Eastbound & Down s01e06 Episode Script

Come on! Personal best.
Cutler.
Yeah! -April? -Yeah! April.
-I can't believe I'm doing this.
-Oh, believe it.
Dreams are coming true.
Now, no more talking.
Set the mood.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
I know I said no more talking, but I got one more thing to say.
This is probably the best day of my life.
I just thought you should know that before you go any further.
Thank you, Kenny.
I'm happy too.
Okay.
Now get naked.
Fuck that button.
Are you ready? Okay.
-You're about to break my damn hand.
-Well? -Ninety-eight.
-Fuck me.
This is seriously the best wave of good shit that has ever happened in my life.
I knock out Mackworthy's eye then I see April's big-ass tits and have sex to her.
It's like all the horrible, disgusting shit l had to put up with here is finally paying off.
-Sounds pretty good, man.
-Kenny Powers.
Who the fuck are you? I'm your dad.
I'm just kidding.
Your dad's dead.
-I don't fucking know you.
-I'm Pat Anderson.
I'm the assistant to the assistant GM for Tampa.
-You got a fucked-up sense of humor.
-Sorry.
-You got credentials, pal? -Credentials? Yeah, I got some credentials.
Business account, of course.
What's black? Is black better than gold? Yeah.
Gold might get you Jonas Brothers tickets, black involve three of them sucking your dick.
-I'm listening.
-You're internet hot, Kenny.
The video of you knocking Reg Mackworthy's eye out will pass a million views by the time I finish this sentence.
I'm sure that your phone's ringing off the hook with major-league offers.
-Yeah, of course it is.
-Yeah? Well, I can't say I'm surprised to hear that, but I don't think they can offer you what Tampa can offer you.
Now, I'm not gonna bullshit you guys, okay? Attendance is down, and the franchise needs a shot of personality so I need to ask you a very important question and I need you to be 100 percent motherfucking honest with me, okay? I don't use steroids.
No.
What I need to know is, all that racist, homophobic talk that you used to be known for.
Has that changed at all? Well, to tell you the truth, I've changed a lot since I left baseball.
I learned a lot of lessons and shit and I'm pretty much, in a lot of ways, a brand-new man.
But, yeah, that stuff is still all the same.
Perfect.
Perfect.
Okay.
I can't talk numbers right now, but rest assured, Kenny, it's gonna be big.
Okay, we're talking huge.
Okay? -Okay.
I like it.
-All right.
-So you ready to get down with this party? -I'm ready to butt-fuck this party.
All right, let's fuck.
Let's fuck.
-Let's fucking fuck each other.
-Now.
-Yeah.
-Let's fucking get down and start fucking.
-On your knees.
-ln front of the kids.
Yeah, let's fuck the kids.
-That's going too far.
-No.
-Those are my nephews.
-I'm not gonna do that.
-That's not funny to fuck kids.
-Well, look, sorry about that.
So, what do you say? You wanna get with this party? -Sealed with a handshake.
-Welcome back, Kenny Powers.
-Kenny Powers is fucking back.
-You are back.
-Now, is this for real, man? -It's real.
Seriously.
It's true.
I don't know.
I mean, he has run away before when he's gotten sad but never for this long, and without even just-- I'm back.
-What is this? -It's a Denali.
-You wanna know how I got it? -Not really right now, Kenny.
I am trying to figure out where Cutler is.
I'm going back to the big show.
-What? -Major leagues, cupcake.
Tampa sent their finest man to my home to personally sign me for next season.
I'm back on top.
Well, that's great, Kenny.
-But you already bought a car? -Bought? No, I didn't buy that.
Two-year lease.
Yeah, I threw the old truck in for a down payment.
I'm gonna be paid before the first note comes in.
Well, I sort of expected this, you know, 10 years ago.
I thought you said you changed.
Okay, you're not really getting what I'm saying here.
So how about this? Come with me.
-What? -I want you to come to Tampa with me.
I made the mistake of leaving you behind before and I'll be goddamned if I'm gonna do it again.
Fuck all that fine Cuban pussy.
Your olive skin bests that any day of the week.
I'm doing it right this time.
We're doing it together.
Kenny, I can't even begin to start thinking about this now.
Cutler has been gone for three days.
Don't ruin this good time with that baby's behavior.
All right? Just let it soak in.
You don't have to give me an answer right now.
Just sleep on it.
Then get back to me.
If you need me, I'll be cruising in my Escalade, man.
Denali.
Terrence? Terrence! Where are you going? Come back! Come back.
