Damned (2016) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode Six
1 Ten, nine, eight You've been underperforming for too long.
That stops today.
Seven, six five Close down another 50 cases or else.
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four three Denise, I can't Tardiness will not be tolerated.
.
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two My code isn't working so I can't open the door.
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.
one.
Time's up.
Both of you, that's a disciplinary.
Look, Denise, I was there with 11 seconds to spare, I don't know if you saw me.
But code's not working, so could you let me off once? Nope.
Don't take it, Nit, she won't respect you.
Just think of her as an unforgiving lover.
God Right, I'm reviewing everyone's caseload.
I need updates with a view to closing the case on the Hortons NAI, the 45-day assessment period is up.
The Millwoods foster kid who keyed every car in his road, has he been reallocated? And where is the background check on Jerry Donagh? Oh, I've done that, I've done that.
Erm, yes, he's changed his name, but he's definitely the same children's entertainer who called that four-year-old a cunt.
No-one leaves before 6pm.
There will be a headcount at the end of the day.
Questions.
Oh, yes, erm Ingrid, welcome back.
I trust you've made a full recovery.
Well, yes, but I think I may have just ruptured my stitches, so I'm, um Natalie, make Ingrid a cup of tea, would you, please? No, I should just get straight to HR.
I think it's It's, erm, it's not good.
Everyone else, work.
You've got until six o'clock.
Oh, shit.
Why is she bringing the hammer down today? I was planning to get away at lunchtime and get the Eurostar with Caitlin.
Look, we'll have to revert to those sort of primary school tactics, you know, where you splash your forehead with hot water and then you've got a temperature.
Still, I bet she's got a thermometer.
Yeah, an anal one, like some sort of medieval torture spike.
Hey, speaking of medieval, how's Lee? Well, rather unexpectedly, he's agreed to take my mum to the GP today.
She's a bit out of control at home and I can't really cope.
Oh, I think that's very nice of him.
It's not like Audrey's HIS mum.
Don't say positive things about him, I forbid it.
So, Denise wants to see us all at the end of the day.
I just hope I haven't screwed it up because I really smelt a promotion there.
Al And I can smell your aftershave.
Jesus, what is it? Fly spray? Answer your bloody phone, Al! It's not bloody ringing, Nat.
Oh, shit, sorry.
PHONE RINGS Hello? Al Kavanagh speaking.
'This is about a baby in Superbrands.
' Oh, right.
Is it the same baby that was on top of a bus shelter last September? 'Yeah, that's right.
' Now it's in the crisp section of Superbrands.
I've got an actual job to do, please don't waste my time.
Cheerio.
There's been a baby left in a supermarket, are you seriously not going to do anything? Nat, it's so obviously a prank call.
You just get a feel for which ones are genuine.
We get loads of calls about that baby.
It's been so many places - it's been in the floral display at the roundabout, up a tree in the park, and it was in the changing rooms at the swimming pool.
Maybe that's where we could house some of my Syrian family.
Those poor Ghorani kids, haven't you got them anywhere yet? Al, on that note, the one that says he's 12, he's actually 5'10" with a moustache.
As he's an orphaned refugee, Nitin, he doesn't have any paperwork, so we kind of have to take his word for it.
Anyway, it's bum fluff.
Well, as long as you're sure about the baby.
It sounded real to me.
What sounded real? The call about the abandoned baby in Superbrands.
Denise, it's so obviously a prank.
Just get down there.
Why don't I ring first? Cos Al's quite poorly, actually, and if he gets iller I can cover for him.
No, Al looks perfectly all right.
I can't risk you being stuck in a queue for half an hour while someone steals an infant.
Take Nitin with you, and if there is a baby, I'll alert the police.
Get your coat, Nitin, we're going baby hunting in Superbrands.
'Mate, I was expecting that safe-dialling report 'five weeks ago.
' Thanks for trying to get my back.
Want some coffee? No, ta.
Despite the fact I've got 29 more important things to do, I've got to go baby hunting with Nitin, so I thought I'd take a packed lunch.
Although, to be perfectly honest, there's nothing in here that would encourage someone that didn't want to get salmonella.
Lunch? It's quarter past nine.
Elevenses, then.
Got to keep my strength up.
How are you feeling? Hmm? How are you feeling? LOUDLY: Oh, erm, I'm a bit ill and I've got a terrible headache.
Oh, dear, sounds like someone's suffering.
LOUDER: Poor you, Al.
(Wanting to get away for the weekend, are you?) Well, the walls have got very big ears, you know.
Yeah.
Bit like me, Al.
Poor old Martin.
You know, I can't stand it that Denise has let that thing go on so long.
I can't stand Denise.
Anyway, where are you taking Caitlin? Paris.
Oh! Lee and I went to Lille because it was nearer and it was cheaper.
