Doug (1991) s01e06 Episode Script
Doug, Mayor for a Day/Doug's No Dummy
[ yelps]
[ barks]
Man:
DO-DO, DO-DO,
DO-DO, DO-DO, DO-DO-DO ♪
DO-DO, DO-DO, DO-DO,
DO-DO, DO-DOO-DO. ♪
Duet:
DO-DO, DO-DO,
DO-DO, DO-DO, DO-DOO-DO ♪
DO-DO, DO-DO, DO-DO,
DO-DO, DO-DOO-DO-DOO. ♪
[ electric guitar plays]
[ man singing scat]
[ barks]
DO-DO, DO-DO, DO-DO,
DO-DO, DO-DOO-DO. ♪
COOL! WHOA!
[ thwack]
NA, NA, NA,
NA, NA, NA, NA ♪
NA, NA, NA, NA, NA
NA, NA, NA, NA,
NA, NA, NA! ♪
Doug:
DEAR JOURNAL
HI, IT'S ME AGAIN-- DOUG.
FIELD TRIPS ARE USUALLY BORING,
BUT YESTERDAY'S WAS DIFFERENT.
IT ALL BEGAN WHEN OUR ASSISTANT
PRINCIPAL, MR. BONE, TOLD US
AS YOU KNOW
MAYOR WHITE HAS INSTITUTED
STUDENT GOVERNMENT DAY
FOR YOU ALL
TO LEARN
HOW OUR LOCAL
GOVERNMENT WORKS.
AFTER EACH OF YOU HAS SPENT THE
DAY WITH A GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
THE MAYOR
WILL HOS
HIS ANNUAL STUDEN
GOVERNMENT DAY
ICE CREAM
EXTRAVAGANZA.
[ students cheering]
NOT SO FAST!
All:
HUH?
TOMORROW, YOU WILL
ALL BE EXPECTED
TO HAND IN A PAPER
DESCRIBING WHAT YOUR
PARTICULAR OFFICIAL
ACTUALLY DOES
FOR OUR FAIR CITY.
I WANT TO BE SHERIFF.
DOG CATCHER.
I WANT TO BE
HEAD ASTRONAUT.
I WANT TO BE
THE CHIEF FOREST RANGER.
EACH OF YOU WILL RANDOMLY DRAW
YOUR ASSIGNMENT OUT OF THIS BOX.
LET'S GO!
[ whimpers]
[ moans]
SKEETER,
WHAT'D YOU GET?
CHAIRMAN OF THE DAIRY BOARD.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I'M SHERIFF FOR THE DAY.
I'M THE HEAD
OF THE PRESS CORPS.
YOU GET TO BE THE
CHIEF FOREST RANGER?
MAYBE YOU'LL BE
MY FIRST INTERVIEW.
NOPE.
I'M THE MAYOR.
THE MAYOR?
WOW!
YOU HAVE THE MOS
IMPORTANT JOB!
HEY, EVERYBODY.
DOUG'S THE MAYOR!
[ all groan]
ME?
THE THE MAYOR?
[ footsteps]
[ door hinge creaks]
[ dog barks]
DOUG
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
LET ME
REPEAT MYSELF.
LET ME REPEAT MYSELF:
YOU SHOULD BE ON YOUR
BEST BEHAVIOR TODAY.
DON'T MESS UP!
YOU ARE DISMISSED.
[ cheering]
WELL, SEE YOU GUYS
LATER, I GUESS.
BYE, DOUG.
HOLD UP THERE
A MOMENT, MR. FUNNIE.
Y-YES, MR. BONE?
AS MAYOR FOR THE DAY
YOUR REPORT WILL BE
THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE OF ALL.
A BAD REPOR
WOULD BE RECORDED
ON YOUR
PERMANENT RECORD.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
HAVE A
NICE DAY.
THIS WAS MORE SERIOUS
THAN I THOUGHT.
[ panting]
WELL, HERE I WAS, AT CITY HALL
ABOUT TO FACE
THE BIG CHEESE HIMSELF
THE HONORABLE
MAYOR ROBERT "BOB" WHITE.
HMM, LET'S SEE
WHAT WILL MY FIRST QUESTION BE?
TONIGHT, ON PERMANENT RECORD
OUR SPECIAL GUEST IS THE
HONORABLE MAYOR OF BLUFFINGTON
ROBERT "BOB" WHITE.
EXACTLY WHAT IS I
THAT YOU DO?
I'M GLAD YOU ASKED
THAT QUESTION, MR. FUNNIE.
YOU CAN READ ME
LIKE A BOOK, CAN'T YOU?
SOMEBODYHIRE HIM
AS MY
PERSONAL AIDE.
UH, HELLO? HELLO?
HELLO HELLO?
EXCUSE ME, YOUNG MAN.
I NOTICED YOU LOOKING
AT ME, THE MAYOR.
OH, HIYA,
MR. MAYOR.
I KNOW YOU, DON'T I?
YOU DO?
NOT YOU SPECIFICALLY
BUT YOU,
A YOUNG PERSON--
AN IMPORTAN
COMMUNITY MEMBER.
VOTE FOR ME.
"DON'T BE
A SUCKER
VOTE FOR ME"?
WAIT, MR. MAYOR.
I'M DOUG FUNNIE.
I'M SUPPOSED TO SPEND
STUDENT GOVERNMEN
DAY WITH YOU.
I NEED TO KNOW HOW
A MAYOR MAKES DECISIONS.
THE MAYOR HAS TO BE FIRM
AND DECISIVE OR NOT.
Man:
HEY, MAYOR BOB
SHOULD WE APPROVE THIS
YEAR'S BUDGET OR NOT?
I DON'T KNOW--
CALL MY WIFE.
A MAYOR IS LIKE
JELLY DOUGHNUT:
ON THE OUTSIDE
WE'RE SOFT AND SWEE
BUT DEEP DOWN
UH, LET ME START AGAIN.
DID I GIVE YOU A SUCKER?
THIS WAS GOING TO BE HARDER
THAN I THOUGHT.
