the Rib King.
Ain't nobody gonna beat me and my world
famous sauce 'cause I got the meat. Yeah!
Yeah, you got the meats, all right.
But, uh, I don't think I'm the one
you need to be worried about.
- Say what?
- [doorbell rings]
[Pops mumbles]
You don't want the smoke.
It ain't Devonte', it ain't
It's Cadillac Calvin.
What's up, goat face? [grunts]
Slowly I turn,
step by step, inch by inch.
My brother Calvin shows up once a year
to torment me
every year around Juneteenth.
I thought they
killed you off on The Walking Dead.
Well, you thought wrong, Dixon.
I'm here in the flesh.
Sorry I had to park on your lawn.
You know what I'm here for.
I'm here to get back what's mine.
That barbecue battle
is mines, you understand?
It's mine.
As I recall [chuckles]
it's 3-3, and I'm here to break the tie.
I think your mind is slipping.
The score is 4-2, and last year
I had you kissing my rib tips.
I don't kiss
nobody rib tips, boy, I'm celibate.
Last year,
the only reason that I lost is because
[groans]
I had bad meat.
- Not the meat.
- [meat packet clatters]
Well, you ain't using my grill this year.
I ain't got to.
You better look outside
and see what I got for yo' ass.
- [forklift beeping]
- [Calvin laughing]
Beast!
Ooh! [chuckling]
What the hell is that?
You know what it is?
Chicken, steak and fish nightmare.
That's what it is.
It's the SMOKE-E-NATOR 5000.
It is the grandiose
Coupe de Ville of grizz-nills.
Let me tell you something,
we got Bluetooth, uh
I can check my Pimpstagram
and I can get the football scores.
You ain't scoring
no touchdowns in my backyard.
All over your yard
is what I'mma do, tell you right now.
Ain't nobody south of
the Mason-Dixon line gonna beat me today,
because my meat'll be
so tender, it falls right off the bone.
Ow!
[Elizabeth] My meat
so tender you can eat the bone.
Well, if it ain't
old hypochondriac-ass Elizabeth.
What was the name
of that perfume you wearin', formaldehyde?
[laughing]
Is that any way for the two of you
to talk about your own sister?
You better be glad
I can't see through my cataracts,
but I still know y'all,
y'all still butt ugly.
And you can bet
your ugly asses I'm keeping that urn.
Well, you gonna have to earn it back
'cause those are my daddy's ashes
and they belong on the mantle.
[crying] And my daddy, too.
Ta-da!
Daddy!
What did you do to Daddy's urn?
I gentrified it. Okurrr.
If you got a problem with it,
take it from me.
Beat me,
then it could be yours for the year.
Okay. Well, my daddy's urn
is coming home with me
because I'm gonna beat you this year.
Manny!
[in Spanish] Come here!
Give me my "El Matador"! Hurry up, man!
[in English] Here you go, Mr. Dixon.
[chuckles]
Now I gotta go get a tetanus shot.
Man, y'all check out my new shit.
It may not all be shiny
and new like yours,
but it cooks real good.
This is about to be
the "Thrilla on the Grilla."
[victorious Spanish music playing]
Daddy,
I will make you proud.
[yelling]
[opening theme playing]
We can laugh, we can hang ♪
- But don't embarrass me ♪
- Oh, no ♪
Please don't say the wrong thing
Dad, don't embarrass me ♪
We can dance, we can joke ♪
- But don't embarrass me ♪
- Oh, no ♪
Don't embarrass me
Please, Dad, don't embarrass me ♪
I know that you mean well
But don't be so foul ♪
When I'm hanging with my friends
Please don't be acting wild ♪
I said please don't embarrass me ♪
Dad, stop
Don't embarrass me ♪
Brian, you can't have Johnny
come to the barbecue.
What you talking about?
First of all, he always brings
that nasty-ass potato salad
- with raisins and walnuts in it.
- Yeah, he does.
And second, I cut his ass off.
Now when N.W.A said "F tha Police,"
they didn't mean it literally, sis.
Shut up, Brian.