Actually, fuck all that.
Got pissed, had a row, came home.
Look, why can't you just ask Denise as a favour to let you off a bit early? Because you have to be seeing the white light at the tunnel's end before she'll even consider it.
Do you know, recently she's gone from benevolent dictator to Kim Jong-un.
Which one's that? Looks like Michael McIntyre.
Oh.
What if Denise says no? I've got nowhere to go, then, have I? I can't say, "Oh, it seems your refusal "has brought on a vicious migraine.
" PHONE BLEEPS Shit, it's the crisis centre.
God, if I don't sort out something with those Syrian kids I'm going nowhere.
Wonder if Denise has got a spare room.
No, I think that's been turned into an S&M dungeon for the local councillors.
Rose! What? You told me to put my coat on 20 minutes ago.
That's because I like to see a man shin-deep in nylon.
All right, listen, I'm coming baby hunting, OK? Hang on.
DOOR BLEEPS Come on, then, let's go.
What's the code? I'll do it.
DOOR BLEEPS That was the same as before so what's happened? Come on, come on! HE MUTTERS Hello, can I help? Yeah, just here to see Denise Donnelly.
Your name, please.
It's Daisy Ronson.
Take a seat, I'll check she's free.
Look, I've got to get a few bits and pieces.
Don't grass me up to Denise.
It's very inappropriate, Rose.
You shouldn't be wandering off to other areas of the supermarket, we've got to stick to the aisle where the abandoned baby is.
The imaginary abandoned baby, you mean.
If I go to that aisle, all I can get is a bumper variety pack of Walkers crisps for the kids' tea.
No change there, then.
Was that a joke, Nitin? I prefer to think of it as bants.
Take it easy, you don't want to shoot your load too early on in the day.
So, how would you feel about being on the sex offenders' register? Please, no! You, a professional employed in good faith by the local authority, appear to be in some sort of relationship with a pupil - my son.
I mean, if this is true, it's a gross dereliction of your duty and an indictable offence.
But in fairness to you, I'm giving you the opportunity to explain yourself before I put in motion a series of events which will most certainly ruin your career, quite possibly your life.
So the floor is yours.
We exchanged some text messages and met once outside school.
I swear to you I didn't sleep with him.
Please, you've got to believe me! I've been in social work for 30 years, I don't believe anyone.
I'm telling the truth! I know I've been monumentally stupid, but please, please give me a chance.
Consider yourself lucky, Miss Ronson.
On this occasion, I will not inform the police.
But if you ever go near my son again, I will see you in prison.
Get out.
Wait! Give me your phone.
"Dear Daniel, "I have been diagnosed with genital herpes.
Daisy.
" Send.
That is an abuse of trust and power.
Well, that makes two of us, then.
You know what? I think he just needed an adult in his life who would listen to him.
Rose, I just wanted to say that if I do get a promotion, I don't want it to affect our friendship.
You're not getting a promotion and we're not friends.
Yes, Caitlin.
A cringing, pathetic, boot-licking toady.
That's a very accurate description on occasion.
'Yes, it is.
' But then again, you don't have to ask your boss's permission to go on a mini-break, do you? So 'No, it's just' I'll be there.
'OK now.
' OK? PHONE BLEEPS Come.
HE COUGHS You wanted to see me.
Yes, Alastair.
I didn't want to put this into an e-mail for various reasons HE SHIVERS It's not that cold in here, is it? Perhaps you should wear a vest.
I'm sick.
I'm ill.
My glands are all up.
I used to be St John Ambulance, you know.
Oh.
HE SPLUTTERS Um, you're not hot.
Look, give it a couple of hours.
If you're no better I'll shoot off home to bed.
.
.
take an aspirin.
The reason I called you in was to mention the incident at Glenway School.
The suspected child abuse.
Well, yeah, I wouldn't go that far, but anyway, it's dealt with.
But what exactly? I'm not opening it to the floor for questions, OK? Do I make myself clear? Right, well, while we're sharing confidences, perhaps I should make MYSELF clear and tell you that most of us are aware of the GP letter about a certain colleague that you mislaid and we are hoping that you will act on its contents.
Cheerio.
HE COUGHS Cornflour, cornflour.
That's where I'm pointing.
Look, hey, Lee, hang on, you're breaking up, you're breaking up.
Rose, do you think maybe you're forgetting something? I don't know, like what? Chocolate, Nobby's Nuts? No, it's one word, it's very important.
Piss off.
That's two.
I'll go find the baby.
'.
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E-mail, my phone' Lee, I don't really want to hear this at the moment.
I'm busy, OK? 'Rose, what are you wearing?' What am I wearing? We were together for 17 years and you choose this moment to try phone sex? It's all right, I know what you're wearing - that scarf that makes you look like Axl Rose.
