Dog with a Blog (2012) s01e06 Episode Script

It's eighty-five and sunny today in Pasadena.
That's right, it's Christmas time.
For the first time in my whole life, I get to spend Christmas as part of a family, And I'm so excited that I even let them dress me up.
Check it out.
Pretty cool, huh? Hey, I got the red nose and I can talk.
I wonder if I can fly.
Nope.
It doesn't matter.
I finally get to discover the true meaning of Christmas.
Hey, I think it means having a place to pee indoors.
No! Sorry.
First Christmas.
Don't feel bad, Stan.
Last Christmas, I drank a whole carton of egg nog And threw up on santa's cookie plate.
They were gone the next morning.
Santa's gross.
Hey, you dropped these pine needles outside.
Phil Trummer.
You know how in every neighborhood There's one mean, scary guy that nobody likes? Phil Trummer trains that guy.
Mr.
Trummer, we were gonna clean those up.
Daddy, I thought you said to let them blow into nasty old man Trummer's yard? My dad calls everyone nasty old man Trummer.
He calls my mom nasty old man Trummer.
So, mr.
Trummer, any special plans for the holidays? Oh, thanks for asking, nasty old man Trummer.
Just calling the cops if you leave your Christmas lights on after 8:00.
Wow, you can really tell it's Christmas.
He was so much nicer this time.
He didn't call me Sally or tell me to cut my hair.
Cut your hair, Sally! Dog With a Blog S01E06 Bark! The Herald Angels Sing You're writing and we're not in school? Quiet, I'm thinking.
Writing and thinking? It's a Christmas miracle! No, it's a Christmas wish list.
A Christmas miracle would be if you moved back to Whoville.
My mom never lets me make a wish list.
She believes all Christmas gifts should be a surprise.
And she's the world's worst gift giver.
She can't be that bad.
Her gifts are one of a kind, Often bought at craft fairs or boutiques.
Oh, man.
Well, now that my dad is married to your mom, I guess we're all doing it this way.
This is for real? I get to make a list? I mean, I'm used to making lists of things I have to do, Or things I disapprove of, or silly names for pickles-- Gherkin.
Lame.
Or things that annoy me about you.
Super lame.
No.
72: Limited vocabulary.
But I never got to make a list of things I want.
Where do I start? Ooh, wait a minute.
Pepperoncini.
That's something you want? No, it's a pickle.
No.
73: Knows nothing of pickles.
Here's my list.
A t-rex bone? Where's someone gonna get that for you? Right down the street in that giant bone store.
That's the museum of natural history.
That's the worst name for a bone store since "Cemetery.
" I just can't believe my mom agreed to this list thing.
I did not agree to this list thing! But I've always done lists.
Bennett, what does that teach the kids? That you write down something and you automatically get it? That's not Christmas.
That's mother's day.
Well, this is our first Christmas together as a family.
I have my traditions and you have yours.
But if surprise gifts is what you want, we'll do it.
That's very sweet.
Okay, and so what tradition of yours should we do? Well, I know you think of me as an esteemed doctor, Loving father, and macho man of a husband.
What you don't know is that I also like to get dressed up And go singing around the neighborhood.
Now, it's not just caroling, It's more of a yuletide cabaret brought to your front door.
What would your second choice be? Well, you're not seeing it with the full effect, With the bowler hat and the white gloves.
The neighbors look forward to it every year.
Hark, the herald angels sing Glory to the newborn king Must have gone to bed early.
What better way to embrace the Christmas spirit Than with a little piece of genius I call "All that jazz-mas.
" Ah! I've already got a bowler hat and a jazz suit for you, too.
- You do? - It's got sequins! I'll go get them! Oh, I guess since we're doing my surprise tradition, There's really no argument I can make against jazz caroling.
Is there? Is there an argument? Mom! This is so great! I'm writing my Christmas list! Oh, honey.
It's sweet you're pretending to like this crazy list idea-- I'm not pretending.
I love it.
My brave little girl, trying so hard to hide her disappointment.
Don't worry, we're doing this our way-- no lists.
I'm gonna surprise you like every year.
Oh, yay.
Your hep threads, pussycat.
Oh, yay.
and silent night, snap, kick.
No, no, no.
Honey, come on.
It's a simple eight-count, stay with me.
Whether or not I stay with you is definitely something I'm mulling over right now.
Oh, Chloe, sweetie, check who it is.
It might be a stranger on the other side of the door.
Can't be any stranger than what's on this side of the door.
It's nasty old man Trummer again.
Everybody get down! I can hear you! Get down and give thanks for wonderful Mr.
Trummer And for the baboon heart that's keeping him alive.
Hello, Mr.
Trummer.
Oh, look.
It's Fosse the Snowman.
Does Christmas really need this? Santa's already got one prancer.