That's my homie,
and he's coming with another Black girl.
I gotta go get some sodas.
- What?
- [Johnny] Hey, guys.
Oh! This party is off the chain.
Excuse me, devil,
we don't use the word
"chain" on Juneteenth.
Sorry. This party is off the shackles.
- Meet my new partner, Morgan.
- Thanks for inviting me.
Your partner? [chuckling]
Let me holla at you for a second.
Oh, so
Are you the, uh, pit master?
Excuse me, little lady,
we don't use the word
"master" on Juneteenth.
So you're just gonna bring
some random up in here?
I just told you, she's not
some random. She's my new partner.
Okay, you know what?
I know what it is you're doing,
but I ain't gonna fall for that.
Got something for yo' ass. [chuckles]
Hey, Marcus.
Yes, honey, we're having a barbecue.
Why don't you come on through?
Oh, my God. Are you seeing
everyone post about the block party?
- What?
- They even have cotton candy.
Excuse me, little lady,
we don't use the word
"cotton" on Juneteenth.
- [gasps] Girl, I just got an idea.
- What?
Let's just take
your dad's truck. I'll drive.
Are you crazy?
He'd run me over
with his truck if he knew I took it.
If we take it,
how can he run you over with it?
Besides, we'll be right back here,
hanging out before he even notices.
Excuse me, little lady,
we don't use the word
"hanging" on Juneteenth.
[sighs] Look, Zia,
I'm not trying to get in trouble.
- We won't. I mean, it's Juneteenth.
- Mmm-hmm.
What would Harriet Tubman do?
Do you even know who Harriet Tubman was?
Of course I do.
She invented the Underground Railroad,
which is now commonly called Amtrak.
Mmm.
[hesitates] Is the electricity on?
For the last time,
my password is Django. The "D" is silent.
Try "dumbass."
The "D" ain't silent.
Turn your ass off.
Wait till
the SMOKE-E-NATOR 5000 gets going.
You got to use all your strip club
singles 'cause it's going down.
Are you out of your rabbit-ass mind?
Wait till they taste my
Slap-The-Shit-Out-Of-Your-Papa sauce.
[laughs]
I miss my daddy.
Yeah, I bet your daddy's
looking right up from hell
at his three children
barbecuing together in the backyard.
I wish he sent some of that hell fire
to get this damn thing going.
The "D" is silent.
- There's my spices
- Hey, auntie.
Hey, Brian!
- Hey, baby, baby.
- Hey, baby.
How are you?
Just working on
the makeup, stuff like that.
So come here. Give your favorite auntie
some loving. I mean, some sugar.
Come on, now. Uh-uh.
We family, we kiss on the mouth.
[Elizabeth straining]
Ooh.
Anyway, auntie, it's good to see you.
It's good to be seen. [chuckles]
So, aunt, how you been?
Oh, I'm fine.
But since the last time I seen you,
they had to remove my malignant mole.
- No!
- But I'm all right.
Can't say the same thing
about your cousin Yvette.
She got the gonorrhea.
- What?
- Keep that on the low.
I will.
- So, how's your love life?
- You know
- Brian, hi.
- Oh
- How are you?
- Hi.
- Hi.
- [chuckling] Yeah, this is Stacy.
She runs the company here at Bay,
- and we like to Who is this?
- Brian, this is Rick.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Uh, let me know
if my Maybach is blocking your driveway.
So, Maybach? What, you
Uber, Lyft?
Actually, I own a fleet of aircraft.
He got money? Ooh!
Come over here
and give auntie some sugar. [chuckling]
Damn it, Zia. What are we gonna do?
- Okay, calm down. Calm down. Breathe.
- [takes a deep breath]
Okay, it's Atlanta, right?
- Mmm-hmm.
- So trucks get stolen all the time.
I mean, your dad's truck
got stolen twice in one day.
I never should've listened to you.
I was actually kind of surprised
you did, but hey, it was totally worth it,
'cause I almost got hit
by Meg Thee Stallion's ass.
I'm not worried about Meg's ass.
