Don't Even (2024) s01e06 Episode Script

BABBAGE: Yeehaw!
Hello, I'm Randall K. Babbage.
I'm here to introduce to you
the newest slab
of the Babbage Garden
Meats family--
- Lil' Beef!
- [airhorn]
Kick it!
[rapping] I'm Lil' Beef
and I'm here to say ♪
The cool kids eat
Babbage Meat ♪
It's funky fresh,
it's the best! ♪
Meats not exactly as shown.
What?
[music playing on commercial]
♪
That was fast.
When did they even film this?
Gotta love cable access, right?
Finally decided to
get highlights, huh?
What are you doing here
snarfing on my cereal?
Take it, then.
Your dad called
looking for you.
Been at Mickey's again?
- Been busy.
- Hm.
Oh, don't twist your gitch.
I'm just here to grab my stuff.
'K den.
SHELLEY: Neither of you are
leaving until you work this out!
Mom, I have to be somewhere!
SHELLEY: Well, better
hurry and make up, then!
I've locked every way out.
♪
♪
Those aren't yours.
As if I want any of this shit.
Mm
Dorm assignment.
Cool.
What, are you like a PI now?
[new wave music
playing on radio]
She cut the phone lines!
Maaaa!
Shelley!
Yo, Misery!
Can we at least
get some snacks down here?
SHELLEY: Snacks
are for sisterhood!
Damn, that's cold.
[sighs]
Fine.
I didn't mean what
I said before, okay?
But you said some
pretty messed-up shit too.
Yeah?
Well, I'm not
"following" Showboat.
'K den.
We always do
what you want to do!
It's always about you.
You know what?
Shelley wants us to make up,
so let's just act
like we made up.
[fake laughing]
What?
I want outta here
just as bad as you do!
[fake laughing]
Just friggin' do it!
[both fake laughing]
SHELLEY: Worst fake laughing
I've ever heard.
You're lucky
I have to go to work.
I'm out.
[footsteps receding
up the stairs]
[door opens and closes]
No
No, no, no, no, no, the bleach!
[monotone] "The winner of
the Stinky and the Man's
"Battle of the Bands
gets one year's supply
"of Babbage Garden Meats.
Come on, more excited.
Like, that's a buttload
of meats, man.
Meats.
A little more,
but, you know.
You look good, you look good.
Great job on the ad, son!
Thanks for stepping up.
All of us, we love
Lil' Beef!
CHERYL: Lil' Beef!
Yeah, we do.
BABBAGE: Miss Cheryl,
you promised to deliver,
and you did.
Well, Randy,
I'm all about the quality.
[both laugh]
BABBAGE: Oh, here you go.
Make sure you put
the wieners in the cannon
right before they announce it
or it'll reek.
CHERYL: Sick.
Well, Randy,
I wonder if I can, uh,
bend your gears about
another business opportunity.
- Twist my arm?
- Oh, yes, I will!
[both laugh]
You're late.
I'm not feeling this scene.
Come on, let's get out
Are you crying?
Yeah, I'm fucking crying!
My parents took
him away from me!
- Took who away?
- Langside!
My horse.
They sold him to the Archibalds
'cause I was getting in
"too much trouble."
Like, what?
I crashed dad's Jag
into one little Red Lobster
and it's lights out?
Damn, Mickey.
That sucks!
Langside's the only one
who gets me.
Who just listens
and never judges me.
Langside sounds like
a super sick horse, man.
I didn't even
get to say goodbye.
[alternative rock
playing in background]
Come on, Mickey!
Let's go jack some nerds
at Garbage Hill, then!
You love that!
Huh?
Nah.
I need a night off.
[rock music playing]
♪
♪
SHOWBOAT: Ooh,
rock goddess alert!
The Phoenix has emerged!
TYLER: Oh, well, well, well!
If it isn't my two exes.
You guys here to watch me win
Stinky and the Man's
Battle of the Bands?
- The Roids are playing?
- It's The Roid Boyz now.
With a "Z."
VIOLET: Yeah,
we're in the contest, too.
I know, I heard. Girl band.
It's a pretty good gimmick.