What the fuck are you doing here? Where's Mum? Right, I don't want you to get angry, all right? I took Audrey to the GP but I forgot the list of questions you wanted me to ask, so when I got in there I didn't know what to say.
She's the one that's meant to have Alzheimer's, you dozy twat.
What's the fucking point of you? I'm doing the family shop! Just go back to the GP and wait there till you're seen.
More fun living in that caravan park.
Missed! Baby's not by the crisps.
Well, you could have got me some prawn cocktail.
And it's a prank baby.
There's the prank baby.
Oh, shit.
Hey.
It wasn't a prank! Well done, Nat, you're an instinctive social worker.
Really? No.
Right, where's the boss lady? I'm calling an emergency strat meeting.
Nitin, get the paperwork going.
Court order.
No, you do it, cos I've got the baby.
Let Nat have the baby.
No, cos he likes me.
Actually, yeah, you're all right.
I think he needs a nappy change.
NOSE-BLOWING Please, Alastair, I can't hear myself think.
Lemony beverage, Al? Oh, thanks.
You're a life-saver, Martin.
Could I have a quadruple shot latte, please? Actually, erm, Natalie, you can sort the coffees for today, can't you, dear? You sit down.
Erm, OK.
What about my minutes? Some might say that no minutes are better than your minutes, Nat.
Oh, thanks, Al.
I'm happy to take the minutes.
Right, emergency measures - we have an abandoned baby on the premises.
SHE WHIMPERS Fine.
It's probably a young mum who can't cope and has decided to leave it here to be cared for.
It could just be a mum's what they call nappy brain who's forgotten she's got a baby.
It's quite common, I think, because of sleep deprivation.
Well, I don't subscribe to that theory.
I managed.
Well, I didn't.
I drove once with the baby in the car seat on the roof of the car.
Was it OK? No, it fell off into the path of a school bus.
Oh, God, how awful! Sorry, Rose.
Nat, it's a joke.
Did you honestly think I'd still be a social worker if I'd done that? ALL: Yes.
Can we please get back to dealing with the baby issue? Paediatrician's report? INGRID WHIMPERS Ingrid, you all right? Well, it's just that the constant mention of babies and children is I'm finding a bit challenging.
You picked the wrong job, love.
Bit insensitive.
She's just had all her gear whipped out.
Nat! I'm fine.
Ingrid, you're clearly not fine.
What did HR say? Well, no, they did recommend that I take further time off, but I was absolutely adamant because you need me here, so if I could just get a couple of physical needs met, then I will be fine.
Such as? AL: Here we go.
A robotic back support and, erm, if I could have nobody working to my left because that's not good, so Why don't you just go home and I will talk to HR? Alastair, you'll have to stay late to wrap up her caseload.
What?! Al, let me know if I can be of any assistance.
She's already got a memory foam cushion, a green screen, a special bit of floor, she won't go on a client visit that's more than 20 minutes from a lavatorial facility Well, none of that is her fault, Alastair.
However, I am going to extend her sick leave because I literally cannot cope with her face.
Could I be excused too? No, Alastair, sit down.
I've got some aspirin in my bag.
Bloody bag of broken dreams.
Yeah, she is, isn't she? So, how are you actually following up? We're checking with the hospitals to see if they can help, any young mothers acting weird and mental.
Well, that'd be most young mothers, then.
Well, let's keep on it and, Alastair, while you're here, take us through where you are on housing those children from Syria.
No-one's contacted us yet.
It's like this baby landed from another planet.
Like an alien.
Or like baby Jesus! Or like neither! So, let's just Baby's got to sleep.
One message from Caitlin asking me to bring fleeces and sun cream because the weather is changeable, and a further nine messages saying she will chuck me if I'm not at the station.
Al, come with me.
Come on.
# Al got sickee, didn't he? Cos he wants to get of workee! Oh, my God! So, Martin, I've been drowning in a sea of financial constraints and administrative sewage, so I've been less than efficient in scrutinising the updates from your GP.
Well, I was wondering why things weren't moving along as quickly as I thought they would with my return to work.
But it has to be said that the interim period of popping in and just observing and being there for everyone has been very helpful.
In fact, I could say it's made me well again.
All this time, it's been staring me in the face.
URGENT KNOCKING Hello.
Someone quick.
One second.
Hello! Oi, you! Please! Please! This is more urgent.
OK, OK.
It's important.
OK.
We need urgent help, please, my wife left her baby somewhere.
Our baby.
That's what I said.
No, you just said it was my baby.
You're the one who left the child and you want to argue about who's more observant? I know, it's fucking awful, OK? Shh, all right! It's dreadful, Zak! What if we never get him back? What if something's happened to him? You know, I literally do not have time for this.
Please, the supermarket told us to come here.