I'm trying to save my own ass.
[exhales]
[inhales deeply]
[laughing] You so funny and muscular.
Hey, you wanna know a secret?
One time I ate 36 hot dogs.
- Was it for a hot dog-eating contest?
- No.
Here, you want to help me eat my wienie?
Mmm.
Here, baby,
I know my sweetheart got a sweet tooth.
No. I don't do carbs, all right?
I thought we were
supposed to work out. It's glute day.
Get out of the way.
Oh, there's my little Sasha.
Hey, auntie.
Come give your favorite auntie some sugar,
but not too much, I'm prediabetic.
[chuckling] Mwah.
- Oh, hey, Brian.
- What's up?
- Got a call from my buddy at the impound.
- Mmm-hmm.
He said your truck was just towed there.
Impossible. My truck is here.
Nope. They got a 2019 Cadillac Escalade
with the license plate BAYBAY.
Why would they
come tow my truck from my own garage?
No, he said it was towed
from some block party downtown.
Don't worry. One of my guys is
bringing it back right now.
I can't believe Sasha
would do some shit like this.
What's going on?
Sasha and Zia went down
to this block party for Juneteenth
to see some babies or whatever.
But they took my truck
and they got it towed.
Sasha skipped out on our
family tradition? She need to be scolded.
- [Brian] Hmm.
- That's so weird.
Zia told me
she was going to the block party,
but she didn't say
she was going to steal your truck.
Oh, my God. They're in so much trouble.
You can ground them,
but they still got
their cell phones and social media.
They will cancel you, man.
You got to get medieval
on their little asses.
- You got to make them suffer.
- [Brian] Yeah.
Y'all go ahead and enjoy
that barbecue. Old school got this.
Hey.
Don't you run up on me
like that. My nerves are bad.
Now, look, I'm just gonna
address the elephant in the room.
You a thieving-ass elephant.
Dixon, I ain't never stolen no elephant.
You stole my recipe for my
Slap-The-Shit-Out-Of-Your-Papa sauce.
Okay. I might have stolen it,
but I ain't steal it from you.
- I stole it from Daddy. I got to pee-pee.
- Hmm.
Hey, Pops, Auntie Elizabeth said
that you might need some help.
I'm good, honey. I just need your
daddy to run to the store, get some ice.
- Brian
- No, no. Zia and I will take care of it.
No, 'cause I need, like, ten bags.
That's too much for children to carry.
- Brian
- No, no. Ten bags?
Shoot! Ten bags ain't got
nothing on me. We'll handle it.
[chuckling]
[tongs rattling]
[amusing instrumental music playing]
[Calvin] Gotcha!
[exclaims]
Ah! Ah
Just getting some milk,
does the body good.
That's it. That's why I got no heat.
I'm all pissed.
Which one of you sons of bitches
unplugged my SMOKE-E-NATOR 5000?
Not me.
I've been telling your ass
since we was toddlers not to mess with me.
Why in the Beelzebub
would you turn off my SMOKE-E-NATOR 5000?
You need to plug in
a new attitude when you step to me.
You know what?
I ain't worried about y'all
'cause y'all old-school anyway.
Look at this, I got solar panels, huh?
All I need is the sun.
I ain't got no sun. Sun?
Sun?
[Sasha heaving]
- Okay.
- Oh.
There you go, Pops.
Ten bags of ice and four frozen arms.
You need to go catch up with your daddy.
I need him to get me
three bags of charcoal. Brian!
- No, no, we can do it.
- Yeah, we can do it.
You sure?
This ain't no job for no little girl.
It's hell, it's how I got my heel spur.
- Brian!
- No, no.
- We got this. We got this.
- Yeah.
And you don't have to tell my dad.
Maybe I can rub your heels later.
Hmm. Okay, and get me
some foot cream and some Preparation H,
but you keep that on the low.
[R&B music playing on stereo]
Hey, hey.
Hey.
This is stupid.
We've known each other forever.
I don't wanna fight with you.
I'm sorry I used my patrol partner
to try to make you jealous.