We're no gimmick, dude.
We're the real deal.
As if!
Me and my guy, we're on
a whole 'nother level, man.
You two should drop out now
before you embarrass yourselves.
You wanna put your money
where your mouth is?
Uh, bring it!
If you lose
No, when you lose,
we get the van back.
Hell no! I put gig money away
for that in the first place.
Okay, okay, but when we win,
she gets to keep the van
and we get all of your gear.
Uh, okay.
Easiest bet I've ever won.
STINKY: Hey, party people!
[applause]
- I hate your hair, by the way.
- Yeah.
You look like
a dumpster Limp Bizkit.
Hey.
Words hurt.
STINKY: It's the music
event of the year!
It's your girl, Stinky!
The Man's off
gettin' his back waxed.
Let's raise the roof
for our sponsors.
Babbage Garden Meats!
[applause and cheering]
We got a great show
for y'all tonight.
We got Yellow Smell.
We got Shitty Kitty.
We got The Roid Boyz.
And newcomers Ever Sick.
[applause]
Here's Babbage Garden Meats'
very own Little Beef
to announce the grand prize!
[applause and cheering]
A year's supply of tube meats.
WOMAN: I'm vegetarian,
you dick!
I don't gotta know
all your business!
Taught him that myself.
STINKY: Okay, let's give it up
for the Babbage Garden Meats
spokesmodel!
I'm not a spokesmodel!
I'm a wrestler, goddammit!
I'm The Woodtick!
Someone hit me with a chair!
Go on, bring it!
I just wanna be a wrestler!
Alright
- MAN: I'll meet you out back!
- MAN 2: I'll fight you!
He does that sometimes,
you know?
It's just normal.
STINKY: And first up,
the Roid Boyz!
Cedar, nice.
Yeah.
I thought we could use
the extra protection.
AUDIENCE: Roid Boyz!
Roid Boyz!
TYLER: Peg City!
It's ya boy Ty-ty!
Put your motherfuckin'
hands up for the Big Dog!
Peg City royalty!
SHOWBOAT: What the fuck?
All my Roid Boyz
make some noise!
That's right!
SHOWBOAT: The Roids were idiots,
but we used to play,
like, actual music.
Whatever, man.
Look, they're all noise.
We're lookin' good on the van.
When it comes to spittin',
yeah, I'm the best! ♪
You ain't nothin',
you just the rest! ♪
Ugh!
All the haters say
Dog so mean ♪
All my Roid Boyz say
Dog rhymes so clean ♪
I'm a big dog,
watch me bite ♪
I'm a big dog,
watch me bite! ♪
That's right!
I'm a big dog,
watch me bite! ♪
Big dog gonna
bark all night! ♪
Woof!
[applause and cheering]
Okay, give it up for
whatever the hell that was!
Now, let's kick it up
a notch for Ever Sick!
Yeeow!
[applause]
Look at this Jabroni.
Reminds me of the time
I gave Langside bangs,
all teased up and shit.
Looked like Nick Lachey.
TYLER: Hey, get your
earplugs, everybody.
SHOWBOAT: Hey,
let's make this count.
SHOWBOAT: Two, three, four
[playing "I Got This"]
♪
♪
♪
You might think you know me ♪
You might think
you have an idea ♪
I suggest get it
out of your head ♪
(Out of your head) ♪
I'm a time bomb,
trying to stay calm ♪
But what I really wanna do
is light the fuse and go off ♪
But you don't
need to show me ♪
Don't worry I got this ♪
Don't worry I got this ♪
There's another world
calling me, calling me ♪
No, no, not gonna
feel guilty ♪
Need to be me, honestly ♪
Oh, yeah! ♪
Life is such a bore ♪
Time to make it
so much more ♪
'Cause there's another
world calling me ♪
Don't worry I got this ♪
[applause and cheering]
SHOWBOAT: Take the lead.
♪
Take the lead.
[eerie music]
They say I'm a dreamer ♪
They say I'm always
lost in my head ♪
Also just
something else instead ♪
Yeah! ♪
I'm a big spark,
not a skidmark ♪
So what I really wanna do
is light it up and fly far ♪
But you don't
need to show me ♪
Don't worry I got this ♪
Langside?