HAVE A SEAT, YOUNG PERSON.
SO, LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.
LET'S BEGIN BY, UH
REPEATING THE QUESTION.
UH, SURE, MAYOR.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
LET ME SAY THIS
[ phone rings]
EXCUSE ME,
YOUNG PERSON.
THIS MUST BE IMPORTANT.
[ whirring]
SEE HOW THE MAYOR
WORKS WITH THE PEOPLE.
JUST SIT BACK
AND TAKE NOTES.
YES, THIS IS THE MAYOR.
HOW MAY I SERVE YOU?
HUH?
OH.
IT'S FOR YOU.
HELLO?
FUNNIE?
BONE.
HOW'S THA
REPORT COMING?
OH, HI, MR. BONE.
UM, OKAY, I THINK.
WELL, JUST REMEMBER
THIS IS GOING ON
YOUR PERMANENT RECORD
SO DON'T BLOW IT!
[ cheering]
CITIZENS OF BLUFFINGTON
I HAND OVER
THE KEY TO OUR CITY
TO THE NEW MAYOR,
DOUGLAS FUNNIE.
[ guffawing]
RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND
AND REPEAT AFTER ME.
Bone:WAIT!
[ music stops]
THIS MAN IS A FAKE.
I HAVE PROOF
ON HIS PERMANENT RECORD.
HE TURNED IN A
LOUSY REPOR
30 YEARS AGO
ON STUDEN
GOVERNMENT DAY.
I'LL READ I
TO YOU NOW.
THE TRUTH HAS PREVAILED!
I'M STILL THE MAYOR.
I WIN, HE LOSES.
LOSER, LOSER!
[ derisive laughter]
[ gulping:]
MAY I BE EXCUSED PLEASE?
MY REPORT WAS IN TROUBLE AND
I HAD TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO.
MAYBE IF I ASKED HIM
EASIER QUESTIONS.
[ snaps fingers]
DUH, BUSY DAY TODAY.
LET'S SEE WHAT'S ON THE DOCKET.
WELL, YOU ARE
A LUCKY YOUNG PERSON.
THE CITY'S JUS
HUMMING TODAY.
[ phone rings]
I'LL SWITCH TO SPEAKER PHONE
SO YOU CAN HEAR A MAYOR
DO BUSINESS.
THIS IS MAYOR BOB WHITE.
Man:
This is Mr. Swirly
down at the ice cream plant.
[ gurgling]
There's been
a refrigeration failure here.
The cooling fans are messed up
and we're having
a major meltdown.
BUT WHAT ABOU
MY ICE CREAM EXTRAVAGANZA?
THAT'S WHY I'M CALLING.
I CAN'T MAKE THE DELIVERY
so no ice cream
for Student Government Day!
[ click]
WOW, MAYOR, YOU SURE DO
STAY CALM UNDER PRESSURE.
[ screams]
I'M RUINED.
YOUNG PEOPLE
WHO MIGHT HAVE VOTED FOR ME
ARE TO BE DENIED
THEIR DREAMSICLES
THEIR PEANUTTY
BUDDIES
THEIR DIPPITY
DOO-DAHS!
ARE YOU WORRIED?
YOU BET I AM!
MY WIFE WILL
KNOW WHAT TO DO.
HONEY!
MAYOR!
HUH?
[ whistling]
[ gasps]
SO, THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE
TO SIT IN THE BIG GUY'S CHAIR.
[ phone rings]
[ reporters clamoring]
YES, APPROVE THIS BUDGET.
NO, VETO THAT BILL.
YES, HOLD THE MAYO.
AS THE MOS
SUCCESSFUL MAYOR
IN BLUFFINGTON
HISTORY
WILL YOU RUN
FOR A 43rd TERM?
[ camera shutters clicking]
PLEASE, NO MORE PICTURES.
PLEASE, I
I MUST TAKE THIS CALL.
[ flashbulb pops]
[ phone ringing,
alarm whooping]
MR. MAYOR, IT'S THE PHONE!
[ phone keeps ringing]
HELLO?
Mayor, I'm in
real trouble.
The ice cream will melt
if we cut off the cooling fans,
but loads of chocolate chips
are about to crash
into the fans.
What should we do?
Please, Mayor, help me.
Mayor
WHY DON'T YOU LE
THE CHIPS HIT THE FAN?
But then, there would
That's brilliant!
That would chop up
the chocolate chips
and throw them
into the ice cream
making Chocolate Swirly.
MMM, MY
FAVORITE.
You're a genius, Mayor.
I think you just saved
the ice cream extravaganza
and my job [ gurgling]
ANY CALLS?
FOR ME?
MR. SWIRLY CALLED.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
HE NEEDED HELP
MAKING A DECISION.
DID WE MAKE ONE?
I TOLD HIM TO LEAVE THE FANS ON.
YOU MADE A DECISION?
YOU'RE YOUNG, I'M OLD.
I'VE GOT MORE WATER OVER MY DAM.
I'M WASHED UP!
MY CAREER'S OVER!
DON'T QUOTE ME ON THAT.
Woman:
THERE HE IS!
HE'S THE MAN
RESPONSIBLE.
NO, I'M THE MAYOR.
I'M NEVER
RESPONSIBLE.
HE'STHE ONE
THAT'S RESPONSIBLE.
Patti:
OH, DOUG!
YOU SAVED MR. SWIRLY
AND THE ICE CREAM
EXTRAVAGANZA.
LOOK!
[ chimes playing]
[ cheering]
HOW DOES IT FEEL
TO BE MAYOR FOR THE DAY?
I THINK I GOT WHA
I NEED FOR MY REPOR
AND I'M GLAD
WE HAVE CHOCOLATE
SWIRLY ICE CREAM.
I'M JUST GLAD
THIS YOUNGSTER LEARNED FROM ME.
HERE, HAVE A SUCKER.
VOTE FOR ME.
[ cheering]
[ band plays fanfare]
BEING MAYOR IS GREAT FUN.
YOU GET A BIG CHAIR,
COOL TELEPHONE
AND LOTS OF SUCKERS.
