DAVE (2020) s01e06 Episode Script

1
You should play the drums.
I feel like no one knows.
On that musty-ass kit?
Dude, I'm too good for this talent show.
Foo
- Foo
- Tuna,
you need to stop lying.
- There was candy.
- Why would I lie about that?
If there was candy in my
pubes, that would be awesome.
So your bush is just green
and looks like Pop Rocks?
You just saw a straight bush.
Hey, he's just mad 'cause he's got
the smallest dick in the bunk.
No, I don't.
We haven't even seen everyone's anyways.
Well, considering Burd
showers with a bathing suit on,
my money's on him.
I feel like dropping a Burd Bomb.
- Oh, no way.
- Okay.
- You guys want one?
- Yeah.
Make this the funniest
shit I've ever saw.
What did the Chinese restaurant owner do
on Christmas Day, when he knew
every single Jew would
be coming in for his foo?
What?
He got ahead of it.
You got something you got
something on your glasses.
- Is that a booger I see?
- You got a little
Oh, my God, the
anticipation. Please, please,
- please, please
- Company chicken
and company noodles for my little boy.
Mmm! This looks like
a very strong batch.
Thanks, sweet'ums.
Why do y'all call it company chicken?
Uh, it's what I made
whenever company came over.
Elliot was company quite often.
Oh, that's so cute, Elliot.
Burn in hell.
Oh, David, I used more of the gift card.
I love that spa,
and I think of you
every time I get facials.
Y'all got any more of these crackers?
Oh, you like the matzah?
Like the cheese? This
mozzarella and cheese crackers?
- No, that's unleavened bread.
- Bad bite. Ow. Sorry.
- Bad bite.
- So, uh, Gator,
is this your first time in Philadelphia?
Nah, I been here a few
times, like, you know,
when my boy used to open up for Tyga.
- Uh-huh.
- Gator, Tiger.
Who's next, Armadillo?
G-A-T-A, you know, it stands
for Going Against the Average.
You know what I mean? I'm
trying to be way above average.
I love that.
It's an acronym, it's not reptilian.
- Oh.
- Wait, speaking of reptiles,
what ever happened to Lenny and Lenny?
They died years ago. We had two turtles,
but we couldn't tell them
apart, so Lenny, Lenny.
Actually, they drowned
in their own "feshus".
Yeah. It was an allergic
reaction to the bacteria
It's-it's feces, Don.
That's what I said, feshus.
No. F
- I just
- Feces.
That's what I said "feshus".
- Don-Don, are you saying "feshus"?
- "Feshus". Yes.
Fesh Yeah, that's right.
That's right. Feshus.
- Th-Thank you, Michael.
- Feshus?
It's feces.
All right, I feel like
I'm being punk'd right now.
- Okay, Michael, Michael
- Feshus, yeah, feshus. Mm-hmm?
Um, how are ticket sales being handled
for Dave's concert?
They're What are you
I don't What do you mean?
- What does that What do you mean?
- Well, I mean, how
Hey, honey, they just got in, you know?
You don't have to ask
every question right now.
- Okay.
- He has a lot to do.
Fine. Perfect. So, I don't want
to take up your time tomorrow.
She's farshtunken. What-what can I say?
I get it. We're all
excited. No, I know, we're
- Oh, there's a list.
- Okay, hang on.
- Okay.
- What is that?
So, I have some questions.
Uh, is it assigned seating?
Oh, God, is there seating
or-or is this like a mash pit?
Because we have invited friends
They can't stand.
- Speaking of friends
- Yeah.
You got to get all of my camp
friends on the backstage list.
Not just G.A. I need
all my early adopters
- right there with me.
- Bro, why?
What do you mean, why?
Oh, can we take photos
or videos during the show?
Yeah. I mean, yeah,
if you have your phone on you,
- you certainly can.
- Oh, wait.
This is a good Well, I'm
not gonna ask this. Don
- How long is this list?
- This is
- Don has a question.
- Thank you, thank you.
- That's your question.
- Mike, Mike, will there
will there be any situations
that involve tipping?
Because maybe we need
to bring some small bills.
