Duncanville (2020) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ [laughs.]
Ooh! [growls.]
- Mommy! - Raaaah! - Duncan! - Duncan! Hurry up, Duncan.
Hang on.
I'm still making my gift.
Let him focus.
The thumb is the hardest part.
Time's up.
We're going in.
All: [grunt.]
Happy anniversary [scream.]
- What are you doing to Mommy? - [grunting.]
Mommy and I are just pounding it out.
[grunting.]
Obviously, he means the dust from this rug.
It's spring cleaning day.
- It's your anniversary.
- We know.
That's how we remember it's time to tidy up.
And to do our taxes.
[squeals.]
Well, here's your gift.
Oh, Dunkie.
It's your best one yet.
Yeah, I'm already working on my Thanksgiving one.
Oh, cute.
Okay, tubs re-caulked, chimney swept, and fire extinguisher charged.
[screams.]
And I cleaned the dust off the ceiling fan.
- How did you get up there? - Does it really matter? Hey.
[phone buzzes.]
Ooh, text alert from House Warehouse.
"Spring cleaning price slash.
" They've got air filters on sale.
- The ones we like! - There's air filters you like? Duncan, get in here.
Your father and I are going to the home improvement store and we need you to watch Jing.
But I have plans with my friends to throw old TVs in the quarry and watch them explode.
Why do I always have to watch Jing? - Kimberly's old enough.
- Well, Kimberly's not here, is she? I'm right here.
Ignoring the middle child is so cliché.
We don't ignore you.
We just forget you.
- Do you wanna watch Jing? - I'd be happy to.
So which are the outlets that are okay for her to lick? None! Duncan, you have to stay.
- [groans.]
- Yay! - Ha, ha.
- Kimberly will come with us.
Her tiny hands can sort through cabinet screws.
And she'll get our undivided attention.
- Where'd she go? - She must already be in the car.
[groans.]
- So Jing, ready for a nap? - I just woke up.
Yeah, me too.
But I could sleep.
I'm too excited to sleep.
I have the whole day with the greatest brother in the world, and I don't want to miss one second of it.
- Let's go.
- Ugh, slow down.
My big legs can't keep up with your little ones.
What are you gonna do first? I'm gonna go watch the plant-watering demonstration.
Uh, checking out the bird feeders.
[tapping window.]
- Hey! - Ooh, forgot her again.
Sorry, honey.
Somebody just earned a ride on the pony express.
Ride 'em, cowgirl! [Western music.]
- Get off.
You're gonna catch fire.
- Let me burn.
So Hector's looking for clues to find treasure, and he needs our help.
I'm looking for clues to find treasure, and I need your help.
- We'll help you, Hector.
- He can't hear you, Duncan.
Thanks for your help.
Now let's look at the clues I've collected.
A bike seat, a bike handlebar, and a bike wheel.
Can you figure out what it is? - A bike.
- A jet ski a bike.
It's a bike! - Both: Yeah! - Let's see.
One ear of corn, boop, one slice of bread, beep.
Oh, the diet starts tomorrow, am I right? [both laugh.]
- Wanna donate to Save the Planet? - No way.
[both laugh.]
Annie, this is the garden hose we've waited our whole lives for.
On the commercial, a gorilla could not bite through it.
- And it tried.
- If you guys don't hurry up, I'm calling an Amber Alert on myself.
Calm down, Kimber.
We're almost done.
[gasps.]
Jack, a paint drying demo, and it just started.
[both giggle.]
That's it.
I'm gonna flirt with the stock boys, and move in with the one that's also in a band.
Hmm, yeah.
Sounds great honey.
Have fun.
[groans.]
In about 20 minutes, you'll start to see hints of yellow.
Don't tell me what's gonna happen.
Name of the game is Memory.
You flip two, you get to keep them.
Here we go, here we go.
- Match.
- You're lucky you're cute.
Okay, weirdly, Jing, this has been fun.
- But you need to take a nap.
- No! Can we do one more thing? Please? [sighs.]
Okay, what do you wanna do? - Let's get married! - Not this again, no! - But why? - I'm your brother.
I don't care.
I love you.
- Marry me.
- No.
- Marry me, marry me.
- No.
[electronic beeps.]
- Marry me, marry me.
- No.
- Marry me, marry me.
- No.
[snores and gasps.]
Marry me.
Marry me.
- Stop saying "marry me.
" - Stop saying, what? - "Marry me.
" - I will! I thought you'd never ask.
[vocalizes giddily.]
Duncan.