IT CAN ALSO BE
VERY HIGH-PRESSURED.
BY THE WAY,
I GOT A PACKAGE TODAY:
A WHOLE BOX
OF CHOCOLATE SWIRLY ICE CREAM
COMPLIMENTS OF MAYOR WHITE,
WITH A NOTE.
White:
DEAR DOUG, YOU WERE RIGHT.
SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE
TO LET THE CHIPS HIT THE FAN.
THANKS A MILLION.
PROUD? YOU BET I AM!
SIGNED, MAYOR ROBERT
"BOB" WHITE.
P.S. VOTE FOR ME!
DEAR JOURNAL
HI, IT'S ME, DOUG.
TONIGHT, I FOUND OUT
I HAVE TALENT.
I ALSO FOUND OUT
SOME OTHER THINGS.
IT ALL STARTED
IN MRS. WINGO'S CLASS.
PEOPLE WERE SIGNING UP FOR
THE ANNUAL STUDENT TALENT SHOW.
ARE YOU GOING
TO SIGN UP, DOUG?
WHO, ME?
NO WAY, SKEETER.
I DON'T HAVE ANY TALENT.
BESIDES, YOU'D MAKE
A FOOL OF YOURSELF
WHICH WOULD BE PRETTY
OUTRAGEOUSLY FUNNY.
SO, WHO ARE OUR YOUNG
STARS-TO-BE THIS YEAR?
CHALKY
STUDEBAKER
PATTI
MAYONNAISE
SKEETER
VALENTINE
[ squeaks]
ROGER KLOTZ
YEAH!
AND DOUGFUNNIE.
HUH?!
[ footsteps]
[ door hinge creaks]
[ dog barks]
DOUG
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
[ yips]
Roger:
NOW THAT I
VOLUNTEERED YOU
TO PERFORM
WHAT ARE YOU GOING
TO DO FOR TALENT?
THANKS, ROG.
I CAN SEE IT NOW
[ cheers, applause]
[ titters]
BUT SERIOUS SERIOUSLY
MY DOG HASN'T HAD
A BITE TO EAT IN A WEEK
SO SO I ATE HIM.
HUH?
[ booing]
THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
[ audience jeering]
[ yelps]
THE TALENT SHOW IS TOMORROW
AND I DON'T HAVE AN ACT.
I'M FACING SCHOOLWIDE
HUMILIATION, PORK CHOP.
IF I DON'T FIND SOMETHING
IN UNCLE HAPPY'S OLD CLOWN
TRUNK, I'M A DEAD DUCK.
[ Doug coughs]
HOW TO BE A VENTRILOQUIST
IN ONE DAY.
WELL, ONE DAY IS WHAT I HAVE.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME,
LITTLE FELLOW?
HOW ABOUT "BUSTER"?
[ muffled]:
HELLO THERE.
"HOW TO TALK WITHOUT MOVING
YOUR LIPS: LESSON NUMBER ONE.
"TO MAKE A 'B' SOUND
WITHOUT MOVING YOUR LIPS
JUST SAY 'D.'"
SO "THE BOY BOUGH
THE BASKETBALL"
IS, "DUH DOY DOUGH
DUH DASKETDALL."
DUH DOY DOUGHT DUH DASKETDALL.
DUH DOY DOUGHT DUH DASKETDALL!
NOT BAD.
NOT BAD!
MAYBE THIS ISMY TALENT.
MAYBE THISIS MY TALENT.
Announcer:
STAY TUNED FOR THE HIT SHOW
DOUG'S NO DUMMY.
[ applause]
STARRING DOUG FUNNIE
AND HIS DUMMY, BUSTER.
DUH DOY DOUGHT DUH DASKETDALL.
[ laughter, applause]
I'VE WORKED ON MY ACT
AND TRIED IT OU
IN FRONT OF MY FIRST AUDIENCE.
SO SAY "GOOD NIGHT,"
BUSTER.
[ high voice]:
GOOD NIGHT DUSTER.
BRAVISSIMO.
BRAVISSIMO!
THAT WAS WONDERFUL.
VERY GOOD SON.
[ clapping]
WE'RE THE BES
VENTRILOQUIST ACT EVER, BUSTER.
[ high voice]:
YEAH, WE KNOCKED THEM DEAD.
DOES IT MATTER IF
HIS LIPS WERE MOVING?
DON'T YOU GET IT?
HE WAS SAYING HOW NONE OF US
REALLY COMMUNICATE.
WE MOVE OUR LIPS
BUT WE DON'T REALLY
SAY ANYTHING.
[ sobbing]:
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL!
[ crying]
JUDY?
JUDY
[ weeping]
THIS IS IT, PORK CHOP.
THOUGH WHO KNOWS?
AFTER TONIGHT,
I COULD BE A BIG STAR.
[ children rehearsing]
[ high voice]:
GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
I'M DUSTER.
[ whistling]
I LIKE THE WAY
YOU LET YOUR LIPS MOVE.
VERY FUNNY, SKEET.
HEY, NICE INSTRUMENT.
IT'S AN OCARINA.
NEVER HEARD
OF IT.
IT'S A FLUTE MADE FROM
A CAFETERIA HARD ROLL.
I KNEW THEY'D COME IN
HANDY FOR SOMETHING.
[ high note]
Skeeter:OOPS!
OH, I'LL GET IT.
[ audience murmuring]
[ jeering]
[ booing]
HUH?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THERE ARE PEOPLE
OUT THERE, SKEETER--
ZILLIONS OF THEM.
I KNOW--
ISN'T IT GREAT?
[ plays ocarina]
[ yips]
OUR FIRST ACT IS
DOUG FUNNIE AND BUSTER.
ARE YOU READY?
UM, NO.
PLEASE, MR. DINK.
CAN YOU GO TO SOMEONE ELSE?
HMM, I SUPPOSE.
I'LL SEE
ROGER KLOTZ AND THE ULCERS!
ARE YOU READY?
READY TO ROCK
AND ROLL, MR. DINK.
