Dollface (2019) s01e06 Episode Script
History Buff
1 Hi.
Picking up for Jules? CASHIER: Jules.
I've got a single chicken kebab plate, single salad, and a single slice of pie.
How many utensils would you like? Um, two sets please.
- You don't have to do that for me.
- HOSTESS: Jeremy! Party of two! [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
Right this way, Mr.
and Mrs.
Jeremy.
[RESTAURANT RUMBLING.]
DINER: Should we get on the floor? Whoa! That was insane! Yeah, little earthquake.
That's L.
A.
for ya.
Mmm.
[BELL RINGING.]
- A.
D.
: Quiet on the set! - I gotta get you mic'd up! - You're on in 20 seconds! - On? What am I on? They told you this piece is live, right? - [NEWS THEME PLAYING.]
- The big one is coming.
Scientists say it's a matter of when not if.
That's right, it's a virtual certainty that, at some point, Jules will run into her ex with another girl.
We're joined by Dr.
Jeffrey Mandlebaum, the chairman of the Running Into Your Ex department at Johns Hopkins University.
Dr.
Mandlebaum, thanks for being here.
You say the remarkable thing is, actually, that Jules hasn't run into Jeremy on a date yet.
Well, the key issues are Jeremy's increasing Bumble use coupled with the terrifying proximity of his home to Jules', not to mention the radius of their typical movements.
Now, the main danger zone extends all the way up to that Italian restaurant they both like to the coffee shop with the extremely tatted-up barista.
But we can't rule out run-ins over an even larger radius, perhaps even as far as that unbelievably cute little bar on Third Street and the movie theater that serves wine.
And Congress has done nothing to address this? That's unfortunately true.
But the scarier thing is what people aren't doing for themselves.
Surveys show that more than 80% of recently broken-up-with people don't have a plan for the big one.
And now in an exclusive interview, we have Jules Wiley herself.
Jules, what have you done to prepare for the big one? Um, I'm just kinda hoping I can avoid it.
This is typical of the nonsense that I hear from uninformed exes every day.
Makes me question why I even became a scientist.
Hey, I could be the one on the date.
You don't know.
There you have it.
The kind of insane delusional thinking that is, to me, a searing indictment of the state of Jules' preparation for the big one and perhaps of her very right to exist.
Our story when we come back: is sexting getting hotter? And if so, is the cause man-made? You're each a rare and special gem in my life.
So if any one of you die in a natural disaster because you were unprepared, I will literally find a way to revive you and then kill you.
Oh.
Ha.
That was very sweet almost.
All right, everyone take notes.
You are only allowed to die when Madison gives you permission to.
Okay, that minor earthquake could be an indication that a bigger one is coming.
Having a well-packed earthquake kit is the only thing that can save you, which is why I need to make sure all of yours are up to code.
Izzy? Okay.
Izzy, you're supposed to pack non-perishable food.
I thought in an emergency you want to save foods that could perish.
False.
Jules? This isn't a kit.
It's the items they provide for you at a woman's prison.
For free? Literally, what would any of you do without me? Stella? Uh, yeah, so I was gonna make one, but then I decided I really didn't want to.
I always love you, but sometimes I don't like you.
Madison, you're stressing about something you have no control over.
Look, I never worry about stuff, and somehow it always works out.
How am I supposed to go to sleep at night knowing one of my best friends is out there completely unprepared? Wine and Ambien.
They work best in combination.
Okay, you all failed and are now crawling around a post-earthquake mayhem, offering hand jobs for stale candy bars.
This is how it's done.
Paleo canned food items.
Miniatures of my entire skin care routine.
Nine vacuum-sealed outfits ranging from casual chic to black-tie optional.
A female-centric first-aid kit where everything is scented.
And some may say this is overkill a flashlight.
Um, why would you need formal-wear after an earthquake? If Brad Pitt comes to rebuild your house, what will you be wearing? Uh, Madison, why do you have my passport I lost four years ago when I was supposed to go base-jumping in Bhutan with Jaden Smith? Oh, gosh, I don't know! How did that get in there? Anyway, how cute is this little jar? I just I love it when they take normal-sized things and make them smaller.
Don't you love that? Madison, stop trying to distract me.
I'm not four years old.
Of course you're not! Anyway, that is my kit.
I missed going on that trip because I couldn't find my passport.
- Why did you take it? - Ugh.
Fine.
You know how you said things always "somehow" work out for you? Meet Somehow.
It's me.
Behind the scenes, pulling the strings, making sure all my precious little dolls stay in mint condition.
Well, I'm gonna draw the line at precious dolls.
I'd just like to point out that someone's being weirder than I am right now.
Whatever.
Look, I intervene to keep you safe from time to time.
Time to time? When else have you done this? Madison, tell me when else you've done this, or the La Mer's gonna get it.
You wouldn't! It's a mini and it's still $300 a jar! Just tell her! Just tell her! All right! All right.
I took the Dan Hackett glove.
Okay, shut your mouth and start talking.
MADISON: Here.
Happy? Okay, what's going on with this glove? - Look, I can explain - I find people talking about stories I'm not a part of to be very triggering of middle school.
You're literally going to find out this second.
So, we went on this ski trip last year and got stuck on this chair lift with this guy Stella thought was nice.
But we didn't have our phones, so he wrote his number on Stella's glove.
Which I thought I lost.
But if the glove fits I just had a teeny tiny nagging feeling that the guy was 100% a sociopath.
He was unbelievably sweet.
- You just have to trust me on this.
- No.
I don't trust you on this.
You don't make my decisions for me.
Okay? I am a grown woman.
And my decisions will be made solely by the universe.
In fact, I'm gonna call him right now and invite him to pregame with us before Santa-Con tomorrow.
At my home?! Oh, you are not! Too late.
It's already ringing.
So, are we, like, married to the Santa-Con plan? Because that's Jeremy's absolute favorite Christmas-themed bar crawl, and I really don't want to run into him.
