Dilbert (1999) s01e06 Episode Script

Mmm, do you think normal people pack suitcases this way? I'm an engineer, not a normal person.
That's a lot of clothes just to visit a sweatshop in Elbonia.
It's not a sweatshop.
It's our overseas manufacturing facility.
Look at the company newsletter.
See? They're all smiling.
And your assignment is to make them stop? If you must know, my team's being sent there to oversee quality control on the production of my pride and joy: The Gruntmaster 6000.
Well, while you're there, maybe you can help them develop a written language.
You're living in the past, my furry friend.
Capitalism has transformed Elbonia.
The economy is burgeoning.
Nothing like slave labor to perk up the economy.
They're making many advances.
For instance, did you realize The leading cause of death in Elbonia is no longer black plague.
Oh, really? What is? Here we go- it's "self-inflicted gunshot wounds"? Must be a typo.
Excuse me.
What are you doing? I'm rattling the cans.
People expect it.
Can I ask you a question? As long as it's refuse-related.
Oh, it is- what are the odds that Dilbert can visit a factory in Elbonia and return alive? Oh, I'd say 73- to-one against.
the bathroom in the plane.
That's about what I figured.
Dilbert's only hope is to remain objective and ignore the plight of the Elbonian people.
If he or any member of his team gets involved in their internal affairs or culture Well, I'd rather not think about it.
That's a problem- he likes to fix things.
Well, in that case, he'll need the help of someone who's incapable of sympathy.
Someone so cynical that the suffering of others is nothing but a source of cheap entertainment.
All right, I'll go.
I have something that might help you.
Here.
By the way, what's the weather like in Elbonia this time of year? Why are you so suddenly interested in Elbonia? Oh, I have my reasons.
Hmm a license to kill.
It's better- you can steal too.
Elbonians enjoy skiing all year round Except when they're sipping hot toddies at the chalet.
Cheers.
Then it's "surf's up!" Along one of Elbonia's many pristine beaches.
Awesome, dude! You'll find five of the seven great wonders of the world all within easy access by shuttle bus.
And when you're done The whole family can relax at our world-famous casinos.
And don't forget mud wrestling.
Hey, no fighting dirty! In Elbonia, we never close.
And so, from sunny, snowy, culturally-enriched Elbonia, we bid you ta-ta- That's Elbonian for "ta-ta.
" How the heck does this thing work? Where's the needle? There is no needle.
No wonder I can't turn it off.
Yes? He's not here.
Was it for me? No.
Are you sure Elbonia is the best place to take my vacation? Have I ever lied to you? And later been detected? When I went to Mexico, you told me to drink as much of the water as I could.
That's the exception that proves the rule.
Is that WHAT THAT IS? I'll book your flight to Elbonia.
Thank you.
When you get there remember to wear lots of jewelry and walk around alone at night.
Isn't this exciting? I said, isn't this exciting? I couldn't hear you.
I was listening to the audio program, "The Sound of Screaming.
" I don't know why it takes three of us to inspect one Elbonian factory.
We're a team.
Besides, I thought you liked getting out of the office.
You don't know me as well as you think.
This is the first time I've ever flown first class.
Kind of spoils you.
I feel sorry for those people in coach.
I wonder what the movie is.
That is our notorious prison of no escape.
And that is our world-famous health spa.
I don't know why But I feel a mystical connection to this place.
Mmm, mud pie.
Good.
The mud is calling me.
I'll see you later.
We're here.
Where? Welcome to the Hotel Elbonia.
Sorry, you can't park there.
Diplomatic immunity, my friend.
Now tear up the ticket.
Now eat it.
Now regurgitate it.
Good.
Wow.
Just because you're a diplomat you can park anywhere you want? That's nothing.
Watch this.
Gun.
Now dance for your diplomat.
Dance! Now Riverdance.
How did you become the diplomat to Elbonia? I was the only one who applied for the job.
This isn't exactly Monaco.
Diplomatic immunity.
, With all due respect the natives in my country are a primitive and superstitious people.
