Death Valley (2011) s01e06 Episode Script

Hey, Stuby-Doo.
Tell me the truth, buddy.
You still hurt from that *** last Friday? Huh.
I'm alright.
I still got some blood in my urine.
Yeah.
I once had blood in my semen.
- Looked like a candy.
- Ugh.
- Don't tell me that.
- Well, we're on the topic.
Don't compare your semen to a Christmas candy.
It's funny you say that, cause it was around the holidays, too.
- Oh, stop it! - Hey, what's this guy doing? Looks like we got something over here.
Well, well, well, what do we got here? Ugh! Looks like it's hot enough to fry a leg on the sidewalk.
Right? I mean, not an egg but a leg.
- We get it.
- What do you guys know, anyway? How's it going today, sir? Ahh.
Hey, buddy.
Oh! Ho-ho-ho! - Oh! - Oh! This zombie smells like balls! - Ugh.
- Wow! Why do you smell like balls? That's probably not a great idea.
- Why? - 'Cause you never know if, uh-- Hey, you got a permit to be here? - Well, now we know.
- Now we know.
One year ago Vampire, werewolves, and zombies Descended upon California's San Fernando valley.
Authorities remain baffled by their origins.
Love is nasty 'cause it gets so rotten I think it's time to put this body in the ground oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh we're losing all control the buildings all turn to dust and I think it's getting closer 'cause they're coming for us Is there a lack of energy out here, or is it just my imagination? Captain, when are we gonna get the A.
C.
fixed? I will answer that question with a question.
Would you rather have air-conditioning or the streets free of crime? How are those even the two choices? I will ignore that question with a story.
As many of you may recall, last week, John-John played whack-a-mole with a senior citizen.
As a result, we are under temporary oversight by Internal Affairs.
And just because Deputy Chief Ribbings comes to us with very little real-world experience and a total lack of understanding of what we actually do here on a daily basis is no reason to treat him with disrespect.
Deputy chief Ribbings.
Okay.
Officer Johnson's recent mishap has resulted in new protocols that are to be followed by all UTF personnel.
When it comes to proper protocol, killing zombies is really no different than killing any other citizen.
I believe officer Johnson already proved that, sir.
Right, John-John? Huh? Up top.
All right.
These cards will guide you when encountering a potential undead suspect, or Pus.
They will help you to interrogate the pus, determine if he or she is indeed undead, confirm that determination, and then proceed to dispatch him.
"Excuse me, I'm a police officer, "and I have cause to believe you may have contracted the zombie virus.
" Well, that's moronic.
I'll get myself killed if I do that.
And these on-ear look-see video cameras you'll be wearing, which are also neatly placed on your desks, will allow us to see how you got killed and how we can prevent similar deaths in the future.
Any questions? Okay, people, I don't like having Deputy Chief Ribbings here any more than you do.
But Johnson, Rinaldi, since you're the ones that took a dookie in this particular bed, you'll be the ones to cart this gentleman around for the day.
The rest of you stay hydrated, it is 112 degrees in the shade.
If I hear about one of you dying, it damn well better be from a zombie, vampire, or werewolf and not sunstroke.
Is that understood? - Uh, captain? - SPF 50, Stubeck.
You're not getting a sunburn today, not on my watch.
Anyway, let's get out there and kill something! Billy.
Billy.
- You sure the A.
C.
's working? - Yes, the A.
C.
is working.
We just got in the car, give it a few minutes.
Whatever.
I'm not waiting.
- Ahh! - Stop it.
Put that back on! - Why? - Department policy.
Yeah? And my policy is to take my shirt off when it's hot as balls out.
Why are you always comparing things to balls? 'Cause balls are hot, and they smell bad.
Anyway, today it's all wife-beater all the time.
Don't call them that.
I have a wife whom I respect.
- What do call them, then? - White, ribbed tank tops.
That's what they're called.
- Read the package.
- Read my package.
No, I can't read your package.
There's no letters on it.
You know what, man? It's gross outside today, all right? Can you at least try and have some fun? Can we please just have some fun today? I'm nothing but fun.
Check this out.