Dude, you missed so much fun.
I thought watching TV was good, but watching TVs explode is even better.
Yeah, 4K blow up good, but OLED, blam! What's with the tie? Going to court? Jing is making me do this stupid make-believe wedding.
- She finally wore you down, huh? - Mazel tov.
I love weddings.
My mom's had three of them.
[car horn honks.]
This one's gonna stick.
I promise, baby.
- Four.
- This is adorable.
- Do you have a minister? - No.
Why? And the denizens of hell would scream, but for the brimstone in their mouths! And so it is in love.
[vocalizing.]
Hallelujah ♪ What's going on? Your son's marrying your daughter.
New air filters? Nice.
[car chimes.]
- [knocks on car window.]
Seriously? - Whoops, did it again.
As long as I can remember, which is about 10 months ago, I've always wanted to marry you.
She can do so much better.
Duncan, I promise to always be loving and fun, just like Mommy and Daddy - They wanna be us.
- used to be.
And not sad and boring, like they are now.
- Sad and boring? - We are not sending them a gift.
Thank you for marrying me, Duncan.
Oh, well, it was easier than that memory game.
Is that what you kids think of our marriage? That we're boring and no fun? Yeah, but, like, only when we think about it, which is not a lot 'cause, you know, it makes us sad.
Hey, you guys lasted longer than most of my friends' parents.
We're still married.
And we appreciate that you've stayed together for us.
Yeah, I don't wanna have to learn stepparents' names and say stuff like, "Thanks for coming to my track meet, Chuck," and "Are you living here now, Shirley?" There's nothing wrong with our marriage! Really? You think it's normal to spend your anniversary debating which color plunger to buy? - I just think black is cliché.
- And I think red is too showy.
You're begging for a home invasion.
- Oh, my God, Jack.
They're right.
- Yeah, we suck.
In high school, we were the life of every party.
Everyone called us Madonna and Sean Penn because of my love of lace gloves and your hair-trigger temper.
What happened to us? It's okay, you know? You had a good run.
Why don't you sit on the porch, and read the paper, - and say, "Guess who died?" - I'll bring you warm milk.
And I'll stand on the lawn so you can tell me to get off it.
Do not talk to us like we are old people, Buster Brown, Little Missy, and Suzy Q! Come on, Mother.
We've got an anniversary to celebrate.
Damn straight.
Let me fetch my shawl.
Ooh, fetch mine too.
[sighs.]
Now this is more like it.
[both wailing.]
No anniversary celebrating.
Store policy.
But we don't know where else to go.
Popcorn, milady? Ooh, I feel like the Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle.
[both snoring.]
[sighing.]
All right.
- [panting.]
- [gasps.]
- Ooh, nibble - Yes? - Hair.
- Okay, first roll.
- Let's give it a chance.
- All right.
Hmm.
I'm feeling lucky.
[wheezing and coughing.]
Not today, Jack.
Not in a Best Western.
[exhales.]
[coughs.]
What did the dice say? Suck Hair.
Both: [sigh.]
Damn it.
Oh, you made a sandwich just for yourself? - Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you hungry? - Apparently not.
[doorbell rings.]
Good day, Madam.
Is your husband at home? [laughs.]
Is our marriage a joke to you? Uh, no, of course, not Jing.
It's a sacred institution, and do you want the rest of my Sour Patch Kids? - Hey, what's up? - You gotta come with us.
We're going to the mall and pantsing all the mannequins.
It's the crime of the century.
You in? [sighs.]
I would love to, but I gotta stay in with Jing.
And next time, please call before you come over.
Will do.
Your home is lovely.
Come on.
Wanna cut shapes out of paper? - It'll be so fun.
- No, thanks.
You clearly don't wanna be with me on our wedding day.
You'd rather be pulling pants down with your friends.
[phone buzzes.]
- Who's texting you? - Nobody.
- Let me see your phone.
- Can't.
Mom said no screen time after 8:00.
[grunts.]
You're still talking to Mia? - Take her out of your phone right now.
- [sighs.]
I'm not doing this.
Oh, sure.
Go hide in the basement because you know I'm afraid the furnace is gonna eat me! - [grunts.]
- Guys suck.
The greatest bonds in life are between sisters.
- Wanna watch "Sister, Sister"? - [groans.]
Ghosted by a five-year-old? I am tired of this family ignoring me.
I'll give them something to remember.
[snarls.]
[murmurs.]
[snarling.]
I can't believe those dice were covered with lead paint.
[sighs.]
The kids were right, Jack.