They believe that every time you take their picture you take their soul.
Gotcha.
Smile! Aah! What did I just tell you?! Hey, hi.
What an odd- looking people.
It's US FROM work.
Remember? If only I spoke your language.
Do you know where the pool is? The pool? Swimmy, swimmy? Ignorant wogs.
Wow The Gruntmaster 6000.
That's the first one off the assembly line.
My prototype.
And this is where we house the generators that power the factory.
As you can see, incentive programs motivate our workers to put forth their best efforts.
Why don't they get off the bicycles and walk around to get the pork chop? Shut up! That's crazy talk! Don't listen to her! These working conditions are appalling! Our appalling working conditions are second to none.
And over here is where the main housing for The Gruntmaster is forged.
Shouldn't there be a guardrail around that? Guardrail? What is this, an amusement park? Hey, you stupid, lazy Lefties, show's over- back to work.
Lefties? Yes, of course- That's all they're good for.
If it wasn't for the Right Man these Lefties would have nothing.
They'd still be sitting in the mud.
Right people founded this country.
We built this country up from small mud hole to a gigantic mud hole! We made this country what it is.
God bless Right Elbonia! So where do all the Right people work? In management.
And this is where The Gruntmaster is actually assembled.
As you can see, our daycare facilities are second to none.
You can't put babies to work on an assembly line! These are not babies.
They're toddlers.
Oh You're coming home with me.
I didn't know you wanted children, Alice.
I didn't, until this moment.
How about now? Are those people dead? Technically, yes.
But that's no excuse! Get to work, you lazy corpse.
I've never seen anything so barbaric.
How can the Lefties tolerate it? We have an excellent benefits plan.
Like what? If you die, you get time off to attend your funeral.
That's it? And the salary of five Grubnicks a month.
That's less than a penny.
I beg your pardon.
It's MUCH less than a penny.
Our motto is that work is its own reward.
Heyaa! Here you go, little fella.
Open wide.
We've got to do something about the factory conditions.
I'd love to help but I've got a baby to take care of.
All right, I just don't want to, okay? So as I was saying, Your Excellency, we're very proud to have The Gruntmaster built in Elbonia, but the working conditions in the factory are abysmal.
A what? Abysmal.
I've never heard of that word.
Unconscionable? No.
Heinous? Mm-mm.
What? You seem to lean left, my friend.
Check, please? The ancient burial lumps are closed.
I'm not here for the tour.
I'm looting.
Diplomatic immunity.
Oh.
Have a nice day.
I can't believe no one wanted this job.
It rained for 40 days and 40 nights, and then, naturally, there was a ton of mud.
And that's the story of Noah's mud.
Tomorrow, Adam and Eve and the Garden of Mud.
Wally, I need your help.
Old helpful Wally doesn't exist anymore, Dilbert.
This is my life now, Dilbert.
I am one with the mud.
I am THE MUD.
The mud is me.
I'm naked and I'm muddy and I'm Wally, and it's all the same.
From mud I came and to mud I have returned.
You came from mud? I don't know.
Whatever.
Wally, you can't spend your life in the mud.
Surrender to the Elbonian mud, Dilbert.
There's no right and wrong, just shades of brown.
Have you filled out the forms? Yes.
Uh-oh.
What? It says here, that you are right-handed.
So? The official Elbonian adoption policy does not permit mixed-arm-preference adoptions.
It is not fair to the child.
I switch hit in softball.
Let's hope that's enough.
Now, fill these out.
Hi.
Don't mind me.
We are the Elbonian Left-handed Liberation Front and slow-pitch softball team.
Maybe we should talk.
I think that's what we're doing.
I mean we should talk about your working conditions.
We can talk during the break.
When's that? There it is.
How can you work like this? Why don't you demand better working conditions? What can we do? The world is stacked against the left-handed people.
The books are right-handed.
The staplers are right-handed.
The desks, tape, bottles, phones.
I'm pretty sure you can use any of those things with either hand.
That's what they want you to think.
If you're going to change anything you're gonna have to organize.
