Double Parked (2023) s01e06 Episode Script

1
Oh, that is so good.
Oh my God.
- Oh, sorry.
- It's fine, honestly.
God, you have such strong fingers for
a burnt-out little twink. Who knew?
Thank you for calling me a twink
for the first time in five years.
- You got much on for today?
- Nope. Just this haircut.
This is my last haircut for ages,
so my mental wellbeing relies on it.
- No pressure.
- Oh my God, please.
Sporty lesbians are like
my lowest maintenance clients.
Actually, I was thinking about
doing something different.
Mm, OK. Just so that we're clear, if
you ask me to give you an undercut,
I will have to escort you
off the premises.
Set an alarm for 4.13pm.
No, pm. Pm, pm, pm.
Set an alarm - 4.13pm.
- Whoa.
- Sorry.
I just got an auto-bid in for a change
table, and I am not gonna lose this one.
I thought you already
had a change table.
No, this is an over-the-cot
change table.
God, these babies - they don't
know how lucky they've got it.
Just birthed into the world,
showered in gifts.
I've already spent
thousands of dollars
and I still need to get
front packs, nappy bags
a snot sucker, which I think means you
suck snot out of their nose into your own mouth.
Oh, right, well, that's the
grossest thing I've ever heard.
- What's a front pack for?
- It's so you can carry the baby in front of you.
So you literally just push them out and then
just chuck them straight back where they were?
Yeah, apparently they really
like sleeping in there.
- I thought they slept in a cot.
- No, that's a bassinet.
- So what's a cot for?
- Well, it's for sleeping, but it's later.
So it goes bassinet, cot, single,
double, queen, king, Cali king.
- How do you know all that?
- Kardashians.
Stephanie.
What? Why is she here? I specifically
said for her not to get here till 11 o'clock.
- Hey, look, this is a surprise for Nat.
- We could still cancel it. She'd never know.
Yeah, and what do we do about my
mother who has arrived at the door very early?
- We'll just tell her you're stressed.
- I'm not stressed.
I'm just a little bit not relaxed.
But we are gonna do this,
because it's for Nat,
and she is gonna love it and we are
all gonna have a very good time.
But I do apologise in advance
for my mum being a total bitch.
- Sweet as.
- I'm coming!
A bit not stressed
She's gonna blow her top.
- Happy baby shower!
- We're here.
- Yeah. You're both here
- very early.
Yes. Rosie wanted to get
here early to help decorate.
- Oh no. It's just gonna be really casual.
- We're not gonna do decorations or anything.
You can't have a baby shower
without a few decorations.
Don't worry. The balloons
are biodegradable.
Well, we'll all be able to sleep
tonight with a clear conscience.
Hello there, future grandchild.
OK, here you go.
Your ankles haven't swollen up
too much, which is good.
I was terrified to get my mother's
ankles when I was pregnant.
Used to rotate them up
in the air every morning.
OK, Mum, you shouldn't comment
on women's bodies, like, ever,
but including when they're pregnant.
- I said you were looking good.
- Your face hasn't even got too puffy.
Now, look, I told Ned I was
having minor heart surgery today
so she wouldn't call
and ruin her surprise.
And look! I had them screen-printed
by that angry man in the mall.
Do you like it? Don't worry.
I've got us all one.
I've also got
some games planned.
Nothing too intense.
Just a bit of silly fun.
Come on, Johnny.
Let's find a large bucket,
and then we'll get the
rest of the balloons up.
- That's it. I think it's time.
- I think it's time for curtain bangs.
No. I make all my customers do a
psych test before committing to bangs.
Oh, OK. I just don't want anything
that makes me look like a mum, you know?
- No, no, no. We can do, like, MILF.
- Yeah, exactly.
Curtain bangs, don't you reckon?
Bangs are so fussy, you will not cope
with them. You barely brush your hair.
- OK, well, what about just, like-
- Like a straight-across bang?
- What did Steph say?
- It doesn't matter what Steph says. It's my hair.
- Right. She said no.
- I decide what I do with my hair.
OK? And I've decided
that I want bangs.
- Bang me.
- I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna give you one minute to decide
if you're gonna betray your girlfriend or not,
and I'll get you a drink.
What do you want?
I can do coffee, tea, milk, juice
- Coff- did you say coffee?
- Mm-hm.
I haven't had coffee for,
like, six months.
Steph not here You know what?
This is the last day I'm gonna have
to myself for, like, the next 18 years,
and by golly
I am gonna sip on a coffee.
Look at you. You, the rails -
You're off them. I love it.
- Oat flat white?
- Single shot, please.
- Ooh, do you have cows milk?
- I'm gonna call Steph on you.
Whoa.