I don't think there's a
lot of tipping that goes on
at concerts, but that being said,
I just have cash as just like a kind of
- a-a rule of thumb.
- That's very good.
- David please.
- Yeah, just in case.
At the table, bro? Come on, man.
And, Gota, Gata, Gota
Yeah. My name is
Davionte, if that's easier,
but you could just call me Gata.
Okay. Gata,
- what do you do?
- I'm the hype man.
I remember all your
son's songs front to back,
you know what I mean? Make
sure he doesn't miss a beat.
Every other word, I'm there.
Hype! You know what I'm saying?
- Oh, wow.
- Know what I mean?
- Get the crowd all hyped.
- Yeah.
Left, right, hands in the air,
like you don't care type shit.
Oops. I didn't mean to cuss like that.
You can curse in this house.
Wait, we can curse in this house now?
Well, you're not ten.
Nigga, what the fuck?
Okay.
Welcome to the basement, Mr. Gata.
Damn, the basement, bro? Come on, man.
I know y'all got an attic,
bro. Put me at the top, bro.
This shit sounds like it's about to be
dusty and crusty down here.
- Damn! This shit is hard as hell, bro.
- Mm-hmm.
Look at the decor, you
got it laid out for a peep.
Best room in the whole house.
So many memories down here.
So many memories. I see, bro.
What's up with all the
overnight camp stuff, though?
Did you lose your
virginity there or what?
Uh, no, far from it.
I actually never even
kissed a girl there.
- Man.
- But it was, like, very
It's probably my favorite
part of life, to be honest.
Like, that's where I really felt
like a star for the first time
and developed as a performer.
Like, there was this one
talent show in particular
where I was not supposed
to go onstage at all,
and the whole camp just started chanting
"We want Burd, we want Burd",
because I was so funny,
and everyone knew it.
And I went onstage with, like,
no idea what I was going to do,
and I killed it.
And I feel like from that point on,
I just knew that I was
destined to be, like, a star.
Look at us now. You in your hometown.
We got to turn the fuck up, my nigga.
I got the hookup at a club, baby.
We got to go out and T up.
To Out to the clu
I don't know. How do you
know someone in Philadelphia?
You've been here for, like, two hours.
The dude at the airport,
man. He said, "Yo, come,
bring LD, bitches, bottles, table".
I got a lot on my mind.
Let's take it one day at a time.
- All right. Bet.
- Are you good?
Do you have everything you need?
- I'm a player, bro.
- What's that you're doing with your hands?
Just makes me fall asleep faster.
- I'm good, bro.
- Okay.
Previously on Tucking Gata In
Ah, I'm cool, bro.
All right, last week, Gata
didn't want to get tucked in.
- You tucking a grown-ass man in, bro.
- That's right.
Standard tucking, no big deal.
Just getting the legs
right. Everything good.
You know house rules. Are you, uh, good?
- You're poofed, everything's
- Man, I'm good.
All right, and one kiss
on the cheek and I am out of here.
Ah, I'm cool on all
that funny shit, bro.
Just one kiss and I'm gone. Come.
Nah, player. You know I ain't
rocking like that. I'm good.
- Play on, player.
- All right, bro.
- See you in the a.m.
- You, too, bro.
- I love you, dude.
- Man, I love me, too.
Good night.
Hey, Care Bear, did you guys
change the WiFi password?
Because I can't connect,
and I have to download
this huge video file for Dave's set.
Yeah, it's out. We
need someone to fix it.
- Jesus Christ.
- What?
Well, I can't believe him.
Well, I mean, a man
should wash his own car.
Those things are so expensive
- for no re
- Michael, that's not his car.
His is in the garage.
He's washing the wrong car.
Oh, my God. That's
I mean, that's embarrassing.
Oh, my Look at that.
He's getting in the
wheels. What should we
- Do you want me to tell him? I can go stop him.
- No.
Let him waste his fucking time.
He's making somebody happy.
Jesus Christ.
- Michael.
- Yeah.
Where where did we leave off?
Nineteen.
How do we prevent people
from being scalped for Dave's tickets?
I promise you
nobody is gonna get
scalped for Dave's tickets.
- Good. That's great.
- Okay? Mm-hmm.
