Deli Boys (2025) s01e06 Episode Script

1
[solemn sitar music playing]
[Mir Dar] Can't believe it's been
20 days without him.
Baba's not gone.
He just changed forms,
and now he's with us
as Baba-cat.
Okay. Can you please stop
with this imaginary cat?
[Raj Dar]
Imaginary?
I've been feeding Baba-cat,
like, three times a day.
Right. He's so cute. He brought me
a lizard the other day.
-Aw.
-I know.
Mir, I don't wanna rush us,
but I have to get to work
and I have a ton
of wedding stuff to do.
Yeah, well, we all
have things to do,
and Lucky's holding
us up as usual.
I mean, who does she think
she is? Dua Lipa?
Okay, I guess
we can just start
and when Lucky gets here,
she can just hop in.
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Baba! [sobs]
Alright. Easy, buddy.
You okay, buddy?
[crying]
-Oh, that is a strong grip.
-[Raj] He's squeezing.
-[Mir] Okay.
-I'll take that.
Alright. I'm gonna let go, okay?
You gotta let me go.
[Raj] Can I? My Alright.
Thank you.
You good?
[funky upbeat music playing]
[gunshots]
[bullet shells clinking]
Hey, hey, hey. What's up, brother?
Hey. I think these are broken.
[door bells chime]
-Hey!
-Oh, gentlemen!
Wow. You two are the classiest
customers we have ever had.
Can I interest
you two fine fellows
in a three-pack
of Ferrero Rocher?
[snaps fingers] No, thanks, bruv.
We're here for some answers.
We're looking
for our dear cousin.
Perhaps you know him. Hamza?
-[Mir yells]
-[lamp shatters]
-[cleaver thuds]
-Ooh.
Honestly, I've never heard
that name before in my life.
-Uh, Hamz Ow!
-Hey!
-Did you see that? What the fuck?
-[gun cocks]
Lying's a filthy habit, Mr. Dar.
I suggest you
break it immediately,
or my brother Ifthikar here
will break every bone
in your body.
Okay? Alright.
No need for any
Brown-on-Brown violence here, guys.
We don't know
your dear cousin Hamza.
[Zubair] All the boys
in our family
are in a very active
WhatsApp chain
and a few weeks ago,
poof, not a word.
[Ifthikar]
In his last message,
Hamza mentioned making
a move for your throne.
And that if anything
happened to him,
we should come calling
about a bird named Lucky.
I-I'm sorry, I'm not following.
We've got Lucky.
-I have kids.
-[Zubair grunts]
-[Lucky yelping]
-[bone cracks]
[grunting]
Broke my fucking nose.
I understood that.
-Ow!
-[Raj] Whoa!
What the fuck, man?
[vintage Bollywood music
plays on phone]
Text me back, Brianna.
You know you want to.
[Mir] You did not want us
to see that.
[Ifthikar clears throat, scrolling phone]
I told these English pricks
Hamza is alive and well
and that you'll be able
to find him by tonight.
So just agree to those terms
and don't do anything stupid.
6:00 p.m. at the docks
with Hamza
-or she's dead.
-Okay.
And if you try anything,
I'm chopping off your cock
and shoving it up your ass.
[Mir whimpers]
-Ow!
-Hey!
-[Mir] Why me every time?
-[Raj] Oh, my God.
Goddammit! Why is
Hamza still in our lives?!
I know. Even after you,
like, killed him so, so hard.
Will you shut the fuck up?!
We both killed him. Okay?
We're in over
our goddamn heads here, Raj.
We need to think of something.
We need an adult.
No fucking way.
Those guys are the meanest
motherfucking dandies you'll ever see.
Besides, you don't
even know where she is.
And if she did kill Hamza,
as I suspect,
why should I help her?
-First of all, she didn't.
-[scoffs]
And second of all, Ahmad Uncle,
I mean, come on. Same team?
She just saved you
from Mr. Lasagna.
Seriously, Ahmad Uncle,
you're just gonna stand idly by
while they kill Lucky?
Yeah, actually. Sounds great.
Look, you guys have
been doing pretty good,
much to my surprise.
And if we keep this up,
we might actually end up
in the black soon.
You wanna jeopardize that
for some mean lady?
-Hey!
-Hey, man.
Come on. Yeah,
she might call us idiot.
-O-o-o-or babies.
