Diary of an Uber Driver (2019) s01e06 Episode Script

1 - Hey, so about last night - I'm so sorry about that.
That's what I get for being too liberal with my passcode.
Last time Chris stole my phone, he texted my mum a dick pic.
Oh.
- Not one of mine - Oh, OK.
Yeah.
just off of the internet.
God, he didn't send you anything like that, did he? Oh, no, no, no, no, definitely not.
Oh, great.
I didn't even read what he'd said, to be honest.
Just nonsense, I assume.
Yeah.
Well, actually what he said was quite sweet.
I highly doubt that.
Firstly, he asked me how my mum was holding up.
He's a crafty little son-of-a-gun.
And then he asked if I had ever possibly, you know, maybe considered being more than just friends.
- My God! - Yeah.
The clown.
Oh.
And that's probably when you caught him, and - Yeah.
- because, you know, before I had a chance to reply, you were just like, oh, sorry, it was - Yeah.
- Bye.
Yeah, no.
Yeah, I We were so drunk by then like, I I can't even remember what I said, to be honest.
Yeah.
- Oh, Chris's cider.
- Mmm.
Rough.
- (CLEARS THROAT) - I'm sorry? - Nothing.
- Ah.
- Just - Oh.
Yeah.
I was I was just wondering if, um, like if I hadn't got the phone off Chris when I did, how would you have even replied to those stupid questions? Oh, I probably wouldn't have said anything.
Yeah.
Yeah, right.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, of course.
Yeah, what I probably would have done was, I would have driven through 100 red lights to get to your house.
Right.
And then I would have knocked on your door.
Huh.
And then I would have stood there.
OK.
And I would have waited.
What for? For you to kiss me.
Oww! - Ow! - Oh, sorry.
It's OK.
(GIGGLES) - (SLOPPY KISSING) - Oh! (PHONE RINGS) (SIGHS) Hey! Hi.
How how are you? How's it going? Ah, good.
Jack is dressed as Hugh Hefner.
Oh, no.
Yeah, which Josie is pretending isn't gross.
Oh, she didn't come as a bunny? No.
But I can tell he's annoyed about it.
(CHUCKLES WEAKLY) Ah, a lovely natural laugh from Ben.
You gonna come? Yeah.
Yep.
I'm going to try.
I just had a situation that's cost me a couple of hours, so I'll have to make that up.
Yeah, but I'll swing by later, though.
Yeah, the thing is, Ben, that you said that last week and I'm still waiting now for you to swing by.
Yeah, ah I Yeah.
- Is everything OK? - Oh, yeah, totally.
Yeah.
Halloween's just a weirdly, really good night for driving is all.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah, I guess people think it's too risky to catch the bus dressed as Voldemort.
- (LAUGHS) - Guess you'd better get back to it, then.
Yeah, I'll come by later, though, for sure.
- Yep, OK.
Sure.
- Yep, see ya.
Uber for Vicky? That's me.
- Oh, my God, are you serious? - Oh, my God, right? Did you guys hear Dizzy freestyling on the porch? Oh, my God, he's so fucking lame.
Didn't Dizzy finger you in like, Moana? Oh, my God, Erin, no! It was Minions.
- (LAUGHTER) - Oh, my God, shut up! Wait, excuse me, did you go to King's College? - Me? Ah, no, I didn't.
- Oh.
Where did you go? Kaluna High.
I have never heard of that school.
It's in the Shire.
Ew.
Amy.
Didn't they find, like, Zika or whatever in the water there? Wait.
Billy lives in the Shire.
Oh, um, do you know Billy Walton? No.
Do you know Joel Walton? No.
Do you know anyone? Ah, I know a Billy Joel.
- I know Billy Joel.
He goes to Knox.
- Ahh.
That's the one, yeah.
- Do you have a girlfriend? - Nope.
- Boyfriend? - Nope.
Are you asexual? Is that where you rub against pillows? - It's when you're nothing.
- Are you nothing? No, no, she's right.
I like pillows.
- See? - What? Ohh! Oh, Billy Joel.
He's the one with the rose tattoo across his collarbone.
So hot.
- - Yeah.
Wait a sec.
What - What is your name? - What? You said your name was Vicky? Ohhh You said your phone was dead.
(LAUGHTER) No, no, no, no, no, no.
Nuh.
Hey, sorry, you're gonna have to get out.
What? You can't just leave us here.
It is against the law for me to take you unless you've booked the trip.
Yeah, but we thought you were our driver.
- Yeah.
- And also, I make no money.
Well, Vicky's like her middle name, though.
Yeah, you're gonna have to make another booking.
Please, driver? None of us have any money.
Yeah.
Who knows what'll happen to us if you just leave us here.
- Yeah.
- There is a train station literally around the corner.
Have you ever been to a train station at night? I'm sorry, you gotta go.
What? Come on, guys.