Will-will other rapper
artists' parents be there?
And if so, do you know their names?
Uh, yeah. Actually, yes, Meek
Mill's parents will be there.
- Meek Mill's?
- Mm-hmm.
Uh, it's Bob and Sharon Mill.
- Bob and Sharon?
- Bob and Sharon Mill. Yeah, very nice.
All right. Uh What is HubStub?
Walk in the club with a cape ♪
Yo, Philly, how y'all feeling?
Oh, man, I fucking hate this.
Tour manager's got to be with
the artist. You got to be here.
- I'm gonna do work.
- Work?
- Huh?
- You're gonna work in here?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh!
Hi. Cool.
Thank you. You don't have to
keep We don't have to
You're good. You can just put it down.
Hey, you look like a
rapper right now, low-key.
You don't need to keep dancing.
It's fine. Thank you, though.
This is their job.
They're really gonna
just keep doing this.
- Burd!
- Tuna!
The bunk! The whole camp
is here. Yeah, come in.
Wha
Ah, man.
- Goddamn.
- Hey! Good to see you.
- Looking good, as always.
- Hey, get drinks, get drinks.
Get in here. Elz, Elz, shift.
Bro, there's no fucking space.
- Just shift.
- Do you think we can fit more guys in here?
I can't hear you.
Hey, you guys want drinks?
Camp Lebec.
One roof. We're back, baby.
The bunk is back together.
Came a long way from
a motherfucking O.Z. ♪
Hyphy women here talk to the police ♪
Try and move fast,
your shit got it slowly ♪
I tell her don't start,
B, don't go at me ♪
Ain't never back down
or ran from no beef ♪
Nigga, I'm the teacher, how
the hell you gonna coach me? ♪
Tell me what you'd do if
I tossed you a ho piece ♪
Distract that bitch, we
don't need no bouncer ♪
Walk in the club and
stand on the couches ♪
You keep on dissing
that fanny pack ♪
I'm very drunk.
- I got to move you to another section.
- What?
I have to move you to another section.
- Why?
- Lil Uzi's coming in.
Okay, where? Where do you want us to go?
All right.
Nah, fuck that, bro. We
ain't going nowhere, my nigga.
We staying right here, bro.
You supposed to be watching our back.
Why you got to move us now
when we got comped for bottles
- and shit?
- I ain't even want to talk, man.
We either move now or I'll
pick you up and move you.
You ain't about to pick nobody up.
Where your fucking owner at?
Where the manager at, bro?
It don't matter where
he's at. I'm doing my job.
Don't be speaking to me
like that, bro. What the fuck
- you talking about?
- I'll talk to him. It's okay,
it's okay, it's okay.
Dude, calm down. Relax.
I can't relax. Just like you said,
- I'm having fun
- Uh All right,
well, this is a business
trip. You represent me.
All my friends would
love the way I represent.
Nigga, I go hard for my homies.
Are you gonna let him bully
us up out of this section?
- It's not that big of a deal.
- It's that big to me, my nigga.
We in Philly. Nigga,
this is your first show.
- We in the club, popping bottles, bitches
- All right! All right.
- What the fuck, bro?
- Relax. Relax.
Bro, anybody else would appreciate
that I'm going this hard for them.
You acting like a pussy.
All right, we got to go
to a different section.
- Gata's super hood, huh?
- Yeah.
You're fucking white, huh?
- What?
- Yeah, I'll see you in a second.
- Okay?
- Cool.
I got the Wi-Fi password.
I could care less. I
really have to leave.
I'm so sorry, this is
the worst place on Earth.
Wait, where are they going?
Where's everyone going?
- I don't know.
- Hey, guy, where are you going?
Great.
Do you guys have outlets?
Do you have plugs?
Smokin' dope and you know ♪
I'm telling you, you've never seen it.
You've never seen a
horse fuck another thing,
like a man?
Ah
Yo, you remember when you
told me to put peanut butter
all over Horowitz's bed, and I did it
not knowing he was allergic
and he almost fucking died?
It was so cool, though.
Man, my fault, Horowitz. I
didn't mean to do it like that.
I forgot how funny you are, bro.