I mean, what if he's there with a girl? We're going.
Look, this is a class-A Gram-able event, and the only girls at Santa-Con you need to worry about are in this room.
I mean, and if you do run into Jeremy, it'll be under the best possible circumstances surrounded by your best friends, lookin' like sexy Santas.
Look, we will protect you.
For some reason that room-temp supermarket sushi isn't sitting right.
[HOLIDAY MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SIGHS.]
Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock Kitchen! Get in here! Pretty good, right? Did you start drinking before we got here? Maybe.
Wow, Izzy! You look - specific.
- I'm Hanukkah Harry.
That guy writing his number on the glove inspired me to write my number on challah so I can do this.
Challah at ya girl.
So, Stell, I see you came to your senses and decided not to invite Dan.
On the contrary, Dan's on his way over, and my senses are nowhere to be found.
You know what? This is gonna be a fun learning experience.
We can both learn what happens when I don't step in to protect you.
- I'm gonna propose a deal.
- Hmm.
I'm listening.
If at the end of the night you don't agree with me that Dan is a full psycho who should have been avoided, I will never intervene in your life again.
But if I'm right, you have to make an earthquake kit.
Fine.
And in the case that you're actually the full-blown psycho and Dan's a sweet guy, what unbiased judge are we gonna have make that call? My grandma was sorority sisters with Ruth Bader Ginsburg, so in terms of being a judge, it's, like, in my blood.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Hi! - Oh, wow! Hi, Stella! - You look amazing! - Thank you.
Come on in.
I was gonna bring you flowers, but on the way over I met a homeless lady who seemed like she was having a bad day.
STELLA: Oh, how sweet.
It looks like I didn't get the "dress like Santa" memo.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, Hanukkah Harry! I love that.
I'm Dan, by the way.
It's nice to meet you.
Shabbat shalom and enchanté.
Well, aren't you two becoming fast friends.
Oh, Madison, I'm sure you remember Dan.
Yeah.
It's good to see you again.
Your place is both awesome and amazing.
Oh, I certainly do remember Dan.
From the acclaimed docudrama "Creating a Killer," which investigated the brutal slaying of nursing student Lucy Gallagher - on a blind date at Panera Bread.
- Wait, what? Yeah, it's true.
It happened in my home town.
They even interviewed me for one episode as a random witness.
I guess it was my 15 minutes of fame.
Oh, Dan, you're being modest.
I'm sure your new friend Izzy here would love to know more about the case.
Which, to this day, remains unsolved.
Well, as a non-partisan listener of this story, I'd love to know more details, please.
- Oh, we don't have to - The Bread Bowl Killing.
An unidentified suspect joined Lucy at Panera Bread where they shared a clam chowder bread bowl that sadly would be her last.
Hours later, Lucy's body was found dismembered in a dumpster behind the restaurant.
Oh, my God, that's so gross! They were sharing soup? Ugh! Police have reason to believe that the mystery man who ate from that doughy dish is the very killer who sent her to her grain-based grave.
Madison, that's what this is about? You're seriously implying that Dan killed someone based off of a murder show that you binged? DAN: Look, Stella, it's okay.
I understand.
People get really into these true crime stories.
But since you brought it up, I actually have celiac disease.
So, even the smallest amount of gluten will make me violently ill.
Well, Dan, call me a superfan, but, uh If you have celiac disease, then what was your car doing outside of a Panera Bread in the first place? They never explained it on the show.
Oh, well, I was just running errands.
You see, ever since my mom lost her second job, I've had to pick up the slack around the house and help out with my mee-moo.
That's my Grandma.
Are you a living angel? STELLA: That's right, Iz.
You could say that Dan embodies the Christmas spirit and all things good.
I mean, thank goodness I called him to reconnect.
DAN: I'll cheers to that.
Why don't we have some of these egg nog shots? - [CHUCKLING.]
- STELLA: Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna go see where Jules is.
- More for us.
[LAUGHING.]
- Yeah! - JULES: Hello? - MADISON: [ON PHONE.]
Jules? - JULES: Hey.
- Where are you? I'm sorry.
I had to drop off a gift basket at this silent auction charity thing at the museum for Woom.
[SIGHS.]
You know what? Now that I think about it, it's gonna take me, like, 45 minutes to get to you, so, maybe I should just head home after this.
MADISON: Oh, you are being so crazy! Look, I need you to help me convince Izzy to convince Stella that Stella's date is a murderer.
JULES: I'm sorry.
What were you saying about me being crazy? Look, I'll explain it all to you when you get here.
But trust me, you are not going to run into Jeremy at Santa-con.
- Uh, you're right.
- Thanks.
Wait, that was too easy.
Why? Because he's here.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
With a girl.
- [MUSEUM RUMBLING.]
- [PATRONS SCREAMING.]
[ALARM BLARING.]
The last thing I just heard Jules say is that her fuckboy ex-boyfriend is on a fucking date at the museum.
We've got to get downtown.
Izzy, call a Lyft! - Are you okay? - Yeah.
First, we get stuck on a ski lift, and now the earth literally moves.
I must be your bad luck charm.
Oh, I guess she has that in common with the late Lucy Gallagher, who was just two credits shy from getting her nursing degree.
Honestly, Madison, your memory for this stuff is incredible.
Mmm, Madison's like an elephant except a lot smaller and easier to harm.
Okay, I got one.
Outside in two minutes.
Let's go.
[SIRENS WAILING.]
[BELLS JINGLING.]
Here for Izzy? Uh, what the fuck is that? - It's a Lyft.
- No, Lyfts have doors.
And engines.
And an aux cord.
Well, I'll have you know this is registered with the app and technically meets all the requirements.
But if you want music, I do carol for tips.
Izzy, cancel this asshole and get another car.
It says no other cars are available.
Is anyone sober enough to drive? Looks like the earthquake took out all the traffic lights or something.
It's bumper-to-bumper out there.
