Duck Dodgers (2003) s01e06 Episode Script

COMMANDER: Oh, K-9, there's nothing like a day on the links to take your mind off all your cares and troubles.
I have a feeling this is going to be a great day.
Come on, boy.
K-9, bring me my clubs.
Now, be careful.
That's a brand new set.
[SNIFFS.]
Good boy.
But I think I'll try the three wood instead.
Um, thanks, I think.
Now tee up the ball.
Wow.
You didn't even gag on the ball this time.
Okay, concentrate.
Perhaps if I visualize the ball as someone I dislike that will prompt me to hit it farther.
Nice hat, you stupid fop.
Even as a golf ball you're annoying.
Golf ball? What are you talking about? Hey, what's the deal with the giant golf--Whoa! If only that were the real thing.
GOPHER 1: Oh! Oh, I say.
Are you all right? That's quite a nasty bump.
Oh, no worries.
No worse for wear, but thank you so very much for asking.
- No trouble at all.
- Though I do wish the surface dwellers would exercise caution in the disposal of these wretched things.
- An utter lack of common courtesy.
- Quite right.
However, the point will be moot once we destroy the surface dwellers and seize the Planet Mars for our own.
Oh, yes.
Yes, it will.
Moot completely.
Oh, dear, look at the time.
Oh, we better hurry or we'll miss the meeting.
[PLAYING.]
[CHEERING.]
Hail, citizen gophers.
ALL: Hail Gopherius Rex, King of the Gophers! Too long have the surface dwellers flooded us out, smoked us out and most despicably of all, knocked us out with these painful, white, pockmarked balls.
But at last, the hour of the gopher has come.
[ALL CHEERING.]
- Ah.
Gloriously destructive.
- Oh, indeed.
Absolutely apocalyptic.
Together, my brothers and sisters, we shall enjoy the spoils of Mars.
And together we shall obliterate the surface dwellers.
Ow.
I say, somebody stop that interloper.
Oh, Your Highness, may we stop the surface dweller? KING: Yeah, yeah, great.
Whatever.
Just stop him from divulging our plan.
There's nothing like a fresh morning breeze to settle one's nerves.
[BARKING.]
I feel my nerves unsettling again.
[WHIMPERS.]
[GROWLS.]
Why look, something to bury you in.
[CHITTERS.]
[WHISTLES.]
[IMITATES EXPLOSION.]
[GROANS.]
Remind me to call the pet psychiatrist when we get home.
I do believe that is the interloper's vehicle.
Why, yes, I do believe you're right.
GOPHER 2: It looks like last year's model.
- I concur.
You can always tell by the bumpers.
Ugh.
Dreadful plastic things.
Oh, remember the days of chrome? - Shall we implement our plan? - Yes, we should.
- After you.
- No, after you.
- No, no, no, I insist.
- Hey, hey, you two.
Knock it off and eliminate the interloper.
Oh, dear, someone's having a hissy fit.
[GOPHER'S GIGGLE.]
Okay, I've installed the diverter.
Would you please check to see if it's working? Yes, of course.
Checking the system.
Yes, I have complete control of the hovercraft.
Oh, goody.
And now it's only a matter of time before the surface world is nothing but ash and rubble.
COMMANDER: Okay, K-9, back to the hovercraft.
K-9, what are you doing? - Ready? - Ready.
[COMMANDER YELLS.]
If you really wanted to drive, all you had to do was ask.
I didn't even know you could drive.
- You're doing a splendid job.
- That is so very kind of you to say.
- Would you like to give it a go? - Really? Might I? Slow down.
You just passed the tee.
[COMMANDER & K-9 GROANING AND GRUNTING.]
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, no.
Ooh.
Ahh.
COMMANDER: Let's not mention this at the clubhouse.
I'll be two strokes under par if I can only sink this putt.
[GOPHERS GIGGLING.]
Just one more root to go and we'll have one less surface dweller to worry about.
Urgh? My dear.
It looks like this root is about to break all on its own.
You know what that means? - Tea time.
- Tea time.
My mind sees nothing but the ball in the hole.
Ball in hole.
Excuse us, surface dweller.
We have but a small question to ask of you.
- Are you ticklish? - Uh-uh.
Then you shouldn't mind this a bit.
GOPHER 1: Tickle, tickle.
