Downward Dog (2017) s01e06 Episode Script
Old
1 Happy birthday, buddy.
Smile! Say "Happy birthday!" [Camera clicks.]
Good job.
Good job.
Okay, let me get you So, I'm turning 7, and for a lot of people, I think 7 is this really big year, where they kind of look back at their life and say, like, "Is this who I thought I would be by the time I was 7?" But not me.
I got you [Squeak.]
Oh, yeah! That's good.
But I don't really get hung up on numbers, because instead, like, every year, I set a really specific goal for myself.
Oh, sure.
Just ignore my texts, Jason.
That's real mature.
- [Grinding.]
- [Speaking indistinctly.]
I mean, like, I get that you're mad, but, like, let's not isolate each other, you know? One year, I decided to make this, like, elaborate nest out of all of Nan's favorite, most comfortable clothes, which was, like, a really great moment for both of us.
Plus, plus, I'm not the one who almost let the dog die, right? He's just being ridiculous.
How many times do you have to apologize to a person? And someday, like, yeah, someday I might confront my fear of the, you know, actual pit of despair that lies under my house.
But this year, for my birthday, I have one plan I'm gonna take the best nap of my entire life.
There's this certain way that the fall light, like, strikes the hardwood, where it's warm on my back, but, like, my cheek still rests on the cool of the floor.
And I think if I just set my feet against the couch in just the right way and have, like, just the right dream, my kicks will slowly push me along, like, with the sun's movement.
And I can just sleep and sleep and sleep.
Hey, what's up? Oh, my God.
Jenn, I'm so sorry.
Yeah, you Absolutely, you can crash here.
Uh-huh.
No, Martin loves puppies.
I feel like literally nothing can go wrong.
Jenn: Thanks for the ride.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, I'm I'm sorry about your fight with Dan.
I feel your pain.
You know, if there's if there's anything else I can do, like, teach you how to drive yourself places - [Laughs.]
- Yeah, but then we'd miss out on all these fun times together, wouldn't we? Oh, yeah.
Look, you sure you don't want to just pop in, chat to Nan? Then we can just be done with all this weirdness.
[Puppy whining.]
Nope.
Not really.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Thanks for letting me stay here.
I am so sorry, Jenn.
But look at this puppy! Look at this puppy! I know it's a controversial puppy and everything, but look at his face! - What's his name? - It doesn't have a name because it's going back on Monday.
Why do you have it with you, then? Well, I'm not gonna let Dan have a cute puppy as a prize for being a complete ass, am I? That's a good point.
You got everything, Jenn? Uh, yeah, I think so.
Thank you, Jason.
Hey, Jason.
Bye, Jenn.
I guess he's still pretty mad at me, huh? Yeah.
That's putting it mildly.
Well, at least we're not both going through major drama at the same time.
[Laughs.]
The thing is, I don't, like, ask a lot from Nan on my birthday.
[Indistinct conversation.]
- You get it? - This? Yeah.
So, I'm just gonna clean out the junk room, put you in there, okay? Oh, lovely.
Like, literally, all I wanted was a nap.
Like, what did I do to possibly deserve this thing - coming into my home? - [Whining.]
First, he buys me a puppy, then it's suburbs, then yoga pants, then, like, once-a-month sex and my pelvis is being split in half by some little brat named Forest.
That's a dark vision.
And he just casually slips it in that his parents have offered to give us a down payment for a house In Wexford.
That's, like, ground zero Stepford Wife/Pilates land.
Exactly.
I think most people hate puppies just because they're, like, tired of the glorification of youth culture.
Or, like, the fact that they have their entire lives in front of them and don't have to care for their life partners as they cry about the same guy for six years.
Or just, like, the fact that puppies aren't staring death in the face every time they lay awake at night.
But that's not me Like, not at all.
I just want my nap.
[Gasps.]
"Nan childhood"? [Gasps.]
Yes, please.