We should just do what he says.
I mean, what choice do we have anyway? I mean, the best we can do is find our own way home and maybe go onto Facebook and maybe send Uber a message saying how we feel about their drivers picking up three underage girls who haven't even booked a car, and then dumping them next to like, like a factory or something once they're done with them.
I mean, I can't speak on behalf of you guys, but that's just how I feel.
Yeah.
That's how I feel too.
- Me too.
- Yeah.
Me too.
- Me too.
- Me too.
Thanks, driver.
(PHONE RINGS) (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS) Hey, um, can you ask Nick to get us alcohol? - I I don't know where he is.
- Come on, we can find some.
OK.
Amy.
Wait! Wait! Have you guys seen Nick? I like your hat.
- Rob, have you seen Nick? - I can't see shit, man.
Do you know if he's here? Oh, shit, it's Halloween.
Oh, wait, you don't even give presents for that.
For a second I was like, fuck.
She does look pretty good, though.
(MUSIC CONTINUES) (GIGGLING) Why is everyone so obsessed with us? Oh, my God, I know.
Didn't Erin say this was supposed to be a Halloween party? Maybe they came dressed as like people who shop at Target.
(GIGGLING) Yeah, OK, cool burn babe, cool burn.
I thought I could think of something better halfway.
Look, it worked.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Hey, have any of you spoken to Nick? Hey, didn't he join the army, or some shit? No, that was um, that was Scotty M.
And it was the Army Reserves.
Ah, yeah.
That's right.
- Pussy.
- (LAUGHS) - What a pussy.
- Erin! - Whose is that? - It's ours now.
OK.
Why are all your friends like 45, Erin? Those guys are like 23.
That guy's not.
- (GIGGLING) - OK, hurry up guys, let's go.
Did you see the photo of - Yeah, I know.
- (SOFT MOANS) Erm (WHISPERS) Guys! Nick? What the fuck? Babe, I'm so sorry.
- Hey, are you OK? - I don't even like give a fuck.
- Can we just go home? - Yeah.
This party's rank, anyway.
Does anybody know who that girl was? I have no idea.
What? Don't you think that maybe we should, you know, get her? (BANG AT DOOR) Go away! (GIRL GROANS) (BANGING PERSISTS) Fuck off! (BANGING PERSISTS) (REPEATED BANGING) (GIRL GROANS) What? Trick or treat, motherfucker.
- Ah! Oh! - (GIRLS SCREECH) You're such a dick! - Get her! Get her! - Sexy Offreds! Someone gets it.
- Ah! - Come on.
You're a fucking freak! - Delete it.
- Yeah, OK.
You all right? Careful, there's a step.
There's a step.
- Where are we going? - That party sucked, babe.
- I think I should go home, maybe.
- Yeah, we thought so too.
- Where do you live? - Newtown.
- Can we use your Uber? - Yeah! - OK, what's your passcode? - It's all eights.
Let's go, let's go, let's go! Erin? What the fuck? How far away is it? - Ah, 15 minutes.
- Oh, no.
Shit.
What are we going to do? Uber for Louise? That's me! Sluts! (LAUGHS) Sorry, one too many Cruisers.
(BELCHES) Yeah, let me know if you need to pull over, Bryan.
Some water please, Daddy.
Bryan, you can't call people Daddy when they're ten years younger than you.
Daddy isn't about age, darling.
Hmm? Sorry, would you mind if we swung by Waverley first? Ugh, why does she wanna go to Waverley? Um, because that's where I live.
Why are your friends always so expensive, Eli? Bryan, it's on the way.
Well, just put it on the tab then, darling.
I can split the fare if it's really that much of a problem.
No, no, just add it to the vodka and sodas, the cover charge I paid for myself, thank you.
Yes, but we would have gotten in for free darling if you had not been there, hmm? - I'm sorry, he's so drunk.
- It's all right.
All right.
I make up for low-quality company with high-quantity alcohol.
Let me know if you need to stop, Bryan.
Oh, for God's sake, man, do not stop.
We still have Waverley to get through.
Remind me (BELCHES) does she have a boyfriend? Bryan, you know that you can address me.
Oh, yes, of course, darling, I'm sorry.
Tell me, when was the last time you were fucked? Have you got a big brute at home just waiting to give it to you, hmm? 'Cos it would be lovely to know that my charity was going towards someone's cock getting sucked because by the look on Eli's face, I don't think it's going to be mine.
Oh! - Oh! - Sorry, would you mind pulling over? Yeah, yeah, sure.
Ah, just give me a sec.
Are we there already? Oh, my God, she's chomping at the bit.
- Fuck this.
- See, Eli, you want me to take an interest in your friends, but they always just abandon me.
What are you doing? Ah, I'm going.
Oh, no, don't go.
Whatever will I do without you and your friends bleeding me dry? Sorry, driver.
