Desmonds (1989) s01e06 Episode Script

1 From the long, warm nights with an ocean breeze To the damp and to the rain of London city We come from the sun to live in the cold I miss my rum I want my coconut tree Don't scratch my soca Till the party's over Let's keep the music sweet Wind up your waist and feel the beat Don't scratch my soca (Sighs) (Exhales) I don't know what you laughing at.
It will happen to you eventually.
Child-bearing hips, fat backside, sagging breasts.
Do you know what it feel like when the size of your waist measure the same as your hip? Mmm? And your breasts can hold a conversation with your belly button? Wait! Hey, don't stand around looking glum It's Saturday and we have come It's a wonderful day and we're bright and we're merry The lines had to rhyme so I used my dictionary From the special MC with the silver tongue And I'd like to say "Good morning, mum!" No, guy, you can't say! That's fresh! - Why not? - You're always stealing my lines.
All right, all right.
Enough! It doesn't matter.
- You all right? - Yes.
Where have you put my red sweatshirt? I ain't put it nowhere.
It's on the floor where you left it.
- I was gonna wear that! - What's stopping you? Cos it's dirty.
Sean, you can read, write, speak French, program a computer, mmm? You can do all that but you can't put your dirty clothes in a washing machine and turn it on? - Yes, I can! - Then do it.
While you're at it, wash the dishes, tidy your room and clean your teeth.
Chill! - That's not fair! - Life is not fair.
Well done.
It's about time men took on more domestic responsibilities.
You know - What are you doing? - Doing? I ain't doing nothing.
You doing the doing.
I want this whole house tidy before your Auntie Susu come.
- Auntie Who-who? - You still here? - Auntie Doreen from Jamaica.
- Oh, yes.
Auntie "the last time I saw you, you was this big" Doreen.
Every time I seen her, she was always this big.
And that is just the size of she mouth.
- Are you saying my sister is fat? - Well, she ain't small, is she? I mean, she like a whole heap of them women back home.
- Yeah, big mamas! - You still here? - I want to talk to your father.
- Oh, thanks, Mum.
- You can help Sean instead.
- Ha-ha! Shame.
- Sean - I'm still here, aren't I? - Desmond? - Uh-huh? Do you think being fat is hereditary? No, it don't have nothing to do with that.
Fat people is fat people, innit? Just like a skinny man is a skinny man.
Sometimes you talk stupidness.
Baldness is hereditary, like the Japanese are small.
You ever see a Japanese basketball team? That is a characteristic of the Oriental man, like they have slanted eyes and we don't.
Yeah, and we have big mamas and they don't.
We have other big things and they don't.
You think my hips are too big? No.
- Do you think I'm fat? - No.
- You sure? - Yes.
- I think I am.
- I don't think you are.
Well, I do! Well, if you think you're too fat, then you're too fat.
You see! You agree with me! I didn't say you fat, it's you say you fat! Well, what would you say if I looked like this? Well, I'd say you look like a mad woman with constipation.
What is the matter with you, Shirley? I feel used, taken for granted.
I feel ugly.
Ah, don't worry, man.
Big Susu coming later.
You stand up next to her, you bound to feel cheered up.
- I don't need cheering up! - All right, all right, all right! Yo, morning, Des mond.
- You again? - Course it's me.
It's Saturday and your star stylist is here.
Mind you, you're lucky I am.
Last night, right, I get a call from this new client.
She says she wants to show me her record collection and why don't I bring a few of mine? Well, that was an offer I couldn't refuse.
I thought, "Tony, with these gifted hands, a large record collection, "and my good looks, no trouble.
" - So what happened? - She opened the door and she was I mean, she was just - Beautiful? - Nah.
Big, Des.
A big mama! Name's Alice.
She could dance, man.
Whoa, we danced all night.
Oh, she's got a wicked sense of humour.
You know what, though, Des? It's funny how you can misjudge a person.
Especially women, Tony.