Can we not? I mean, it's probably just, like, baby videos and tragic teen poetry.
My dad sent it, in a rare fit of pretending to be a parent.
Jenn [Gasps.]
Oh! Nan! Look at all this stuff! [Gasps.]
"Nan, age 7"! [Gasps.]
Jackpot.
Nan, get in here.
It's starting.
[Nan shouts playfully.]
Dad: You got to wave to the camera! Nope.
Nope, nope.
Nope, nope.
Today is not the day for that.
Are you Do you want to talk about it or? - No.
- No.
Hey, do you feel like getting out of here? And go where? Someplace, like, young and dumb and stupid where we can run away from our problems, like we did in our 20s.
No.
I just want to mope all day.
No, no.
What you should do is self-medicate with alcohol.
And I have the perfect place to do that The Muddy Slutty.
[Gasps.]
Oh, I do love that place.
The thing is, like, I'm a sensitive guy.
Like Like Like, I wouldn't hurt a fly.
Like, I know because I've tried many, many times and failed, but at the same time, like, I know for a fact I'm not gonna let that puppy ruin my nap.
Like Like, I'm not.
I'm just not.
I'm just [bleep.]
not.
All right.
We're good.
All right! Okay.
You think they'll be okay, yeah? Yeah, they'll be fine.
It's just a couple of hours.
- Okay, awesome.
Bye! - Bye, guys! Have fun! Play nice.
I swear to God.
[Dance music plays, indistinct conversations.]
You're right After a couple of beers, it doesn't seem as loud as it definitely is! Oh, yeah! This is fun! - Yeah, I like your plan! - Yeah! [Laughs.]
Whoo! Muddy Slutty! - [Laughs.]
- Whoo! You know what's so crazy, is that, like, I was these people when I made every decision that I'm dealing with right now.
Hey.
You guys want another round? Uh, it's more of, like, a need than a want if you're gonna keep playing this song.
[Laughs.]
We're drunk.
Oh, let me get this.
I need the miles.
Oh, God.
Geez.
Why do I keep saying old-people things? We're in our 30s.
Me too.
But, uh, don't let them hear.
They have, like, supersonic hearing, so Your secret's safe with us.
[Clicks tongue.]
[Clicks tongue.]
So I took care of the puppy.
And, uh Yeah, like I guess I just want to say, like, to be fair to me, what I wanted to do was, like, much, much, much worse.
Like Like, I-I could have ate him.
Like, of course I would never I would never do that.
I'm just saying, like, that Like, that was an option.
The thing is, I gave him a chance.
Like Like, I told him, like, not to touch me, not to look at me, that everything was mine and not his, and as long as he didn't touch anything that we would be cool.
[Toy squeaking.]
But, of course, he didn't.
Like, he couldn't keep his ugly little paws to himself.
Ladies.
One lemon-drop martini and my personal take on an old-fashioned.
Thought you could use something a little bit more adult.
Thank God! This is lovely.
Thank you.
So, what is this Like, moms' night out? What? We look like moms? Oh, my God.
This isn't working.
I feel old, old, old.
Okay, look, we need to change locations, okay? Quick what's something fun that doesn't require thinking? Dancing! No.
No.
Day dancing is so sad.
Okay.
Um Oh! Bike share! If we're gonna run away from our problems, couldn't we at least pick a faster mode of transportation? No, this is fun.
It's like when we were young and poor and we couldn't afford cars, right? Was it fun? God, I don't know how I let you convince me to do this.
- There's some cute boys.
- Oh, okay.
Hey, guys! Hi.
- How's it going? - Hey.
Share the road! - Aah! - You share the road.
Share the road with your face! No.
Okay, that's it.
No, I'm done.
I'm done.
- What?! - Oh, that's enough.
Come on.
This is amazing.
You just got to, like, get into it.
It's not amazing, okay? I came to your house so that you could pamper me and throw wine down my throat and listen to me moan about all my problems.