Wait. She's your patrol partner?
[chuckles]
I thought y'all were smashing.
We did some hand stuff
after a murder-suicide,
but no, we're just friends.
Well, did you solve the case?
It's a murder-suicide.
It solves itself.
Can we go back to being friends?
- Frenemies. [chuckles]
- Frenemies.
- With benefits?
- Boy, bye.
I'm kidding.
Where's Morgan?
Where's Marcus?
They gone.
They were over there in the corner,
rubbing each other's shoulders
and whatnot. [chuckles]
I'm friends with his grandmama.
Word is, that boy got cut from the Falcons
'cause he was trying to
snort the 40-yard line.
Y'all keep that on the low.
Oh. [chuckles]
Look at our little barbecue assistants.
- We're happy to help.
- [panting]
Hey, look at all my children.
Good to see you again.
You know what,
I am hankering for some, uh, chitterlings
on that SMOKE-E-NATOR 5000.
I ain't got my keys,
I'mma try to go down and grab some.
I guess I'll ask Brian. Brian!
- What? No. No Brian.
- Brian!
- Have you seen him? Brian.
- I haven't.
I haven't seen him, but,
I mean, we can go get it.
I mean, where do you get chitterlings?
Well, children of corn,
this is what you do.
Go down to the, uh
Piggly Wiggly, right?
You go in and in the back is
Charlie Ray or Ray Charles, they're twins.
They'll take you to the back where
the chitterlings is, once you get 'em,
leave the top open,
so you could smell it. Go ahead, now.
- Okay, all right. Guts, breathe. Got it.
- [Calvin] Mmm-hmm.
[grunts]
- Brian, hey.
- Hey, what's up?
Do you have any paper plates?
- Paper plates.
- Yeah.
Uh, right there in the cabinet.
So, uh, your friend, huh, Nick?
You guys are getting along pretty good.
Uh, Rick? Yeah, he's okay.
I'm sorry I brought
a date without mentioning it.
Yeah, well, you know,
it's all good. Don't have to worry about.
Dick seems cool.
Brian. It's Rick.
Yeah, Rick. Of course.
How could I get that wrong?
Dick, Rick.
[Brian sighs]
- I don't see it.
- Right here, at the top.
I'm a man. Let me get it.
I'm a man. Hey.
Mmm.
No more sugar, I'm good. Thank you.
That woman's handsy.
- Hey!
- Dick.
- Yeah.
- Rick, Rick. [chuckles nervously]
- Did you find the plates?
- Got 'em.
[mumbles]
Brian, did, uh,
Stacy tell you the good news?
I I didn't talk to him yet.
I was going to tell you on Monday.
Tell me on Monday? What's going on?
Well, Rick has offered
to take me around the world.
- I made an offer she couldn't refuse.
- [Stacy chuckles]
[laughs mockingly]
You know what? Congratulations.
And, uh happy travels.
And, uh enjoy, Dick.
I mean Rick.
[chuckles nervously]
[grunts softly]
What the hell?
[grunts] What? It can't be.
[Brian grunts]
Hey, Sasha.
Is that the smell of chitterlings?
[chuckling nervously]
Yeah, I went and got 'em.
But look,
your truck's here. That's crazy, right?
What's so crazy about that?
[gasps] Oh, my God.
I'm so confused.
Do you think he knows?
God damn right, I know.
- [chuckling nervously] Okay, Dad.
- [chuckles mockingly]
I'mma tell you something.
So first, when we borrowed your car,
I mean, your truck.
I mean, see
You got five seconds to spit it out.
Okay, so we stole your truck,
and then it was gone,
and we tried to take the bus back.
I know what you're going to say,
that it was a bad idea.
You were right. We've already
learned a very valuable lesson already.
How about those Lakers?
- Oh, the Lakers are great.
- Mmm-hmm.
Won the championship. LeBron.
You should play for the team.
Because if you played for the Lakers,
you'd be leading in steals and lies.
They don't have a category
for that, but they should if you play.
All right? So how we're gonna fix this?