-Dumbass.
Yeah, but she's the only family
that we have left,
and we're not gonna
leave her hanging like that.
-Yeah.
-Well, like Drake says,
"I don't be givin' no fucks."
[Mir] What?
Drake?
Drake?
-Oh, my God.
-What?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my
I know where she is.
-Where?
-The white rope,
plush lining,
six figure thread count.
She's at the Drake Plaza!
-Are you sure?
-Yeah.
Back in the day
in high school,
Baba used to book me
these rooms over there
for my insane parties
that I used to have.
Okay, hold on a second.
You threw parties in high school?
Yeah. For special occasions.
You know, my birthday,
Spring Equinox,
the 2012 SAG Awards,
the day
I discovered Ketamine, and
Why wasn't I ever invited?
Mir, we don't have time
for this bullshit conversation.
Okay? We gotta go.
[elevator bell rings]
[muzak playing]
I could probably scale
the outside of the building.
I was a member
at a bouldering gym for six weeks.
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
Check out the white lady
at the front desk.
[indistinct chatter]
Honestly, bro.
We gotta stop objectifying
women in public spaces.
No, no, no. Dude.
I'm saying she seems
like the type of white
that can't tell Browns apart.
Oh!
I'm picking up
what you're putting down.
Okay.
Okay. First things first.
We need to put on the face
we normally do
when we talk to white strangers
so we don't sketch them out
'cause we're Brown guys
with facial hair.
Got it.
-[muzak continues]
-[chatter continues]
Alright, I'll take the lead
'cause as you know,
I do a killer London accent.
Okay, no. Your London accent
is terrible.
I just act like it's good
so you embarrass yourself.
[in British accent] Well,
that's just bollocks, innit?
Me British accent
is spot on, matey.
Okay, you sound like a fucking pirate.
Let me handle this.
[normal]
Fine.
[Mir chuckles]
[in British accent]
Hello again, love.
-[clerk politely chuckles]
-A silly thing, really.
Stepped out for high tea
and I seem
to have misplaced
my room key. [chuckles]
No problem.
You handsome gentlemen
checked into
305 this morning, correct?
[in British accent] Any chance you've got
another room on the same floor?
Actually,
the adjacent room is open.
Shiver me timbers.
We'll take it.
Charge the card
on file there, Charlotte.
Okay. Brutal flight. Poor bloke
is absolutely knackered. [chuckles]
[chuckles] Yeah.
Thank you.
-Cheerios.
-[Charlotte chuckles]
You boys just wasting
your day in here with me
when you could be having
a proper Philly day.
Climbing the Rocky steps,
eating a cheese steak,
topping it off
with some tranq tourism.
[tense music playing]
The clock is ticking, Lucky.
And as you know,
standard bylaws demand
that we retrieve our men
or kill everyone linked
to the offending party.
It's a tradition thing, innit?
Look, I understand.
It's actually refreshing
to be held captive
by professionals.
-Cheers.
-[glasses clink]
Mm.
Could I use the restroom?
I tend to over-hydrate
when I'm being held hostage. [sighs]
Make it quick.
Did your ammi not teach you
to respect a woman's privacy?
Astaghfirullah.
Fine. But I'll be listening
very, very closely.
Did not take you as the type
to get off on bathroom noises,
but not really one
to kink shame.
[door closes]
[pensive sitar music playing]
[Lucky gasping]
Come on, Lucky.
[panting]
You've gotten through
worse than this.
[tense tone plays]
You missed a spot.
Oh, sorry about that.
[softly]
Shit breath.
That smart mouth just lost you
another week
of shower privileges.
I'm Arshad Dar
from ABC Deli.
Yep. Come on in.
Everything's unmarked
and untraceable.
-You okay, beta?
-My masi.
Don't worry about her.
Her pops flew her over
from the motherland
to pay off a debt,
so this is her job now.
Don't jobs usually involve
getting paid in America?
Fire in her,
but I'll stamp it out.
My friend could use her
in his cat house in Detroit.
She'll be all used up by age 16.
[pensive music playing]
[mocking] "I'll be listening
very closely."
[normal] Yeah, you'll listening
to the sound
of my stiletto
till it's fucking your brain.
-[Zubair] What's that?
-Oh, nothing.
Just have to coax
my tinkle out when I'm scared.