[Whimpering.]
Come on! This is that.
This is just, like Like, a fun, like, more active version of that.
Oh, okay, 'cause it kind of feels like you Forget it.
It's [Sighs deeply.]
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I'm not trying to be a bad friend.
It's just, like [Sighs.]
So, that DVD is this video that my dad shot of me the day before my mom left.
And he just, like, chucked it in the box, you know? Like, "Hey, here's some fun childhood nostalgia.
" Enjoy that.
" I'm really sorry, Nan.
No, I'm I'm the one who should be sorry.
Yeah.
You are.
- [Laughs.]
- You are.
You should be very sorry about this whole day.
[Thunder crashes.]
Got to be kidding me! [Laughs.]
Martin: And even though he he took my toy and he ruined my nap and he basically destroyed my entire birthday, like, still, I was patient.
I-I-I Even while he was literally physically assaulting me, like, I-I let him win.
Like, I-I let him have Lobster Jimmy.
And I-I just, like, went outside, like, to cool down.
I And, like, I sat there counting to three, just, like, trying to calm down and, like, maybe, in some way, salvage my day.
I thought maybe I can take the nap back here, you know, and, like, make the best of it.
But then then it started to rain.
[Thunder rumbles.]
[Whimpers.]
[Thunder rumbles.]
[Whimpers.]
[Thunder crashing.]
Jenn, come on! Oh, my God! - [Laughing.]
- Oh, my God! Okay, just leave it! Leave it, leave it, leave it! Quickly get in! [Thunder crashes.]
I guess I just snapped.
Because you know what? Maybe 7 isn't just, like, a number.
Like, maybe I'm not so chill about getting older, okay? Like, that puppy he has his youth, he has his beauty, like, he has a whole lifetime of toys in front of him, and this could be one of the last toys I ever get.
And I just thought, like, if that puppy wants Lobster Jimmy, you know what? He can go to hell.
[Thunder crashes.]
[Growling.]
It just so happens that, like, hell is located, very conveniently, right under my house.
[Growling.]
Go right on through, girls.
- Thanks.
You're welcome.
- Have fun.
my apple tree Slide down my rainbow Look down my cellar door And we'll be jolly It's like a Pittsburgh "Brigadoon.
" [Laughs.]
Hey! I mean, he wanted that lobster so bad, maybe Maybe he was chasing it.
Like, maybe that's how he fell, like, because of his greed.
[Thunder crashing.]
[Whimpers.]
The important thing Like, the big picture - [Whimpering.]
- is that he's down there now, and he can't get back up, And I can finally get that nap.
In Heaven, there is no beer That's why we drink it here And when you're This cost $5.
The entire pitcher.
Oh, thank God.
I was almost getting sober.
- Hey! - [Cheers and applause.]
And now, ladies and gentlemen, no further ado.
Here she is, your favorite Our very own DeeJay Devine! [Cheers and applause.]
Yes! Whoooooo! [Mid-tempo music plays.]
Se of these days You're gonna miss me, honey Some of these days You're gonna be so lonely You'll miss my huggin' You'll miss my kisses This woman is my new everything.
- I wonder if she's dating.
- [Laughs.]
When I'm far away I feel so lonely Let's dance.
For you only 'Cause you know, honey You always had your way And when you leave me You know it's gonna grieve me You're gonna miss your big, fat mama Your mama Some of these daaaaaaaays [Cheers and applause.]
One of the most important lessons that I've learned in life is to never, ever give up on your goals, even if your obstacle happens to be, like, you know, like, a tiny, fluffy, little puppy.
Like, that and that And it's really good to be flexible, because, like, sure, like, today's not ideal, but it's salvageable.
Like, the real key to a great nap is the circling.
Like Like, at the beginning, I, personally, like to circle, like, 5 1/2 times - and then - [Puppy whimpers.]
[Thunder crashes.]