Can you just tell us if you have any idea where our baby is? Listen, pal, I'll tell you I'll explain something to you right now, OK? If you do not help us to find our baby, I'm going to get on the phone to a very important human rights lawyer who just happens to be Don't, for fuck's sake! .
.
a close personal Zak, just stop Well, how are you helping? .
.
stupid! Right, I'm calling.
He's ignored me, that's it.
No! That's it.
Look, the most important thing is our fucking baby.
And this will get him back.
I just have to be positive.
I can't deal with this.
Oh, my God! HE GROANS Oh, now, that really is very good.
Yes, even I would believe you're genuinely ill.
I'm bloody ill.
It's the memory of last night's sushi combined with the toxic fridge box.
Perhaps it's a judgment on you for trying to bunk off early.
Could you call Caitlin for me? Ask her to come and collect me, please.
'Hello, this is Caitlin.
' It's gone to message.
'Leave a message and speak clearly.
' Oh, dear.
Caitlin sounds a bit stern.
The way she said "speak clearly" is enough to make you stammer.
Sophie is exhausted but the Mumsnet community pressured her into breast-feeding, which I didn't think was Are you going to take our baby away from us or not? They can't do that.
No, I'm not.
But please do try to be a little bit more vigilant in the future.
Yes, I will, I will.
Yeah.
And, Sophie, get some sleep.
Thank you.
Is that it? We're just going to let them go? That man isn't fit to be a parent.
I should have initiated Section 47.
MCWD.
What? Middle class, well dressed.
Generally considered to be less of a risk.
We tend to let them go with a mild ticking off.
Is that a policy? More of an unspoken ethic.
You'll learn.
Although, fuck me, I'd rather bring kids up with Lee than that fuck-stick.
Right, everyone, stop working.
Quiet, please.
Quiet, please! Yes, all right, Nitin, I don't need your help.
OK, in view of my recent observations, I am going to make some departmental changes.
This is it, people, it's judgment day.
GROANS AND MURMURS For heaven's sake, it's like being a teacher again! Shh! Quiet! SILENCE This department is a mess.
People are slap dash, reports sloppy, communications unclear, you're late, generally underperforming.
So, in light of Ingrid's recent departure, I have decided to have a reshuffle and put someone permanently in charge.
KNOCKING Who's that? Oh, dear, I think that's Caitlin.
This is exactly the lack of professionalism I'm talking about.
Where's Al? ALL: Through there.
Are you taking the piss? ALL: No.
So, in the past three months, we have had Rose, who right under my nose has been trying to look after her poor mother in work time.
Don't think I haven't noticed, Rose.
Well, in my defence, I was just trying to do a good thing for someone that I love.
Aren't we supposed to be looking after people? It's not like I was skiving off to the bookie's.
You don't think I realise we're here to look after people? You think I'm standing here bleating about standards and outcomes because I'm Alan Sugar with tits? You're in the front line, I get that, and what you're dealing with is horrendous.
But I have to deal with 1,000 George Osborne clones who seem to get a sexual kick out of telling me that there's no money, just an extra helping of tough shit, and all the logistics and admin makes me forget about all the families out there who we're supposed to be helping but in fact we're failing day in, day out because the people above me have all the conscience of Hitler's lost bollock! DOOR SLAMS ALL: Bye! Piss off! In terms of promotion, I have decided to pass over Nitin, and you, Rose, and Alastair, and I am going to promote Martin.
Who better than someone who has really got to know the foibles of the workforce over the last few months? Who has a font of goodness and optimism, which I pray will protect you and buffer you from the stresses of the job, at least for the first six weeks.
So Congratulations, Martin! Everyone, have a good weekend.
I'm off to get drunk.
CHEERING PHONE RINGS Lee? Mum's been admitted to hospital - she's got a urinary tract infection.
Yes! Right.
Well, I know it's not life-threatening, but why so pleased? Weekend off, Lee's having the kids, I can have a lie-down.
Result.
Oh, sorry, how are you? Shit.
Caitlin's gone to France without me.
And Denise has promoted Martin.
Yeah, could have been worse.
Could have been Nitin.
Ah, come on, Al, tidy your desk, will you? Then you can go home.
And, Rose, I will see you 9am sharp on Monday morning and I will not look kindly on latecomers.
Ha-ha-ha! Actually, I mean that.
Oh.
Ooh That's better.
I'm not tidying my desk.
SHE KNOCKS Oh, hello.
Al Oh.
Rose? Meet Amira, Ayana, Reema and Fareed.
Welcome.
It's only for a few days - I could do with the company.
Oh, poor old you.
Anyway, I'm the bearer of good news.
Denise has had a stroke.
Martin is marrying Ingrid.
Lee's been castrated.
There's been an incident in the Tunnel and Eurostar is going to be stranded all night.