Now you've lost us.
You know, form a Union.
It's called collective bargaining.
If your demands aren't met, you Forget about them? No, you strike.
You refuse to work until you get better conditions.
We'll do it.
We'll follow your leadership and strike.
And when the Righties execute you, we will make small plastic statues in your likeness.
Look at 'em.
Look at 'em slaving away like pack mules.
This'll make a great shot.
Hey! Everybody! Wave at the camera! Okay! You know, I'm standing right in front of you.
Okay, here's my final offer.
Designated smoke breaks for anyone who catches fire.
Take it or leave it.
That's an insult.
These people are dedicated, committed, serious.
They're not going to cave in no matter how much pressure is brought to bear.
They will not return to work until their demands are met.
Arrest him! Okay, back to work.
You will be read your rights, given a fair trial, then executed.
On second thought, since we have no rights and we have no courts, let's go to the execution.
Bob? Yes, excellency.
They're ready.
They aim Fire.
The execution of Dilbert will continue after these messages.
Hello, every day Elbonian babies go completely unshaven simply because they are left-handed.
Won't you please stop it! Stop it! Cute, aren't they? For only one Grubnick a day- Let me see that.
There! Now, it's gone forever.
That's it! You're on your own! Um, send your Grubnicks to: Shave the Children P.
O.
Box 6, Elbonia.
Remember, a child is Ah, shut up! The old ways are the best ways.
Okay, Dilbert, this time we're ready for you.
No tricks.
No one survives the giant mudball.
I did.
Shut up.
Move it.
Out of the way.
Diplomat coming.
License to kill.
"Diplomatic immunity.
" That's right.
Now, give me your clothes.
Damn.
As the new dictator of Elbonia I've decided to make a few changes around here, and make no mistake about it, these ARE changes for change sake.
He's free, and all the workers' demands are hereby met.
Hooray.
Yah! We're free! Free at last! Ah, sweet freedom! Good to see you.
Come right in.
Right this way.
Hi, welcome.
Come on in.
Good to Hey, what's going on? Why's everyone leaving? You just got here.
The factory's automated.
They don't need us now.
We've been down-sized.
To how many? One.
Um Can somebody show me how to work this thing?! And then lot's wife looked back and ZAP.
She turned into a pile of mud.
The man is a genius, a visionary.
I have to get a picture.
Say cheese.
That's a keeper.
Thank you for saving my life- Even though it wasn't in danger.
I just couldn't picture you as the official martyr of Elbonia.
I was only trying to do the right thing.
A misguided exercise at best.
What are you doing? I'm taking the mud.
Why? Because I've taken everything else.
That's cruel.
No, that's diplomacy.
Let my friend Henry, here explain it to you.
Hello, Dilbert.
In the world of realpolitik you must see that the infrastructure of Elbonia was built on mud.
In a global economy, this is the equivalent of economic suicide.
Thus, in order to save Elbonia it must be de-mudded.
Dogbert was doing the only logical thing.
Oh, of course.
Now I see.
You do? Yes.
I don't even know what I'm talking about, but for some reason it drives the chicks wild when I talk this way.
O great mudman.
How do you explain this? Is it a sign from above? More like a sign from below.
Freakin' little mud boy.
Here I am buying trinkets from one of the native merchants.
Here I am relaxing by the pool with some of the natives.
Here I am flying home, accompanied By a group of vacationing Elbonians.
And here I am back at work.
By the way, I'm pleased to announce that the production of The Gruntmaster in Elbonia has far exceeded our expectations.
We can officially now classify Elbonia no longer a poverty-stricken fourth-world country, but a poverty-stricken three- and-three-quarter world country.
It is my fervent hope to someday visit this exotic land.
Oi Hello, I'm Dogbert.
And welcome to Las Elbonia; where gambling and prostitution isn't just legal- It's mandatory And this week only at the Caesar's Elbonia- The song stylings of Henry Kissinger.
music Viva Las Elbonia music music Viva Viva Las Elbonia music Yee-ha! Hiya!