Actually, I'm much more of a dasher.
And my wife here is a vixen.
Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
Well, that's a disgusting display.
If I had tears, I'd cry.
That must have been one mean baboon.
I just came to tell you to turn your blinking lights off at night.
They're keeping me up.
Are you going to attach balloons to your house and fly away? I wish.
What's so important that you had to pull me away from the internet? I was watching a zebra do a back flip off a diving board.
That's a huge waste of time.
Please send it to me.
All right, now, we have something very important to discuss.
We have to pretend to like the gifts Mom gives us Christmas morning or she will be devastated.
Her gifts can't be that bad.
Really? What do you think of this? Aah! It's hideous! Is that your mom? Why would she give that to a kid? Maybe for the same reason she gave these to a kid.
Grandma's teeth.
Doesn't mommy like you? The question is, didn't grandma have a toothbrush? If any of my presents are this bad, I'm gonna freak.
I'm gonna do this.
Look, the point is, if mom sees how much we hate the gifts, she will have a very sad Christmas.
Judging by this picture, your mom can't help but smile.
That's not my mother! Okay, we'll fake what we think about the gifts.
I'm pretty good at faking what I think about things.
"No, Amanda, I'm not coming over to your house because your sister's a model.
I like hearing about your skin problems.
" Guys, we have to practice our reactions.
Watch this.
I unwrap the box.
What could it be? Something I've always wanted! A look of surprise, a tiny gasp, a squeal, a butt wiggle.
Who's up next? Oh, me, me, me! I got this.
"Hey, wow, great gift, Ellen.
I mean, you nailed it! How did you know?!" And butt wiggle.
Stan, no.
You're the only one here who doesn't get to talk.
Then the whole thing's off.
If I butt wiggle without talking, I get the worm medicine.
All right, Chloe, show me your stuff.
Convince me you really love your present.
What's that look? I drank three juice boxes.
I have to go! Okay, Tyler, your turn.
Oh, I'm good, I went a few minutes ago.
No, your thrilled present-opening face.
Go! I gave you my best stuff with the skin problem.
Well, mom doesn't have a skin problem.
Then why does she wear all that white stuff on-- That's not her! Hey, I can fake it all you want, But what if the gift is even worse than I can imagine? Well, then there's only one thing to do.
We gotta find the real gifts so we won't be horrified Christmas morning.
They're hidden somewhere in this house, so let's split up and-- Stan, put those away.
Oh, Christmas cookies.
Just making some cookies to take to the neighbors.
I'm spreading cheer and icing.
Good one, Ellen.
Well, that is a lovely thought, hon, But I have been jazz-masing through the neighborhood all week and nobody is home.
Oh, you went without me.
This isn't a joke, Ellen.
This is pasadena house-to-house jazz caroling.
I'm not saying people are hiding inside their homes, But if you want to lure them out, you should use my cookies.
And I'm not saying your cookies are dry and tasteless And suck the moisture out of your body, But I think we might have better luck with mine.
- You made cookies? - Mm-hmm.
No, baking is my tradition.
We're doing my surprise gifts, your jazz-masing, Now it's my turn.
Just taste one of my cookies.
No, just taste one of mine.
Mine are better.
No, just taste mine.
No, mine's an old family recipe.
Your family made shoes.
Oh, hello, Chloe.
Um, are you looking for something? Yes, something horrible I have to pretend to like.
Ellen, give Chloe one of your cookies.
Who is it? Nasty old man Trummer.
I'm supposed to pretend we're not home.
But hi.
Hey, Bernadette Peters.
I don't get that.
I found your dog outside trying to escape.
Tell your parents to keep an eye on him.
You don't want anything to happen to him, not that I care.
I wasn't escaping.
We were looking for presents.
Then I had to go outside and leave a present.
Merry Christmas.
Any luck in the kitchen, Chloe? No presents in the kitchen.
Well, then there's only one place left to look.
Come on.
Are you sure we should be doing this? I know we're doing the wrong thing, But we're doing it for the right reasons.
Story of my life.
Guys, I think we hit pay dirt! She's giving us dirt? No, it's an expression.
Although in this case, you might be right.
All right, let's look at our presents And get all of the horror out of our systems.
Remember, it's all for mom.
Cool! An X-Kube! What? This is exactly what I wanted! I don't understand.
A doll! I love her! That doesn't make any sense.
Why? I'm a little girl, I love dolls.
Mom bought good gifts? Maybe being in this new family has changed her.
Wow, I won't have to pretend on Christmas morning.
I can actually be thrilled! A Christmas poncho? No! And butt wiggle.
Hey, look what I got! It looks like a bone, but it's made out of rubber.
If this thing squeaks, I'm-- Jumping jack russell! She totally gets me! Yeah, she gets you guys.