Let's go home and watch those half-hour commercials for old records.
Yeah, we had a lot of fun when we were dating, but now we've settled down and all that's left is to wait for the sweet release of death.
Won't it be nice to not fight it anymore? - Lost the spark, huh? - Excuse me.
This is none of your business, and also how did you know? You're walking like you're holding hands, but they're not actually touching.
- Both: Huh.
- Follow me.
I don't know, Jack.
This is how cults get you.
Twice, Annie.
Let it go.
Go on in.
It's tricky to rock a rhyme ♪ To rock a rhyme that's on time ♪ What is this place? A private club based on the greatest decade of all time, the 1980s.
It's everything we loved in high school.
Bumper pool, "Donkey Kong.
" [gasps.]
"Top Gun" beach volleyball.
And a bartender who looks like an angry '80s dad.
Close that damn door! We're not heating the whole damn town! [laughs.]
So many memories.
Ooh, five girls dancing in a circle.
And an '80s cover band with Alf on drums for some reason.
Middle-aged people of Oakdale, are you ready to rock? [cheering.]
Two, three, four.
[rock music playing.]
Jell-O shots? [as Bill Cosby.]
Jell-O? Well, I'll drink some Jell-O with the shaking, and the jiggling, and the [crowd gasps.]
You're right.
Too soon.
Sorry, everyone.
Sorry, Alf.
It's okay.
It's the '80s.
We still love him.
Two, three, four.
Now to make sure my family never forgets me again.
[grunts.]
Hey, hey.
That's it.
Cuff me, call my parents.
No, I just wanna know where you got those tennies.
My daughter wants a pair, and I want her to know I pay attention.
[groans.]
Lady Foot Locker.
[mischievous music.]
I just shoplifted these earrings.
Aren't you gonna stop me? The alarm doesn't detect middle children.
- You're free to go.
- [angry groan.]
[music box music.]
♪ Hey, you dropped your boat.
Here you go.
Come on.
Abduct me.
No, nope.
[both grunting.]
Nope, nope! - Help, police.
- [sighs.]
Ooh, look at the menu.
They have all of our favorite '80s drinks.
"Between the Sheets," "Sex on the Beach," "Screaming Orgasm.
" - My God, the '80s were horny.
- Hey, you filthy hippie.
I can't wait until the army gets you and cuts off that long, luscious hair.
What'll it be? - I'll have a Woo-Woo.
- Rum and New Coke.
And can we get those in Gremlins cups? Bourbon, four fingers.
My size fingers.
Hey, Alf.
Great set, man.
- Yeah, I know.
- Wow, never meet your heroes.
I'm just giving you crap, kid.
- Hey, you wanna sit in? - Do I? We are strong ♪ No one can tell us we're wrong ♪ Both of us knowing love is a battlefield ♪ Whoo! Look, honey, I'm shimmying! Love is a battlefield ♪ [vocalizes.]
[cheering.]
Please keep your hands on each other at all times - and enjoy the ride.
- [both laugh.]
Get it? - Aww, they look happy.
- They do.
Ooh, ah! [screams.]
Who the hell are you? Bradley.
His mom is a therapist, and I think he can help us.
My play room's next to her office, and I've picked up a thing or two.
I'll start.
Duncan is ruining our marriage.
Don't tell me.
Tell him.
You'd rather be with your friends than me, you get texts from trashy women, and we never binge "Hector the Detector" anymore.
Oh, my God we watched five episodes this morning.
And we're not married.
[sighs.]
This really is a kwisis.
Duncan, I'll start with you.
When Jing says things like that, how does it make you fweel? I don't know.
Sad, I guess.
Sometimes I just look at my life, and I realize a very im Okay, Jing.
How does that make you fweel? Like I'm the only one taking this marriage seriously.
You are the only one taking it seriously.
It was just a stupid game I played to keep you happy.
Happy? I haven't been happy in hours! [grunts and panting.]
This is very common for the first session, - but thewapy is a journey - Bradley, it's 10:00! Go home.
[whimpers and sighs.]
- Be well, Duncan.
- [sighs.]
[pinball machine pings.]
Come on, Annie.
Use your flippers.
Yes, I unlocked Luke and Laura's wedding.
Hey, babe.
If love is a battlefield, - I'd die on your hills any time.
- Excuse me? I'm just saying you got a bitching ass and I'd like to die on it.
That's a lovely thought, but you just made a big mistake, mister! Wait a minute, I'm confused.
So you're real, but on the show, you were operated by puppeteers? It's all Hollywood magic.