THEY CHEER # People, they ain't no good # I think that's well understood People just ain't no good.
That stops today.
Seven, six five Close down another 50 cases or else.
.
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four three Denise, I can't Tardiness will not be tolerated.
.
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two My code isn't working so I can't open the door.
.
.
one.
Time's up.
Both of you, that's a disciplinary.
Look, Denise, I was there with 11 seconds to spare, I don't know if you saw me.
But code's not working, so could you let me off once? Nope.
Don't take it, Nit, she won't respect you.
Just think of her as an unforgiving lover.
God Right, I'm reviewing everyone's caseload.
I need updates with a view to closing the case on the Hortons NAI, the 45-day assessment period is up.
The Millwoods foster kid who keyed every car in his road, has he been reallocated? And where is the background check on Jerry Donagh? Oh, I've done that, I've done that.
Erm, yes, he's changed his name, but he's definitely the same children's entertainer who called that four-year-old a cunt.
No-one leaves before 6pm.
There will be a headcount at the end of the day.
Questions.
Oh, yes, erm Ingrid, welcome back.
I trust you've made a full recovery.
Well, yes, but I think I may have just ruptured my stitches, so I'm, um Natalie, make Ingrid a cup of tea, would you, please? No, I should just get straight to HR.
I think it's It's, erm, it's not good.
Everyone else, work.
You've got until six o'clock.
Oh, shit.
Why is she bringing the hammer down today? I was planning to get away at lunchtime and get the Eurostar with Caitlin.
Look, we'll have to revert to those sort of primary school tactics, you know, where you splash your forehead with hot water and then you've got a temperature.
Still, I bet she's got a thermometer.
Yeah, an anal one, like some sort of medieval torture spike.
Hey, speaking of medieval, how's Lee? Well, rather unexpectedly, he's agreed to take my mum to the GP today.
She's a bit out of control at home and I can't really cope.
Oh, I think that's very nice of him.
It's not like Audrey's HIS mum.
Don't say positive things about him, I forbid it.
So, Denise wants to see us all at the end of the day.
I just hope I haven't screwed it up because I really smelt a promotion there.
Al And I can smell your aftershave.
Jesus, what is it? Fly spray? Answer your bloody phone, Al! It's not bloody ringing, Nat.
Oh, shit, sorry.
PHONE RINGS Hello? Al Kavanagh speaking.
'This is about a baby in Superbrands.
' Oh, right.
Is it the same baby that was on top of a bus shelter last September? 'Yeah, that's right.
' Now it's in the crisp section of Superbrands.
I've got an actual job to do, please don't waste my time.
Cheerio.
There's been a baby left in a supermarket, are you seriously not going to do anything? Nat, it's so obviously a prank call.
You just get a feel for which ones are genuine.
We get loads of calls about that baby.
It's been so many places - it's been in the floral display at the roundabout, up a tree in the park, and it was in the changing rooms at the swimming pool.
Maybe that's where we could house some of my Syrian family.
Those poor Ghorani kids, haven't you got them anywhere yet? Al, on that note, the one that says he's 12, he's actually 5'10" with a moustache.
As he's an orphaned refugee, Nitin, he doesn't have any paperwork, so we kind of have to take his word for it.
Anyway, it's bum fluff.
Well, as long as you're sure about the baby.
It sounded real to me.
What sounded real? The call about the abandoned baby in Superbrands.
Denise, it's so obviously a prank.
Just get down there.
Why don't I ring first? Cos Al's quite poorly, actually, and if he gets iller I can cover for him.
No, Al looks perfectly all right.
I can't risk you being stuck in a queue for half an hour while someone steals an infant.
Take Nitin with you, and if there is a baby, I'll alert the police.
Get your coat, Nitin, we're going baby hunting in Superbrands.
'Mate, I was expecting that safe-dialling report 'five weeks ago.
' Thanks for trying to get my back.
Want some coffee? No, ta.
Despite the fact I've got 29 more important things to do, I've got to go baby hunting with Nitin, so I thought I'd take a packed lunch.
Although, to be perfectly honest, there's nothing in here that would encourage someone that didn't want to get salmonella.
Lunch? It's quarter past nine.
Elevenses, then.
Got to keep my strength up.
How are you feeling? Hmm? How are you feeling? LOUDLY: Oh, erm, I'm a bit ill and I've got a terrible headache.
Oh, dear, sounds like someone's suffering.
LOUDER: Poor you, Al.
(Wanting to get away for the weekend, are you?) Well, the walls have got very big ears, you know.
Yeah.
Bit like me, Al.
Poor old Martin.
You know, I can't stand it that Denise has let that thing go on so long.
I can't stand Denise.
Anyway, where are you taking Caitlin? Paris.
Oh! Lee and I went to Lille because it was nearer and it was cheaper.
Actually, fuck all that.