GOPHER 2: Tickle, tickle.
- Is your belly ticklish? - How about over here? Under the chin, perhaps.
Frankly, I don't know how you can stand it.
I'm extremely tickle.
[GIGGLES.]
You naughty, naughty creature.
Time to return the favor.
- You wouldn't dare.
- Wouldn't I? Oh, no.
Don't.
Keep away from me.
[GIGGLING.]
I couldn't tell you the last time I had so much fun with a feather.
Oh, he's still there.
Now see here, surface dweller, you're starting to try my patience.
I hope you like your nostrils briskly seasoned.
Shake, shake, shake.
That should do it.
Oh, please.
That tired old gag? I need to borrow the topper, old boy.
But don't worry, I shall return it.
Oh, a bakeoff, is it? Let's see, add one jar of honey.
And a generous sprinkling of Martian fire ants.
Shake well and serve.
Oh, I just adore a horror film.
Such a frightening face.
But this might be too gruesome to watch.
[S N E E z E S.]
Take my keys and wait in the car.
[WHINES.]
And roll the windows up.
- Initiate launch sequence.
- Initiate launch.
ASSISTANT: Clear the area.
Clear the area.
[CHUCKLES.]
I do believe the interloper has spotted the master control switch.
- Well, that obviously won't do.
- No, no, won't do at all.
- Then we really must stop him.
- Capital idea, capital.
[GROWLING.]
[CHUCKLING.]
I must admit, I do so enjoy the old dog-and-flypaper routine.
A classic.
An absolute classic.
- Though, if I may suggest a new twist? - Oh, do, do.
This is it.
The last hole.
Don't you find this time-delayed plasma warhead magnificent? Sublime.
Simply sublime.
Salutations, sticky doggy.
I have a surprise for you.
[SCREAMS.]
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, my.
You've really outdone yourself.
Oh, go on.
No, no, no, really, I mean it.
Go on and on.
Launch the weapon.
This drive is really gonna sizzle.
[SCREAMS.]
Fore.
K-9.
[WHIMPERS.]
Ha-ha! Aww.
You're just a worthless mongrel.
[GOPHERS GROANING.]
Ahh! - We have a hull breech on the lido deck.
- We're being boarded.
- Show yourselves, you pirate dogs.
SA'AM: Ha-ha-ha! [GRUNTING.]
I told you these protectorate types was lily-livered polecats.
Take everything that ain't nailed down and let's get back to base.
I think it's high time we paid ourselves a visit to the planet Earth.
[WHOOPING AND CHEERING.]
Well, you've got yourself an excellent trailer there, I.
Q.
Best of luck with the feature.
This isn't a movie, Dodgers.
Now, I need you to observe these barbarians and learn their plans.
But do not engage the enemy for any reason.
Not a problem, I.
Q.
Hiding from big, gruesome savages is what I do best.
Earth shall fall.
Their pathetic warriors are no match for us Klunkans.
Yuck.
He's even uglier in person.
We shall overwhelm the earthlings.
[KLUNKANS CHEER.]
- Tonight we shall conquer their planet.
- Tonight? We gotta get a message to I.
Q.
Hi.
Cadet, let's go.
Hey, you, we gotta get out of here.
Look what I found.
Moodnesium.
It's rumored to have powerful properties.
Wow, a pretty stone.
Why don't we just set up camp here and look for more pretty stones? Then, when Klunkans find us, they can make us their slaves and humiliate us in front of their women.
Snap out of it, chubs.
We're going.
Sorry.
I don't know what came over me.
[LAUGHS.]
Come on.
We gotta scram.
[IN DEEP VOICE.]
Now our course of action is clear.
Yeah.
We gotta get back and warn Earth before it's too late.
It's already too late.
Our only chance is to fight.
Have you been working out, cadet? You seem more buff.
I am Pork Piggler, pig of action! Hmm.
Can't quite put my finger on it, but something's different.
Once those ships take off, every man, woman and child on Earth will.
Oh, no, they're heading for their ships.
- I didn't hear anything.
- Attack! - You got a haircut, right? - Feel my wrath, you Klunkan barbarians.
I say, did someone call us barbarians? How gauche.
[LAUGHS.]
- We're under attack.
- No, you're not.
We come in peace.
We wish to sit at the table and speak of things sublime.
[PIGGLER LAUGHS.]