Unless, of course, you don't have a bumper.
[CHUCKLING.]
Nice.
Good one.
- [SIGHS.]
- All right.
You guys, we've got to get Jules! Come on! Well, Mrs.
Claus, looks like I'm your Christmas miracle.
[HOLIDAY MUSIC PLAYING.]
- This is fun.
- [CHUCKLES.]
MADISON: Is this seriously how fast it goes? [PHONE LINE RINGING.]
I believe in I believe in MADISON: [OVER PHONE.]
Jules, talk to me.
What's happening? Oh, you know, not much.
My ex-boyfriend is on a date with an individual I can only assume is a Victoria's Secret Model, and there was a giant earthquake that caused the museum to go into emergency lock-down.
Also, I'm dressed like a mall Santa.
A mall Santa? What happened to the costume I sent you a link for? Well, I opened the link, but then I got this one instead because it had pockets.
It's a fucking disaster.
Okay, listen to me.
It's not that bad.
We're on our way to you now.
And in the meantime, find a place to hide, and we'll be there soon.
[VARIOUS ANIMAL SOUND EFFECTS PLAYING.]
RECORDED GUIDE: The male of the species would choose the most desirable mate for reproduction, leaving the less desirable females outside the protection of the tribe.
- [LION GROWLING.]
- [CAVE JULES SCREAMING.]
- MALE VOICE: Where are you going? - FEMALE VOICE: I'm exploring.
MALE VOICE: Are you trying to get is in trouble? If you set off an alarm, I'm running for it.
FEMALE VOICE: You wouldn't! - MALE: Can you run in those heels? - FEMALE: [GIGGLING.]
Watch me! [JULES GROANS.]
- Hey, come back here! - Never! Looks like we're definitely missing our dinner reservations.
Well, at least we're getting a private tour.
JEREMY: So, what should we do now? RECORDED GUIDE: Bone, the building block of the vertebrae organism.
Ugh, this can't be happening! - JEREMY: I know.
It's crazy, right? - GIRL: What? GUARD: Hey! You and your wife need to get back to the main lobby! It's only been a month, but message received.
Well, you're obviously a great couple, but we're rounding everyone up for a head count.
[HOLIDAY MUSIC PLAYING.]
It's going to be a happy Christmas Day I'm sorry, Stella.
I have to give this one to Izzy.
Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" is my number one holiday jam.
Marry him.
Madison, I'm sure this must be hard for you.
But just think of it this way: you don't have to get me a Christmas gift this year.
Because winning this bet is the only thing I want.
- Oh, look what I have here! - [GASPS.]
Is it the Mariah video? No, actually.
It's a list of retailers in the Panera Bread strip mall where Dan's car was mysteriously parked.
You were doing errands, right? Let's see, there's Sassy Nails, Stubby's Dog Wash and Groomer, and Chuck E.
Cheese.
Okay, we're gonna need to make a quick stop to the nearest mental hospital.
It's okay, Stella.
It was so many years ago.
Nobody can remember what errands they run a couple of years ago, right? Well, those are all the stores, Dan.
And I guess I just find it hard to believe that you don't remember getting a pedicure, owning a dog, or having a child.
Unless, of course, you were lying about not being at Panera Bread.
I don't know.
What do you think, Izzy? You do make a lot of strong points.
Izzy, what happened to "marry him"? Well, nine times out of ten, it's the husband who did it.
[CAR HORNS HONKING.]
[PANTING.]
[GROANING.]
Not a breathable fabric.
Oh, my God! I look like a mess! [GASPS.]
Do I look terrible? You? Uh, no, you don't look terrible.
You look upsettingly attractive.
Really? I mean I borrowed this dress from my roommate the last minute.
You know when you just don't feel good in what you're wearing? Um I suppose I can imagine what that feels like.
You know, I think I'm just nervous, 'cause I'm dating this guy that I really like and I got tickets for this thing through work.
And I was just worried he was gonna think this was really lame, but he's been really sweet about coming to this thing.
And then we get trapped here because of an earthquake? I mean, what are the chances? Astronomically low, and yet, somehow, this is the situation which we find ourselves.
You know, it's just really nice to be dating a guy who's, like, excited to come to a museum instead of getting drunk in a sports bar or something, you know? He was? [WATER RUNNING.]
Yeah, that's definitely unexpected.
I should go.
I don't want him to think I'm pooping.
Oh.
Thank you so much.
Ha! Thank you for visiting the bathroom! Where I work.
And if you look to your right, you'll see LA's famous La Brea Tar Pits.
Ooh! - [PHONE RINGING.]
- Oh! Okay, Jules, what's the situation? Well, I'm still trapped in this museum, trapped in an alternate reality where Jeremy likes museums, trapped in a layer of polyester designed for outdoor gift distribution, not to mention they have the fucking Sherlock Holmes of museum security guards hunting down stragglers.
It's only a matter of time before Jeremy sees me like this.
Okay, Jules, I am not gonna let that happen.
Now, where are you and what do we have to work with? Uh, let's see fossil kits, astronaut ice cream, scissors where the handle is a dinosaur's mouth.
Okay, I think I've seen enough "Project Runway" to get you through this.
Now, here's what you have to do.
RUPAUL: Stroll down the runway Another pay day Cover of magazines And when they see me They want to be me I am a fantasy Cover girl! Put the bass in your walk Head to toe let your whole body talk Walk Now walk, uh Walk Now walk And cover girl! Put the bass in your walk Head to toe let your whole body talk Cover girl! Put the bass in your walk Jules, hi! - Hey, Jeremy.
How's it going? - [CROWD GASPING.]
Miss, you're being detained for looting during a museum disaster.
Whoa.
What are you doing? She works here! Nice to see you again.
MADISON: Knees up, reindeer.
[PANTING.]
I've gone nine miles! Nine down and one to go.
If anyone needs provisions, I've got challah to spare.
Don't worry.
The permanent marker is okay to eat.