How are people even gonna know you're on the job without your uniform on? - That's how.
- Ooh.
That's pretty sweet.
- Right there.
- Where'd you get it? Got it at some place in Van Nuys.
You know, with every tattoo, they were giving away a free genital piercing? What? I didn't even want a genital piercing, but at those prices, I'm not gonna say no.
Oh! Attention, all units, corner of Victory and Alameda.
Hey.
Somebody fun wouldn't answer that.
Don't get it! This is Stubeck and Pierce.
We're on it.
No fun.
God, it is like a sauna in here.
Aren't you hot as hell, Carla? Not taking my top off, John-John.
Damn.
You know, officer Johnson, you're awfully smug for a guy who just killed a man in the prime of his life.
He was 82.
And he still ran a mile three days a week-- or walked a mile, but at that age, there's almost no difference.
Possible 188 in progress at the Mel-o-Dee Nursery-- This is Rinaldi.
We're on it.
- Here we go.
- How do I look? - Oh, kind of like a douche.
- Thanks.
So your niece is going to another one of those parties later, and unless you need me around here, I was thinking maybe I'd check up on her again and make sure she's not getting into any trouble? That sounds great, Kirsten.
Awesome, I was just-- Hey, you said my name right.
What's that? Nothing.
All right, let's go.
- Damn, it is hot as hell.
- I know, right? Now, remember, when you see a pus, you're gonna want to take-- Look, I know you went through a lot of trouble with these cards, like laminating them and everything, - but this is a dumb idea.
- Yeah, seriously, man.
Somebody gonna get hurt this way, brah.
Well, people were getting killed your way, brah.
So let's give this a shot, shall we? Okay, who's taking point? Wait, you're not coming with us, are you? You bet your ass I am.
- Jesus [bleep.]
.
- Right.
Excuse me.
I am a police officer, and I-- Of course, it's-- it's probably time for me to check in with the home office.
Yep.
I'll let that one go, but from now on Protocol.
- Pro-- - Protocol.
- Yeah, that's right.
- Yeah.
Proto--protocol.
No, thank you.
I said, no, gracias-- Hey, sucks to be that guy today, huh? Billy, it's never fun to be that guy.
After we take care of this, we should go buy some oranges from him.
Yeah, that's a great idea, if you want to get the sewer poops.
Ugh! What are the sewer poops? It sounds like a horrible punk-rock band.
Please buy my orange poop pellets.
You think oranges are poop pellets? Ugh! Aah! Just to let you know, I'm not getting out of the car today.
It's brutal out here.
Just a minute.
Excuse me! I am a police officer, and I have cause to believe you may have contracted the zombie virus.
If you can understand me-- The guy's obviously contracted the zombie virus.
You're right.
Oh, fine.
I have an idea.
You don't think I can have fun? I can be fun.
What are you doing? Yeah! Bowling for zombies? Yeah! - Whoa! - Ha-ha-ho! Count it! Look at you.
You're like a whole new person.
- Oh! - Yes! That's the sickest thing I've ever heard.
Oh, man.
Right there, buddy.
Hey, Stu, looks like you left the seven pin.
Who is this new guy? I like him.
Oh, come on! The guy's like Mickey Rourke from The Wrestler.
Yeah, he keeps getting up.
No, no, I mean, the guy looks like Mickey Rourke from The Wrestler.
Get him, Stuby! Yeah, mother lover! Suck on that! You're a maniac! You're a maniac! Oh, that's awesome! Awesome! Backing her up-- I'm just gonna make sure.
Oh-ho-ho-ho! - What's going on? - Damn it.
We got Mickey Rourke stuck under our car.
Uh, wow.
What does Rico do? How does he afford something like this? I think his dad's kind of a big deal.
What, is he some, like, movie producer agent or something? No, silly.
He's a vampire.
So same thing, I guess.
Well, don't you ladies look beautiful.
- Thanks, Rico.
- Thanks for inviting us.
No problem.
It's nice to have some friends over and just hang out with my fang out, you know? You came on a special night.
- How so? - It's a turning party for Claire.
Uh, a-a turning party? - You excited, baby? - Very.
