Dad's Army (1968) s01e06 Episode Script

As the battle reaches its climax, the enemy is throwing all he's got into the fray.
Britain's Home Guard, jeeringly referred to as ''The Broomstick Army'' by Dr Goebbels, is now fully armed.
And if Mr Hitler DOES put his foot on our doorstep, the so–called ''Broomstick Army'' will soon make a clean sweep of him! These men never spare themselves.
Day and night, every moment away from their civilian jobs is taken up with this one thought – in the words of Herbert Morrison, ''Go to it!'' Loss of sleep is no obstacle to these men.
After being up all night on manoeuvres, they go to their offices and factories, with no time for any other activities.
Bye, darling.
See you tonight! Ah! Just as I thought.
Come in.
Remember what I tell the men about advancing in extended order? Yes.
If I fire this gun, it knocks down the first man, and he in turn knocks all the rest down, so if you're met with a machine gun, the whole platoon will be mown down.
Watch.
– Well, you get the general idea.
– Yes.
– Here are the weekly orders from GHQ, sir.
– Thank you.
I'll just put it over with my map case, then it won't get misplaced.
Excuse me.
Are you all right? Perfectly all right, thank you.
– What do you think of that? – Very good, sir.
My wife's idea.
For a quick draw, you see.
Very good, but isn't it a little bit unorthodox? The trouble with you is that you have a Blimp mentality.
If we're going to beat the Hun, we've got to be unorthodox! We can't get into a rut.
We've got to be flexible.
Where's my coffee? She knows I like it at 10.
30.
– I'll tell her.
– No, don't bother.
I'm going to have to take this thing off.
I can't sit down comfortably in it at all.
Better keep it handy, though.
Never know when the enemy might be at our throat.
– Will there be a good turnout for target practice? – I hope so, yes.
– I was a bit ashamed of our shooting last week.
– Some men didn't do too badly.
I still fail to understand how they could mistake the tyres on the Area Commander's staff car for the target.
– All four of them? – No, all five.
They got the spare as well.
– He parked it too near the target.
– Will you ask Miss King to bring my coffee? Miss King, would you bring in Mr Mainwaring's coffee, please? Have you read this, Wilson? ''The Prime Minister will inspect coastal defences in ten days' time.
''For security, date and time will not be released until the last minute.
''Since your platoon was the first to be formed in this area, ''you have been chosen as the guard of honour.
'' That's wonderful news.
You see? In the end, real leadership will always be recognised, Wilson.
It says that we have been chosen because we were the first platoon to be formed in the area.
– That will be all, Wilson, thank you.
– Right.
A pity he's no imagination.
Still, I shouldn't be too harsh on him.
Some men are born to be leaders, some men are born to be led.
Unorthodox indeed! I won't go into detail, but what it boils down to is this.
During the Prime Minister's inspection of coastal defences, we'll act as guard of honour.
Marvellous! Now that ammunition is a little more plentiful, we'll have another target practice on Saturday.
Major Regan will give us his expert tuition.
Blimey! I thought we'd got rid of that basket! Now, any man who can't attend on Saturday, take one pace forward.
Why can't you come, Walker? I've got me stall in the market on Saturdays.
– Pike? – I'm playing football, sir.
Frazer? – Fishing.
– You were fishing last Saturday.
Didnae catch anything.
– Godfrey? – I have to go to the clinic, sir.
– Corporal? – My dad's coming to tea.
This is the first time that you've shown anything but 100 per cent keenness.
If it's Major Regan that's worrying you, he only has our best interests at heart.
Permission to speak, sir! He ain't got my best interests at heart.
– He tried to give me the elbow last week.
– Quiet, Corporal! I intend to ignore what has just happened, and I shall expect a full turnout on Saturday.
– Is that understood? – Yes, sir.
I knew you wouldn't let me down.
Fine body of men, aren't they? Awfully nice, sir.
Platoon, platoon'shun! Very good.
Very smart.
When the Prime Minister walks down your ranks, I want him to be able to say to himself, ''Of such stuff as this are Britons made!'' – Good afternoon, Captain.
– Afternoon, sir.
Squad, left turn! So sorry.
Would you mind putting your rifles down by the side? Order arms! First Platoon, B Company Home Guard, reporting for target practice, sir.
– Thank you, Captain.
Stand them at ease.