Izzy, stop stalling.
It's time to come down with a verdict now that you've had a chance to review the unbelievably convincing evidence.
- Did you say "verdict"? - Jesus, Madison.
I almost wish he did kill someone just to get you to shut up.
For the record, I haven't killed anyone.
MADISON: Oh, I will happily shut up when I win the bet and watch you put together your earthquake kit.
Well you know what? I won't even need an earthquake kit when I move to the East Coast next year.
What the hell are you talking about? I applied to a bunch of business schools on the East Coast.
So, if I get in, I'm moving.
Wait, how could you not tell me that? Because you always try to control everything I do in my life because you think I'm an idiot.
Sorry, that's not the vote of confidence I needed when I'm already worried enough about getting in.
Um, guys? MADISON: Of course I don't think you're an idiot.
Look, I think you're amazing.
The reason I intervene is because if something were to happen to you that I could have prevented, I wouldn't be okay.
- Guys! - I know it makes you feel good to be in control of everything, but if you just trusted yourself a little bit more, you wouldn't have to worry so much.
Guys! Uh, Dan? What are you doing? Well, I just figured this is a bit of a friendship tiff, so I'm just gonna give you some space and let you guys work it out.
I thought you said you had celiac disease.
And that's why you couldn't be the Bread Bowl Killer.
Stella, come on.
I was just absent-mindedly having some.
You know, absent-minded bread.
Seriously, I didn't even realize I was eating.
- You guys are being crazy! - No one is being crazy.
We're all being very calm.
DAN: Why are you guys acting so scared? I didn't do anything wrong.
I didn't kill anyone.
I mean, look at me.
Do I look like somebody who could kill someone? All right.
All right, fine.
Madison, you were right.
I did know where I was that night.
You wanna know the truth? Huh? You want that confession you've been angling for all day? I wasn't there that night.
Because I was masturbating in my car.
- I'm sorry, did you just say - Look, the Panera Bread, right? You said there was a Chuck E.
Cheese.
Dan, don't say anything you might regret.
I have a very normal fetish.
In fact, there's hundreds of us in my Reddit group.
- Oh, Jesus! - What is happening? I am sexually attracted to mascot characters.
There.
I said it.
That's my big secret.
So, you see, I couldn't have killed Lucy.
Because I was in my car parked outside of a Chuck E.
Cheese pleasuring myself to completion.
Feels really good to share that with you guys.
Thank you for not judging me.
Anyway, I really can't wait to meet your friend, Jules.
[LAUGHING.]
DRIVER: I'm really not supposed to let you do this.
- She's got it.
- Soul Cycle.
First row, baby! - Time to save our girl.
- And tap it back! DAN: Excuse me, do you know where the nearest Build-a-Bear is? Ma'am, it's still America in here.
You promised me a phone call.
Just me.
Oh.
Is that a prison shiv? This thing is cutting off the circulation to my wrists, okay? No, it's it's very resourceful.
I just I feel like I should be looking around for toilet wine.
I'm sorry, did you come all the way down here just to make fun of me? I couldn't resist a captive audience.
Okay.
No, no, no, keep going.
This is great.
I mean, running into you on a date with a supermodel wasn't bad enough.
Jules, she's not a supermodel.
Aw, she's not? Well, I mean, she's a model, but it's, like, mostly Instagram stuff.
God, Jeremy.
What are you even doing here? I thought if I was gonna run into you it would be at SantaCon.
Was that today? I - You really wanted to go? - I really, really wanted to go, yeah.
Why are you at a museum charity event? You hate this kind of thing.
I'm here because of February 3rd.
- February 3rd? - Yeah, free museum day.
You remember? You made a huge deal about how all the museums in L.
A.
are free and you really wanted us to go, but then Cam had people over for beer pong and we did that instead.
You didn't say anything, but I could tell you were bummed and I always felt guilty about that so when Melyssa asked me to go to this thing, I just I don't know, I just thought I should - try harder than I used to.
- Wow.
I didn't realize you felt bad about that.
Wait.
Why were you gonna be at SantaCon? I guess 'cause of February 3rd.
MADISON: Wait.
That was the day I shouldn't have watched my boyfriend play beer pong with his friends and just called my friends and gone to a museum with them.
- She's got this.
- Yeah, she does.
Instead, I neglected them and resented you.
So, that's why SantaCon.
Well, I'm happy for you.
Yeah.
Me too.
- All right, ma'am.
- MADISON: Jules Don't say a word.
If you don't release this woman right now, you are sitting on the biggest museum PR disaster since the Vandermeer Gallery tried to cover the breasts in a Picasso.
She was bringing gifts to a charity fundraiser at Christmastime! This is a war on charity, a war on giving! And it's a Starbucks-red-cupping, happy-holidays-saying, carol-censoring, Santa-slaying war on Christmas! I also left 40 bucks on the gift shop counter.
Oh, you did? Well, that stuff doesn't cost 40 bucks.
You're free to go.
We'll send you your change.
It was good running into you.
- Hey, you good? - Yeah, I'm good.
But thank you, guys, for coming to get me in this, uh, not-a-car.
- Of course! - Ugh, today has been insane.
But what matters is we survived.
Everyone except for Lucy Gallagher, may she rest in peace.
- Wait.
Who? - MADISON: The Bread Bowl Killer.
The brutal slaying of nursing student Lucy Gallagher at Panera Bread, which to this day remains unsolved.
- An unidentified suspect - STELLA: Hey, can you stop with that? MADISON: Oh, you're just mad because I won.
JULES: Someone catch me up here.
IZZY: It's really just that classic case of masturbation vs.
murder when you're trying to decide if a guy is a good person or not.
Oh All the little children and all the big children It's Christmas (in L.
A.
) All the ladies and all the little babies They were singing in the round (in L.
A.
) Even the gentlemen, every single one of them Christmas (in L.
A.
) All the little children and all the big children It's Christmas (in L.
A.