- Why would you do that?
- I didn't mean to.
No reason to do that.
- You are a fucking legend.
- Oh!
- Just say it again in my ear.
- Fucking legend.
- I know. I know.
- Yo. Yo.
You should do a Burd Bomb.
- Oh, yes.
- Dude, you've got to.
- You got to. You got to do it, Burd.
- Dude. Come on!
- Been 15 years.
- In here, though?
- Yes!
- Right here!
- Burd Bomb, dude. Burd Bomb.
- I think so, man.
15 years. You owe us.
- Okay.
- You own this place.
Let me get my footing.
- You still got it.
- Okay! Let me look around
and see what's going on in
the club. Let me evaluate.
- Scout everything
- Okay, come on, man.
- Burd Bomb!
- Well, fuck, all right.
You cool, man? You good?
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
- Here he goes!
- Yeah.
All right. Fuck it.
It's all you, man. All you, baby.
- All right. Three
- Two
One
He's pissing
- He's actually pissing.
- Yes.
Yeah!
You
You guys want me to come? I'll do it.
- That's okay.
- I'm sending this to everyone, dude.
- Fuck a bathroom.
- Man, you chilling, bro?
My man.
Gata, this is an $1,800 bill, man.
You better call your guy.
I never said the bottles was
free. I said the table was free.
Well, you can't mention
that after the fact, dude.
That's so shady.
You said the situation
was taken care of.
What do, what do you think that means?
Uh
What the fuck?
If it isn't the guy who pees on himself.
Oh, I pissed myself at the club.
Oh, my God, I'm still
wearing the same underwear.
That's fucking epic.
Do you have video of it?
Nah, dude, I left. I had to
get away from all those people.
- You left? Why?
- Why?
Bro, I couldn't be around
those dudes for another second.
They're such assholes.
- Who was an asshole to you?
- To me, no one.
But to you, every single person
that we went to fucking camp with.
Bro, I'm dead serious.
You think I'm joking?
Think about everything that
we've ever done and been through.
They never fucked with you.
I think you're, like, really
misremembering, like, childhood,
to be quite frank.
They literally idolized me.
- They idolized you?
- Idolized me, yeah.
I'm, like, the most
legendary camper at that camp.
You realize last night
at the club, they made you
pee your pants for their
own personal amusement.
They use you like a Jackass human, bro.
You're like Steve-O,
but in this shitty form
with no cool tattoos.
I love Steve-O.
Dawg, and the talent show?
You act like that's, like, the
root of your fucking stardom.
No, it's not. They
were making fun of you.
You weren't funny, you
were funny. You get it?
Uh, okay. I don't need a lec
- Like, what are you even talking about?
- Hey. Morning.
- Wow, Big Don.
- Hey. Hey.
You always look like a
million bucks when I see you.
- Thank you.
- Of course.
Big day.
- Hey.
- Big day. Yeah.
Don?
- Uh-huh?
- What the hell are you wearing?
You're not, you're not
wearing that to the concert.
Well, it's not just any concert,
I'm the father of the rapper.
I've laid out some clothes for you.
You laid out what?
I put clothes out on the bed
that I thought would be
- There's no way.
-
Yeah, it's true.
Your cousin did not get
fingered by bin Laden.
- Yes, she did.
- Isn't he, like, six-five?
- So?
- Yeah, whatever.
Hey, Burd, Kari's coming.
Do a Burd Bomb. Tell her
how much you love her.
For Kari?
What, you think she's gonna
like you because you're hot?
Yeah, okay, um, uh, where are the eggs?
Hey, Dave.
Are you okay?
Ooh
All right, Dicky, you got your, uh,
rider laid out right here for you.
Wow. Oh, lo mein.
Cool.
Why do you have
Lunchables on your rider?
Why wouldn't I have
Lunchables on my rider?
He-he always loved those.
Great.
Oh, w-wow. They got tuna fish.
- Yeah.
- But, oh, but there's no can opener.
Hey-hey, Mike, if-if you ask
for something like tuna fish,
do you have to put
something like a can opener
on the rider, as well? Because,
otherwise, how is he
gonna open the tuna fish?