Yeah.
Let's get outta here.
[song continues]
'Cause there's
another world calling me ♪
Don't worry, I got this ♪
Don't worry I got this ♪
Don't worry I got this ♪
Don't worry I got this! ♪
[applause and cheering]
STINKY: The winner of
Stinky and the Man's
Battle of the Bands 1998,
and the recipient
of a year's supply
of Babbage Garden's
delicious tubed meat is
The Roid Boyz.
ROID BOYZ: Yes!
SHOWBOAT: Bullshit!
STINKY: Babbage Garden Meats
Incorporated is not liable
for the ingestion of any
raw tubed meat products,
that is followed by but not
limited to engorged turds,
consumption, hysteria,
whatever the kid from
the Velveteen Rabbit had
Well, there goes my van.
Augh!
What the?
Rank!
Who's huckin' raw dogs?
Ugh!
SHOWBOAT: Let's check out
of this sausage factory.
Miss Cheryl has damn good aim,
but she was right again.
- About ?
- Listen, Tyler's my lady's son.
VIOLET: Eugh, Tupperware Donna?
The one and only.
Oh, she would have my weasel
in a plastic prison if he lost.
- Wait, you rigged the contest?
- Those chodes sucked!
You don't want a year's
worth of meat sweats!
Phew,
it's a dance with the devil.
Ask Beefy.
Look, I like what I saw
up there.
It was rough
but you've got something.
Yeah, it's kind of
our last show, though.
You know, I know
someone who's got
a bunch of motels out west.
Needs some entertainment.
Gospel Gloria bowed out.
Wait, are you--
A tour, seriously?
Have Miss Cheryl call me
to hammer out the details.
- Cheryl?
- Oh, uh
Learn some BTO covers.
BTO.
Yes!
Good thing you didn't hit
Babbage with that thing.
It's broken.
Buck up, little buddy.
Everyone has off nights.
I'll handle Babbage.
You never took
my wrestling serious.
You-- you tricked me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I saw a hustle where
we could make some scratch.
Plus, you were having fun, right?
Nah, you just think I'm some
goober you can boss around.
I thought we were friends.
We are
But I'm your manager first.
Well, then, you're fired.
Come on, bro.
What-- what about Babbage?
I can still beef it up.
Just not with you.
[sighs]
I've never
felt like that before.
It was like
nothing else mattered
but the music.
I felt
powerful.
Like I could feel every note
just flowing through my body.
And I know it sounds
cheesy, but
it felt like it was
where I'm meant to be.
Do you ever feel like that?
No.
Congrats, by the way.
[man burps]
[horse neighs]
Oh, Langside, ol' boy,
this is Harley.
He knows all the words
to Gangsta's Paradise,
don't you, boy?
Come on, Mickey,
just say goodbye
and let's get outta here, okay?
Oh, you're so fly!
I love you!
Come on, Mickey.
Let's go.
No way.
He's coming with me.
I'm gonna Free Willy him.
What?
You can't just take him.
I thought you were on my side!
I ain't never letting you go.
What are you doing, Mickey?
We share a spirit.
I'll show you.
Mickey, get down!
[hardcore punk music playing]
I'm coming for you, boy!
Remember, Langside, we are one.
Mickey, no!
Now, go, boy!
- [Langside neighs]
- Langsiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide!
[hooves galloping]
So
about me and Harley--
Don't.
Don't even.
You know,
your whole life growing up,
you thought you were
gonna play hockey.
Do you ever think about
doing something else?
I might have to now.
Oh right, your shoulder.
Well, you can come back
from that, right?
I dunno.
I mean, they're not sure.
Really?
I didn't realize.
I'm sorry.
So was it even worth it, then?
Going away,
getting recruited, and?
Um
going away wasn't the hard part.
It was coming home.
I just
I didn't think
it'd be over so soon.
But
[sighs]
Use a plate next time!
Jeez!
Oh, you're still up.
How's your packing list going?
Uh
good.
So
Ever Sick got an offer.
A tour.
Okay.
I'm not so sure about school.
Your bags are packed for school.