We're gonna ground you for six weeks.
- Okay. Yeah, I totally deserve that.
- Mmm-hmm.
No TV for six weeks.
Not just no TV, but no iPads,
no social media, no games.
And especially no iPhone.
What? No phone? You can't take my phone.
Come on. Ground me. Kill me.
Whoop me. Don't take away my phone.
Excuse me, little lady, we don't use
the word "whoop" on Juneteenth.
[Sasha huffs]
- [applause]
- [Brian] Now to the awards.
The Best Mac and Cheese Award
goes to Aunt Elizabeth?
- I didn't make it.
- [Brian] Mmm-hmm.
- I actually made that.
- [Brian exclaims]
[indistinct chatter]
- [Chelsea] Oh.
- My noodle game is strong as hell.
[chuckles]
Proud, boy. Proud, boy.
See? I told you,
that Kraft macaroni works every time.
[exclaims]
All right, it's time for the main event
and now we'll see who's gonna be crowned
the new Rib King or Queen
of the Thrilla on the Grilla.
[Calvin laughing]
That's easy, baby.
It's the SMOKE-E-NATOR 5000.
SMOKE-E-NATOR boom bye yae.
SMOKE-E-NATOR boom bye yae.
[ululating]
Boy, I ain't new to this.
I'm true to this.
[Calvin grunts]
Sasha, won't you take
one of them selfish pictures of me?
I would, but someone took my phone.
And someone took my truck.
[Chelsea mumbles]
All right. First up, Calvin's ribs.
[Manny straining]
Ooh. Oh! Ugh!
I'm not eating that. It's still alive.
This rib is bleeding like it's my ulcer.
You know what?
This is some bullshit crap.
Understand? I ain't seen
that much blood since,
uh, that movie Mel Gibson did about Jesus.
You know what?
All y'all ain't nothing.
One of y'all done set me up!
You're just a sore loser.
Take your ol' bleeding ribs
and get on out of here.
- Go on.
- You know what?
I ain't got to worry about none of this.
You understand me?
I'm getting out of here and know what?
[hesitates] That grill,
it'll fly home to me.
It'll turn into a drone
and come on home.
All right, okay.
Now, let's taste Elizabeth's ribs.
Well, unfortunately, my ribs,
they didn't make it here
because somebody
let the Rottweiler in from next door.
I know nothing,
I see nothing, I do nothing.
And, uh, Pops,
completely unrelated, you owe me $50.
Well, look, I won this by default.
Uh-uh. You'll get this urn
over my dead Ow!
Don't you bite me.
Hey! Well, there's room
for two bodies in this thing.
- Okay. Uh
- Calm down. Everybody just calm down.
Uh, well, even though it's a formality
- Yeah.
- Uh
Why don't you guys try Pop's ribs?
- [Elizabeth sighs]
- [indistinct murmuring]
[Manny] Mmm.
These are amazing.
- [Johnny] Mmm!
- [Elizabeth] Mmm-hmm!
They're, um really, really small.
- Are these from a baby pig?
- [Stacy] Huh.
Oh, well, that's a highway pig.
That's a possum.
[all exclaiming]
- Hey! I got it for 12 cents a pound.
- [Elizabeth] Oh!
Y'all ain't said nothing
about them squirrel dogs.
[all exclaiming]
[imperceptible]
Smile
Smile ♪
Wave your arms ♪
'Cause you're my angel
'Cause you're my angel ♪
My number one
My number one ♪
Doesn't get better than this ♪
And I brought the stars
I brought the stars ♪
And the moonlight
And the moonlight ♪
For your heart ♪
Doesn't get better than this ♪
Oh, you know I love you ♪
When I say your name ♪
It turns into sunshine ♪
Like we're dancing in the rain ♪
Love ♪
As I look into your eyes ♪
I can see the picture
More complete now ♪
The picture is perfect ♪
Perfect ♪
Perfect ♪
Perfect ♪
And the picture is perfect ♪
Perfect ♪
Perfect ♪
Perfect ♪
And the picture is perfect ♪