Women are the eighth wonder of the world.
You wonder what's going on inside they heads.
I don't know about that but watching Alice dance was the ninth, tenth and eleventh wonder all rolled into one.
All right, listen to this.
I bet you never guess is who this.
Morning, Desmond.
Morning, Tony.
( Reggae music) I don't know who it is, boy, but it is a hot tune.
Is it, erm Healing In The Barnyard by the Sicklers? No.
Is it Dashing Dashing by Dashing Dashing? - No.
- So what is it? It's Water The Garden by Count Lasher.
How you know who it is? The man in the record shop said there were only three copies in the world.
He have one, I have one Yeah, and I've got the other one.
Peckham's a small world.
Sometimes, Porkpie, you're so gullible.
We're here.
That woman! The plane was late as it is.
She then decides to go window-shopping.
Now, I don't mind but we hadn't even left the airport yet.
And she brings all this fruit.
We can get this down Peckham mar (Shrieks) Hey! Susu! Is that you? Desmond! It's me! Close your mouth, you'll catch flies.
So me finally see your shop.
It's small here.
It look bigger in the photograph.
- So where she there? - Hold on, I'll go get she.
Shirley, Susu come! (Desmond chuckling) Thank you, Michael.
That boy of yours is strong, is he? OK, I've got an appointment with a mortgage client so Client, me backside! I come all this way to see my little nephew and he telling me about client and mortgage! - Now, listen, Auntie - Stay put! Now, Desmond, you going to introduce me? - Ah, now, this is Tony, our - Stylist.
This is a mango, Tony.
Yeah.
I know what it is.
- Hello? - The man have a phone in him pocket.
Whatever happened to a phone box? Auntie Doreen! Gloria! Call me Susu.
People only call me Doreen when them get angry.
Eh, eh, eh, turn round! Let me look at you.
You're too skinny.
Eh, eh! Porkpie! - Big D! - Who you calling big? Can't you see me skinny now? Yeah, man, yeah, man, me can see that.
Me never believe you was coming for your own.
- Why not? - Because me never did think Maxwell would let you go.
Maxwell! Who that? Who that? Your husband! Him is history.
Gone clear! So me looking for another man.
Sorry, sir! We can't have your bags cluttering up the place.
- We've got a business to run.
- You put them there.
Look, just put them in the spare room.
He's a good boy, Desmond.
- Hello.
- Sean! Look how big you is now! - Shirley! - Susu! Susu! Susu! How are you doing? Turn round, like me look by you.
You put on weight.
- Suits you! - Thank you.
- And you lose weight.
- Thank you.
And me did think nobody did notice.
I notice! You wanna come down the domino club with me tonight? Domino? I never come to England to play domino.
Me's have plenty of domino back home.
Let her get settled down first, Porkpie.
- I will take you sight-seeing.
- I never come here for that.
Music is party me a-look for.
Let me take you to a dance and we could boogie and things.
Rest yourself, Porkpie.
It's a different thing me want.
It's an intellectual man I wants to show me around.
Where round here you going to find an intellectual man? - Matthew is intelligent.
- Matthew is an idiot.
Matthew can speak for himself.
- How do you do? - So where do you comes from? The Gambia, you know, home of Kunte Kinte.
- You're a prince? - No, no, no.
He's a student.
You want some further education? - What you doing tonight? - Going out.
- With me, I hope.
- Who else? What about your two wives and kids? Well, you know what they say - when the cats and mice are away, the lion will play.
I'll pick you up at 8:00.
Mmm (Susu) Forward! (Shirley) Let me come with you, Susu.
Hey, Shirl.
You have anything I can wear tonight? You bring three big suitcase and you ain't got nothing to wear? I don't have a thing in them.
I only have little summer dress and thing, and since me's in England, me no see the sun.
OK, look in me bedroom, in me wardrobe.
England is an expensive country, you know.
- You telling me.
- Me only bring a few shillings.