) All the ladies and all the little babies It's Christmas
Picking up for Jules? CASHIER: Jules.
I've got a single chicken kebab plate, single salad, and a single slice of pie.
How many utensils would you like? Um, two sets please.
- You don't have to do that for me.
- HOSTESS: Jeremy! Party of two! [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
Right this way, Mr.
and Mrs.
Jeremy.
[RESTAURANT RUMBLING.]
DINER: Should we get on the floor? Whoa! That was insane! Yeah, little earthquake.
That's L.
A.
for ya.
Mmm.
[BELL RINGING.]
- A.
D.
: Quiet on the set! - I gotta get you mic'd up! - You're on in 20 seconds! - On? What am I on? They told you this piece is live, right? - [NEWS THEME PLAYING.]
- The big one is coming.
Scientists say it's a matter of when not if.
That's right, it's a virtual certainty that, at some point, Jules will run into her ex with another girl.
We're joined by Dr.
Jeffrey Mandlebaum, the chairman of the Running Into Your Ex department at Johns Hopkins University.
Dr.
Mandlebaum, thanks for being here.
You say the remarkable thing is, actually, that Jules hasn't run into Jeremy on a date yet.
Well, the key issues are Jeremy's increasing Bumble use coupled with the terrifying proximity of his home to Jules', not to mention the radius of their typical movements.
Now, the main danger zone extends all the way up to that Italian restaurant they both like to the coffee shop with the extremely tatted-up barista.
But we can't rule out run-ins over an even larger radius, perhaps even as far as that unbelievably cute little bar on Third Street and the movie theater that serves wine.
And Congress has done nothing to address this? That's unfortunately true.
But the scarier thing is what people aren't doing for themselves.
Surveys show that more than 80% of recently broken-up-with people don't have a plan for the big one.
And now in an exclusive interview, we have Jules Wiley herself.
Jules, what have you done to prepare for the big one? Um, I'm just kinda hoping I can avoid it.
This is typical of the nonsense that I hear from uninformed exes every day.
Makes me question why I even became a scientist.
Hey, I could be the one on the date.
You don't know.
There you have it.
The kind of insane delusional thinking that is, to me, a searing indictment of the state of Jules' preparation for the big one and perhaps of her very right to exist.
Our story when we come back: is sexting getting hotter? And if so, is the cause man-made? You're each a rare and special gem in my life.
So if any one of you die in a natural disaster because you were unprepared, I will literally find a way to revive you and then kill you.
Oh.
Ha.
That was very sweet almost.
All right, everyone take notes.
You are only allowed to die when Madison gives you permission to.
Okay, that minor earthquake could be an indication that a bigger one is coming.
Having a well-packed earthquake kit is the only thing that can save you, which is why I need to make sure all of yours are up to code.
Izzy? Okay.
Izzy, you're supposed to pack non-perishable food.
I thought in an emergency you want to save foods that could perish.
False.
Jules? This isn't a kit.
It's the items they provide for you at a woman's prison.
For free? Literally, what would any of you do without me? Stella? Uh, yeah, so I was gonna make one, but then I decided I really didn't want to.
I always love you, but sometimes I don't like you.
Madison, you're stressing about something you have no control over.
Look, I never worry about stuff, and somehow it always works out.
How am I supposed to go to sleep at night knowing one of my best friends is out there completely unprepared? Wine and Ambien.
They work best in combination.
Okay, you all failed and are now crawling around a post-earthquake mayhem, offering hand jobs for stale candy bars.
This is how it's done.
Paleo canned food items.
Miniatures of my entire skin care routine.
Nine vacuum-sealed outfits ranging from casual chic to black-tie optional.
A female-centric first-aid kit where everything is scented.
And some may say this is overkill a flashlight.
Um, why would you need formal-wear after an earthquake? If Brad Pitt comes to rebuild your house, what will you be wearing? Uh, Madison, why do you have my passport I lost four years ago when I was supposed to go base-jumping in Bhutan with Jaden Smith? Oh, gosh, I don't know! How did that get in there? Anyway, how cute is this little jar? I just I love it when they take normal-sized things and make them smaller.
Don't you love that? Madison, stop trying to distract me.
I'm not four years old.
Of course you're not! Anyway, that is my kit.
I missed going on that trip because I couldn't find my passport.
- Why did you take it? - Ugh.
Fine.
You know how you said things always "somehow" work out for you? Meet Somehow.
It's me.
Behind the scenes, pulling the strings, making sure all my precious little dolls stay in mint condition.
Well, I'm gonna draw the line at precious dolls.
I'd just like to point out that someone's being weirder than I am right now.
Whatever.
Look, I intervene to keep you safe from time to time.
Time to time? When else have you done this? Madison, tell me when else you've done this, or the La Mer's gonna get it.
You wouldn't! It's a mini and it's still $300 a jar! Just tell her! Just tell her! All right! All right.
I took the Dan Hackett glove.
Okay, shut your mouth and start talking.
MADISON: Here.
Happy? Okay, what's going on with this glove? - Look, I can explain - I find people talking about stories I'm not a part of to be very triggering of middle school.
You're literally going to find out this second.
So, we went on this ski trip last year and got stuck on this chair lift with this guy Stella thought was nice.
But we didn't have our phones, so he wrote his number on Stella's glove.
Which I thought I lost.
But if the glove fits I just had a teeny tiny nagging feeling that the guy was 100% a sociopath.
He was unbelievably sweet.
- You just have to trust me on this.
- No.
I don't trust you on this.
You don't make my decisions for me.
Okay? I am a grown woman.
And my decisions will be made solely by the universe.
In fact, I'm gonna call him right now and invite him to pregame with us before Santa-Con tomorrow.
At my home?! Oh, you are not! Too late.
It's already ringing.
So, are we, like, married to the Santa-Con plan? Because that's Jeremy's absolute favorite Christmas-themed bar crawl, and I really don't want to run into him.