The key is the 5 1/2 Maybe 6 1/4 if the moon's right.
[Barks, whimpers.]
[Puppy barking, yelping.]
- Hello.
- Hi.
Hi.
Sorry, we just We wanted to say "Thank you" and, um, you're amazing.
Well, you're very sweet.
Yeah, you are honestly, you're an inspiration.
Let me tell you something, honey.
I didn't start singing until I was 79.
[Laughs.]
You know why? I was too busy feeling sorry for myself.
That and my husband died.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Best thing ever happened to me.
[Laughs.]
[Laughing.]
Okay.
I'm 86 years old, and I'm having the time of my life.
[Laughter.]
[Whimpers.]
Martin: You could say, "Oh, you just pushed a little puppy" down a flight of stairs "into the darkest place that has ever existed.
" [Yelps softly.]
Yeah, like, you would be technically right about that.
But, like, what you'd be forgetting is what happened next.
[Whimpers.]
That's only the first part of the story.
But the second part of the story Like, the important part Is that today, I became a hero, because I chose to confront my fear of aging and I confronted the gathering inevitability of my own death.
I even confronted my fear of that basement, and I saved that stupid, stupid, incredibly cute, super-adorable, little puppy.
Like, we're riding a bike and looking like [Laughs.]
Like, real sexy.
We were idiots.
They were not interested in the slightest.
Where are our dogs? Puppies? Ohh! - [Laughs.]
- Aw! Martin? You taking care of that puppy? I remember this dream I had.
[Birds chirping.]
There was, like, a giant mountain of toys.
And it was, like, all the toys that have ever existed, like, in the history of the world were, like, piled up and, like like like, stretched up to the sky.
And I was, like I was, like, so excited and overjoyed.
And, like And then, like, I ran to it.
But when I got there, I saw at the base of the mountain, there was this other, separate, little, tiny pile of toys.
And I looked closer, and I saw that I recognized some of them.
They were toys that I'd had before.
And then I saw a couple others in the pile that were, like, new toys Like, toys I hadn't seen.
And then it just, like, struck me "Oh, my God.
" These are all the toys I will ever play with.
" Like, all I will ever experience is, like, a tiny, tiny fraction of what exists.
The thought just paralyzed me.
What do you think it says about a person if they leave their fiancé for buying them a puppy? Oh, I don't know.
I think it says that we're all just baby adults and we have no idea what we're doing with life.
Oh, speaking of baby adults, Jason told me not to tell you, but he just enrolled in community college.
That's really surprising.
He didn't say this, but I do feel like it's got a lot to do with you.
Did I tell you I haven't seen my dad in three years? No, you didn't.
Yeah.
I think maybe it's time for you to stop running away from that grown-up conversation with Dan.
And I think maybe it's time for me to stop running away from this stupid DVD.
I'm 31 years old.
[Chuckles.]
It's time to stop feeling sorry for myself.
But now, after the basement, I kind of think about things differently.
Because, sure, in some ways, my experiences must not matter, like like, that much.
I've only got a handful of toys and, like like, yeah, like, only a handful of years.
Dad: How about Nellie? Ellen, say hi to the camera.
Come on.
Give us a smile.
Can you not do that now? Look, we don't have to watch this if you don't want to.
[Voice breaking.]
No, it's okay.
But the thing is, like, I have this year.
[Sighs.]
Today, I'm turning 7, and That's for you and Mommy! that might not mean a lot to some people, and maybe I don't have all that many years left, but, like, that's fine.
Because today Like, today is worth it.
Like, I'm here right now, and I have all this in front of me.
And, I mean today I had the best nap of my whole, entire life.
Hey, Dad.
It's me.
Like, I-I'm not an expert on dreams or anything, but sometimes, it feels like my subconscious isn't even, like, trying.
Pepper: You're gonna die And everything will be the same You're gonna die And no one will know your name Sure, Nan will cry But then she's gonna get a new - [Thunder crashes.]