Got pissed, had a row, came home.
Look, why can't you just ask Denise as a favour to let you off a bit early? Because you have to be seeing the white light at the tunnel's end before she'll even consider it.
Do you know, recently she's gone from benevolent dictator to Kim Jong-un.
Which one's that? Looks like Michael McIntyre.
Oh.
What if Denise says no? I've got nowhere to go, then, have I? I can't say, "Oh, it seems your refusal "has brought on a vicious migraine.
" PHONE BLEEPS Shit, it's the crisis centre.
God, if I don't sort out something with those Syrian kids I'm going nowhere.
Wonder if Denise has got a spare room.
No, I think that's been turned into an S&M dungeon for the local councillors.
Rose! What? You told me to put my coat on 20 minutes ago.
That's because I like to see a man shin-deep in nylon.
All right, listen, I'm coming baby hunting, OK? Hang on.
DOOR BLEEPS Come on, then, let's go.
What's the code? I'll do it.
DOOR BLEEPS That was the same as before so what's happened? Come on, come on! HE MUTTERS Hello, can I help? Yeah, just here to see Denise Donnelly.
Your name, please.
It's Daisy Ronson.
Take a seat, I'll check she's free.
Look, I've got to get a few bits and pieces.
Don't grass me up to Denise.
It's very inappropriate, Rose.
You shouldn't be wandering off to other areas of the supermarket, we've got to stick to the aisle where the abandoned baby is.
The imaginary abandoned baby, you mean.
If I go to that aisle, all I can get is a bumper variety pack of Walkers crisps for the kids' tea.
No change there, then.
Was that a joke, Nitin? I prefer to think of it as bants.
Take it easy, you don't want to shoot your load too early on in the day.
So, how would you feel about being on the sex offenders' register? Please, no! You, a professional employed in good faith by the local authority, appear to be in some sort of relationship with a pupil - my son.
I mean, if this is true, it's a gross dereliction of your duty and an indictable offence.
But in fairness to you, I'm giving you the opportunity to explain yourself before I put in motion a series of events which will most certainly ruin your career, quite possibly your life.
So the floor is yours.
We exchanged some text messages and met once outside school.
I swear to you I didn't sleep with him.
Please, you've got to believe me! I've been in social work for 30 years, I don't believe anyone.
I'm telling the truth! I know I've been monumentally stupid, but please, please give me a chance.
Consider yourself lucky, Miss Ronson.
On this occasion, I will not inform the police.
But if you ever go near my son again, I will see you in prison.
Get out.
Wait! Give me your phone.
"Dear Daniel, "I have been diagnosed with genital herpes.
Daisy.
" Send.
That is an abuse of trust and power.
Well, that makes two of us, then.
You know what? I think he just needed an adult in his life who would listen to him.
Rose, I just wanted to say that if I do get a promotion, I don't want it to affect our friendship.
You're not getting a promotion and we're not friends.
Yes, Caitlin.
A cringing, pathetic, boot-licking toady.
That's a very accurate description on occasion.
'Yes, it is.
' But then again, you don't have to ask your boss's permission to go on a mini-break, do you? So 'No, it's just' I'll be there.
'OK now.
' OK? PHONE BLEEPS Come.
HE COUGHS You wanted to see me.
Yes, Alastair.
I didn't want to put this into an e-mail for various reasons HE SHIVERS It's not that cold in here, is it? Perhaps you should wear a vest.
I'm sick.
I'm ill.
My glands are all up.
I used to be St John Ambulance, you know.
Oh.
HE SPLUTTERS Um, you're not hot.
Look, give it a couple of hours.
If you're no better I'll shoot off home to bed.
.
.
take an aspirin.
The reason I called you in was to mention the incident at Glenway School.
The suspected child abuse.
Well, yeah, I wouldn't go that far, but anyway, it's dealt with.
But what exactly? I'm not opening it to the floor for questions, OK? Do I make myself clear? Right, well, while we're sharing confidences, perhaps I should make MYSELF clear and tell you that most of us are aware of the GP letter about a certain colleague that you mislaid and we are hoping that you will act on its contents.
Cheerio.
HE COUGHS Cornflour, cornflour.
That's where I'm pointing.
Look, hey, Lee, hang on, you're breaking up, you're breaking up.
Rose, do you think maybe you're forgetting something? I don't know, like what? Chocolate, Nobby's Nuts? No, it's one word, it's very important.
Piss off.
That's two.
I'll go find the baby.
'.
.
E-mail, my phone' Lee, I don't really want to hear this at the moment.
I'm busy, OK? 'Rose, what are you wearing?' What am I wearing? We were together for 17 years and you choose this moment to try phone sex? It's all right, I know what you're wearing - that scarf that makes you look like Axl Rose.