[ guitar wailing]
I GOT A TON, TON, TON
I GOT A TON, TON
GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
HAVE YOU SEEN
MY OCARINA?
[ blows tune]
HEY, STOP THAT CAT!
HE STOLE MY OCARINA!
[ gulps]
[ snickering]
[ meowing fiercely]
[ barking]
SKEETER VALENTINE,
YOU'RE UP.
I CAN'T GO ON.
STINKY ATE MY OCARINA.
NOT THE OLD
"CAT ATE THE OCARINA" EXCUSE.
OH, WELL, OKAY, WHO'S NEXT?
HMM UH, DOUGLAS?
I'M STILL NOT READY.
COULD YOU PLEASE GO
TO SOMEONE ELSE?
OKAY.
UH, PATRICIA MAYONNAISE!
ARE YOU READY?
I DON'T KNOW.
I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.
DO I LOOK ALL RIGHT?
I'LL SAY.
AND YOU'RE GOING
TO BE GREAT, PATTI.
YOU THINK SO?
I KNOW IT.
THANKS, DOUG.
I FEEL BETTER.
[ cheers, applause]
I'D LIKE TO SING A SONG
I WROTE MYSELF.
WHEN I
WAS YOUNG ♪
MY MOTHER
TOLD ME ♪
[ whimpers]
[ whines]
[ plant groans]
HUH?
HEY, MAN,
PATTI WAS NERVOUS
AND SHE'S OUT THERE
DOING GREAT.
SO GET OUT THERE AND
DO YOUR DUMMY THING.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I CANDO IT.
HERE COMES MR. DINK.
I'M REALLY READY TO GO ON.
MR. DINK, I'M READY.
CHALKY STUDEBAKER, YOU'RE UP!
READY.
HUH, HERE WE GO.
UH-OH.
I'M READY.
ARE YOU READY?
DUH, YOU BET.
[ chuckles]
HOW ABOUT YOU?
NEVER MORE READY.
All:
A-HUM-MANA,
HUM-MANA, HUM-MANA YO!
[ whimpers]
TWO DUMMIES AREN'T NECESSARILY
BETTER THAN ONE.
Chalky:
THIS IS RUFUS
AND THIS IS DOOFUS.
[ loud cheers]
BUT IN THIS CASE,
I GUESS THEY ARE.
CHALKY WILL BE ONE TOUGH
ACT TO FOLLOW, FUNNIE.
I GUESS HE'LL MAKE
A DUMMY OUT OF YOU!
[ growls]
[ Roger snickering]
MAYBE ROGER'S RIGHT.
MAYBE I'LL JUST BE A BIG JOKE.
Chalky:
GOOD NIGHT.
IT'S TIME, DOUGLAS.
YOU'RE ON.
BREAK AN EGG.
THAT'S "LEG," DEAR.
WHATEVER.
HOW CAN YOU MAKE ME GO ON
AFTER CHALKY?
DON'T WORRY, DOUG.
YOU'RE GOING TO BE FINE.
REALLY?
AND BEFORE YOU KNOW I
EVERYONE WILL BE CLAPPING.
ME, TOO.
YOU, TOO?
OKAY.
I'LL GIVE IT MY BEST SHOT.
THANKS, PATTI.
HEY, FUNNIE, DO YOU
WANT TO BE BURIED
OR CREMATED AFTER
YOU DIE OUT THERE?
[ giggling]
LOOK, ROGER, YOU GOT ME
INTO THIS MESS
BUT I'M GOING
TO GET MYSELF OUT.
SO BACK OFF.
OOH.
OH, NO, NOT ANOTHER
VENTRILOQUIST.
[ clears throat]
[ squeaking]:
GOO GOOD EVENING.
I'M DOUG FUNNIE,
AND THIS IS MY DUMMY
BUSTER.
[ audience gasps]
OH, NO!
[ Roger snickers]
A DUMMY
WITHOUT A HEAD.
A CHILLING INDICTMEN
OF OUR SOCIETY.
OH
I'M BREATHLESS.
UH HERE'S A LITTLE NUMBER
YOU MIGHT REMEMBER:
THE EENSY-WEENSY SPIDER
WENT UP THE WATERSPOU
BUT DOWN CAME THE RAIN
WHAT A TOTAL LOSER!
[ growling]
SOMEBODY GET THE HOOK!
[ titters]
[ whimpering]
DOUG'S IN TROUBLE.
SKEETER, PORK
CHOP, COME HERE.
[ whispers]
OH.
UH-HUH.
OH!
YEAH, I GET IT.
DOWN CAME THE RAIN
SORRY, I GUESS
I LOST MY HEAD THERE.
[ drum roll]
SKEETER?
JUST CALL ME
"BUSTER" DUMMY.
OH
HEY, I'M NO DUMMY.
YOU'RE THE DUMMY.
THEN HOW COME YOU'RE
SINGING THE SPIDER SONG?
EENY-WEENY SPIDER WEN
UP THE WATERSPOUT. ♪
OH, BROTHER.
I GOT AN IDEA.
LET'S SING IT TOGETHER.
All:
HUH?
[ water sloshing]
EENSY-WEENSY SPIDER
WENT UP THE WATERSPOUT. ♪
WHILE DRINKING!
DOWN CAME THE RAIN AND
WASHED THE SPIDER OUT. ♪
TOGETHER.
Both:
OUT CAME THE SUN
AND DRIED UP ALL THE RAIN ♪
BUT ALONG CAME
A FLASH FLOOD ♪
AND WASHED HIM
DOWN AGAIN. ♪
[ wild cheering]
YAY!
WAY TO GO, DOUG!
OH, THAT WAS TERRIFIC!
[ grumbles]
YOU'RE WONDERFUL.
MAYBE I DIDN'T FIND OUT
MY TALEN
BUT I DISCOVERED THAT I'VE GOT
A COUPLE OF GREAT FRIENDS.
I'VE DECIDED NOT TO PURSUE
VENTRILOQUISM PROFESSIONALLY
BUT PORK CHOP'S ANOTHER STORY.