Yeah, and, uh, I hate
to say this out loud
I'm a little embarrassed
but we're not at a level
where we would get that
kind of accommodation.
The big dogs, they get a tuna
guy. We're just not there yet.
Well, I don't know. I-I
don't think it's asking
- too much, really.
- What the hell are you guys talking about?
- Tuna.
- There's no can opener for the tuna.
Well, shit, there should be.
We could do what we do at home, which is
throw it against the
wall until one pops.
Nah, I don't want to trash the room.
You guys got catering
out the door to the right,
and you have the meet
and greet in half an hour.
- You good?
- Meet and greet. Okay,
I've never done one of
those, but should be easy.
Hey, you want me to
bring any sluts back here?
- You know?
- N-No.
All good.
All right, holler if you need me.
- Thanks, man.
- Thank you, sir.
I think we're here really early.
Don't steal them.
I'm not steal They're
here for us to take.
- To eat here.
- I'm gonna run out
to the car and get my thank
you notes and Dave's gift.
- I'll be back.
- Oh, right, right. Yeah, all right.
So, Elliot,
what made you move out to L.A.?
I mean, what's the story there?
Well, you know me, born and
raised in West Philadelphia.
- Sure.
- Spent most of my days on the playground,
you know, chilling, relaxing, cool,
shooting basketball after school.
You boys love basketball.
But then a couple of guys
who were up to no good
started making trouble all
in my neighborhood and stuff.
I got in one little eensy-weensy
fight and my mom got all scared,
so she moved me out to L.A.
with my uncle in Bel Air.
Oh, I thought you
lived in West Hollywood?
Hey.
How you guys doing? All right,
I'm here to meet and greet.
- Get in here. Yeah.
- Uh, oh, oh, okay.
- Give me a hug. How you doing?
- Okay.
- Uh, uh, can-can you sign my cast?
- Oh, yeah.
I have a Sharpie, actually,
for this very thing.
Hmm. My signature.
I haven't even figured out my sig yet.
Let me just
You know what?
I'm gonna "Command-Z"
this and start over.
That's actually my sister.
She loves you, man.
- Okay, cool.
- Yeah,
if you, like, brought her
back to your trailer,
you could do whatever
you want to her probably.
That's the weirdest
T-There's, uh, no need to even
- Hey, bro. How are you?
- Nice to meet you. Good.
- All right. Yeah?
- No lie, I've killed to your shit, bro.
- What did you say?
- I've killed to your shit.
What-what the fuck does that
mean? You've killed to my shit?
I'm a sniper in Afghanistan.
- Hey. Hi.
- Why are you guys in this line?
- What the hell are you doing?
- Well, we've met Dave,
- but we haven't met Lil Dicky.
- Here.
What is this? You
brought me a plant? Why?
- It's for good luck.
- It doesn't flower.
- Okay.
- Uh, 2-5-6, uh
- What are you I don't
- 3-5, uh
- 9
- Your cell phone number?
- Y-Yeah.
- Oh, that's of no use to me.
I'm not gonna
- reach out and
- Yeah
- Hey, not to be creepy
- Yeah?
But I think my girlfriend
would like it if you'd sign
my dick. Can you do that?
- What the fuck?
- Will you sign my dick?
Like draw even, like, a dick on my dick.
Definitely not. Dude,
there are so many
What are you doing? Pull
your fucking pants up.
- What the hell is wrong with you?
- Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Definitely not gonna sign
your dick right now. No way.
Oh. After?
If you want to stick around
after, meet me in, like,
- where the parking lot area is, uh, yeah
- That'd be awesome.
Oh, do the do this, with the-the
- Mom, really? It's a small penis.
- Yeah.
- Oh, is that what it is?
- No. No.
I'm a day one Dickhead.
I'm talking the "Banana
Cream Pudding" era.
Oh, my God, you like that
song? That song sucks.
Really? It's just like
all your shit to me, man.
It's just funny.
- Yo, Mike.
- Yo.
- What is this tweet?
- What?
"Hitting the stage
soon, gonna get litty"?
- Yeah, cool. Is that cool?
- No.
It's, like, why would
you take the liberty
to tweet before my first concert ever?