So if anyone has any knowledge of the whereabouts of Principal Cutler please let a member of the faculty know.
Also, please disregard any rumors regarding Principal Cutler's absence.
Okay, we get it.
Cutler went crazy.
So as I was saying the money I'm gonna be making would hurt your parents' feelings.
Remember the class where l taught you how to make it rain? That's what I'm gonna be doing every single night.
Dollar, dollar bills, y'all.
Now, my replacement comes very highly qualified.
And please, please, please, don't let the fact that Miss Carol's a lesbian put you off to her.
You know how you think there are two kinds of lesbians? There's the kind on Cinemax that get it on and are hot, and there's the mean kind? Miss Carol is neither of those.
Before I go, I don't wanna leave you empty-handed.
I'm gonna be signing a personalized headshot for each and every one of you.
The only thing I would ask, is that you would have your name prepared because I don't wanna have to ask the same question 30 fucking times.
-There you go, buddy.
-Thanks, coach.
You're welcome.
Hi.
Could you make it out to Steven? It would be my honor.
You know, I knew that this day would come.
Well, I couldn't have done it without you, Stevie.
We are gonna have so much fun in Tampa.
-What'd you say? -I put my apartment on Craigslist.
It's all happening, Kenny.
-You think you're coming.
-Of course I'm coming with you.
Why would I not? I mean, fuck all this small-town shit.
You think I'm gonna leave you just when you need my assistance the most? Kenny, no fucking way.
Where you go, I follow.
Right, Kenny? Right, Kenny? Yeah, right.
I mean, what's Tampa gonna be without my assistant there to make reservations at all the hottest nightclubs in town? You know what I read online? That Tampa has the best titty bars in the nation and I'm gonna set up pussy appointments for you all the fucking time.
-Tons of pussy appointments.
-Oh, fuck yeah.
Can I have that? There you go, buddy.
Fucking Tampa.
Tampa.
Tampa, yeah.
Goodbye, fucking shit school.
See you fucking morons later because I'm going to Tampa to suck some titties.
When I'm gone, you need to look after this place, man.
I mean, this is our hometown.
This shithole helped shape us.
You must guard it and protect its royal vagina.
I will.
You want some of this? No.
I have enjoyed getting fucked up with you here, Clegg.
It's crazy, man.
How our journey here is basically coming to an end.
You know, I'm going on to fucking bigger and better things and you're gonna probably just stick around back here just still doing, you know, the stuff that you're doing.
The time spent with you is crucial to me getting through all the bullshit I needed to get through.
-Awesome.
-I'll always be in debt to you.
You know, I hope that there's some way I could pay you back for what you've done for me here.
Well, maybe you could start paying me back for that eight ball from the other night.
You said that we would split it.
Well, you wanna do some now? I'd love to.
Eat up, baby.
I paid him 20 bucks to do that for you.
-That's nice, Kenny, thank you.
-Thanks, Gabriel.
That's not the only trick Kenny Powers has up his sleeve this eve.
Open it.
Kenny, I think we maybe just should-- Open the box.
Don't get into how much it costs, I don't want you to get into some contest -with your girlfriends, but-- -I can't go to Tampa with you.
I can't go to Tampa with you.
Gabriel, hit me up with the shrimp.
Are you out of your fucking mind, April? My goddamn fiancé is missing.
Kenny, I admit it.
That I have feelings for you that I can't ignore.
Something about you that does something to me.
April, I know all this, okay? But I do like hearing it, so go on.
Back in high school, I would've followed you anywhere but things are different now.
This is my life.
Maybe if you stayed in town we could see what happens.
Listen here, you beautiful bitch, I'm about to fuck you up with some truth.
I can't do this without you.
And I will admit that.
I mean, yeah, sure, I got my pitch back, but it's unproven, April.
And that makes me scared.
But for some reason, when you're with me it gives me the feeling like I can pull this off.
Like I can roll the fucking dice.
I'm just not ready to take that risk of my life on that gamble.
What the fuck does that even mean? The risk of the life with the gamble? -What? -I'm not ready to risk my life on a gamble.
Oh, so, what? All this just boils down to some stupid sort of fucking retaliation for high school.
Whatever.
I get it.
For your information, that watch cost $6000.
Don't miss me when I'm on TV.
Cutler.
-What the fuck are you doing here? -Okay, relax.
Let's relax here.
Just hold on a second.
-What's the white cloth for? -Let's calm down.
Calm down a second.
You're getting excited.
And that's not gonna help the situation.
A lot of people are feeling things right now.
Let's just get our feelings out there, and talk it through and calm down.