I mean, what if he's there with a girl? We're going.
Look, this is a class-A Gram-able event, and the only girls at Santa-Con you need to worry about are in this room.
I mean, and if you do run into Jeremy, it'll be under the best possible circumstances surrounded by your best friends, lookin' like sexy Santas.
Look, we will protect you.
For some reason that room-temp supermarket sushi isn't sitting right.
[HOLIDAY MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SIGHS.]
Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock Kitchen! Get in here! Pretty good, right? Did you start drinking before we got here? Maybe.
Wow, Izzy! You look - specific.
- I'm Hanukkah Harry.
That guy writing his number on the glove inspired me to write my number on challah so I can do this.
Challah at ya girl.
So, Stell, I see you came to your senses and decided not to invite Dan.
On the contrary, Dan's on his way over, and my senses are nowhere to be found.
You know what? This is gonna be a fun learning experience.
We can both learn what happens when I don't step in to protect you.
- I'm gonna propose a deal.
- Hmm.
I'm listening.
If at the end of the night you don't agree with me that Dan is a full psycho who should have been avoided, I will never intervene in your life again.
But if I'm right, you have to make an earthquake kit.
Fine.
And in the case that you're actually the full-blown psycho and Dan's a sweet guy, what unbiased judge are we gonna have make that call? My grandma was sorority sisters with Ruth Bader Ginsburg, so in terms of being a judge, it's, like, in my blood.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Hi! - Oh, wow! Hi, Stella! - You look amazing! - Thank you.
Come on in.
I was gonna bring you flowers, but on the way over I met a homeless lady who seemed like she was having a bad day.
STELLA: Oh, how sweet.
It looks like I didn't get the "dress like Santa" memo.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, Hanukkah Harry! I love that.
I'm Dan, by the way.
It's nice to meet you.
Shabbat shalom and enchanté.
Well, aren't you two becoming fast friends.
Oh, Madison, I'm sure you remember Dan.
Yeah.
It's good to see you again.
Your place is both awesome and amazing.
Oh, I certainly do remember Dan.
From the acclaimed docudrama "Creating a Killer," which investigated the brutal slaying of nursing student Lucy Gallagher - on a blind date at Panera Bread.
- Wait, what? Yeah, it's true.
It happened in my home town.
They even interviewed me for one episode as a random witness.
I guess it was my 15 minutes of fame.
Oh, Dan, you're being modest.
I'm sure your new friend Izzy here would love to know more about the case.
Which, to this day, remains unsolved.
Well, as a non-partisan listener of this story, I'd love to know more details, please.
- Oh, we don't have to - The Bread Bowl Killing.
An unidentified suspect joined Lucy at Panera Bread where they shared a clam chowder bread bowl that sadly would be her last.
Hours later, Lucy's body was found dismembered in a dumpster behind the restaurant.
Oh, my God, that's so gross! They were sharing soup? Ugh! Police have reason to believe that the mystery man who ate from that doughy dish is the very killer who sent her to her grain-based grave.
Madison, that's what this is about? You're seriously implying that Dan killed someone based off of a murder show that you binged? DAN: Look, Stella, it's okay.
I understand.
People get really into these true crime stories.
But since you brought it up, I actually have celiac disease.
So, even the smallest amount of gluten will make me violently ill.
Well, Dan, call me a superfan, but, uh If you have celiac disease, then what was your car doing outside of a Panera Bread in the first place? They never explained it on the show.
Oh, well, I was just running errands.
You see, ever since my mom lost her second job, I've had to pick up the slack around the house and help out with my mee-moo.
That's my Grandma.
Are you a living angel? STELLA: That's right, Iz.
You could say that Dan embodies the Christmas spirit and all things good.
I mean, thank goodness I called him to reconnect.
DAN: I'll cheers to that.
Why don't we have some of these egg nog shots? - [CHUCKLING.]
- STELLA: Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna go see where Jules is.
- More for us.
[LAUGHING.]
- Yeah! - JULES: Hello? - MADISON: [ON PHONE.]
Jules? - JULES: Hey.
- Where are you? I'm sorry.
I had to drop off a gift basket at this silent auction charity thing at the museum for Woom.
[SIGHS.]
You know what? Now that I think about it, it's gonna take me, like, 45 minutes to get to you, so, maybe I should just head home after this.
MADISON: Oh, you are being so crazy! Look, I need you to help me convince Izzy to convince Stella that Stella's date is a murderer.
JULES: I'm sorry.
What were you saying about me being crazy? Look, I'll explain it all to you when you get here.
But trust me, you are not going to run into Jeremy at Santa-con.
- Uh, you're right.
- Thanks.
Wait, that was too easy.
Why? Because he's here.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
With a girl.
- [MUSEUM RUMBLING.]
- [PATRONS SCREAMING.]
[ALARM BLARING.]
The last thing I just heard Jules say is that her fuckboy ex-boyfriend is on a fucking date at the museum.
We've got to get downtown.
Izzy, call a Lyft! - Are you okay? - Yeah.
First, we get stuck on a ski lift, and now the earth literally moves.
I must be your bad luck charm.
Oh, I guess she has that in common with the late Lucy Gallagher, who was just two credits shy from getting her nursing degree.
Honestly, Madison, your memory for this stuff is incredible.
Mmm, Madison's like an elephant except a lot smaller and easier to harm.
Okay, I got one.
Outside in two minutes.
Let's go.
[SIRENS WAILING.]
[BELLS JINGLING.]
Here for Izzy? Uh, what the fuck is that? - It's a Lyft.
- No, Lyfts have doors.
And engines.
And an aux cord.
Well, I'll have you know this is registered with the app and technically meets all the requirements.
But if you want music, I do carol for tips.
Izzy, cancel this asshole and get another car.
It says no other cars are available.
Is anyone sober enough to drive? Looks like the earthquake took out all the traffic lights or something.
It's bumper-to-bumper out there.
Unless, of course, you don't have a bumper.