[pensive music continues]
[tapping sewing kit on counter]
Alright, look alive, bro. We can't let
these Paki Blinders see us.
-[door opens]
-Shit.
Grabbing a Frappuccino.
You want one?
[Ifthikar]
Frappuccino?
Um, hm
Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
Yeah, I think,
I think I could go for a cup.
No! No!
Frappuccinos are basic as fuck.
Go get La Colombe.
[dramatic tabla music playing]
-[Raj grunts]
-Get up, get up!
I could go for it.
♪♪
Holy shit. That was close.
Oh. Lucky did not seem happy
to see us.
That's because
she didn't want us to come.
She specifically said,
"Don't do anything, Stupid."
No, she said,
"Don't do anything stupid."
This is not stupid.
This is a smart plan.
This isn't even
a plan at all, Raj.
What are we even doing here?
We'll come up
with something, man.
We'll let my third eye guide us.
It's gotten us this far.
[Mir]
Oh, my God.
I need some fuel though.
After all that puking.
Hero's Dose.
-[gulping]
-[can crumples]
-[Raj retching]
-[Mir screams]
[gasps]
-[Raj retches]
-[Mir screams louder]
Yeah. That was gross.
Oh, this place is
not cheap at all.
You know, I miss
overpaying for shit.
-I'm gonna do it.
-Yeah, do it.
Hello?
[in British accent]
Uh, hello, love.
How are we?
[belches, sighs]
You think Baba did
this kind of stuff?
Like real gangster stuff?
Yeah. Of course he did.
Okay. It makes me feel better
about what we're doing.
There are infinite versions
of this reality.
An endless stream
of Rajs and Mirs
dealing with every possible iteration
of this struggle.
[sighs] One wonders,
do they head towards it
or go to Tallahassee?
[sighs]
I'm gonna miss
these little chats
when we're dead in an hour.
[Baba Dar] [echoing]
Raj.
[mystical music playing]
You're on the right path.
We're doing the right thing.
Baba just told me.
Oh, God.
I can't hear anything, Raj.
I wonder if they're hurting her?
I'm scared.
It's time.
Here's the plan.
[thrilling music playing]
First, we'll call the maid
and swipe her master key.
Next, I'll start fires
in the hallway,
causing an evacuation.
-[alarm ringing]
-And under the cover of smoke,
I'll bust in there
and pull Lucky
-towards the service elevator
-[guests panicking]
[Raj] which I will open
with the master key.
Then it's a straight shot
to freedom.
[thrilling music continues]
[mystical music playing]
I miss you, Baba.
This is going down.
I'm going up.
[alarm ringing]
[silence]
Baba. Baba
[Mir] There you are.
-Baba
-Raj, get up.
Raj, get up.
Get up, get up, get up!
-Baba
-Come on. We gotta go. We gotta go.
Come on, come on.
Get up, get up.
-Get up, we gotta go. [groans]
-[Raj groans, whimpers]
[tense music playing]
Oh, shit.
I told you
to let me handle it.
Raj made me do it.
I did. I was super high.
You fuckin' scoundrels.
You killed him, didn't you?
Our dear psychotic cousin.
But now we get to avenge him.
-Oh, we live for the avenge.
-Mm-hmm.
So, I'd say it's about time
-for the knives then, bruv.
-[Zubair] Mm-hmm.
Knives? [laughs]
Come on. I thought
you guys were professionals.
Such a messy way to go about it.
There's so much blood.
There's so much
potential evidence.
She's right.
Grab that fishing wire
we picked at Walmart.
I got the knives all nice
and polished and everything!
Am I speaking fucking Gujarati?
I want a bloodless job.
Come here. Come here, bruv.
[Ifthikar and Zubair quietly arguing]
[Mir sighs deeply]
I know you're here
because you wanted to save me.
Just like your Baba did.
I'll take this one.
That's 250. Bargain.
I make my real money
selling girls.
-[punch thuds]
-[arms dealer groans]
-Run!
-[dramatic tabla music playing]
-[operator] [on phone] 9-1-1.
-There's a cache of illegal guns
at 2710 Shunk Street.
I have nowhere to go.
Do you know how to use
a cash register?
I can learn.
[young Baba]
What's your name?
Naveeda.
Ah. We can do better
than that. [sighs]
[distant sirens wailing]
Look.
[gentle sitar music playing]
[young Baba]
[chuckles] Lucky.