- dog
Smile! Say "Happy birthday!" [Camera clicks.]
Good job.
Good job.
Okay, let me get you So, I'm turning 7, and for a lot of people, I think 7 is this really big year, where they kind of look back at their life and say, like, "Is this who I thought I would be by the time I was 7?" But not me.
I got you [Squeak.]
Oh, yeah! That's good.
But I don't really get hung up on numbers, because instead, like, every year, I set a really specific goal for myself.
Oh, sure.
Just ignore my texts, Jason.
That's real mature.
- [Grinding.]
- [Speaking indistinctly.]
I mean, like, I get that you're mad, but, like, let's not isolate each other, you know? One year, I decided to make this, like, elaborate nest out of all of Nan's favorite, most comfortable clothes, which was, like, a really great moment for both of us.
Plus, plus, I'm not the one who almost let the dog die, right? He's just being ridiculous.
How many times do you have to apologize to a person? And someday, like, yeah, someday I might confront my fear of the, you know, actual pit of despair that lies under my house.
But this year, for my birthday, I have one plan I'm gonna take the best nap of my entire life.
There's this certain way that the fall light, like, strikes the hardwood, where it's warm on my back, but, like, my cheek still rests on the cool of the floor.
And I think if I just set my feet against the couch in just the right way and have, like, just the right dream, my kicks will slowly push me along, like, with the sun's movement.
And I can just sleep and sleep and sleep.
Hey, what's up? Oh, my God.
Jenn, I'm so sorry.
Yeah, you Absolutely, you can crash here.
Uh-huh.
No, Martin loves puppies.
I feel like literally nothing can go wrong.
Jenn: Thanks for the ride.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, I'm I'm sorry about your fight with Dan.
I feel your pain.
You know, if there's if there's anything else I can do, like, teach you how to drive yourself places - [Laughs.]
- Yeah, but then we'd miss out on all these fun times together, wouldn't we? Oh, yeah.
Look, you sure you don't want to just pop in, chat to Nan? Then we can just be done with all this weirdness.
[Puppy whining.]
Nope.
Not really.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Thanks for letting me stay here.
I am so sorry, Jenn.
But look at this puppy! Look at this puppy! I know it's a controversial puppy and everything, but look at his face! - What's his name? - It doesn't have a name because it's going back on Monday.
Why do you have it with you, then? Well, I'm not gonna let Dan have a cute puppy as a prize for being a complete ass, am I? That's a good point.
You got everything, Jenn? Uh, yeah, I think so.
Thank you, Jason.
Hey, Jason.
Bye, Jenn.
I guess he's still pretty mad at me, huh? Yeah.
That's putting it mildly.
Well, at least we're not both going through major drama at the same time.
[Laughs.]
The thing is, I don't, like, ask a lot from Nan on my birthday.
[Indistinct conversation.]
- You get it? - This? Yeah.
So, I'm just gonna clean out the junk room, put you in there, okay? Oh, lovely.
Like, literally, all I wanted was a nap.
Like, what did I do to possibly deserve this thing - coming into my home? - [Whining.]
First, he buys me a puppy, then it's suburbs, then yoga pants, then, like, once-a-month sex and my pelvis is being split in half by some little brat named Forest.
That's a dark vision.
And he just casually slips it in that his parents have offered to give us a down payment for a house In Wexford.
That's, like, ground zero Stepford Wife/Pilates land.
Exactly.
I think most people hate puppies just because they're, like, tired of the glorification of youth culture.
Or, like, the fact that they have their entire lives in front of them and don't have to care for their life partners as they cry about the same guy for six years.
Or just, like, the fact that puppies aren't staring death in the face every time they lay awake at night.
But that's not me Like, not at all.
I just want my nap.
[Gasps.]
"Nan childhood"? [Gasps.]
Yes, please.
Can we not? I mean, it's probably just, like, baby videos and tragic teen poetry.
