Detroiters (2017) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Lindsay's Mirror Depot is Detroit's one stop for all your mirror needs.
We have round mirrors, wall mirrors, rectangle mirrors, golden mirrors, rustic mirrors, fancy mirrors, baby's first mirror, brown mirrors.
We have every kind of mirror in the world that we could find.
Lea, I thought we kept telling you to take us out in post.
And I kept telling you I can't do that.
Well, buckle up, everybody, 'cause we are not leaving this room until we get this right.
- Oh, actually, it's 6:00.
- You can barely see us.
Let's put a pin in this till Monday morning.
Great job, everybody.
[upbeat music.]
You have plans for the weekend? Uh, yeah, I'm gonna have dinner at your house.
You? Yeah.
Oh, I just can't wait Yeah, I'm I'm having dinner with my best friend.
Let's do it.
Ah, but first, I have to take a little trip to the third floor.
Ah, the third floor.
Yes, old magic number three.
I take it the Browns are going to the Super Bowl? Yeah.
I first have to, uh, drop the kids off at the pool and then I'm going to, uh, crap in that pool.
Mm-hmm, and you're gonna do it in the lovely, pristine, quiet majesty - Yes.
- Of the third floor bathroom.
- Yes, of course.
- For your journey, sir.
- Thank you, my friend.
- Mm-hmm.
Have a fantastic poop.
[elevator dings.]
- Morning, Sheila.
- Morning, Sheila.
Morning, boys.
Lindsay of Lindsay's Mirror Depot called.
She wants to see the commercial.
Well, that would make three of us.
Shall we? Uh, one minute.
The third floor is calling my butthole's name.
Is it, uh [high-pitched voice.]
Oh, Frederick! [Southern accent.]
Why, who is it? It's the third floor.
Well, I declare, I'm coming to poop on you.
[both giggling.]
Actually, poop and pee.
I got to do both.
I I'm talking as Sam now.
I don't know what you're doing.
Yeah, no, it's me.
It's Sam.
Oh.
Well, if you're traveling, you are going to need your suitcase.
Why, thank you, my good man.
Of course.
[exhales.]
Did you get outside this weekend, or did you? The phone lines are off, so distribute the extension list and Wi-Fi password.
Also, make sure everybody breaks down their empty cardboard boxes for recycling.
[eerie music.]
[high-pitched tone.]
[heavy breathing.]
Tim.
It's over.
It's over.
The third floor is over.
Sam, slow down.
What are you talking about? [stammering.]
So okay, so I went downstairs to poop, and then, uh You I went downstairs.
There's a bunch of people, and there's there's - a business down there, and - You sped up.
- You sped up.
- [stammering.]
A password Sam, slow down.
What's wrong? We can't poop on the third floor anymore.
Take it back.
What the hell? [choking.]
Take it back.
[both struggling.]
Stop trying to kill me.
You're frickin' stronger than me.
Who cares? [suspenseful music.]
Next time When they ask you Where you're from You gon' say Detroit city When we get back on our feet, yeah Yeah [elevator dinging.]
Ned, red alert.
Yo, Tim, Sam.
My favorite ad guys.
Oh! Got a commercial for you.
Campbell's Soup: it's just wet-ass food.
Not now, Ned.
There are intruders in the building.
No, that's that new tech company.
They just moved in.
They're pretty cool.
Moved in? As in full-time? Yeah.
They're legit too.
They're doing all these renovations.
Like, they're fixing stuff up.
Right upstairs with that.
Oh, while I got you guys here, I want to get your pictures, 'cause everybody has to get these new ID badges now.
- Are you serious? - Do we even get lanyards? Cheese.
[camera shutter clicking.]
Oh, those shoulders.
And that neck.
Thanks, Ned.
Jesus Christ, that neck.
Bye, Tim.
What the [elevator dinging.]
Hold the door.
Thanks.
Sorry.
You rode your bike, huh? DUI? No, it's just good exercise, good for the environment.
[dramatic music.]
- You guys are up on four? - Yeah.
Tim Cramblin, Cramblin-Duvet Advertising.
Been in the building for decades.
Many decades, hundreds of years.
Sam Duvet.