I've been a little bit upset.
I've mostly been out in the woods.
It's not normal for me to live out in the woods.
I've been going a little bit of crazy.
I think maybe I'm just trying to wrap my brain around what it means when I hear that something has happened between you and April.
Look, Cutler, I know you must be torn up knowing that I had sex with your fiancée.
Wait.
No, no, no.
You didn't have sex with her.
You didn't say it.
No.
I just heard you kissed her.
You didn't have sex with her.
No.
Oh, God.
I'm gonna puke.
Look, there's something else you should know as well.
-I've really lost her.
-No, you-- Look.
You win.
I asked her to come with me to Tampa and she said no.
Said she had a life here, so.
You got her.
Kenny, I don't know how-- I don't know how to feel about that, l.
You won, motherfucker.
You won.
I did not see that coming.
Yeah, quite frankly, I didn't either.
I mean, no offense, but you got a shitty job, you're not quite as tall as me-- -Yeah.
-Nobody really respects you.
You have me, on the other hand.
I got the glory, I got the fame the money, the jewels, the cash, the Denali.
-Right.
-Getting drunk on the reg fucking good times on the reg, yachts on the reg, sex on the reg-- -Okay, I got it, yeah.
-All the shit that most men fantasize about.
But you get April.
I'm sorry, Cutler.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
I didn't mean to kiss on her pussy, your fiancée.
-That happened too.
-Jesus.
Guess that's just the way this fucked-up world works.
Takes a big man to admit that, Kenny.
Well, I've learned a lot since I've been here.
Yeah.
I learned a lot since you've been here too.
Okay.
No hard feelings? No hard feelings.
This wasn't anything.
It was just chloroform to knock you out.
-I'm gonna look for you on TV.
-You better take a shower, dude.
Yeah.
Clean that ass.
Motherfucker.
Kenny? Kenny Powers? You and me at Mons Venus, baby.
Guess what.
I'm all packed and ready to go.
I gave them my notice yesterday, and they said, "We want two weeks.
" And then I said, "Why don't you fuck off??" Just like you, man.
Just like you, man.
Yeah.
Yeah, nothing can stop me from leaving Kenny.
Nothing.
Yeah.
We need to talk, Stevie.
You're not gonna be coming with me to Tampa.
No-- What? But you-- -No, you said-- -When I saw how excited you were to be coming with me, well, I couldn't crush your feelings.
So rather than do that, I decided to give you the best week of your life.
I wanted you to think you were coming with me.
Consider it my final gift to you.
I don't get it.
What did I do? What--? What did I do? When you started this job, you were just an assistant, but you've graduated.
You know, Stevie, when I first met you, I'll be honest with you you were a little bitch.
I know I was.
I know.
I'm sorry.
But now I'm looking at you, and to me you seem like a dude who knows what's up.
You don't take shit from anybody, you smoke weed on the reg.
Quite frankly, you're somebody I'm proud to know.
And you're somebody who deserves a whole hell of a lot more than just being an assistant.
Is it--? Is it my last day as your assistant? This is your last day.
But I have one final assignment for you.
What is it? This assignment comes with a stipulation.
I don't want you to perform this task as my assistant.
I'd like you to perform it as my friend.
Okay.
Name it.
What's going on, huh? Quietly, people.
Quickly and quietly, people.
Come on, this is not social time.
Let's go.
Is this a single-file line? Single file.
Let's go.
Single file.
Tell me what's going on.
Stop at the curb, everyone.
Do not go past the yellow curb.
Okay? Come on.
Students and faculty of Jefferson Davis Middle School I am here today to give you my final farewell.
-Excuse me, please.
What is this? -The rumors are true.
I've been called back up to the bigs, and I'm moving to Tampa.
And just to clear up any inconsistencies no, April Buchanon will not be accompanying me.
She has instead chosen to stay here with her fiancé a wonderful man, by the way, by the name of Principal Cutler.
I'd love to run through this without the student body but actually, no, we've decided to call off our engagement for the time being.
-Really? I didn't know that.
-Yeah.
We're just gonna take a little time and figure some things out, so.
Okay, was not really expecting that.
There's a whole bunch of emotions and kind of questions.
Okay.
Doesn't matter.
That's not why I'm here.
Today I'm here for you, Jefferson Davis Middle.
Being a man of my stature, walking in here on day one was the lowest point of my life, but now I realize that God had a purpose.
God wanted to show me hell so that when I got back to heaven I would finally appreciate it.
And for that, I'd like to thank each and every one of you.
Because without that knowledge, without that lesson I never would've been able to.