Mother, now is really not a good time.
I can hardly hear-- WOMAN [OVER PHONE.]
: Hello, Leslie? I know you're there.
Ha-ha-ha! His name is Leslie.
Subdue the pig.
DODGERS: For a minute I thought this was real.
But it must be a dream, because if it wasn't, this would really hurt.
And I don't feel a thing.
As a matter of fact, my whole face seems to be numb.
He's headed for the fuel depot.
Somebody stop him! Never mind.
DAFFY: More dreaming.
We'll never make it back to our shuttle, but there's a Klunkan space fighter just begging to be borrowed, right around the corner.
Hmm.
New hat? Let's go.
Let's just fire this puppy up and commence with a hasty retreat.
Ah! I don't know how to read Spanish.
Cadet, would you give me a hand here? Precious, precious rock.
I knew I could always count on you to flake in a moment of pressure.
One of these buttons must start this thing.
Put rock back in pocket.
Yes.
Those varmints are in that ship, boys.
- Let's get them.
- Come on.
Now we'll get out of here and return to Earth.
[IN DEEP VOICE.]
Ha-ha-ha! Oh, no, my little friend, we won't be returning to Earth.
Setting a course for the Klunkan home world, the Planet Klunk.
Yee-haw! Now see here, Dork Dipstein, or whatever it is you're calling yourself.
I am the captain.
I give the orders.
So hand over that moodnesium.
I'm waiting.
I'm sorry, captain, but we're under attack.
[DODGERS SCREAMS.]
This is for the fellas who fought in the Dinerian Cluster.
This is for the guys at Company 12.
And this is for the boys in the chorus of Lovely Ladies Love To Lunch.
Those are just robotic fighter drones, right? Yeah, robotic fighter drones.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Hey there, shrimp-o.
I have a proposition for you.
Spit it out, you lumbering lummox.
What do you say, we settle this like men? Man to man.
That is if you're man enough.
[GROWLS.]
Is it just me or is the testosterone getting a little thick in here? Do you smell that, ducky man? Ho-ho-ho! That's the smell of fear.
Oh, brother.
Don't you think it's about time you gave me the funny yellow rock? Pork Piggler, away! Go get them, big guy.
[GRUNTING.]
Eat dirt, little man.
Now we got ourselves a fight.
SA'AM: Ouch! Heh, heh.
Are you ready to call it quits? Some guys gotta learn the hard way.
[SCREAMS.]
SA'AM: I give up.
Oh, great and masterful pig.
Never in our battles have we seen such a terrifying warrior.
Rule over us with an iron fist.
Guide us with your terrible might.
Accept this scepter of power and be our brutal king.
I take this scepter to rule.
Those who bow before me and serve me, I shall protect.
Those who stand against me, I shall crush.
I will uphold the warrior's code for all Klunkans everywhere.
I promise, promise.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
I promise, on my honor, to do my duty, to be obedient and kind.
And to be courteous and gentle to every living thing, both great and small.
To be concerned about others.
To be helpful to all my neighbors without expectation of recompense.
And to be a good example and role model for the youth of the galaxy.
Huh? - Oh, dear.
- What kind of hooey is going on here? Do not approach the barbarian king.
Have you lost your marbles? He'll rip you to shreds.
It looks to me like he's gone soft.
Are you nuts? He's as crazy and psycho as any of your creepy goons.
Just look at him.
What do you see? A wimpy pig with a sweet little smile.
Yeah, but look closer.
That sweet little smile is a little too sweet if you ask me.
It's sweet bordering on sinister.
And that darling look in his eyes, it sends shivers down my spine.
Is he wearing false eyelashes? Probably.
The little sicko.
Now, step back slowly.
Don't make any sudden moves.
I'd hate for you to go through life as an armless freak.
A thousand pardons, sick one.
But before we begin the ceremonial feast let us bring forth the ceremonial chachrah.
Aw.
Pretty little kitty.
Arrest these wimpy varmints.
What seems to be the trouble? That was the ceremonial appetizer.
Dig, slaves.
Dig.
Oh.
I think I found another piece of moodnesium.
- You did? - I'm sorry.
- This is just a piece of elephantanium.
- Elephantanium? Well, what's it do? [DAFFY SCREAMS.]
I had to open my big mouth.
[English - US -SDH.]