All of my life, I've been pretending to like her horrible gifts.
I thought she was a terrible gift giver, but it's just with me.
What's going on here? Why don't you just ask her? How can I even face her? Turn around.
Um, probably uncool to squeak my awesome gift in front of you right now.
So I'm just gonna take it in the other room.
Hey, hon.
I'm so depressed.
Well, I was a little hard on you earlier, But baking is not for everyone.
Not that.
Do you think Avery and I relate well? And I don't want to hear any of your therapy gobbledy-gook.
Can I use the language of dance? Please don't.
Mom, I think we need to talk.
Have you really hated all the gifts I've given you? I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
I just always thought you were a bad gift giver.
But you got such good gifts for everyone else this year.
Don't you like me? Oh, sweetheart, I love you.
You're my girl.
I thought you loved my gifts.
Why would I love grandma's teeth? When you were a little girl, You used to take them out of the glass by her bed and play with them.
I was three.
And even then, you might have discouraged that.
Why? We used to laugh and laugh.
It was our thing.
You gave her teeth? Now, when you say she has your mother's eyes, you don't mean she I give you things that are special to both of us, like the clown picture.
I had it in my room when I was little, and now it's in your room.
I hate the clown picture.
Next you'll be telling me you hate pineapple, and badminton, And writing words on grains of rice.
I do.
Which one? All of them.
Why didn't you ever tell me? Well, once I did write it on a grain of rice.
But I didn't want to hurt your feelings, so I cooked it.
I thought we were so similar.
You know, it's every mother's dream that her daughter be just like her.
But look at you, you're your own person now.
It's horrible.
I have an hour on Monday from 4:00 to 5:00 if you wanna come in.
I'm sorry you hated all the gifts I've given you.
Don't say that.
I loved some of the gifts.
No, you didn't.
It's true, I didn't.
You were my little girl.
Mom, stop crying.
You're making me cry.
You're making me cry.
You're both making me cry! Don't you go down, big guy.
You were the only thing keeping me strong! Why would you get me a Christmas poncho? I got one too.
We were gonna be twins.
I don't think that's healthy.
She's right.
It's not healthy.
Okay.
This year's gonna be different.
I'm gonna get presents for you, not for me.
Thank you, mom.
I'm gonna go shopping right now.
I'll get my list.
No, no.
No lists.
I'm gonna prove that I know who you are.
She has no idea who I am! Nobody likes "All that jazz-mas"! I just sat on my tail! Our first Christmas together.
Blending our love and our traditions.
And we did a great job compromising on another tradition: How to do the tree.
Ah, that was a tough one.
But it's a big statement on how we make this family work.
Hey, kids, time to open presents.
I am so nervous about what I got Avery.
Can't we just do this later? I understand the nerves, Because after all the weight you and Avery have put on this, I'd say the future of your relationship hangs in the balance.
Thanks.
I feel much better now.
Avery, here's your gift from mom.
Um, actually, I'm thinking of running away to Mexico.
Well, at least you got the poncho.
Merry Christmas.
Let's open some presents.
Um, shouldn't we have some breakfast first? Maybe we can make some scones from scratch, Or bread in an adobe oven we build ourselves from mud and straw.
Yes, let's go to a field and pick the straw and gather the mud.
Come on! Uh-uh-uh.
Girls, girls.
If whatever is in that box destroys your relationship, It wasn't meant to be.
Surprise! A gift card! I love it! Really?! It's exactly what I wanted! Total control over my gift! You know me! You know me so well! I do! I really do! - Here, open my gift.
- Okay.
I love it so much! We're twins! I know! Twins forever! Yeah, still not healthy.
Here, look.
There's a card.
Oh! A grain of rice! Oh, thanks.
Oh, sweetheart, that's lovely.
Oh, look, there's more.
Are we the only two normal ones in this family? Yes.
Yes, we are.
Hey, Stan, look.
We got you a present.
It's a Christmas sweater! It's the ugliest thing I've ever seen.
But I kept it anyway.
'cause it'll always remind me Of my first Christmas with my new family.
And we started a new family tradition.
I guess the real meaning of Christmas Is that it's not the gifts that matter.
It's the love they represent.
And if you really love me, Next year you'll get me that t-rex bone.
Here's a picture of when I saw it at the bone store.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
I got your note asking me to come over.
What note? Bennett didn't write that note, I did.
I did a little research on Trummer and it turns out He was quite the song and dance man in his day.
And five, six, seven, eight! I just thought I'd do a little Christmas good deed And invite Trummer to give us a lesson.
I realized he was just a lonely guy on Christmas, Looking for a little human contact.
Fosse! What a bunch of losers.
The heart they yanked out of me had more rhythm than you! Still not a nice guy, but a little less lonely.
And