- Oh, is she nearly here?
- Um, yeah, yeah.
I'm sure she'll be on her way soon.
She was just getting a trim.
Hey, Rosie, how many games are
you planning on organising?
It's just that Nat, like, she actually didn't
really want a baby shower in the first place,
so this might kind
of freak her out a bit.
- Don't worry about it.
- All my games are really low key.
- Right. Is this enough poo for 'Who Shat the Nap?'
- Christ.
- Perfect.
- Great. I'll warm them up.
Johnny, have you got
water in that tub?
So have you invited any of your friends
besides your landlord and your sperm donor?
Yes, I have invited other people.
- Meredith is coming and I have invited a couple of Nat's friends.
- Meredith.
I thought you didn't like hanging out with
her because she made you feel insecure.
Oh, yeah, she does, but she's
been really generous, actually.
She's lent us her very expensive baby
capsule, so, yeah, she's my best friend now.
I'll get that. You get ready.
- Wha- I am ready.
- Oh, but
Fine. Fine.
OK, can you, like,
give them a mimosa and just
Just try not to comment on anyone's
appearance. Can you do that?
- Fix your face.
- I'm fixing it, I'm fixing it. No comments. No comments.
- Ready?
- Yup.
That's it. Brilliant! Fabulous!
- OK, yup.
- Have you got anything?
OK, Nat. Are you sure you want
to go through with this?
Because there's no
turning back after this.
Are you awake?
OK, well, that is what
we're committing to then.
It's what she wanted.
So do you- do you work out?
Me? Oh, yeah, sometimes.
Hi, guys.
Good to see you.
Welcome to my humble abode.
I was just- I just did
a bit of- a bit of makeup.
Just went with sort of a soft glam.
Wonderful to see you. Welcome.
Oh, Meredith! How are you?
Good to see you.
- You too, yeah.
- And little
- Otis.
- Matey-potatey. Otis!
Hi, Otis. How are you?
- Oh!
- Oh! That's a lovely kiss for Mummy.
Sorry we're late. Otis was getting
carried away with his messy play,
and then we just could not decide which
learning resource for him to play with here, so
Oh, I think Johnny might have
some little toy cars in his room.
- Do you like cars?
- They're resources, not toys.
- I like cars.
- He does like cars, but they're not
Yeah, we're just kind of- we're on a
big Montessori buzz at the moment.
Just expanding this little brain
every day, aren't we, darling?
- Yeah.
- Oh, lucky you.
- You look fantastic, by the way.
- Oh, thank you.
Yeah. Hey, are you leaking yet?
- Cos if you are, syringe-
- From my vagina?
- No, no, no. No - from your breasts.
- Oh- oh.
Syringe and freeze the colostrum,
OK? Cos it is liquid gold.
Oh, yeah, I was actually
reading about that, but I
Oh, shoot. That reminds me - I
just left your other present in the car.
- No- oh, no.
- You've gotten so much already.
- It's nothing big, nothing big.
- Please don't worry.
It's just a few weeks worth of
freezer meals that I whipped up.
- All organic.
- Of course you did.
Why did you invite Meredith?
She has really
expensive stuff and I need it.
- Honestly, a human that together?
- Honestly, she's hiding something.
You know? It's like, you can't get to a level like
that unless you've done some serious voodoo.
I agree.
When bub's about three weeks old,
you will think you've hit rock bottom.
Like, questioning everything.
And then boom, six weeks later, a whole new rock
bottom, one you didn't even know you could reach.
And there you are, crying over the
kitchen sink, eating a dry Cruskit.
Just don't divorce too early on,
OK? I mean, you'll want to.
You'll really want to, but just
not those first few years, OK?
You just have to work
through the anger and
disappointment and
loneliness and fear.
- Does anyone want a sausage roll?
- Yes, please!
- So how old are the twins now?
- Four.
I mean, I really think that
we turned a corner this year.
- This year?
- Mm.
Mm. The days are long, aren't
they? They are long days.
But the years go flying past fast,
and before you know it, they're
going on road trips with the girlfriend.
Bitch.
- Don't overthink it.
- Yeah.
- I guess I just don't want them turning into, like, incels, you know?
- Who does?
Just make sure you talk
to them very early about porn.
- How early?
- Six.
- Is Nat not here yet?
- Um, no, she's not- not quite.
Oh, bugger it. OK, why don't we
just play one game while we wait?
- Yes!
- How about 'Baby Bottle Chug'?
Ah, Rosie, I'm not really sure if
it's quite the right vibe for that.
- Chug, chug, chug!
- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Be a man! Come on!
Yes! Queen of the game! Queen!
Yes! Queen.
I'm a queen of this game.