[ yips]
[ yaps]
[ barks]
[ barks softly]
[ yapping]
[ snarls]
[ both yowling]
[ barks]
Man:
DO-DO, DO-DO,
DO-DO, DO-DO, DO-DO-DO ♪
DO-DO, DO-DO, DO-DO,
DO-DO, DO-DOO-DO. ♪
Duet:
DO-DO, DO-DO,
DO-DO, DO-DO, DO-DOO-DO ♪
DO-DO, DO-DO, DO-DO,
DO-DO, DO-DOO-DO-DOO. ♪
[ electric guitar plays]
[ man singing scat]
[ barks]
DO-DO, DO-DO, DO-DO,
DO-DO, DO-DOO-DO. ♪
COOL! WHOA!
[ thwack]
NA, NA, NA,
NA, NA, NA, NA ♪
NA, NA, NA, NA, NA
NA, NA, NA, NA,
NA, NA, NA! ♪
Doug:
DEAR JOURNAL
HI, IT'S ME AGAIN-- DOUG.
FIELD TRIPS ARE USUALLY BORING,
BUT YESTERDAY'S WAS DIFFERENT.
IT ALL BEGAN WHEN OUR ASSISTANT
PRINCIPAL, MR. BONE, TOLD US
AS YOU KNOW
MAYOR WHITE HAS INSTITUTED
STUDENT GOVERNMENT DAY
FOR YOU ALL
TO LEARN
HOW OUR LOCAL
GOVERNMENT WORKS.
AFTER EACH OF YOU HAS SPENT THE
DAY WITH A GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
THE MAYOR
WILL HOS
HIS ANNUAL STUDEN
GOVERNMENT DAY
ICE CREAM
EXTRAVAGANZA.
[ students cheering]
NOT SO FAST!
All:
HUH?
TOMORROW, YOU WILL
ALL BE EXPECTED
TO HAND IN A PAPER
DESCRIBING WHAT YOUR
PARTICULAR OFFICIAL
ACTUALLY DOES
FOR OUR FAIR CITY.
I WANT TO BE SHERIFF.
DOG CATCHER.
I WANT TO BE
HEAD ASTRONAUT.
I WANT TO BE
THE CHIEF FOREST RANGER.
EACH OF YOU WILL RANDOMLY DRAW
YOUR ASSIGNMENT OUT OF THIS BOX.
LET'S GO!
[ whimpers]
[ moans]
SKEETER,
WHAT'D YOU GET?
CHAIRMAN OF THE DAIRY BOARD.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I'M SHERIFF FOR THE DAY.
I'M THE HEAD
OF THE PRESS CORPS.
YOU GET TO BE THE
CHIEF FOREST RANGER?
MAYBE YOU'LL BE
MY FIRST INTERVIEW.
NOPE.
I'M THE MAYOR.
THE MAYOR?
WOW!
YOU HAVE THE MOS
IMPORTANT JOB!
HEY, EVERYBODY.
DOUG'S THE MAYOR!
[ all groan]
ME?
THE THE MAYOR?
[ footsteps]
[ door hinge creaks]
[ dog barks]
DOUG
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
LET ME
REPEAT MYSELF.
LET ME REPEAT MYSELF:
YOU SHOULD BE ON YOUR
BEST BEHAVIOR TODAY.
DON'T MESS UP!
YOU ARE DISMISSED.
[ cheering]
WELL, SEE YOU GUYS
LATER, I GUESS.
BYE, DOUG.
HOLD UP THERE
A MOMENT, MR. FUNNIE.
Y-YES, MR. BONE?
AS MAYOR FOR THE DAY
YOUR REPORT WILL BE
THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE OF ALL.
A BAD REPOR
WOULD BE RECORDED
ON YOUR
PERMANENT RECORD.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
HAVE A
NICE DAY.
THIS WAS MORE SERIOUS
THAN I THOUGHT.
[ panting]
WELL, HERE I WAS, AT CITY HALL
ABOUT TO FACE
THE BIG CHEESE HIMSELF
THE HONORABLE
MAYOR ROBERT "BOB" WHITE.
HMM, LET'S SEE
WHAT WILL MY FIRST QUESTION BE?
TONIGHT, ON PERMANENT RECORD
OUR SPECIAL GUEST IS THE
HONORABLE MAYOR OF BLUFFINGTON
ROBERT "BOB" WHITE.
EXACTLY WHAT IS I
THAT YOU DO?
I'M GLAD YOU ASKED
THAT QUESTION, MR. FUNNIE.
YOU CAN READ ME
LIKE A BOOK, CAN'T YOU?
SOMEBODYHIRE HIM
AS MY
PERSONAL AIDE.
UH, HELLO? HELLO?
HELLO HELLO?
EXCUSE ME, YOUNG MAN.
I NOTICED YOU LOOKING
AT ME, THE MAYOR.
OH, HIYA,
MR. MAYOR.
I KNOW YOU, DON'T I?
YOU DO?
NOT YOU SPECIFICALLY
BUT YOU,
A YOUNG PERSON--
AN IMPORTAN
COMMUNITY MEMBER.
VOTE FOR ME.
"DON'T BE
A SUCKER
VOTE FOR ME"?
WAIT, MR. MAYOR.
I'M DOUG FUNNIE.
I'M SUPPOSED TO SPEND
STUDENT GOVERNMEN
DAY WITH YOU.
I NEED TO KNOW HOW
A MAYOR MAKES DECISIONS.
THE MAYOR HAS TO BE FIRM
AND DECISIVE OR NOT.
Man:
HEY, MAYOR BOB
SHOULD WE APPROVE THIS
YEAR'S BUDGET OR NOT?
I DON'T KNOW--
CALL MY WIFE.
A MAYOR IS LIKE
JELLY DOUGHNUT:
ON THE OUTSIDE
WE'RE SOFT AND SWEE
BUT DEEP DOWN
UH, LET ME START AGAIN.
DID I GIVE YOU A SUCKER?
THIS WAS GOING TO BE HARDER
THAN I THOUGHT.
HAVE A SEAT, YOUNG PERSON.
SO, LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.