Why don't you two grab some drinks from the bar? Oh, tell Divina to give you the good vodka.
You deserve it.
Okay.
Excuse me.
I have-- Excuse me.
I'm a police officer.
And I have cause--what? And I have cause to believe that you may have contracted the zombie virus.
- John-John, shh! - Huh.
I'm trying to memorize it.
Excuse me.
I am a police officer.
And I have cause to believe that you may have-- Come on, are you serious? Hey, you're not the one who almost got indicted for murder, okay? Work with me.
If you can understand me, please indicate-- Oh,! Whoa! John-John! Go! - Oh, she got my clips! - What? My clips! Here shut the door! Shut the door! - Aah! - Hold it, hold it! I got to get to my gun.
- I got to get a clip.
- Yeah.
I think they left.
- Run? - Uh-huh.
Clip! Bust they ass! Bust they ass! Go, go, go! Come on! I got to get my weapon on.
Oh, don't ever talk like that again.
So, big night, huh? Yeah, can you believe Rico threw this whole party for me? Have you thought about it much-- - becoming a vampire? - Oh, yeah.
I think it's gonna be the best thing I've ever done.
But what if it's not? I mean, there's no going back, you know? Why would I want to go back? I'm not an idiot, okay? I wrote out a whole pro-and-con list last week-- immortality, controlling zombies, Rico.
Yeah, I mean, Rico's cute, but-- Wait, controlling zombies? Rico says they do it through some kind of mind control.
Plus, can you imagine what the sex is like? No, um, not really.
- Let's just-- - Let's take care of this.
Yeah.
Ugh.
- Ugh.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yep.
- That's it.
- Ugh.
- All right, let's go.
Uh-huh.
Hey, you know, a little help would be nice.
Jesus.
Ready? One, two Three! - Aah! - Oh-ho-ho! - Oh-ho! - Oh! - Oh, Stu! - Stop laughing! Oh, you look disgusting, man! I love it.
Yeah.
Let's go.
Ugh! Wow, I see you didn't use that waxing coupon I gave you, huh? FYI, do not go out on a full moon.
You will get locked up.
Quiet down back there, nobody makes fun of my partner but me.
Nice wife-be-- Nice white, ribbed men's tank top.
Hey, how are people gonna know we're cops, anyway? Hopefully, they won't.
I don't care how much trouble I get into.
I ain't doing that protocol bull[bleep.]
no more, ever.
Oh, thank God you're here.
- You've been bit.
- Oh, really? I was wondering why the inside of my neck was on the outside.
Look, I need you to kill me.
I tried to do it myself, but I can't.
I'm catholic.
So you've got to do it, because God knows I'm not gonna spend my last few minutes on this earth as a zombie! Okay, come on, kill me.
Kill me.
I am your commanding officer, and that is an order! You put me down this instant! You calm down.
Okay, I get it.
And I will put you down.
But first, there's a certain protocol that I must follow when coming across a, um Damn, what do you call that again, Carla? - A pus, John-John - Mm.
- Possible undead suspect.
- Right.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Excuse me.
I'm a police officer, and I have cause to believe you may have contracted the zombie virus.
Kill me, you jackass! Well, what do you think, John-John? I don't know.
It says here that we must wait I'm a pus! Kill me! Come here, Claire.
Slut.
I know, right? Actually, I've totally fantasized about being gang-fanged.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Jesus.
That wasinsane.
I know! Aren't you so psyched that you came? Come on, let's go see Claire.
I've got my eye on you.
I know your secret.
- You do? - Why? You think you're fooling anybody? On the outside, you act all sweet, innocent, but deep down inside, there's a bad girl just wanting to come out.
Huh.
I guess you do know my secret.
It's not a secret anymore, Amber.
Mindfreak.
Yeah.
You can be next.
I'm serious.
Looks like we have ourselves a werewolf to apprehend.
It's the same vamp that jumped me outside the bar.
- Let's do this.
- Let's kick some vamp ass! Freeze! She'll get her.
- She stinks! - Yeah, she's a zombie.
Whoa.
Hey.
You think those two are-- I don't want to think about it.
Jesus! Pull over!