Well, that killed a few minutes.
I don't even know what it is,
you know, but it's like
one tiny baby bottle of beer and I
just want to go hard now, you know?
I want to- I want to get munted.
Hey, you do know you're supposed
to cut those before you cook them, eh?
Yeah, I know, but I just got excited
about the idea of a big, giant sausage roll,
and now I keep burning my fingertips.
It does actually look
pretty cool, but here, I'll do it.
I didn't realise you were
trusted with sharp objects.
Oh, well, I am, actually, but only
when there's another grown-up around.
- Hey, hummus
- Yeah.
Good for babies
or terrible for babies?
I think bad, along with
soft cheeses and cold meats
and basically everything
on this platter.
- Oh, well, that's really cool, isn't it?
- It's like the babies aren't even here yet
- and I've already tried to kill them.
- Nah, it'll be fine.
- We'll just fill it out with some decorative flowers.
- Oh, that's perfect.
- Thanks.
- All good.
Righty-oh.
I should probably go and
pretend to have fun.
Yeah, yeah. You got this.
- Johnny.
- Hey, Mrs Douglas.
- Shelly. No more of that prosecco lying around, is there?
- Um
Well, I might just have to switch
over to wine and call the day done.
Yeah, right. Better get back to it.
You must be getting excited.
About to have two little sprogs
crawling around, wanting to play with you.
Yeah.
Given any thought to what the
children might call you?
Oh, well, I guess kids don't really
speak for ages, you know, so
- It wouldn't be Dad, would it?
- Feels a bit confusing.
Maybe Uncle, or
Or just Johnny?
Depends how much you wanna
be involved, you know?
- How much of your life you're willing to give up.
- Mm.
Yeah, well, Nat and Steph are like family, so,
you know, I'll be there for them no matter what.
No, of course. You know, I'm only
looking out for you in all of this, Johnny.
Which is why I think it might be
smart to formalise these things now.
For the sake of you
and the children.
- What do you mean?
- Did Steph not mention the parenting agreement
we've had drawn up? Oh, I'll get her to
show it to you - to read through and sign.
I appreciate this might be a bit
awkward, but better to be safe than sorry.
Wouldn't want the special chapter
to ruin any relationships.
- Don't you agree?
- Mm.
Yeah.
Mmm! Sicilian olives. Divine.
- Everything OK?
- Yeah.
I'm fine, I'm just- I've got this
I've got this random
crush on this guy.
- That must be confusing.
- Yeah.
Identifying as gay and still
having the hots for a bloke.
- I'm straight.
- Hey?
Oh! Fabulous.
It's just like, he's my friend,
though, you know? And he's
He's great. But now I'm being all weird
and I don't know how to be around him,
and it's just- it's stupid.
It feels stupid.
You've just got to get
out of the friendzone.
- You think?
- Yeah.
The best relationships
start as friends.
I mean, you've got
kindness and respect,
but you need some alone time.
Take him out for a drink and then
pash him into boyfriend town.
Life is short, Lily.
I lost my voice. Must have been
really screaming, was I?
Yeah, you were a bit loud.
- He's gorgeous!
- How did you know?
- Got eyes in my head, girl.
- Oh, God. OK.
And just please keep this between us.
- Mum's the word.
- OK.
Ooh, oh. Oh, oh my God.
- Morning.
- Oh my God.
Oh.
I- I have a
- Fringe, yes.
- A fringe now. Yeah, wow.
- That's what you asked for, so you got it.
- Yes, I did.
- I love it.
- Great, yeah.
I think it really frames your
- forehead. It's great.
- Yeah. It's quite square.
- It's good.
- Ah, that's my coffee.
Yeah, it's been there for
a while, so I probably wouldn't
- Mm, mm. That- that's curdled.
- How long was I out for?
Just long enough that the client after
you thought you had died in the chair.
- Oh, shit, shit. I've got to go.
- I've got to go. I've got to go.
Thanks, Ricky. I'll phone bank pay
your money. Bye! Bye, love.
I just hope nothing's happened.
Maybe she's just gone
for a little walk.
You know, sometimes I like to go out
in the woods without my phone, just to
- Scream?
- Clear my head.
- Maybe I'll go look for her.
- Oh, oh, no, that's OK. You don't have to go.
- No, I'll just quickly drive around. I won't be long.
- I'll come.
Honestly, you guys really don't have
to. It's fine. You don't have to go anywhere.
Yeah, we'll just check and see if
she hasn't broken down or something.
Please don't leave me.
Please don't leave me.
No, no, go. We're happy here.
Better to be safe than sorry.
Oh, your turn. Oh! Oh.