My dad sent it, in a rare fit of pretending to be a parent.
Jenn [Gasps.]
Oh! Nan! Look at all this stuff! [Gasps.]
"Nan, age 7"! [Gasps.]
Jackpot.
Nan, get in here.
It's starting.
[Nan shouts playfully.]
Dad: You got to wave to the camera! Nope.
Nope, nope.
Nope, nope.
Today is not the day for that.
Are you Do you want to talk about it or? - No.
- No.
Hey, do you feel like getting out of here? And go where? Someplace, like, young and dumb and stupid where we can run away from our problems, like we did in our 20s.
No.
I just want to mope all day.
No, no.
What you should do is self-medicate with alcohol.
And I have the perfect place to do that The Muddy Slutty.
[Gasps.]
Oh, I do love that place.
The thing is, like, I'm a sensitive guy.
Like Like Like, I wouldn't hurt a fly.
Like, I know because I've tried many, many times and failed, but at the same time, like, I know for a fact I'm not gonna let that puppy ruin my nap.
Like Like, I'm not.
I'm just not.
I'm just [bleep.]
not.
All right.
We're good.
All right! Okay.
You think they'll be okay, yeah? Yeah, they'll be fine.
It's just a couple of hours.
- Okay, awesome.
Bye! - Bye, guys! Have fun! Play nice.
I swear to God.
[Dance music plays, indistinct conversations.]
You're right After a couple of beers, it doesn't seem as loud as it definitely is! Oh, yeah! This is fun! - Yeah, I like your plan! - Yeah! [Laughs.]
Whoo! Muddy Slutty! - [Laughs.]
- Whoo! You know what's so crazy, is that, like, I was these people when I made every decision that I'm dealing with right now.
Hey.
You guys want another round? Uh, it's more of, like, a need than a want if you're gonna keep playing this song.
[Laughs.]
We're drunk.
Oh, let me get this.
I need the miles.
Oh, God.
Geez.
Why do I keep saying old-people things? We're in our 30s.
Me too.
But, uh, don't let them hear.
They have, like, supersonic hearing, so Your secret's safe with us.
[Clicks tongue.]
[Clicks tongue.]
So I took care of the puppy.
And, uh Yeah, like I guess I just want to say, like, to be fair to me, what I wanted to do was, like, much, much, much worse.
Like Like, I-I could have ate him.
Like, of course I would never I would never do that.
I'm just saying, like, that Like, that was an option.
The thing is, I gave him a chance.
Like Like, I told him, like, not to touch me, not to look at me, that everything was mine and not his, and as long as he didn't touch anything that we would be cool.
[Toy squeaking.]
But, of course, he didn't.
Like, he couldn't keep his ugly little paws to himself.
Ladies.
One lemon-drop martini and my personal take on an old-fashioned.
Thought you could use something a little bit more adult.
Thank God! This is lovely.
Thank you.
So, what is this Like, moms' night out? What? We look like moms? Oh, my God.
This isn't working.
I feel old, old, old.
Okay, look, we need to change locations, okay? Quick what's something fun that doesn't require thinking? Dancing! No.
No.
Day dancing is so sad.
Okay.
Um Oh! Bike share! If we're gonna run away from our problems, couldn't we at least pick a faster mode of transportation? No, this is fun.
It's like when we were young and poor and we couldn't afford cars, right? Was it fun? God, I don't know how I let you convince me to do this.
- There's some cute boys.
- Oh, okay.
Hey, guys! Hi.
- How's it going? - Hey.
Share the road! - Aah! - You share the road.
Share the road with your face! No.
Okay, that's it.
No, I'm done.
I'm done.
- What?! - Oh, that's enough.
Come on.
This is amazing.
You just got to, like, get into it.
It's not amazing, okay? I came to your house so that you could pamper me and throw wine down my throat and listen to me moan about all my problems.
[Whimpering.]