LET'S BEGIN BY, UH
REPEATING THE QUESTION.
UH, SURE, MAYOR.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
LET ME SAY THIS
[ phone rings]
EXCUSE ME,
YOUNG PERSON.
THIS MUST BE IMPORTANT.
[ whirring]
SEE HOW THE MAYOR
WORKS WITH THE PEOPLE.
JUST SIT BACK
AND TAKE NOTES.
YES, THIS IS THE MAYOR.
HOW MAY I SERVE YOU?
HUH?
OH.
IT'S FOR YOU.
HELLO?
FUNNIE?
BONE.
HOW'S THA
REPORT COMING?
OH, HI, MR. BONE.
UM, OKAY, I THINK.
WELL, JUST REMEMBER
THIS IS GOING ON
YOUR PERMANENT RECORD
SO DON'T BLOW IT!
[ cheering]
CITIZENS OF BLUFFINGTON
I HAND OVER
THE KEY TO OUR CITY
TO THE NEW MAYOR,
DOUGLAS FUNNIE.
[ guffawing]
RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND
AND REPEAT AFTER ME.
Bone:WAIT!
[ music stops]
THIS MAN IS A FAKE.
I HAVE PROOF
ON HIS PERMANENT RECORD.
HE TURNED IN A
LOUSY REPOR
30 YEARS AGO
ON STUDEN
GOVERNMENT DAY.
I'LL READ I
TO YOU NOW.
THE TRUTH HAS PREVAILED!
I'M STILL THE MAYOR.
I WIN, HE LOSES.
LOSER, LOSER!
[ derisive laughter]
[ gulping:]
MAY I BE EXCUSED PLEASE?
MY REPORT WAS IN TROUBLE AND
I HAD TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO.
MAYBE IF I ASKED HIM
EASIER QUESTIONS.
[ snaps fingers]
DUH, BUSY DAY TODAY.
LET'S SEE WHAT'S ON THE DOCKET.
WELL, YOU ARE
A LUCKY YOUNG PERSON.
THE CITY'S JUS
HUMMING TODAY.
[ phone rings]
I'LL SWITCH TO SPEAKER PHONE
SO YOU CAN HEAR A MAYOR
DO BUSINESS.
THIS IS MAYOR BOB WHITE.
Man:
This is Mr. Swirly
down at the ice cream plant.
[ gurgling]
There's been
a refrigeration failure here.
The cooling fans are messed up
and we're having
a major meltdown.
BUT WHAT ABOU
MY ICE CREAM EXTRAVAGANZA?
THAT'S WHY I'M CALLING.
I CAN'T MAKE THE DELIVERY
so no ice cream
for Student Government Day!
[ click]
WOW, MAYOR, YOU SURE DO
STAY CALM UNDER PRESSURE.
[ screams]
I'M RUINED.
YOUNG PEOPLE
WHO MIGHT HAVE VOTED FOR ME
ARE TO BE DENIED
THEIR DREAMSICLES
THEIR PEANUTTY
BUDDIES
THEIR DIPPITY
DOO-DAHS!
ARE YOU WORRIED?
YOU BET I AM!
MY WIFE WILL
KNOW WHAT TO DO.
HONEY!
MAYOR!
HUH?
[ whistling]
[ gasps]
SO, THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE
TO SIT IN THE BIG GUY'S CHAIR.
[ phone rings]
[ reporters clamoring]
YES, APPROVE THIS BUDGET.
NO, VETO THAT BILL.
YES, HOLD THE MAYO.
AS THE MOS
SUCCESSFUL MAYOR
IN BLUFFINGTON
HISTORY
WILL YOU RUN
FOR A 43rd TERM?
[ camera shutters clicking]
PLEASE, NO MORE PICTURES.
PLEASE, I
I MUST TAKE THIS CALL.
[ flashbulb pops]
[ phone ringing,
alarm whooping]
MR. MAYOR, IT'S THE PHONE!
[ phone keeps ringing]
HELLO?
Mayor, I'm in
real trouble.
The ice cream will melt
if we cut off the cooling fans,
but loads of chocolate chips
are about to crash
into the fans.
What should we do?
Please, Mayor, help me.
Mayor
WHY DON'T YOU LE
THE CHIPS HIT THE FAN?
But then, there would
That's brilliant!
That would chop up
the chocolate chips
and throw them
into the ice cream
making Chocolate Swirly.
MMM, MY
FAVORITE.
You're a genius, Mayor.
I think you just saved
the ice cream extravaganza
and my job [ gurgling]
ANY CALLS?
FOR ME?
MR. SWIRLY CALLED.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
HE NEEDED HELP
MAKING A DECISION.
DID WE MAKE ONE?
I TOLD HIM TO LEAVE THE FANS ON.
YOU MADE A DECISION?
YOU'RE YOUNG, I'M OLD.
I'VE GOT MORE WATER OVER MY DAM.
I'M WASHED UP!
MY CAREER'S OVER!
DON'T QUOTE ME ON THAT.
Woman:
THERE HE IS!
HE'S THE MAN
RESPONSIBLE.
NO, I'M THE MAYOR.
I'M NEVER
RESPONSIBLE.
HE'STHE ONE
THAT'S RESPONSIBLE.
Patti:
OH, DOUG!
YOU SAVED MR. SWIRLY
AND THE ICE CREAM
EXTRAVAGANZA.
LOOK!
[ chimes playing]
[ cheering]
HOW DOES IT FEEL
TO BE MAYOR FOR THE DAY?
I THINK I GOT WHA
I NEED FOR MY REPOR
AND I'M GLAD
WE HAVE CHOCOLATE
SWIRLY ICE CREAM.
I'M JUST GLAD
THIS YOUNGSTER LEARNED FROM ME.
HERE, HAVE A SUCKER.
VOTE FOR ME.
[ cheering]
[ band plays fanfare]
BEING MAYOR IS GREAT FUN.
YOU GET A BIG CHAIR,
COOL TELEPHONE
AND LOTS OF SUCKERS.
IT CAN ALSO BE
VERY HIGH-PRESSURED.