And now it's
music and a tour?
I know you're having fun,
but are you serious?
Uncle went on tour.
Uncle went to Kenora twice.
Come on.
You're just gonna throw
all your hard work away?
I know we need
Native doctors, okay?
I know how our people
are treated.
I just
My girl, Creator offers
us gifts for a reason.
But so do Tricksters.
You're right.
[sighs]
[knocking]
[window slides open]
- Violet!
- What?
I need your help!
Please, it's an emergency!
Quick!
VIOLET: Oh, shit.
We gotta take her to emerg.
HARLEY: Oh, we tried.
Yeah, we had to sneak out when
they called the police on us.
They said we stole a horse
and asked us what frickin' gang
we were in.
Okay, well,
her heart rate is steady.
I think it might
just be the shock.
It's actually not that bad.
I put some bear grease
and some pressure.
I think she'll be fine.
I can't believe you're helping
me after everything I said.
I was pissed
that you lied to me.
That you were
telling Mickey things
that you weren't telling me.
I couldn't keep up with you.
I didn't recognize you.
I'm sorry!
It's just like
you're out here
accomplishing shit, okay?
You're gonna be a doctor.
And I
I just--
I felt so fucking stupid
about the fake PI shit and Jay
and everything, and
Violet, I didn't even graduate.
Harley, you could have told me.
I don't know what I'm doing!
Me either.
- I didn't mean what I said!
- I'm so, so sorry!
- Langsiiiiiide!
- [shrieking]
[snoring]
MICKEY: [mumbling] Help me,
August Schellenberg
WESLEY: Now friggin'
Mickey Carp's living here--
Shh, shh, shh!
They're sleeping!
It's a long story, okay?
Want some coffee?
Oh, no, it'll
stunt my growth.
[scoffs]
Okay.
So
are we
are we cool?
Yeah.
Yeah?
[folk music playing on radio]
Don't you even think
about kissing me,
you sick pig.
[laughs]
Nah, you wish!
Anyways, I'm gonna run, so
Okay.
Peace.
And follows him
to the sea ♪
HARLEY: So, I got you something.
It's no Phoenix, but
Oh my God!
My jean jacket!
- [Harley giggles]
- Oh!
And the fabric
from our matching PJs!
And the beading
is from your grad cap.
The aunties helped
to get it done in time.
Harley!
This is
Thank you.
Try it on.
You better friggin' wear it
'cause I'll be doing chores
- till I'm dead.
- [laughs]
- Whoa
- Whoa.
This is better than the Phoenix.
- Fuck yeah!
- [laughs]
Wait
Where's your stuff?
Um
I'm not coming.
But no
But we can get you jobs.
- Bartending? Babbage, he can--
- No, no, no. No.
Violet
This is your thing.
Just come.
I can't.
But what are you gonna do?
I
I dunno.
I'll figure it out, okay?
But promise me one thing.
Anything.
Always
and I mean always
check for goddamn skidmarks!
Come here!
♪
♪
CHERYL: Aw, yeah.
I can't believe all the shit
you pulled off, scammer.
Yeah!
None of this would have
happened without you.
Yeah, we don't
gotta do all this, so
What I said when we broke up
was messed up.
You're a serious person.
Yeah
Maybe I'm too serious now,
but [laughs]
Hey, you gave me
a real kick in the arse,
so call it even.
You're the dopest
person I know.
[distant sirens]
Yeah, I don't know
about that, so
♪
♪
- [door slams]
- Oh!
HARLEY: The West is calling!
CHERYL: Uh, oh, uh
roadtrip funds.
Per diems,
as they call it in the biz.
- For real?
- I run a legit operation.
I still can't believe that
Tyler just gave the van back.
Yeah.
He just don't know it yet.
♪
♪
- VIOLET: Oh, Harley
- Yeah?
Give this to Shelley.
I was gonna mail it, but
maybe just don't be there
when she opens it.
You didn't tell her
you're bailing on school?
I was gonna call her
on the road.
Oh, shit.
Bye!
HARLEY: I love you!
♪
♪
[Langside snorts]
♪
♪
They'll be fucking back.
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