Come on! This is that.
This is just, like Like, a fun, like, more active version of that.
Oh, okay, 'cause it kind of feels like you Forget it.
It's [Sighs deeply.]
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I'm not trying to be a bad friend.
It's just, like [Sighs.]
So, that DVD is this video that my dad shot of me the day before my mom left.
And he just, like, chucked it in the box, you know? Like, "Hey, here's some fun childhood nostalgia.
" Enjoy that.
" I'm really sorry, Nan.
No, I'm I'm the one who should be sorry.
Yeah.
You are.
- [Laughs.]
- You are.
You should be very sorry about this whole day.
[Thunder crashes.]
Got to be kidding me! [Laughs.]
Martin: And even though he he took my toy and he ruined my nap and he basically destroyed my entire birthday, like, still, I was patient.
I-I-I Even while he was literally physically assaulting me, like, I-I let him win.
Like, I-I let him have Lobster Jimmy.
And I-I just, like, went outside, like, to cool down.
I And, like, I sat there counting to three, just, like, trying to calm down and, like, maybe, in some way, salvage my day.
I thought maybe I can take the nap back here, you know, and, like, make the best of it.
But then then it started to rain.
[Thunder rumbles.]
[Whimpers.]
[Thunder rumbles.]
[Whimpers.]
[Thunder crashing.]
Jenn, come on! Oh, my God! - [Laughing.]
- Oh, my God! Okay, just leave it! Leave it, leave it, leave it! Quickly get in! [Thunder crashes.]
I guess I just snapped.
Because you know what? Maybe 7 isn't just, like, a number.
Like, maybe I'm not so chill about getting older, okay? Like, that puppy he has his youth, he has his beauty, like, he has a whole lifetime of toys in front of him, and this could be one of the last toys I ever get.
And I just thought, like, if that puppy wants Lobster Jimmy, you know what? He can go to hell.
[Thunder crashes.]
[Growling.]
It just so happens that, like, hell is located, very conveniently, right under my house.
[Growling.]
Go right on through, girls.
- Thanks.
You're welcome.
- Have fun.
my apple tree Slide down my rainbow Look down my cellar door And we'll be jolly It's like a Pittsburgh "Brigadoon.
" [Laughs.]
Hey! I mean, he wanted that lobster so bad, maybe Maybe he was chasing it.
Like, maybe that's how he fell, like, because of his greed.
[Thunder crashing.]
[Whimpers.]
The important thing Like, the big picture - [Whimpering.]
- is that he's down there now, and he can't get back up, And I can finally get that nap.
In Heaven, there is no beer That's why we drink it here And when you're This cost $5.
The entire pitcher.
Oh, thank God.
I was almost getting sober.
- Hey! - [Cheers and applause.]
And now, ladies and gentlemen, no further ado.
Here she is, your favorite Our very own DeeJay Devine! [Cheers and applause.]
Yes! Whoooooo! [Mid-tempo music plays.]
Se of these days You're gonna miss me, honey Some of these days You're gonna be so lonely You'll miss my huggin' You'll miss my kisses This woman is my new everything.
- I wonder if she's dating.
- [Laughs.]
When I'm far away I feel so lonely Let's dance.
For you only 'Cause you know, honey You always had your way And when you leave me You know it's gonna grieve me You're gonna miss your big, fat mama Your mama Some of these daaaaaaaays [Cheers and applause.]
One of the most important lessons that I've learned in life is to never, ever give up on your goals, even if your obstacle happens to be, like, you know, like, a tiny, fluffy, little puppy.
Like, that and that And it's really good to be flexible, because, like, sure, like, today's not ideal, but it's salvageable.
Like, the real key to a great nap is the circling.
Like Like, at the beginning, I, personally, like to circle, like, 5 1/2 times - and then - [Puppy whimpers.]
[Thunder crashes.]
The key is the 5 1/2 Maybe 6 1/4 if the moon's right.