[sighs.]
Until the magic is gone.
I'm dying, Jack.
Jack, I gotta tell you something and I don't want you getting upset.
- Honey, Alf just told me he's dy - That guy over there just hit on me.
- Which guy? - That one.
Oh, he's cute.
My wife.
Thank you.
The Jack I dated would've opened a can of whoop-ass and knocked him into next Wednesday because he was cruising for a bruising! - You want me to punch him? - No, don't be ridiculous.
I just want you to want to punch him.
Like you used to.
Oh, it was so hot.
[harp chimes.]
Excuse me.
Your shoe's untied.
- Her eyes are up here.
- [grunts.]
- You're so bad.
- And I always will be, baby.
[harp chimes.]
It's not the '80s anymore.
I don't have to fight to keep you.
- You're not going anywhere.
- Oh, yeah? Well, me and my "sexy hills" are going home.
She finally figured out you're a bum.
And I didn't charge you for the Jell-O shots.
[whimpers.]
I know my appointment's not for a month.
I need to see you now.
And so I didn't punch the guy, and now your mom and I aren't speaking.
Oh, things are tough with me and Jing too.
I feel like I can't do anything right, you know? If I make her a sandwich, there's too much jelly, and then if I take some of the jelly off, there's not enough jelly.
Yeah, marriage is complicated, Dunker.
Yeah, but mine's weird because my wife is my sister.
Yeah, I got no advice for that.
[sighs.]
I didn't want your dad to punch him.
I just I got caught up in the past, and I wanted to know he still cares about me enough - to deck someone.
- And I don't wanna yell at Duncan.
I'm just not good at putting the jelly on.
I don't know.
Would it have killed me to just shove the guy? She would've done the same for me.
And I guess I shouldn't expect Jing to be more mature.
She's only, like, four or five.
How old is she again? Four no, five.
Definitely five.
Absolutely four she's five.
Great, now I'm a terrible husband and father.
You're not a terrible husband.
[door slams loudly.]
[screams.]
- Jack, were you screaming? - I must have been.
It was me.
I'm right here.
I'm tired of being ignored.
I need my negative attention.
So whatever your marriage problems are, work them out 'cause I am this close to joining one of dad's cults.
Let it go! Come on, Annie.
We're going back to that club, and I'm defending your honor.
Oh, Jack, I don't want you getting into a sweaty 1980s rumble just so I can live out some sort of "Road House" fantasy.
Duncan, watch your sister.
I'll drive.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You look well.
- Uh.
so what have you been up to? Learning to read and playing Legos.
Well, you were always good at that.
Look, I think we're better as brother and sister.
Maybe we were just too young for marriage.
Yeah.
You want a PB&J? - I'll nail the right amount of jelly.
- I'd like that.
Hey, my day was weird too.
Pennywise is real! Hey, kid.
I feel bad about before.
Come on.
I'll abduct you.
Forget it.
You had your chance.
[screams.]
Hey, pal.
The only guys who talk about my wife's hills are me and her primary care physician! Hey.
There you are.
I am so sorry about what happened earlier.
It was wrong, and after some thinking, I realized it came from my own insecurities.
I hope you can forgive me.
Oh, of course I can.
That's all I needed to - [vocalizes.]
- I'm so sorry! [gasping.]
[all growling.]
Are we sure we wanna do this? - [sighs.]
Not really.
- But we have to.
[all exclaiming weakly.]
[music.]
- [screams.]
- Ow.
I am so sorry that I pushed you into whatever that was.
Actually, it felt good to mix it up with the boys again.
Plus I wanted to show you I still love you.
Oh, I like the way you show your love for me now.
Changing the air filters, washing my car for me, siding with me when I vent about coworkers, even when I'm in the wrong.
Well, you do lots of stuff for me, too.
You open all the jars, do the talking during parent-teacher conferences, and you let me know if I'm watching a movie - I've already seen.
- Oh, Jackie.
Happy anniversary.
[kissing.]
They're gonna be all right.
Is that guy watching us? Who cares? Nibble my hair.
Mm.
Hey, Alf.
How you been, man? Feeling great.
I'm doing this new holistic thing.
I cut out dairy, patched things up with my son.
Well, that's great.
Where you headed? Tucson.
Music's fun, but I need a steadier gig.
My brother-in-law got me a job refilling vending machines.
They let me keep all the broken cigarettes.
That is awesome.
You've earned it.
[cats meowing.]
- Oh, you still - Yup, old habits.
Take care, brother.
Love is a battlefield ♪