What the fuck are you doing here? Where's Mum? Right, I don't want you to get angry, all right? I took Audrey to the GP but I forgot the list of questions you wanted me to ask, so when I got in there I didn't know what to say.
She's the one that's meant to have Alzheimer's, you dozy twat.
What's the fucking point of you? I'm doing the family shop! Just go back to the GP and wait there till you're seen.
More fun living in that caravan park.
Missed! Baby's not by the crisps.
Well, you could have got me some prawn cocktail.
And it's a prank baby.
There's the prank baby.
Oh, shit.
Hey.
It wasn't a prank! Well done, Nat, you're an instinctive social worker.
Really? No.
Right, where's the boss lady? I'm calling an emergency strat meeting.
Nitin, get the paperwork going.
Court order.
No, you do it, cos I've got the baby.
Let Nat have the baby.
No, cos he likes me.
Actually, yeah, you're all right.
I think he needs a nappy change.
NOSE-BLOWING Please, Alastair, I can't hear myself think.
Lemony beverage, Al? Oh, thanks.
You're a life-saver, Martin.
Could I have a quadruple shot latte, please? Actually, erm, Natalie, you can sort the coffees for today, can't you, dear? You sit down.
Erm, OK.
What about my minutes? Some might say that no minutes are better than your minutes, Nat.
Oh, thanks, Al.
I'm happy to take the minutes.
Right, emergency measures - we have an abandoned baby on the premises.
SHE WHIMPERS Fine.
It's probably a young mum who can't cope and has decided to leave it here to be cared for.
It could just be a mum's what they call nappy brain who's forgotten she's got a baby.
It's quite common, I think, because of sleep deprivation.
Well, I don't subscribe to that theory.
I managed.
Well, I didn't.
I drove once with the baby in the car seat on the roof of the car.
Was it OK? No, it fell off into the path of a school bus.
Oh, God, how awful! Sorry, Rose.
Nat, it's a joke.
Did you honestly think I'd still be a social worker if I'd done that? ALL: Yes.
Can we please get back to dealing with the baby issue? Paediatrician's report? INGRID WHIMPERS Ingrid, you all right? Well, it's just that the constant mention of babies and children is I'm finding a bit challenging.
You picked the wrong job, love.
Bit insensitive.
She's just had all her gear whipped out.
Nat! I'm fine.
Ingrid, you're clearly not fine.
What did HR say? Well, no, they did recommend that I take further time off, but I was absolutely adamant because you need me here, so if I could just get a couple of physical needs met, then I will be fine.
Such as? AL: Here we go.
A robotic back support and, erm, if I could have nobody working to my left because that's not good, so Why don't you just go home and I will talk to HR? Alastair, you'll have to stay late to wrap up her caseload.
What?! Al, let me know if I can be of any assistance.
She's already got a memory foam cushion, a green screen, a special bit of floor, she won't go on a client visit that's more than 20 minutes from a lavatorial facility Well, none of that is her fault, Alastair.
However, I am going to extend her sick leave because I literally cannot cope with her face.
Could I be excused too? No, Alastair, sit down.
I've got some aspirin in my bag.
Bloody bag of broken dreams.
Yeah, she is, isn't she? So, how are you actually following up? We're checking with the hospitals to see if they can help, any young mothers acting weird and mental.
Well, that'd be most young mothers, then.
Well, let's keep on it and, Alastair, while you're here, take us through where you are on housing those children from Syria.
No-one's contacted us yet.
It's like this baby landed from another planet.
Like an alien.
Or like baby Jesus! Or like neither! So, let's just Baby's got to sleep.
One message from Caitlin asking me to bring fleeces and sun cream because the weather is changeable, and a further nine messages saying she will chuck me if I'm not at the station.
Al, come with me.
Come on.
# Al got sickee, didn't he? Cos he wants to get of workee! Oh, my God! So, Martin, I've been drowning in a sea of financial constraints and administrative sewage, so I've been less than efficient in scrutinising the updates from your GP.
Well, I was wondering why things weren't moving along as quickly as I thought they would with my return to work.
But it has to be said that the interim period of popping in and just observing and being there for everyone has been very helpful.
In fact, I could say it's made me well again.
All this time, it's been staring me in the face.
URGENT KNOCKING Hello.
Someone quick.
One second.
Hello! Oi, you! Please! Please! This is more urgent.
OK, OK.
It's important.
OK.
We need urgent help, please, my wife left her baby somewhere.
Our baby.
That's what I said.
No, you just said it was my baby.
You're the one who left the child and you want to argue about who's more observant? I know, it's fucking awful, OK? Shh, all right! It's dreadful, Zak! What if we never get him back? What if something's happened to him? You know, I literally do not have time for this.
Please, the supermarket told us to come here.