- You want some money? - You took the words out of me mouth.
So you think you is a lion and can handle a West Indian lioness? Listen, Porkpie.
There is an old African proverb that says, an old discarded sponge is only turned to in time of desperation.
And she is not that desperate.
- Wait, what you? - It's Susu, she's short of money.
She only just come and she short of money already? She's my sister, what's mine is hers.
- That's an old African proverb? - Yes.
Well, I've got a Guyanese proverb.
It says, old Africans who talk about old sponges should shut up! Thank you, sister.
I'll like your chain.
Give me a borrow.
- Auntie Susu's wild, man.
- Uh-huh.
Mum's a bit down.
You should take her out, Dad.
- Cheer up a bit.
- I takes her out every Thursday.
No, out, out, up West.
Well, your Auntie Susu can take she out out.
Auntie Susu's gonna be pretty busy with Matthew.
When was the last time you took her out, Dad? - How old are you, Sean? - 14.
75.
Just over 15 years ago.
No wonder she feels neglected! Hang on, I know somewhere your mum really appreciated.
When did you last take her there? Oh, just over 15 years ago.
So, I came, I cut and I conquered.
- You're off, are you? - Yeah.
Got a new client to visit.
Ah, you see that, Porkpie? You see the new jet-setting lifestyle these young people live today? - So where does this client live? - Peckham.
Peckham is a jet-set area? Well, then why don't you cut her hair in the shop? I am.
I'm gonna do it upstairs.
I don't want no conquering and cutting on my premises after hours.
Chill out.
- It's only Shirley.
- What? I'm gonna give her the sexiest hair in town so you can take her out tonight.
You gonna cut my wife hair?! Look, Des mond, we've been through this scene before.
You cut hair and I style it.
You chop and I caress.
You caress my wife and I'll chop you.
I still can't believe it.
What does Susu see in Matthew? The man is ugly.
She's been out with him nearly every night this week.
The man's obviously got something.
Yeah, African proverbs.
All I've been since Auntie Susu's been here is a minicab.
"Take me here, take me there.
" She hasn't even offered me petrol money.
Well, you can afford it.
You earn enough money.
What else would you have been doing on a Saturday afternoon? Ah, well, as a matter of fact All right, all right, I know you is a busy man.
You must find time for your auntie.
She's family and family have rules.
She's allowed anything in this house.
That is the trouble with people today, they have forgotten them traditional values, - like looking after one another.
- All right, all right! - But she's still a pain in the - Petrol tank.
I agree.
Where is she now? I left her and lover in the car.
They're coming in a minute.
Matthew's in the car with Susu? So what happen, Matthew? She was too strong for the lion? (Meowing) Well, we were just having a conversation, that's all.
Thank you, Matthew, for a pleasant afternoon.
It was most enlightening.
I hope that we can repeat that experience again.
Well, the pleasure was all mine.
Well, Porkpie, an intellectual man can't occupy me all the time.
So how about you and me going boogying tonight for old times' sake? Me?! W-w-well When do you want me to pick me up? Eight o'clock.
And don't be late! Now, you see, Shirl, if you have it like this it lengthens your face, so it's goodbye round dumpling face hello long elegant face.
Tony, don't give me all that hairdresser's gibberish.
Talk to me in English.
- You look nice.
- Thank you, Tony.
- What's that? - That? Oh, that's my own creation.
Now, forget about Afrosheen, this is Tony's gleam.
Oh, really? It's a mixture of coconut oil, lanolin, cocoa butter and a bit of Shh you know who.
Put a little rum in it and we can drink it.
Oh, yes, lovely.
That looks lovely, Tony.
Yeah, well, I aim to please.
Yes, I'm sure you do.
You know how it is, Shirl.
Susu! (Tuts) Mm-mm-mm, mm-mm mm-mm Mm-mm-mm My dress! What are doing wearing my dress? What's wrong? - I was gonna wear that tonight.