I thought we were all good. You know,
Nat and Steph were gonna raise the babies,
and I was just gonna be around for when they
turned 16 and needed someone to buy them booze.
I don't know. Maybe I should just
stop overthinking it and just sign it.
I don't wanna overstep the mark,
you know, or make it weird.
- Also, I do want to be involved.
- Of course, yeah.
- And no one's questioning that.
- Yeah, I guess. I'm just nervous, man.
I'm just nervous that I'm just gonna make it
harder for them and the kids just by being around.
I should probably just move out.
Give them some space.
- No, no. No way.
- Don't- don't do that.
I wouldn't- I wouldn't like that.
- Shut up.
- No, no. I'm serious.
I like having you around.
You know, God, if you weren't there, who would take
all the mice out of those traps that I kept setting,
and who would bring me coffee
in the morning and
Who would do that sort of funny bullying
thing that you do that actually feels like
like flirting.
You think I'm flirting with you?
I hope you're flirting with me.
- OK.
- Sorry, I just thought
- Oh my God. Where have you been?
- I've called you, like, 20 times.
- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- I'm so sorry. My phone died.
- You've got a fringe.
- Yeah. I fell asleep in the chair.
It was glorious, and then Ricky sort
of Why- why is your face like that?
- Why is your hair that way?
- What's going on?
- Surprise! Oh, my beautiful girl.
- Mum! Mum?
- Oh my God! You've got a fringe.
- Yeah. Do you like it?
- There you are, Nat.
- You had us worried sick.
A new fringe.
It's brave.
Surprise.
But seriously, what is
with the fringe?
I thought that we decided that juggling new babies
and a new fringe was too much for us at the moment.
- OK, I can clip the fringe back.
- OK? Why is it such a big deal?
It just reminds me of when my dad
shaved off his moustache after the divorce.
It's really unsettling when you just change
your appearance without any warning.
OK, this is gonna grow back, dude.
I'm like, looking at you right now
and I'm just thinking to myself, like,
'Where's Nat? Where's Nat? Where
are you?' I don't know this person.
OK, it is me, I am Nat, and
I've never felt more like myself.
You've never felt more like yourself? You
look like you belong in a rockabilly punk band.
Making someone feel insecure about a new
haircut is about as low as you can get, Steph.
I would not have gone to so much trouble
and effort and care to throw you a baby shower
if I'd known that you were
just gonna leave all day
and transform yourself into
Zooey frickin' Deschanel.
Fuck you.
- I fuckin' hate Zooey Deschanel.
- I'm sorry, Dita Von Teese,
that I didn't make it back for your
surprise baby shower that I didn't ask for.
This not even about the baby shower. I
don't even care about the baby shower, Nat.
- Well, what is it about, Steph?
- Is it about the fringe?
I feel like I am losing my grip
on who you are anymore.
Do you need anything in there?
Yep, we're good. We're fine, Mum.
We thought we could open the
presents. Meredith has to go home soon.
Yeah, we'll be out in a sec.
- Nat, I just-
- No, no.
I think we should just go back out.
Talk about this later.
What is that? Is this lube?
What is this?
So I've spoken to
Johnny and he'll sign.
Freeze it. Honestly, it's gonna
save your vaginas. Trust me.
- Wow, Cass, thank you so much.
- That's a really thoughtful present.
My vagina says 'thank you'.
OK, my turn.
Aw.
Aw, Rosie, these are so beautiful.
- Thank you.
- Did you knit that?
- I did.
- Oh, Mum.
It's the same pattern you
had when you were a baby.
- You're gonna make me cry.
- OK, let's open your one next, Mum.
Two tiny cloths for the babies.
That'll be- the babies will thank
you- the babies will love that.
No, don't waste them on the
babies. Those are for you both.
Hi, yeah, Nat! You're here.
We were just at the- we were
just at the club looking for you,
- but you weren't there, so
- No, cos I was at the hairdresser's.
- Yeah, yeah, right.
- Oh, wow. That's short.
- Mm.
- OK.
Um
Oh, damn it. I lost out
on that change table.
Oh, the over-the-top ones.
- Yeah.
- That's a bummer. I got a couple of my wishlist.
- Shall we play another game of Beer Chug?
- Yeah, I'm in.
I can confirm that both mothers
have been escorted off the premises.
And I'm sorry for
the surprise fringe.
Hopefully it'll grow on me,
and then you, and then it will
just grow back. Hopefully.
I don't think Peanut likes it very much.
They've been kicking all afternoon.
- See you in bed.
- Yeah.
Hey.
I'm really sorry things
didn't go as planned today.
Thank you.
Oh, that does look bad.
Hold on,
don't you give up on me now.
Hold on,
please don't leave
me when I'm down. ♪