BY THE WAY,
I GOT A PACKAGE TODAY:
A WHOLE BOX
OF CHOCOLATE SWIRLY ICE CREAM
COMPLIMENTS OF MAYOR WHITE,
WITH A NOTE.
White:
DEAR DOUG, YOU WERE RIGHT.
SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE
TO LET THE CHIPS HIT THE FAN.
THANKS A MILLION.
PROUD? YOU BET I AM!
SIGNED, MAYOR ROBERT
"BOB" WHITE.
P.S. VOTE FOR ME!
DEAR JOURNAL
HI, IT'S ME, DOUG.
TONIGHT, I FOUND OUT
I HAVE TALENT.
I ALSO FOUND OUT
SOME OTHER THINGS.
IT ALL STARTED
IN MRS. WINGO'S CLASS.
PEOPLE WERE SIGNING UP FOR
THE ANNUAL STUDENT TALENT SHOW.
ARE YOU GOING
TO SIGN UP, DOUG?
WHO, ME?
NO WAY, SKEETER.
I DON'T HAVE ANY TALENT.
BESIDES, YOU'D MAKE
A FOOL OF YOURSELF
WHICH WOULD BE PRETTY
OUTRAGEOUSLY FUNNY.
SO, WHO ARE OUR YOUNG
STARS-TO-BE THIS YEAR?
CHALKY
STUDEBAKER
PATTI
MAYONNAISE
SKEETER
VALENTINE
[ squeaks]
ROGER KLOTZ
YEAH!
AND DOUGFUNNIE.
HUH?!
[ footsteps]
[ door hinge creaks]
[ dog barks]
DOUG
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
[ yips]
Roger:
NOW THAT I
VOLUNTEERED YOU
TO PERFORM
WHAT ARE YOU GOING
TO DO FOR TALENT?
THANKS, ROG.
I CAN SEE IT NOW
[ cheers, applause]
[ titters]
BUT SERIOUS SERIOUSLY
MY DOG HASN'T HAD
A BITE TO EAT IN A WEEK
SO SO I ATE HIM.
HUH?
[ booing]
THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
[ audience jeering]
[ yelps]
THE TALENT SHOW IS TOMORROW
AND I DON'T HAVE AN ACT.
I'M FACING SCHOOLWIDE
HUMILIATION, PORK CHOP.
IF I DON'T FIND SOMETHING
IN UNCLE HAPPY'S OLD CLOWN
TRUNK, I'M A DEAD DUCK.
[ Doug coughs]
HOW TO BE A VENTRILOQUIST
IN ONE DAY.
WELL, ONE DAY IS WHAT I HAVE.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME,
LITTLE FELLOW?
HOW ABOUT "BUSTER"?
[ muffled]:
HELLO THERE.
"HOW TO TALK WITHOUT MOVING
YOUR LIPS: LESSON NUMBER ONE.
"TO MAKE A 'B' SOUND
WITHOUT MOVING YOUR LIPS
JUST SAY 'D.'"
SO "THE BOY BOUGH
THE BASKETBALL"
IS, "DUH DOY DOUGH
DUH DASKETDALL."
DUH DOY DOUGHT DUH DASKETDALL.
DUH DOY DOUGHT DUH DASKETDALL!
NOT BAD.
NOT BAD!
MAYBE THIS ISMY TALENT.
MAYBE THISIS MY TALENT.
Announcer:
STAY TUNED FOR THE HIT SHOW
DOUG'S NO DUMMY.
[ applause]
STARRING DOUG FUNNIE
AND HIS DUMMY, BUSTER.
DUH DOY DOUGHT DUH DASKETDALL.
[ laughter, applause]
I'VE WORKED ON MY ACT
AND TRIED IT OU
IN FRONT OF MY FIRST AUDIENCE.
SO SAY "GOOD NIGHT,"
BUSTER.
[ high voice]:
GOOD NIGHT DUSTER.
BRAVISSIMO.
BRAVISSIMO!
THAT WAS WONDERFUL.
VERY GOOD SON.
[ clapping]
WE'RE THE BES
VENTRILOQUIST ACT EVER, BUSTER.
[ high voice]:
YEAH, WE KNOCKED THEM DEAD.
DOES IT MATTER IF
HIS LIPS WERE MOVING?
DON'T YOU GET IT?
HE WAS SAYING HOW NONE OF US
REALLY COMMUNICATE.
WE MOVE OUR LIPS
BUT WE DON'T REALLY
SAY ANYTHING.
[ sobbing]:
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL!
[ crying]
JUDY?
JUDY
[ weeping]
THIS IS IT, PORK CHOP.
THOUGH WHO KNOWS?
AFTER TONIGHT,
I COULD BE A BIG STAR.
[ children rehearsing]
[ high voice]:
GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
I'M DUSTER.
[ whistling]
I LIKE THE WAY
YOU LET YOUR LIPS MOVE.
VERY FUNNY, SKEET.
HEY, NICE INSTRUMENT.
IT'S AN OCARINA.
NEVER HEARD
OF IT.
IT'S A FLUTE MADE FROM
A CAFETERIA HARD ROLL.
I KNEW THEY'D COME IN
HANDY FOR SOMETHING.
[ high note]
Skeeter:OOPS!
OH, I'LL GET IT.
[ audience murmuring]
[ jeering]
[ booing]
HUH?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THERE ARE PEOPLE
OUT THERE, SKEETER--
ZILLIONS OF THEM.
I KNOW--
ISN'T IT GREAT?
[ plays ocarina]
[ yips]
OUR FIRST ACT IS
DOUG FUNNIE AND BUSTER.
ARE YOU READY?
UM, NO.
PLEASE, MR. DINK.
CAN YOU GO TO SOMEONE ELSE?
HMM, I SUPPOSE.
I'LL SEE
ROGER KLOTZ AND THE ULCERS!
ARE YOU READY?
READY TO ROCK
AND ROLL, MR. DINK.
[ guitar wailing]
I GOT A TON, TON, TON
I GOT A TON, TON
GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
HAVE YOU SEEN
MY OCARINA?