– Squad, stand at ease.
Stand, ereasy.
Four men will go to the pits to look after the targets.
– All right, Captain? – Yes, sir.
Carry on.
– Corporal Jones, fall out the markers.
– Right, sir.
Frazer, Joe, Pikey.
Follow me.
Squad, 'shun! For inspectionporthut! – All right, sir? – Your thumb, man.
– Sorry? – Where is your thumb? When you port arms for inspection, you put your thumb in the breech like that.
All right, sir? All right.
I'm coming.
– Lance Corporal Jones.
– We're ready to start firing, Jonesy.
– Yes, sir.
Bye–bye, Mr Wilson.
– Bye–bye, Jonesy.
They're gonna start firing.
Pikey, get hold of that flag.
– Every time you hear a shot, wave it.
– What does that mean? – That means they've missed.
– If we don't look at the target, – how do we know they've missed? – They'll miss.
Gather round, chaps.
I'm going to fire a few rounds so that you get the idea.
Blow the whistle.
Someone shot the top off me flag! They must be improving.
– Lance Corporal Jones.
– You keep showing me misses.
– I've never missed a target in me life! – Is that you firing, sir? – Yes, it is.
I'm coming down to the pit.
– Yes, sir.
He's coming down.
– That was the major firing.
– Will I get into trouble? – We'll say it was Jonesy's fault.
– What are we going to do, Jonesy? Don't panic! Don't panic! We're not panicking.
We're going to blame you.
Get that target down, will you? What does that look like to you? – A hole, sir.
– And you? – Definitely holes.
– They're holes, all right.
– What do you think? – I'd say they were holes, sir.
I'm glad you've cleared that up for me.
Now, you lot, just get a hold of yourselves.
You're sloppy! Look at this place.
Tidy it up for a start! Get a grip of yourselves! Come along, Mainwaring.
– Put the – At the double! Yes, sir! That was a close one! How were we to know that Tom Mix would be firing? That major's a crack shot.
Mr Wilson said he shot at Bisley.
Did he kill him? No, he only did it to frighten him! Jack Jones the butcher I mean, Lance Corporal Jones.
– Are you ready? – Yes, sir.
Ready, madam Ready, sir.
We're ready to start.
We've got to do it properly this time.
Right.
Well done, Godfrey.
Up you get.
A very seasoned man, sir.
Well, you each fired five rounds and the results are pretty sloppy.
I'm sure Captain Mainwaring and Sergeant Wilson would like to fire a few shots.
No, that's all right, sir.
There's no hurry.
Come, now.
Don't be modest.
That's a pretty holster you're wearing.
– Why do you wear it so low down on your hip? – It helps him to get quicker on the draw.
You've been watching too many cowboy films.
When did you last fire it? I haven't fired it, sir – not intentionally, that is.
Well, there's no time like the present.
– Wilson, tell them to put the dummy up.
– Put the dummy up.
Right–o.
Wilco.
Put the dummy up.
Mr Mainwaring's gonna fire.
I'll put the dummy up.
Raise it, Joe.
Wait till I get the dummy on, then haul it up.
Up! Ready, Captain? Raise your revolver slowly, keeping your arm straight, and squeeze the trigger.
I haven't told you to fire it yet! It went off.
I'm sorry.
I didn't realise it had such a kick.
Of course it has.
It's not a damn water pistol! What are you smiling at? It's your turn next.
Five rounds – rapid fire! – Was I on the target, sir? – You didn't get it on the bloody range! You carry on.
See what you can do.
This Thompson sub–machine gun will be issued to your platoon shortly.
You can fire it from the shoulder, or you can fire it from the hips.
– We'll fire it from the hip.
All right, Sergeant? – Yes.
You grip it like that.
There.
And you grip it here on the pistol grip.
– Tell them to take the dummy down.
– Take the dummy down.
Nice firm grip! Left elbow well into your side.
The next thing to do is to cock it.
You take your right hand off the grip and pull back the bolt.
Well, go on! – This thing's terribly stiff, isn't it? – Now it's ready to fire.
There's just one other thing.
These guns tend to pull to the right and up, so I'll brace myself against you to keep you firm.
There is another thing.
Hot, empty cartridges spew out all over the place, so watch out for your face.
– Have you got all that? – Yes, I have.
– Stand by.