I'm his best friend, also co-boss.
Toby Hart, DTC.
We're a tech company out of Denver, and we are super excited to be moving our headquarters here to Detroit.
Didn't even have to change the D.
[laughs.]
What sort of techs do you do? Automated customer communication.
Basically, we want to do for the service repair industry what Home Depot did for hammers and nails.
Oh.
[elevator dings.]
Third floor.
See you around, neighbors.
[elevator door closes.]
That guy sucks, right? Tip to tail, piece of shit.
But new tech company is good for the city.
It's good for the city.
Good for the city.
[elevator dinging.]
I mean I think hammers did more for Home Depot than Home Depot did for hammers.
Right? I mean, like, how do you even build a Home Depot without the hammer? - Right? - Right? Let's go check in with Lea.
Uh, you go ahead, my good man.
But I still have a stinky little Santa Claus up my butt, and the only chimney is behind Sheila's desk.
Aw.
[sighs.]
Hello, Sheila.
Sam.
Uh, you want to maybe go get a coffee? No, I'm just fine.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, maybe you want to go get a cof Uh, like, a tea? Maybe, like, a smoothie? I'm fine.
Can you please leave your desk for a little bit? Why? Why? Fine.
Where are we on this? [upbeat music.]
We have round mirrors, wall mirrors, rectangle mirrors.
It's getting there.
It's getting there.
Can we just zoom in here, pull this out, stretch it, then digitalize it? No.
We're close.
What does "digitalize" mean? We're close! [toilet flushes.]
I'm not gonna apologize for that, Sheila.
- It's fine.
- All right, look.
I don't like it any more than you do, okay? But that's just the world we're living in.
I said it's fine.
If we don't poop, we die, Sheila.
Is Sheila refusing to poop again? [phone ringing.]
You've got Lindsay on line one! Hey, Lindsay, you're on with Tim and Sam.
- This is Tim.
- This is Sam.
Hi, guys.
Now, and And when can I see the commercial? 'Cause it was due last Friday.
Lindsay, this is Tim.
I thought we said this Friday.
No, no, we said last Friday.
Ah, Lindsay, this is Sam.
Let's go ahead and chalk that up to a miscommunication.
Lindsay, this is Tim.
Yeah, we bungled that on our end, but we'll definitely have something to show you by this Friday.
Lindsay, Sam.
Yeah, we want to make sure that thing's absolutely perfect for you, okay? Boys, this is Sheila.
We lost Lindsay.
Sheila, this is Tim.
Can we try and get Lindsay back on the line? Tim, Sheila.
I'm working on it.
Sheila, this is Sam.
Thank you, Sheila.
That was pretty good.
No, it was not.
No, it definitely wasn't.
Yeah, I'll send a follow-up email to Lindsay when I get home.
Oh, you don't have to.
You can send it from here now, actually.
Yeah, those buttmunches on three installed fiber-optic Wi-Fi for the whole building.
Now grab your perfect little pecker and start - What's that? - It's a JOI video.
It's jerk-off instructions.
They tell you how to jerk off? They tell you why to jerk off.
We really are living in the future.
Grab your private area and yank.
You know, as much as I hate that DTC took away our bathroom and made us get security badges, they haven't been all that bad for the building.
Oh, I couldn't agree more.
You know, I say, welcome, DTC.
Oh, come on! "Saving Detroit"? Oh, eat shit.
You eat shit, asshole! Tim, not you.
Them.
Oh.
Yeah, eat shit! "The new face of the Motor City"? I'm honestly mad, and I don't get mad.
- You don't.
You get even.
- I do.
Smug son of a bitch has been here one week.
They're on the cover of a magazine? We've been here our entire lives.
We've never been on the cover of a magazine.
Well, "Chubby Buddies.
" [gentle piano music.]
Yeah, "Chubby Buddies.
" [mumbles.]
You hungry? I'm starving.
Let's get something to eat.
"Saving Detroit.
" They're not even from Detroit.
We're from Detroit.
No, I'm from Detroit.
You're from suburbs.
Don't say that anymore.
You can't just waltz into the city and claim it as your own.