What the fuck, man? I'm trying to give a memorable speech here.
All right, so-- Shit.
Got a limited range on my Bluetooth here.
You can't see me, but you can feel me.
I am still here for you.
Remember me, Jefferson Davis Middle.
I was your savior.
I was your knight in shining armor.
In each of you, were the chinks upon my armor.
Each of you were the chinks.
You all were the chinks.
Remember me, my chinks.
Remember me.
-Remember me.
-Okay, everybody, let's go.
Back to our Period 5 classes.
Yes.
We'd love to stay in the parking lot all day listening to crazy speeches, but we can't.
Well, here we go.
Little baby Rose, I'm sorry we didn't get much of a chance to hang out.
To be honest with you, sometimes I even forgot you even existed.
I'm proud of you, Kenny.
I am.
Thank you.
Thank you for everything.
-Got a good family here.
-Thanks.
I love you.
I love you too.
Cassie, you fine piece of church ass.
Oh, you're the glue.
-Keep the family together, okay? -Okay, I will.
All right, you stoic little bastard.
In the computer room.
Little second drawer where I keep my weed.
Underneath the gun, there's a stack of porn that'll put calluses on those hands of yours.
Thanks, Uncle Kenny.
Come here.
Bring it in.
Okay.
Big dog.
Why you crying, man? It's okay to be upset, but when I leave here, I want you to do me a favor.
I want you to hold your head high and be a man, all right? I know that deep inside of you there's a humongous set of testicles just waiting to pop out.
-Let them pop, bro.
-Thanks.
-Okay.
-I love you.
-I do.
-All right.
Okay.
Probably good on the hug, though.
That's-- Stevie, what are you doing, man? You're over here bawling.
-I'm so sorry.
-Come here.
You don't have to be sorry.
-I'm gonna miss you.
-I'm gonna miss you too, man.
Don't forget all the good times, man, all the shit we fucked up, all right? Kenny.
Bye.
What are you doing here? I'm coming with you.
What about your life here and all that shit? I love you.
-Uncle Kenny? -I'm in the middle of an emotional moment.
-Can you just back off.
-Phone's for you.
Take a message, man.
Some guy from Tampa, and he said it's important.
I better take this.
Thank you.
This is Kenny Powers.
Kenny, Pat Anderson.
Look, man, l.
Well, I got some bad news, buddy.
I may have not actually been supposed to tell you that I could get you on the team.
I'm sorry, man.
I was just trying to climb the ladder over here and anyway, bottom line is the deal's off.
So.
Well, there never really was a deal.
I don't know, I think I'm fired.
We'll see.
But I just got-- You know, I got really into the whole party scene over here.
Kind of hit the dudes a little bit.
It was super weird.
And you know, things are just really fucked up for me personally right now.
And I'm gonna-- I think I'm gonna probably do rehab.
I don't know, we'll see what happens, but anyway, best of luck to you.
Okay? And catch you on the rebound, huh? Later, Kenny.
Perfect.
That sounds terrific.
I'm looking forward to it too.
Okay.
Thank you.
Everything okay? Everything's awesome.
They just wanna know if I still wanna play under number 55.
Kenny Powers, 55.
You guys better get rolling, man.
You're burning daylight here.
-Gonna get dark soon.
-Yeah, it is gonna get dark, isn't it? Let's hit the road.
Okay.
-We're gonna miss you, Kenny.
-I'm gonna miss you guys too.
Get this.
-You keep an eye on him for us, April.
-I will, Dustin.
All right.
-Yup.
-Look at that.
He got it.
He got it back.
Still got it.
-All right.
-Bye, honey.
Now, you do us proud, Kenny.
Kind of wish I could just stay and start this whole thing over all over again.
-Yeah, right.
-It's gonna be dark, you better get going.
-Yeah, man.
Okay.
-We'll miss you.
-Miss you guys too.
-Bye, Uncle Kenny.
-Bye, Uncle Kenny.
Mow them down, Kenny.
Mow them down.
This is so exciting.
I can't believe we're really doing this.
I'm nervous, but it's like a good nervous.
Tampa is gonna be crazy, Kenny.
Oh, yeah.
It's gonna be pretty wild.
-Tampa, bitches.
-Tampa, bitches.
Do you want anything? -I'm okay.
Maybe some Skittles.
-All right.
-Be right back.
-Okay.
See you.
-Hi.
-Hello.
-That will be 2.
85.
-Three dollars.
Keep the change.
-Thank you.
-Bye.
Bye-bye.
Motherfucker.