Don't, I'm sorry.
I Please, I don't want to talk about it.
What do you mean? You can't keep going out with these same dickheads all the time.
Ugh.
The drama of it all.
Really.
(SIGHS HEAVILY) What was your name? It's Ben.
Benjamin.
At least you're not angry with with me.
I don't know what I'd do if I lost you.
Oh, I must seem insensitive, but after the fourth, fifth, 30th time you make them cry you do lose belief in your own ability to (HICCUPS) to change.
(RETCHES) No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no! Goddammit! No.
Oh, you're fuckin' kidding me.
Fuck.
Oh, fuck, Bryan! Oopsies! Oh, fuck, Bryan! Yellow again? How? The Cruisers, Benjamin! (LAUGHS) OK, Bryan, you know what? You're on your own.
Goddammit! You're not gonna leave me.
Sorry.
You're not gonna fuckin' leave me here.
- You can get a bus.
- Don't you fucking dare.
I've gotta clean the car.
I told you to tell me if you were going to be sick.
Oh, go fuck yourself.
Who the fuck are you, anyway? Fucking Uber driver loser.
How exactly do you end up an Uber driver, anyway? Did you just fuck up from the first moment you were born? Did your parents never notice they were failing? Yeah, well, you suck too, man.
You actually suck a lot, OK? You're fuckin' fuckin' mean.
Oh, no.
And your friends, mate, your friends hate you.
You got you've got fucking shit shoes, you're you're a dick, OK? - And guess what? - What? The buses, I don't think they come again until the morning.
Oh, shit.
Guess how many stars you'll be getting, darling? A big fat fucking zero.
I don't care.
I just I don't care.
(PHONE VIBRATES) (MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYS) (MUSIC BECOMES UPBEAT) - Hi.
- Hi.
I'm sorry.
Congratulations, Ben.
It's done.
You're a dad.
What? Oh, Jesus Christ, Josie.
Sorry.
- Where is she? - She's fine.
She's just hopped in the bath.
OK.
It only started a few hours ago.
We weren't even sure.
OK, should should I go into the bathroom? - Yes, yes, go.
- OK, thanks.
- Hey, Ben.
- Yeah? Come here.
OK.
Yeah.
OK, go.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, sorry, did you need the bathroom? Yeah, yeah, sorry.
It's all right, I'll come back.
OK.
Have you spoken to Gina? Mm, she told me to fuck off until after breakfast.
OK.
OK, so we'll be having breakfast at 4 a.
m.
today.
Oh, here we go.
(EXHALES DEEPLY) (GROANS AND EXHALES DEEPLY) (DEEP BREATHING AND GROANS CONTINUE) OK.
Hey, that was that was barely 20 seconds.
You have ages still.
Sit here.
Sorry, was I supposed to hold your hand? No, I just don't wanna spend the night looking at you sitting on the toilet.
OK.
Lid was down, but point taken.
Sorry, I disappeared for a second there.
(SIGHS) I just suddenly realised I have no real way of knowing how to do do it.
Well, I think what I want is I wanna not know how, together.
Yeah.
We can definitely do that.
Yep.
Good.
Great.
What are we going to do for the next six hours? I think we spent less time together before she was conceived.
(LAUGHS) I'm not sure.
Doesn't say much for my parenting, does it? If I'm bored during labour.
(LAUGHS) Ohh.
Whoa, that was quick.
Ohh.
Ohh.
(BREATHES DEEPLY) OK.
Come on, ten seconds.
Rubbish.
Honestly, Beck, you think you've had a bad night? I had to watch Bart and Lisa Simpson make out in my car.
What? Yeah, I almost threw up.
They got to second base and he yelled, "cowabunga.
" He did not yell, "cowabunga.
" He did.
He yelled, "cowabunga" on climax.
(STIFLED LAUGHTER) - Hi.
- Hi.
What you up to, Jose? Sorry, I didn't know what to do with myself.
It felt weird to watch TV, but I brought cake.
Wow, that is not a sight I expected to see before dawn.
Oh, you missed out on Jack's party trick.
Yeah? What's Jack's party trick? Throwing up all over my succulents.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, I met a guy named Bryan who had a similar trick.
Guys, I think I might break up with Jack.
Oh, no, Josie, that sucks.
Why? I really like him.
Oh, my God! You two-faced liar! Oh, no, Beck! The baby's coming! You'll contaminate the water, Josie! (LAUGHTER) Jesus! Put it back in.
- You can't put it back in, Ben.
- You can.
You can't put it back in.
Guys, I'm cutting it.
Oh, well, in five years time we could be walking round a zoo With the sun shining down over me and you And there'll be love in the bodies of the elephants too And I'll put my hands over your eyes but you'll peek through And there'll be sun, sun, sun all over our bodies And sun, sun, sun all down our necks And there'll be sun, sun, sun all over our faces And sun, sun, sun