[ blows tune]
HEY, STOP THAT CAT!
HE STOLE MY OCARINA!
[ gulps]
[ snickering]
[ meowing fiercely]
[ barking]
SKEETER VALENTINE,
YOU'RE UP.
I CAN'T GO ON.
STINKY ATE MY OCARINA.
NOT THE OLD
"CAT ATE THE OCARINA" EXCUSE.
OH, WELL, OKAY, WHO'S NEXT?
HMM UH, DOUGLAS?
I'M STILL NOT READY.
COULD YOU PLEASE GO
TO SOMEONE ELSE?
OKAY.
UH, PATRICIA MAYONNAISE!
ARE YOU READY?
I DON'T KNOW.
I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.
DO I LOOK ALL RIGHT?
I'LL SAY.
AND YOU'RE GOING
TO BE GREAT, PATTI.
YOU THINK SO?
I KNOW IT.
THANKS, DOUG.
I FEEL BETTER.
[ cheers, applause]
I'D LIKE TO SING A SONG
I WROTE MYSELF.
WHEN I
WAS YOUNG ♪
MY MOTHER
TOLD ME ♪
[ whimpers]
[ whines]
[ plant groans]
HUH?
HEY, MAN,
PATTI WAS NERVOUS
AND SHE'S OUT THERE
DOING GREAT.
SO GET OUT THERE AND
DO YOUR DUMMY THING.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I CANDO IT.
HERE COMES MR. DINK.
I'M REALLY READY TO GO ON.
MR. DINK, I'M READY.
CHALKY STUDEBAKER, YOU'RE UP!
READY.
HUH, HERE WE GO.
UH-OH.
I'M READY.
ARE YOU READY?
DUH, YOU BET.
[ chuckles]
HOW ABOUT YOU?
NEVER MORE READY.
All:
A-HUM-MANA,
HUM-MANA, HUM-MANA YO!
[ whimpers]
TWO DUMMIES AREN'T NECESSARILY
BETTER THAN ONE.
Chalky:
THIS IS RUFUS
AND THIS IS DOOFUS.
[ loud cheers]
BUT IN THIS CASE,
I GUESS THEY ARE.
CHALKY WILL BE ONE TOUGH
ACT TO FOLLOW, FUNNIE.
I GUESS HE'LL MAKE
A DUMMY OUT OF YOU!
[ growls]
[ Roger snickering]
MAYBE ROGER'S RIGHT.
MAYBE I'LL JUST BE A BIG JOKE.
Chalky:
GOOD NIGHT.
IT'S TIME, DOUGLAS.
YOU'RE ON.
BREAK AN EGG.
THAT'S "LEG," DEAR.
WHATEVER.
HOW CAN YOU MAKE ME GO ON
AFTER CHALKY?
DON'T WORRY, DOUG.
YOU'RE GOING TO BE FINE.
REALLY?
AND BEFORE YOU KNOW I
EVERYONE WILL BE CLAPPING.
ME, TOO.
YOU, TOO?
OKAY.
I'LL GIVE IT MY BEST SHOT.
THANKS, PATTI.
HEY, FUNNIE, DO YOU
WANT TO BE BURIED
OR CREMATED AFTER
YOU DIE OUT THERE?
[ giggling]
LOOK, ROGER, YOU GOT ME
INTO THIS MESS
BUT I'M GOING
TO GET MYSELF OUT.
SO BACK OFF.
OOH.
OH, NO, NOT ANOTHER
VENTRILOQUIST.
[ clears throat]
[ squeaking]:
GOO GOOD EVENING.
I'M DOUG FUNNIE,
AND THIS IS MY DUMMY
BUSTER.
[ audience gasps]
OH, NO!
[ Roger snickers]
A DUMMY
WITHOUT A HEAD.
A CHILLING INDICTMEN
OF OUR SOCIETY.
OH
I'M BREATHLESS.
UH HERE'S A LITTLE NUMBER
YOU MIGHT REMEMBER:
THE EENSY-WEENSY SPIDER
WENT UP THE WATERSPOU
BUT DOWN CAME THE RAIN
WHAT A TOTAL LOSER!
[ growling]
SOMEBODY GET THE HOOK!
[ titters]
[ whimpering]
DOUG'S IN TROUBLE.
SKEETER, PORK
CHOP, COME HERE.
[ whispers]
OH.
UH-HUH.
OH!
YEAH, I GET IT.
DOWN CAME THE RAIN
SORRY, I GUESS
I LOST MY HEAD THERE.
[ drum roll]
SKEETER?
JUST CALL ME
"BUSTER" DUMMY.
OH
HEY, I'M NO DUMMY.
YOU'RE THE DUMMY.
THEN HOW COME YOU'RE
SINGING THE SPIDER SONG?
EENY-WEENY SPIDER WEN
UP THE WATERSPOUT. ♪
OH, BROTHER.
I GOT AN IDEA.
LET'S SING IT TOGETHER.
All:
HUH?
[ water sloshing]
EENSY-WEENSY SPIDER
WENT UP THE WATERSPOUT. ♪
WHILE DRINKING!
DOWN CAME THE RAIN AND
WASHED THE SPIDER OUT. ♪
TOGETHER.
Both:
OUT CAME THE SUN
AND DRIED UP ALL THE RAIN ♪
BUT ALONG CAME
A FLASH FLOOD ♪
AND WASHED HIM
DOWN AGAIN. ♪
[ wild cheering]
YAY!
WAY TO GO, DOUG!
OH, THAT WAS TERRIFIC!
[ grumbles]
YOU'RE WONDERFUL.
MAYBE I DIDN'T FIND OUT
MY TALEN
BUT I DISCOVERED THAT I'VE GOT
A COUPLE OF GREAT FRIENDS.
I'VE DECIDED NOT TO PURSUE
VENTRILOQUISM PROFESSIONALLY
BUT PORK CHOP'S ANOTHER STORY.
[ yips]
[ yaps]
[ barks]
[ barks softly]
[ yapping]
[ snarls]
[ both yowling]