I had an entire thing
planned. You just ruined it.
Well, you'd said we
can't let social go dark.
I totally agree with that.
I would have loved to
have had the opportunity
to tweet about my concert myself.
It's my first concert. Like, I
need to do these things myself.
- Okay.
- And, like, you clearly
don't even have a grasp
of my social voice.
I would never say anything like that.
I mean, I I don't
know, I mean, we do say
some of the same stuff
sometimes, you know?
Like, I Well-well, you say "litty".
No, I never say "litty".
- Okay. I
- And if you ever
want to do something like
that, just check in with me.
- Just be more communicative. Like
- Okay.
- Yeah, I had a whole plan.
- Okay.
I will ask permission.
- Okay, thank you.
- Okay.
What is the attitude about?
I don't ha Dave, I
don't have an attitude.
You're really hot right now, so
- Where are my parents?
- I don't know where your mom is,
but your dad is roaming the
building looking for cake.
- Okay
- Yo, ho, ho!
- Yo, what up, Burd?
- What's up, dude?
- This is awesome.
- What's up?
- Man, look at this spread.
- What's up, guys?
What?
Hey, man. What's going on? Mm.
- Yeah, looks good.
- What's up? Fresh.
- Man, thank you.
- Oof.
What up, Elliot? You too
big-time to say hi to us now?
Pretty much.
- My man.
- Yo.
Rob's down at will call, says
his name's not on the list.
- Really? Mike. Mike.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Rob?
His name's not on the list or something?
- He's at will call.
- Yeah, he's not on.
- His name's not on the list? Okay.
- No.
So, can you go deal with that? Grab him?
I don't know, it's probably
faster, just go grab him.
- You want me to go get him in?
- Yeah, well, yeah. Of course.
- Like
- Dave, I have, like, a million things to do
before the show.
I haven't eaten in, like, a day.
It's like, I wouldn't ask you to do this
if it was already,
like, properly handled.
- It's part of the job. Can you just ?
- Okay. I'll-I'll go get him.
- Thanks, man.
- Yeah, no doubt, dude.
Hey, uh, you guys got any Stella here?
I don't know, man.
Like, whatever you see is what we have.
Well, can you get some?
Dude, it's his show.
He can get us whatever
we want. Come on, Dave.
You can whatever we
want. Are you kidding me?
- Look at this.
- Yeah,
Dave will do whatever you want.
Okay, I need everybody to
just leave the room right now.
Everybody leave.
- Really?
- Us?
Yeah, I need you guys
to leave. Yeah, I'm sorry.
I need sp You came
too late. I need space.
Everyone, please just go. Please go.
All right Y-You know what,
absolutely. That's right.
You guys E-Everyone, get
out. You guys got to get out.
- Let's go.
- I need you to go. You came too late.
- Like, it's too much.
- Okay, we'll handle
- Please, yeah.
- Well, hey, can I still get some Stella?
Yeah, I don't know, man.
What the fuck kind of question is that?
I was just
Guys, uh, everyone's out.
Let's go.
Can I take the snacks with me?
Hey. Thank you.
Yeah, I-I do need you
guys to go, too, though.
I just, like, need a minute to myself.
The sun will explode and
engulf the whole globe ♪
We won't even feel it ♪
Burn us. ♪
Okay.
Thank you everybody who participated.
We want Burd! We want Burd!
We want Burd! We want Burd!
We want Burd! We want
Burd! We want Burd!
All right, well,
whoever this Burd is, come on up!
We want Burd! We want
Burd! We want Burd!
- Burd is such an idiot.
- He looks so stupid.
Burd.
Hey. You got this.
This is what we do.
You seem stressed.
Let me take your mind off things.
Nothing?
Well, lucky for you, you're
just in time for the 8:15 fart.
All aboard!
Geez, tough crowd.
Playing hardball tonight, I see.
Well, how about this?
That was amazing.
- You liked it?
- Liked it? I loved it.
You put your head in a vat
of lo mein. I was so stressed
before you showed up.
I forgot you're the
funniest kid on the planet.
Would you do it one more time for me,
just to get my mind off things?
Yeah.
Hey. Kill it.