That's what I'll call you.
[distant sirens continue]
Baba saved you?
I miss Baba so much.
-[softly] Me too.
-I miss him too.
You know, I promised him
that I would take care
of both of you.
[crying]
I hope I'm doing a decent job.
-You are.
-You are, Lucky Auntie.
We're all a little lost
without him.
[Lucky sniffles]
If there's one thing
we understand,
it's an untimely death.
We've buried many soldiers.
[Ifthikar] Clearly,
our blood feuds are just
another external manifestation
of unresolved trauma.
-[Lucky] Hmm.
-[Zubair] Mm-hmm.
-That's so true.
-Yeah.
-You know what? Run along.
-Huh?
Go on. Run along.
Before I change your mind.
-Hands up.
-We can go?
-Before I change my mind.
-Hands up, hands up.
-Okay.
-Oh, my God.
Oh, here.
I got this. I got this.
-Thank you.
-Alright, guys.
Just FYI, Hamza was a prick
world's better off without.
Remember, he used to stab at us
if we ate the last Jaffa Cake?
[mimics stabbing]
[all laughing]
-He would stab us.
-Jaffa?
He was such a dick.
-[laughter]
-He was! Oh, my God.
We tried to kill him
so many times.
I'm glad I killed his ass.
What a dumbass.
[mystical music playing]
[echoing]
You have to let me go, son.
-[Raj gasps]
-Oh, God!
[Ifthikar] Let's start by gutting
the little one.
-Oh, my God!
-[Ifthikar screams]
[dramatic tabla music playing]
[Mir/Raj] Damn!
[Ifthikar yells]
[screams] Oh, my God!
-[Ifthikar] Come on, then!
-[Mir screaming]
-Lucky Auntie, can we trade?
-[both scream]
-[dramatic tabla music continues]
-[all grunting]
[chomping]
-[Mir straining]
-[Raj grunting]
-[Raj chomps leg]
-Oh, fuck!
-[Raj growling]
-[Ifthikar groaning]
[Lucky grunts]
-[Zubair grunts]
-[Lucky growls]
-[Zubair straining]
-[Lucky grunts]
[screams, cries]
-[dramatic tabla music continues]
-[both grunting]
[both yelp]
Oh, my God!
-Fuckin' raccoons!
-[Mir yelps]
[bone cracks]
-[body thuds]
-[Raj/Mir panting]
-[Lucky shouting in Hindi]
-Is he dead?
-[Zubair grunts]
-[Lucky groans]
No! [straining]
-[yells]
-[Zubair screams, hits floor]
-[Lucky yelling]
-[Zubair crying]
[Lucky/Zubair groaning]
-[bone cracks]
-[knife clatters]
[Zubair groans, wheezes]
[groaning] Fuck! Fuck.
-[wheezing, groans]
-[gun cocks]
You've won.
You've won, alright?
You don't have to do this.
You go back to London,
and you tell your organization
DarCo is back
and we're done playing nice.
You step foot
in Philly one more time
and I will rip
your fucking throat out!
[Zubair groans and wheezes]
Go.
Go!
[Zubair]
[groaning] Fuck.
Fuck. [wheezes]
How does it feel to pop
your blood feud cherry?
Like I could run
a 5K or piss myself.
You're like
a serial killer now, man.
-You think so? Really?
-Proud of you boys.
There it is.
FYI, Ahmad Uncle
totally didn't help us.
-[Lucky] You went to Ahmad Uncle?
-Yeah.
-Ow!
-We didn't tell him anything!
We can't have one nice moment
in this family!
-[car horns honking]
-[insects chirping]
It's time that I accept
you're gone
even though it really hurts.
Love you, Baba.
[sighs]
[Mir] You good?
I'm good.
You good?
Yeah.
Baba would be proud
of his sons today.
Yeah.
-To Baba.
-To Baba.
[glasses clink]
[cat meows softly]
You threw up on me.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
-It was a lot!
-I'll dry clean your clothes.
That was crazy.
[conversation continues, indistinct]
[engine rumbling]
[cat meows]
[upbeat fusion
rock music playing]
[Shadowy Figure] I've got eyes on them.
[engine revving]
["La Trampa" by Fumaca Preta playing]
[singing in Spanish]
♪♪
[song ends]
[fanfare playing]
[fanfare plays]