Yeah, you can't just throw on a Tigers cap, eat a Coney dog, and all of a sudden you're Kid Rock.
- He's from the suburbs too.
- Come on.
[elevator dings.]
Why are we stopping? Hey, Sam, Tim.
Toby.
This is Abigail.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
You work in the building too? Uh, yeah, we do.
For hundreds of years, right? That's a stupid joke.
I don't like that joke anymore.
[deep voice.]
We're on the fourth floor.
Oh, hey, Toby, I just wanted to personally thank you for saving our city.
Yeah, thanks for reaching into the garbage and pulling us out.
Oh, you guys saw the magazine thing.
That is so embarrassing.
But you know, whatever helps the business.
- Mm-hmm.
- Saving Detroit.
I guess we're gonna have to start wearing capes to work.
[laughing.]
Hey, we're gonna do a pedal pub at 6:00 tonight.
Should be supes fun.
It's a bar on wheels that you pedal around.
You guys want to join? A pedal pub? Ah, we can't.
We're buried too deep under the ashes of our smoldering city.
[chuckles.]
You're funny, Tim.
Actually, I'm not.
Sam's the funny one.
Well, when I have time to prepare.
Hey, we were gonna have lunch at a place on Gratiot.
Is that a safe area? Yeah, it's a safe area.
This is Detroit, not a third world country.
It says it's only a 12-minute walk.
- Both: Walk? - Are you insane? Absolutely take a car.
Absolutely.
Just keep your heads above ya, you know what I mean? Look up.
Stay off your phone.
Thanks for the tip.
We have round mirrors, wall mirrors, rectangle mirrors.
No.
See, that doesn't work.
I've checked every frame of footage twice.
This is the closest thing we have to a clean shot of a mirror.
I can still see Sam in it.
You know, uh, in the end, what you're gonna want to do is digitalize it.
That's not a real thing.
You keep saying that.
Well, we have a lot of work to do, and we are fresh out of tomorrows, so we're gonna have to work late tonight.
Oh, you know what? Actually, I I think I'm just gonna go home.
I'm yeah, I'm not feeling too hot, so How many hot dogs you have for lunch? - Three.
- Well, there's your problem.
You're starving.
Your body's literally eating itself.
Let me see if I have any emergency dogs in my desk.
- I bet I do.
- Actually, you know what, pal? That's okay.
I'll just see you tomorrow.
- You sure? - Yeah, sure.
- All right, feel better.
- Thanks, pal.
- Sam? - Uh-huh? I love you and I trust you.
[chuckles.]
Sam.
I hate it when it's just the two of us.
Why? Not as fun.
Yeah, well, your breath stinks.
Why don't you try flipping that? Flip the front and the back.
Spirit Airlines: dying while flying.
Night, Ned.
Night, Tim.
Oh, try Oh, try me and see If you don't believe [people laughing and cheering.]
All you have to do is just try me Whoo! DTC.
[people cheering.]
Sam Duvet! [people cheering.]
This is so much fun.
When do we stop? Soon? [laughs.]
You're so funny.
We just got started.
We've got another two hours! [all cheering.]
Oh, no.
[chuckles.]
I'm mad! Bologna: because it's all the meats.
[exhales.]
[elevator dinging.]
Yeah, don't hold the door.
I said, don't hold the [bleep.]
door! [elevator dinging.]
[soft instrumental music.]
Morning, Sheila.
Good morning, Sam.
Oh! Well, there he is.
The man of the hour.
Good news, buddy.
I was, uh, talking to Abigail, and she said that the DTC [groans.]
Can, uh, actually help us with the mirror commercial.
Yeah.
Mm, mm.
Uh, she said that they could, uh, digitalize it.
Huh.
No shit.
I knew that was a thing.
DTC to the rescue again.
They should start wearing capes to work.
[laughing loudly.]
Capes.
[laughing.]
Capes.
That's funny.
[chuckles.]
Yeah.
Are we really doing this? Yeah, we're doing it.
Doing what? Oh, Sam.
I was just so gutted yesterday that you felt down because we'd been working so hard, so I went ahead and rented us one of those supes fun pedal pubs.
You did? Is there a problem, Samuel? No.
No? You're good to ride? Not sore for some reason? Nope.