– Standing by.
Fire! It's all right, Sergeant.
It's all over.
Sergeant! – Exciting, wasn't it? – Yes, if you like that sort of thing.
There's no need to snatch it like that.
You're very rough! Now I'll show you how to really fire it! Tell them to put up the dummy.
Right, sir.
Right.
I wish they'd make up their minds.
Stick it up, stick it down.
Frazer, Joe, get ready for the dummy.
Chuck me the dummy.
Pull her up! Agh! Help! Are you all right, mate? Blimey! Talk about tear round the dotted line! Hello, Mrs Pike.
This is a turn–up for the books! That's just what the doctor ordered.
– Get stuck in.
– No! Where's Arthur and Mr Mainwaring? – They're coming now.
– Don't start till they get here.
Whatever's the matter? You look worn out.
Well, Al Capone here has had rather a shattering experience.
What really unnerved me most was your imitation of Billy the Kid.
Never mind, Arthur.
Have one of my rock cakes.
Don't worry if the men can't shoot right.
If they can fix bayonets and charge, that's what matters.
See, the Hun doesn't like it up 'im, sir.
As soon as you get the cold steel Yes, Corporal.
I'm sure your fighting spirit is an example to us all.
I'm not worried about meself, but after this afternoon's little tibackle, I think the men's mor–aul is all shattered, sir.
If it's as firm as Mrs Pike's rock cakes, we're all right! – Sorry, ma'am.
– Carry on drinking your tea, but pay attention.
I think it's fair to say that our shooting today wouldn't have killed many Nazis.
On the other hand, it would have made them jolly well keep their heads down.
All we need is a little more practice, and if Hitler does come knocking on our door, he'll find us very much at home.
See who that is, Corporal.
Mainwaring, I want to talk to you over here.
At the double! Don't you salute a superior officer in the Home Guard? Yes, sir.
You can forget about being the Prime Minister's guard of honour.
You're a sloppy lot.
– The Eastgate Platoon will do a better job.
– I really must protest, sir.
There's no need.
You've been given a second chance.
Tomorrow, there'll be a shooting contest between you and the Eastgate Platoon.
Have your three best shots on the range at 1300 hours.
Any questions? – Just one, sir.
1300? – One o'clock.
– No questions, sir.
– Right.
Carry on.
– We'll never be ready.
– It's only against their three best shots.
Pike's all we've got.
– Frazer says he could just about hit the target.
– We've not seen him shoot.
– It is a bit grim.
– Grim? Hopeless.
There isn't even any tea left.
– Shall I make you some fresh? – Don't bother, thank you.
You two look as though you've been stuck against a wall to be shot.
If our platoon was doing the shooting, they'd have nothing to worry about.
– I don't think that's very amusing, Walker.
– Listen, I've got an idea.
I normally go down the Hippodrome Theatre on a Saturday night.
Why don't we all make up a party? We'll have a marvellous laugh.
– I can do my business in the interval.
– That's a lovely idea.
Charlie Cheeseman the Cheerful Chump's on the top of the bill.
He makes me laugh! Doesn't he make you laugh, Arthur? He'll make you laugh, and you, Mr Mainwaring.
He'll make you both laugh your heads off.
A big woman, my wife.
She weighs 18 stone.
That's with her eyebrows plucked and her ears pierced.
My wife is so fat, I have to put a bookmark in to remember where her mouth is.
We're sitting there having our supper.
Nice bit of cod, chips.
Bread and marge.
Pot of tea.
All of a sudden, Lord Haw–Haw comes on the wireless.
He said, ''This is Germany calling.
''Everybody in England, you're all starving.
'' I looked over at the wife and said, ''Blimey! Somebody's telling a lie!'' And now a little number dedicated to all fire–watchers, entitled, ''I Can't Get Over a Girl Like You ''.
.
So Turn Out the Lights Yourself!'' – Isn't he a scream, Arthur! – Yes – Don't you think he's a scream? – Yes.
A perfect scream.
I love the smell of a good cigar, Joe.
I don't think this was a very good idea.
No, I don't think it was.
And now, direct from South America, the crack shot of the pampas, Miss Laura la Plaz.
I'm nipping out for a minute.
I'll see you after the interval.
Don't go away, darling.
– What is all this, Wilson? – Walker has an extraordinary idea for helping us win this afternoon.