[CHUCKLING.]
Nice.
Good one.
- [SIGHS.]
- All right.
You guys, we've got to get Jules! Come on! Well, Mrs.
Claus, looks like I'm your Christmas miracle.
[HOLIDAY MUSIC PLAYING.]
- This is fun.
- [CHUCKLES.]
MADISON: Is this seriously how fast it goes? [PHONE LINE RINGING.]
I believe in I believe in MADISON: [OVER PHONE.]
Jules, talk to me.
What's happening? Oh, you know, not much.
My ex-boyfriend is on a date with an individual I can only assume is a Victoria's Secret Model, and there was a giant earthquake that caused the museum to go into emergency lock-down.
Also, I'm dressed like a mall Santa.
A mall Santa? What happened to the costume I sent you a link for? Well, I opened the link, but then I got this one instead because it had pockets.
It's a fucking disaster.
Okay, listen to me.
It's not that bad.
We're on our way to you now.
And in the meantime, find a place to hide, and we'll be there soon.
[VARIOUS ANIMAL SOUND EFFECTS PLAYING.]
RECORDED GUIDE: The male of the species would choose the most desirable mate for reproduction, leaving the less desirable females outside the protection of the tribe.
- [LION GROWLING.]
- [CAVE JULES SCREAMING.]
- MALE VOICE: Where are you going? - FEMALE VOICE: I'm exploring.
MALE VOICE: Are you trying to get is in trouble? If you set off an alarm, I'm running for it.
FEMALE VOICE: You wouldn't! - MALE: Can you run in those heels? - FEMALE: [GIGGLING.]
Watch me! [JULES GROANS.]
- Hey, come back here! - Never! Looks like we're definitely missing our dinner reservations.
Well, at least we're getting a private tour.
JEREMY: So, what should we do now? RECORDED GUIDE: Bone, the building block of the vertebrae organism.
Ugh, this can't be happening! - JEREMY: I know.
It's crazy, right? - GIRL: What? GUARD: Hey! You and your wife need to get back to the main lobby! It's only been a month, but message received.
Well, you're obviously a great couple, but we're rounding everyone up for a head count.
[HOLIDAY MUSIC PLAYING.]
It's going to be a happy Christmas Day I'm sorry, Stella.
I have to give this one to Izzy.
Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" is my number one holiday jam.
Marry him.
Madison, I'm sure this must be hard for you.
But just think of it this way: you don't have to get me a Christmas gift this year.
Because winning this bet is the only thing I want.
- Oh, look what I have here! - [GASPS.]
Is it the Mariah video? No, actually.
It's a list of retailers in the Panera Bread strip mall where Dan's car was mysteriously parked.
You were doing errands, right? Let's see, there's Sassy Nails, Stubby's Dog Wash and Groomer, and Chuck E.
Cheese.
Okay, we're gonna need to make a quick stop to the nearest mental hospital.
It's okay, Stella.
It was so many years ago.
Nobody can remember what errands they run a couple of years ago, right? Well, those are all the stores, Dan.
And I guess I just find it hard to believe that you don't remember getting a pedicure, owning a dog, or having a child.
Unless, of course, you were lying about not being at Panera Bread.
I don't know.
What do you think, Izzy? You do make a lot of strong points.
Izzy, what happened to "marry him"? Well, nine times out of ten, it's the husband who did it.
[CAR HORNS HONKING.]
[PANTING.]
[GROANING.]
Not a breathable fabric.
Oh, my God! I look like a mess! [GASPS.]
Do I look terrible? You? Uh, no, you don't look terrible.
You look upsettingly attractive.
Really? I mean I borrowed this dress from my roommate the last minute.
You know when you just don't feel good in what you're wearing? Um I suppose I can imagine what that feels like.
You know, I think I'm just nervous, 'cause I'm dating this guy that I really like and I got tickets for this thing through work.
And I was just worried he was gonna think this was really lame, but he's been really sweet about coming to this thing.
And then we get trapped here because of an earthquake? I mean, what are the chances? Astronomically low, and yet, somehow, this is the situation which we find ourselves.
You know, it's just really nice to be dating a guy who's, like, excited to come to a museum instead of getting drunk in a sports bar or something, you know? He was? [WATER RUNNING.]
Yeah, that's definitely unexpected.
I should go.
I don't want him to think I'm pooping.
Oh.
Thank you so much.
Ha! Thank you for visiting the bathroom! Where I work.
And if you look to your right, you'll see LA's famous La Brea Tar Pits.
Ooh! - [PHONE RINGING.]
- Oh! Okay, Jules, what's the situation? Well, I'm still trapped in this museum, trapped in an alternate reality where Jeremy likes museums, trapped in a layer of polyester designed for outdoor gift distribution, not to mention they have the fucking Sherlock Holmes of museum security guards hunting down stragglers.
It's only a matter of time before Jeremy sees me like this.
Okay, Jules, I am not gonna let that happen.
Now, where are you and what do we have to work with? Uh, let's see fossil kits, astronaut ice cream, scissors where the handle is a dinosaur's mouth.
Okay, I think I've seen enough "Project Runway" to get you through this.
Now, here's what you have to do.
RUPAUL: Stroll down the runway Another pay day Cover of magazines And when they see me They want to be me I am a fantasy Cover girl! Put the bass in your walk Head to toe let your whole body talk Walk Now walk, uh Walk Now walk And cover girl! Put the bass in your walk Head to toe let your whole body talk Cover girl! Put the bass in your walk Jules, hi! - Hey, Jeremy.
How's it going? - [CROWD GASPING.]
Miss, you're being detained for looting during a museum disaster.
Whoa.
What are you doing? She works here! Nice to see you again.
MADISON: Knees up, reindeer.
[PANTING.]
I've gone nine miles! Nine down and one to go.
If anyone needs provisions, I've got challah to spare.
Don't worry.
The permanent marker is okay to eat.
Izzy, stop stalling.