Can you just tell us if you have any idea where our baby is? Listen, pal, I'll tell you I'll explain something to you right now, OK? If you do not help us to find our baby, I'm going to get on the phone to a very important human rights lawyer who just happens to be Don't, for fuck's sake! .
.
a close personal Zak, just stop Well, how are you helping? .
.
stupid! Right, I'm calling.
He's ignored me, that's it.
No! That's it.
Look, the most important thing is our fucking baby.
And this will get him back.
I just have to be positive.
I can't deal with this.
Oh, my God! HE GROANS Oh, now, that really is very good.
Yes, even I would believe you're genuinely ill.
I'm bloody ill.
It's the memory of last night's sushi combined with the toxic fridge box.
Perhaps it's a judgment on you for trying to bunk off early.
Could you call Caitlin for me? Ask her to come and collect me, please.
'Hello, this is Caitlin.
' It's gone to message.
'Leave a message and speak clearly.
' Oh, dear.
Caitlin sounds a bit stern.
The way she said "speak clearly" is enough to make you stammer.
Sophie is exhausted but the Mumsnet community pressured her into breast-feeding, which I didn't think was Are you going to take our baby away from us or not? They can't do that.
No, I'm not.
But please do try to be a little bit more vigilant in the future.
Yes, I will, I will.
Yeah.
And, Sophie, get some sleep.
Thank you.
Is that it? We're just going to let them go? That man isn't fit to be a parent.
I should have initiated Section 47.
MCWD.
What? Middle class, well dressed.
Generally considered to be less of a risk.
We tend to let them go with a mild ticking off.
Is that a policy? More of an unspoken ethic.
You'll learn.
Although, fuck me, I'd rather bring kids up with Lee than that fuck-stick.
Right, everyone, stop working.
Quiet, please.
Quiet, please! Yes, all right, Nitin, I don't need your help.
OK, in view of my recent observations, I am going to make some departmental changes.
This is it, people, it's judgment day.
GROANS AND MURMURS For heaven's sake, it's like being a teacher again! Shh! Quiet! SILENCE This department is a mess.
People are slap dash, reports sloppy, communications unclear, you're late, generally underperforming.
So, in light of Ingrid's recent departure, I have decided to have a reshuffle and put someone permanently in charge.
KNOCKING Who's that? Oh, dear, I think that's Caitlin.
This is exactly the lack of professionalism I'm talking about.
Where's Al? ALL: Through there.
Are you taking the piss? ALL: No.
So, in the past three months, we have had Rose, who right under my nose has been trying to look after her poor mother in work time.
Don't think I haven't noticed, Rose.
Well, in my defence, I was just trying to do a good thing for someone that I love.
Aren't we supposed to be looking after people? It's not like I was skiving off to the bookie's.
You don't think I realise we're here to look after people? You think I'm standing here bleating about standards and outcomes because I'm Alan Sugar with tits? You're in the front line, I get that, and what you're dealing with is horrendous.
But I have to deal with 1,000 George Osborne clones who seem to get a sexual kick out of telling me that there's no money, just an extra helping of tough shit, and all the logistics and admin makes me forget about all the families out there who we're supposed to be helping but in fact we're failing day in, day out because the people above me have all the conscience of Hitler's lost bollock! DOOR SLAMS ALL: Bye! Piss off! In terms of promotion, I have decided to pass over Nitin, and you, Rose, and Alastair, and I am going to promote Martin.
Who better than someone who has really got to know the foibles of the workforce over the last few months? Who has a font of goodness and optimism, which I pray will protect you and buffer you from the stresses of the job, at least for the first six weeks.
So Congratulations, Martin! Everyone, have a good weekend.
I'm off to get drunk.
CHEERING PHONE RINGS Lee? Mum's been admitted to hospital - she's got a urinary tract infection.
Yes! Right.
Well, I know it's not life-threatening, but why so pleased? Weekend off, Lee's having the kids, I can have a lie-down.
Result.
Oh, sorry, how are you? Shit.
Caitlin's gone to France without me.
And Denise has promoted Martin.
Yeah, could have been worse.
Could have been Nitin.
Ah, come on, Al, tidy your desk, will you? Then you can go home.
And, Rose, I will see you 9am sharp on Monday morning and I will not look kindly on latecomers.
Ha-ha-ha! Actually, I mean that.
Oh.
Ooh That's better.
I'm not tidying my desk.
SHE KNOCKS Oh, hello.
Al Oh.
Rose? Meet Amira, Ayana, Reema and Fareed.
Welcome.
It's only for a few days - I could do with the company.
Oh, poor old you.
Anyway, I'm the bearer of good news.
Denise has had a stroke.
Martin is marrying Ingrid.
Lee's been castrated.
There's been an incident in the Tunnel and Eurostar is going to be stranded all night.
THEY CHEER # People, they ain't no good # I think that's well understood People just ain't no good.