Great.
I'm just glad to have my buddy back.
[groans, chuckles.]
So let's get up and get out there.
- Come on, my friend.
- Yeah, all right.
- Yeah.
- Let's hit the road.
I'm gonna hit the road.
I'm so happy about it, I'm gonna just kind of laugh on my way up.
- [chuckles.]
- [pained laughing.]
Fun, isn't it? It sure is.
And it's even more fun that we're doing it for the first time together.
Sure is, pal.
What's wrong? You seem a little tired, old friend.
- I do? - Yeah.
I don't feel tired.
You want to talk about tired? Sheila's barely even pedaling.
That just means more exercise for the two of us, old pal.
Right, old buddy.
I mean, we could stop at any time.
You do hate exercise.
You know, I used to hate exercise, and then all of a sudden, as if by magic, I decided to love it without telling my best friend.
[strained laughter.]
Where are you guys going? To a bar that doesn't move.
And then there were two.
Then there were.
[rock music.]
You were feeling sick last night.
How'd you recover so quick? I just went right home and went straight to bed.
I saw you! You were on the bike pub with DTC! Fine, I lied! And you know what? They're not that bad.
Not that bad? They're just pretending to be from Detroit.
Who cares? They're not going anywhere.
They're here now.
It doesn't matter.
Then why did you lie to me about it? Because, Tim, sometimes you always get mad about everything.
No, I don't! What would you have said if I told you I wanted to cut out of work early to go ride pedal pubs 'cause I liked some girl? I'd have choked you out! I'd have blocked you! You like some girl? Yeah, Abigail.
Why didn't you just tell me this before? Why couldn't you have said all this back at the office? 'Cause this honestly looked fun to me.
I didn't know you would have to pedal.
I know.
Who wants to pedal a bike while you slug these bad boys? I really just want to sit back and slug beers.
That's all I want to And we're getting on the highway.
Oh, crap! [both screaming.]
[horns honking.]
We're gonna die! - [shouting indistinctly.]
- Yeah, back at ya! Hey, Lindsay, this is Tim.
Did you get a chance to see the commercial? I loved it.
The mirrors were gorgeous.
Hey, Lindsay, this is Tim.
Glad you liked how gorgeous they were.
How'd you make 'em so gorgeous? Ah, Lindsay, this is Sam.
I can speak to that.
We had a tech company digitalize it.
- It's brilliant.
- Go ahead and run it.
[both mouthing words.]
Guys? Are you guys there? Tim? Sam? Linds, this is Tim.
Will do.
Till next time.
Bye-bye.
[phone beeps.]
Boom.
Ba-da bing, Ba-da boom.
It's easy peasy.
You and me, forget about it.
Everybody knows.
Whew.
- Oh, Christ! - Oh, yeah.
[groaning.]
My legs.
There you go.
Back in, back in.
- Oh.
- Put your little legs up.
Yeah.
Hey.
Sorry I made you do back-to-back pedal pubs.
Sorry I brilliantly deceived you and, uh, so I could do the first one.
Yeah, no worries.
It's actually pretty fun to do it.
Yeah, it actually is really fun.
I had a great time.
I would honestly take out the drinking.
I was thinking the exact same thing.
- I don't even - Oh, Frick! - Oh, Christ! - Come on.
[screaming.]
[elevator dinging.]
Hey, Tim, Sam.
Hey.
[clears throat.]
I just wanted to thank you guys for helping us out on our commercial.
No problem.
Always have time to help a fellow Detroiter.
Hey, uh, tonight we're going "fowling," which is like a It's like football and bowling, - kind of like - That sounds really fun.
My boyfriend would love that.
Nope, we can't.
We got to work, so You just invited us.
That's not how I remember it.
You can come if you'd like, though.
[elevator dinging.]
both: Why are we stopping? [upbeat music.]
Detroit Belts? They're actually from Seattle.
Hey, Toby.
[whispering.]
It's good for the city.
[deep voice.]
So what's your name? Fat mirrors, thin mirrors, glass mirrors, itty-bitty cat mirrors, weird mirrors.
Please come and take a look at our mirrors and yourself in one of our mirrors.