It's time to come down with a verdict now that you've had a chance to review the unbelievably convincing evidence.
- Did you say "verdict"? - Jesus, Madison.
I almost wish he did kill someone just to get you to shut up.
For the record, I haven't killed anyone.
MADISON: Oh, I will happily shut up when I win the bet and watch you put together your earthquake kit.
Well you know what? I won't even need an earthquake kit when I move to the East Coast next year.
What the hell are you talking about? I applied to a bunch of business schools on the East Coast.
So, if I get in, I'm moving.
Wait, how could you not tell me that? Because you always try to control everything I do in my life because you think I'm an idiot.
Sorry, that's not the vote of confidence I needed when I'm already worried enough about getting in.
Um, guys? MADISON: Of course I don't think you're an idiot.
Look, I think you're amazing.
The reason I intervene is because if something were to happen to you that I could have prevented, I wouldn't be okay.
- Guys! - I know it makes you feel good to be in control of everything, but if you just trusted yourself a little bit more, you wouldn't have to worry so much.
Guys! Uh, Dan? What are you doing? Well, I just figured this is a bit of a friendship tiff, so I'm just gonna give you some space and let you guys work it out.
I thought you said you had celiac disease.
And that's why you couldn't be the Bread Bowl Killer.
Stella, come on.
I was just absent-mindedly having some.
You know, absent-minded bread.
Seriously, I didn't even realize I was eating.
- You guys are being crazy! - No one is being crazy.
We're all being very calm.
DAN: Why are you guys acting so scared? I didn't do anything wrong.
I didn't kill anyone.
I mean, look at me.
Do I look like somebody who could kill someone? All right.
All right, fine.
Madison, you were right.
I did know where I was that night.
You wanna know the truth? Huh? You want that confession you've been angling for all day? I wasn't there that night.
Because I was masturbating in my car.
- I'm sorry, did you just say - Look, the Panera Bread, right? You said there was a Chuck E.
Cheese.
Dan, don't say anything you might regret.
I have a very normal fetish.
In fact, there's hundreds of us in my Reddit group.
- Oh, Jesus! - What is happening? I am sexually attracted to mascot characters.
There.
I said it.
That's my big secret.
So, you see, I couldn't have killed Lucy.
Because I was in my car parked outside of a Chuck E.
Cheese pleasuring myself to completion.
Feels really good to share that with you guys.
Thank you for not judging me.
Anyway, I really can't wait to meet your friend, Jules.
[LAUGHING.]
DRIVER: I'm really not supposed to let you do this.
- She's got it.
- Soul Cycle.
First row, baby! - Time to save our girl.
- And tap it back! DAN: Excuse me, do you know where the nearest Build-a-Bear is? Ma'am, it's still America in here.
You promised me a phone call.
Just me.
Oh.
Is that a prison shiv? This thing is cutting off the circulation to my wrists, okay? No, it's it's very resourceful.
I just I feel like I should be looking around for toilet wine.
I'm sorry, did you come all the way down here just to make fun of me? I couldn't resist a captive audience.
Okay.
No, no, no, keep going.
This is great.
I mean, running into you on a date with a supermodel wasn't bad enough.
Jules, she's not a supermodel.
Aw, she's not? Well, I mean, she's a model, but it's, like, mostly Instagram stuff.
God, Jeremy.
What are you even doing here? I thought if I was gonna run into you it would be at SantaCon.
Was that today? I - You really wanted to go? - I really, really wanted to go, yeah.
Why are you at a museum charity event? You hate this kind of thing.
I'm here because of February 3rd.
- February 3rd? - Yeah, free museum day.
You remember? You made a huge deal about how all the museums in L.
A.
are free and you really wanted us to go, but then Cam had people over for beer pong and we did that instead.
You didn't say anything, but I could tell you were bummed and I always felt guilty about that so when Melyssa asked me to go to this thing, I just I don't know, I just thought I should - try harder than I used to.
- Wow.
I didn't realize you felt bad about that.
Wait.
Why were you gonna be at SantaCon? I guess 'cause of February 3rd.
MADISON: Wait.
That was the day I shouldn't have watched my boyfriend play beer pong with his friends and just called my friends and gone to a museum with them.
- She's got this.
- Yeah, she does.
Instead, I neglected them and resented you.
So, that's why SantaCon.
Well, I'm happy for you.
Yeah.
Me too.
- All right, ma'am.
- MADISON: Jules Don't say a word.
If you don't release this woman right now, you are sitting on the biggest museum PR disaster since the Vandermeer Gallery tried to cover the breasts in a Picasso.
She was bringing gifts to a charity fundraiser at Christmastime! This is a war on charity, a war on giving! And it's a Starbucks-red-cupping, happy-holidays-saying, carol-censoring, Santa-slaying war on Christmas! I also left 40 bucks on the gift shop counter.
Oh, you did? Well, that stuff doesn't cost 40 bucks.
You're free to go.
We'll send you your change.
It was good running into you.
- Hey, you good? - Yeah, I'm good.
But thank you, guys, for coming to get me in this, uh, not-a-car.
- Of course! - Ugh, today has been insane.
But what matters is we survived.
Everyone except for Lucy Gallagher, may she rest in peace.
- Wait.
Who? - MADISON: The Bread Bowl Killer.
The brutal slaying of nursing student Lucy Gallagher at Panera Bread, which to this day remains unsolved.
- An unidentified suspect - STELLA: Hey, can you stop with that? MADISON: Oh, you're just mad because I won.
JULES: Someone catch me up here.
IZZY: It's really just that classic case of masturbation vs.
murder when you're trying to decide if a guy is a good person or not.
Oh All the little children and all the big children It's Christmas (in L.
A.
) All the ladies and all the little babies They were singing in the round (in L.
A.
) Even the gentlemen, every single one of them Christmas (in L.
A.
) All the little children and all the big children It's Christmas (in L.
A.
) All the ladies and all the little babies It's Christmas