[Barks, whimpers.]
[Puppy barking, yelping.]
- Hello.
- Hi.
Hi.
Sorry, we just We wanted to say "Thank you" and, um, you're amazing.
Well, you're very sweet.
Yeah, you are honestly, you're an inspiration.
Let me tell you something, honey.
I didn't start singing until I was 79.
[Laughs.]
You know why? I was too busy feeling sorry for myself.
That and my husband died.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Best thing ever happened to me.
[Laughs.]
[Laughing.]
Okay.
I'm 86 years old, and I'm having the time of my life.
[Laughter.]
[Whimpers.]
Martin: You could say, "Oh, you just pushed a little puppy" down a flight of stairs "into the darkest place that has ever existed.
" [Yelps softly.]
Yeah, like, you would be technically right about that.
But, like, what you'd be forgetting is what happened next.
[Whimpers.]
That's only the first part of the story.
But the second part of the story Like, the important part Is that today, I became a hero, because I chose to confront my fear of aging and I confronted the gathering inevitability of my own death.
I even confronted my fear of that basement, and I saved that stupid, stupid, incredibly cute, super-adorable, little puppy.
Like, we're riding a bike and looking like [Laughs.]
Like, real sexy.
We were idiots.
They were not interested in the slightest.
Where are our dogs? Puppies? Ohh! - [Laughs.]
- Aw! Martin? You taking care of that puppy? I remember this dream I had.
[Birds chirping.]
There was, like, a giant mountain of toys.
And it was, like, all the toys that have ever existed, like, in the history of the world were, like, piled up and, like like like, stretched up to the sky.
And I was, like I was, like, so excited and overjoyed.
And, like And then, like, I ran to it.
But when I got there, I saw at the base of the mountain, there was this other, separate, little, tiny pile of toys.
And I looked closer, and I saw that I recognized some of them.
They were toys that I'd had before.
And then I saw a couple others in the pile that were, like, new toys Like, toys I hadn't seen.
And then it just, like, struck me "Oh, my God.
" These are all the toys I will ever play with.
" Like, all I will ever experience is, like, a tiny, tiny fraction of what exists.
The thought just paralyzed me.
What do you think it says about a person if they leave their fiancé for buying them a puppy? Oh, I don't know.
I think it says that we're all just baby adults and we have no idea what we're doing with life.
Oh, speaking of baby adults, Jason told me not to tell you, but he just enrolled in community college.
That's really surprising.
He didn't say this, but I do feel like it's got a lot to do with you.
Did I tell you I haven't seen my dad in three years? No, you didn't.
Yeah.
I think maybe it's time for you to stop running away from that grown-up conversation with Dan.
And I think maybe it's time for me to stop running away from this stupid DVD.
I'm 31 years old.
[Chuckles.]
It's time to stop feeling sorry for myself.
But now, after the basement, I kind of think about things differently.
Because, sure, in some ways, my experiences must not matter, like like, that much.
I've only got a handful of toys and, like like, yeah, like, only a handful of years.
Dad: How about Nellie? Ellen, say hi to the camera.
Come on.
Give us a smile.
Can you not do that now? Look, we don't have to watch this if you don't want to.
[Voice breaking.]
No, it's okay.
But the thing is, like, I have this year.
[Sighs.]
Today, I'm turning 7, and That's for you and Mommy! that might not mean a lot to some people, and maybe I don't have all that many years left, but, like, that's fine.
Because today Like, today is worth it.
Like, I'm here right now, and I have all this in front of me.
And, I mean today I had the best nap of my whole, entire life.
Hey, Dad.
It's me.
Like, I-I'm not an expert on dreams or anything, but sometimes, it feels like my subconscious isn't even, like, trying.
Pepper: You're gonna die And everything will be the same You're gonna die And no one will know your name Sure, Nan will cry But then she's gonna get a new - [Thunder crashes.]
- dog