- All right.
I take it off.
No, too late now, you've worn it.
Listen, Doreen Oh! You're angry.
You only call me Doreen when you're angry.
Of course I'm angry, Doreen.
You see! You said it again.
You must be vexed.
- Of course I'm vexed! - You don't have to shout.
Why you never put things back? Because I can't remember where to put them.
You don't know where my earrings are? I was going to wear them tonight, Auntie Doreen.
You vexed, too.
Well, you can have them.
No, it's all right.
And I suppose that's the last piece of chicken? Well, you can't have that back.
Why, I don't understand you English people.
You get vexed easy, yeah? - Who you calling English? - You's.
When me offer to give you something back you don't want it.
Look, you just can't take things.
That's not the way we do things.
- (Yells) You gotta ask first! - You don't have to shout! - Who shouting? - You see what I mean? You is English! This is my sister's house.
Back home, you don't have to ask to borrow things.
You just take it! If she was in my house, she could take anything.
But I see you English.
Everybody craven! A dress is a dress, an earring is an earring.
I could understand if I borrow your car, that is different.
OK.
OK, Susu.
You've made your point.
Listen You see that dress you're wearing Desmond was taking me out to somewhere special.
- Was? I am taking you out! - No.
Save yourself some money.
I don't want to go now.
Oh, come on, Shirley.
You never tell me you were going to wear this.
What you want me to do? Put a note on it saying, "Hands off"? Me own dress? This is my house, I don't have to do things like that.
Listen, Shirl, I'm really sorry.
I don't want to go out, either.
Why don't I make it up to you and treat everybody to some take-in food? I'll buy it and we can sit around and have a chat.
Well, since you putting your hand in your pocket - What do you want? - Well, I'll have crispy duck pancakes - prawns in chilli sauce - We'll have fish and chips.
Ooh, did I hear fish and chips? Fish and chips it is, then.
That is English food, innit? Boy, you going to miss England if you ever come back home.
(Hollers) Michael! You have to drive me to the fish and chip shop.
- Where's Michael? - Doing the accounts.
He'll be up.
I want to say a toast to my sister, Shirley.
Thank you for having me, I've had a lovely time.
And the next time you leave a nice dress lying around I'll still borrow it.
Oh, at last we've got you to ourselves.
Susu, tell me, how is everybody? Still the same, nothing change.
Mm-hm.
And your sons? Still the same, them not change.
- Rodney and Daphne? - Still the same.
- Nothing changed.
- It's a riveting conversation.
Tell me, Desmond, what you going to do with that plot of land of yours? - You still goin' build a house? - Yes, build a house and retire.
- You still have that fool fool idea? - What foolish about it? The West Indies have changed, it's different.
- You said nothing's changed.
- It's changed since he lived there.
There's a whole heap of muggings and killings, Sean.
- So what's new? - A whole heap of unemployment.
Susu, I'm going there to retire, not to work.
What I am saying is, there's a whole heap of people with the same idea.
But when them get back home them can't settle down.
It's disappointing and some people can't take disappointment.
Susu! Your chariot is waiting outside! Me book this, me book that, me book everything in town.
Sit down, you old fool, we're eating in.
What are you talking about? - Dad - Mmm? Can I have a word, please, in private? Of course you can.
What is it? - Did you money from the till? - No.
Why? We're £30 short on today's takings.
Shirley, you borrow £30 from out of the till? No.
Look, are we going or are we going? I coming! - Still mad about the other night? - Mad? Me not mad.
- Me vexed.
- Keep the kettle boiling.
Next time we'll make tea.
- Do you mean that? - Course I do.
- Get a bus.
- Later.
Anybody would think this was a state visit by the Queen.
Thank you, Desmond.
It was nice having you.
Please come again.
But not too often.
Shirl! Let me take one last look at you.
You know, that weight really does suit you.
Doreen, get in the car.
- My chain! - (Hollers) Michael!