Is he going to bribe the major? About the shoot this afternoon.
I haven't had a chance to tell you, but May I introduce Laura la Plaz? Good morning, gentlemen.
When do I start? – Have you gone mad? – No, she's a ballistics expert.
I can well believe it.
You don't understand.
She knows all about it.
She's gonna have a go with us on the range.
That's enough.
Young woman, cover yourself up and go home.
What were you saying, Frazer? Sorry, sir.
Something seems to have driven it right out of my head.
'Ere, you, I ain't going home.
What about my silk stockings? All right, darling.
Don't break into a trot.
This is the turn we saw last night – the woman that was a crack shot.
– She's going to shoot for us this afternoon.
– We'll never get away with this.
Of course not.
The whole thing's a disaster.
– We'll soon have her looking like a soldier.
– We'll never get away with it.
If somebody found out, we'd be up for a court martial.
I never even liked the act very much.
Don't keep staring at the girl.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
There we are.
Try on the boots.
– Ain't you got anything smaller? – That's all we've got.
– What about her barnet? – I've got it all worked out.
Tuck it up.
Right up there.
There you go.
Underneath.
Right up.
Tuck it in all in.
What about that, sir? – The whole idea is ridiculous! – Yes, she still looks like a girl to me, sir.
How would YOU remember? Anyway, we're not finished yet.
Come here.
Grab hold of that, darling.
Get hold of the bins.
Put 'em on.
– Where did you get the 'tache from? – You want to know everything, don't you? How's that? Transformation! Squad, 'shun! Stick your chest out.
– I don't think it's going to work, sir.
– Don't get disheartened too soon.
Right turn! – By the left, quick march.
– Left, right, left, right – Left! Left! – You've gone too far.
Take those ridiculous clothes off.
Good morning, Captain.
All ready for this afternoon's shoot? My God, what's that? – It's a new recruit.
– He's gonna shoot for us this afternoon.
He's a bit puny.
Why's he wearing purple glasses? – How can he shoot with those on? – He's long–sighted.
– He'll take them off to shoot.
– What's his name? What's his name? – Padaruski.
– Can't he speak for himself? – No, sir.
He's Polish.
– He's in the Polish cavalry.
That's why he's so short.
He used to be a jockey.
Glad to have you with us.
Mainwaring, did you see that diamond ring? He's a bit pansy, isn't he? Well, I haven't known him very long, sir.
I see.
Watch him.
I'll see you this afternoon.
I shall be there to see that everything's above board.
Right, carry on.
It should prove to be a very interesting afternoon.
Very! Well done.
Well done, Pike.
– One more to go.
– Keep it steady, son.
What did you do that for? I don't know, sir, but I saw Gary Cooper do it in a film once.
I saw that film.
It worked awfully well for Gary Cooper.
– Hasn't worked awfully well for Pike, has it? – Let's see what your number two can do.
Right.
Private, erShostakovich.
– I thought you said his name was Padaruski? – Yes, Padaruski Shostakovich.
– Poles have very long names, some of them.
– Right.
Carry on.
Bull! Well done! What are you doing? Not that way! – Can I have my mirror? – Of course not.
Get down! Hurry up, Mainwaring.
All outers.
Not so good.
That puts you four points down.
– Frazer.
– Aye, sir.
Come here.
– What's the matter with you? – Perhaps she needs clay pipes for targets.
– You got the first one in the bull.
– Well, 'cause it was normal.
– How do you mean? – My routine.
One normal, one upside down, one between me legs, and one with the mirror.
Why can't you do it lying down? 'Cause I can't get near enough to the ground, can I? – Mr Mainwaring! Mr Frazer just got two bulls! – What? Well done! Bullseye! Steady.
Steady, Frazer.
It's all right, sir.
I was in minesweepers during the war, and I used to pick off the mines.
Bullseye! That's it.
What are you waving it about like that for? It's the only way I can shoot, sir.
This is the motion of the sea.
Do it any way you like, but remember – we only need one more bull to win! Bull! – You never said you were a crack shot, man! – You never asked me.
You mean to say you stood there while we tried to make that stupid girl look like a man and never said anything? Why didn't you speak? When the lassie began to take her clothes off, the words stuck in my throat.
First Platoon, B Company Walmington–on–Sea Home Guard, present arms!